It was with a secretive smile and a slight nod of pity at Dilandau that Zongi rose and addressed the judge. He sent a sideways backward glance at the boy, noting his quizzical expression at the odd nonverbal clues.
"Your Honor." Zongi sighed, "I will call my final witness now."
"Go ahead." the judge said.
"I wish to call..." and he turned, fixing Dilandau with that impermeable, infinitely sad gaze, "Dilandau Schezar to the stand."
In a field I looked into going past,
And the ground almost covered smooth in snow,
But a few weed and stubble showing last.
The woods around it have it-it is theirs.
All animals are smothered in their lairs.
I am too absent-spirited to count;
The loneliness includes me unawares.
And lonely as it is, that loneliness
Will be more lonely ere it will be less-
A blanker whiteness of benighted snow
With no expression, nothing to express.
They cannot scare me with their empty spaces
Between stars-on stars where no human race is.
I have it in me so much nearer home
To scare myself with my own desert places.
Robert Frost- "Desert Places"
Dilandau sat up straight, fixing Zongi with a shocked gaze. Zongi's answer was 'it can't be helped,' communicated by way of a resigned shrug. Dilandau looked away, struggling for a moment to decide whether he could even get up on that stand and face Folken speaking with that bitter poison in his voice. But… This must be the end. He was the last witness. And at this point, what would be, would be. He was so tired, and it was almost over. What could he do but get up there, no matter how it would cost him?
He stood, walking calmly up to the chair and being seated. He brushed his hair out of the way nervously.
Zongi looked reticent about calling him up, he must have felt guilty. But this was the last test, wasn't it? Dilandau would have to pass, "Please, state your name."
"Dilandau Leon Schezar." Dilandau said, attempting to be calm.
"Dilandau, how do you feel about yourself?" Zongi said, wincing against the answer he knew would come.
"I hate myself." and it came out so quickly that Dilandau could do nothing but go round-eyed with surprise at its quickness. He hadn't meant to say that! He had meant to avoid the subject, say something to the effect of 'I don't know…' But even without his will, the truth, the hard truth had come out.
Celena stared at him with round, doleful eyes. She had known that this time would come.
"Why?" asked Zongi.
Dilandau clenched his fists, fighting the words that came out of his mouth, "Because… I was once so terrible… I…" he coughed, "I could be again!"
"What makes you think that?" Zongi said, the kindness in his voice showing his worry for the boy.
Tears of resentment and anger were leaking out of Dilandau's eyes. His stomach muscles were clenched tight, but the words still came out, "Because… When I was him… when he was.." he coughed again, "I didn't want to… I…" he sobbed, letting it go, "Because when I was still known as Dilandau Albatou, I didn't care. I could have done terrible atrocities a hundred times over, and I wouldn't have cared."
"Relax…" Zongi said, his eyes strained and worried, "You'll be all right, just take a deep breath and let go."
Dilandau looked at him with a force of fury at this betrayal, but Zongi seemed prepared and merely sadly turned away.
"Why didn't you care?" Zongi said.
"I don't kno-" but he stopped, and the words again came unbidden, "It didn't matter as long as They were happy. As long as They left me alone." His eyes were haunted.
"The Madoushi?" Zongi asked.
"Yes." Dilandau said, "As long as They thought that everything was all right, They left me alone. So I did what They wanted me to do."
"But did you like that?" Zongi said.
"What?" Dilandau asked, confused.
"Did you want to do all those things? Did the deepest part of you tell you that this was all right?" Zongi said calmly.
"I… I don't know…" Dilandau said, and it was the truth, "It was all so vague. I was afraid of Them. I was afraid of the pain, what they did to me." he stared mistily at the jury. Those people, he had killed them all. Perhaps subconsciously through the dream-trial, he had been avoiding looking at them.
Curiously, their eyes no longer burned.
But Zongi was speaking again, "But now you're no longer him. Why continue to hate yourself?"
"Because." Dilandau said, "If I erase him from me, if I leave behind everything that was him, I won't ever be caught like that again. No one will be able to make me weak like that again if I leave that weakest part of me behind."
Zongi's eyes were like glass, "But he's still a part of you." he said.
Dilandau abruptly broke into sobs, "HE IS ME!" he shouted, "I already knew that. We're the same, there's no difference. THAT'S why I hate him… me! Because we're the same. No matter how hard I try, I can never leave him behind, not without killing myself." he looked balefully at his mother, whose face was almost as bereaved as his own, "But I couldn't do that. I can't kill anymore, not even myself." She was less horrified, but still terribly sad at these words.
Dilandau's testimony was confused, but that was because he was confused. Zongi knew this, but it still hurt him to see Dilandau like this.
"Are you responsible for what happened to the Dragonslayers?" Zongi asked.
"Yes." Dilandau said bitterly, "I couldn't… Can't… protect them. I wasn't strong enough. I lost them all." but he smiled ruefully, "But I guess I never had them in the first place, did I?" he looked down to the woodgrain of the witness box, "It doesn't matter. If I wasn't strong enough to save them, I'm not strong enough to protect anyone. My life… it's a sham." his smile was shaky, broken.
"You were weak." Zongi said.
"I am weak." Dilandau said.
"What about your mother?" Zongi said.
"I can't protect her, either." Dilandau said, "Someday I'll let her down. Something terrible will happen, and it'll all be my fault."
His eyes lifted to look at his mother, who was slowly shaking her head.
"She doesn't think so, Dilandau." said Zongi softly.
"No…" Dilandau said, quietly, "I… You don't understand!" he said bitterly, "I destroy whatever I touch! My… my family… I mean.. my mother's family, my friends…" he looked morosely at the Dragonslayers, who stared stonily back at him, "I'm poison, something in me is fire and everything is destroyed…"
This was a bad line of questioning. Zongi decided to change tactics, "What about three years ago?" he asked with a sigh.
Dilandau was taken off guard, "What?" he said, blinking at Zongi.
"What do you remember about three years ago, when you attempted to kill Van Fanel?" he asked.
Dilandau thought about it, and in thinking, he spoke, "It was just like just after the Dragonslayers died. I was angry, angry beyond reason, but also terrified, sad. I was dreaming. That's what it felt like."
"Why go after Van?" Zongi asked.
"Van… He had killed them. So I wanted revenge. I wanted him to die, die in the most painful and terrible way possible. Then it wouldn't matter anymore. I could die in peace." he said, eyes lowered.
"Die?" Zongi asked.
"Yes…" Dilandau said, closing his eyes, "With them gone, there was nothing for me to live for. Van had taken away everything that made my life worth living…" he opened his eyes, looked apologetically at his mother, Ravi, Allen, "…or so I thought. But… I think more than anything else, I wanted to die then, in my last moment of glory. I wanted to kill Van and then die along with him, die just after he did. Yeah…" a slightly beatific smile came over his face, "That would have been beautiful…"
"Really?" asked Zongi shortly.
"No." Dilandau said, "But at the time, it was the only thing that I thought could end my pain." It was a matter of fact to Dilandau, but he knew that the idea of his suicide after murdering Van chilled his mother's bones. For all anyone knew, it could have happened. The truth was, it was likely a lucky accident that he didn't kill Van and die along with him. The thought made Dilandau inadvertently shudder.
"But why didn't you kill him?" asked Zongi.
Dilandau paused, "I don't know. I mean, immediately it was because he struck my face…" tentatively he brushed the scar with his fingers, "…but that wasn't it, I don't think. It was a dream, like I said, but I remember I was just… so tired. I stopped caring about killing Van… And I just wanted to fade away."
"What happened after that?"
"What do you mean?" Dilandau's voice said.
Zongi blinked at him, "Do you remember what happened after you started to dream again?"
Dilandau frowned, "I don't know…" he closed his eyes, and cradled his head in his hands, thinking, "I… I didn't care. But then the memories started coming back… I saw… everything, I saw my mother. I saw my life all over again, and all of a sudden everything was so clear." He looked up, "All of a sudden, my life was worth living again."
"When did it stop being worth living?" Zongi asked.
Dilandau blinked, "Has it?" he said, frowning introspectively…
"Has it?" asked Zongi.
Dilandau looked down, "…I don't know."
"No further questions." Zongi said.
"What!?" Dilandau said, eyes panicked.
Zongi stopped walking, looked back at him. Dilandau knew the look in his eyes. He was leaving Dilandau alone. Dilandau would have to do this alone.
Folken rose, and a fear rose with the gorge in Dilandau's throat. He swallowed it down, staring into Folken's bitter maroon eyes.
Folken made a deep scoffing sound in the back of his throat, and turned away, "So, you hate yourself, then?"
Dilandau looked down, slightly abashed, "Yes, well… I guess so."
"And you think that death can save you from that?" Folken said, a tinge of bitterness in his voice.
Dilandau looked up at him, completely surprised, "I… I mean, I never said that."
Folken turned away, "Fool." he said harshly, "You know nothing about hating yourself." He brought his good hand up to his face, covering it.
Narrowing his eyes, Dilandau answered him, "What makes you think that?" he said, a silvery coldness in his voice.
"Because." and he whipped around, "you've never given up anything. The love of your mother, your friends… You haven't sacrificed anything. Ever."
Dilandau growled, "Ha." he said shortly, harshly, "I sacrificed my life, when those Madoushi took me."
Folken turned to look at Dilandau with one sad eye, "Did you sacrifice your love?" he said softly.
Dilandau wanted to remain silent, but he was compelled to speak, "No. I haven't."
"Then you've sacrificed nothing. You're a fool." Folken said, harsh once more, "A fool who can have no understanding of what it means to take your own life." He whirled, "Why do you hate yourself?" he asked in a booming voice.
"Be-because…" Dilandau said, "I already said it was because I am weak."
"Heh." Folken said ruefully, "Of course. Weak." his tone was so very sarcastic and denigrating that Dilandau chafed even to hear it.
His brow creased, "You don't have to put so much hatred into it, Strategos. You've been weak." Dilandau said, caustic.
"Never so weak as you." Folken's tone was hatred.
Dilandau could stand no more, "Never so weak as me!? Ha!" and his voice was caustic, yet the tone was so familiar that he almost felt along his windpipe to assure that it was his.
Folken paused, and stared at him for a very long moment, "You sounded very like your old self for a moment there." he said impassively, and then turned away again, "You cling to the Madoushi as a lifeline, you still use them as an excuse to be weak. Just because you're afraid." His voice was deep, it resonated, even deep within Dilandau's heart.
Dilandau jolted like he had been shot at those words, "Afraid of what?" he asked.
"Who knows." Folken turned to look at him, "Life. Pain. Take your pick."
"Anyone knows they're the same." Dilandau said, "Life and pain."
"But you don't want it to be true, do you?" Folken took a step closer to Dilandau.
"No one does." Dilandau said.
"And for that you would hold on to your worst and most hated enemies?" They were eye to eye now, Folken's glassy gaze penetrating deep into Dilandau's living fear.
And then Dilandau paused. Why would he hold these hated memories so close to him? The madoushi were doing this to him, but he didn't have to let them. He matched Folken's gaze once again, and forcefully he said, "No."
Folken's eyes flickered strangely, and Dilandau saw the first signs of life in them that he could remember seeing, "No?" he asked, "You deny it then?"
Dilandau took a deep breath, and looked over the eyes of his family and friends. He even chanced a swept gaze over his old Dragonslayers, though their forbidding expressions hadn't changed much. He leveled his gaze at Folken, "No." he said calmly, "I can't deny it, it's probably very true. But you know…" and he stood, "They're dead and gone. Now I don't have to do anything I don't want to do. And I don't think…" he grunted, jumping lightly down from the witness box, "I really want to hate myself anymore." his eyes were earnest as he looked into Folken's.
"Don't you?" Folken asked him, seeming amused, "And this is something that you can just stop…" he snapped with his right arm, the sound was strange coming from a metallic hand, "…like that?"
Dilandau's expression was solid, determined, "Maybe I can." he said, although he wasn't so sure.
Folken turned, "No further questions," he said, leaving Dilandau utterly speechless.
He had expected a grueling series of continuing questions, which left him with a strange feeling in the pit of his stomach. Something was not right. He again had the feeling that he was missing something important. He stood aimlessly in front of the witness box until he heard the judge clear his throat.
Sparing a quick glance at the judge, Dilandau returned to his seat.
Zongi stared at him with those large green eyes, his expression unreadable.
Dilandau didn't feel the urge to speak, anxiety was rising cloudily in his stomach. He looked at his hands and clenched his teeth.
The judge spoke, "The jury will consider their verdict." he said, dismissing them.
They filed into a room off the jury box. Dilandau noted that they looked strangely doubtful and purposeless. He settled down for what looked to be an interminably long wait.
Beyond the courtroom, there was a palpable atmosphere of excitement. The figures, though still tall, sinister, faces obscured by cowls, were strangely childlike in their excitement, filled with twitchy energy.
"Finally we will see whether we have succeeded." Care said.
Shy nodded, eager, "I can hardly wait."
"We shouldn't get our hopes up." said True softly, "There's a likelihood…"
"Shh…" Gaze interrupted, "You're foolish. You have to understand what's going on underneath.."
"I suppose you do…?" returned True.
"I do." Gaze said, "You'll see."
"We must be wary, overall." muttered Last, "There's still a while left to go. We can't let our guard down."
"Or we'll be exposed?" said Gaze ironically, "It's a bit late for that."
Shy said, "I'll be in charge of that." he said, "Exposure…" and he eyed Gaze, "…is the least of our worries at this point."
"When he hates himself, he hates us." agreed Care.
"Let's take care not to be blinded and numbed by that hatred." Shy said. Agreement suffused the room like a white-lavender mist, blending smoothly with the excitement. Only a few moments left, they could feel the heartbeats quickening in the courtroom, they hoarded the rhythm jealously, since they no longer knew their own.
Author's note: I felt rather disjointed while writing this chapter, mostly because I'm so excited to be writing the next couple (read: last few) chapters… Sorry if the quality dipped. (sigh) I would have taken longer, made it better, but I'm running short on time. Love you all!
Mmmm… Reviewalicious…
BlueAloe: You think so? The poem was just thrown on there… I do like the title. I tried to convey the fact that Van was unsure what to think about Dilandau. He was fine with him until that whole… crazy… death threat thing. I think I'd be a little wary of him after that as well. And Dilandau was an ADORABLE baby. ^_^ I can just see his cute little wispy hair and that one tooth… ^-^ The Van-Folken subtext is one I tried very hard to play up. It seems as if I got off on the right foot! ;_; (tears of happiness)
Eboni: Don't do evil stuff!!! (covers face) Close second! Woohoo!! I think Folken was my second fave after Dilandau too, although I didn't laugh when he died. (for shame!) Van's way too skinny for a belly, you're right. I hope you're sufficiently impressed by this last witness. (worries) I tried my best!
Etowato: You just like it because it was made-to-order for you. ^^;; I wish I could mention Dilandau's father, but he's really not a factor in the story. Allen's more of a father-figure to Dilandau than his real father could ever be, and Dilandau has real problems with authority. The Caeli knights being what they are, (largely ornamental, the title being just a decoration most of the time) I don't think his father would be the kind of guy to want to hang out and have to pick fights with his son all the time. Add to that the fact that Celena has such a close relationship with Dilandau, and not so close of one with her husband, it makes for a very sad daddy. Poor guy.. The fangirl Japanese was rather necessary. The word aniue is just… cool… I love that word, and the way Van always says it. And I assumed you had meant Good…
Feye Morgan: I'll miss you!! It'll be a while before you even read this. ;_; Sad. You thought it fit! I'm glad. I was really struggling for a while. But then the metaphor on this one hit me, and it was so perfect that I decided to put it in. I tried my best to make Folken and Van interact in the most poignant way possible without making it cheesy. I'm glad you liked it. It almost made me cry while writing it. ;_; I felt their pain, too. Yeah, I thought I'd put that. I left most of Dilandau's toddler-hood out of it, and I wanted to put some more in. I'll see you next time! Come back soon!!!
Shy Violet: Well, the Trial isn't meant to be like real life, which is why I established before the defense started calling witnesses that Dilandau was the judge, because these witnesses are more for him than anything. None of this stuff would even remotely fly in a real court. I get what you're saying about Jesse James and all. ^_^ That was the look I was going for. And with Allen and the insanity thing, Folken was trying to catch him in a lose-lose situation. Whatever he said it wasn't good, so he just said the thing that would hurt Dilandau the least. And I'd like to think there's enough space between Dilandau and the memories of his former life to keep him from going crazy again. But then… Well, we'll just have to see in the next chapter, won't we?