Author's Notes: ~looks around, looks around~ L-chan, where did you go? Your review is completely missing for chapter 10! ~gasps~ It's been review-napped! ~laughs~
Well, that's okay. Thank you to Snowykittenz, Peacewish, Shadow, Kira, and Carmen for your reviews! If you were looking for a happily ever after, this author's note is your last chance to bail out. I'm sorry, but it's part of an established timeline. I did as romantic as I could while I could! (Gothic romance maybe, but still...)
Please read. Please enjoy. Please review. One chapter left...finally.
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Moon's Dance and Shadow A Kaho and Eriol story~~~~~@~~~~~
Chapter Eleven
Twilight Upon Us
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After that life became more mundane. Eriol had given half of his magic to Sakura's father, and a great deal of his magic was now invested simply in keeping his guardians alive. We returned to England to begin life together, and things were wonderful at first.
No, actually, that's a lie. We acted like things were wonderful. We smiled a lot and were kind to each other, but that very instant things had changed. There was something missing, and I was terrified that I knew what that missing thing was.
I couldn't let him know how I felt.
I couldn't let it slip that I was that shallow.
But now, every time I looked at him, all I could see was a child, the age of one of my students.
Clow had told me. Eriol had told me. I had told myself. I must love Eriol. Clow is dead.
I had lied to myself.
The one I loved was dead.
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For years I pretended that I would come to love him once he was older. For years he pretended to believe it. We could see it in each others eyes, but we were too scared of admit we were wrong. We were content. Maybe we were hopeful. I couldn't bear to hurt him though, so I stayed.
I hurt us both.
Day after day the realization grew and day after day I shoved it back as far as I could. Then one day....
"Eh? You think they would come here?"
"It can't hurt to invite them?"
I walked into the room, having only overheard that much between Ruby Moon and Eriol. "Invite? Who are we talking about?"
Ruby Moon waved a sheet of paper in the air gleefully. "Yukito wrote me a letter. I don't know how to answer him really, but maybe if we spoke in person I could help out some. And, if Yukito came here, Touya wouldn't dare leave him here alone!"
The manic glee in those brilliant scarlet eyes made me sick, but it seemed Eriol could only see an innocent and infectious joy there. He smiled in return, giving her a message to tell Yue, then turned to me without a care. How could he? He knew what Ruby Moon was capable of. Then I remembered, she was no longer a threat to Touya because of what had happened between him and Yue. I had a flash of insight, a brief vision of Eriol smiling down at Yue's prone form, telling him that there was one who could help with the guardian's waning energy.
Eriol had known what Touya would have to sacrifice.
Had he counted on it?
Outwardly I smiled and made excuses to leave.
Inwardly I felt ill. I wanted to cry. What had I gotten myself into? What lengths would Eriol go to, just to ensure--?
I bit my lower lip, trembling. I denied everything to myself. I could stay and be happy and be in love and tell myself every day that this was the greatest life I could have hoped for, or I could leave and be lonely and hate myself forever for lying to him and myself when I'd been given every opportunity to leave if this was too much. I danced on the razor's edge for a time; acting out my bitter aggression even after Touya and Yukito arrived.
That night though....
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I brushed my hair viciously, showing the fury that had built within me now that I was alone. I expected to be alone the rest of the night. Eriol and I still slept in separate rooms, and I expected my privacy. We had both decided to wait until he was physically old enough--
He didn't even knock; he just walked in with a bemused grin. His fingers played at his lips as if remembering something pleasant. A kiss perhaps? It couldn't be. There was no one in this house that would--
He appeared sixteen now, physically, but this was the first time I had noticed it...he really was aging. How had I missed it? We'd been together how long now? He was older in appearance than Touya had been when he and I had dated.
I frowned, but he still had that smile.
"Eriol?" I asked tentatively.
"He kissed me," he said softly.
"I see. You needed to barge into my room to tell me that you've been kissed? Congratulations."
He took my irritation the wrong way, naturally. "You're jealous. For a while I wondered if you would be."
I slammed the brush down on the table. There were tears in my eyes, but none fell. I held them back with everything I had, including magic. Even still, it was a close thing, but my dignity would not allow this. "Which of our houseguests did you take advantage of?"
Eriol laughed lightly, stepping closer to me. "It would surprise you if he's the one that 'took advantage' of me?"
I didn't bother to answer that. "Who?" If it was Touya I would--
"Yue. He had been lurking in the hall when we had our little row. That's why I asked to talk about it later."
I frowned. My first reaction was disbelief--I would have sensed Yue if he had been lurking there. Then I took into account my state of mind at the time, much like it was now, and realized I wouldn't have. I couldn't have. My longing to go home--no, my longing to make a point to Eriol about going home--had overcome my senses. It wouldn't have mattered to me if someone overheard. I had been single-minded in my need to make a point with him.
The next thing that came to me was a deep hurt and insecurity. This is what I had been afraid of so long ago. It had bothered me to know that Clow and Yue were once lovers; it had scared me when I had seen the unearthly beauty that Yue possessed. How could I compare to that? The last few years had done nothing to assuage that insecurity. We had not taken our relationship past the occasional kiss while we waited for his body to mature. At least, that's what was said out loud. Was there something else? Had that last dream with Clow been enough to make him realize I could not be what he wanted me to be?
I put on a brave face and almost managed a smile. "So, you've come to tell me that you're leaving? You want me to distract Touya, or perhaps console him?" I tried to say it coldly, snidely...I wanted to hurt him with those words, but my voice broke, betraying my true feelings. I looked away.
I felt his hands on my shoulders, turning me to face him. I still couldn't meet his eyes, looking down with hopelessness and a weary pain that lanced deep through my soul. "Kaho? Is that what you want?"
"No! Of course not!" Now the tears were starting to break free at the corners of my eyes.
"What do you want from me?" His words were soft and caring, and the look in his eyes held more love than I deserved. He was concerned for me, showing me something I'd thought was gone.
I didn't answer him with words. I leaned forward hopefully, hesitantly, brushing his lips with a soft kiss. I didn't know if he'd reject me, and I was terrified he would. Instead he pulled me close and I could feel in his mind how his doubts and worries fled. There was hope in that moment from both of us.
Hope that this gesture wasn't too late.
That was the last night I slept in that bedroom. It was the first night I didn't sleep alone since the last dream Clow and I had shared. It was the first time he and I did more than simply sleep while in the same bed. It should have solved everything. I hoped it would. This step should have meant true love.
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It was two days later when I talked to Touya alone. It was probably the worst, and shortest, conversation we'd ever had.
"You look happier," I observed with a smile. The morning before he had been pensive, but something had been resolved yesterday. I had a flash of anger again toward Yue for that kiss, it had almost torn us all apart. What was he thinking? Yet, Touya was still here and he was smiling today, so something must have happened.
"You look like you are too, but I don't believe it," he replied. "You look like you found out about that kiss too."
I looked away, torn. How many people knew what had happened? My face burned with shame and my stomach rolled. "He told me about it right away."
I could feel his hesitation, like he wanted to ask something but didn't know how. He finally took a step closer and placed his hands on his hips. "Kaho, what happened? You two used to love each other."
I stared at him, wanting to answer but unable. I finally just walked away. He wouldn't understand. He couldn't know. Even after what Eriol and I had shared the other night, it was obvious to Touya that what was there wasn't love. He was right. It was many things, but it wasn't love.