TITLE: Never Say Goodbye
AUTHOR: Amarna
E-MAIL: amarna_lupin@pop.com.br
DISCLAIMER: The characters from the Harry Potter are property of J. K. Rowling and all associated publishers (including Scholastic Press, Bloomsburg, and Raincoast). Possible original characters would be my own.
No money is being made with this (who would buy this?!) and surely no infrigement is intended.
RATING: PG
CATEGORY: Songfic
SPOILERS: 5th book
SUMMARY: the feelings of a certain werewolf on the departure of his friend
NOTES: the song is Could It Be Any Harder, by The Calling
Never Say Goodbye
You left me with goodbye and open arms / A cut so deep I don't deserve / Well, you were always invincible in my eyes / And the only thing against us now is time
Remus apparated in front of Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place and took a good look at the place from outside before placing a shaking hand to the serpent shaped doorknob. He entered the hall and looked around. Looked at the walls, that now seemed even more scratched and old, the smell of mould was more accentuated, the chandelier looked even more cobwebby. The entire house felt different now, it was not the same place he had left earlier, and would never be again, as he left accompanied and came back alone. He left that house in company of an old friend, his best friend, that wouldn't be coming back. Ever. A silent tear rolled down Remus' face and he dried it violently. He needed to be strong. They were still fighting a war, there were still lives to be saved, even though he couldn't do nothing to save the life of the one person he loved the most in this world.
Sirius always seemed immortal, always so secure of himself. And after twelve years in Azkaban, he managed to escape. Then Remus was sure he was invincible.
But now Sirius was gone and would never come back.
Could it be any harder to say goodbye / And without you / Could it be any harder to watch you go / To face what's true / If I only had one more day
Every time Remus thought about it he felt like breaking something, kicking the first thing in sight. He had gone through this before, thought he had lost all his friends, that he was left behind, and when, out of nowhere, he gained his best friend back, it was only to be abruptly taken away.
This world is so futile, Remus thought. You fight to win, then you lose, and then you lose some more, and when you think you're finally winning this weird game of life, you lose again. What's the purpose of so much fear, anger, pain and doubt?
I lie down and blind myself with laughter / A quick fix of hope is what I'm needing / Now I wish I could turn back the hours / But I know I just don't have the power
He went towards the kitchen and sat at the table. Reminisces of their time at Hogwarts going through his mind, and a smile crossed his lips. He remembered their adventures outside school, when they all felt immortal, felt as nothing could take away the happiness that filled themselves just for being there, with their best friends, having fun, though Voldemort was probably even stronger then. There was no pain, no doubt, nothing, just them living from day to day, not really worrying with the future. It would come one day and they would deal with it then. But now was that future and Remus didn't seem like he was going to be able to deal with it. All crazy thoughts crossed his mind, like going behind the veil, maybe he would be able to pull Sirius back. Or maybe use a time-turner... They should do something! He was willing to take Sirius place, to die for him, but he knew he wouldn't be allowed, and Sirius would never let him do something like that.
If I only had one more day / I'd jump at the chance / We'd drink and we'd dance / And I'd listen close to your every word / As if it's your last, well I know it's your last / 'Cause today you're gone
What wouldn't he give to at least see him again... He thought about the time-turner again, just to take a good look at his face so he would remember every line, or to listen to his voice again so it would never really leave his ears. To sit and drink a butterbeer and remember the old days, the old pranks, the days of living life to the fullest. Now there wasn't more single tears, he was crying hard, his tears falling down at the table, and his eyes closing. And all the events of the previous night ran through his mind. The talking, then rushing to the Department of Mysteries, Harry was in trouble, Sirius duelling Bellatrix... and the fateful Veil. Something that looked so innocent but that took his friend away.
Could it be any harder to live my life without you? / Could it be any harder? / I'm all alone, I'm all alone / Like sand on my feet, the smell of sweet perfume / Will stick to me forever, baby / I wish you didn't go, I wish you didn't go / I wish you didn't go away
He would give everything to not feel like he was feeling now, lonely, lost, fragile. Could he fight another war alone? Could he take care of Harry like Sirius would?
He felt his insides burning. He wanted to scream, shout and tell the world how deeply, how greatly he missed his mate and how the thought of never touching him again, never hugging him again was killing him, was making him rotten inside. But Remus wasn't the kind to shout in this kind of situations. He was always the righteous, the sanity when madness was all there was.
He felt so hopeless. He wanted to lie down and never wake up again. Nobody would miss him. Nobody cared. He should have gone in the first place, spare himself and the others from the pain of losing Sirius. Oh, and he would see him again!
Remus line of thought was cut off by a sound coming from the hall. He went to investigate the source of the noise and found a pair of spread arms, inviting him for a hug.
- I'm so sorry.
It was Tonks. Good, old Tonks. Her hair now dark and long, and she looked so saddened. Remus accepted her arms around him. The warmth of her felt good, his heart felt a little lighter with the soft pounding of hers next to his, and as he felt life coming back to him, he felt he could go on. He was already feeling less hopeless, less angry, less lonely. He would overcome this, he had to.
And he also knew there would be a place where Sirius Black could never die, no matter what: in his heart.
To touch you again with life in your hands / It couldn't be any harder...