The Third
Dumbledore lowered his hands and surveyed Harry through his half-moon glasses. "It is time," he said, "for me to tell you what I should have told you five years ago, Harry--"
"Erm, yes sir?" Harry said nervously, flattening his fringe for no apparent reason and squirming like an overheated Longbottom in a dark and bubbling Potions Class. He wasn't feeling angry at all, for some strange reason, despite the fact that he'd been dragged here kicking and screaming, shouting "It's not Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix! It's Harry Potter and the Everlasting Temper Tantrum!"
"Hold on, excuse me for a moment while I go to the WC."
"Okay, sir."
A minute passed.
"Thank you," Dumbledore said. "Now then, I was going to tell you something wasn't I?"
"Yes, sir."
Dumbledore nodded. "Well, for starters, you're a complete berk and I want nothing more to do with you."
Harry Potter began to sweat profusely. Why was this happening to him?
"Secondly, I shall throw you to the will of Voldemort for my own reasons, as I am all-wise and all-knowing, however blasphemous that may seem, for it is true."
Harry Potter began to sweat even more profusely.
"He shall rape you and I shall laugh over my pretty pink fluffy pens before arriving with a magic poof who I will then invite to dinner."
"Not the fluffy pens! Not the poof!" Harry stumbled upwards, knocking over the chair he was sitting on, the clumsy oaf. "How could you?"
Harry Potter was sweating heavily, now.
"Oh yes!" Dumbledore said, "to see whether you fell anything which would mean that you are still human, I shall bring my nipple-pincers as well!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Harry Potter screamed, struggling to get to the door.
"Oh yes!" Dumbledore stood up, blue eyes flashing. "Concordantly... visa vi... ergo... Yes, visa vi, ergo... I shall sell you to the Malfoys and Professor Snape!"
"Aaaaaaaargh!" Harry tried to break out of the room. He had had enough! In a blind temper tantrum, reminiscent of a two year old in the sweetie aisle of Sainsbury's, he ripped off all the silver instruments from the top of the mantelpieces and roared out his rage like a mighty, male, lustful lion seeking a mate.
"Oh yes!" Dumbledore continued, "and to top it all, I shall poison your wretched godfather whom I hate also!"
That finally made the Wonder boy snap.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGG GGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Well, I never!" Said one of the portraits, for suddenly, Harry had turned into...
...The Hulk!
"HULK SMAAAAAAAAAAASH!" Harry the Hulk roared, green biceps bulging, torn robes fluttering as he moved. "HULK DESTWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOY!"
Suddenly, from the doors, windows, floors and ceilings, from helicopters and aeropads, cameramen came upon the scene. A grey-haired, orange skinned man came along with a large microphone. Climbing on a ladder to reach Harry the Hulk, he raised up Harry the Hulk's arm and took a large sniff at his armpit.
"Now that's one fresh pit!" He announced in a fake, middle-American accent, "for 24-hour lasting deoderant protection, remember to take SURE for men!"
They all cheered.
And the hateful music swelled.
~
I love those adverts.
Dumbledore lowered his hands and surveyed Harry through his half-moon glasses. "It is time," he said, "for me to tell you what I should have told you five years ago, Harry--"
"Erm, yes sir?" Harry said nervously, flattening his fringe for no apparent reason and squirming like an overheated Longbottom in a dark and bubbling Potions Class. He wasn't feeling angry at all, for some strange reason, despite the fact that he'd been dragged here kicking and screaming, shouting "It's not Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix! It's Harry Potter and the Everlasting Temper Tantrum!"
"Hold on, excuse me for a moment while I go to the WC."
"Okay, sir."
A minute passed.
"Thank you," Dumbledore said. "Now then, I was going to tell you something wasn't I?"
"Yes, sir."
Dumbledore nodded. "Well, for starters, you're a complete berk and I want nothing more to do with you."
Harry Potter began to sweat profusely. Why was this happening to him?
"Secondly, I shall throw you to the will of Voldemort for my own reasons, as I am all-wise and all-knowing, however blasphemous that may seem, for it is true."
Harry Potter began to sweat even more profusely.
"He shall rape you and I shall laugh over my pretty pink fluffy pens before arriving with a magic poof who I will then invite to dinner."
"Not the fluffy pens! Not the poof!" Harry stumbled upwards, knocking over the chair he was sitting on, the clumsy oaf. "How could you?"
Harry Potter was sweating heavily, now.
"Oh yes!" Dumbledore said, "to see whether you fell anything which would mean that you are still human, I shall bring my nipple-pincers as well!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Harry Potter screamed, struggling to get to the door.
"Oh yes!" Dumbledore stood up, blue eyes flashing. "Concordantly... visa vi... ergo... Yes, visa vi, ergo... I shall sell you to the Malfoys and Professor Snape!"
"Aaaaaaaargh!" Harry tried to break out of the room. He had had enough! In a blind temper tantrum, reminiscent of a two year old in the sweetie aisle of Sainsbury's, he ripped off all the silver instruments from the top of the mantelpieces and roared out his rage like a mighty, male, lustful lion seeking a mate.
"Oh yes!" Dumbledore continued, "and to top it all, I shall poison your wretched godfather whom I hate also!"
That finally made the Wonder boy snap.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGG GGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Well, I never!" Said one of the portraits, for suddenly, Harry had turned into...
...The Hulk!
"HULK SMAAAAAAAAAAASH!" Harry the Hulk roared, green biceps bulging, torn robes fluttering as he moved. "HULK DESTWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOY!"
Suddenly, from the doors, windows, floors and ceilings, from helicopters and aeropads, cameramen came upon the scene. A grey-haired, orange skinned man came along with a large microphone. Climbing on a ladder to reach Harry the Hulk, he raised up Harry the Hulk's arm and took a large sniff at his armpit.
"Now that's one fresh pit!" He announced in a fake, middle-American accent, "for 24-hour lasting deoderant protection, remember to take SURE for men!"
They all cheered.
And the hateful music swelled.
~
I love those adverts.