By Adriana
trixielou60@hotmail.com
The usual disclaimers apply.
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Everything's so blurry
and everyone's so fake
everybody's empty and
everything is so messed up
pre-occupied without you
I cannot live at all
my whole world surrounds you
I stumble and I crawl
and you could be my someone
you could be my scene
you know that I'll protect you
from all of the obscene
I wonder what you're doing
imagine where you are
there's oceans in between us
but that's not very far
~From the song "Blurry" by Puddle of Mudd
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Chapter 15: Empty
It came as no surprise to anyone that Hermione threw herself into her work with an intense, if not breakneck abandon. It completely and utterly consumed her to the point that Draco was beginning to pout and Albus was giving her increasingly worried looks. "If I don't slow down soon," she thought, "I'm facing either being snogged senseless by one or getting fatherly advice from the other."
Neither prospect held much appeal.
A treacherous part of her mind whispered. "Draco is a good kisser, though." She chuckled softly to herself. "It must be the lack of sleep, I'm going off my rocker."
Pushing herself away from her desk, she allowed herself a moment to think about Severus. It had been almost six weeks since they'd parted. Not a day went by, not an hour, when she didn't pause from her work to think about him . . . to wonder what he was doing, how he was feeling. But not too often, and not for very long. She'd think about him briefly, then she'd plunge back into her work, determined to finish as quickly as possible. She longed to lose herself in the thought of him, to immerse herself in her memories, but she had to stay focused. Years of disciplined thinking had taught her that such indulgences could wait. But it was hard not to feel empty.
"Keep working, Hermione," she told herself. "The big payoff is coming."
There were times, however, where no matter how hard she tried to fight it, the thought of him brought an unbearable sadness to her heart. He was all alone . . . she could scarcely endure the thought. It was in those moments that she felt her emotional control slipping and it was only with great effort that she pushed him from her mind. "He's been alone all his life," she thought. "He can handle it a little while longer." The only time she allowed herself to deeply contemplate him was late at night, as the fire was dying and the shadows faded on the walls of her bedroom. When she was lying in her bed, drifting off to sleep, she imagined him, that she was with him, soothing his solitude. She'd imagine his lips on her neck and his scent on her skin. She'd run her hands through his soft hair, whispering words of love. At those times, late at night, she could sense him in her bones and her blood and he seemed to permeate her very molecules.
She had wild, sexual dreams about him.
At others times she could think about him rationally and it was then that she saw the humour in her situation. After all, there had been many years she'd wanted to forget Severus Snape even existed, and here she was, all lovesick and longing for him. "Blegh," she thought. "I'm in love with my greasy git former teacher. How appalling." She had to be honest with herself, though. From the moment he'd touched her cheek at Poppy Pomfrey's funeral, she'd never thought of him the same way again. It was as simple as that.
A soft knock vibrated from her front door and Hermione opened it, surprised to see Draco standing there with an expectant look on his face.
"Yes? Do we have a 'date' or something?" She struggled to remember.
He pushed his way in. "Hullo, darling. You look terrible, by the way. I was going to see if you wanted to take a stroll, but I don't know if I want to be seen with you in public." His insolent silver eyes raked her over. "Don't you own a hairbrush?"
Her hand instantly shot up to her hair before she frowned and shook her head. "I don't know why I let you bait me," she sighed. He grinned at her, then his face turned sober.
"Seriously, Hermione. I'm dead worried about you, love. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for giving it all to the Light, but you need to get out, to get some sunshine. You've no colour to your cheeks. Get your cloak, I won't take no for an answer."
"You're probably right. I've been working for six hours without a break and I need to stretch. Maybe we can get something to eat?"
Draco looked relieved. "I'm chuffed to hear it," he grinned, then he hesitated. "We can talk about him, if you want. I know you miss him."
She looked at Draco with affection. "You know, you're really not so bad," she said, as she smiled up at him.
"You have no idea," he thought sadly.
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The crisp January air was thankfully lit by a bright, blinding sunshine and Hermione felt her spirits lift as she and Draco strolled through Hogsmeade, hand in hand. For once, he neglected to make a big show of their 'relationship' and instead, he spoke to her in quiet, intimate tones. Finding a bench perched on a little hill off the path, they sat in silence, enjoying the playful spectacle of the squirrels chasing each other around the trees.
Draco put his arm around her and leaning close, he whispered, "I know this has been hard on you, not spending Christmas or New Year's Eve with Uncle Severus."
Hermione gave him an appraising look. "I thought I told you there's nothing between us. Don't you believe me?"
Draco rolled his eyes. "No," he said bluntly. "Not even a little bit. I've seen you two together, remember?"
She nodded. "I miss him more than I thought possible," she said sadly. "I get updates from Albus and I've read his notes, but it's not the same as working with him. We're getting close to completing the potion, but I've been waiting for Voldemort to ask for me. Our plan won't work unless Voldemort thinks I've turned to the Dark Side."
Draco felt his gut tighten. Ever since he'd told Voldemort about the Soul Shattering Potion, the Dark Lord had acted as if his interest in Hermione was waning. Draco had been developing his own plan, something he hoped was going to save them all, but it wasn't going to work unless Voldemort confided in him and told him how he was going to deal with the Potion. Without that information, Draco would be unable to formulate a response. The good news was that he'd been able to convince Voldemort and his father that Uncle Severus had been murdered by Taryn Butler. But he was still no closer to finding out what the Dark Lord had planned. He was scared to death that he'd ruined everything.
Somewhere along the way, The Order of the Phoenix had come to mean more to him than he'd ever thought possible.
"Draco? Is something wrong? You look distressed."
He hung his head. "I'm worried about the plan, Hermione. Voldemort is not confiding in me like he used to. If I don't get some useful information soon, I don't know how we're going to pull this off." He turned to her and she was surprised to see the anxiety in his eyes.
She rubbed his hand soothingly. "Everything will work out, I can feel it. I suppose we're just going to have to be patient."
For a brief moment, Draco contemplated telling her everything. It would be such a relief to confide in someone he trusted. However, his naturally secretive nature made it such that he could not tell anybody the truth, at least not until he knew more about Voldemort's plan for Hermione. The less said, the safer they all were, for now.
Instead, he changed the subject.
"So tell me about you and Uncle Severus. I'll bet he's a wild man in bed . . . does he make a lot of noise?" Hermione gave him an outraged look. "You know, you can always spot the wild ones," he added. "They're usually so bloody controlled in their daily lives, but under the sheets-- Ow, ow!"
Hermione had punched him in the arm.
Draco laughed softly. "Really, Hermione, I'm intrigued," he said. "I've never known Severus to care about anyone or anything. He had to be that way in order to be a successful spy. Out of everyone in my family, he was the coldest, meanest bastard of them all, and that's saying something."
She sighed. "I can well believe it. I hated him for years, after all. He was very hard on us Gryffindors during school. It wasn't until I came back to Hogwarts that I really got to know him. I think I understand why he is the way he is. He's had such a terrible life, I can only imagine the things he's had to endure." She remembered the feelings she got when she touched his Dark Mark and shivered.
Draco nodded. "That's very perceptive of you. No wonder he cares about you so much. Nobody has every taken the time to understand him. It wasn't until I became a Death Eater that I knew how hard things were for him. I remember . . . " He abruptly stopped.
"What? What do you remember?"
"It's not a pleasant story, Hermione. But maybe if I tell you, you'll understand why I respect him so much. It's really because of him that I've been able to do the whole Death Eater thing." He paused to rub his face with both hands and when he finally looked at her, she was surprised to see a shadow of sadness in his eyes.
"When I was fourteen I witnessed something really terrible, something that changed my whole way of thinking," he began. "You know how I was raised. I was taught to believe that Malfoys were superior to anybody walking on this Earth. Power was everything, cruelty was to be applauded and nothing was to stand in the way of getting what you wanted. That's why we joined Voldemort in the first place."
Hermione looked at him with pity. "What about love? Was there no room for love in your world?"
"Love," said Draco harshly. "I don't think so. Love was for the weak. Love was to be scorned. To this day, I don't think I know anything about love, although I'm learning," he added. "But at one time, I fancied myself in love."
Fascinated, Hermione squeezed his hand, urging him to continue.
"In the summer after our fourth year, I got to know a girl, a shy little thing, really. Her father and Lucius were 'business partners', which really meant that they were both involved with Voldemort. She had absolutely no idea." Hermione noticed his hands were shaking. "Her name was Yvette and she went to Beauxbatons."
Breaking himself away from her, he stood suddenly.
"I don't know if I can do this," he rasped. He clenched his fists and almost looked as if he was going to cry. In all the years she'd known him, she'd never seen him look more vulnerable and sad.
"What happened, Draco?" Hermione asked gently. "You can tell me, I won't tell a soul." She tugged on his sleeve, urging him to sit back down.
Draco looked at her, as if he were gauging the truth in her words. "Nobody can know about this. If anybody finds out, I'm dead." Hermione nodded.
Sitting back down, Draco continued with his story. "Yvette and I were friends at first. I was pretty lonely. In those days both my mum and I were getting the shit knocked out of us on a regular basis."
Hermione looked surprised. "I had no idea," she said.
"Well of course you didn't, you stupid git," he said scornfully and his face scrunched up in disdain. For a moment, Hermione was reminded of the boy she despised in school. Before she could take offense, his face immediately softened. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't be taking it out on you. Nobody knew what my father was doing to us. I was beginning to rebel and Lucius was not taking it very well. He thought he could 'beat some sense' into me. I guess it didn't take," he said proudly.
"Good for you," Hermione encouraged him. "So what happened to the girl?"
Draco's face darkened. "Like I said, we became friends at first. I'd never really had any friends, certainly not any real ones. I know that comes as no surprise to you," he said sardonically. Hermione resisted the urge to snort. She had to be very careful with her reactions, she knew.
"She used to come and stay at our house, while our fathers conducted their 'business'," Draco continued. "She was very beautiful . . . long blond hair, great big blue eyes. I think she was probably too gentle for the life that had been chosen for her. I knew that her father was trying to forge an alliance with us and Lucius encouraged the relationship between us. For once, I was happy with his direction in my life. Yvette was smart and funny and I found myself really falling for her. To my utter surprise, she felt the same way about me. We spent many hours together that summer. Then came that terrible night."
Draco stood up again and began to pace in front of the bench. Hermione kept herself very still, mesmerized by his story.
"We were young and we thought we were in love. She was staying in a bedroom down the hall from me and we planned on meeting that night. I thought I was finally going to lose my virginity." He grinned briefly. "A boy's dream come true, right? Well, instead --" He paused, unable to continue. Hermione suddenly stood up and wrapping her arms around him, she gave him a tight hug. "You can do this," she whispered. "You have to tell someone."
Turning his head to her ear, he whispered, "Instead, my father kidnapped her and took her to a Dark Revel that was occurring at our house that night. Apparently her father double-crossed Lucius in a business deal and Father thought he'd teach the man a lesson he'd never forget. When I couldn't find her, I starting looking for her around the house. Like all old, pureblood families, we had dungeons under the Manor. I made my way there and saw the Death Eaters gathered there. Everyone had their backs to me, so I found a spot in a dark corner and hid behind a chair. Yvette was laid out on a table before the Dark Lord and she was bound and naked. I barely recognized her. She was bleeding heavily from wounds to her head and chest and she was letting out these pitiful wails."
Draco suddenly pulled away from Hermione, turning his back on her. "I can't . . . I just can't," he whispered in anguish.
Hermione walked up behind him and put her arms around his waist. Laying her head against his back she said, "Yes, you can. You're strong, like your uncle. You can do this."
Draco took a deep, shuddering breath. "They took turns raping her while her father watched. Some of them put knives in a fire before using them to stab her. Not everyone participated, but when it came to be Uncle Severus' turn, he just pointed his wand at her and cast the Killing Curse. It was the most merciful thing I've ever witnessed. Isn't that ironic?"
Hermione fought the bile that rose in her throat. "Oh Draco! How horrible for you both! That poor, poor girl!"
He turned to her and Hermione was sure that she'd never forget the look on his face.
"I ran away, Hermione. Uncle Severus told me later that he saw me when I came in, so after the revel, he went looking for me. He found me in the gardens, puking my guts out. I was crazed, telling him I was going to kill them all for what they'd done to her. His reaction surprised me."
"What did he say?"
"He said, 'In due time, my boy. In due time.' It was then that I realized that he was really a spy. When I looked at him, I could see that his face was bruised and swollen and that his nose had been broken. He was even missing a few of his front teeth. Apparently Voldemort didn't like his spoiling their fun." Draco ran a restless hand through his hair.
"That was the beginning of the end for me," he said. "Later, my father told me that he'd had a falling out with her father and that Yvette had left with him that night. I was never to speak of her again. When I went back to Hogwarts my fifth year, I spent a lot of time with Uncle Severus. He didn't tell me he was a spy at first, it took him a while to trust me, but eventually, we both planned my future. I was to remain the arrogant bastard and become a Death Eater, just like dear old Dad. I've had to empty my soul at times, but I've been planning my betrayal of Voldemort ever since . . . we both have. Harry Potter may get all the glory, but Uncle Severus is my hero."
Hermione was stunned.
"That is one of the most incredible stories I've ever heard," she said quietly. She hesitated. "It explains a lot and I know it was very difficult for you to tell me this. I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am."
Draco snorted. "Don't feel sorry for me, Hermione. I hate that shit." He managed a lopsided grin.
Knowing what he was doing, Hermione played along. "You know, when a girl feels sorry for a guy, he's that much closer to getting laid."
Draco looked delighted. "You think so?" he asked eagerly. "I'll have to remember that. So what are you saying? Are you trying to seduce me? Because if you are . . . I'm game!" He pulled her close to him. She laughed.
"Severus would kill us both, you git."
"I know, but it might be worth it."
She shook her head at him. "Shut up and walk with me . . . I'm hungry," she said, in a commanding tone. As they made their way back to town, Hermione spoke suddenly. "Draco, in case you still think you've never had any real friends, I can assure you that you have one in me. I'll never tell anyone what you've told me, not even Harry."
Speechless, Draco nodded.
Arm in arm, they walked together in silence.
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Albus Dumbledore was in a good mood, which wasn't saying much. From the time he'd been a child, he'd been blessed with a sunny disposition which irritated almost everyone he knew. Even during the darkest hours of war, he managed to summon a bit of optimism, which kept him sane while madness was going on all around him. He whistled while he stirred a bit of honey in his tea.
He just couldn't help himself.
He wondered about Hermione and her reaction to her separation from Severus. Albus knew all the signs and he was sure about one thing. Hermione Granger was madly in love.
And Severus wasn't far behind her.
Albus chuckled. This was a most surprising turn of events. He'd known Severus since he was a young boy at Hogwarts and he'd despaired that anyone or anything could penetrate his empty heart. There had been many times that Albus thought Severus was going to break from the strain, but the Potions Master proved to be stronger than anybody realised. Albus would summon him up to his chambers and they'd quietly share a drink together while Severus filled him in on the latest news of the Death Eaters. Somehow, Albus would manage to encourage him to go on and once or twice he even suggested that Severus quit the spy business altogether. He feared that he'd never make it out alive.
Severus had been adamant. "War is a dirty business, Albus, you know that," he'd once said. "I have nothing in my life that's worth having, so it might as well be me doing it." Albus felt an unspeakable sadness for the man.
"Maybe Hermione will change his life," he thought. "She's already changed him in the few short months she's been here. If anybody deserves to be loved and respected, it's Severus Snape."
Walking over to his bookshelf, he plucked the book that held the portal to Severus' new world. Opening it, he quietly called out to him.
"Severus? Are you awake?"
The Potions Master's response was immediate. "I'm here, you old coot! Can't a person get any peace around here?" Severus couldn't hide the irritation in his voice. Albus sighed in relief. Severus was barking at him, which was a good sign.
"I'm sorry to contact you at this late hour. I just wanted a quick update. How's your progress?"
"I've completed a rudimentary version of the potion and I'm beginning animal experiments. It's obviously going to have to be refined. The dosages of the ingredients need to be adjusted, but we're getting very close to completing it." He paused.
"How is she?"
"She's doing all right, Severus. She's working entirely too hard and I worry that she's not getting enough sleep. I can't get her to slow down, which comes as no surprise. She's very anxious to complete the potion so that we can confront Voldemort. It's the only thing that's keeping her going. That and you."
"Don't be a sentimental old fool, Albus," Severus snapped. "I'm sure she's fine."
Albus was in no mood to placate him. "She's not fine! She misses you terribly. Denying that isn't going to make things any easier. The truth is always best," he added.
There was a few seconds of silence before Severus softly retorted. "Tell her . . . tell her that I miss her and that it's almost over. My seclusion won't last much longer."
"I'm sure she'll be happy to hear that. Good night Severus, I'll talk to you tomorrow." He closed the book and put it on his desk.
Sipping his tea, Albus peered at a corner in the room. There was no hiding the shimmer of an invisibility cloak, he'd had years of practice at spotting them while Harry Potter had been a student. Amused, he knew exactly who was hiding in his office.
"If you wanted to meet with your Uncle Severus, all you needed to do was ask," he said to himself. Years of being a spy had taught Draco to do things with stealth, rather than taking the direct approach. Albus fought the grin that threatened to erupt and making a big show of going to bed, he allowed Draco to put his plan in motion.
It appeared that Draco was going to make a late night visit to his uncle.
TBC
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Author's note: I finished this late and I just couldn't wait for a beta-read to post it. Please excuse any glaring mistakes, OK?
Thanks to all my reviewers. I live for them.