A Night to Remember
[a/n right. So, you'll bre needing an explaination. Once upon a time, my friend and I were bored in math, so I decide I will write a fic. To be amusing, she writes up a very long and ridiculous list of things that she thinks *must* be included. A couple that REQUIRE explaining- every other word Hermione says is [beep]ed out, the invisibility cloak makes the wearer visible in their underthings, and Snape is a valley girl. And the result follows...]
It was just a normal night...too normal of a night. The "Harry Potter" characters were bored.
"I'm bored," said Harry.
"Me [beep]" said Hermione.
"What should we do?" asked Ron.
"I know!" cried Harry, "Let's go romping through the castle in the invisibility cloak!!"
"Smashing [beep], Harry."
They put on the cloak, stepped out of the common room, and began skipping along.
"Tra la la," sang Harry, "we are breaking the rules again!"
"What fun," said Ron.
"[beep]!" said Hermione.
They walked past Dumbledore, sleeping in the arms of a coat of armor.
"Why," asked Ron, "is his beard green?"
"Frog [beep]?"
"Yea, probably frog spawn, Hermione," replied Harry.
Suddenly, they saw Snape standing around the corner.
"Oh [beep]!"
"Crimeny!!"
"Shut the hell up!" whispered Harry loudly.
Snape looked their way, and seeing what he saw, he was reminded of another young boy underneath a visibility cloak many years before...
------------{Dinky flashback music plays}---------------------------------------------------------
"Shh!! Be quiet Sirius!" whispered James, "or Snape'll hear us!!"
"Shut your own trap James! Damn it Peter! I knew you shouldn't've come!! You're too damn fat for the cloak, I told you!"
"Listen, [beep], f**k [beep]!" yelled Peter.
"Alright, alright, everyone, quiet!! Here's Snape's dormitory room...lucky bastard gets his own room..."
"Well, yea," said Sirius, "he smells so bad, no one will share a room with him!!"
They entered the room, and Snape was fast asleep.
"And this is why god invented water balloons," said Sirius as they all began to pelt Snape.
"Oh my GOODD!!!" cried Snape.
Then, he noticed them, standing there in their underclothes.
"Like, Oh. My. Gooooddd!!! It's like, you three!! You are like, sooo totally, like, gonna get expelled!! Tcha!"
------------{Dinky non-flashback music plays}--------------------------------------------------
Snape flashed back to the scene before him.
"Like, oh my God! It is you three!
Can't you see? Expelled you'll be!
I now see your ghastly ways,
Now disappear in a purple haze!!!
Mua ha ha ha!!"
//////////////{Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo)///////////////////////////////////////////////////
Harry, Ron and Hermione found themselves on a prairie in the middle of nowhere in Wyoming.
"What [beep] f**k [beep] this??" cried Hermione.
"I haven't the foggiest idea," said Ron, "but here comes what looks like a badly animated wagon! Let's ask them!"
The wagon stopped in front of the kids. Some really BAD music seemed to be playing from within. A man stepped out, and a speech bubble appeared near his head. It reads:
"Howdy there, children! What'chall doin' out here on the Oregon Trail all alone now??"
"Well, sir," Harry began, "we're kinda lost..."
"Well, hop on in!" the speech bubble read, "We'll give you a ride!"
"Thank [beep], sir!"
So, for about...oh...let's say five minutes, they rode in the rickety, terrible wagon with that crappy music blasting in their ears, until Hermione jumped out and yelled-
"[Beep]!! Look [beep] that!! [Beep] a [beep] purple [beep] of [beep]!!"
"Wow!" said Ron, "It is a magical purple wedge of cheese!! And it's in a jar of Oddly Satisfying Pickles!!!"
"Ooooooooooh"
They all crowded around, grabbing at it, when-
WHOOSH!
//////////////{Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo}/////////////////////////////////////////////////////
THUMP!
"Ooh, bugger me!" said Ron. "It's a bloody Portkey!"
They found themselves standing on the set of "The Weakest Link" with Snape and Voldemort, who was taking to his wand.
"Oh, Georgette, look at this! We are on the set of "The Weakest Link! Isn't this swell? My me..."
Everyone stared at him.
"What [beep] f**k [beep] f**kin' [beep]'ing on [beep]!?!"
"I. Don't. Know."
"Like, I know!! We are, like, totally, like, on, like, The Weakest Link!! Like, it's sooo, like, cool!!"
"Uh huh." replied Ron.
That British Lady came in.
"Hello and welcome to TheWeakestLink."
*Applause*
"Alright, Snape...er, Professor Snape, we will start with you. How do you say, 'Cheese is Good' in three different languages?"
"Oh, ok, like, umm, cheese is good... umm, like, la fromage est bien... erm... el queso est bien."
"I'm sorry, it's 'le fromage est bon' now, Voldemort--"
"Don't say the name!!"
"It's alright, Georgette and I have agreed that you can call me 'You- Know- Who.'"
"Oh, alright then...You- Know- Who, what is the killing curse?"
"Hmm, Georgette, what do you think it is?" Voldie asked as he pointed her into the audience, "I think it's Avada Kedavra."
"Correct! Ron, how many brothers do you have?"
"Too damn many."
"I'm sorry, the correct answer is five. Hermione, where can you find a bezoar?"
"In [beep] goat's [beep]!"
"The correct answer is in a goat's stomach."
"That's [beep] I [beep], bitch!!"
"Watch it. Harry, what brand of condom do you and Draco use?"
"Oh," replied Harry, giggling, "we don't use...I mean...Trojan...I mean...HOW WOULD I KNOW???"
"I am sorry the correct answer was 'they don't use one.' Now we will vote on the weakest link"
That weird voice-over thingy said, "Statistically, the weakest and stupidest link was Harry. The strongest link was Volde--"
"Don't say the name!"
"Alright then, we shall now vote on the Weakest Link. Snape?"
"Voldemort."
"Don't say the name!!"
That British Lady cleared her throat. "We get the f**king idea Ron! Now, You- Know- Who?"
"Well, Georgette and I FINALLY agree on something-Harry, Duh!"
"Quite right. Ron?"
"You- Know- Who."
"Hermione?"
"[Beep]!"
"Uh huh. And Harry?"
"Voldie."
"Well, I have decided that I don't give one whit what you think! You are all the weakest link except for Voldie, because he is HOT! Goodbye."
"Oh, well, look at that Georgette! We've won!! Hurrah!"
Harry, Ron and Hermione left the set, looking dejected and officially weirded out.
"Ok, I'm officially weirded out now," said Harry.
"Yea, [beep] was [beep]'d up."
"Oh look!" exclaimed Ron.
"[Beep] silver [beep]!"
"Yea," said Harry, "a silver crayon! That reminds me! I have to send a letter! Let's take these broomsticks which have appeared out of nowhere back to Hogwarts!"
*Cough cough* "Plot [beep]! Plot [beep]!" *cough cough*
"Yes, Hermione, it's a plot hole. Do we care? No."
As they fly, Harry begins to reminisce.
"Hey, you remember that field trip we went on with Professor Lupin?"
"Oh," said Ron, "you mean when we went to the zoo and protested them keeping wolves there? That was weird."
"Well, [beep]'s because [beep]'s a [beep]!!"
"Riiiiiight." said Ron.
"Oh look! We are back at the castle! What smart brooms! You guys can head off to bed...I've got that letter to send...ooh!! I'll use the silver crayon!"
Hermione and Ron went to go sit in the common room to wait for Harry. While they were there, Percy came strolling in from a midnight visit with Penny, singing--
"...I am 16, going in 17, innocent as a rose, bachelor dandies, drinkers of brandies, what do I know if those..." [a/n: "16 going on 17": The Sound Of Music]
Ron and Hermione stared.
"Umm...Perce?"
"Umm...ta!" he cried, racing up to his dormitory room.
"What [beep] f**k??"
Meanwhile, Harry was on was way to the owlery. Once he got there, he headed over to Hedwig's usual perch, but something was wrong. Next to her, on the perch, was something far too large to be an owl, something dark and shadowed...
"Lumos," Harry whispered...and...
"Draco!"
-- With his arm around Harry's owl- his clothes and hair; and her feathers all ruffled.
"Harry!"
"But...but...Draco! How could you do this to me!?!? I...I...I thought we shared something special!!! And Hedwig...oh!"
Harry ran from the owlery, leaving the scene behind him.
"Harry! Wait!" called Draco, but Harry shut the sounds out and ran.
When he got back to the common room, he ran up to his room, without even saying 'goodnight' to Ron and Hermione, leaving questioning looks on their faces.
"Was he crying?" asked Ron.
"[Beep]," replied Hermione sadly, "[beep]."
The next day, Draco managed to catch up with Harry in the hall before Double Potions. Harry's eyes were red from crying all night, and Draco was pale for fear that his Harry would not forgive him. Draco burst into tears.
"I...I...I'm so sorry!! Noth...noth...nothing happened!! I just...I just...I...see...what happened was--"
"I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT!!!" Harry screamed, "YOU ARE CHEATING ON ME WITH MY OWL!!!"
Heads turned in the hall.
"Ha! I told you so!" said Ron to Hermione, "Pay up!"
Hermione grumbled and handed over a satchel of Galleons.
"But, but, let me explain, Harry!!!"
"I'm listening"
"Ok, so I was gonna send a letter, right, so, I went to the owlery and I saw Hedwig, and I gave her a pat, and then I started to walk on, but then she woke up and started fluffing her feathers and cooing, kinda, and being all...proud like she gets, so I ...I went over to pet her some more, I got shat on by some sleeping owls, and the I just fell asleep!! That's all!! Nothing happened! I swear!"
Harry stared longingly and then burst into tears.
"Oh! I forgive you!!!"
Some applauded, others walked away in disgust.
"This is sickening," said Ron, "I'm skiving off!"
"[Beep], this [beep] f**kin' [beep]'d up!!"
And nobody knew that while Harry and Draco were renewing their love for each other, Peter and Georgette were doing a little something if their own.
The En
[a/n right. So, you'll bre needing an explaination. Once upon a time, my friend and I were bored in math, so I decide I will write a fic. To be amusing, she writes up a very long and ridiculous list of things that she thinks *must* be included. A couple that REQUIRE explaining- every other word Hermione says is [beep]ed out, the invisibility cloak makes the wearer visible in their underthings, and Snape is a valley girl. And the result follows...]
It was just a normal night...too normal of a night. The "Harry Potter" characters were bored.
"I'm bored," said Harry.
"Me [beep]" said Hermione.
"What should we do?" asked Ron.
"I know!" cried Harry, "Let's go romping through the castle in the invisibility cloak!!"
"Smashing [beep], Harry."
They put on the cloak, stepped out of the common room, and began skipping along.
"Tra la la," sang Harry, "we are breaking the rules again!"
"What fun," said Ron.
"[beep]!" said Hermione.
They walked past Dumbledore, sleeping in the arms of a coat of armor.
"Why," asked Ron, "is his beard green?"
"Frog [beep]?"
"Yea, probably frog spawn, Hermione," replied Harry.
Suddenly, they saw Snape standing around the corner.
"Oh [beep]!"
"Crimeny!!"
"Shut the hell up!" whispered Harry loudly.
Snape looked their way, and seeing what he saw, he was reminded of another young boy underneath a visibility cloak many years before...
------------{Dinky flashback music plays}---------------------------------------------------------
"Shh!! Be quiet Sirius!" whispered James, "or Snape'll hear us!!"
"Shut your own trap James! Damn it Peter! I knew you shouldn't've come!! You're too damn fat for the cloak, I told you!"
"Listen, [beep], f**k [beep]!" yelled Peter.
"Alright, alright, everyone, quiet!! Here's Snape's dormitory room...lucky bastard gets his own room..."
"Well, yea," said Sirius, "he smells so bad, no one will share a room with him!!"
They entered the room, and Snape was fast asleep.
"And this is why god invented water balloons," said Sirius as they all began to pelt Snape.
"Oh my GOODD!!!" cried Snape.
Then, he noticed them, standing there in their underclothes.
"Like, Oh. My. Gooooddd!!! It's like, you three!! You are like, sooo totally, like, gonna get expelled!! Tcha!"
------------{Dinky non-flashback music plays}--------------------------------------------------
Snape flashed back to the scene before him.
"Like, oh my God! It is you three!
Can't you see? Expelled you'll be!
I now see your ghastly ways,
Now disappear in a purple haze!!!
Mua ha ha ha!!"
//////////////{Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo)///////////////////////////////////////////////////
Harry, Ron and Hermione found themselves on a prairie in the middle of nowhere in Wyoming.
"What [beep] f**k [beep] this??" cried Hermione.
"I haven't the foggiest idea," said Ron, "but here comes what looks like a badly animated wagon! Let's ask them!"
The wagon stopped in front of the kids. Some really BAD music seemed to be playing from within. A man stepped out, and a speech bubble appeared near his head. It reads:
"Howdy there, children! What'chall doin' out here on the Oregon Trail all alone now??"
"Well, sir," Harry began, "we're kinda lost..."
"Well, hop on in!" the speech bubble read, "We'll give you a ride!"
"Thank [beep], sir!"
So, for about...oh...let's say five minutes, they rode in the rickety, terrible wagon with that crappy music blasting in their ears, until Hermione jumped out and yelled-
"[Beep]!! Look [beep] that!! [Beep] a [beep] purple [beep] of [beep]!!"
"Wow!" said Ron, "It is a magical purple wedge of cheese!! And it's in a jar of Oddly Satisfying Pickles!!!"
"Ooooooooooh"
They all crowded around, grabbing at it, when-
WHOOSH!
//////////////{Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo}/////////////////////////////////////////////////////
THUMP!
"Ooh, bugger me!" said Ron. "It's a bloody Portkey!"
They found themselves standing on the set of "The Weakest Link" with Snape and Voldemort, who was taking to his wand.
"Oh, Georgette, look at this! We are on the set of "The Weakest Link! Isn't this swell? My me..."
Everyone stared at him.
"What [beep] f**k [beep] f**kin' [beep]'ing on [beep]!?!"
"I. Don't. Know."
"Like, I know!! We are, like, totally, like, on, like, The Weakest Link!! Like, it's sooo, like, cool!!"
"Uh huh." replied Ron.
That British Lady came in.
"Hello and welcome to TheWeakestLink."
*Applause*
"Alright, Snape...er, Professor Snape, we will start with you. How do you say, 'Cheese is Good' in three different languages?"
"Oh, ok, like, umm, cheese is good... umm, like, la fromage est bien... erm... el queso est bien."
"I'm sorry, it's 'le fromage est bon' now, Voldemort--"
"Don't say the name!!"
"It's alright, Georgette and I have agreed that you can call me 'You- Know- Who.'"
"Oh, alright then...You- Know- Who, what is the killing curse?"
"Hmm, Georgette, what do you think it is?" Voldie asked as he pointed her into the audience, "I think it's Avada Kedavra."
"Correct! Ron, how many brothers do you have?"
"Too damn many."
"I'm sorry, the correct answer is five. Hermione, where can you find a bezoar?"
"In [beep] goat's [beep]!"
"The correct answer is in a goat's stomach."
"That's [beep] I [beep], bitch!!"
"Watch it. Harry, what brand of condom do you and Draco use?"
"Oh," replied Harry, giggling, "we don't use...I mean...Trojan...I mean...HOW WOULD I KNOW???"
"I am sorry the correct answer was 'they don't use one.' Now we will vote on the weakest link"
That weird voice-over thingy said, "Statistically, the weakest and stupidest link was Harry. The strongest link was Volde--"
"Don't say the name!"
"Alright then, we shall now vote on the Weakest Link. Snape?"
"Voldemort."
"Don't say the name!!"
That British Lady cleared her throat. "We get the f**king idea Ron! Now, You- Know- Who?"
"Well, Georgette and I FINALLY agree on something-Harry, Duh!"
"Quite right. Ron?"
"You- Know- Who."
"Hermione?"
"[Beep]!"
"Uh huh. And Harry?"
"Voldie."
"Well, I have decided that I don't give one whit what you think! You are all the weakest link except for Voldie, because he is HOT! Goodbye."
"Oh, well, look at that Georgette! We've won!! Hurrah!"
Harry, Ron and Hermione left the set, looking dejected and officially weirded out.
"Ok, I'm officially weirded out now," said Harry.
"Yea, [beep] was [beep]'d up."
"Oh look!" exclaimed Ron.
"[Beep] silver [beep]!"
"Yea," said Harry, "a silver crayon! That reminds me! I have to send a letter! Let's take these broomsticks which have appeared out of nowhere back to Hogwarts!"
*Cough cough* "Plot [beep]! Plot [beep]!" *cough cough*
"Yes, Hermione, it's a plot hole. Do we care? No."
As they fly, Harry begins to reminisce.
"Hey, you remember that field trip we went on with Professor Lupin?"
"Oh," said Ron, "you mean when we went to the zoo and protested them keeping wolves there? That was weird."
"Well, [beep]'s because [beep]'s a [beep]!!"
"Riiiiiight." said Ron.
"Oh look! We are back at the castle! What smart brooms! You guys can head off to bed...I've got that letter to send...ooh!! I'll use the silver crayon!"
Hermione and Ron went to go sit in the common room to wait for Harry. While they were there, Percy came strolling in from a midnight visit with Penny, singing--
"...I am 16, going in 17, innocent as a rose, bachelor dandies, drinkers of brandies, what do I know if those..." [a/n: "16 going on 17": The Sound Of Music]
Ron and Hermione stared.
"Umm...Perce?"
"Umm...ta!" he cried, racing up to his dormitory room.
"What [beep] f**k??"
Meanwhile, Harry was on was way to the owlery. Once he got there, he headed over to Hedwig's usual perch, but something was wrong. Next to her, on the perch, was something far too large to be an owl, something dark and shadowed...
"Lumos," Harry whispered...and...
"Draco!"
-- With his arm around Harry's owl- his clothes and hair; and her feathers all ruffled.
"Harry!"
"But...but...Draco! How could you do this to me!?!? I...I...I thought we shared something special!!! And Hedwig...oh!"
Harry ran from the owlery, leaving the scene behind him.
"Harry! Wait!" called Draco, but Harry shut the sounds out and ran.
When he got back to the common room, he ran up to his room, without even saying 'goodnight' to Ron and Hermione, leaving questioning looks on their faces.
"Was he crying?" asked Ron.
"[Beep]," replied Hermione sadly, "[beep]."
The next day, Draco managed to catch up with Harry in the hall before Double Potions. Harry's eyes were red from crying all night, and Draco was pale for fear that his Harry would not forgive him. Draco burst into tears.
"I...I...I'm so sorry!! Noth...noth...nothing happened!! I just...I just...I...see...what happened was--"
"I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT!!!" Harry screamed, "YOU ARE CHEATING ON ME WITH MY OWL!!!"
Heads turned in the hall.
"Ha! I told you so!" said Ron to Hermione, "Pay up!"
Hermione grumbled and handed over a satchel of Galleons.
"But, but, let me explain, Harry!!!"
"I'm listening"
"Ok, so I was gonna send a letter, right, so, I went to the owlery and I saw Hedwig, and I gave her a pat, and then I started to walk on, but then she woke up and started fluffing her feathers and cooing, kinda, and being all...proud like she gets, so I ...I went over to pet her some more, I got shat on by some sleeping owls, and the I just fell asleep!! That's all!! Nothing happened! I swear!"
Harry stared longingly and then burst into tears.
"Oh! I forgive you!!!"
Some applauded, others walked away in disgust.
"This is sickening," said Ron, "I'm skiving off!"
"[Beep], this [beep] f**kin' [beep]'d up!!"
And nobody knew that while Harry and Draco were renewing their love for each other, Peter and Georgette were doing a little something if their own.