Traces of Love
Author: Orrymain
Author Email: marciastudley@comcast.net (Feedback welcome)
Category: Pre-Slash, Missing Scene, POV (Daniel)
Pairing: Jack/Daniel .... and it's all J/D
Rating: PG-13
Season: 1 - September 1997 (Present day thinking back to that time)
Spoilers: Thor's Hammer
Size: 17kb, short story
Written: August 10-26 2003
Archive: Area52, Comfort Zone, FanFiction.Net, Cartouche, AlphaGate, TheBoy
Disclaimer: Usual disclaimers -- not mine, wish they were, especially Daniel, and Jack, too, but they aren't. This was a whim; all in fun. I don't have anything to do with them legally!
Summary: Jack puts Daniel to the test and then has to deal with the aftermath.
Notes: Thanks to Judy who urged me to shorten an epic into smaller fics. This is the one of the results.
Traces of Love
by Orrymain
It was crazy. We walked onto P3X-974, better known as Cimmeria, and were laughed at. Jack took it in stride. I admit I was confused. I wish I had stayed confused instead of switching to being scared out of my wits, but when Jack and Teal'c disappeared, I was really afraid they were dead, and it was going to be my fault because I'm the one who insisted we go to Cimmeria in the first place.
Sam was calm, her military mindset taking charge, but inside, I was a case of quivering jelly. Everyone I ever cared about died or went away, and now, Jack was gone, too, and I was only just beginning to realize how important the CO of SG-1 was to me.
Fortunately, it became clear from one of the locals, Gairwyn, that Jack and Teal'c had been zapped to some underground tunnel complex, courtesy of Thor's Hammer, a device intended to protect the Cimmerians.
Gairwyn took us to meet Kendra, and for the first time since I had lost Sha're, I could envision her coming back to me, because you see, Kendra had once been a host. Incredible as it seemed, it was true. She had been taken as a host, but Thor's Hammer helped her destroy the symbiote that ruled her, and now she was free, living her life of free will on P3X-974. I needed to bring Sha're here. I just needed to find her, and then we could be together again.
Kendra agreed to take Sam and I to the underground complex where she believed Jack and Teal'c could be found. She didn't want to go at first, and I can't say I blame her for being hesitant to go back there, but Kendra is a brave spirit, and a survivor, so she summoned her courage and led the way for Sam and I to find our friends.
Sam and I argued a lot as we travelled with Kendra. Kendra had some difficulty remembering how to get there and Sam suggested she might be stalling, but I was firm that we should trust her. I had real hope for the first time in months that we could save my wife, and nothing was going to deter me from finding the secret of the hammer, not even Sam's doubts.
I had to ask, had to know, so I asked Kendra if she thought there really was a chance for Sha're, and she said yes. It was all I needed.
When Sam wanted to turn back, believing I was clinging to a false hope, I protested adamantly, and finally asked her, "Haven't you ever had a feeling that made absolutely no logical sense and it turned out to be right?"
She had no comeback to that, not that I would have listened. I walked away, trailing Kendra, leaving Sam behind. She had no choice but to follow me.
Soon after we did find Jack and Teal'c, and Thor's Hammer. My heart pounded with joy. I just had to find Sha're. Then, Jack handed me the staff weapon, and my heart went from joy to despair in two seconds. I knew what he wanted me to do -- destroy the hammer.
Jack's eyes met mine in a chilling moment of revelation. I had to sacrifice a chance at saving Sha're when we found her for the certainty of saving Teal'c now.
On a deeper level, it was a test. Always the military power, always the CO, Jack had to know I'd do as he asked, that I'd put aside my personal desires for the team. Truth be told, I guess I had to know I'd do it, too. It was probably the single most difficult thing I had ever had to do at that point in my life, but I did it.
And then we went home, leaving Gairwyn the new Sagan Institute Box to give to the Asgard, hoping we'd somehow be able to communicate with them one day. I had to focus on that, the hope of our successful explorations, and not the loss that was overwhelming me. It hurt, but what good would it do to let anyone see that?
When the hammer was destroyed, I covered my hurt, "Well at least we know it can be done, right?," I asked Teal'c, not expecting an answer. And then I concentrated on the box we left to Gairwyn.
We returned to the SGC, and General Hammond was there waiting.
"It was a picnic, a breeze, General," Jack scoffed. The General knew Jack was being a smart-alec.
"Briefing in one hour."
Sam and Teal'c walked towards the exit and I started to follow, but I felt Jack's hand on my shoulder.
"You okay?"
"Sure, Jack, I'm fine."
And I walked away, leaving him standing there. Jack already knew me better than I knew myself. He knew "I'm fine" meant anything but that. I saw the concern, but I couldn't focus on Jack. I had lost Sha're again, and it was because of me. I insisted we go to Cimmeria, and I destroyed the hammer. I had condemned Sha're to remain in her nightmare as an unwilling host to an evil parasite.
The briefing went smoothly, until we got to the part about the hammer. Everyone seemed uncomfortable then. Jack kept looking at me. Sam was shooting daggers at Jack, and Teal'c seemed to find the wall a fascinating place to look. Hammond knew something was off, and I didn't want to sit at that table all afternoon, so I bit the bullet and said what needed to be said.
"General, we found Jack and Teal'c in the complex that Kendra led us to. The device prevents a Goa'uld from ever leaving. The host has to be very strong to win the struggle. It's almost impossible to do (*but Kendra did it*, I thought silently as I hesitated in my commentary). The only sure way we knew we could free Teal'c would be to destroy the hammer, so I took the staff weapon and fired it."
Jack was still staring at me. Sam was looking down, shuffling some papers. I could swear she had tears in her eyes. Teal'c was still focused on the wall, and I just wanted to go home.
The General dismissed us, and I hurried to the locker room. I changed clothes, and was headed for the exit when I thought about Jack. He deserved more than my flippant "I'm fine" that I gave him at the gate. Jack wasn't the kind to wear his heart on his sleeve. He wasn't outspoken with his feelings or emotions, so for him to reach out to me like that was a pretty big deal. I owed him more than to dismiss him the way I had, so I decided to go to his office and maybe invite him over for Chinese so we could talk.
I could hear voices coming from Jack's office as I approached. It was Jack and Sam. They were almost arguing, their voices sharp. They never saw me standing at the edge of the doorway, listening to their "discussion".
"Sir, I don't understand why you had to make Daniel destroy the hammer. I could have done it, or you. Why put him through that?"
"Carter, he had to know he could do it, make the hard choice."
"You doubted him, Sir? I thought you trusted Daniel."
"I do, Carter, with my life. But he needs to trust himself, not rely on my trust for him, which he still isn't sure of."
"I know it's been hard for Daniel, but Sha're. Sir, do you know what that must have done to him, to have to destroy the one thing that might save her if we find her?"
"When ... When we find her, Carter, not if. I promised Daniel we'd get her back, and we're going to, and when we do, we'll ... figure out something, but right now, my first responsibility is to the team, and so is Daniel's, and he has to know, one hundred percent, that he can make the tough call."
"Sir, he's not you. He's not military. Why should he have to act like it?"
"Because, Carter, when we're out there, on some Twilight Zone of a planet, we never know what is going to happen. We have to trust each other, count on each other, know without a doubt, that when it gets rough, no one will back away.
"Look, Carter, you're right. Daniel isn't military, and that puts him at a bit of a disadvantage to anyone looking in. But we're better with him, than without him. I had to know, though, and more importantly, Daniel had to know, that when push came to shove, that he could shove right along with us. After today, he knows that, and so do we."
"I still think you were wrong, Sir. His ... his eyes. How can you ignore the pain that you, that we put there because of this? And how do we explain to Sha're that her husband destroyed the machine that could free her from the Goa'uld?"
"Carter, for crying out loud, we'll deal with it when we find her. Sha're ... Sha're is a strong woman. She'll understand, just like Daniel does."
"Are you sure about that, Colonel? Are you sure Daniel understands?"
"I ... I hope so, Carter. I'm going home. Your complaint is duly noted. You can add it to your report if you like."
"No, Sir, I just ... just wanted to know why you did it. He's ... he's your friend, Sir."
"He's my best friend, Carter, and no one is more surprised at that than me, so now if you'll excuse me."
"Goodnight, Sir."
I ducked into an unlocked office just in time. I didn't want them to see me. I just wanted to disappear. I wasn't sure how I felt about destroying the hammer, or Jack's asking me, no, ordering me, to. All I knew for certain in that moment is that I missed Sha're and wanted her back.
That night I was sitting out on my apartment balcony, thinking about Sha're and what had happened, when there was a knock on the door. I didn't answer it, but the knock persisted, getting louder and harder. I have to admit I smiled. I knew it was Jack, and I knew he'd stay there as long as it took to get me to answer the door.
"Daniel," Jack shouted through the door, "I'll stand out here all night if I have to, so you might as well open up."
I admit it. I smiled again. I was right. Funny how I was both depressed about my life and yet happy at Jack's words yelled through the door at the same time.
Slowly, I arose from my seated position and ambled over to the door as Jack kept up his pounding, his last forward motion almost hitting my nose as I pulled open the door.
"Geez, Daniel, next time warn a guy. I almost hit you."
"Sorry, Jack. What's that?"
"Pizza. Beer. You know ... the usual."
Crazy as it might sound, pizza and beer had become "the usual" whenever SG-1 had faced some nasty nightmare. It was comfort food.
Jack made himself at home, and I let him. It never dawned on me at the time that Jack was the only one I ever let this close to me or in my space. I was pretty guarded, especially back then, but somehow, from the beginning, My Jack flew under the radar, tearing down whatever defenses I tried to put up to keep him and others away.
We were still feeling our away along the galaxy, and each other, when the events on Cimmeria occurred. Jack didn't know I had heard his disagreement with Sam; he didn't know what I was thinking. I saw the uncertainty in his face as he tried to bluff his way through our late night pizza with an air of confidence.
We played a game of Chess, something else that had become part of "the usual". I won. Jack cringed.
"We need to find a game I can win sometimes, Danny."
"How about Gin, Jack? I'm not very good at that."
"Good, let's play that next time. Give my deflated ego a bit of a boost."
I laughed, "Sure, Jack, anything you say."
We both sat down on my sofa, Jack with his beer, and me with a drink of wine, and settled into a silent commiseration of unspoken thoughts.
"Daniel," Jack leaned forward putting his emptied beer onto my coffee table, "I ... I'm sorry about the hammer. I do know, Daniel, what that could have meant for Sha're. But Teal'c ..."
"... is here now, Jack. Yes, I know."
"Daniel ..."
"Jack," I stood up and began pacing back and forth between an arm chair and my piano, "I know why you wanted me to be the one to destroy Thor's Hammer. I ... I understand that I needed to prove myself to you ..."
"Daniel, it's not ..."
"Jack, listen, please," I pleaded, cutting off the man who would one day be my lover. He nodded, and sat back on the couch, waiting for me to continue.
I spoke softly, but firmly.
"It's okay, Jack. Yes, I'm ... depressed a little. I ... we found something that could save my wife, free her from the parasite that makes her a slave and keeps her away from me now. It's ... a ... it's a hard thing, Jack, to know we finally came across a weapon that could destroy the Goa'uld, and give me back Sha're, and yet, we had to destroy it. I wasn't sure I could do it, Jack. When you handed me the staff weapon, I knew what you wanted. I knew why. I ... I hated that staff. I hated myself, and ... I ... I guess I ..."
I couldn't say it, but bless my tough-as-nails Colonel, he could.
"... and you hated me."
I stopped my pacing, looked up as I folded my arms around my chest to protect me.
What if Jack didn't understand my hatred of the moment? What if I said the wrong thing? What if my best friend ...
The thought froze in my mind. Earlier in the day, Jack had told Sam I was his best friend. I had been stunned, and I realized now that as opposed as we were in our ideology and beliefs, the man sitting in front of me was my best friend. I chuckled.
"Daniel, hating me makes you laugh?"
"No, I'm sorry, Jack, I wasn't thinking about that."
He looked so confused and I couldn't blame him. My mind had jumped from Cimmeria to the warmth of friendship in a matter of seconds. How could he know that?
"What were you thinking about, Daniel?"
"Friendship."
"Oh," Jack flinched, and turned his head to look out the glass patio door.
I smiled and went back to the couch and sat down, close to Jack, so our shoulders touched. It was something he had begun when I came back from Abydos. During our toughest moments, especially if he was worried about me, he'd always sit by my side, not trying to invade my personal space, but close enough so that we brushed each other's sides. It was a symbol, I guess, of ... caring, of saying "I'm here." By doing this small act then, I wanted Jack to know we were okay.
"Jack, for a split second of time, yes, I hated you, me, Sam, Teal'c. Jack, I hated the entire universe for taking away what might be our only chance to save Sha're. But, you were right about Teal'c. We can't live in possibilities and dreams. We have to do what is right, now, even when it's ... hard. You needed to know I knew that, right?"
Jack was leaning forward again, his hands clasped in front of him. He was twisting and rubbing his fingers together.
"I wish, Daniel, it could have been different."
"I know, but wishes ... wishes are only wishes, Jack. You did the right thing, and so did I."
Jack looked at me and smiled.
"I trust you with my life, Daniel. I hope you know that. I'm ... I'm not good with words, at saying what I feel or how I think. That's your department. But ..."
Jack's voice trailed off as he turned back to the patio door, and I could hear his breathing deepen, trying to ... no, I had to be imagining that. Jack and I were close, but ...
I couldn't finish my thought either, so I took a deep breath myself, and decided it was time to forge ahead.
"C'mon, Jack, I'm going to deflate the ego of yours some more and beat you at your own game."
I stood and walked towards a cabinet, opening it to pull out what I needed.
"And what game is that?"
"Gin."
"Oh, no, that's my game, Dannyboy. You're out for the count before you start."
"Oh, I don't think so, O'Neill."
The challenge was on. Jack won, of course. He's good at Gin, almost as good as me. Someday I might tell him that I won three college championships at Gin at Oxford. No, he likes beating me too much, and I love him when he gets so ... cocky, pardon the intended pun.
As I lay here now on our large bed, tracing my sleeping lover's face, remembering that time on Cimmeria that had been the first real test of our friendship, I smile in the memory, not in the sadness or loss of what it meant to Shar'e, but in the memory of the love that was edging to the surface even then between My Jack and I.
I place a kiss on his cheek and settle my head on his sexy chest, running my fingers through his gray hairs. I love doing this, love being here like this, with My Jack. I feel his lips on my head, a kiss on my hair. I guess he wasn't asleep.
"Love you, Danny," he says.
"Love you, Jack," I say, my heart grinning with happiness that those traces of love were never erased or detoured. It just doesn't get any better than this, than being loved by Jack O'Neill.
~~Finis - Finished - Done - The End - But is it ever Really?~~
Author: Orrymain
Author Email: marciastudley@comcast.net (Feedback welcome)
Category: Pre-Slash, Missing Scene, POV (Daniel)
Pairing: Jack/Daniel .... and it's all J/D
Rating: PG-13
Season: 1 - September 1997 (Present day thinking back to that time)
Spoilers: Thor's Hammer
Size: 17kb, short story
Written: August 10-26 2003
Archive: Area52, Comfort Zone, FanFiction.Net, Cartouche, AlphaGate, TheBoy
Disclaimer: Usual disclaimers -- not mine, wish they were, especially Daniel, and Jack, too, but they aren't. This was a whim; all in fun. I don't have anything to do with them legally!
Summary: Jack puts Daniel to the test and then has to deal with the aftermath.
Notes: Thanks to Judy who urged me to shorten an epic into smaller fics. This is the one of the results.
Traces of Love
by Orrymain
It was crazy. We walked onto P3X-974, better known as Cimmeria, and were laughed at. Jack took it in stride. I admit I was confused. I wish I had stayed confused instead of switching to being scared out of my wits, but when Jack and Teal'c disappeared, I was really afraid they were dead, and it was going to be my fault because I'm the one who insisted we go to Cimmeria in the first place.
Sam was calm, her military mindset taking charge, but inside, I was a case of quivering jelly. Everyone I ever cared about died or went away, and now, Jack was gone, too, and I was only just beginning to realize how important the CO of SG-1 was to me.
Fortunately, it became clear from one of the locals, Gairwyn, that Jack and Teal'c had been zapped to some underground tunnel complex, courtesy of Thor's Hammer, a device intended to protect the Cimmerians.
Gairwyn took us to meet Kendra, and for the first time since I had lost Sha're, I could envision her coming back to me, because you see, Kendra had once been a host. Incredible as it seemed, it was true. She had been taken as a host, but Thor's Hammer helped her destroy the symbiote that ruled her, and now she was free, living her life of free will on P3X-974. I needed to bring Sha're here. I just needed to find her, and then we could be together again.
Kendra agreed to take Sam and I to the underground complex where she believed Jack and Teal'c could be found. She didn't want to go at first, and I can't say I blame her for being hesitant to go back there, but Kendra is a brave spirit, and a survivor, so she summoned her courage and led the way for Sam and I to find our friends.
Sam and I argued a lot as we travelled with Kendra. Kendra had some difficulty remembering how to get there and Sam suggested she might be stalling, but I was firm that we should trust her. I had real hope for the first time in months that we could save my wife, and nothing was going to deter me from finding the secret of the hammer, not even Sam's doubts.
I had to ask, had to know, so I asked Kendra if she thought there really was a chance for Sha're, and she said yes. It was all I needed.
When Sam wanted to turn back, believing I was clinging to a false hope, I protested adamantly, and finally asked her, "Haven't you ever had a feeling that made absolutely no logical sense and it turned out to be right?"
She had no comeback to that, not that I would have listened. I walked away, trailing Kendra, leaving Sam behind. She had no choice but to follow me.
Soon after we did find Jack and Teal'c, and Thor's Hammer. My heart pounded with joy. I just had to find Sha're. Then, Jack handed me the staff weapon, and my heart went from joy to despair in two seconds. I knew what he wanted me to do -- destroy the hammer.
Jack's eyes met mine in a chilling moment of revelation. I had to sacrifice a chance at saving Sha're when we found her for the certainty of saving Teal'c now.
On a deeper level, it was a test. Always the military power, always the CO, Jack had to know I'd do as he asked, that I'd put aside my personal desires for the team. Truth be told, I guess I had to know I'd do it, too. It was probably the single most difficult thing I had ever had to do at that point in my life, but I did it.
And then we went home, leaving Gairwyn the new Sagan Institute Box to give to the Asgard, hoping we'd somehow be able to communicate with them one day. I had to focus on that, the hope of our successful explorations, and not the loss that was overwhelming me. It hurt, but what good would it do to let anyone see that?
When the hammer was destroyed, I covered my hurt, "Well at least we know it can be done, right?," I asked Teal'c, not expecting an answer. And then I concentrated on the box we left to Gairwyn.
We returned to the SGC, and General Hammond was there waiting.
"It was a picnic, a breeze, General," Jack scoffed. The General knew Jack was being a smart-alec.
"Briefing in one hour."
Sam and Teal'c walked towards the exit and I started to follow, but I felt Jack's hand on my shoulder.
"You okay?"
"Sure, Jack, I'm fine."
And I walked away, leaving him standing there. Jack already knew me better than I knew myself. He knew "I'm fine" meant anything but that. I saw the concern, but I couldn't focus on Jack. I had lost Sha're again, and it was because of me. I insisted we go to Cimmeria, and I destroyed the hammer. I had condemned Sha're to remain in her nightmare as an unwilling host to an evil parasite.
The briefing went smoothly, until we got to the part about the hammer. Everyone seemed uncomfortable then. Jack kept looking at me. Sam was shooting daggers at Jack, and Teal'c seemed to find the wall a fascinating place to look. Hammond knew something was off, and I didn't want to sit at that table all afternoon, so I bit the bullet and said what needed to be said.
"General, we found Jack and Teal'c in the complex that Kendra led us to. The device prevents a Goa'uld from ever leaving. The host has to be very strong to win the struggle. It's almost impossible to do (*but Kendra did it*, I thought silently as I hesitated in my commentary). The only sure way we knew we could free Teal'c would be to destroy the hammer, so I took the staff weapon and fired it."
Jack was still staring at me. Sam was looking down, shuffling some papers. I could swear she had tears in her eyes. Teal'c was still focused on the wall, and I just wanted to go home.
The General dismissed us, and I hurried to the locker room. I changed clothes, and was headed for the exit when I thought about Jack. He deserved more than my flippant "I'm fine" that I gave him at the gate. Jack wasn't the kind to wear his heart on his sleeve. He wasn't outspoken with his feelings or emotions, so for him to reach out to me like that was a pretty big deal. I owed him more than to dismiss him the way I had, so I decided to go to his office and maybe invite him over for Chinese so we could talk.
I could hear voices coming from Jack's office as I approached. It was Jack and Sam. They were almost arguing, their voices sharp. They never saw me standing at the edge of the doorway, listening to their "discussion".
"Sir, I don't understand why you had to make Daniel destroy the hammer. I could have done it, or you. Why put him through that?"
"Carter, he had to know he could do it, make the hard choice."
"You doubted him, Sir? I thought you trusted Daniel."
"I do, Carter, with my life. But he needs to trust himself, not rely on my trust for him, which he still isn't sure of."
"I know it's been hard for Daniel, but Sha're. Sir, do you know what that must have done to him, to have to destroy the one thing that might save her if we find her?"
"When ... When we find her, Carter, not if. I promised Daniel we'd get her back, and we're going to, and when we do, we'll ... figure out something, but right now, my first responsibility is to the team, and so is Daniel's, and he has to know, one hundred percent, that he can make the tough call."
"Sir, he's not you. He's not military. Why should he have to act like it?"
"Because, Carter, when we're out there, on some Twilight Zone of a planet, we never know what is going to happen. We have to trust each other, count on each other, know without a doubt, that when it gets rough, no one will back away.
"Look, Carter, you're right. Daniel isn't military, and that puts him at a bit of a disadvantage to anyone looking in. But we're better with him, than without him. I had to know, though, and more importantly, Daniel had to know, that when push came to shove, that he could shove right along with us. After today, he knows that, and so do we."
"I still think you were wrong, Sir. His ... his eyes. How can you ignore the pain that you, that we put there because of this? And how do we explain to Sha're that her husband destroyed the machine that could free her from the Goa'uld?"
"Carter, for crying out loud, we'll deal with it when we find her. Sha're ... Sha're is a strong woman. She'll understand, just like Daniel does."
"Are you sure about that, Colonel? Are you sure Daniel understands?"
"I ... I hope so, Carter. I'm going home. Your complaint is duly noted. You can add it to your report if you like."
"No, Sir, I just ... just wanted to know why you did it. He's ... he's your friend, Sir."
"He's my best friend, Carter, and no one is more surprised at that than me, so now if you'll excuse me."
"Goodnight, Sir."
I ducked into an unlocked office just in time. I didn't want them to see me. I just wanted to disappear. I wasn't sure how I felt about destroying the hammer, or Jack's asking me, no, ordering me, to. All I knew for certain in that moment is that I missed Sha're and wanted her back.
That night I was sitting out on my apartment balcony, thinking about Sha're and what had happened, when there was a knock on the door. I didn't answer it, but the knock persisted, getting louder and harder. I have to admit I smiled. I knew it was Jack, and I knew he'd stay there as long as it took to get me to answer the door.
"Daniel," Jack shouted through the door, "I'll stand out here all night if I have to, so you might as well open up."
I admit it. I smiled again. I was right. Funny how I was both depressed about my life and yet happy at Jack's words yelled through the door at the same time.
Slowly, I arose from my seated position and ambled over to the door as Jack kept up his pounding, his last forward motion almost hitting my nose as I pulled open the door.
"Geez, Daniel, next time warn a guy. I almost hit you."
"Sorry, Jack. What's that?"
"Pizza. Beer. You know ... the usual."
Crazy as it might sound, pizza and beer had become "the usual" whenever SG-1 had faced some nasty nightmare. It was comfort food.
Jack made himself at home, and I let him. It never dawned on me at the time that Jack was the only one I ever let this close to me or in my space. I was pretty guarded, especially back then, but somehow, from the beginning, My Jack flew under the radar, tearing down whatever defenses I tried to put up to keep him and others away.
We were still feeling our away along the galaxy, and each other, when the events on Cimmeria occurred. Jack didn't know I had heard his disagreement with Sam; he didn't know what I was thinking. I saw the uncertainty in his face as he tried to bluff his way through our late night pizza with an air of confidence.
We played a game of Chess, something else that had become part of "the usual". I won. Jack cringed.
"We need to find a game I can win sometimes, Danny."
"How about Gin, Jack? I'm not very good at that."
"Good, let's play that next time. Give my deflated ego a bit of a boost."
I laughed, "Sure, Jack, anything you say."
We both sat down on my sofa, Jack with his beer, and me with a drink of wine, and settled into a silent commiseration of unspoken thoughts.
"Daniel," Jack leaned forward putting his emptied beer onto my coffee table, "I ... I'm sorry about the hammer. I do know, Daniel, what that could have meant for Sha're. But Teal'c ..."
"... is here now, Jack. Yes, I know."
"Daniel ..."
"Jack," I stood up and began pacing back and forth between an arm chair and my piano, "I know why you wanted me to be the one to destroy Thor's Hammer. I ... I understand that I needed to prove myself to you ..."
"Daniel, it's not ..."
"Jack, listen, please," I pleaded, cutting off the man who would one day be my lover. He nodded, and sat back on the couch, waiting for me to continue.
I spoke softly, but firmly.
"It's okay, Jack. Yes, I'm ... depressed a little. I ... we found something that could save my wife, free her from the parasite that makes her a slave and keeps her away from me now. It's ... a ... it's a hard thing, Jack, to know we finally came across a weapon that could destroy the Goa'uld, and give me back Sha're, and yet, we had to destroy it. I wasn't sure I could do it, Jack. When you handed me the staff weapon, I knew what you wanted. I knew why. I ... I hated that staff. I hated myself, and ... I ... I guess I ..."
I couldn't say it, but bless my tough-as-nails Colonel, he could.
"... and you hated me."
I stopped my pacing, looked up as I folded my arms around my chest to protect me.
What if Jack didn't understand my hatred of the moment? What if I said the wrong thing? What if my best friend ...
The thought froze in my mind. Earlier in the day, Jack had told Sam I was his best friend. I had been stunned, and I realized now that as opposed as we were in our ideology and beliefs, the man sitting in front of me was my best friend. I chuckled.
"Daniel, hating me makes you laugh?"
"No, I'm sorry, Jack, I wasn't thinking about that."
He looked so confused and I couldn't blame him. My mind had jumped from Cimmeria to the warmth of friendship in a matter of seconds. How could he know that?
"What were you thinking about, Daniel?"
"Friendship."
"Oh," Jack flinched, and turned his head to look out the glass patio door.
I smiled and went back to the couch and sat down, close to Jack, so our shoulders touched. It was something he had begun when I came back from Abydos. During our toughest moments, especially if he was worried about me, he'd always sit by my side, not trying to invade my personal space, but close enough so that we brushed each other's sides. It was a symbol, I guess, of ... caring, of saying "I'm here." By doing this small act then, I wanted Jack to know we were okay.
"Jack, for a split second of time, yes, I hated you, me, Sam, Teal'c. Jack, I hated the entire universe for taking away what might be our only chance to save Sha're. But, you were right about Teal'c. We can't live in possibilities and dreams. We have to do what is right, now, even when it's ... hard. You needed to know I knew that, right?"
Jack was leaning forward again, his hands clasped in front of him. He was twisting and rubbing his fingers together.
"I wish, Daniel, it could have been different."
"I know, but wishes ... wishes are only wishes, Jack. You did the right thing, and so did I."
Jack looked at me and smiled.
"I trust you with my life, Daniel. I hope you know that. I'm ... I'm not good with words, at saying what I feel or how I think. That's your department. But ..."
Jack's voice trailed off as he turned back to the patio door, and I could hear his breathing deepen, trying to ... no, I had to be imagining that. Jack and I were close, but ...
I couldn't finish my thought either, so I took a deep breath myself, and decided it was time to forge ahead.
"C'mon, Jack, I'm going to deflate the ego of yours some more and beat you at your own game."
I stood and walked towards a cabinet, opening it to pull out what I needed.
"And what game is that?"
"Gin."
"Oh, no, that's my game, Dannyboy. You're out for the count before you start."
"Oh, I don't think so, O'Neill."
The challenge was on. Jack won, of course. He's good at Gin, almost as good as me. Someday I might tell him that I won three college championships at Gin at Oxford. No, he likes beating me too much, and I love him when he gets so ... cocky, pardon the intended pun.
As I lay here now on our large bed, tracing my sleeping lover's face, remembering that time on Cimmeria that had been the first real test of our friendship, I smile in the memory, not in the sadness or loss of what it meant to Shar'e, but in the memory of the love that was edging to the surface even then between My Jack and I.
I place a kiss on his cheek and settle my head on his sexy chest, running my fingers through his gray hairs. I love doing this, love being here like this, with My Jack. I feel his lips on my head, a kiss on my hair. I guess he wasn't asleep.
"Love you, Danny," he says.
"Love you, Jack," I say, my heart grinning with happiness that those traces of love were never erased or detoured. It just doesn't get any better than this, than being loved by Jack O'Neill.
~~Finis - Finished - Done - The End - But is it ever Really?~~