Ravi doggedly picked the burrs out of his clothes while simultaneously trying to follow Dilandau. He had come looking for Dilandau of his own accord, but the expression on his friend's mom's face had made Ravi worry. She told him where Dilandau was, but her expression told him that something was wrong with him. And there indeed seemed to be something very wrong with Dilandau.
Ravi had decided not to mention it. Pushing Dilandau had always worried him, especially after what happened three years ago. He pushed, and that was the trigger for Dilandau to regain his memories which eventually caused him to go on a murderous mission. Of course, he had been stopped. THAT time. Ravi had been wary since then of disturbing Dilandau's normal patterns.
But even what happened three years ago didn't worry Ravi nearly as much as what was happening right now.
No one has seen him stumble looking back.
His fear is not behind him but beside him
On either hand to make his course perhaps
A crooked straightness yet no less a straightness.
He runs face forward. He is a pursuer.
He seeks a seeker who in his turn seeks
Another still, lost far into the distance.
Any who seek him see in him the seeker.
His life is a pursuit of a pursuit forever.
It is the future that creates his present.
All is an interminable chain of longing.
Robert Frost-"Escapist-Never"
Ravi finally finished with the sandburs, and stared doubtfully after the quickly retreating Dilandau. It was almost as if he was trying to run away, but where to?
"Dilandau." Ravi said softly, and Dilandau paused, "Where are you going?"
Dilandau turned and looked at Ravi balefully. After a long silence, he shrugged.
"What?" Ravi said, running up to him and taking him by the shoulder, "What, that's it? All these years I stood by you, even when you was crazy, and all you give me is one of these?" Ravi said, making an exaggerated parody of a shrug.
Dilandau sighed and turned away, "You don't understand." he said wearily.
Ravi's eyes shimmered, "The hell I don't understand." he said harshly, "The only thing I don't understand is why you aren't telling me what's wrong." he frowned fiercely at Dilandau, who turned.
Dilandau seemed as if he was about to say something, but then he shook his head weakly, "No… No…" he waved his hand, turning away.
"No." Ravi said, "No what? You can't tell Ravi because he too stupid? He wouldn't understand? You can't fool yourself, Dilandau. Just because you think I don't have to know doesn't mean I don't deserve to. Why did your mother look so sad this morning? Why are you so tired? What, you have a fight with her?" Ravi smiled wryly. That was the last thing he would believe.
Dilandau stared deeply into Ravi's eyes, "You wanna know?" Dilandau said, his voice shaking.
Ravi implacably nodded.
"Fine." Dilandau said, his voice rising in fury and fear, "Everywhere I go, I lose!" he shouted, stepping away from Ravi, "My friends desert me, my goals disappear. I lost myself, once!" he shouted, "It's this poison in me, it kills. I deserve it, Ravi. At this point, I don't think I can be saved."
Ravi didn't have any clue what Dilandau meant by that. But that didn't matter. Ravi's strong arm lashed out and slapped Dilandau across the face, hard, "You're delirious." Ravi said, as Dilandau stumbled for a moment and put his hand on his cheek.
"Maybe I am." Dilandau panted, "But who says that means I'm wrong?"
"I do." Ravi said, "He don't understand what he's got right in front of him…" he beseeched the sky. He turned his gaze back to Dilandau, "I don't know what you're talking about, but I'm betting it's about that guy back then. The one I saw three years ago. Let it be, Dilandau. You're not that person anymore. Come to your senses."
"You don't understand!" Dilandau shouted, "I AM him! He is me! You noticed it, I could tell you did. Three years ago, he and I became one. I remember…" he was frantic, "I remember three years ago, sparring with you in the clearing for the first time. But I also remember what happened three years before I was born! My mother meeting my father for the first time! I remember the last time he visited our house but I also remember killing men who looked just like him! He and I are not apart, we're the same, I AM Dilandau Albatou."
Ravi looked at him, saying nothing.
"You hate me now, don't you?" Dilandau's bitter voice said, "You're going to hurt me just like they did, except I didn't kill you."
Dilandau felt his tall friend's arm clap on his back, and pull him into a quick hug, "I don't hate you." said Ravi, "You and him, whatever. You the same. So what? Either let it go or hold onto it. Nothing gonna change that Ravi and Dilandau are friends."
Dilandau sighed, half from pain and half from relief, "Not even if I change into a different person altogether…?" he said, envisioning what the madoushi would do to him.
Ravi smiled, "You already did that, see!"
Dilandau smiled faintly, "All right, Ravi." he said, "You win." and he proceeded to tell Ravi about his dream, as far as he could remember, including the fact that he was the person who'd determine his own fate.
Ravi's face brightened at that, "Well then, you've already won!" he said.
Dilandau stared at Ravi with haunted eyes, "I don't know so much, Ravi." he said.
"What, you think you're to blame?" Ravi said, surprised.
"I know I am." he said, "I ordered them there, I didn't protect them. I left them all to die, and then ran away like a coward!" he sobbed.
"They wouldn't have gone if they hadn't wanted to." Ravi said softly.
"They did." Dilandau snapped.
"You can't just… say you're not guilty, like you did when you plead?" Ravi said.
"I know it won't be like that." Dilandau said, "The dream hasn't broken stride yet. Probably the jury will announce what my heart has decided."
Ravi thought for a moment, "Well, I think there's still something more to this thing." he said, stroking his chin, "Tonight, they say, you get to do your case?"
"Yeah. But Zongi still hasn't told me who's testifying." Dilandau said.
Ravi nodded, "Sure. But he's got all that figured out. He seems like a smart guy. He'll have it by tonight, at least."
"Sure…" Dilandau said, shaky. He wasn't looking forward to tonight.
"Hey!" Ravi said, "You better not worry. This time, you got me, you got your mom. This time they can't gang up on you, make you hate yourself."
Dilandau nodded, his hair bobbing limply, "Ok… Ok…" he said, "And now…" he looked to the sun's position in the sky, "It's about 6:00." he smiled weakly, "You wanna come have dinner at my house?" he asked.
"Do I ever!" Ravi said, grinning, "Just gotta go ask my mom." he ran off to do so.
Dilandau shuffled his way back to his house, grim. Without Ravi there, he felt much less sure about this whole thing. But… and he paused… at this point there was nothing more that he could do. If he decided in his deepest heart that he deserved to die, then he would, and maybe it all wouldn't hurt so much anymore. If he decided he would live, he could remain here with his mother and Ravi and everyone else.
He was still afraid, but as he ate a somber dinner with Ravi and his mother, he controlled it enough that he could actually smile, chat, and most of all, eat. He felt like he had been running a marathon all night; and though he wasn't all that hungry, he was weak, and the food made him feel better.
Ravi's mother agreed to let him stay the night. She thought it was perhaps a little strange, the boys being 18, to want to stay the night, but she merely mused quietly about the possible reasons and waved goodbye to her son.
"So." Ravi said, as they settled into bed, him on a cot on the floor, "You all right?" his voice was nervous as well. Maybe he was having doubts, too. Dilandau chuckled ruefully. Maybe he was doubting Dilandau's sanity.
Dilandau smiled in the darkness, "Yeah. I'm fine. Let's go to sleep and get this over with."
"Right." Ravi said, relieved, "You know, my mom always says, the faster you fall asleep, the faster it's morning."
Dilandau didn't answer, he merely lay his head down on the pillow. For a few moments, he was too pumped with adrenaline to sleep. He took a few deep breaths, relaxing his body, and he let the fear wash over him and guide him cautiously into his dream once again.
The darkness was complete, and he almost panicked, but soon the blue-flame lights of the circular room faded back in, and though he felt the fear, he tamped it down. As that room once again faded into the courtroom, filled with people, he felt a peculiar sort of confidence. No turning back now.
Author's note: Wow. That was quick. That's because it's short. I cut short a lot of the scenes I could have kept long. I could have replayed the whole explanation scene, but I thought that it was enough to have Celena's in the last chapter, I could have put a little more description in there, written in the meal scene, but truthfully, I want to get on with this whole business. I can't wait to write the end. ^-^ (excited) I got a ton of reviews on chapter 11, like five minutes after I posted it! I couldn't even see it yet and I was getting reviews! YAY! Anyhow, I'm posting this one early too, to give myself a chance to get on with it. I also liked writing Ravi's fun mode of speech again. Heheh. Well, maybe after this I'll post the chapters as soon as I finish them. That's what I was doing before anyway, except it wasn't early then, it was late….
Ahhh! Avalanche!! (of reviews)
Feye Morgan: Updates are good! So I'm doing it again. It's easier to write these ones without the dreams, but the hard ones are back again. Durn. Oh well. Yeah, I'm glad it fit well.. I picked this one earlier, so I don't know if it fit really well. Aw. For you, I answer questions, darling. Yes, Celena will be testifying. No, rambling is good. I'm glad you liked that chapter, I felt like it might be bad. ^-^
Eboni: I've updated already! Am I not a meanie anymore? Yeah, that's the basic premises. They know that he already condemned himself for their murder, that's why he's the judge. Yeah, well, if I was the judge in my own legal proceedings, I sure wouldn't be paying for my ticket! Yes, Ravi will definitely help.
dilanda: Don't worry, I'm just glad you came back! You wouldn't have wanted to wait anyway, I was late for a lot of these updates… Yay! I'm glad you're back, and I'm glad you like the poems I chose for the chapters. That's sometimes the hardest part, but it's good because it gives me a direction for the story. Shesta's story would be much different if I hadn't used that poem for it.
Blue Aloe: That's the point, you see? He SAID he wasn't guilty, but he still believes he is. He mostly just said that to challenge the madoushi, and also because he wasn't sure what they'd do to him if he did plead guilty. He wants to live, but he believes he was responsible. I'm so glad I get to write Ravi again. He's so cool!! No nitpicks! YAY!
Etowato: Yeah, I was pretty mean in Chapter 10, but don't blame me! It must have been the madoushi that gave me the evil idea. I'm glad, too, even though he's still far away from discovering the whole truth.