Between the Fire and the Flame
No one ever explained how difficult resurrection was. At twelve, not that much younger than their guest, Ciara Malloy believed things would get easier once Zechs Merquise awoke. He'd wake up, recover from his injuries, and they would all live happily ever after. Except. . .it wasn't like that at all.
For one thing, after regaining consciousness and recovering from one fever, Zechs had a relapse only days later. Ciara's mother said that they probably weren't careful enough when they moved him. Ciara's father countered by answering they could have done things differently if they were on a space station. They did the best they could under the circumstances. And there was another complication. He felt that he didn't deserve to live. But, at the same time, he didn't really want to die, either. He was caught, as her father would say, between the fire and the flame. //What,// Ciara wondered, //could he have done that was so unforgiveable?//
She saw his blast strike the Earth, after Oz captured the colony, but there was a war going on. Her mother explained to her about war crimes, about how doing terrible things during war was no better than doing terrible things during peacetime, but Ciara still didn't understand. Other people did terrible things, but Ciara really doubted if they were beating themselves up over it, the way he was.
Besides, even if he did terrible things, he was sorry for them now, and that was the important thing, right? Daddy said that Zechs believed the only way to show he was really sorry about what he did was by dying, an observation that totally confused Ciara. If you wanted to make up for the things you did, how could you do that if you were dead?
Ciara was beginning to wonder if she was just stupid, when her father explained that she was right. They just had to make Zechs understand that. It wasn't that he was stupid. He just didn't know anything else, Daddy explained. Ciara really didn't understand that. How could Zechs NOT know that? Daddy responded by telling her just as she learned from him and Mom, Zechs learned from the people around him while he was growing up. And he learned very different things than Ciara, so different, that her parents would need Ciara's help in teaching him new things. Teaching him as Ciara was taught.
That conversation was a week earlier, and two weeks after his rescue. Ciara shook her head. Two weeks since the battle between the two Gundams, the battle which ended war. She sat now in Zechs' cabin, reading a book while he slept. Often, she would remain with him while he was asleep. Mom told her that she was a little younger than Zechs' own sister, Princess Relena. Ciara wasn't sure she liked the idea of Zechs seeing her as a little sister. After all, she was almost thirteen, almost a young lady!
He moaned in his sleep, but it sounded like he was mumbling nonsense, rather than speaking any names. And he certainly didn't sound like he was having a nightmare. Ciara looked over him, just in case, but he was just shifting on the bed, grimacing in pain. Most of his ribs were fractured when Epyon destroyed the power source of the carrier, when it blasted back through the ship.
//Fractured ribs, internal injuries. . .given what Mom said, about our lack of real medical supplies, it's amazing he did survive. Maybe he doesn't really want to die. . .Mom admitted that a lot of time, a person's will to live is what determines their recovery,// Ciara thought, watching the sleeping man intently. None of that answered the question which still haunted Ciara and her parents. How did they break through his wall, the invisible mask he wore to protect himself? After the second fever broke and Zechs began to recover, he was quietly grateful to them for their efforts, but there was a terrible pain in his eyes, pain that broke Ciara's heart.
He still slept a lot. . .tired easily. Spoke little. Ciara saw the ghost of a smile appear on his face when Mom sat beside him on his bed while she was examining him. His internal injuries were healing, but he remained shirtless so Mom could check on his ribs. Often, while she was checking him over, Mom would gently stroke a lock of pale blond hair back from his eyes, as if he was Ciara's age. The girl would see a tiny smile appear, as if Zechs enjoyed the gentle attention, but didn't want to say anything, for fear of losing it.
The preteen noticed something else. Zechs seemed different than he had while he was the leader of the White Fang. Quieter. . .and, while Ciara meant it in a complimentary way, softer. The battle-hardened warrior slipped away, leaving an exhausted, vulnerable young man in his place. That was what Ciara's mother said, and that was as good a way of putting it as any.
//Yes,// Ciara thought, bobbing her head as she thought about it, //he's tired, both in his body and in his heart.// He was widely believed to be dead, and he wanted to stay that way. The first, and only, time Mom mentioned contacting his sister, Zechs became extremely agitated and begged her not to do so. //It's better if my sister believes I'm dead. It's safer that way,// he said.
In the interest of keeping him calm, Mom agreed, though she didn't like the idea of letting the young princess believe her brother was dead. She said so to Daddy, prompting the reply, "And why have you never contacted your family? It's been a long time, Tal. . .don't you think they would want t' know you're alive?"
It was the first time Ciara heard anything about a family other than the one which Mom and Daddy created with Ciara. Mom went white, and she replied, "That's different. Zechs and Relena only had a brief time together. Whether she'll admit it or not, she needs him. And he needs her."
Mom stormed out of the room, and Ciara was shaken. While she witnessed a few arguments between her parents, she never saw her mother so upset. She asked her father what her mother meant, if she had family left somewhere on earth. Daddy sighed and answered, "I don't know, sweeting. But I do know that your mother ran away from home when she was a teenager, because her little brother died, and her parents blamed her. At least, she thought her parents blamed her."
One more thing which she didn't understand. But Ciara was slowly getting used to that. Very. . .slowly. Zechs murmured, "Getting used to what, Miss Ciara?" He opened his eyes to look at the twelve year old, and she blushed. She had no idea how long he was awake, or even if she said much out loud. And yet, as she looked down at her hands, then at him, it never occurred to her to lie to him.
"Not understanding things," she admitted honestly. He raised a pale brow, and Ciara explained, "I don't understand why my mother would blame herself for her brother's death, and I don't understand why you don't want to live. I don't understand why you think you have to die to make up for the things you did wrong. Daddy and Mom both say it takes more courage to go on living than it does to die."
"Your parents are very wise," Zechs answered in a soft voice, "and I wish I could explain it to you. I almost killed an entire world, Miss Ciara. After I did that, I don't deserve to live." Ciara rolled her eyes. Please. Now he was being tiresome, a word which her father used in the past to describe anyone he thought was being foolish.
"That's just plain dumb!" Ciara answered scornfully. She grew annoyed when she saw an amused smile curve his lips. She continued angrily, "Don't you think your sister is sad, thinking that you're dead? And how can you ever make up for what you did wrong if you're dead? Mom and Dad both say you're not stupid, you don't know anything else, but I think you're being dumb."
"I probably am," Zechs answered, "but I'm not as brave as your mother is. Whatever she did wrong, she probably wanted to die after her brother died. But she didn't. She held on." He paused, his lips quirked, then he added, "Then again, I'm sure your mother never tried to kill an entire world to make a point."
Ciara stamped her foot, exploding, "Would you stop saying that!" Their guest looked startled by her rare display of temper, but Ciara didn't let that stop her. She continued, "I saw the cannon firing at Earth, and it scared me. Mom said it was wrong, she said that you shouldn't have done it. She said that you made a lot of mistakes when you were trying to end war. But you're sorry for it, right? You think it was a mistake? Why isn't it good enough?" //And if it's not good enough for you, how can it be good enough for me when I screw up?//
"Because a lot of people died, Ciara. On both sides. A lot of people died, a lot of people lost their families, a lot of people lost their homes. Someone has to pay for that. I already have blood on my hands from what I did in Oz. Why shouldn't I be the one to pay? For the death, the destruction, the pain. . .the loss?" Zechs answered quietly.
"Because you didn't cause it all! Mom lost her brother to the Alliance attack against the Sank Kingdom. She said it happened when you were just a little boy, that you didn't start the war. You just did what you could to prevent another one from happening. And you did the wrong thing, but if you should die for what you did wrong, then what about me? When I do something wrong?" Ciara asked, near tears.
That haunted her ever since Zechs awakened the first time. If he had to die for something he did wrong, if he had to die to atone for his crimes. . .where did that leave her when she did something wrong? Her parents talked about justice, but when they spoke of justice, mercy was part of the conversation. The preteen was aware that Zechs believed he deserved no forgiveness. But her mother told her that mercy was like forgiveness, or love. It wasn't a matter of earning it, or deserving it. It was given. Ciara remembered what her father said, about Zechs not learning the things she had, and she wondered if this was one of those things.
"Ciara, you're only twelve years old, you've grown up in space. Grown up surrounded by love. . .what could you possibly do that would be as terrible as what I did?" Zechs asked. He was starting to tire, but for the first time, she saw a spark of life in his bright blue eyes. Ciara's emotions began to quiet at that spark. While the words sounded patronizing, there was a genuine question in his voice.
"So, no one has ever sinned as you have, Colonel Merquise? Or do you prefer Commander Peacecraft? Either way, your presumption is amazing. . .who do you think you are to presume your sin is worse than anyone else's?" Ciara's mother asked from the doorway. Ciara swung around to face her. . .she never even heard the cabin door open.
. . .
Talia Malloy stood in the doorway, the light from the corridor making her dark hair look almost red. With her hands on her hips and anger flashing in her dark eyes, she looked like an avenging angel. Zechs saw her enter from the corner of his eye as he finished speaking, but obviously, Ciara hadn't known her mother entered the cabin.
Before he could reply, Talia continued, "You fired a blast at a planet. If my recollection of geography is correct, it was an uninhabited area, although I haven't been to earth in fifteen years. You could have done much worse, as we both know. You turned back from destroying Earth, you helped to save it in the end. Do you really think the monsters who destroyed the Sank Kingdom ever regretted what they did?"
Zechs started to answer, but the woman who had taken care of him these last few weeks continued, "I was there when the Alliance over-ran the Sank Kingdom, Prince Milliardo. My little brother died as a direct result of that attack. And after he died in my arms, I saw the king, your father, murdered in front of my eyes. I heard his assassins laughing as your father told him that eventually, they would meet justice. Laughing!"
Prince Milliardo. His father. . .the attack that destroyed his innocence, destroyed his family, and robbed him of his sister. He looked at the woman, at this avenging angel, and thought once more of Relena. She was better off now, believing he was dead. Heero Yuy and Noin would take care of her. . .Zechs had faith in Lucrezia Noin.
"Did you laugh when you blasted Earth? Did you laugh when Treize Khushrenada challenged you to a duel? When his duel with that Gundam pilot ended the way it did? Did you laugh when you set the collision course with Earth? Or through the whole mess? You're a Peacecraft. . .of course you didn't," Talia answered. She shook her head, murmuring, "I remember your parents, Prince Milliardo. I remember your little sister. And I seriously doubt if the son of the king is a coward."
She was challenging him, trying to goad him back to life. She took care of him faithfully ever since his rescue. Making sure he ate when he wasn't sleeping, making sure his injuries were healing. She asked her step- daughter to keep him company, perhaps believing the girl's vivacity would spark something within him. Zechs knew all this, and knew what she was trying to do now. She was trying to anger him, trying to push him. He wouldn't let her do it. He almost ruined everything for his precious little sister, he didn't deserve the second chance which this woman gave him. He wouldn't let her save his soul, as she saved his life.
The woman said, shaking her head, "It's so much easier, isn't it? Just sitting there, sleeping and watching life, instead of living. I never had you figured for a coward. I tease Ciara sometimes about being a star- struck little girl, but the truth was, I was as awed by your abilities as a pilot as she was. Your abilities as a pilot, as someone who could inspire others. Your sister said that Heero Yuy inspired hope. . .but you, you inspire people."
Unbidden, an image took shape in Zechs' mind. A young man, about the same age as himself. Otto. The young officer who helped to rebuild Tallgeese. Who died after Tallgeese nearly killed Zechs. Who died screaming Zechs' name. He shuddered, but Talia Malloy wasn't finished, adding bitterly, "But when all is said and done, you don't have the strength to keep going. You made mistakes. . .trusted the wrong people, took the wrong course of action. It happens. We lowly mortals have to get up, dust ourselves off, and keep going. You say that you don't deserve to live, that you don't deserve to rule, because of your actions. You're half- right."
Ciara shifted uneasily, her eyes flickering from one to the other, and her mother continued, "You don't deserve to rule, and you don't deserve to carry the Peacecraft name, because you're a quitter. If your father is ashamed of you, it's because you've given up. Not because you had to kill to survive, not because you fought a war. But because you don't have the courage to find a reason to live."
Now, in spite of his best efforts, Zechs found himself getting angry. He hissed at her, mindful of his broken ribs, "Damn you! How much stronger do I have to be? I lost my family, I lost my home, everything, when the Alliance felt threatened by my father's ideals of pacifism! All I ever wanted was to make sure my sister never had to make the same choices I did, that she would be able to remain innocent!"
"Did she ever ask you to make those choices? Of course not, she was just a baby when the Sank Kingdom was turned to rubble. Would she have asked you to? Never! I think you underestimate your sister. She's stronger than you think. . .if you would have allowed her, she would have taken some of the burden. Why did you have to be the martyr, why did you have to make all the sacrifices? My God, Julian, you're only twenty years old!" Talia exploded.
Zechs stared at her, jolted. Who. . .how did she know that? He asked slowly, "How did you know my mother called me 'Julian,' Talia? Only people who spent time with my family knew that." Forgotten was her tirade, leaving only astonishment. How could she have known that 'Julian' was his second name, and the name his mother often called him?
"You'd be surprised what I know. And you didn't answer my question. . .why did you have to make all the sacrifices? Why did you have to take all the burden onto yourself? To atone for the attack, for being unable to save your parents? Is that it, Zechs?" Talia asked, and once more his anger began rising. Dammit, why wouldn't she leave him alone? Why wouldn't she go away?
"Because it was the only way to protect my sister! Darlian told the soldiers that she was his daughter. If anyone knew that either of us were still alive. . .especially Relena. . .it would have all been over. At least this way, I could protect her! She didn't know until this last year, she didn't know about me, but that didn't matter. I knew about her, I loved her, and I would die to protect her!" Zechs fired back.
"You still didn't answer my question. After she found out about you, learned that you were her brother, why didn't you let her take some of the burden? Why didn't you go to her? Why did you have to do it all by yourself? It's what I thought, isn't it? Because a six year old boy couldn't protect his family, his country, could barely even protect himself. Relena was just a toddler, so there was nothing she could have done. What makes you think you could have done anything, a little boy of six?" Talia demanded.
"BECAUSE I WAS THE PRINCE! IT WAS MY DUTY!" Zechs cried out. A sharp pain sliced through his side, but his anger and grief overwhelmed the momentary agony. He shook his head and continued, "From my earliest memories, my father taught me that it was my duty, my purpose, to protect my people. My family. My sister."
"Ciara, honey. . .I think you should leave now," Talia said quietly. The girl looked at Zechs, then at her mother, then quietly left the cabin, leaving the pair alone. Zechs fought to regain his composure, and Talia went on, "You were a little boy, Zechs. Six years old. Yes, you would have been king one day, but do you really think your father expected a six year old child to save the kingdom? Him? Your mother? Your sister?"
Zechs started to answer, but Talia continued, "No, Zechs. Your father was a kind, generous, reasonable man. A man, a king, who loved his family and his people. You've thought for all these years that he was ashamed of you, that you weren't living up to his expectations. You were wrong. You weren't living up to your own."
"My father believed in pacifism. He believed in non-violence. He believed in. . .he believed in taking care of people, in standing up for what he believed in. That's why he died," Zechs answered hoarsely. Now that he was calmer, he hurt like hell. Damn adrenaline rush, making him forget that he was still healing.
"Yes. Your father died because people with small minds felt threatened by him, by his beliefs, and by the people who believed in him. Your father died because there will always be small-minded, weak people who feel threatened by anyone who doesn't share their beliefs. Not because his six year old son was unable to save him," Talia answered.
Zechs couldn't argue with her any more. He was too damn tired. So, very tired. Of arguing, of fighting. He was tired of being tired, tired of hurting. Talia seemed to understand that, for her eyes softened to the expression which was much more familiar. She said more gently, reaching out to brush his blond bangs from his eyes, "I've said enough. More than enough, but I won't apologize for it. We'll talk more later, Zechs. You need to get some sleep. I should go check on Ciara. Arguments of any kind worry her. I'll be back later."
Zechs nodded, leaning back against his pillows, and Talia rose to her feet. As she walked out, she left Zechs to think about what she said. He didn't want to, of course. Closing his mind and just giving up was so much easier than pulling himself back together and trying again. But damn her, she was right. On just about everything.
And if he was truly honest with himself. . .well. . .he didn't want to die. He wanted to live. To do what, he didn't know. But he should have died in the explosion, should have never awakened after losing consciousness. But he was alive, thanks to this woman and her family. Three people who risked their lives, their welfare, to save him.
. . .
//Well,// Talia thought as she walked swiftly to the kitchen, //I think I blasted a hole through that mask he's been wearing. Now, I have to make sure I didn't terrify Ciara. I didn't enjoy that, or pushing Zechs. But I'll be damned if I'll just give up and walk away from him. He's too young to give up on himself, and if he won't fight for himself, then I will!//
She found her husband and daughter in the kitchen, as she expected. Ciara was still trembling, and Talia slipped up behind the girl, wrapping her arms around her. Ciara turned in her arms and Talia kissed the top of her head. She murmured, "I'm sorry if I scared you, babe. But I had to do something. And if it's any consolation, I think it worked."
"Mom, why does he do this! It's sooooo stupid!" Ciara blurted out, pulling back to look at Talia. The young woman removed her arms from her daughter's waist to cup the girl's heart-shaped face in her hands. She wiped away Ciara's tears with her thumbs. Twelve years old. Where had the time gone? And how much longer would it be now? Before her step-daughter was a young woman herself?
Talia saw the way Ciara looked at Zechs. She had a terrible crush on the pilot. Why wouldn't she? He wasn't much older than she was, he was gloriously handsome, especially when he was so vulnerable. As he was these last few weeks. // But. . .// Talia thought, //he was even more handsome just now. When there was life in his eyes.//
"Because he hasn't learned the most important rule, Ciara. About forgiving yourself. He can't forgive himself. The thing is, how do you tell someone to forgive himself for nearly wiping out an entire planet?" Talia asked in a low voice. Ciara scooted over, but when Talia sat down on the stool which her daughter occupied, she put the girl on her lap. Her reward was an indignant look, and Talia almost laughed aloud.
"You don't. That's somethin' that Zechs has t' come t' terms wi' on his own. We all have battle scars, Talia, one way or another," Shawn observed and Talia nodded with a sigh. Shawn was silent for several moments, then said with a half smile, "However. I think I have an idea which will turn our young warrior's guilt to our advantage."
Talia raised an eyebrow. She couldn't wait to hear this. Shawn explained, "We saved his life, right? I mean, if we hadn't found him, and brought him aboard, he would have died, right?" Talia nodded, not fully understanding where her husband was going with this, and Shawn continued, his blue-gray eyes dancing with excitement, "So we use that t' keep him alive! Think about it, Tal. . .we could be placin' our lives in danger if anyone knew that Zechs Merquise was alive and in our care. Our lives, and Ciara's as well."
"Riiiiiiiiight," Talia drawled out, still not seeing where Shawn was heading with this conversation. And then she stopped. Took a step back. Looked at the whole picture. Guilt. Others placing their lives in danger to save him. Hmmmm. Talia looked back at her husband, and asked, "So, what you're suggesting is that we inform Zechs that he owes us big-time for saving his life. . .and he's gonna pay up by staying alive? Am I understanding you correctly?"
"Bingo," Shawn said, and Talia stifled a laugh, hearing that American colloquialism in Shawn's Irish accent. Not something she heard that often. But, Elene was an American, and Talia knew Shawn still loved her deeply. It was one reason, among many, why their relationship remained platonic. He continued, "It's sneaky, and it could backfire. But it could also work. Think about it." Talia nodded. Sure, it could work. And it could blow up in their faces. Had Shawn thought this through? Shawn answered this by saying, "And, I have a back-up plan. I remind him that if he lets go now, then he's betrayed everyone who has ever tried t' help him."
"I like that idea better," Talia said dryly, "either way, you're using guilt to keep him alive. Not sure I like that idea particularly, but I don't have any other ideas. And it might buy us some time." Time to figure out how to break through to Zechs Merquise, burst past that protective wall around his heart and soul.
"So, it's a two-pronged plan. Remind him of what he owes us, and explain that he can pay us back by fightin' for his life, by not givin' up. Then remind him of everyone who has gone before. I'll need some help wi' that, but I think my best bet would be startin' wi' his father. If he gives up now, that's a betrayal of the Sank Kingdom," Shawn replied. Talia considered this. Yes, she used this theme, when she accused Zechs of being a quitter.
"I knew the king. He was no quitter. In fact, if memory serves, he was a soldier at one time, before Zechs was born. I'm willing to bet that's where his desire for absolute pacifism came into play," Talia answered, thinking of the diskette which was safely hidden in her room. Zechs wasn't ready to see that, not yet. But she knew she would show it to him, eventually. She had to keep her promise to his father.
"Makes sense. You live through war, and all the different forms of hell which comes wi' it, the last thing you want is your children or your country ever facin' it again. I know it's risky. I know there's a chance that this tactic will push him over the edge. But I don't know what else t' do. We have t' make him see that dyin' is not the answer," Shawn said.
"I know. I just wish there was a better way. We get him upset, and that will cause a relapse. He continues in this manner, and he'll never heal," Talia sighed. She leaned back in her chair, closing her eyes. She felt silk caress her throat, and she opened her eyes to see Ciara looking at her in concern. She smiled and said, "It's all right, love."
"I hope so, Mom. I really like him," Ciara answered softly, and Talia hugged her tightly. Yes, she was sure her daughter did like Zechs, very much. She kissed the side of the girl's head, tightening her arms around Ciara at the same time. Ciara was trying so hard, but now it was Talia and Shawn's turn.
"All right. Let's get started then. When I was a kid in Ireland, I often read mysteries and novels about police officers. They had a routine called 'good cop, bad cop.' I'm gonna be the bad cop right now, and Talia gets t' be the good cop," Shawn said. Talia rolled her eyes. After what just happened, she really didn't see that, but. . .she wouldn't spoil Shawn's fun. Strange, but in some ways, he behaved more like a teenager than the young man in the medical cabin. Even though Zechs was already twenty.
//Oh, well,// she thought with a sigh as Shawn rose to his feet, //hopefully, he'll get through to Zechs. If not, we go back to the drawing board.// She ran her hand through her hair. //I swear to you, Petyr,// she thought, //by everything we ever believed in, I'll find a way to break through to him. So your sacrifice wasn't in vain.//
. . .
Shawn Malloy left the kitchen of the salvage ship with graceful, measured steps. He had a particular tactic in mind, but there were some kinks to work out first. Meanwhile, his mind kept returning to Talia, and their discussions ever since they rescued Zechs. Milliardo. Whatever his name was now. Shawn was learning more about the woman who was his companion for the last several years. More every day. And it was worried him. He caught himself treating her like a child at times, like the child she was when he and Elene first found her. But she was a child no more. And perhaps, she wasn't a child then.
//How could she be a child,// Shawn thought now as he headed for the medical cabin, //after her brother died in her arms?// He still couldn't wrap his mind around that. He knew war was hell, he knew that innocents sometimes paid the price with their blood. But he wasn't sure he could accept that. Accept the image of a small boy dying in the arms of his teenaged sister. Never mind how many times he saw it in Ireland. That was different. Somehow. Even if Shawn wasn't sure how. It just....was. Shawn shook his head, sighing.
And what of their young guest? What did he see on the day of the attack? Did Shawn even want to know? What kinds of scars were left from that day on the soul of the young prince? Was that part of the reason for his attack against earth? Shawn stopped in the middle of the corridor. The attack on earth. The targetting of his home planet for destruction. First with a cannon, then with the two ships.
What the hell was the boy thinking? Did he stop thinking? What could have possessed him to do something like that? And why didn't Talia seem more affected by it? During the battle, he noticed her expression. She almost seemed. . .dead. . .inside. As if she didn't care about the outcome. As if she didn't care that Earth might be destroyed. True, she hadn't been home in years, but. . .
But there was a better than even chance her family was still alive. Wasn't she worried about them? Shawn shook his head. Questions, questions, and more questions. He knew Talia for several years. . . met her less than a year after the attack on Sank. But for the first time, it occurred to him that all that he knew about her, he didn't really know her. Shawn didn't think he liked that idea very much.
He shook his head again. He would talk to Talia later. Right now, he had to make sure that Zechs Merquise didn't get off so easily. He had to make sure the boy survived, to atone for what he almost did. Shawn's mind reeled from the implications, then something else occurred to him. Looking at the twenty year old leader of the White Fang, he could almost see himself, if he wasn't pulled out of his own patterns of self- destruction. Even more frightening. . .despite Zechs' attempt to destroy the earth, he was previously a decent, honorable man. Something that Shawn couldn't say. Before he met Elene, before he realized how close he was to self-destruction, it didn't matter. Win at any cost, the ends justified the means.
//How then,// he thought, //can I judge him? But I never tried to destroy a planet! I never threatened an entire civilization!// Another voice, deep within his soul, answered, //No. But given the chance, you would have. And would you have pulled back, as he did? He set Libra and Peacemillion on its destructive course, and he also hit the self destruct for the engines. Would you have pulled back? Can you say that you even know?//
And that was when Shawn Malloy finally began to understand. Why he was so desperate to save the young pilot after the final battle. In saving Zechs Merquise, he was saving himself. Atoning for what he did, what he would have done. He said now, staring at the door of the med-cabin, "This will not end here, Zechs Merquise. I had to live, had to atone for what I did. And so will you. Neither of us can get off that easily. And nor should we."
. . .
After Talia and Ciara left his room, Zechs fell back to sleep. His dreams were tortured, filled with dying men and women. Bloodied hands, burned hands, reaching out to him. Treize. Otto. Walker. Even Alex and Mueller, damn them. And how many others did he kill? Time and again, he saw Treize reach out. 'I'm waiting for you, my eternal friend. I'm waiting.' Zechs moaned in his sleep, trying to move away from the pull of those burned hands. And then, another hand took his. A clean hand, a whole hand. Unburned.
He awoke with a start, to find Shawn Malloy at his side. Zechs frowned, swallowed hard, and whispered, "Talia. . .is she all right?" He rarely saw Shawn in the last few weeks, although Talia told him that it was her husband who pulled him into the ship, in the ruined Epyon. She also told him that they stripped Epyon for parts, then blew it up. Good.
"Talia is fine, as is Ciara. How are you feelin,' lad?" Shawn asked in his soft Irish accent. Pagan was from Ireland, Zechs recalled. When he was a child, he loved to listen to his fencing master, just to hear the lovely Irish lilt. Zechs wondered if this man was from the same part of Ireland as his former teacher.
"I've been better," Zechs answered, thinking back to his escape from Oz. Shawn laughed softly, and Zechs looked back at the older man. Shawn's eyes were filled with sadness. And Zechs didn't know how he knew, but he said it anyhow, "You were a soldier, weren't you?"
"No. Not a soldier. A terrorist. Oh, that wasn't how I saw m'self, but that's what I was. Just as much a terrorist as the Gundam pilots were. I damn bloody near destroyed myself and everyone around me. Oh, I didn't belong t' any particular organization. I just wanted t' destroy everythin' around me. Just t' stop the hurtin' inside," Shawn answered.
Zechs closed his eyes. He understood that. He did the same thing, after all, when he allowed the White Fang to recruit him. He. . . Shawn continued, "That's right, you're not the first warrior t' do that. You're not the first soldier who's believed he was goin' straight t' hell for bein' what he was, for survivin' as best he could."
As he spoke, the Irish accent thickened, and Zechs whispered, "So, how did you survive? The guilt, the. . .feeling that you didn't deserve to live?" The knowledge you betrayed everyone you ever loved, and whoever loved you.
"I was lucky. There was a young American girl. Elene. Ciara's mother. She made me see that I was self-destructin,' that I would probably take everyone I ever loved wi' me. And she wouldn't stop, either, until she was sure that I got the message. So my question t' you, Zechs Merquise, is what would it take for you t' accept that we won't give up on you?" Shawn asked. Zechs lay back, closing his eyes, and Shawn continued, "Oh, you won't escape from me that easily. You don't deserve t' die. You don't deserve t' have that endless rest, that escape. You have t' stay alive, you have t' atone for what you did wrong. I've been where you are now. And I'm damned if I'll let you give up now."
"Why?" Zechs asked, and once more remembered the crash of Tallgeese I. The escape from Oz, the death of Zechs Merquise, or so he believed. //He was in a giant elevator, in a jeep, with a man in a Hawaiian shirt and shorts. His sore ribs protested the movement, and he winced. Howard turned back to look at him, asking, "Are you in a lot of pain?" Zechs ignored the question, asking instead, "Why did you bother saving me?"//
"Oh for the love of Mike! You are not stupid, Zechs Merquise, or Milliardo Peacecraft, or whatever the hell you want t' call yourself! Nor are you evil! Why won't we give up on you? Because we saved your bloody arse, that's why! We put our lives, and the life of our daughter, on the line, t' save your life! And we will not allow you t' ruin that by just givin' up and dyin! Do you understand me?" Shawn yelled.
His eyes were blazing, as Shawn continued in a somewhat quieter voice, "You want t' atone for what you did? Fine. You can start by payin' us back. We saved your life. . .you owe us. You owe it t' us t' fight, t' stay alive. . .t' atone for the mistakes you made, whether as a member of Oz, or as part of White Fang. You. . .owe. . .us. And I will make damn sure that you pay up."
Shawn's voice dropped to just above a whisper, his blue-gray eyes burning into Zechs. The younger man just stared back. He wasn't entirely sure why, but he could handle Shawn. Perhaps because they were both soldiers, warriors, whatever Shawn wanted to call himself. They weren't that different from each other.
No, it was Talia who un-nerved Zechs. That tiny slip of a woman who seemed to see right through to his soul. She knew exactly what he was thinking, how he felt about his father's death. He didn't feel threatened by her, no. There was nothing threatening about her quiet strength, about the woman who patiently nursed him back to health. But she did un-nerve him.
Perhaps that was revealed in his eyes, for Shawn shook his head and murmured, "Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Talia got under your skin, and I can't even get a flicker. Why is that? Because she's a woman? Or is it more elementary than that? Knowing that she remembers your family? Is that what sets us apart?"
Zechs didn't answer, and Shawn sighed, "Fine. Just remember this. If you won't fight for yourself, for us, then think of this. Think of everyone who has ever cared for you. Your sister, that young lieutenant you kept callin' for in your sleep, Noin. Your parents. The men who served under you, who died t' protect you. Think about them. You give up now, and you'll have betrayed them."
"I already have," Zechs answered harshly, his eyes snapping back to his now-unwelcome visitor, "I already have, don't you get it? I betrayed my sister, Noin. . .Otto, Walker, my parents, my heritage, everything I ever believed in, everything that ever meant anything to me, when I joined White Fang! Otto and Walker are both dead, as are my parents, and as for my sister and Noin. . .they're both both better off without me. Don't you understand? I'm trying to protect them! I nearly ruined both of their lives! They deserve better!"
"You called both of those names while you were unconscious," Shawn returned, "Otto, and Walker. You kept crying out t' Otto in particular, tellin' him t' stop. I went back and reviewed the tapes we had pirated from various Oz ships durin' the war. Otto was killed while freein' the Sank Kingdom from Alliance rule, a rule that lasted for almost fifteen years."
Zechs looked away. He remembered. He remembered all too well. He nearly died in Tallgeese during the first attempt to free the Sank Kingdom. The critically injured Otto took it upon himself to finish the job, since Zechs wasn't strong enough to master the Tallgeese on his first try. Already suffering from internal injuries, the young lieutenant died that day
Shawn said softly, "I told you, I've listened t' those tapes. But what you didn't know is that I listened t' both of you. You and Otto. You could have done nothin,' Zechs. Otto made his choice. He chose t' spare you further pain. He chose t' die as a warrior, instead of in a hospital. And he would have died. It was his choice, Zechs. But this is yours."
Zechs looked up at the older man, who continued, "You can either betray Otto's sacrifice and die now. Or you can redeem yourself, keep faith wi' him, and go on livin.' The choice is yours. Just understand. We all risked our lives t' save you and take care of you. We're gonna do our damnedest t' make sure that sacrifice wasn't in vain."
Shawn sighed and added, "You know, Elene told me somethin' when I finally woke up and realized what I was doin.' I was like you, just like you. I didn't deserve t' live, I was unfit t' breathe. I was a monster. That's what you see when you look in the mirror, isn't it? A monster, a creature which doesn't deserve the gift of life." Zechs looked away, unable to refute it. He was right, of course. That was exactly how Zechs saw himself. He wasn't a soldier, or a warrior. Just. . .a monster.
"You're wrong, though. You're anythin' but a monster. I suppose that's what our mission will be, once you've decided t' accept this second chance. Gettin' you t' believe that," Shawn observed and Zechs felt his lips twisting into a parody of a smile. That would be a mission worthy of Heero Yuy. That name brought back too many memories, however, and Zechs fought to bury the memories.
Instead, he focused on Shawn. The older man said quietly, his blue- gray eyes steady on Zechs' face, "Elene told me somethin' very important. She told me that it's not what you've done that matters. What matters, Zechs, is what you will do. What you will do t' atone for your past sins. . .and what you will do from this day forward. Think about that." He gave Zechs' shoulder a gentle squeeze, then left the cabin.
Zechs closed his eyes, leaning back. His chest hurt, his body hurt. His soul hurt. But deep inside his heart, he recognized the truth of what Shawn said. Despite everything, despite the mistakes he made, despite his transgressions against humanity as the leader of White Fang, he was given a second chance at life. Somehow, someway, he had to atone for what he did. He had to make things right. He could do that for Relena and Noin by staying out of their lives. He remained convinced about that. If he returned to earth, if they found out he was still alive, he would just ruin things for them. For their own safety, they had to believe he was dead.
He was given this extraordinary second chance in space, and in space he would take that chance. Out here, he would rebuild his shattered life, his shattered soul. Not for his own sake, but for the sake of those who sacrificed so much. Otto, Walker, his father, to name just a few. The Malloys, who *had* put their lives on the line to save him. And maybe, in time, he would do it for himself. Zechs doubted that. . .at this moment, he didn't believe that was possible.
But for now. . .for now, he would rest. He was so, very tired. Zechs closed his eyes, almost melting into the sheets which surrounded his body. The adrenaline high caused by his arguments with Talia and Shawn was ending, leaving him exhausted. He sighed quietly, grimacing unconsciously at the pain caused by the motion, then drifted off to sleep.
. . .
"I was thinking it might be overkill, but maybe not," Talia murmured as she listened to the conversation between her husband and Zechs. Just before she left the med-cabin, she flicked on the intercom. Just in case Zechs needed her. Ciara looked up from the book she was reading, and Talia continued, "I know, you think it's cheating, but. . ." Ciara sat up, shaking her light brown hair from her eyes.
"It doesn't matter what I think," she said somewhat peevishly, "it doesn't seem to matter to Zechs that he's being stupid. Daddy's trying to make him stay alive by being nasty. And you're listening to the conversation. Honestly!" Talia hid her smile. She knew how her daughter would react to something like that. But. . .
"Well," she pointed out reasonably, "It's like this, honey. I turned on the intercom, in case Zechs needed me. I wasn't planning on listening to your father's conversation with him. But, since the monitor was already on, I figured I should use it, in case your father went too far. After all, we want to keep Zechs alive, we don't want him reinjuring himself by taking a swing at your father." Ciara looked at her, her blue-gray eyes widening with shock.
But before she had a chance to speak, Shawn re-entered the kitchen, saying, "I heard that, Natalia. And I wasn't that bad." Talia grinned and tapped the toe-end of her boots against the bars of the chair. Shawn glared at her, added, "I wasn't! Although, it got temptin' t' hit him. I'm beginnin' t' understand why Elene got so exasperated wi' me."
Now Talia did laugh, answering, "Duh." Shawn glared at her again, and Talia said more seriously, "So, do you think you got through to him?" Shawn didn't answer immediately, sitting down beside his daughter. Talia took that time to leave her own seat for a cup of coffee, making a mental note to herself to take Ciara shopping for new clothes the next time they were on one of the colonies. The preteen was quickly losing patience with wearing Talia's hand-me-downs.
At last, Shawn answered, "I think so, yah. He's not a stupid lad, but he's stubborn. And he's in pain. That factor alone. . .that kind of pain. . .I'm still tryin' t' figure out how he managed t' keep his sanity as long as he did. Especially under the tutelage of first Treize Khushrenada, then Quinze Barton. Just among the three of us, I don't know who of those two were more insane."
"Moot point. They're both dead. Let the dead bury their dead, Shawn, and we'll take care of live, soul-wounded boys," Talia replied. Shawn looked at her inquiringly, and Talia continued, "Hey, I know he's twenty years old, but I remember him when he was six years old. To me, he's still a kid. Ten years can make a world of difference, Shawn."
"So can five," Shawn muttered, then yelped as Talia threw a sponge at him. He went on, "So, now we wait. Oh, I'm fairly certain I got through t' him. So, we wait now for him t' make the decision for himself. T' live for himself, instead of the sake of another who is already dead." Talia nodded. Yes, but in the meantime, they would undertake that mission Shawn spoke of.
It was Ciara, however, who said, "And while we're waiting for him to make that decision, we start teaching him that he's not really a monster." Talia nodded, smiling at her step-daughter. Yes. Ciara responded with an answering smile, a one-hundred eight from her previous sullen expression, and added, "All for one, one for all!"
Talia burst out laughing, and Shawn rolled his eyes as he pushed himself closer to the table, his hand covering the hand which his daughter had stretched out. He muttered as Talia followed suit, "That is the LAST time I'm lettin' you t' stay up late t' watch any of the Musketeers movies!" Talia almost fell off the chair, she was laughing so hard.
And it wasn't even really funny. But emotions have a way of catching up with you when you least expect it. . .and Talia's pent-up anxiety, her suppressed memories, needed an outlet of some kind. This was no worse than others, and certainly better. As she put her hand over those of her husband and daughter, she managed to compose herself and say, "Yes. . .yes, all for one, and one for all."
No one ever explained how difficult resurrection was. At twelve, not that much younger than their guest, Ciara Malloy believed things would get easier once Zechs Merquise awoke. He'd wake up, recover from his injuries, and they would all live happily ever after. Except. . .it wasn't like that at all.
For one thing, after regaining consciousness and recovering from one fever, Zechs had a relapse only days later. Ciara's mother said that they probably weren't careful enough when they moved him. Ciara's father countered by answering they could have done things differently if they were on a space station. They did the best they could under the circumstances. And there was another complication. He felt that he didn't deserve to live. But, at the same time, he didn't really want to die, either. He was caught, as her father would say, between the fire and the flame. //What,// Ciara wondered, //could he have done that was so unforgiveable?//
She saw his blast strike the Earth, after Oz captured the colony, but there was a war going on. Her mother explained to her about war crimes, about how doing terrible things during war was no better than doing terrible things during peacetime, but Ciara still didn't understand. Other people did terrible things, but Ciara really doubted if they were beating themselves up over it, the way he was.
Besides, even if he did terrible things, he was sorry for them now, and that was the important thing, right? Daddy said that Zechs believed the only way to show he was really sorry about what he did was by dying, an observation that totally confused Ciara. If you wanted to make up for the things you did, how could you do that if you were dead?
Ciara was beginning to wonder if she was just stupid, when her father explained that she was right. They just had to make Zechs understand that. It wasn't that he was stupid. He just didn't know anything else, Daddy explained. Ciara really didn't understand that. How could Zechs NOT know that? Daddy responded by telling her just as she learned from him and Mom, Zechs learned from the people around him while he was growing up. And he learned very different things than Ciara, so different, that her parents would need Ciara's help in teaching him new things. Teaching him as Ciara was taught.
That conversation was a week earlier, and two weeks after his rescue. Ciara shook her head. Two weeks since the battle between the two Gundams, the battle which ended war. She sat now in Zechs' cabin, reading a book while he slept. Often, she would remain with him while he was asleep. Mom told her that she was a little younger than Zechs' own sister, Princess Relena. Ciara wasn't sure she liked the idea of Zechs seeing her as a little sister. After all, she was almost thirteen, almost a young lady!
He moaned in his sleep, but it sounded like he was mumbling nonsense, rather than speaking any names. And he certainly didn't sound like he was having a nightmare. Ciara looked over him, just in case, but he was just shifting on the bed, grimacing in pain. Most of his ribs were fractured when Epyon destroyed the power source of the carrier, when it blasted back through the ship.
//Fractured ribs, internal injuries. . .given what Mom said, about our lack of real medical supplies, it's amazing he did survive. Maybe he doesn't really want to die. . .Mom admitted that a lot of time, a person's will to live is what determines their recovery,// Ciara thought, watching the sleeping man intently. None of that answered the question which still haunted Ciara and her parents. How did they break through his wall, the invisible mask he wore to protect himself? After the second fever broke and Zechs began to recover, he was quietly grateful to them for their efforts, but there was a terrible pain in his eyes, pain that broke Ciara's heart.
He still slept a lot. . .tired easily. Spoke little. Ciara saw the ghost of a smile appear on his face when Mom sat beside him on his bed while she was examining him. His internal injuries were healing, but he remained shirtless so Mom could check on his ribs. Often, while she was checking him over, Mom would gently stroke a lock of pale blond hair back from his eyes, as if he was Ciara's age. The girl would see a tiny smile appear, as if Zechs enjoyed the gentle attention, but didn't want to say anything, for fear of losing it.
The preteen noticed something else. Zechs seemed different than he had while he was the leader of the White Fang. Quieter. . .and, while Ciara meant it in a complimentary way, softer. The battle-hardened warrior slipped away, leaving an exhausted, vulnerable young man in his place. That was what Ciara's mother said, and that was as good a way of putting it as any.
//Yes,// Ciara thought, bobbing her head as she thought about it, //he's tired, both in his body and in his heart.// He was widely believed to be dead, and he wanted to stay that way. The first, and only, time Mom mentioned contacting his sister, Zechs became extremely agitated and begged her not to do so. //It's better if my sister believes I'm dead. It's safer that way,// he said.
In the interest of keeping him calm, Mom agreed, though she didn't like the idea of letting the young princess believe her brother was dead. She said so to Daddy, prompting the reply, "And why have you never contacted your family? It's been a long time, Tal. . .don't you think they would want t' know you're alive?"
It was the first time Ciara heard anything about a family other than the one which Mom and Daddy created with Ciara. Mom went white, and she replied, "That's different. Zechs and Relena only had a brief time together. Whether she'll admit it or not, she needs him. And he needs her."
Mom stormed out of the room, and Ciara was shaken. While she witnessed a few arguments between her parents, she never saw her mother so upset. She asked her father what her mother meant, if she had family left somewhere on earth. Daddy sighed and answered, "I don't know, sweeting. But I do know that your mother ran away from home when she was a teenager, because her little brother died, and her parents blamed her. At least, she thought her parents blamed her."
One more thing which she didn't understand. But Ciara was slowly getting used to that. Very. . .slowly. Zechs murmured, "Getting used to what, Miss Ciara?" He opened his eyes to look at the twelve year old, and she blushed. She had no idea how long he was awake, or even if she said much out loud. And yet, as she looked down at her hands, then at him, it never occurred to her to lie to him.
"Not understanding things," she admitted honestly. He raised a pale brow, and Ciara explained, "I don't understand why my mother would blame herself for her brother's death, and I don't understand why you don't want to live. I don't understand why you think you have to die to make up for the things you did wrong. Daddy and Mom both say it takes more courage to go on living than it does to die."
"Your parents are very wise," Zechs answered in a soft voice, "and I wish I could explain it to you. I almost killed an entire world, Miss Ciara. After I did that, I don't deserve to live." Ciara rolled her eyes. Please. Now he was being tiresome, a word which her father used in the past to describe anyone he thought was being foolish.
"That's just plain dumb!" Ciara answered scornfully. She grew annoyed when she saw an amused smile curve his lips. She continued angrily, "Don't you think your sister is sad, thinking that you're dead? And how can you ever make up for what you did wrong if you're dead? Mom and Dad both say you're not stupid, you don't know anything else, but I think you're being dumb."
"I probably am," Zechs answered, "but I'm not as brave as your mother is. Whatever she did wrong, she probably wanted to die after her brother died. But she didn't. She held on." He paused, his lips quirked, then he added, "Then again, I'm sure your mother never tried to kill an entire world to make a point."
Ciara stamped her foot, exploding, "Would you stop saying that!" Their guest looked startled by her rare display of temper, but Ciara didn't let that stop her. She continued, "I saw the cannon firing at Earth, and it scared me. Mom said it was wrong, she said that you shouldn't have done it. She said that you made a lot of mistakes when you were trying to end war. But you're sorry for it, right? You think it was a mistake? Why isn't it good enough?" //And if it's not good enough for you, how can it be good enough for me when I screw up?//
"Because a lot of people died, Ciara. On both sides. A lot of people died, a lot of people lost their families, a lot of people lost their homes. Someone has to pay for that. I already have blood on my hands from what I did in Oz. Why shouldn't I be the one to pay? For the death, the destruction, the pain. . .the loss?" Zechs answered quietly.
"Because you didn't cause it all! Mom lost her brother to the Alliance attack against the Sank Kingdom. She said it happened when you were just a little boy, that you didn't start the war. You just did what you could to prevent another one from happening. And you did the wrong thing, but if you should die for what you did wrong, then what about me? When I do something wrong?" Ciara asked, near tears.
That haunted her ever since Zechs awakened the first time. If he had to die for something he did wrong, if he had to die to atone for his crimes. . .where did that leave her when she did something wrong? Her parents talked about justice, but when they spoke of justice, mercy was part of the conversation. The preteen was aware that Zechs believed he deserved no forgiveness. But her mother told her that mercy was like forgiveness, or love. It wasn't a matter of earning it, or deserving it. It was given. Ciara remembered what her father said, about Zechs not learning the things she had, and she wondered if this was one of those things.
"Ciara, you're only twelve years old, you've grown up in space. Grown up surrounded by love. . .what could you possibly do that would be as terrible as what I did?" Zechs asked. He was starting to tire, but for the first time, she saw a spark of life in his bright blue eyes. Ciara's emotions began to quiet at that spark. While the words sounded patronizing, there was a genuine question in his voice.
"So, no one has ever sinned as you have, Colonel Merquise? Or do you prefer Commander Peacecraft? Either way, your presumption is amazing. . .who do you think you are to presume your sin is worse than anyone else's?" Ciara's mother asked from the doorway. Ciara swung around to face her. . .she never even heard the cabin door open.
. . .
Talia Malloy stood in the doorway, the light from the corridor making her dark hair look almost red. With her hands on her hips and anger flashing in her dark eyes, she looked like an avenging angel. Zechs saw her enter from the corner of his eye as he finished speaking, but obviously, Ciara hadn't known her mother entered the cabin.
Before he could reply, Talia continued, "You fired a blast at a planet. If my recollection of geography is correct, it was an uninhabited area, although I haven't been to earth in fifteen years. You could have done much worse, as we both know. You turned back from destroying Earth, you helped to save it in the end. Do you really think the monsters who destroyed the Sank Kingdom ever regretted what they did?"
Zechs started to answer, but the woman who had taken care of him these last few weeks continued, "I was there when the Alliance over-ran the Sank Kingdom, Prince Milliardo. My little brother died as a direct result of that attack. And after he died in my arms, I saw the king, your father, murdered in front of my eyes. I heard his assassins laughing as your father told him that eventually, they would meet justice. Laughing!"
Prince Milliardo. His father. . .the attack that destroyed his innocence, destroyed his family, and robbed him of his sister. He looked at the woman, at this avenging angel, and thought once more of Relena. She was better off now, believing he was dead. Heero Yuy and Noin would take care of her. . .Zechs had faith in Lucrezia Noin.
"Did you laugh when you blasted Earth? Did you laugh when Treize Khushrenada challenged you to a duel? When his duel with that Gundam pilot ended the way it did? Did you laugh when you set the collision course with Earth? Or through the whole mess? You're a Peacecraft. . .of course you didn't," Talia answered. She shook her head, murmuring, "I remember your parents, Prince Milliardo. I remember your little sister. And I seriously doubt if the son of the king is a coward."
She was challenging him, trying to goad him back to life. She took care of him faithfully ever since his rescue. Making sure he ate when he wasn't sleeping, making sure his injuries were healing. She asked her step- daughter to keep him company, perhaps believing the girl's vivacity would spark something within him. Zechs knew all this, and knew what she was trying to do now. She was trying to anger him, trying to push him. He wouldn't let her do it. He almost ruined everything for his precious little sister, he didn't deserve the second chance which this woman gave him. He wouldn't let her save his soul, as she saved his life.
The woman said, shaking her head, "It's so much easier, isn't it? Just sitting there, sleeping and watching life, instead of living. I never had you figured for a coward. I tease Ciara sometimes about being a star- struck little girl, but the truth was, I was as awed by your abilities as a pilot as she was. Your abilities as a pilot, as someone who could inspire others. Your sister said that Heero Yuy inspired hope. . .but you, you inspire people."
Unbidden, an image took shape in Zechs' mind. A young man, about the same age as himself. Otto. The young officer who helped to rebuild Tallgeese. Who died after Tallgeese nearly killed Zechs. Who died screaming Zechs' name. He shuddered, but Talia Malloy wasn't finished, adding bitterly, "But when all is said and done, you don't have the strength to keep going. You made mistakes. . .trusted the wrong people, took the wrong course of action. It happens. We lowly mortals have to get up, dust ourselves off, and keep going. You say that you don't deserve to live, that you don't deserve to rule, because of your actions. You're half- right."
Ciara shifted uneasily, her eyes flickering from one to the other, and her mother continued, "You don't deserve to rule, and you don't deserve to carry the Peacecraft name, because you're a quitter. If your father is ashamed of you, it's because you've given up. Not because you had to kill to survive, not because you fought a war. But because you don't have the courage to find a reason to live."
Now, in spite of his best efforts, Zechs found himself getting angry. He hissed at her, mindful of his broken ribs, "Damn you! How much stronger do I have to be? I lost my family, I lost my home, everything, when the Alliance felt threatened by my father's ideals of pacifism! All I ever wanted was to make sure my sister never had to make the same choices I did, that she would be able to remain innocent!"
"Did she ever ask you to make those choices? Of course not, she was just a baby when the Sank Kingdom was turned to rubble. Would she have asked you to? Never! I think you underestimate your sister. She's stronger than you think. . .if you would have allowed her, she would have taken some of the burden. Why did you have to be the martyr, why did you have to make all the sacrifices? My God, Julian, you're only twenty years old!" Talia exploded.
Zechs stared at her, jolted. Who. . .how did she know that? He asked slowly, "How did you know my mother called me 'Julian,' Talia? Only people who spent time with my family knew that." Forgotten was her tirade, leaving only astonishment. How could she have known that 'Julian' was his second name, and the name his mother often called him?
"You'd be surprised what I know. And you didn't answer my question. . .why did you have to make all the sacrifices? Why did you have to take all the burden onto yourself? To atone for the attack, for being unable to save your parents? Is that it, Zechs?" Talia asked, and once more his anger began rising. Dammit, why wouldn't she leave him alone? Why wouldn't she go away?
"Because it was the only way to protect my sister! Darlian told the soldiers that she was his daughter. If anyone knew that either of us were still alive. . .especially Relena. . .it would have all been over. At least this way, I could protect her! She didn't know until this last year, she didn't know about me, but that didn't matter. I knew about her, I loved her, and I would die to protect her!" Zechs fired back.
"You still didn't answer my question. After she found out about you, learned that you were her brother, why didn't you let her take some of the burden? Why didn't you go to her? Why did you have to do it all by yourself? It's what I thought, isn't it? Because a six year old boy couldn't protect his family, his country, could barely even protect himself. Relena was just a toddler, so there was nothing she could have done. What makes you think you could have done anything, a little boy of six?" Talia demanded.
"BECAUSE I WAS THE PRINCE! IT WAS MY DUTY!" Zechs cried out. A sharp pain sliced through his side, but his anger and grief overwhelmed the momentary agony. He shook his head and continued, "From my earliest memories, my father taught me that it was my duty, my purpose, to protect my people. My family. My sister."
"Ciara, honey. . .I think you should leave now," Talia said quietly. The girl looked at Zechs, then at her mother, then quietly left the cabin, leaving the pair alone. Zechs fought to regain his composure, and Talia went on, "You were a little boy, Zechs. Six years old. Yes, you would have been king one day, but do you really think your father expected a six year old child to save the kingdom? Him? Your mother? Your sister?"
Zechs started to answer, but Talia continued, "No, Zechs. Your father was a kind, generous, reasonable man. A man, a king, who loved his family and his people. You've thought for all these years that he was ashamed of you, that you weren't living up to his expectations. You were wrong. You weren't living up to your own."
"My father believed in pacifism. He believed in non-violence. He believed in. . .he believed in taking care of people, in standing up for what he believed in. That's why he died," Zechs answered hoarsely. Now that he was calmer, he hurt like hell. Damn adrenaline rush, making him forget that he was still healing.
"Yes. Your father died because people with small minds felt threatened by him, by his beliefs, and by the people who believed in him. Your father died because there will always be small-minded, weak people who feel threatened by anyone who doesn't share their beliefs. Not because his six year old son was unable to save him," Talia answered.
Zechs couldn't argue with her any more. He was too damn tired. So, very tired. Of arguing, of fighting. He was tired of being tired, tired of hurting. Talia seemed to understand that, for her eyes softened to the expression which was much more familiar. She said more gently, reaching out to brush his blond bangs from his eyes, "I've said enough. More than enough, but I won't apologize for it. We'll talk more later, Zechs. You need to get some sleep. I should go check on Ciara. Arguments of any kind worry her. I'll be back later."
Zechs nodded, leaning back against his pillows, and Talia rose to her feet. As she walked out, she left Zechs to think about what she said. He didn't want to, of course. Closing his mind and just giving up was so much easier than pulling himself back together and trying again. But damn her, she was right. On just about everything.
And if he was truly honest with himself. . .well. . .he didn't want to die. He wanted to live. To do what, he didn't know. But he should have died in the explosion, should have never awakened after losing consciousness. But he was alive, thanks to this woman and her family. Three people who risked their lives, their welfare, to save him.
. . .
//Well,// Talia thought as she walked swiftly to the kitchen, //I think I blasted a hole through that mask he's been wearing. Now, I have to make sure I didn't terrify Ciara. I didn't enjoy that, or pushing Zechs. But I'll be damned if I'll just give up and walk away from him. He's too young to give up on himself, and if he won't fight for himself, then I will!//
She found her husband and daughter in the kitchen, as she expected. Ciara was still trembling, and Talia slipped up behind the girl, wrapping her arms around her. Ciara turned in her arms and Talia kissed the top of her head. She murmured, "I'm sorry if I scared you, babe. But I had to do something. And if it's any consolation, I think it worked."
"Mom, why does he do this! It's sooooo stupid!" Ciara blurted out, pulling back to look at Talia. The young woman removed her arms from her daughter's waist to cup the girl's heart-shaped face in her hands. She wiped away Ciara's tears with her thumbs. Twelve years old. Where had the time gone? And how much longer would it be now? Before her step-daughter was a young woman herself?
Talia saw the way Ciara looked at Zechs. She had a terrible crush on the pilot. Why wouldn't she? He wasn't much older than she was, he was gloriously handsome, especially when he was so vulnerable. As he was these last few weeks. // But. . .// Talia thought, //he was even more handsome just now. When there was life in his eyes.//
"Because he hasn't learned the most important rule, Ciara. About forgiving yourself. He can't forgive himself. The thing is, how do you tell someone to forgive himself for nearly wiping out an entire planet?" Talia asked in a low voice. Ciara scooted over, but when Talia sat down on the stool which her daughter occupied, she put the girl on her lap. Her reward was an indignant look, and Talia almost laughed aloud.
"You don't. That's somethin' that Zechs has t' come t' terms wi' on his own. We all have battle scars, Talia, one way or another," Shawn observed and Talia nodded with a sigh. Shawn was silent for several moments, then said with a half smile, "However. I think I have an idea which will turn our young warrior's guilt to our advantage."
Talia raised an eyebrow. She couldn't wait to hear this. Shawn explained, "We saved his life, right? I mean, if we hadn't found him, and brought him aboard, he would have died, right?" Talia nodded, not fully understanding where her husband was going with this, and Shawn continued, his blue-gray eyes dancing with excitement, "So we use that t' keep him alive! Think about it, Tal. . .we could be placin' our lives in danger if anyone knew that Zechs Merquise was alive and in our care. Our lives, and Ciara's as well."
"Riiiiiiiiight," Talia drawled out, still not seeing where Shawn was heading with this conversation. And then she stopped. Took a step back. Looked at the whole picture. Guilt. Others placing their lives in danger to save him. Hmmmm. Talia looked back at her husband, and asked, "So, what you're suggesting is that we inform Zechs that he owes us big-time for saving his life. . .and he's gonna pay up by staying alive? Am I understanding you correctly?"
"Bingo," Shawn said, and Talia stifled a laugh, hearing that American colloquialism in Shawn's Irish accent. Not something she heard that often. But, Elene was an American, and Talia knew Shawn still loved her deeply. It was one reason, among many, why their relationship remained platonic. He continued, "It's sneaky, and it could backfire. But it could also work. Think about it." Talia nodded. Sure, it could work. And it could blow up in their faces. Had Shawn thought this through? Shawn answered this by saying, "And, I have a back-up plan. I remind him that if he lets go now, then he's betrayed everyone who has ever tried t' help him."
"I like that idea better," Talia said dryly, "either way, you're using guilt to keep him alive. Not sure I like that idea particularly, but I don't have any other ideas. And it might buy us some time." Time to figure out how to break through to Zechs Merquise, burst past that protective wall around his heart and soul.
"So, it's a two-pronged plan. Remind him of what he owes us, and explain that he can pay us back by fightin' for his life, by not givin' up. Then remind him of everyone who has gone before. I'll need some help wi' that, but I think my best bet would be startin' wi' his father. If he gives up now, that's a betrayal of the Sank Kingdom," Shawn replied. Talia considered this. Yes, she used this theme, when she accused Zechs of being a quitter.
"I knew the king. He was no quitter. In fact, if memory serves, he was a soldier at one time, before Zechs was born. I'm willing to bet that's where his desire for absolute pacifism came into play," Talia answered, thinking of the diskette which was safely hidden in her room. Zechs wasn't ready to see that, not yet. But she knew she would show it to him, eventually. She had to keep her promise to his father.
"Makes sense. You live through war, and all the different forms of hell which comes wi' it, the last thing you want is your children or your country ever facin' it again. I know it's risky. I know there's a chance that this tactic will push him over the edge. But I don't know what else t' do. We have t' make him see that dyin' is not the answer," Shawn said.
"I know. I just wish there was a better way. We get him upset, and that will cause a relapse. He continues in this manner, and he'll never heal," Talia sighed. She leaned back in her chair, closing her eyes. She felt silk caress her throat, and she opened her eyes to see Ciara looking at her in concern. She smiled and said, "It's all right, love."
"I hope so, Mom. I really like him," Ciara answered softly, and Talia hugged her tightly. Yes, she was sure her daughter did like Zechs, very much. She kissed the side of the girl's head, tightening her arms around Ciara at the same time. Ciara was trying so hard, but now it was Talia and Shawn's turn.
"All right. Let's get started then. When I was a kid in Ireland, I often read mysteries and novels about police officers. They had a routine called 'good cop, bad cop.' I'm gonna be the bad cop right now, and Talia gets t' be the good cop," Shawn said. Talia rolled her eyes. After what just happened, she really didn't see that, but. . .she wouldn't spoil Shawn's fun. Strange, but in some ways, he behaved more like a teenager than the young man in the medical cabin. Even though Zechs was already twenty.
//Oh, well,// she thought with a sigh as Shawn rose to his feet, //hopefully, he'll get through to Zechs. If not, we go back to the drawing board.// She ran her hand through her hair. //I swear to you, Petyr,// she thought, //by everything we ever believed in, I'll find a way to break through to him. So your sacrifice wasn't in vain.//
. . .
Shawn Malloy left the kitchen of the salvage ship with graceful, measured steps. He had a particular tactic in mind, but there were some kinks to work out first. Meanwhile, his mind kept returning to Talia, and their discussions ever since they rescued Zechs. Milliardo. Whatever his name was now. Shawn was learning more about the woman who was his companion for the last several years. More every day. And it was worried him. He caught himself treating her like a child at times, like the child she was when he and Elene first found her. But she was a child no more. And perhaps, she wasn't a child then.
//How could she be a child,// Shawn thought now as he headed for the medical cabin, //after her brother died in her arms?// He still couldn't wrap his mind around that. He knew war was hell, he knew that innocents sometimes paid the price with their blood. But he wasn't sure he could accept that. Accept the image of a small boy dying in the arms of his teenaged sister. Never mind how many times he saw it in Ireland. That was different. Somehow. Even if Shawn wasn't sure how. It just....was. Shawn shook his head, sighing.
And what of their young guest? What did he see on the day of the attack? Did Shawn even want to know? What kinds of scars were left from that day on the soul of the young prince? Was that part of the reason for his attack against earth? Shawn stopped in the middle of the corridor. The attack on earth. The targetting of his home planet for destruction. First with a cannon, then with the two ships.
What the hell was the boy thinking? Did he stop thinking? What could have possessed him to do something like that? And why didn't Talia seem more affected by it? During the battle, he noticed her expression. She almost seemed. . .dead. . .inside. As if she didn't care about the outcome. As if she didn't care that Earth might be destroyed. True, she hadn't been home in years, but. . .
But there was a better than even chance her family was still alive. Wasn't she worried about them? Shawn shook his head. Questions, questions, and more questions. He knew Talia for several years. . . met her less than a year after the attack on Sank. But for the first time, it occurred to him that all that he knew about her, he didn't really know her. Shawn didn't think he liked that idea very much.
He shook his head again. He would talk to Talia later. Right now, he had to make sure that Zechs Merquise didn't get off so easily. He had to make sure the boy survived, to atone for what he almost did. Shawn's mind reeled from the implications, then something else occurred to him. Looking at the twenty year old leader of the White Fang, he could almost see himself, if he wasn't pulled out of his own patterns of self- destruction. Even more frightening. . .despite Zechs' attempt to destroy the earth, he was previously a decent, honorable man. Something that Shawn couldn't say. Before he met Elene, before he realized how close he was to self-destruction, it didn't matter. Win at any cost, the ends justified the means.
//How then,// he thought, //can I judge him? But I never tried to destroy a planet! I never threatened an entire civilization!// Another voice, deep within his soul, answered, //No. But given the chance, you would have. And would you have pulled back, as he did? He set Libra and Peacemillion on its destructive course, and he also hit the self destruct for the engines. Would you have pulled back? Can you say that you even know?//
And that was when Shawn Malloy finally began to understand. Why he was so desperate to save the young pilot after the final battle. In saving Zechs Merquise, he was saving himself. Atoning for what he did, what he would have done. He said now, staring at the door of the med-cabin, "This will not end here, Zechs Merquise. I had to live, had to atone for what I did. And so will you. Neither of us can get off that easily. And nor should we."
. . .
After Talia and Ciara left his room, Zechs fell back to sleep. His dreams were tortured, filled with dying men and women. Bloodied hands, burned hands, reaching out to him. Treize. Otto. Walker. Even Alex and Mueller, damn them. And how many others did he kill? Time and again, he saw Treize reach out. 'I'm waiting for you, my eternal friend. I'm waiting.' Zechs moaned in his sleep, trying to move away from the pull of those burned hands. And then, another hand took his. A clean hand, a whole hand. Unburned.
He awoke with a start, to find Shawn Malloy at his side. Zechs frowned, swallowed hard, and whispered, "Talia. . .is she all right?" He rarely saw Shawn in the last few weeks, although Talia told him that it was her husband who pulled him into the ship, in the ruined Epyon. She also told him that they stripped Epyon for parts, then blew it up. Good.
"Talia is fine, as is Ciara. How are you feelin,' lad?" Shawn asked in his soft Irish accent. Pagan was from Ireland, Zechs recalled. When he was a child, he loved to listen to his fencing master, just to hear the lovely Irish lilt. Zechs wondered if this man was from the same part of Ireland as his former teacher.
"I've been better," Zechs answered, thinking back to his escape from Oz. Shawn laughed softly, and Zechs looked back at the older man. Shawn's eyes were filled with sadness. And Zechs didn't know how he knew, but he said it anyhow, "You were a soldier, weren't you?"
"No. Not a soldier. A terrorist. Oh, that wasn't how I saw m'self, but that's what I was. Just as much a terrorist as the Gundam pilots were. I damn bloody near destroyed myself and everyone around me. Oh, I didn't belong t' any particular organization. I just wanted t' destroy everythin' around me. Just t' stop the hurtin' inside," Shawn answered.
Zechs closed his eyes. He understood that. He did the same thing, after all, when he allowed the White Fang to recruit him. He. . . Shawn continued, "That's right, you're not the first warrior t' do that. You're not the first soldier who's believed he was goin' straight t' hell for bein' what he was, for survivin' as best he could."
As he spoke, the Irish accent thickened, and Zechs whispered, "So, how did you survive? The guilt, the. . .feeling that you didn't deserve to live?" The knowledge you betrayed everyone you ever loved, and whoever loved you.
"I was lucky. There was a young American girl. Elene. Ciara's mother. She made me see that I was self-destructin,' that I would probably take everyone I ever loved wi' me. And she wouldn't stop, either, until she was sure that I got the message. So my question t' you, Zechs Merquise, is what would it take for you t' accept that we won't give up on you?" Shawn asked. Zechs lay back, closing his eyes, and Shawn continued, "Oh, you won't escape from me that easily. You don't deserve t' die. You don't deserve t' have that endless rest, that escape. You have t' stay alive, you have t' atone for what you did wrong. I've been where you are now. And I'm damned if I'll let you give up now."
"Why?" Zechs asked, and once more remembered the crash of Tallgeese I. The escape from Oz, the death of Zechs Merquise, or so he believed. //He was in a giant elevator, in a jeep, with a man in a Hawaiian shirt and shorts. His sore ribs protested the movement, and he winced. Howard turned back to look at him, asking, "Are you in a lot of pain?" Zechs ignored the question, asking instead, "Why did you bother saving me?"//
"Oh for the love of Mike! You are not stupid, Zechs Merquise, or Milliardo Peacecraft, or whatever the hell you want t' call yourself! Nor are you evil! Why won't we give up on you? Because we saved your bloody arse, that's why! We put our lives, and the life of our daughter, on the line, t' save your life! And we will not allow you t' ruin that by just givin' up and dyin! Do you understand me?" Shawn yelled.
His eyes were blazing, as Shawn continued in a somewhat quieter voice, "You want t' atone for what you did? Fine. You can start by payin' us back. We saved your life. . .you owe us. You owe it t' us t' fight, t' stay alive. . .t' atone for the mistakes you made, whether as a member of Oz, or as part of White Fang. You. . .owe. . .us. And I will make damn sure that you pay up."
Shawn's voice dropped to just above a whisper, his blue-gray eyes burning into Zechs. The younger man just stared back. He wasn't entirely sure why, but he could handle Shawn. Perhaps because they were both soldiers, warriors, whatever Shawn wanted to call himself. They weren't that different from each other.
No, it was Talia who un-nerved Zechs. That tiny slip of a woman who seemed to see right through to his soul. She knew exactly what he was thinking, how he felt about his father's death. He didn't feel threatened by her, no. There was nothing threatening about her quiet strength, about the woman who patiently nursed him back to health. But she did un-nerve him.
Perhaps that was revealed in his eyes, for Shawn shook his head and murmured, "Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Talia got under your skin, and I can't even get a flicker. Why is that? Because she's a woman? Or is it more elementary than that? Knowing that she remembers your family? Is that what sets us apart?"
Zechs didn't answer, and Shawn sighed, "Fine. Just remember this. If you won't fight for yourself, for us, then think of this. Think of everyone who has ever cared for you. Your sister, that young lieutenant you kept callin' for in your sleep, Noin. Your parents. The men who served under you, who died t' protect you. Think about them. You give up now, and you'll have betrayed them."
"I already have," Zechs answered harshly, his eyes snapping back to his now-unwelcome visitor, "I already have, don't you get it? I betrayed my sister, Noin. . .Otto, Walker, my parents, my heritage, everything I ever believed in, everything that ever meant anything to me, when I joined White Fang! Otto and Walker are both dead, as are my parents, and as for my sister and Noin. . .they're both both better off without me. Don't you understand? I'm trying to protect them! I nearly ruined both of their lives! They deserve better!"
"You called both of those names while you were unconscious," Shawn returned, "Otto, and Walker. You kept crying out t' Otto in particular, tellin' him t' stop. I went back and reviewed the tapes we had pirated from various Oz ships durin' the war. Otto was killed while freein' the Sank Kingdom from Alliance rule, a rule that lasted for almost fifteen years."
Zechs looked away. He remembered. He remembered all too well. He nearly died in Tallgeese during the first attempt to free the Sank Kingdom. The critically injured Otto took it upon himself to finish the job, since Zechs wasn't strong enough to master the Tallgeese on his first try. Already suffering from internal injuries, the young lieutenant died that day
Shawn said softly, "I told you, I've listened t' those tapes. But what you didn't know is that I listened t' both of you. You and Otto. You could have done nothin,' Zechs. Otto made his choice. He chose t' spare you further pain. He chose t' die as a warrior, instead of in a hospital. And he would have died. It was his choice, Zechs. But this is yours."
Zechs looked up at the older man, who continued, "You can either betray Otto's sacrifice and die now. Or you can redeem yourself, keep faith wi' him, and go on livin.' The choice is yours. Just understand. We all risked our lives t' save you and take care of you. We're gonna do our damnedest t' make sure that sacrifice wasn't in vain."
Shawn sighed and added, "You know, Elene told me somethin' when I finally woke up and realized what I was doin.' I was like you, just like you. I didn't deserve t' live, I was unfit t' breathe. I was a monster. That's what you see when you look in the mirror, isn't it? A monster, a creature which doesn't deserve the gift of life." Zechs looked away, unable to refute it. He was right, of course. That was exactly how Zechs saw himself. He wasn't a soldier, or a warrior. Just. . .a monster.
"You're wrong, though. You're anythin' but a monster. I suppose that's what our mission will be, once you've decided t' accept this second chance. Gettin' you t' believe that," Shawn observed and Zechs felt his lips twisting into a parody of a smile. That would be a mission worthy of Heero Yuy. That name brought back too many memories, however, and Zechs fought to bury the memories.
Instead, he focused on Shawn. The older man said quietly, his blue- gray eyes steady on Zechs' face, "Elene told me somethin' very important. She told me that it's not what you've done that matters. What matters, Zechs, is what you will do. What you will do t' atone for your past sins. . .and what you will do from this day forward. Think about that." He gave Zechs' shoulder a gentle squeeze, then left the cabin.
Zechs closed his eyes, leaning back. His chest hurt, his body hurt. His soul hurt. But deep inside his heart, he recognized the truth of what Shawn said. Despite everything, despite the mistakes he made, despite his transgressions against humanity as the leader of White Fang, he was given a second chance at life. Somehow, someway, he had to atone for what he did. He had to make things right. He could do that for Relena and Noin by staying out of their lives. He remained convinced about that. If he returned to earth, if they found out he was still alive, he would just ruin things for them. For their own safety, they had to believe he was dead.
He was given this extraordinary second chance in space, and in space he would take that chance. Out here, he would rebuild his shattered life, his shattered soul. Not for his own sake, but for the sake of those who sacrificed so much. Otto, Walker, his father, to name just a few. The Malloys, who *had* put their lives on the line to save him. And maybe, in time, he would do it for himself. Zechs doubted that. . .at this moment, he didn't believe that was possible.
But for now. . .for now, he would rest. He was so, very tired. Zechs closed his eyes, almost melting into the sheets which surrounded his body. The adrenaline high caused by his arguments with Talia and Shawn was ending, leaving him exhausted. He sighed quietly, grimacing unconsciously at the pain caused by the motion, then drifted off to sleep.
. . .
"I was thinking it might be overkill, but maybe not," Talia murmured as she listened to the conversation between her husband and Zechs. Just before she left the med-cabin, she flicked on the intercom. Just in case Zechs needed her. Ciara looked up from the book she was reading, and Talia continued, "I know, you think it's cheating, but. . ." Ciara sat up, shaking her light brown hair from her eyes.
"It doesn't matter what I think," she said somewhat peevishly, "it doesn't seem to matter to Zechs that he's being stupid. Daddy's trying to make him stay alive by being nasty. And you're listening to the conversation. Honestly!" Talia hid her smile. She knew how her daughter would react to something like that. But. . .
"Well," she pointed out reasonably, "It's like this, honey. I turned on the intercom, in case Zechs needed me. I wasn't planning on listening to your father's conversation with him. But, since the monitor was already on, I figured I should use it, in case your father went too far. After all, we want to keep Zechs alive, we don't want him reinjuring himself by taking a swing at your father." Ciara looked at her, her blue-gray eyes widening with shock.
But before she had a chance to speak, Shawn re-entered the kitchen, saying, "I heard that, Natalia. And I wasn't that bad." Talia grinned and tapped the toe-end of her boots against the bars of the chair. Shawn glared at her, added, "I wasn't! Although, it got temptin' t' hit him. I'm beginnin' t' understand why Elene got so exasperated wi' me."
Now Talia did laugh, answering, "Duh." Shawn glared at her again, and Talia said more seriously, "So, do you think you got through to him?" Shawn didn't answer immediately, sitting down beside his daughter. Talia took that time to leave her own seat for a cup of coffee, making a mental note to herself to take Ciara shopping for new clothes the next time they were on one of the colonies. The preteen was quickly losing patience with wearing Talia's hand-me-downs.
At last, Shawn answered, "I think so, yah. He's not a stupid lad, but he's stubborn. And he's in pain. That factor alone. . .that kind of pain. . .I'm still tryin' t' figure out how he managed t' keep his sanity as long as he did. Especially under the tutelage of first Treize Khushrenada, then Quinze Barton. Just among the three of us, I don't know who of those two were more insane."
"Moot point. They're both dead. Let the dead bury their dead, Shawn, and we'll take care of live, soul-wounded boys," Talia replied. Shawn looked at her inquiringly, and Talia continued, "Hey, I know he's twenty years old, but I remember him when he was six years old. To me, he's still a kid. Ten years can make a world of difference, Shawn."
"So can five," Shawn muttered, then yelped as Talia threw a sponge at him. He went on, "So, now we wait. Oh, I'm fairly certain I got through t' him. So, we wait now for him t' make the decision for himself. T' live for himself, instead of the sake of another who is already dead." Talia nodded. Yes, but in the meantime, they would undertake that mission Shawn spoke of.
It was Ciara, however, who said, "And while we're waiting for him to make that decision, we start teaching him that he's not really a monster." Talia nodded, smiling at her step-daughter. Yes. Ciara responded with an answering smile, a one-hundred eight from her previous sullen expression, and added, "All for one, one for all!"
Talia burst out laughing, and Shawn rolled his eyes as he pushed himself closer to the table, his hand covering the hand which his daughter had stretched out. He muttered as Talia followed suit, "That is the LAST time I'm lettin' you t' stay up late t' watch any of the Musketeers movies!" Talia almost fell off the chair, she was laughing so hard.
And it wasn't even really funny. But emotions have a way of catching up with you when you least expect it. . .and Talia's pent-up anxiety, her suppressed memories, needed an outlet of some kind. This was no worse than others, and certainly better. As she put her hand over those of her husband and daughter, she managed to compose herself and say, "Yes. . .yes, all for one, and one for all."