I awoke the next day to a melancholy feel. I seemed weighty, like I didn't
want to move. It was early in the morning, around 7 as I slowly swung my
legs over the side of the bed and stood. My eyes drooped, I wobbled for a
second, getting my balance.
I dressed in my usual grey kimono and walked downstairs to breakfast which
at this point was a drudgery. I didn't want to be there, in that room with
her, listening to the silence fill my ears, and knowing that I had caused
this awkwardness among us. She seemed to hurt as well; always acting so
passive around me, not speaking much. I just now, waited for the best
opportunity to apologize. I felt like someone looking for a job. more
here?????
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^*... Later I sat in my study, a cigarette dangling between my jaw. I for some reason moved to my desk where by my computer sat my favorite picture. The picture of the day when we all went to the zoo. Hatori, Tohru, Yuki, Kyo, and I all stood in the picture, our faces painted like zoo animals. Hatori stood the tallest in back of us while I was in back of Tohru, my arms around her as a friendly gesture, careful not to change. It was probably the only picture where Kyo and Yuki were not looking at each other evilly. Each one of us had a smile. I loved that picture. I remember, even to this day, what I felt when that picture was taken. It seemed like the first time I had ever been happy. Like true bliss. That was taken 4 months ago, but I still remeber what it felt like. That always sat by my computer; when I had no ideas for a story, that picture always gave me inspiration. I smiled for the first time in what seemed like an eternity.
The phone suddenly rang a few feet away from me in the hall. I slid open the fusuma and answered the phone. "Hello? Sohma." "Shiguuurrrreee," sang a familiar voice. "Aya? Is that you?" I asked. He chuckled. "Yes it is!" "I was wondering, could Mine and I come over later? Around 3?" "Yeah. Yeah, you can come over." "Thank you so much! I have the most wonderful of news!" Ayame sang over the line. "What is it?" I asked despondently. "Huh? You usually are so excited when there's something to be announced. Is anything wrong?" Aya asked. I sighed. "No. No, everything's fine, really." "All right then. I'll see you later! Bye bye!"
I set the phone down on the base and sighed. "Yuki!" I called. "Ayame is coming over later. I thought you might want to know!" There was something that sounded like a growl and I heard a 'boom' as he transformed. I peered in the kitchen to see Tohru. "Tohru, Ayame and Miss Kuramae are coming over later," I said. "Oh, okay. I'll make snacks then," she said. "Thanks," was all I said. Now, just looking at her hurt. I knew I had to apologize, but the timing wasn't right, and that drove me insane. Every time I saw her, every time something reminded me of her, every time her image popped in my head, I felt pain about it.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^*... The doorbell rang expectedly and Tohru opened it to reveal a very happy Ayame and Mine. "Hello Tohru. How are you?" he said in his usual cheerful manner. "I'm fine," she said as she bowed and then stepped aside for them to enter. "Wow! You know I've never been to Shigure's house, but it is a lot cleaner than I thought it would be!" Mine commented. "Oh, thank you," Tohru said with a smile. But I knew her smile was fake. I knew she was hurting just as bad as I was. I wasn't sure of the situation she was in, but I could tell, she hurt as well.
We sat at the large table with Yuki and Kyo, Aya and Mine sat next to each other. I could see them holding thier hands under the table. Mine was absolutely glowing. "We," Ayame began. "Well wait, who should tell?" he asked. "Um...well, you can tell," Mine said. "But no. You want to, don't you?" he asked. "You can tell; it's okay." "Oh, all right. Well, Mine and I, the both of us, are getting married!" he said loudly. I for one was very surprised at the news. I didn't expect this. But then this news also brought about sadness. I glanced over at Tohru. That sort of thing had only been something dealt with in fantasies. Something I never really thought would happen, but just hoped for hopelessly.
"Congratulations," I said dispirited. That response didn't seem to be what they expected. Aya looked at me, a little worried. "Huh? Shigure, are you sure you're all right? You've been acting down in the dumps since I called you earlier." I wanted to tell them: No! I'm miserable! I hate this! Why did you have to go and get married anyway, and remind me?! But I bit my tongue and lied. "I'm perfectly fine," I said convincingly with an artificial smile. Dropping the subject, they nodded. "So, how did you manage to get Akito to go allow it?" I asked, now curious. "Oh, Akito surprisingly had few objections. He said that there was obviously no way he could stop us. And besides, he seemed very engrossed with something else at the time," Ayame said. I nodded half-heartedly. "Well, I really think it's wonderful you two are getting married!" chimed Tohru a few feet away from me. "When is the date?" she asked. "It'll be a few months from now, I'd say probably sometime in March. So that's 6 months from now," Mine answered happily.
Yuki glanced over at his brother disdainfully and sighed. "Congratulations. You've finally found someone who can put up with you, but I sure don't know how," Yuki commented finally. "Pass me another jelly bun," Kyo said, reaching over. I settled into a softness as the room became one of a peaceful atmosphere except for Yuki and Kyo's occasional bickering that just blended into the background.
I became quiet. My mind was elsewhere, precisely three feet away from me sitting on a mat, smiling and talking to Aya and Mine about the wedding preparations. Right then, I had to contain myself from pulling her close and begging for forgiveness. It had been 8 days since that day. That day when she showed me the book. The memory was still fresh in my mind of what had happened, and now it had plunged us, Tohru and I, into a sea of sadness and despair. I felt hopeless. I realized only now, that I feel totally helpless and utterly defenseless when it's like this between us. She influences so much about me, without evening realizing it herself. And until only recently, I wasn't even aware of it myself; aware of the little things I did that I was influeneced through her.
"Gure-san? Shigure, what do you think?" Ayame asked me. I looked up. "Huh?" Ayame was showing me a picture of a wedding dress he thought would be nice for Mine to wear. "Oh, yes, that is a very nice dress. Good choice," I said, now becoming an active part of the conversation again. Ayame, as earlier, looked at me like I had some sort of pitiful disease. "Shigure, I'm worried about you. Now you may think I'm knitpicking, but you aren't usually so quiet. And you haven't told a single joke so far," Ayame accused. I laughed nostalgically. "I guess not."
"He's been like this all week. He hasn't told a single joke for eight days; it's frightening. He's been giving hardly autible let alone rational answers to questions too. I usually just ignore him," Yuki told Ayame. Tohru looked my way, a sad, worried expression on her face. But she remeained quiet and said notihng. "He hasn't been acting the same at all. He doesn't even try to stop us fighting," Kyo said, meaning Yuki, while munching on a jelly bun. I desperately needed this conversation to take a different turn than my recent behaviour. "So Aya, did you make Mine's dress yourself?" I asked in an attempt to turn the conversation. "Yes! Don't you think it looks lovely? It's very modern I should say without completely neglecting contemporary." And so on he went.
^^^^^^^^^^^^*... 2 hours later... Ayame and Mine have left... Glancing at the picture again, I felt that quickly passing sense of bliss once again. What was I waiting for? I asked myself. What was I waiting for? I could end it all right now, but I don't. I continue to torture myself over this. I just don't have the strength yet. I don't have the strength to tell her what I really feel. I knew that I had to end it soon. I had to apologize, and then tell her. Tell her the truth. And as much as my life may sink away, I can't do this to her, I can't do this to myself. Like Hatori said: "You're the only one who can solve this problem, Shigure. I think you secretly know what the best thing to do is. And you may sink yourself in even further, but you'll eventually rise up again."
Hey! The end of ch. 4! I wrote this all in two days and now here it is! I really hope you're liking this and thank you so much for the reviews! Ch. 5 coming soon! ~ Tsubasa
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^*... Later I sat in my study, a cigarette dangling between my jaw. I for some reason moved to my desk where by my computer sat my favorite picture. The picture of the day when we all went to the zoo. Hatori, Tohru, Yuki, Kyo, and I all stood in the picture, our faces painted like zoo animals. Hatori stood the tallest in back of us while I was in back of Tohru, my arms around her as a friendly gesture, careful not to change. It was probably the only picture where Kyo and Yuki were not looking at each other evilly. Each one of us had a smile. I loved that picture. I remember, even to this day, what I felt when that picture was taken. It seemed like the first time I had ever been happy. Like true bliss. That was taken 4 months ago, but I still remeber what it felt like. That always sat by my computer; when I had no ideas for a story, that picture always gave me inspiration. I smiled for the first time in what seemed like an eternity.
The phone suddenly rang a few feet away from me in the hall. I slid open the fusuma and answered the phone. "Hello? Sohma." "Shiguuurrrreee," sang a familiar voice. "Aya? Is that you?" I asked. He chuckled. "Yes it is!" "I was wondering, could Mine and I come over later? Around 3?" "Yeah. Yeah, you can come over." "Thank you so much! I have the most wonderful of news!" Ayame sang over the line. "What is it?" I asked despondently. "Huh? You usually are so excited when there's something to be announced. Is anything wrong?" Aya asked. I sighed. "No. No, everything's fine, really." "All right then. I'll see you later! Bye bye!"
I set the phone down on the base and sighed. "Yuki!" I called. "Ayame is coming over later. I thought you might want to know!" There was something that sounded like a growl and I heard a 'boom' as he transformed. I peered in the kitchen to see Tohru. "Tohru, Ayame and Miss Kuramae are coming over later," I said. "Oh, okay. I'll make snacks then," she said. "Thanks," was all I said. Now, just looking at her hurt. I knew I had to apologize, but the timing wasn't right, and that drove me insane. Every time I saw her, every time something reminded me of her, every time her image popped in my head, I felt pain about it.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^*... The doorbell rang expectedly and Tohru opened it to reveal a very happy Ayame and Mine. "Hello Tohru. How are you?" he said in his usual cheerful manner. "I'm fine," she said as she bowed and then stepped aside for them to enter. "Wow! You know I've never been to Shigure's house, but it is a lot cleaner than I thought it would be!" Mine commented. "Oh, thank you," Tohru said with a smile. But I knew her smile was fake. I knew she was hurting just as bad as I was. I wasn't sure of the situation she was in, but I could tell, she hurt as well.
We sat at the large table with Yuki and Kyo, Aya and Mine sat next to each other. I could see them holding thier hands under the table. Mine was absolutely glowing. "We," Ayame began. "Well wait, who should tell?" he asked. "Um...well, you can tell," Mine said. "But no. You want to, don't you?" he asked. "You can tell; it's okay." "Oh, all right. Well, Mine and I, the both of us, are getting married!" he said loudly. I for one was very surprised at the news. I didn't expect this. But then this news also brought about sadness. I glanced over at Tohru. That sort of thing had only been something dealt with in fantasies. Something I never really thought would happen, but just hoped for hopelessly.
"Congratulations," I said dispirited. That response didn't seem to be what they expected. Aya looked at me, a little worried. "Huh? Shigure, are you sure you're all right? You've been acting down in the dumps since I called you earlier." I wanted to tell them: No! I'm miserable! I hate this! Why did you have to go and get married anyway, and remind me?! But I bit my tongue and lied. "I'm perfectly fine," I said convincingly with an artificial smile. Dropping the subject, they nodded. "So, how did you manage to get Akito to go allow it?" I asked, now curious. "Oh, Akito surprisingly had few objections. He said that there was obviously no way he could stop us. And besides, he seemed very engrossed with something else at the time," Ayame said. I nodded half-heartedly. "Well, I really think it's wonderful you two are getting married!" chimed Tohru a few feet away from me. "When is the date?" she asked. "It'll be a few months from now, I'd say probably sometime in March. So that's 6 months from now," Mine answered happily.
Yuki glanced over at his brother disdainfully and sighed. "Congratulations. You've finally found someone who can put up with you, but I sure don't know how," Yuki commented finally. "Pass me another jelly bun," Kyo said, reaching over. I settled into a softness as the room became one of a peaceful atmosphere except for Yuki and Kyo's occasional bickering that just blended into the background.
I became quiet. My mind was elsewhere, precisely three feet away from me sitting on a mat, smiling and talking to Aya and Mine about the wedding preparations. Right then, I had to contain myself from pulling her close and begging for forgiveness. It had been 8 days since that day. That day when she showed me the book. The memory was still fresh in my mind of what had happened, and now it had plunged us, Tohru and I, into a sea of sadness and despair. I felt hopeless. I realized only now, that I feel totally helpless and utterly defenseless when it's like this between us. She influences so much about me, without evening realizing it herself. And until only recently, I wasn't even aware of it myself; aware of the little things I did that I was influeneced through her.
"Gure-san? Shigure, what do you think?" Ayame asked me. I looked up. "Huh?" Ayame was showing me a picture of a wedding dress he thought would be nice for Mine to wear. "Oh, yes, that is a very nice dress. Good choice," I said, now becoming an active part of the conversation again. Ayame, as earlier, looked at me like I had some sort of pitiful disease. "Shigure, I'm worried about you. Now you may think I'm knitpicking, but you aren't usually so quiet. And you haven't told a single joke so far," Ayame accused. I laughed nostalgically. "I guess not."
"He's been like this all week. He hasn't told a single joke for eight days; it's frightening. He's been giving hardly autible let alone rational answers to questions too. I usually just ignore him," Yuki told Ayame. Tohru looked my way, a sad, worried expression on her face. But she remeained quiet and said notihng. "He hasn't been acting the same at all. He doesn't even try to stop us fighting," Kyo said, meaning Yuki, while munching on a jelly bun. I desperately needed this conversation to take a different turn than my recent behaviour. "So Aya, did you make Mine's dress yourself?" I asked in an attempt to turn the conversation. "Yes! Don't you think it looks lovely? It's very modern I should say without completely neglecting contemporary." And so on he went.
^^^^^^^^^^^^*... 2 hours later... Ayame and Mine have left... Glancing at the picture again, I felt that quickly passing sense of bliss once again. What was I waiting for? I asked myself. What was I waiting for? I could end it all right now, but I don't. I continue to torture myself over this. I just don't have the strength yet. I don't have the strength to tell her what I really feel. I knew that I had to end it soon. I had to apologize, and then tell her. Tell her the truth. And as much as my life may sink away, I can't do this to her, I can't do this to myself. Like Hatori said: "You're the only one who can solve this problem, Shigure. I think you secretly know what the best thing to do is. And you may sink yourself in even further, but you'll eventually rise up again."
Hey! The end of ch. 4! I wrote this all in two days and now here it is! I really hope you're liking this and thank you so much for the reviews! Ch. 5 coming soon! ~ Tsubasa