Author's Notes: I'll warn you right now. The end of this story is NOT the kind of ending I like to have. It's very empty. That's just the way it came out though.
I'd like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who has EVER left a review for this, and especially this last chapter. The Third Child, Kira, L-chan, Peacewish, Snowykittenz, and Jlarinda (though that was for the first chapter technically.) Long life and happiness to all of you! (You notice who was left out? LOL) Yes, the flames finally happened after I posted the previous chapter, but I was expecting that. I can't say I'm surprised at all. No, wait, I have to admit it surprised me that it took so LONG for the flames to start. So, another round of appreciation goes to those who defended me against such a pathetic, insecure, and illogical attack. (Heck, *I* could flame this fic better than that....)
So, here it is. The end.
See you in the next story.
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Moon's Dance and Shadow A Kaho and Eriol story~~~~~@~~~~~
Chapter Twelve
Midnight Hours
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I thought I could talk about it, but I simply can't. Our last fight...our last hours together...the nightmare and the relief and the pain and the sickening joy....
I don't understand it. From this perspective I can see all the clues and hints of things to come. We were clinging together for all the wrong reasons. He made me think he was something that he wasn't...and that's what I fell in love with.
What was I to him? I don't know. Now though, I feel small and incomplete. Like I touched greatness and found myself lacking. I shattered everything.
The words we exchanged that last time still haunt my nightmares, and I wish I could take them back. I wish I could take back a lot of things. I wasted those years. I didn't have to, no one told me to do nothing while I waited for something that never happened, but I did.
For a while I hated him. For a while I hated myself. I'm sure it was the same for him.
My soul was so cold when I walked from those doors and turned my back forever.
I stayed in England to finish my education at first. I had paid good money for this opportunity, and I had enough in savings to rent a room much closer to campus. I lived in a numb haze of writing and working as I pushed forward with my doctoral thesis. I'm not sure if I could have dated at that point...if I could have moved on romantically. I didn't see beyond the work in front of me, and I'm sure the world saw that. It was with single-minded determination that I finally earned my PhD despite crying myself to sleep every night.
I know I read the mail I still got from Sakura and her friends, but after a quick reply saying how busy I was it was always the same. The words slipped from my mind like water down a river. I was packing when I finally saw what Sakura had said in her last letter. "Eriol-san moved back to Tomoeda. I know I haven't written in months, and I'm sorry, but I thought you'd like to know that. He won't tell anyone what happened, why you aren't with him, but I'm worried about both of you. Are you okay?"
I couldn't remember what I had replied.
I didn't remember reading that he had moved back.
That was my home, not his! My thoughts went irrationally red hot for a minute as I looked at those words again.
He had taken time from me when time had become precious. He took my youth from me when he had plenty of youth to spare. He was now taking my home and the only friends I might have confided in--
When did I become so centered on myself?
I deflated, holding the letter to my chest like some sort of lifeline. The date told me that months had passed, so it should be old news. I would treat it as if it were old news. I consoled myself with the thought that at least Touya had never been on friendly terms with Eriol. Would that have changed in that little amount of time? Doubtful. I'd have one person to turn to when no one else would want to hear what I had to say.
I arrived without fanfare, returning to my parent's home at the shrine. Everything was as I remembered it, calm and accepting, simple and comfortable. I gladly returned to my duties, though I was not the only one attending to them now. Two years ago my family had written to tell me of a young girl who had joined them as miko to the shrine. I had remembered, but it was still strange to see her doing everything that had been my duty alone for so long.
I applied at all the local schools and a few universities. I immediately had an offer at Seiju High School that I was glad to accept. It was strange that I ran into Yoshiyuki again, though not too strange. He had transferred to the high school five years before, and it didn't take me too long to figure out why. A plain but thick golden wedding band graced his finger, and he was behaving like a newlywed.
"Who is the lucky young woman, then?" Even as I asked the question the answer came to me, but it was more from politeness that I had asked in the first place.
He ducked his head even as he grinned proudly. "She's a former student. I've known her for years really. Here, I have the picture--"
He hovered, expectantly, while I looked. I could feel how he hoped I both would and would not recognize her, unsure which he really wanted. A phrase I'd heard years ago came to me then, that confession is good for the soul, and I knew he would like to have someone he saw as an equal know just how long those two had been in love. He needed to know that he would not be judged by at least one peer. Well, it was a situation I understood all too well.
"Yes, I remember her from ten years ago. She's grown and changed quite a bit, but Rika-chan is still just as pretty as she was when she was in my homeroom."
He slumped a bit with obvious relief. "I thought that you, of everyone around here, would understand. I'm glad you weren't shocked."
I smiled, handing back the photograph. I nodded, and I had to ask, "Why me, of everyone around here?"
The question made him uncomfortable again, but he answered. "Rika told me, she heard from a friend of hers, that you were involved with--"
"I was. It's over. You've heard all the rumors then?"
"I don't know about all. I've learned to try to not listen to them all." He looked much wiser now for his experiences as he said that. It made me wonder how I looked these days. I probably just looked older and bitter.
We were friendly after that, but I never considered him a friend. In fact, as I stayed in Tomoeda longer I came to realize that I had plenty of people to be friendly with, but no true friends. I even ran into Touya a handful of times, but everything here was distant from the me I had become. My memories were here, but it no longer felt like home. I felt now like I had no home at all.
A year and a half passed before I accepted this revelation. I was not necessary anymore. I was simply part of the scenery. It was a gray December morning when these thoughts came to a head. In the mail, the day before, had come a proposal for me to teach in another country. There was a feel of magic surrounding the possibility, though I could not tell if it was for good or for ill.
Still, it meant I would be part of something again. That was another thing I could feel, another thing I could tell. This was not the stirrings of destiny, but the pulling of another opportunity that may very well be my last at something so great and magical. I thought about it for a very long time, weighing the possibilities.
Today is New Year's Eve. I've set the entire day aside to sit and write and try to figure out where I have been and where I want to be. I see where my thoughts keep returning, my subconscious trying to tell me where to seek guidance or advice or maybe just comfort.
Tonight I will see Touya. I'm not sure yet if it will be the last time I see him. I am poised on the edge of a decision, and many things will change depending on where I turn. Is there any reason though, for me to stay?
I do not yet know.
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With a sigh, Kaho picked up the pages she had written. It was so incomplete, this story of her life with Eriol. She thought over some of the details she had left out, but decided that revising was useless. The words that were there now had been written and recalled that way for a reason.
She slipped the pages into an envelope and sighed. It was the moment of truth. What answers would she find from talking with Touya? Would she stay? Would she go? Or would he even have the answer she needed?
The world danced on the edge and did not know it. Kaho wavered like the wind.
This isn't the end.