A/N: well, here I am. Back. Please don't run, this is going to be good, I
promise!! So, on with the show!
The Boy Who Lived just long enough to die because of food poisoning
By Gayatilien
Chapter 2
- Damn it! - Hermione hissed under her voice, spitting a mouthful of a potion she just tasted to a nearby bucket- It still tastes like tomatoes!
- Well, ten minutes to the end of the lesson, shall we try your come-sad-go- happy mushroom puree? - came a voice from the front of the classroom. It was professor Gustare, a tall silver-haired witch all dressed in black except for an enormous white hat totally covered with cherries and grapes- quite eatable, judging from the difference in number since the beginning of the lesson till now.
- Oh dear Merlin! - Hermione gasped, this time quite loud- I got so concentrated on the taste that I totally forgot it was supposed to be puree!
Fortunately nobody heard this, because all the students were currently gathering around the teachers' desk with plates filled with something that pretty much resembled mud. Except for the little pink eruptions emerging from it now and then.
- So, soup again, huh? - came a voice from behind Hermione, causing her to jump. She turned back to face Parvati, her friend from the Gryffindor house looking quite amused and holding a plate with the properly made dish.
- Oh, just go and get a good grade, will ya? I haven't finished yet. - Hermione was now furious that somebody caught her when she actually FAILED at something. It was not her fault that the cooking books were not accurate about the quantity of the ingredients (who knows how much is a pinch anyway?). Sure, they had pictures, and special pages where you could rip off a part of it and taste the dish and every recipe smelled like a ready meal would.. But it just wasn't enough! Right now she preferred potions which needed a lot of precision but none of that "special touch" that prof. Gustare was talking so much about that would probably help Hermione make something other than tomato soup on every lesson! Hey, every lesson..
- Parvati, wait! - Hermione screamed, stopping the girl which was already near the professors desk. She came back when Hermione started waving frantically.
- What? - she asked, still being mad because of her housemate's earlier rudeness.
- I'm sorry for what I said before. - A completely untrustful look- I really am! And I want to ask you something. You said "soup again", what do you mean by that?
Parvati sighted.
- Well, as you may have noticed I am sitting right behind you. So sometimes I happen to look into your cauldron and it's usually tomato soup- she said simply.
- Oh - Hermione couldn't find any excuse for her failure. - Well, yours seems ok- she quickly changed the subject- I mean it's not liquid and all..
But Parvati wouldn't be so easily fooled. She sat down on a nearby chair, eying the queue formed before the professor's desk- it would be about 10 minutes before the degustation finished. Might as well talk to Hermione.
- So tell me Herm, you're so good and brilliant at everything, why do you fail so miserably at magical cooking?
Now it was Hermione's turn to sight. She didn't feel like talking about not being the best (actually, being the worst) at something, but on the other hand, Parvati might help. She was doing a lot better than her, right?
- Well I don't know for sure. I mean, it's not the spell part that doesn't work out- I enchant the right ingredients and stir them properly. It's the muggle part of it that I just can't get- all those sprinkles and pinches , I simply don't know how to do it right! And then even the magical aspects of the dish are gone- you know, today it was supposed to be come-sad-go- happy but I can bet that my mothers soup would have more magic in it than this!- she pointed her wand at her work.
Parvati looked thoughtful for a moment.
- I had a bad feeling about this subject from day one, but it's something every girl must attend at least for a year so..- Hermione finished in a whisper
- Well, Herm, I might be able to help- Parvati said, looking with sympathy at the depressed genius in front of her.
-Really!? But you know, if it has anything to do with cheating..
- No, it doesn't.
- Or if you tell me to go to the library, it's no use; I've already been there..
- No, it's not the library.
- Or if..
- Hermione, listen to me! As you can see, now I can handle preparing almost anything, but in the beginning I sucked even more than you.
The other girl gave her a suspicious look.
- I swear! Everything used to go right until the last stage.. you know, heating, frying etc., and then it blew up. Or, what was worse, tasted awful. Sometimes like dirt, sometimes like spider webs.. Yuk!- Parvati made a disgusted face just at the memory of it.
- So what did you do? - now Hermione was intrigued.
- I asked my twin sister, Padma, which cooking was always perfect. She told me one very wise muggle proverb- "Through the stomach to the heart" or something like that. It is supposed to work with guys and it means that if your cooking tastes good to a man, he will definitely fall for you.
- And that is supposed to help me? - Hermione was a little disappointed- she expected something like a handy spell not love advice.
- Of course!- exclaimed Parvati- Well, you don't have to take it literally, in general it means that if a guy says that the dish you prepared is good it means it really is. They work as precisely as a lie detector when it comes to food.
- But how is this going to help me stop making tomato soup and prepare something eatable?
- It will help a lot, because cooking is all about practice! You can try as many times as you want and the guy can tell you if it is prepared properly!
Hermione was now deep in thought. It seemed a little cruel, to feed somebody with tomato soup all the time but if it was going to help..
- And it worked for you? - she asked.
- Uhm. I asked Seamus, you know, Lavender told me that he had had a crush on me for a while so I knew he would agree.. And fed him with all kind of failed cooking experiments until he said it was good.
- But he could have lied, just to stop eating something that tasted like dirt or to please you.
- No he couldn't- an evil smile crossed Parvati's face- I made him drink a potion first, so he would tell me the truth. Not as strong as veritaserum but it worked.
Hermione was now beginning to like the idea, but her face fell.
- But where can I find a guy like that? I mean, nobody has a crush on me..
"Boy, and this girl is supposed to brilliant" Parvati thought, but decided not to touch that subject. Instead, she just said:
- It doesn't have to be somebody who fancies you. A regular male will do just fine.
Hermione's mood lightened up instantly.
- Great, I know just the right person! Thank you Parvati, thank you so much!- the bell rang and she quickly put some of her tomato soup on a plate and handed it to her friend- I have to go, could you please pass this to prof. Gustare? Better to have a lousy grade than no grade at all.
And with that she run out of the classroom, leaving Parvati with 2 plates and 3 more students in front of her still waiting in line.
About 5 minutes later two things happened: Parvati got the highest mark for her puree and a really happy (in the beginning) prof. Gustare actually found a magical property of Hermione's soup. When she recovered, she wrote down the recipe and called it "Diarrhea Waterfall"
A/N: So, there you have it. Longer, just as I promised. Funnier? Hope so. More embarrassing for the author? I ' ma afraid so. But anyways, please review! And now it's time for the teaser:
In the next episode of TBWLjletdbofp: Hermione chooses a victim. Hermione changes the victim. The first test.
The Boy Who Lived just long enough to die because of food poisoning
By Gayatilien
Chapter 2
- Damn it! - Hermione hissed under her voice, spitting a mouthful of a potion she just tasted to a nearby bucket- It still tastes like tomatoes!
- Well, ten minutes to the end of the lesson, shall we try your come-sad-go- happy mushroom puree? - came a voice from the front of the classroom. It was professor Gustare, a tall silver-haired witch all dressed in black except for an enormous white hat totally covered with cherries and grapes- quite eatable, judging from the difference in number since the beginning of the lesson till now.
- Oh dear Merlin! - Hermione gasped, this time quite loud- I got so concentrated on the taste that I totally forgot it was supposed to be puree!
Fortunately nobody heard this, because all the students were currently gathering around the teachers' desk with plates filled with something that pretty much resembled mud. Except for the little pink eruptions emerging from it now and then.
- So, soup again, huh? - came a voice from behind Hermione, causing her to jump. She turned back to face Parvati, her friend from the Gryffindor house looking quite amused and holding a plate with the properly made dish.
- Oh, just go and get a good grade, will ya? I haven't finished yet. - Hermione was now furious that somebody caught her when she actually FAILED at something. It was not her fault that the cooking books were not accurate about the quantity of the ingredients (who knows how much is a pinch anyway?). Sure, they had pictures, and special pages where you could rip off a part of it and taste the dish and every recipe smelled like a ready meal would.. But it just wasn't enough! Right now she preferred potions which needed a lot of precision but none of that "special touch" that prof. Gustare was talking so much about that would probably help Hermione make something other than tomato soup on every lesson! Hey, every lesson..
- Parvati, wait! - Hermione screamed, stopping the girl which was already near the professors desk. She came back when Hermione started waving frantically.
- What? - she asked, still being mad because of her housemate's earlier rudeness.
- I'm sorry for what I said before. - A completely untrustful look- I really am! And I want to ask you something. You said "soup again", what do you mean by that?
Parvati sighted.
- Well, as you may have noticed I am sitting right behind you. So sometimes I happen to look into your cauldron and it's usually tomato soup- she said simply.
- Oh - Hermione couldn't find any excuse for her failure. - Well, yours seems ok- she quickly changed the subject- I mean it's not liquid and all..
But Parvati wouldn't be so easily fooled. She sat down on a nearby chair, eying the queue formed before the professor's desk- it would be about 10 minutes before the degustation finished. Might as well talk to Hermione.
- So tell me Herm, you're so good and brilliant at everything, why do you fail so miserably at magical cooking?
Now it was Hermione's turn to sight. She didn't feel like talking about not being the best (actually, being the worst) at something, but on the other hand, Parvati might help. She was doing a lot better than her, right?
- Well I don't know for sure. I mean, it's not the spell part that doesn't work out- I enchant the right ingredients and stir them properly. It's the muggle part of it that I just can't get- all those sprinkles and pinches , I simply don't know how to do it right! And then even the magical aspects of the dish are gone- you know, today it was supposed to be come-sad-go- happy but I can bet that my mothers soup would have more magic in it than this!- she pointed her wand at her work.
Parvati looked thoughtful for a moment.
- I had a bad feeling about this subject from day one, but it's something every girl must attend at least for a year so..- Hermione finished in a whisper
- Well, Herm, I might be able to help- Parvati said, looking with sympathy at the depressed genius in front of her.
-Really!? But you know, if it has anything to do with cheating..
- No, it doesn't.
- Or if you tell me to go to the library, it's no use; I've already been there..
- No, it's not the library.
- Or if..
- Hermione, listen to me! As you can see, now I can handle preparing almost anything, but in the beginning I sucked even more than you.
The other girl gave her a suspicious look.
- I swear! Everything used to go right until the last stage.. you know, heating, frying etc., and then it blew up. Or, what was worse, tasted awful. Sometimes like dirt, sometimes like spider webs.. Yuk!- Parvati made a disgusted face just at the memory of it.
- So what did you do? - now Hermione was intrigued.
- I asked my twin sister, Padma, which cooking was always perfect. She told me one very wise muggle proverb- "Through the stomach to the heart" or something like that. It is supposed to work with guys and it means that if your cooking tastes good to a man, he will definitely fall for you.
- And that is supposed to help me? - Hermione was a little disappointed- she expected something like a handy spell not love advice.
- Of course!- exclaimed Parvati- Well, you don't have to take it literally, in general it means that if a guy says that the dish you prepared is good it means it really is. They work as precisely as a lie detector when it comes to food.
- But how is this going to help me stop making tomato soup and prepare something eatable?
- It will help a lot, because cooking is all about practice! You can try as many times as you want and the guy can tell you if it is prepared properly!
Hermione was now deep in thought. It seemed a little cruel, to feed somebody with tomato soup all the time but if it was going to help..
- And it worked for you? - she asked.
- Uhm. I asked Seamus, you know, Lavender told me that he had had a crush on me for a while so I knew he would agree.. And fed him with all kind of failed cooking experiments until he said it was good.
- But he could have lied, just to stop eating something that tasted like dirt or to please you.
- No he couldn't- an evil smile crossed Parvati's face- I made him drink a potion first, so he would tell me the truth. Not as strong as veritaserum but it worked.
Hermione was now beginning to like the idea, but her face fell.
- But where can I find a guy like that? I mean, nobody has a crush on me..
"Boy, and this girl is supposed to brilliant" Parvati thought, but decided not to touch that subject. Instead, she just said:
- It doesn't have to be somebody who fancies you. A regular male will do just fine.
Hermione's mood lightened up instantly.
- Great, I know just the right person! Thank you Parvati, thank you so much!- the bell rang and she quickly put some of her tomato soup on a plate and handed it to her friend- I have to go, could you please pass this to prof. Gustare? Better to have a lousy grade than no grade at all.
And with that she run out of the classroom, leaving Parvati with 2 plates and 3 more students in front of her still waiting in line.
About 5 minutes later two things happened: Parvati got the highest mark for her puree and a really happy (in the beginning) prof. Gustare actually found a magical property of Hermione's soup. When she recovered, she wrote down the recipe and called it "Diarrhea Waterfall"
A/N: So, there you have it. Longer, just as I promised. Funnier? Hope so. More embarrassing for the author? I ' ma afraid so. But anyways, please review! And now it's time for the teaser:
In the next episode of TBWLjletdbofp: Hermione chooses a victim. Hermione changes the victim. The first test.