Here is the next part in the Resurrection Cycle, 'Eyes of Mercy.' The ones
to follow are 'The Great Divide,' 'Blood-Stained Memories' and 'Mission:
Recovery.' Those three will be stand-alones.
Dreamweavr: Thank you. . .I'm glad to hear it. I especially am pleased that it is different. I don't like doing things which have been done repeatedly.
Mon: (laughs) That's the general idea. Most of the Zechs fans I've talked to over the last few years often wanted to shake him or smack him, even as they wanted to hug him and tell him that everything would be all right. And with the amount of encouragement I've received, I will post all the stories which are written.
Sabersonic: Absolutely, I will post the rest of the stories. If I recall, only two stories actually ended up being posted. . .or very few. I have a total of seven or eight.
Karina: I'll post the entire Resurrection Cycle, the stories that were written, as well as a few that don't exactly go anywhere. And who knows? Maybe I'll finally get around to writing those last few stories. I've been distracted by the other fandoms I've been working on.
Eyes of Mercy
It was a quiet Sunday afternoon, almost six weeks after the final battle between Epyon and Wing Zero. On earth, the Malloy family would have been in the living room of their home, the sunlight streaming in through bay windows. They probably would have just arrived home from Mass maybe an hour earlier, since Shawn was a Catholic. Shawn would have probably been reading the paper, muttering under his breath about whatever was going on during this time of armistice. Perhaps the delays in bringing the war criminals from the White Fang to justice. Ciara would have been lying on the floor, giggling at the comics.
Talia didn't know where she would have been. And in the end, it didn't matter, since they weren't on earth. So, she was itemizing each piece they stripped from Epyon when they rescued Zechs Merquise six weeks earlier. In a few days, they would reach L2, where they often traded. At the least, they would be able to buy a better vessel. And at most. . .well, who knew? Talia sighed, swiping her dark curls back from her face. //I need to get this cut properly this time,// she thought, //instead of doing it myself. Put it on the list of things to do while we're at the colony, along with getting Ciara some new clothes.//
Ciara was with Zechs. He made steady improvement during the last six weeks. It wasn't his physical health which concerned Talia, but his emotional and mental. There was still a terrible sadness in his eyes. Ciara was the perfect antidote to Zechs' bouts with melancholy. He still hadn't accepted the second chance at life he received. But he wasn't trying to kill himself, either. Directly, or indirectly. He was eating, and sleeping, exercising. He lost some muscle tone with the weeks he spent in bed after the explosion of the Libra.
She still heard him say that he caused the self-destruction, rather than allow Heero Yuy to do it, because the younger pilot was more pure than he was. Yeah. Right. As if. Purity had nothing to do with survival, as she well knew from her own life experience. If purity of heart, purity of soul, purity of body, had anything to do with survival, she would have died a long time ago. And Petyr would still be alive. He was pure when he died. Just a child.
Still, any kind of progress was a good thing. He was still insisting that his sister and Lucrezia Noin were better off without him. Foolish, foolish boy. It took little on Talia's part to realize how Zechs felt about the girl Lucrezia, to realize that he loved her deeply. She was nearby, piloting the MS which broadcast the battle between Epyon and Wing Zero. Talia was sure Lucrezia loved Zechs as well. It made her a little sad.
They loved each other. They belonged together. Oh, they were both still young, but Talia also knew how little that meant. When you were young, you believed you could live forever. That you were invincible. Zechs no longer believed that, after escaping death twice. He was strong. . .but he wasn't immortal.
Thinking of the pair drew Talia's mind to her own marriage. It was always platonic, and until recently, it never occurred to her to want something more. Things just. . .were. She knew Shawn only married her to give Ciara a mother figure. She was so young when Elene died. And Shawn's personal code demanded that he marry Talia, to protect her reputation. Never mind that it was just the three of them. That was just how Shawn was.
But he didn't love her. Not like that. Oh, she knew he loved her, but it was more like Zechs' love for his sister Relena. Or her own love for Petyr. Shawn loved Elene, would always love Elene. And until the last several months, that was all right with Talia. She was happy with her life, she had Ciara, and she and Shawn were good friends. The very best of friends. What else would she want?
She remembered her parents' passionless marriage. There were times, once Talia's teenaged libido awakened, when the girl wondered how her parents produced one child, much less two. She knew from random remarks her mother made that theirs was an arranged marriage. She also knew that her mother envied Katerina Peacecraft for her love match. So, this platonic marriage, this marriage of convenience, seemed normal to her. The first time she had any inkling that things could be different came from Raoul and Katerina Peacecraft, as short-lived as that example was. Then Shawn and Elene. But that was different. That was for other people. Not someone like her. Someone damaged.
Talia didn't know what changed her mind, what changed her during the last six months. Perhaps it was her discovery that she was approaching thirty. That she was married to a man who didn't desire her. A discovery that bothered her for the first time since the first year of their marriage. She was so young when they married, had unrealistic expectations. The first time she tried to touch Shawn, tried to be his wife, quickly reminded her that he only married her to protect her reputation and provide Ciara with a mother figure. Talia cringed, even now. But she dealt with the mortification, and taught herself to accept the status quo.
Until recently. And yes, it began about six months earlier. But it became even worse during the last six weeks. Now, Shawn was no longer the only man aboard their ship. Oh, yes, Zechs was a twenty year old boy, ten years younger than she was. But he was handsome, and gentle, and vulnerable. And the way he looked at Talia when he thought no one was looking took her breath away. Passion and tenderness collided in looks such as those.
No one ever looked at Talia like that before. And she never let on that she saw Zechs looking at her like that. It would have mortified him. She knew he would have considered it less than honorable. She was the wife of another, the wife of a man who helped to save his life. No, that couldn't be permitted. Especially given the intensity of his feelings for Lucrezia, made all the more intense by his denial of those feelings.
Be that as it may. At the age of thirty, Talia Malloy found herself coming alive. Feeling things she hadn't felt in almost fifteen years. It was becoming more and more difficult for her to accept her place in Shawn's life. To not want more. With a muffled curse, Talia forced herself to get back to work. This was insane. Just insane.
"I have more than I deserve," she muttered to herself, remembering a smoky, blood-drenched day in the Sank Kingdom, "I'm alive, I'm married to a man who cares about and respects me. I have Ciara. What the hell am I thinking, reacting this way to that boy? He's just a child! I'm losing my mind."
However, Talia knew she was being unjust to Zechs. He wasn't a child at all. He was very young, and in some ways, he was still growing up. But his childhood ended when hers did, on the same day her brother's very life ended. Which didn't ease the ache she felt, deep inside. How could she fight these feelings? She never felt that kind of a gaze on her, even though she knew Zechs was just grateful to her for saving his life. That was all it could be, she told herself now, as gloriously handsome as he was, how could he look at someone like her twice?
She was no one special. Just the woman who helped to save his life. And, she was damaged goods. Zechs was just a boy, and Shawn was a good man. They both deserved better. Shawn deserved another woman like Elene, and Zechs deserved his Lucrezia. Period.
. . .
"I dunno, do you want to go with us? To the colony, I mean. Mom told me that she'd take me shopping for new clothes while Daddy is selling the salvage pieces," Ciara chattered. Zechs smiled, looking at his young companion. She was so excited. Zechs couldn't remember the last time he felt that kind of excitement. For that matter, he couldn't even remember being this. . .innocent when he was twelve years old. He didn't know anyone this innocent when he was Ciara's age. She seemed so very old and so very young to him at the same time.
No, he could remember no such excitement. If he did have such a memory, it was buried under the years of pain and guilt and self-loathing. Zechs shook his head, knowing that he was in danger of self-destructing. No way to pay back the Malloy family's generosity. Ciara continued, "Mom says she's gonna get her hair cut, maybe after we get some new clothes for me. Dad's gonna sell the parts from the Epyon. I wish you were awake when they blew up the rest of Epyon. It was pretty cool."
She stopped, staring at him suddenly, then asked, "Are you all right, Zechs? I know I'm rattling on, but you haven't said much ever since you woke up. Are you feeling all right?" Zechs just smiled at the girl and leaned his head back. He wondered if Relena was like this when she was twelve years old. Yes, she was Ciara's age when he rescued her from the abduction attempt, but. . .that had been a brief moment.
"I'm fine," he answered, "Just have little to say. Thinking a lot. But I've been listening." Ciara just stared at him sadly, and Zechs asked, "Now what's bothering you, Miss Ciara? I promised your father and mother than I wouldn't try to. . .do anything that would negate the risks you've taken on my behalf."
Ciara scowled at him and replied, "You mean you promised Dad that you wouldn't try to kill yourself, that you would make yourself strong again. You didn't say anything about being sad. You're sad all the time, Zechs, and Mom says it's not good. She says that being sad makes you more. . .more. . .well, it makes it harder for you to get well."
"I'm not sad when I'm with you, Ciara," Zechs answered, reaching over to take her hand and giving it a gentle squeeze. It was true, too. He felt. . .lighter when he was spending time with Ciara. And then there was the guilt factor as well. When she felt that he was sad, it made Ciara sad as well. And he didn't want to cause this beautiful child any more pain.
Ciara beamed, her smile seeming to further brighten the room. She returned the pressure on his hand, saying, "Good. I'm glad about that. Mom said that I could help you get better, but I didn't believe her. Well, yeah, I got out the med-kit when we brought you aboard, and I helped to get the med-cabin set up, but Mom's done all the work." Zechs bit down on his lower lip. He hadn't had much experience with girls like Ciara, but his instincts told him not to laugh at her observation. The girl continued curiously, "Zechs, how come you chose that name? Mom told me that your real, full name is Milliardo Julian Peacecraft."
Zechs cringed a little at the girl's pronouncement of his full name. He wondered for the umpteenth time why his parents named him 'Milliardo.' However, it wasn't important now. He replied, "Because I knew my father wouldn't approve of the path I believed was necessary after he and my mother were killed. I had to avenge him, and my mother, and everything that was destroyed when the Sank Kingdom fell. I had to become a soldier, or so I believed. I knew how my father felt about war. So, in order to protect the Peacecraft name, I took the name 'Zechs Merquise,' and started a new life for myself."
"I understand that," Ciara said impatiently, with what Talia called her patented 'well, duh' look. Zechs bit his lip even harder and Ciara went on, "Mom told me all that, but I still think it's silly. You're still you, you're still the son of Raoul and Katerina Peacecraft, no matter which name you use. But what I mean is, why did you chose 'Zechs Merquise' for your new name? Mom says that 'Merquise' is really close to 'Marquise,' which is sort of your other title." Zechs stared at the girl in amazement.
He knew Talia spent time in the Sank Kingdom, knew his family. He still didn't know how she knew about them, but she did. And obviously, she shared a large portion of her knowledge with her step-daughter. However, he replied, "And how does your mother explain my choice of given names?"
"WELL, according to Mom, 'sechs' is the German word for 'six,' which is how old you were when the Sank Kingdom was attacked. But that doesn't make sense, 'cause the Sank Kingdom was. . .isn't, I mean, isn't in Germany. So. . .why?" Ciara asked. Zechs didn't know how to react. Was there something about him which Talia didn't know, or hadn't guessed? //Never mind,// he thought, //I don't want to know.//
He replied slowly, "Well, your mother is right. And I chose 'Zechs,' because as a child I learned to speak German." There were other, more involved reasons. Reasons which would invoke Treize Khushrenada, but Zechs didn't want to bring him into the conversation. Didn't want that shadow to fall across this innocent girl. Ciara drew in a breath, as if to ask another question, but the door slid open.
"Ciara, I need you t' do me a favor, acushla. Sorry, Zechs, but I need t' borrow my daughter for a few hours," Shawn said, entering the med- cabin. He leaned against the wall, smiling at them both. Ciara closed her mouth with a snap, and glanced at Zechs with a long-suffering sigh. Zechs bit back a laugh, and smiled at her sympathetically instead, and Shawn continued, his eyes twinkling with amusement, "You can finish this later. . .c'mon, m'girl!"
The youngster rose to her feet and sighed, "I'll be back later, Zechs. Be good." Zechs nodded. . .and was thoroughly shocked when Ciara leaned over and kissed him rather daringly on the lips. The young man stared at her in shock, as the immensely-pleased girl bounded from the room. The shock turned to embarrassment, and Zechs felt himself blushing rather fiercely.
Too fiercely to speak. Shawn just looked at him and said, "She did the kissin,' I saw. Just make sure that you don't reciprocate." He didn't say anything more. He didn't need to. Shawn left without another word, and Zechs sank back against his pillows. //Oooh boy. Now just how,// he wondered, //do I deal with this?//
. . .
Ciara was feeling very pleased with herself as she bounded out of the cabin, and she wasn't even concerned about how her father would react to her kissing Zechs. He wouldn't blame Zechs, she knew that. So, she concentrated on other things. Like, her feelings for him. Over the last few weeks, as Zechs regained his strength, she noticed him making more of an effort when she was around. Trying not to be sad. Ciara was glad about that. She didn't want him to be sad, didn't want him to believe that he wasn't worth saving.
It seemed to Ciara that she always knew about Zechs Merquise. Neither of her parents ever supported Oz, or the Alliance. In fact, those two organizations prevented the family from returning to Earth recently. Daddy muttered darkly about tyranny taking different names, but wearing the same face.
Five years earlier, when Ciara was seven, she heard the name Zechs Merquise for the first time. Mom was listening to the feeds from Earth, frowning thoughtfully. Daddy wasn't silent, denouncing the Specials, particularly their twenty year old leader Treize Khushrenada. Ciara couldn't remember why her father hadn't liked the young colonel. . .just that he didn't.
A dislike which continued to the end of the general's life a few weeks earlier, even though General Khrushrenada was leading the force to protect the Earth. While Ciara thought White Fang was dumb for saying the Earth was to blame for everything, she was nonetheless fascinated with Zechs. . .or Milliardo.
It was a confusing time for Ciara, who saw things as black and white. She asked her mother who was right, and who was wrong. Were the colonies evil, or was Earth? Her mother sighed sadly, answering, "Neither, Ciara Rose. They just have different ideas about what should be done to ensure lasting peace. White Fang doesn't even represent all of the colonies. Oh, the colonies want to be left in peace, but they don't accept White Fang as their savior."
"And the Earth? I know Queen Relena is Commander Peacecraft's sister. Is she wrong? Does everyone on Earth feel as she does?" Ciara asked. There was a brief moment of pain in her mother's eyes, which Ciara hadn't understood at the time. Now, she did. Now, she knew that her mother knew both Commander Peacecraft and his sister when they were children. But until their rescue of Zechs, Mom never talked about her past, about her life on Earth.
"No, baby, they don't. That's part of what caused this. It's a long story, but there are always two sides to a story. I can't tell you why Commander Peacecraft joined up with White Fang. I can tell you what Howard thinks of him," her mother replied. Howard was one of the creators of the gundams, and a long-time associate of Ciara's parents.
There was another feed then, interrupting the conversation, the feed of the battle between Heero Yuy and Zechs Merquise/Milliardo Peacecraft. A battle which was transmitted through the efforts of another pilot. And Ciara's mother fell silent, her eyes glued to the screen. Ciara's own attention was divided between the battle and her mother's face. She looked worried. No. She looked frightened.
Her mother wasn't the only one who was frightened. Ever since their rescue of Zechs, Ciara's world was turned upside down, and inside out. Everything she ever believed was called into question. The only thing she knew for certain, aside from her parents' love for her, was that she was falling in love with Zechs Merquise.
. . .
Monotonous work had its pluses, and its minuses. In the minus category, it gave a person entirely too much time to think. In the plus category, it also gave that person time to refocus. That was why Talia chose not to hurry over her work. There was plenty of time until they reached the colony. And she needed all of that time.
After she itemized the spare parts and re-worked the inventory accordingly, Talia stopped long enough in her cabin to wash up, making a mental note to remind Shawn about dumping the tanks. And to send an email to Howard, to make sure her old friend wasn't on the colony when they arrived. She didn't think any of them could handle the fall-out from a possible encounter between Howard and Zechs.
When she felt human again, she continued to Zechs' cabin. He improved during the last few weeks. While Talia saw to his physical health, Ciara saw to his emotional and mental. Talia thought it was too bad they didn't have a priest aboard, then she remembered the last time she encountered a priest, and decided they could do without.
Talia found Zechs sitting up in bed and reading, a slight grimace giving away the way his ribs still pained him. No surprise there. After the way he was tossed around in Epyon after the explosion, Talia was sure his ribs would be healing for some time to come. His internal injuries were healing as well as could be expected, since he was picked up by a salvage vessel instead of a medical transport.
"I hear my daughter kissed you before she left to help Shawn," Talia said softly. Zechs looked up, frowning, and Talia sat down in her customary chair, adding, "I knew it was just a matter of time before she did something like that. She's had a crush on you for years." Zechs blinked, obviously surprised, and Talia tried not to laugh at his reaction.
The desire to laugh vanished as Zechs worried, "How do I react to this, Talia? I don't want to break her heart, but she's only twelve years old. She's younger than my sister, I think of her as a little sister. Get me a mobile doll to blast, and I'm fine. I have no idea how to treat a girl who has a crush on me!" Something which really shouldn't have surprised Talia, but for some reason, it did.
//And reacting to her, as you would react to Lucrezia, is not an option, is it?// Talia thought. She said softly, "Zechs, I know you don't want to encourage her. . .and I know you don't want to ignore her. Finding a middle ground has never been easy for you, has it? You were intense even as a little boy."
Zechs opened his mouth, obviously to ask her about that, and Talia continued, "Here's what I suggest. Treat her as you would Relena, or would have treated Relena if you were given an honest chance to be her older brother. Oh, she won't be happy about being viewed as a little sister. But Zechs, the alternatives are far worse. And no matter what happens, Ciara will be hurt. There's nothing you can do about that. The only thing you can do is let her down gently."
"Oh, I'm very good at letting people down, at disappointing them. I've been doing it my entire life," Zechs said bitterly. Talia kept her hand at her side, though it itched to slap him hard across the face. It wouldn't do any good. The young man closed his eyes, muttering, "I don't know how to do this gently! I've been given a chance to stop hurting people, and the first test that comes along. . ."
"Is an impossible one, Zechs. I told you. There is nothing you can do that won't hurt Ciara in some way or another. That is not your responsibility. Your responsibility is the way you hurt her. You have one of three choices. You can encourage her, and set her up to have her heart shattered into a thousand pieces. You can ignore her, and behave like a total jerk. Or you can be her friend, her older brother," Talia replied, "and honestly, the third is the kindest, the most honest."
She smiled faintly and continued, "But honesty has never been a problem for you, has it? Oh, sure, you concealed your identity behind that damn mask. And you pretended to be part of the Alliance, when you were really planning its takeover. You're still an essentially honest person, in spite of both those deceptions. You know, I was so angry with you, Zechs, when you were unveiled, so to speak, as the new leader of the White Fang. I heard. . .murmurings. . .the last time I was on one of the colonies, and what I heard about Quinze Barton frightened me. So, when I realized you joined up with him after the Sank Kingdom fell again. . .I knew everyone was in trouble."
She paused, leaned forward almost confidentially, and continued, "I was so angry with you, Zechs. I couldn't understand what had happened to you, what could have possibly hurt you so badly that you would do such a thing. And I wondered if there was anything that could save you. There was. I realized that after Treize Khushrenada challenged to that duel, remember? And how you answered?"
She could see from his expression that he did remember, and Talia went on, "It was then that you began to redeem yourself to me, Zechs. As foolish as it may sound, it was then that I began to believe that the sweet prince whom I remembered from the Sank Kingdom might still exist under all the anger and bitterness. That was when I knew you could be saved. Because you knew that such a duel was folly."
"But. . ." Zechs began, and Talia shook her head. No. She wasn't finished yet. She categorized and labeled the parts from Epyon for several hours, and she thought a great deal about that day. It was really the first time she had a chance to think since their rescue. First time she had a chance to sort through her reaction to the battles and tragedies of the day.
"That's not all, Zechs. We watched all of the feeds about the battle. I downloaded the communications from Epyon. You tried to kill Treize Khushrenada, would have killed him if Lady Une hadn't arrived to protect him. Would have, could have. . .but you didn't. No matter what we feel about Treize Khushrenada, especially Shawn, I will always be grateful to Lady Une for saving his life. In doing so, she helped to save your soul," Talia replied in a soft voice.
She paused, touched his cheek gently, and added, "And. . .I've been talking with Howard." The blue eyes flew back to her face, and Talia said, "No, he doesn't know you're still alive. He's not real good at lying, and he'd want to tell your sister and Lucrezia Noin. We've known Howard for years. He's a good man."
"I betrayed him, too," Zechs said in a hollow voice, "he was my friend. He took care of me, and I betrayed him." Talia looked at him sadly. This was something that he would have to work through on his own. But there was one bit of comfort which she could offer him, comfort which she found in her conversation with Howard.
"Yes, you did. But I think Howard can forgive you. Once you tell him everything. Once you apologize. Once you explain what happened to the serious, but fair young man he knew," Talia said gently. She paused, then continued, "You never stopped being the Lightning Count, Zechs. In your own twisted way, you were still trying to bring about justice. You just went about it the wrong way."
"I'm not ready to face him, Talia. I'm too weak," he said softly. She knew he was talking about physical and emotional weakness. But he was right. He wasn't ready. However, at least he was thinking about Howard, as well as his sister and Lucrezia Noin. And, he was more willing to speak with Howard. That boded well for a future meeting with his sister and her bodyguard. Zechs was silent for several moments, then he asked, "What of you? Do you still have family on Earth?"
She understood what he was asking. But she answed the question which was directly asked, saying, "I haven't seen my family in almost fifteen years. I don't know if they're alive or dead. If they're in the same place, I'm sure they're alive. If not. . .who knows." Zechs looked away, and Talia sighed.
"But I forgive you, Zechs. I forgive you for what you did, for firing the cannon at Earth. And I forgive you for what you would have done, for what you could have done. Would have, could have. In the end, you saved Earth. You helped to take out the Libra before it hit the earth. That's what counts. Not would have, could have. What you actually did," she told him in a quiet voice.
"It can't be that easy. Not after everything I did wrong. Everything I touched somehow went bad. And shouldn't Ciara be angry with me, too? Why doesn't she care that I tried to destroy the earth?" Zechs murmured, shaking his head. Talia sighed again. She would need time to break through his belief that he was bad. In some ways, he was still the six year old child she remembered.
//That's not fair, though,// she thought, //after King Raoul and Queen Katerina died, who taught him about forgiveness and second chances? Who loved him?// There was only one person, whom she knew of, and not even Lucrezia Noin could have taught him about forgiveness. She was the same age he was, and he needed that lesson from someone older and wiser, preferably a parent.
Talia was ten years older than Zechs. . .not old enough to be his mother. But she was old enough to be viewed as a much older sister. //Petyr,// she thought again, //this is for you, my sweet little brother. This is for you.// Then Talia turned her attention back to the present and said softly, "If it isn't that easy, Z, it's not forgiveness. Forgiveness can't be bought or sold with the cost of one's blood. It's freely given."
Zechs looked up, startled by her observation. . .and the nickname. Talia smiled at him faintly, then continued, "Yes, you earn trust. But that's separate. And peace, true peace, must be attained. But forgiveness is given. Like love. I've given you my forgiveness. That's a start, isn't it? At the very least, it's a place to start."
He looked at her, smiled weakly, then nodded. It was a beginning. Talia continued, "You asked why Ciara isn't angry with you. I won't say she was happy about the events of the Eve War. She was confused. She. . .there's nothing that ties her to the earth. Her mother is dead, everything she's ever known has been in outer space. Shawn's parents are dead, as are Elene's. When you threatened the earth, it simply didn't mean anything to her."
She could tell from Zechs' expression that it never occurred to him. But as he considered what she told him, Talia saw comprehension dawning in his pale blue eyes. She went on, changing the subject, "I want you to think about something else. We'll reach the colony in a few days. Shawn flies faster than he lets on. I let him think that I don't notice, but I do. I want you to leave the ship with us."
Zechs started to protest, but Talia continued, "I want you to think about coming with us. Not as Zechs Merquise, or as Milliardo Peacecraft. Shawn and I have been talking about this. You'll have a disguise of some kind. But you need to get off this ship for a little while. You must be getting restless."
He was, she could see it in his eyes. He didn't want to admit it, even to himself, but now that she said the words, he didn't have to hide any more. He said softly, "I am. I didn't want you to think I was ungrateful. I know what you and Shawn have risked by saving me, by taking care of me." Talia nodded. She had a feeling he would say that. That was why she brought it up. Further, Talia sensed she would often need to initiate these. . .projects.
For now, she just squeezed his hand gently and replied, "It isn't a lack of gratitude. I know how boring it can get. Now. I've been thinking about this, and the first thing we have to do is figure out a way to change your hair. Now don't look at me like that, I wasn't gonna suggest cutting it. But. . .something has to be done. And I've already suggested to Shawn that we call you 'Zach' in public. It's close enough to your name, so you remember it easily."
"And it's different enough not to raise any suspicions," Zechs concluded and Talia bobbed her head. Exactly. Zechs was silent for several moments, then asked, "You promise not to cut my hair? Strange as it may sound, I like it the way it is." He sounded like a five year old, trying to ascertain if an adult was being honest with him.
Talia struggled against a smile, aware that she was treating him as if he was Ciara's age, and said, "Pinky promise, Julian." Again, he opened his mouth, presumably to ask about her connection to the Sank Kingdom, but she smiled and said, "All in the fullness of time, my dear Zechs, all in the fullness of time. In the meantime, get some rest. We'll be running you around on the colony, and you'll need your energy for that."
She knew that Zechs was improving. Day by day, she saw more and more signs of life from the young man. A smile that lasted a few seconds longer, a question he would ask Shawn. His shy request earlier that week to eat dinner with them. Small things, which meant nothing and everything at the same time. But until she teasingly told him to get some rest, she hadn't realized how far he came. The usually serious young man responded to her dig by sticking his tongue out at her. Talia gaped, then burst out laughing. Zechs blushed, but grinned, looking almost pleased with himself. Talia patted his shoulder and said, "We'll make a regular person out of you yet, Peacecraft, just you wait!" She leaned over and kissed the top of his head.
He smiled shyly up at her, his eyes dropping briefly to her chest, before returning to her eyes. Talia didn't let on that she saw the motion of his eyes. Besides. She was flattered. Just because she didn't have anything there for him to see, at least he looked. //Oh gods, Natasha,// she groaned to herself, //get your mind out of the gutter!// But she smiled brightly and left the room, still chuckling at his unexpected response. Once she was outside once more, she took a deep breath. This was not gonna work. Either she got herself under control, or she took a long, cold shower. The latter was a distinct possibility.
She pushed herself off the wall, trying to itemize all the things she had to do before they reached the colony the following day. Unfortunately, she didn't have time to email the appropriate people about opening the house for them, so Talia focused her attention on that, instead. Years earlier, to give Ciara some sense of stability, Shawn bought a house on L2. It was the American colony, and it was his hope that it would give his daughter a sense of her mother. Elene, that is, not Talia. They often returned to their house, a little cottage with four rooms. Perfect. Zechs would have his own room.
Talia laughed at herself. Her smile died as she thought about the pictures which were strewn about the house, pictures of herself when she was still a teenager. As yet, Zechs hadn't recognized her, but she had a feeling he would once he saw those pictures. //I'll just have to take care of that first thing,// Talia resolved. She had her mission now, her focus.
. . .
//You have got to get yourself under control, Merquise,// Zechs berated himself, //Talia didn't notice this time, but it's only a matter of time.// His face burned. He still couldn't believe he did something so. . .crass as to look at a woman's breasts! He wasn't a child, for heaven's sake, he knew about the relations between men and women. Or men and men. Or. . .ENOUGH!
He flopped back against the pillows, for once not caring about the pain which would result from the careless action. In fact, he welcomed the pain, it would take his mind off. . .other pain. To say nothing of his mortification. Talia was a married woman, for heaven's sake! Married, with a young daughter. . .all right, so Ciara wasn't actually her child. The point was, she was a married woman, married to the man who pulled his sorry ass out of space, and Zechs wouldn't be so callous of that.
He sighed, closing his eyes. He wasn't even sure when it began. Oh, he noticed Talia right away. While she didn't have the heart-stopping beauty of Lucrezia Noin (//Noin,// he thought wistfully), or the childish loveliness of his sister, Talia had something else. He couldn't define it. Couldn't put a name to it.
It was a combination of vulnerability, strength, wisdom and innocence. Or. . .not even innocence. Her eyes told him that she saw things not even he did. But in spite of whatever she endured, she never allowed it to break her spirit. She could still laugh, could still behave like a young girl if the circumstances allowed. She was compassionate, but she could be tough on him when she chose. Talia seemed determined to make him understand that he couldn't assume all of the blame for the last war. //Why not,// he asked her about a week earlier, //when I'm the one who declared war on earth? I'm the one who was prepared to destroy it.//
//True,// she answered, //but you didn't create the situation. You didn't create the climate. That blame can be spread around. Oz, Romefeller, White Fang, your sister.// Zechs started to protest, that none of this was Relena's fault, but Talia stared at him with those dark hazel eyes which seemed to see through to his very soul and said, //She let Romefeller have your country without much of a fight. That's why you went to White Fang, wasn't it?//
//I made the decision to join White Fang. . .no one else, Talia,// Zechs countered. He felt his blood rising. And then she smiled at him, as if he just won her argument for her, and he realized that she was trying to aggravate him on purpose. He sighed and Talia's smile broadened. Damn the woman. She was going to get him into a full-fledged argument yet, and she would probably love every second of it. She was bringing him back to life in spite of himself. What was worse, Zechs realized that he wasn't ready to die yet.
//I know that,// she answered, //but I made my point. I can goad you, Zechs, and you don't even realize it. You're still fighting, whether you admit it or not. You're still fighting, and you want to live. Now. I meant what I said. There's plenty of blame to go around. You have broad shoulders, true, but you aren't Atlas.//
Zechs smiled ruefully at the reference to the ancient Greek legend, the man who held Earth on his shoulders. Talia continued, //Just like the fall of the Sank Kingdom. The first time, I mean. There was plenty of blame to go around.// Zechs started to protest, and Talia looked at him sadly, adding, //I know a bit more about it than you do, Zechs. I was sixteen. You were six.//
And unfortunately, remembering their arguments did little to cool his blood. If anything, it stirred his libido further. He remembered his debates with Noin at Lake Victoria, when they were still cadets. //Noin would like Talia,// he thought, then shook his head. No. He wouldn't think like that. He missed Noin keenly, and his groin felt tight enough as it was. Thinking about his long-time friend would make matters worse.
Unfortunately, that turned his mind right back to Talia. Yes, she was tough and compassionate. Silly and sassy. And whether Zechs wanted to admit to himself or not, he was a twenty year old male. With his second brush with death, his hormones seemed to have awakened, and Talia was the only viable female on board. Ciara. . .ah, no. She was younger than Relena, and Zechs had his share of faults. Child molesting wasn't among them.
He thought of Alicia Remington, the little girl aboard the Libra who was raped by a member of White Fang. Zechs hoped she was all right. He entrusted her to Noin's care, and Lucrezia Noin never let him down before. Another way Noin and Talia were alike. They were both so stable. Zechs groaned as his hormones kicked into high gear. Not again! Not this again!
//I think,// he decided, purposely moving to jar his ribs, //that I really need to go with them when they reach the colony. Maybe being among other people will make things better.// That eased the tightness in his groin somewhat, and he slipped into a position that wasn't as painful. He sighed and closed his eyes. Maybe now he could get some rest.
. . .
"You know he's startin' t' develop a crush on you," Shawn said as Talia joined him in the cockpit. The bridge. Whatever the hell you wanted to call it. Talia raised an eyebrow and Shawn continued, "Zechs. Bit of a mess. Ciara has had a crush on him for years, he's developin' a crush on you. Could be trouble."
"He's grateful to me, that's all. I'm ten years older than he is, Shawn," Talia answered, walking to the console. She sat down in front of their communications computer and logged in, then asked, "What is Howard's email on Earth? The Peacemillion was destroyed, and I can't remember if he has an account on L2."
"Check my address book. . .you know I don't have a good memory for those things," Shawn advised and Talia nodded, connecting her account to Shawn's address book. He continued, "And you could pass for twenty-five. . .hell, you could pass for twenty-one at a distance. Don't try t' tell me that he's just grateful t' you. A man knows when another man has the hots for a woman."
He was looking at her intently, his blue-gray eyes never leaving her face. Talia had the sense that Shawn wanted her to react in some way. But. . .she didn't know exactly what he wanted from her. And why it seemed so important to him. Their marriage was in name only, he was happy with that, he always wanted it like that. He couldn't possibly be jealous? Not that Talia would have broken her vows, but that wasn't the point. Why was Shawn so interested in her reaction to Zechs?
Talia didn't answer. . .in addition to not knowing what to say, not knowing what Shawn wanted to hear, she was also busy typing up her email to Howard. She had to be very careful with this. . .so she settled on, 'Howard, it's the Malloy matriarch. We're heading to L2 for a brief vacation. Dodging White Fang and Oz kinda wore us out, so if you don't hear from us for a while, you know why. We're still among the living. Take care, old friend.'
"Why are you tellin' him that we'll be on L2, if we don't want him t' encounter Zechs while we're there?" Shawn inquired. Talia didn't answer at first. She was accessing their housekeeper's email, to let her know that they would be arriving within the next few days. Shawn sighed, "And why are you emailin' Olga?"
"So all four rooms are made up. It's generally considered courteous to let our housekeeper know when we'll be arriving. I don't think Olga would ever forgive us if we appeared without telling her. It's simply not done, Shawn. And I want her to put the pictures away, the ones from when I was a teenager," Talia answered finally. She sat back and looked at Shawn, adding, "And I'm telling Howard that we'll be on L2 as a defensive ploy. If he knows ahead of time that we're on L2, it's less likely to come as a surprise if we encounter him. If he's on L2 at the same time as we are. . .well, you know Howard. He won't be able to surprise us. And if he does want to meet up, we can control the circumstances."
"In other words, meet him someplace while Zechs is restin' at home," Shawn observed and Talia nodded as she began typing her request to Olga in their native Russian. She eradicated her Russian accent from her speech, with help from Elene and the other Americans on L2, but she never forgot her language. Shawn continued, "Why don't you want Zechs t' see the pictures of you from when you were a teenager?"
"Because he might recognize me, and I'm not ready to answer his questions. Hell, I can't even answer all of your questions yet, much less his. I have to do this on my terms, Shawn. I've buried my past for almost fifteen years, all aspects of my past. And I have to excavate it on my terms, when I'm ready. My terms. Not yours. Not Zechs," Talia answered, folding her arms over her chest. She was fully prepared for an argument. . .they always argued about her past.
This time, however, Shawn didn't rise to the bait. He studied her face for several moments, then nodded. He murmured, "I understand. Well. According t' my calculations, we'll be at L2 in about thirty-six hours." Talia looked up from her email to Olga and smiled impishly. Shawn asked, drawing the word as he was wont to do when he was feeling mischievous, "Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?"
"You forget. I know you. One other thing. Zechs isn't ready for Howard to know he's alive. And Ciara is incapable of keeping something like this a secret. My suggestion. . .if Howard is on L2, and he does want to meet up, Ciara remains at the house with Zechs. He's still recovering, but I think he can handle anything she throws at him. Ciara's hormones are awakening, but she wouldn't do anything stupid," Talia said.
"Don't say things like that. Ciara's only twelve, just a little girl," Shawn answered, shuddering. Talia just chuckled and hit send. As she did, her inbox began blinking. It couldn't be. Not already. However, she double-clicked on the inbox, and sure enough, Howard already responded to her email.
"Tal and Shawn," she read aloud, interrupting her conversation with her husband, "I won't be on L2 for a while. They're still getting things cleaned up on earth, and I'll be busy for the next month. Would have loved to see you. . .got a lot to tell you. Understand about dodging Oz and White Fang. We all did that. Take care, Howard. PS. Tal, if Ciara was devastated by the final battle, tell her that someone who knows Zechs doesn't believe he's really dead."
"Well, that's one thin' we don't have t' worry about, athough now I feel like a shit for keepin' this from him," Shawn observed and Talia bobbed her head, sighing. She felt the same. Shawn continued, "That also means that we don't have t' leave Talia alone wi' Zechs." Talia raised her brows at him, and he continued, "Hey, I saw her kissing him earlier, and he wasn't exactly fighting her off!"
"Shawn, she took him by surprise! Zechs doesn't. . .he doesn't see himself as attractive. And for Ciara to have a crush on him, that's not something he understands. . .or knows how to handle. So, we'll be at the colony in another day?" Talia asked and Shawn nodded. The young woman said, "All right, then. We'll do this. Say, we'll stay two weeks. That should be enough time to get rid of our excess inventory and recharge our batteries. What then?"
"After we buy a new ship. . .preferably bigger, but one which isn't mammoth? I'm not sure. What were you thinking about, Tal? Going back t' earth? NOT a good idea," Shawn said and Talia glared at him. He raised both hands and said, "Just asking." Talia, remembering Zechs earlier, stuck her tongue out. Shawn's eyes widened, then he began laughing. Talia grinned impishly. He was sooo predictable sometimes.
"No," she said more seriously, "that's why I asked you. Because I have no ideas, either. So. . .take each day as it comes?" Shawn hesitated, then nodded. Neither of them particularly liked not having a plan, but that was, in part, what their vacation was for. A time when they could see what their options were.
. . .
"Zechs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wake up, Zechs, we're there, we're there, Daddy's docking the ship now and Mom says you gotta go see her!" Ciara squealed excitedly. Zechs moaned, rubbing his hand over his eyes as the girl bounded into his cabin. She was already dressed, her sandy hair hanging in a French braid down her back.
Slowly, the girl's words began to make sense to him. Docking. They reached the colony, a day sooner than Talia anticipated. //Then again,// he thought groggily as he sat up, //she said herself that Shawn likes to fly fast. Too bad I didn't know him a year ago. I would have liked to have served with him when we took over the Alliance.//
After a moment, he realized what he was thinking and blanched. However, he said none of what troubled him, and instead asked, "Your mother is in her cabin?" Ciara nodded and Zechs pushed himself out of bed, cringing from the pain in his side. He put his hand against the wall, steadying himself. Damn. Ciara left her position beside the door and walked to his side, putting a gentle arm around his waist to stabilize him.
"Yeah. She said she figured out a way to disguise you," Ciara explained, and now Zechs remembered his conversation with Talia a few days earlier. Ciara continued, "You need to get dressed first, Zechs. Daddy sent me in with some clothes. That's something else we need to do, is get you some new clothes. You're too tall to wear Daddy's clothes. Mom says we'll do that on our second day here."
"Oh you mean I can't go out in just a pair of shorts and a t-shirt?" Zechs teased and Ciara crossed her eyes at him. Zechs laughed, then grimaced in pain. Dammit, he would really have to stop doing that. Ciara giggled, and Zechs gave her a mock glare, asking, "Oh, you think that's funny, do you?" Ciara just giggled again.
"I know it is! You're funny, when you're not so serious all the time," the girl returned. Zechs just rolled his eyes and Ciara rocked up onto her heels, this time kissing his cheek. She said, "I gotta go help Daddy. Get dressed, Zechs. Mom says we're not leaving the shuttle until you're ready to go. And, she told me to give you a message. She says she's keeping her pinkie promise not to cut your hair." Ciara frowned, as if she didn't know what her mother meant.
Zechs never doubted that Talia would keep her promise. He nodded in acknowledgement, and Ciara grinned. The girl bounded from the room, and Zechs began dressing. He was wearing Shawn's clothes for the last few weeks when he left his cabin for whatever reason. Shawn was a bit shorter than he was, but the jeans were usually close enough for comfort.
Actually, Talia explained once, a lot of the clothes which they gave to Zechs until they could get proper attire, belonged to a friend of theirs who was killed in the Eve Wars. When Zechs asked his name, Talia refused to give it, or which side he fought on. Said it didn't matter. However, she did relent enough to tell him that he died before Zechs joined up with White Fang. Which, he believed, was supposed to make him feel better.
It was still strange, but it was only for a while. Always slender, Zechs lost weight as well as muscle tone since the final confrontation with Heero Yuy. Ciara told him once that his face was softer than it was while he was in the White Fang, and now he saw what she meant. With another grimace of pain, he moved from his cabin and walked down the corridor to Talia's. He gently knocked on the door, and she beckoned him to enter. She added as he slipped into the cabin, "I knew it would take you a few minutes to dress. How are your ribs?"
"They hurt, but I'll deal with it. What's this brilliant idea of yours?" Zechs asked and Talia motioned him to sit down beside her on her bed. He did as he was bid, and felt her take his hair in her hands. As she began her work. . .whatever she was doing. . .he looked around her room. There was none of her personality. It seemed. . .not cold. But distant. Impersonal. He asked, "What exactly are you doing?"
"When I first arrived on L2, almost fifteen years ago, I knew a woman who was a friend of Elene's. She was a hairstylist when she was on Earth, and she taught me a few tricks. I'm shortening your hair, without cutting it. I put one of my bands on the last two inches of your hair. Next, I'll braid that section, and put another band on it. And then, I'll. . . well, never mind. I'll explain once I'm finished. It's not complicated, just hard to explain," Talia answered.
With that said, the young woman started her work. Damn his hormones! Zechs took a deep breath, released it, closed his eyes. //Keep it together, Merquise,// he told himself. After about ten minutes, Talia said in shock, "I'll be damned. It actually worked! Here, take a look. I tucked the braid under and fastened it to the rest of your hair, adding a third band so it would hold." Zechs opened his eyes. He took the mirror she offered and blinked. She added, "As long as no one looks too closely, it should work. And to complete the disguise. . .here."
She took the mirror from him and placed a baseball cap on his head, tugging the bill low. To keep his own sanity, Zechs kept his eyes low. She smelled nice. Zechs almost laughed at himself. . .what was he doing, thinking about a woman's scent? He asked, as casually as he could under the circumstances, "Do you use scented shampooo?"
"Uh-huh. . .one of the few non-essentials I allow myself. Why? Did it smell like I was wearing lilac perfume? There. Mmm. I'm missing something, what is it?" Talia mumbled as she tumbled off her bed and rambled around the room. He couldn't understand what she was saying. . .he didn't think she was even speaking in a language which he understood. He thought he caught a word here and there, but. . .it made no sense.
Zechs said not a word, watching her roam. She was muttering under her breath, and Zechs didn't understand a word she was saying. He leaned back against the bed, now able to breathe. He didn't know why her proximity continued to affect him the way it did, but he was becoming rather annoyed with it. He was Zechs Merquise, or Milliardo Peacecraft, but either way, he didn't allow himself to have such strong feelings for a married woman.
At last, she straightened and turned to face him, sighing, "Okay, your current disguise will do. Try not to talk, Z. You have a very distinctive voice. I'm afraid it would give you away. It's night, so there shouldn't be many people in the area, but. . .just be careful." Zechs nodded, though he was never told that his voice was distinctive. The distracted woman added, "Okay. I gotta grab my bags, and I'll join you and the others in the cargo bay. Five minutes?"
"Of course," Zechs replied and pushed himself up from her bed. He stopped at the door, and turned. He asked, "Talia?" She turned to face him, almost falling on *her* face as she tried to put on the left shoe of her hiking boots. Zechs winced, but asked, "You've called me that twice now. Z. What. . .?"
"Z? Oh. Yeah. Uhm. . .well, it's just something I do sometimes. Call someone by their first initial, and I can't very well call you 'M' now can I? That's something out of a James Bond movie. And 'Z' is kinda....I don't know. . .it suits you somehow. Flyboy. Now go, so I can fall on my face without humiliating myself," Talia said.
Zechs grinned and left the room. Behind him, he could still hear her muttering under her breath. He didn't know what was about to happen, but he was certain things were about to get even more interesting. There were still some things which could surprise him. Not many. In his twenty years, he saw and experienced some incredible things. Some terrifying, some anguished. But he had the sense now that a whole new chapter of his life was about to begin.
. . .
The space port was almost empty. It took the Malloy family and Zechs less than twenty minutes to disembark, clear customs, and head for the house. The customs agent was half asleep, it seemed, and waved them through with a cursory look. Didn't even ask to see Zechs' ID, but he hadn't asked to see Ciara's, either.
By the time they were all in the van which Shawn requested when they contacted the space port, Ciara was nodding off, her head resting against Zechs' shoulder. Talia bit back a smile and turned her attention back to the road. Shawn was driving, but she often navigated for him. He was an excellent pilot, but get him behind the wheel of a car, and he could get lost in less than fifteen minutes. It was something she always teased him about. As had Elene.
Talia turned her thoughts away from the past. She received an email from Olga, stating that she gotten everything set up, as Talia requested. And, all of the old pictures were put away. Talia was grateful to the old Russian woman. Olga never let her down. And, she knew Talia's real name. The young woman sighed, remembering herself at sixteen. Slightly gawky, still growing into her body. A happy young girl, for the most part. Somewhat moody. The great sunshine of her life was her young brother. Petyr. She smiled faintly, remembering how he would run into the Great Hall of their manor, screaming, "Natasha, Natasha, you're home!"
Natasha, Natasha, Natasha. It didn't matter what he was doing or saying, Petyr could never be satisfied with saying her name just once. He was an exuberant little boy, a little ray of sunshine to everyone he knew. It was no wonder her parents never forgave her for allowing him to die. And he was such a contrast to the solemn little prince Milliardo. Talia laughed to herself, even as she fought back tears, as she remembered her brother's attempts at 'Milliardo.'
Queen Katerina stepped in, telling little Petyr that her special name for her first-born, her only son, was 'Julian.' His middle name. That was much easier for Petyr to say. And by the end of their second day in the Sank Kingdom, those in the palace heard Petyr shouting, 'Julian, Julian, Julian' almost as often as they heard him shouting, 'Natasha, Natasha, Natasha.' Natasha. A name she had not heard in thirteen years. Not since leaving Earth behind, and with it, a lifetime of sorrow. But you could never truly leave your ghosts behind. Ready or not, they used to call when they were children, ready or not, here I come. Such was the case with the past.
Really, with anyone's past. There was no going back. . .and no forgetting. Talia sighed. She was exhausted. That was the only possible reason for this line of thought. When she was tired, she got sentimental and syrupy. Yes, that had to be it. She was tired, that's why she was thinking like that. Even so, knowing its name, took away none of its power. None of Talia's fear.
She had a terrible feeling that by rescuing Zechs, she would find herself confronting her own past head on. Every ugly moment of the twenty- four hours when the Sank Kingdom came under attack. Every moment before she fled to space, away from the silent condemnation of her parents. She tried to turn away from it once again, whispering under her breath as they neared the house, "Rest in peace, violated and shattered Natasha Galinova." (1)
But she knew better. Her time of reckoning was coming. The time when all the secrets would be out in the open, the time when she would be forced to reconcile Natasha Galinova and Natalia Malloy. Talia looked over her shoulder into the backseat. Zechs was asleep, his cheek resting against Ciara's hair. The woman wondered if she would find that self- reconciliation as difficult as he had. Only time would tell.
1. . .this is a direct parallel to Zechs' comment in (I think) Portrait of a Shattered Kingdom, after he kills the Alliance officer responsible for the deaths of his parents.
Dreamweavr: Thank you. . .I'm glad to hear it. I especially am pleased that it is different. I don't like doing things which have been done repeatedly.
Mon: (laughs) That's the general idea. Most of the Zechs fans I've talked to over the last few years often wanted to shake him or smack him, even as they wanted to hug him and tell him that everything would be all right. And with the amount of encouragement I've received, I will post all the stories which are written.
Sabersonic: Absolutely, I will post the rest of the stories. If I recall, only two stories actually ended up being posted. . .or very few. I have a total of seven or eight.
Karina: I'll post the entire Resurrection Cycle, the stories that were written, as well as a few that don't exactly go anywhere. And who knows? Maybe I'll finally get around to writing those last few stories. I've been distracted by the other fandoms I've been working on.
Eyes of Mercy
It was a quiet Sunday afternoon, almost six weeks after the final battle between Epyon and Wing Zero. On earth, the Malloy family would have been in the living room of their home, the sunlight streaming in through bay windows. They probably would have just arrived home from Mass maybe an hour earlier, since Shawn was a Catholic. Shawn would have probably been reading the paper, muttering under his breath about whatever was going on during this time of armistice. Perhaps the delays in bringing the war criminals from the White Fang to justice. Ciara would have been lying on the floor, giggling at the comics.
Talia didn't know where she would have been. And in the end, it didn't matter, since they weren't on earth. So, she was itemizing each piece they stripped from Epyon when they rescued Zechs Merquise six weeks earlier. In a few days, they would reach L2, where they often traded. At the least, they would be able to buy a better vessel. And at most. . .well, who knew? Talia sighed, swiping her dark curls back from her face. //I need to get this cut properly this time,// she thought, //instead of doing it myself. Put it on the list of things to do while we're at the colony, along with getting Ciara some new clothes.//
Ciara was with Zechs. He made steady improvement during the last six weeks. It wasn't his physical health which concerned Talia, but his emotional and mental. There was still a terrible sadness in his eyes. Ciara was the perfect antidote to Zechs' bouts with melancholy. He still hadn't accepted the second chance at life he received. But he wasn't trying to kill himself, either. Directly, or indirectly. He was eating, and sleeping, exercising. He lost some muscle tone with the weeks he spent in bed after the explosion of the Libra.
She still heard him say that he caused the self-destruction, rather than allow Heero Yuy to do it, because the younger pilot was more pure than he was. Yeah. Right. As if. Purity had nothing to do with survival, as she well knew from her own life experience. If purity of heart, purity of soul, purity of body, had anything to do with survival, she would have died a long time ago. And Petyr would still be alive. He was pure when he died. Just a child.
Still, any kind of progress was a good thing. He was still insisting that his sister and Lucrezia Noin were better off without him. Foolish, foolish boy. It took little on Talia's part to realize how Zechs felt about the girl Lucrezia, to realize that he loved her deeply. She was nearby, piloting the MS which broadcast the battle between Epyon and Wing Zero. Talia was sure Lucrezia loved Zechs as well. It made her a little sad.
They loved each other. They belonged together. Oh, they were both still young, but Talia also knew how little that meant. When you were young, you believed you could live forever. That you were invincible. Zechs no longer believed that, after escaping death twice. He was strong. . .but he wasn't immortal.
Thinking of the pair drew Talia's mind to her own marriage. It was always platonic, and until recently, it never occurred to her to want something more. Things just. . .were. She knew Shawn only married her to give Ciara a mother figure. She was so young when Elene died. And Shawn's personal code demanded that he marry Talia, to protect her reputation. Never mind that it was just the three of them. That was just how Shawn was.
But he didn't love her. Not like that. Oh, she knew he loved her, but it was more like Zechs' love for his sister Relena. Or her own love for Petyr. Shawn loved Elene, would always love Elene. And until the last several months, that was all right with Talia. She was happy with her life, she had Ciara, and she and Shawn were good friends. The very best of friends. What else would she want?
She remembered her parents' passionless marriage. There were times, once Talia's teenaged libido awakened, when the girl wondered how her parents produced one child, much less two. She knew from random remarks her mother made that theirs was an arranged marriage. She also knew that her mother envied Katerina Peacecraft for her love match. So, this platonic marriage, this marriage of convenience, seemed normal to her. The first time she had any inkling that things could be different came from Raoul and Katerina Peacecraft, as short-lived as that example was. Then Shawn and Elene. But that was different. That was for other people. Not someone like her. Someone damaged.
Talia didn't know what changed her mind, what changed her during the last six months. Perhaps it was her discovery that she was approaching thirty. That she was married to a man who didn't desire her. A discovery that bothered her for the first time since the first year of their marriage. She was so young when they married, had unrealistic expectations. The first time she tried to touch Shawn, tried to be his wife, quickly reminded her that he only married her to protect her reputation and provide Ciara with a mother figure. Talia cringed, even now. But she dealt with the mortification, and taught herself to accept the status quo.
Until recently. And yes, it began about six months earlier. But it became even worse during the last six weeks. Now, Shawn was no longer the only man aboard their ship. Oh, yes, Zechs was a twenty year old boy, ten years younger than she was. But he was handsome, and gentle, and vulnerable. And the way he looked at Talia when he thought no one was looking took her breath away. Passion and tenderness collided in looks such as those.
No one ever looked at Talia like that before. And she never let on that she saw Zechs looking at her like that. It would have mortified him. She knew he would have considered it less than honorable. She was the wife of another, the wife of a man who helped to save his life. No, that couldn't be permitted. Especially given the intensity of his feelings for Lucrezia, made all the more intense by his denial of those feelings.
Be that as it may. At the age of thirty, Talia Malloy found herself coming alive. Feeling things she hadn't felt in almost fifteen years. It was becoming more and more difficult for her to accept her place in Shawn's life. To not want more. With a muffled curse, Talia forced herself to get back to work. This was insane. Just insane.
"I have more than I deserve," she muttered to herself, remembering a smoky, blood-drenched day in the Sank Kingdom, "I'm alive, I'm married to a man who cares about and respects me. I have Ciara. What the hell am I thinking, reacting this way to that boy? He's just a child! I'm losing my mind."
However, Talia knew she was being unjust to Zechs. He wasn't a child at all. He was very young, and in some ways, he was still growing up. But his childhood ended when hers did, on the same day her brother's very life ended. Which didn't ease the ache she felt, deep inside. How could she fight these feelings? She never felt that kind of a gaze on her, even though she knew Zechs was just grateful to her for saving his life. That was all it could be, she told herself now, as gloriously handsome as he was, how could he look at someone like her twice?
She was no one special. Just the woman who helped to save his life. And, she was damaged goods. Zechs was just a boy, and Shawn was a good man. They both deserved better. Shawn deserved another woman like Elene, and Zechs deserved his Lucrezia. Period.
. . .
"I dunno, do you want to go with us? To the colony, I mean. Mom told me that she'd take me shopping for new clothes while Daddy is selling the salvage pieces," Ciara chattered. Zechs smiled, looking at his young companion. She was so excited. Zechs couldn't remember the last time he felt that kind of excitement. For that matter, he couldn't even remember being this. . .innocent when he was twelve years old. He didn't know anyone this innocent when he was Ciara's age. She seemed so very old and so very young to him at the same time.
No, he could remember no such excitement. If he did have such a memory, it was buried under the years of pain and guilt and self-loathing. Zechs shook his head, knowing that he was in danger of self-destructing. No way to pay back the Malloy family's generosity. Ciara continued, "Mom says she's gonna get her hair cut, maybe after we get some new clothes for me. Dad's gonna sell the parts from the Epyon. I wish you were awake when they blew up the rest of Epyon. It was pretty cool."
She stopped, staring at him suddenly, then asked, "Are you all right, Zechs? I know I'm rattling on, but you haven't said much ever since you woke up. Are you feeling all right?" Zechs just smiled at the girl and leaned his head back. He wondered if Relena was like this when she was twelve years old. Yes, she was Ciara's age when he rescued her from the abduction attempt, but. . .that had been a brief moment.
"I'm fine," he answered, "Just have little to say. Thinking a lot. But I've been listening." Ciara just stared at him sadly, and Zechs asked, "Now what's bothering you, Miss Ciara? I promised your father and mother than I wouldn't try to. . .do anything that would negate the risks you've taken on my behalf."
Ciara scowled at him and replied, "You mean you promised Dad that you wouldn't try to kill yourself, that you would make yourself strong again. You didn't say anything about being sad. You're sad all the time, Zechs, and Mom says it's not good. She says that being sad makes you more. . .more. . .well, it makes it harder for you to get well."
"I'm not sad when I'm with you, Ciara," Zechs answered, reaching over to take her hand and giving it a gentle squeeze. It was true, too. He felt. . .lighter when he was spending time with Ciara. And then there was the guilt factor as well. When she felt that he was sad, it made Ciara sad as well. And he didn't want to cause this beautiful child any more pain.
Ciara beamed, her smile seeming to further brighten the room. She returned the pressure on his hand, saying, "Good. I'm glad about that. Mom said that I could help you get better, but I didn't believe her. Well, yeah, I got out the med-kit when we brought you aboard, and I helped to get the med-cabin set up, but Mom's done all the work." Zechs bit down on his lower lip. He hadn't had much experience with girls like Ciara, but his instincts told him not to laugh at her observation. The girl continued curiously, "Zechs, how come you chose that name? Mom told me that your real, full name is Milliardo Julian Peacecraft."
Zechs cringed a little at the girl's pronouncement of his full name. He wondered for the umpteenth time why his parents named him 'Milliardo.' However, it wasn't important now. He replied, "Because I knew my father wouldn't approve of the path I believed was necessary after he and my mother were killed. I had to avenge him, and my mother, and everything that was destroyed when the Sank Kingdom fell. I had to become a soldier, or so I believed. I knew how my father felt about war. So, in order to protect the Peacecraft name, I took the name 'Zechs Merquise,' and started a new life for myself."
"I understand that," Ciara said impatiently, with what Talia called her patented 'well, duh' look. Zechs bit his lip even harder and Ciara went on, "Mom told me all that, but I still think it's silly. You're still you, you're still the son of Raoul and Katerina Peacecraft, no matter which name you use. But what I mean is, why did you chose 'Zechs Merquise' for your new name? Mom says that 'Merquise' is really close to 'Marquise,' which is sort of your other title." Zechs stared at the girl in amazement.
He knew Talia spent time in the Sank Kingdom, knew his family. He still didn't know how she knew about them, but she did. And obviously, she shared a large portion of her knowledge with her step-daughter. However, he replied, "And how does your mother explain my choice of given names?"
"WELL, according to Mom, 'sechs' is the German word for 'six,' which is how old you were when the Sank Kingdom was attacked. But that doesn't make sense, 'cause the Sank Kingdom was. . .isn't, I mean, isn't in Germany. So. . .why?" Ciara asked. Zechs didn't know how to react. Was there something about him which Talia didn't know, or hadn't guessed? //Never mind,// he thought, //I don't want to know.//
He replied slowly, "Well, your mother is right. And I chose 'Zechs,' because as a child I learned to speak German." There were other, more involved reasons. Reasons which would invoke Treize Khushrenada, but Zechs didn't want to bring him into the conversation. Didn't want that shadow to fall across this innocent girl. Ciara drew in a breath, as if to ask another question, but the door slid open.
"Ciara, I need you t' do me a favor, acushla. Sorry, Zechs, but I need t' borrow my daughter for a few hours," Shawn said, entering the med- cabin. He leaned against the wall, smiling at them both. Ciara closed her mouth with a snap, and glanced at Zechs with a long-suffering sigh. Zechs bit back a laugh, and smiled at her sympathetically instead, and Shawn continued, his eyes twinkling with amusement, "You can finish this later. . .c'mon, m'girl!"
The youngster rose to her feet and sighed, "I'll be back later, Zechs. Be good." Zechs nodded. . .and was thoroughly shocked when Ciara leaned over and kissed him rather daringly on the lips. The young man stared at her in shock, as the immensely-pleased girl bounded from the room. The shock turned to embarrassment, and Zechs felt himself blushing rather fiercely.
Too fiercely to speak. Shawn just looked at him and said, "She did the kissin,' I saw. Just make sure that you don't reciprocate." He didn't say anything more. He didn't need to. Shawn left without another word, and Zechs sank back against his pillows. //Oooh boy. Now just how,// he wondered, //do I deal with this?//
. . .
Ciara was feeling very pleased with herself as she bounded out of the cabin, and she wasn't even concerned about how her father would react to her kissing Zechs. He wouldn't blame Zechs, she knew that. So, she concentrated on other things. Like, her feelings for him. Over the last few weeks, as Zechs regained his strength, she noticed him making more of an effort when she was around. Trying not to be sad. Ciara was glad about that. She didn't want him to be sad, didn't want him to believe that he wasn't worth saving.
It seemed to Ciara that she always knew about Zechs Merquise. Neither of her parents ever supported Oz, or the Alliance. In fact, those two organizations prevented the family from returning to Earth recently. Daddy muttered darkly about tyranny taking different names, but wearing the same face.
Five years earlier, when Ciara was seven, she heard the name Zechs Merquise for the first time. Mom was listening to the feeds from Earth, frowning thoughtfully. Daddy wasn't silent, denouncing the Specials, particularly their twenty year old leader Treize Khushrenada. Ciara couldn't remember why her father hadn't liked the young colonel. . .just that he didn't.
A dislike which continued to the end of the general's life a few weeks earlier, even though General Khrushrenada was leading the force to protect the Earth. While Ciara thought White Fang was dumb for saying the Earth was to blame for everything, she was nonetheless fascinated with Zechs. . .or Milliardo.
It was a confusing time for Ciara, who saw things as black and white. She asked her mother who was right, and who was wrong. Were the colonies evil, or was Earth? Her mother sighed sadly, answering, "Neither, Ciara Rose. They just have different ideas about what should be done to ensure lasting peace. White Fang doesn't even represent all of the colonies. Oh, the colonies want to be left in peace, but they don't accept White Fang as their savior."
"And the Earth? I know Queen Relena is Commander Peacecraft's sister. Is she wrong? Does everyone on Earth feel as she does?" Ciara asked. There was a brief moment of pain in her mother's eyes, which Ciara hadn't understood at the time. Now, she did. Now, she knew that her mother knew both Commander Peacecraft and his sister when they were children. But until their rescue of Zechs, Mom never talked about her past, about her life on Earth.
"No, baby, they don't. That's part of what caused this. It's a long story, but there are always two sides to a story. I can't tell you why Commander Peacecraft joined up with White Fang. I can tell you what Howard thinks of him," her mother replied. Howard was one of the creators of the gundams, and a long-time associate of Ciara's parents.
There was another feed then, interrupting the conversation, the feed of the battle between Heero Yuy and Zechs Merquise/Milliardo Peacecraft. A battle which was transmitted through the efforts of another pilot. And Ciara's mother fell silent, her eyes glued to the screen. Ciara's own attention was divided between the battle and her mother's face. She looked worried. No. She looked frightened.
Her mother wasn't the only one who was frightened. Ever since their rescue of Zechs, Ciara's world was turned upside down, and inside out. Everything she ever believed was called into question. The only thing she knew for certain, aside from her parents' love for her, was that she was falling in love with Zechs Merquise.
. . .
Monotonous work had its pluses, and its minuses. In the minus category, it gave a person entirely too much time to think. In the plus category, it also gave that person time to refocus. That was why Talia chose not to hurry over her work. There was plenty of time until they reached the colony. And she needed all of that time.
After she itemized the spare parts and re-worked the inventory accordingly, Talia stopped long enough in her cabin to wash up, making a mental note to remind Shawn about dumping the tanks. And to send an email to Howard, to make sure her old friend wasn't on the colony when they arrived. She didn't think any of them could handle the fall-out from a possible encounter between Howard and Zechs.
When she felt human again, she continued to Zechs' cabin. He improved during the last few weeks. While Talia saw to his physical health, Ciara saw to his emotional and mental. Talia thought it was too bad they didn't have a priest aboard, then she remembered the last time she encountered a priest, and decided they could do without.
Talia found Zechs sitting up in bed and reading, a slight grimace giving away the way his ribs still pained him. No surprise there. After the way he was tossed around in Epyon after the explosion, Talia was sure his ribs would be healing for some time to come. His internal injuries were healing as well as could be expected, since he was picked up by a salvage vessel instead of a medical transport.
"I hear my daughter kissed you before she left to help Shawn," Talia said softly. Zechs looked up, frowning, and Talia sat down in her customary chair, adding, "I knew it was just a matter of time before she did something like that. She's had a crush on you for years." Zechs blinked, obviously surprised, and Talia tried not to laugh at his reaction.
The desire to laugh vanished as Zechs worried, "How do I react to this, Talia? I don't want to break her heart, but she's only twelve years old. She's younger than my sister, I think of her as a little sister. Get me a mobile doll to blast, and I'm fine. I have no idea how to treat a girl who has a crush on me!" Something which really shouldn't have surprised Talia, but for some reason, it did.
//And reacting to her, as you would react to Lucrezia, is not an option, is it?// Talia thought. She said softly, "Zechs, I know you don't want to encourage her. . .and I know you don't want to ignore her. Finding a middle ground has never been easy for you, has it? You were intense even as a little boy."
Zechs opened his mouth, obviously to ask her about that, and Talia continued, "Here's what I suggest. Treat her as you would Relena, or would have treated Relena if you were given an honest chance to be her older brother. Oh, she won't be happy about being viewed as a little sister. But Zechs, the alternatives are far worse. And no matter what happens, Ciara will be hurt. There's nothing you can do about that. The only thing you can do is let her down gently."
"Oh, I'm very good at letting people down, at disappointing them. I've been doing it my entire life," Zechs said bitterly. Talia kept her hand at her side, though it itched to slap him hard across the face. It wouldn't do any good. The young man closed his eyes, muttering, "I don't know how to do this gently! I've been given a chance to stop hurting people, and the first test that comes along. . ."
"Is an impossible one, Zechs. I told you. There is nothing you can do that won't hurt Ciara in some way or another. That is not your responsibility. Your responsibility is the way you hurt her. You have one of three choices. You can encourage her, and set her up to have her heart shattered into a thousand pieces. You can ignore her, and behave like a total jerk. Or you can be her friend, her older brother," Talia replied, "and honestly, the third is the kindest, the most honest."
She smiled faintly and continued, "But honesty has never been a problem for you, has it? Oh, sure, you concealed your identity behind that damn mask. And you pretended to be part of the Alliance, when you were really planning its takeover. You're still an essentially honest person, in spite of both those deceptions. You know, I was so angry with you, Zechs, when you were unveiled, so to speak, as the new leader of the White Fang. I heard. . .murmurings. . .the last time I was on one of the colonies, and what I heard about Quinze Barton frightened me. So, when I realized you joined up with him after the Sank Kingdom fell again. . .I knew everyone was in trouble."
She paused, leaned forward almost confidentially, and continued, "I was so angry with you, Zechs. I couldn't understand what had happened to you, what could have possibly hurt you so badly that you would do such a thing. And I wondered if there was anything that could save you. There was. I realized that after Treize Khushrenada challenged to that duel, remember? And how you answered?"
She could see from his expression that he did remember, and Talia went on, "It was then that you began to redeem yourself to me, Zechs. As foolish as it may sound, it was then that I began to believe that the sweet prince whom I remembered from the Sank Kingdom might still exist under all the anger and bitterness. That was when I knew you could be saved. Because you knew that such a duel was folly."
"But. . ." Zechs began, and Talia shook her head. No. She wasn't finished yet. She categorized and labeled the parts from Epyon for several hours, and she thought a great deal about that day. It was really the first time she had a chance to think since their rescue. First time she had a chance to sort through her reaction to the battles and tragedies of the day.
"That's not all, Zechs. We watched all of the feeds about the battle. I downloaded the communications from Epyon. You tried to kill Treize Khushrenada, would have killed him if Lady Une hadn't arrived to protect him. Would have, could have. . .but you didn't. No matter what we feel about Treize Khushrenada, especially Shawn, I will always be grateful to Lady Une for saving his life. In doing so, she helped to save your soul," Talia replied in a soft voice.
She paused, touched his cheek gently, and added, "And. . .I've been talking with Howard." The blue eyes flew back to her face, and Talia said, "No, he doesn't know you're still alive. He's not real good at lying, and he'd want to tell your sister and Lucrezia Noin. We've known Howard for years. He's a good man."
"I betrayed him, too," Zechs said in a hollow voice, "he was my friend. He took care of me, and I betrayed him." Talia looked at him sadly. This was something that he would have to work through on his own. But there was one bit of comfort which she could offer him, comfort which she found in her conversation with Howard.
"Yes, you did. But I think Howard can forgive you. Once you tell him everything. Once you apologize. Once you explain what happened to the serious, but fair young man he knew," Talia said gently. She paused, then continued, "You never stopped being the Lightning Count, Zechs. In your own twisted way, you were still trying to bring about justice. You just went about it the wrong way."
"I'm not ready to face him, Talia. I'm too weak," he said softly. She knew he was talking about physical and emotional weakness. But he was right. He wasn't ready. However, at least he was thinking about Howard, as well as his sister and Lucrezia Noin. And, he was more willing to speak with Howard. That boded well for a future meeting with his sister and her bodyguard. Zechs was silent for several moments, then he asked, "What of you? Do you still have family on Earth?"
She understood what he was asking. But she answed the question which was directly asked, saying, "I haven't seen my family in almost fifteen years. I don't know if they're alive or dead. If they're in the same place, I'm sure they're alive. If not. . .who knows." Zechs looked away, and Talia sighed.
"But I forgive you, Zechs. I forgive you for what you did, for firing the cannon at Earth. And I forgive you for what you would have done, for what you could have done. Would have, could have. In the end, you saved Earth. You helped to take out the Libra before it hit the earth. That's what counts. Not would have, could have. What you actually did," she told him in a quiet voice.
"It can't be that easy. Not after everything I did wrong. Everything I touched somehow went bad. And shouldn't Ciara be angry with me, too? Why doesn't she care that I tried to destroy the earth?" Zechs murmured, shaking his head. Talia sighed again. She would need time to break through his belief that he was bad. In some ways, he was still the six year old child she remembered.
//That's not fair, though,// she thought, //after King Raoul and Queen Katerina died, who taught him about forgiveness and second chances? Who loved him?// There was only one person, whom she knew of, and not even Lucrezia Noin could have taught him about forgiveness. She was the same age he was, and he needed that lesson from someone older and wiser, preferably a parent.
Talia was ten years older than Zechs. . .not old enough to be his mother. But she was old enough to be viewed as a much older sister. //Petyr,// she thought again, //this is for you, my sweet little brother. This is for you.// Then Talia turned her attention back to the present and said softly, "If it isn't that easy, Z, it's not forgiveness. Forgiveness can't be bought or sold with the cost of one's blood. It's freely given."
Zechs looked up, startled by her observation. . .and the nickname. Talia smiled at him faintly, then continued, "Yes, you earn trust. But that's separate. And peace, true peace, must be attained. But forgiveness is given. Like love. I've given you my forgiveness. That's a start, isn't it? At the very least, it's a place to start."
He looked at her, smiled weakly, then nodded. It was a beginning. Talia continued, "You asked why Ciara isn't angry with you. I won't say she was happy about the events of the Eve War. She was confused. She. . .there's nothing that ties her to the earth. Her mother is dead, everything she's ever known has been in outer space. Shawn's parents are dead, as are Elene's. When you threatened the earth, it simply didn't mean anything to her."
She could tell from Zechs' expression that it never occurred to him. But as he considered what she told him, Talia saw comprehension dawning in his pale blue eyes. She went on, changing the subject, "I want you to think about something else. We'll reach the colony in a few days. Shawn flies faster than he lets on. I let him think that I don't notice, but I do. I want you to leave the ship with us."
Zechs started to protest, but Talia continued, "I want you to think about coming with us. Not as Zechs Merquise, or as Milliardo Peacecraft. Shawn and I have been talking about this. You'll have a disguise of some kind. But you need to get off this ship for a little while. You must be getting restless."
He was, she could see it in his eyes. He didn't want to admit it, even to himself, but now that she said the words, he didn't have to hide any more. He said softly, "I am. I didn't want you to think I was ungrateful. I know what you and Shawn have risked by saving me, by taking care of me." Talia nodded. She had a feeling he would say that. That was why she brought it up. Further, Talia sensed she would often need to initiate these. . .projects.
For now, she just squeezed his hand gently and replied, "It isn't a lack of gratitude. I know how boring it can get. Now. I've been thinking about this, and the first thing we have to do is figure out a way to change your hair. Now don't look at me like that, I wasn't gonna suggest cutting it. But. . .something has to be done. And I've already suggested to Shawn that we call you 'Zach' in public. It's close enough to your name, so you remember it easily."
"And it's different enough not to raise any suspicions," Zechs concluded and Talia bobbed her head. Exactly. Zechs was silent for several moments, then asked, "You promise not to cut my hair? Strange as it may sound, I like it the way it is." He sounded like a five year old, trying to ascertain if an adult was being honest with him.
Talia struggled against a smile, aware that she was treating him as if he was Ciara's age, and said, "Pinky promise, Julian." Again, he opened his mouth, presumably to ask about her connection to the Sank Kingdom, but she smiled and said, "All in the fullness of time, my dear Zechs, all in the fullness of time. In the meantime, get some rest. We'll be running you around on the colony, and you'll need your energy for that."
She knew that Zechs was improving. Day by day, she saw more and more signs of life from the young man. A smile that lasted a few seconds longer, a question he would ask Shawn. His shy request earlier that week to eat dinner with them. Small things, which meant nothing and everything at the same time. But until she teasingly told him to get some rest, she hadn't realized how far he came. The usually serious young man responded to her dig by sticking his tongue out at her. Talia gaped, then burst out laughing. Zechs blushed, but grinned, looking almost pleased with himself. Talia patted his shoulder and said, "We'll make a regular person out of you yet, Peacecraft, just you wait!" She leaned over and kissed the top of his head.
He smiled shyly up at her, his eyes dropping briefly to her chest, before returning to her eyes. Talia didn't let on that she saw the motion of his eyes. Besides. She was flattered. Just because she didn't have anything there for him to see, at least he looked. //Oh gods, Natasha,// she groaned to herself, //get your mind out of the gutter!// But she smiled brightly and left the room, still chuckling at his unexpected response. Once she was outside once more, she took a deep breath. This was not gonna work. Either she got herself under control, or she took a long, cold shower. The latter was a distinct possibility.
She pushed herself off the wall, trying to itemize all the things she had to do before they reached the colony the following day. Unfortunately, she didn't have time to email the appropriate people about opening the house for them, so Talia focused her attention on that, instead. Years earlier, to give Ciara some sense of stability, Shawn bought a house on L2. It was the American colony, and it was his hope that it would give his daughter a sense of her mother. Elene, that is, not Talia. They often returned to their house, a little cottage with four rooms. Perfect. Zechs would have his own room.
Talia laughed at herself. Her smile died as she thought about the pictures which were strewn about the house, pictures of herself when she was still a teenager. As yet, Zechs hadn't recognized her, but she had a feeling he would once he saw those pictures. //I'll just have to take care of that first thing,// Talia resolved. She had her mission now, her focus.
. . .
//You have got to get yourself under control, Merquise,// Zechs berated himself, //Talia didn't notice this time, but it's only a matter of time.// His face burned. He still couldn't believe he did something so. . .crass as to look at a woman's breasts! He wasn't a child, for heaven's sake, he knew about the relations between men and women. Or men and men. Or. . .ENOUGH!
He flopped back against the pillows, for once not caring about the pain which would result from the careless action. In fact, he welcomed the pain, it would take his mind off. . .other pain. To say nothing of his mortification. Talia was a married woman, for heaven's sake! Married, with a young daughter. . .all right, so Ciara wasn't actually her child. The point was, she was a married woman, married to the man who pulled his sorry ass out of space, and Zechs wouldn't be so callous of that.
He sighed, closing his eyes. He wasn't even sure when it began. Oh, he noticed Talia right away. While she didn't have the heart-stopping beauty of Lucrezia Noin (//Noin,// he thought wistfully), or the childish loveliness of his sister, Talia had something else. He couldn't define it. Couldn't put a name to it.
It was a combination of vulnerability, strength, wisdom and innocence. Or. . .not even innocence. Her eyes told him that she saw things not even he did. But in spite of whatever she endured, she never allowed it to break her spirit. She could still laugh, could still behave like a young girl if the circumstances allowed. She was compassionate, but she could be tough on him when she chose. Talia seemed determined to make him understand that he couldn't assume all of the blame for the last war. //Why not,// he asked her about a week earlier, //when I'm the one who declared war on earth? I'm the one who was prepared to destroy it.//
//True,// she answered, //but you didn't create the situation. You didn't create the climate. That blame can be spread around. Oz, Romefeller, White Fang, your sister.// Zechs started to protest, that none of this was Relena's fault, but Talia stared at him with those dark hazel eyes which seemed to see through to his very soul and said, //She let Romefeller have your country without much of a fight. That's why you went to White Fang, wasn't it?//
//I made the decision to join White Fang. . .no one else, Talia,// Zechs countered. He felt his blood rising. And then she smiled at him, as if he just won her argument for her, and he realized that she was trying to aggravate him on purpose. He sighed and Talia's smile broadened. Damn the woman. She was going to get him into a full-fledged argument yet, and she would probably love every second of it. She was bringing him back to life in spite of himself. What was worse, Zechs realized that he wasn't ready to die yet.
//I know that,// she answered, //but I made my point. I can goad you, Zechs, and you don't even realize it. You're still fighting, whether you admit it or not. You're still fighting, and you want to live. Now. I meant what I said. There's plenty of blame to go around. You have broad shoulders, true, but you aren't Atlas.//
Zechs smiled ruefully at the reference to the ancient Greek legend, the man who held Earth on his shoulders. Talia continued, //Just like the fall of the Sank Kingdom. The first time, I mean. There was plenty of blame to go around.// Zechs started to protest, and Talia looked at him sadly, adding, //I know a bit more about it than you do, Zechs. I was sixteen. You were six.//
And unfortunately, remembering their arguments did little to cool his blood. If anything, it stirred his libido further. He remembered his debates with Noin at Lake Victoria, when they were still cadets. //Noin would like Talia,// he thought, then shook his head. No. He wouldn't think like that. He missed Noin keenly, and his groin felt tight enough as it was. Thinking about his long-time friend would make matters worse.
Unfortunately, that turned his mind right back to Talia. Yes, she was tough and compassionate. Silly and sassy. And whether Zechs wanted to admit to himself or not, he was a twenty year old male. With his second brush with death, his hormones seemed to have awakened, and Talia was the only viable female on board. Ciara. . .ah, no. She was younger than Relena, and Zechs had his share of faults. Child molesting wasn't among them.
He thought of Alicia Remington, the little girl aboard the Libra who was raped by a member of White Fang. Zechs hoped she was all right. He entrusted her to Noin's care, and Lucrezia Noin never let him down before. Another way Noin and Talia were alike. They were both so stable. Zechs groaned as his hormones kicked into high gear. Not again! Not this again!
//I think,// he decided, purposely moving to jar his ribs, //that I really need to go with them when they reach the colony. Maybe being among other people will make things better.// That eased the tightness in his groin somewhat, and he slipped into a position that wasn't as painful. He sighed and closed his eyes. Maybe now he could get some rest.
. . .
"You know he's startin' t' develop a crush on you," Shawn said as Talia joined him in the cockpit. The bridge. Whatever the hell you wanted to call it. Talia raised an eyebrow and Shawn continued, "Zechs. Bit of a mess. Ciara has had a crush on him for years, he's developin' a crush on you. Could be trouble."
"He's grateful to me, that's all. I'm ten years older than he is, Shawn," Talia answered, walking to the console. She sat down in front of their communications computer and logged in, then asked, "What is Howard's email on Earth? The Peacemillion was destroyed, and I can't remember if he has an account on L2."
"Check my address book. . .you know I don't have a good memory for those things," Shawn advised and Talia nodded, connecting her account to Shawn's address book. He continued, "And you could pass for twenty-five. . .hell, you could pass for twenty-one at a distance. Don't try t' tell me that he's just grateful t' you. A man knows when another man has the hots for a woman."
He was looking at her intently, his blue-gray eyes never leaving her face. Talia had the sense that Shawn wanted her to react in some way. But. . .she didn't know exactly what he wanted from her. And why it seemed so important to him. Their marriage was in name only, he was happy with that, he always wanted it like that. He couldn't possibly be jealous? Not that Talia would have broken her vows, but that wasn't the point. Why was Shawn so interested in her reaction to Zechs?
Talia didn't answer. . .in addition to not knowing what to say, not knowing what Shawn wanted to hear, she was also busy typing up her email to Howard. She had to be very careful with this. . .so she settled on, 'Howard, it's the Malloy matriarch. We're heading to L2 for a brief vacation. Dodging White Fang and Oz kinda wore us out, so if you don't hear from us for a while, you know why. We're still among the living. Take care, old friend.'
"Why are you tellin' him that we'll be on L2, if we don't want him t' encounter Zechs while we're there?" Shawn inquired. Talia didn't answer at first. She was accessing their housekeeper's email, to let her know that they would be arriving within the next few days. Shawn sighed, "And why are you emailin' Olga?"
"So all four rooms are made up. It's generally considered courteous to let our housekeeper know when we'll be arriving. I don't think Olga would ever forgive us if we appeared without telling her. It's simply not done, Shawn. And I want her to put the pictures away, the ones from when I was a teenager," Talia answered finally. She sat back and looked at Shawn, adding, "And I'm telling Howard that we'll be on L2 as a defensive ploy. If he knows ahead of time that we're on L2, it's less likely to come as a surprise if we encounter him. If he's on L2 at the same time as we are. . .well, you know Howard. He won't be able to surprise us. And if he does want to meet up, we can control the circumstances."
"In other words, meet him someplace while Zechs is restin' at home," Shawn observed and Talia nodded as she began typing her request to Olga in their native Russian. She eradicated her Russian accent from her speech, with help from Elene and the other Americans on L2, but she never forgot her language. Shawn continued, "Why don't you want Zechs t' see the pictures of you from when you were a teenager?"
"Because he might recognize me, and I'm not ready to answer his questions. Hell, I can't even answer all of your questions yet, much less his. I have to do this on my terms, Shawn. I've buried my past for almost fifteen years, all aspects of my past. And I have to excavate it on my terms, when I'm ready. My terms. Not yours. Not Zechs," Talia answered, folding her arms over her chest. She was fully prepared for an argument. . .they always argued about her past.
This time, however, Shawn didn't rise to the bait. He studied her face for several moments, then nodded. He murmured, "I understand. Well. According t' my calculations, we'll be at L2 in about thirty-six hours." Talia looked up from her email to Olga and smiled impishly. Shawn asked, drawing the word as he was wont to do when he was feeling mischievous, "Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?"
"You forget. I know you. One other thing. Zechs isn't ready for Howard to know he's alive. And Ciara is incapable of keeping something like this a secret. My suggestion. . .if Howard is on L2, and he does want to meet up, Ciara remains at the house with Zechs. He's still recovering, but I think he can handle anything she throws at him. Ciara's hormones are awakening, but she wouldn't do anything stupid," Talia said.
"Don't say things like that. Ciara's only twelve, just a little girl," Shawn answered, shuddering. Talia just chuckled and hit send. As she did, her inbox began blinking. It couldn't be. Not already. However, she double-clicked on the inbox, and sure enough, Howard already responded to her email.
"Tal and Shawn," she read aloud, interrupting her conversation with her husband, "I won't be on L2 for a while. They're still getting things cleaned up on earth, and I'll be busy for the next month. Would have loved to see you. . .got a lot to tell you. Understand about dodging Oz and White Fang. We all did that. Take care, Howard. PS. Tal, if Ciara was devastated by the final battle, tell her that someone who knows Zechs doesn't believe he's really dead."
"Well, that's one thin' we don't have t' worry about, athough now I feel like a shit for keepin' this from him," Shawn observed and Talia bobbed her head, sighing. She felt the same. Shawn continued, "That also means that we don't have t' leave Talia alone wi' Zechs." Talia raised her brows at him, and he continued, "Hey, I saw her kissing him earlier, and he wasn't exactly fighting her off!"
"Shawn, she took him by surprise! Zechs doesn't. . .he doesn't see himself as attractive. And for Ciara to have a crush on him, that's not something he understands. . .or knows how to handle. So, we'll be at the colony in another day?" Talia asked and Shawn nodded. The young woman said, "All right, then. We'll do this. Say, we'll stay two weeks. That should be enough time to get rid of our excess inventory and recharge our batteries. What then?"
"After we buy a new ship. . .preferably bigger, but one which isn't mammoth? I'm not sure. What were you thinking about, Tal? Going back t' earth? NOT a good idea," Shawn said and Talia glared at him. He raised both hands and said, "Just asking." Talia, remembering Zechs earlier, stuck her tongue out. Shawn's eyes widened, then he began laughing. Talia grinned impishly. He was sooo predictable sometimes.
"No," she said more seriously, "that's why I asked you. Because I have no ideas, either. So. . .take each day as it comes?" Shawn hesitated, then nodded. Neither of them particularly liked not having a plan, but that was, in part, what their vacation was for. A time when they could see what their options were.
. . .
"Zechs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wake up, Zechs, we're there, we're there, Daddy's docking the ship now and Mom says you gotta go see her!" Ciara squealed excitedly. Zechs moaned, rubbing his hand over his eyes as the girl bounded into his cabin. She was already dressed, her sandy hair hanging in a French braid down her back.
Slowly, the girl's words began to make sense to him. Docking. They reached the colony, a day sooner than Talia anticipated. //Then again,// he thought groggily as he sat up, //she said herself that Shawn likes to fly fast. Too bad I didn't know him a year ago. I would have liked to have served with him when we took over the Alliance.//
After a moment, he realized what he was thinking and blanched. However, he said none of what troubled him, and instead asked, "Your mother is in her cabin?" Ciara nodded and Zechs pushed himself out of bed, cringing from the pain in his side. He put his hand against the wall, steadying himself. Damn. Ciara left her position beside the door and walked to his side, putting a gentle arm around his waist to stabilize him.
"Yeah. She said she figured out a way to disguise you," Ciara explained, and now Zechs remembered his conversation with Talia a few days earlier. Ciara continued, "You need to get dressed first, Zechs. Daddy sent me in with some clothes. That's something else we need to do, is get you some new clothes. You're too tall to wear Daddy's clothes. Mom says we'll do that on our second day here."
"Oh you mean I can't go out in just a pair of shorts and a t-shirt?" Zechs teased and Ciara crossed her eyes at him. Zechs laughed, then grimaced in pain. Dammit, he would really have to stop doing that. Ciara giggled, and Zechs gave her a mock glare, asking, "Oh, you think that's funny, do you?" Ciara just giggled again.
"I know it is! You're funny, when you're not so serious all the time," the girl returned. Zechs just rolled his eyes and Ciara rocked up onto her heels, this time kissing his cheek. She said, "I gotta go help Daddy. Get dressed, Zechs. Mom says we're not leaving the shuttle until you're ready to go. And, she told me to give you a message. She says she's keeping her pinkie promise not to cut your hair." Ciara frowned, as if she didn't know what her mother meant.
Zechs never doubted that Talia would keep her promise. He nodded in acknowledgement, and Ciara grinned. The girl bounded from the room, and Zechs began dressing. He was wearing Shawn's clothes for the last few weeks when he left his cabin for whatever reason. Shawn was a bit shorter than he was, but the jeans were usually close enough for comfort.
Actually, Talia explained once, a lot of the clothes which they gave to Zechs until they could get proper attire, belonged to a friend of theirs who was killed in the Eve Wars. When Zechs asked his name, Talia refused to give it, or which side he fought on. Said it didn't matter. However, she did relent enough to tell him that he died before Zechs joined up with White Fang. Which, he believed, was supposed to make him feel better.
It was still strange, but it was only for a while. Always slender, Zechs lost weight as well as muscle tone since the final confrontation with Heero Yuy. Ciara told him once that his face was softer than it was while he was in the White Fang, and now he saw what she meant. With another grimace of pain, he moved from his cabin and walked down the corridor to Talia's. He gently knocked on the door, and she beckoned him to enter. She added as he slipped into the cabin, "I knew it would take you a few minutes to dress. How are your ribs?"
"They hurt, but I'll deal with it. What's this brilliant idea of yours?" Zechs asked and Talia motioned him to sit down beside her on her bed. He did as he was bid, and felt her take his hair in her hands. As she began her work. . .whatever she was doing. . .he looked around her room. There was none of her personality. It seemed. . .not cold. But distant. Impersonal. He asked, "What exactly are you doing?"
"When I first arrived on L2, almost fifteen years ago, I knew a woman who was a friend of Elene's. She was a hairstylist when she was on Earth, and she taught me a few tricks. I'm shortening your hair, without cutting it. I put one of my bands on the last two inches of your hair. Next, I'll braid that section, and put another band on it. And then, I'll. . . well, never mind. I'll explain once I'm finished. It's not complicated, just hard to explain," Talia answered.
With that said, the young woman started her work. Damn his hormones! Zechs took a deep breath, released it, closed his eyes. //Keep it together, Merquise,// he told himself. After about ten minutes, Talia said in shock, "I'll be damned. It actually worked! Here, take a look. I tucked the braid under and fastened it to the rest of your hair, adding a third band so it would hold." Zechs opened his eyes. He took the mirror she offered and blinked. She added, "As long as no one looks too closely, it should work. And to complete the disguise. . .here."
She took the mirror from him and placed a baseball cap on his head, tugging the bill low. To keep his own sanity, Zechs kept his eyes low. She smelled nice. Zechs almost laughed at himself. . .what was he doing, thinking about a woman's scent? He asked, as casually as he could under the circumstances, "Do you use scented shampooo?"
"Uh-huh. . .one of the few non-essentials I allow myself. Why? Did it smell like I was wearing lilac perfume? There. Mmm. I'm missing something, what is it?" Talia mumbled as she tumbled off her bed and rambled around the room. He couldn't understand what she was saying. . .he didn't think she was even speaking in a language which he understood. He thought he caught a word here and there, but. . .it made no sense.
Zechs said not a word, watching her roam. She was muttering under her breath, and Zechs didn't understand a word she was saying. He leaned back against the bed, now able to breathe. He didn't know why her proximity continued to affect him the way it did, but he was becoming rather annoyed with it. He was Zechs Merquise, or Milliardo Peacecraft, but either way, he didn't allow himself to have such strong feelings for a married woman.
At last, she straightened and turned to face him, sighing, "Okay, your current disguise will do. Try not to talk, Z. You have a very distinctive voice. I'm afraid it would give you away. It's night, so there shouldn't be many people in the area, but. . .just be careful." Zechs nodded, though he was never told that his voice was distinctive. The distracted woman added, "Okay. I gotta grab my bags, and I'll join you and the others in the cargo bay. Five minutes?"
"Of course," Zechs replied and pushed himself up from her bed. He stopped at the door, and turned. He asked, "Talia?" She turned to face him, almost falling on *her* face as she tried to put on the left shoe of her hiking boots. Zechs winced, but asked, "You've called me that twice now. Z. What. . .?"
"Z? Oh. Yeah. Uhm. . .well, it's just something I do sometimes. Call someone by their first initial, and I can't very well call you 'M' now can I? That's something out of a James Bond movie. And 'Z' is kinda....I don't know. . .it suits you somehow. Flyboy. Now go, so I can fall on my face without humiliating myself," Talia said.
Zechs grinned and left the room. Behind him, he could still hear her muttering under her breath. He didn't know what was about to happen, but he was certain things were about to get even more interesting. There were still some things which could surprise him. Not many. In his twenty years, he saw and experienced some incredible things. Some terrifying, some anguished. But he had the sense now that a whole new chapter of his life was about to begin.
. . .
The space port was almost empty. It took the Malloy family and Zechs less than twenty minutes to disembark, clear customs, and head for the house. The customs agent was half asleep, it seemed, and waved them through with a cursory look. Didn't even ask to see Zechs' ID, but he hadn't asked to see Ciara's, either.
By the time they were all in the van which Shawn requested when they contacted the space port, Ciara was nodding off, her head resting against Zechs' shoulder. Talia bit back a smile and turned her attention back to the road. Shawn was driving, but she often navigated for him. He was an excellent pilot, but get him behind the wheel of a car, and he could get lost in less than fifteen minutes. It was something she always teased him about. As had Elene.
Talia turned her thoughts away from the past. She received an email from Olga, stating that she gotten everything set up, as Talia requested. And, all of the old pictures were put away. Talia was grateful to the old Russian woman. Olga never let her down. And, she knew Talia's real name. The young woman sighed, remembering herself at sixteen. Slightly gawky, still growing into her body. A happy young girl, for the most part. Somewhat moody. The great sunshine of her life was her young brother. Petyr. She smiled faintly, remembering how he would run into the Great Hall of their manor, screaming, "Natasha, Natasha, you're home!"
Natasha, Natasha, Natasha. It didn't matter what he was doing or saying, Petyr could never be satisfied with saying her name just once. He was an exuberant little boy, a little ray of sunshine to everyone he knew. It was no wonder her parents never forgave her for allowing him to die. And he was such a contrast to the solemn little prince Milliardo. Talia laughed to herself, even as she fought back tears, as she remembered her brother's attempts at 'Milliardo.'
Queen Katerina stepped in, telling little Petyr that her special name for her first-born, her only son, was 'Julian.' His middle name. That was much easier for Petyr to say. And by the end of their second day in the Sank Kingdom, those in the palace heard Petyr shouting, 'Julian, Julian, Julian' almost as often as they heard him shouting, 'Natasha, Natasha, Natasha.' Natasha. A name she had not heard in thirteen years. Not since leaving Earth behind, and with it, a lifetime of sorrow. But you could never truly leave your ghosts behind. Ready or not, they used to call when they were children, ready or not, here I come. Such was the case with the past.
Really, with anyone's past. There was no going back. . .and no forgetting. Talia sighed. She was exhausted. That was the only possible reason for this line of thought. When she was tired, she got sentimental and syrupy. Yes, that had to be it. She was tired, that's why she was thinking like that. Even so, knowing its name, took away none of its power. None of Talia's fear.
She had a terrible feeling that by rescuing Zechs, she would find herself confronting her own past head on. Every ugly moment of the twenty- four hours when the Sank Kingdom came under attack. Every moment before she fled to space, away from the silent condemnation of her parents. She tried to turn away from it once again, whispering under her breath as they neared the house, "Rest in peace, violated and shattered Natasha Galinova." (1)
But she knew better. Her time of reckoning was coming. The time when all the secrets would be out in the open, the time when she would be forced to reconcile Natasha Galinova and Natalia Malloy. Talia looked over her shoulder into the backseat. Zechs was asleep, his cheek resting against Ciara's hair. The woman wondered if she would find that self- reconciliation as difficult as he had. Only time would tell.
1. . .this is a direct parallel to Zechs' comment in (I think) Portrait of a Shattered Kingdom, after he kills the Alliance officer responsible for the deaths of his parents.