Once again, please read The Soul of the Creation before this, or it will make very little sense. Like, almost no sense at all.
I'm gonna write a disclaimer!! Dilandau doesn't belong to me, he is the creative property of the good people who made him. This fic is my creative property, though, and in stealing it without my permission, you could be sued. I, on the other hand, cannot be sued. Go fair use policy.
Chapter 2: Cold Sweat and Memories
And tell me truly, men of earth,
If all the soul and body scars
Were not too much to pay for birth.
Robert Frost-"A Question"
Celena found herself staring at her son as he looked distantly out the window. He had been eating poorly lately, picking at his food and then leaving, seeming lost in thought. He had always told her before when he was thinking about their old life, so she knew that probably she would have to wait until he felt like talking to her about it.
She leaned over and tapped him on the shoulder. He turned, seeming surprised that she was still there. She smiled, "You want me to heat that up for you?" she asked him.
He glanced down at his plate, "Hm? Oh, yeah…" he gave a pitiful half-smile, "Sorry." He poked at his plate for a moment, and then turned to look out the window again.
Celena sighed, clearing the remainder of the table, but leaving Dilandau's plate there. She was just starting to wash the dishes in the sink when he turned away from the window and smiled a pained smile.
"Hey, mom?" he asked, softly.
"Uh huh?" she answered.
"You remember them too, don't you?" He paused, but she perceived that he meant to go on, so she didn't answer.
He did go on, "I mean, that was so long ago now… There's no chance that even if any of them survived, they'd still remember me." he smiled at her, "My Dragonslayers."
She blinked for a few moments, "Oh, is that what you've been so upset about?" she asked him, no trace of mocking in her voice.
"Yeah, I know it's silly, worrying about people who've been long dead…" he said dismissively.
"No!" she said, "No, no.. Go on." she sat down beside him, listening attentively.
He paused for a moment, looking at his hands, "Well, they were my only friends, back then, and I was wondering what they'd think about me now.. Avoiding the life I used to lead, sitting around at home." he shrugged, "I guess I think they'd be disappointed in me, that I'm not in the military, out there doing something." he smiled, looking up, "You know, I used to love it." he said, his eyes shining.
"I know." Celena nodded, "But perhaps you're not worried about what they think as much as you're worried about what else you can do with your life."
Dilandau nodded, and looked up at her with a sadness in his eyes.
"You know…" Celena began, "You can do what you want. You can be a knight if you want to, or you can do something else. I'm going to give you some time to figure it out, all right?"
"Right." Dilandau said, seeming relieved.
"Besides, we don't know what they're thinking about wherever they went." Celena said.
Dilandau smiled, "It's good to know that you remember all of them, too." he said with a warm grin, "Sometimes I almost feel like it was all a dream, you know? A real dream, not my memories."
She nodded, smiling at him.
"Once, and I remember this very clearly…" he chuckled a little as he spoke, "Shesta and Gatty were sparring in the yard, and Shesta tripped over Gatty's shinai. For a moment there, it just looked so ridiculous, Shesta sprawled over the sword, and that look on Gatty's face…" he shook his head, chuckling, "I just couldn't stop laughing. It was really kind of stupid, but at that moment, it struck me as funny." He chuckled for a few moments more and then paused, "Then everybody started laughing. I think that was the last time I actually did something spontaneous with them. I don't know why I was thinking about that… But I remember just after…" He trailed off, thinking.
Celena swallowed, "Just after that…" she said, her eyes dark and distant.
Dilandau thought hard, "They took me away again." he said, his voice frightened. He put his head in his hands, "That could be why, then…" he said with a broken smile on his face, "Of course that was the last time something like that happened. They made it the last time."
Celena had explained, not long after Dilandau finally regained all of his memories, about the madoushi and their experiments. He was old enough now, he could understand. Those men had done something terrible to him, to her. They had taken her identity away, they had robbed him of his free will. They both became something they were not.
Perhaps the past Dilandau, when he realized what they were doing to him, would have raged, would have killed the men who had raped his mind. But this Dilandau, the man he could have been, he merely shivered at the thought of those dark capes, those white faces, those voices that were a little too high.
"Well…" Dilandau said, wiping a cold sweat from his forehead, "I'm getting tired, maybe I'll go lay down in my room." he smirked weakly, walking into his room.
Celena put her forehead in her hands, noticing that she was sweating too. She stood up and busied herself clearing the table, trying to clean the dark thoughts from her head. Though the sun had not quite finished setting, she lit the candle in the center of the table, and felt better about herself.
It was a primal urge for humans to be comforted by fire, Dilandau knew that. That was the only thing that felt him from feeling dirty as he lit the fireplace in his room, wondering if perhaps the madoushi hadn't programmed him to love the feel of the living heat on his skin as he sat on his chair by the fire. He knew in his mind that it was in his human nature, but that didn't keep his skin from a guilty prickle as he sat down in his armchair, and watched the flames dance in the hearth.
He kept seeing their faces surface in the afterimage of the too-bright flames, his friends, the Dragonslayers. He put his face in his hands, and his palms were cold and moist against his cheeks. He was tired of seeing them die, over and over.
Of course, this time it was on his shoulders. He forgave Van, when he remembered. As much as his memories would let him, he had forgiven Van, but there would ever be a wall between them after that. In any case, he placed the blame on himself now, blame seated in the insanity that had come over him in those last days. He had forgotten guilt, forgotten remorse. Only vengeance and anger had remained, only getting back at Van, and then his friends had paid for it. He tossed another log on the fire and then sat back down.
He still worried that he could do something like that again, wondered whether he could make such a grievous mistake again, all for his pride. He had thought about it over and over, and realized that Van had practically had the right to… Do what he did back then. It had been on Dilandau's account that his dearest, indeed, his only friends had died. It would be a very long time before he could come to terms with that.
He stared into the fire, not looking at it, but feeling it on his face and body. His thoughts trailed off into the heat, and soon he fell asleep.
Meanwhile, the council of shadows that had been observing him from afar watched intently, waiting for that moment.
"He's asleep!" the first voice was jubilant. Among his fellows he was referred to as Shy, though often he was nothing but. The society that they had created was very attuned to first impressions.
"Shall we begin?" asked the second voice, known as True in this circle.
"If you think he's ready…" said Last, somewhat worried.
"He's been ready.. It's us who haven't been." Gaze spoke, "We waited for too long." His voice was eager and somewhat disdainful.
"We couldn't help it." the one called Care said flippantly, "We had to bide our time until we were all able to contact him."
"It's good that we finally figured out a way." Shy said, "I've been wanting to do this for so long." there was a subtle edge of hunger to his voice, but it was a strange hunger, a desperate one.
There was a long pause as the conversation was digested.
"So, shall we go?" True said, "Time will not stand still for us."
There was another pause, the faces looked worried in the darkness.
"Yes." came the cry, almost in unison, and the wheels of fate and change were set in motion once more.
Author's note: Boy, that last part was hard… You don't know how much I thought about those names. It's really hard to think up convincing characters, you don't even know. Anyhow, even though I did, you shouldn't worry too much about the names, they're just tags so that the characters can have something to identify them. But anyhow, I may have been a bit too deep with this chapter, but it's hard to write what I want without being deep. I realize that Shesta tripping is not all that funny, but, uh… I was without inspiration on the funny front… Also, I figured Dilandau could be a little starved for comedy… Yeah, why not. Anyhow, I hope I conveyed the stuff I wanted to convey, and I hope you're itching for the next chapter. Next week, probably! Ha ha!
I get to answer reviews!!
Feye Morgan: I'm happy to contribute to your perfect happiness! And yeah, I stole that musical bit from you, and when I update that chapter again, it'll have a mention of it, yay! Yep, be worried, those people have a wringer that they're going to put Dil-chan through, but you know me, I think he'll come out OK. Well, I know he'll come out OK, but all of you have to wait a bit! hehe! Thanks for reviewing me first!!
Macky: Tnks!! I thought the start might be a little too short, but I didn't want to give everything away in the very beginning. By the by, that's a very good guess!
Dilanda: I'm glad that you're glad that I'm continuing!! Uh.. That's right, right? @.@
Hitomi-no-Hikari: Don't worry so much! Dilly will be OK!! And I can't wait to have you read the rest, so we'll suffer together.
Etowato: Really? I thought music was a different thing for Dilandau… Hm.. Well, I thought I'd give a little shout out to Feye Morgan for using Dilandau and music in her fic, Journey of Fire and Shadow. Anyhow, yes I will be posting more often! After this week, every Thursday, and Chapter 3 is already almost finished! Worship me!!