IMPORTANT: The story's being rewritten. So ... if some things don't correspond, don't worry about it. The actual pranks and events, as disgusted as I am with them, will probably remain more or less in tact. if chronological problems appear, try re-reading them for inserted breaks in between or something.
First Vacation
By Phire Phoenix
Chapter One
The Art of Intimidation
"Sirius!" Harry exclaimed when he blinked the brilliant rays of the suns out of his eyes and noticed who exactly was standing on the porch of Number Four, Privet Drive. "What are you doing here?" He asked, torn between ecstasy and bewilderment, shielding the glare of the sun with his arm. His godfather beamed down at him, clad in jeans and a t-shirt, with baseball cap set atop his head. For a moment, Harry wondered how Sirius pulled off looking so...Muggle. But he waved that out of his head as he simply drowned in the happiness of seeing his godfather again. Although it had been only 3 weeks since they parted at Hogwarts - a period of time a lot shorter than what he was use to - that was not to say that he didn't miss his family.
"Well? Aren't you going to ask me to come in?" Sirius quipped up, laughter in his voice. He seems a lot happier. And better groomed, too, Harry added to himself with a smile. The elder wizard's formerly matted hair was now combed and cut, which is more than what could be said for Harry's own mop. When he first met Sirius in his third year, he would not have hesitated to write him off as the murderer he was falsely rumoured to be. Now, he could have been taken for any father, or uncle, eagerly picking his little kid up.
"Uh, yeah..." Harry said slowly, a smirk tugging at his lips. He indicated for Sirius to lean over and whispered something in his ear. Sirius' grin widened, and he nodded. Harry was just about to turn around and call to his aunt and uncle when a booming voice drowned him out.
"Who's that standing at the door??? If he's selling something, tell him we don't want it!!!" Vernon hollered, rounding the hall to see where in the "hell that ungrateful boy had gotten to". His uncle, partly the source of his misery and a rather large man, stopped short when he saw Sirius.
"I don't know who this man is, he wanted to see you, Uncle Vernon" Harry told him innocently, resisting the urge to laugh. The confusion his uncle was displaying as well as the minimal flash of recognition told him that his Uncle does not remember who Sirius Black is. Pity, the high-pitched girly scream would've provided him with quite some amusement. He backed away as his uncle came charging down the hall.
"Yes?" He demanded, glaring at aforementioned Black. "Who are you and what do you want? I'm a busy man!" Vernon snapped, his complexion ruddy. Sirius reached over and extended a hand, careful that his wand should poke out a bit from his pocket, smiling cordially.
"Hello. I don't believe we've met. I'm Sirius Black, Harry's godfather."
Uncle Vernon's face turned white faster than Harry thought possible, and he glanced at Harry nervously before turning his attention the man he thought a murderer standing at the door. Harry stifled a snicker. This is what he had been visualising since he found out about Sirius and everything connected with his godfather. Of course, he never actually thought it would happen, but now that it did, it seemed almost exactly the same to his daydreams.
"W-Well, c-c-come on I-in then..." His uncle was stuttering. The man Ron so charmingly described as a 'Beetroot' was trying to check out the neighbourhood without Sirius noticing. He seemed to be more scared of his neighbours. After a furtive glance left and right, he shushed Sirius into the living room, all the while trying to be polite. Harry finally let out a snigger, earning him a glare that clearly stated 'one more sound from you and you're getting it'. He, however, was unperturbed. He nodded his head towards Sirius, who was regarding the Muggle objects with interest, and smirked. Vernon glared at him again, but couldn't do anything.
"I'm here to discuss Harry's custody with you." Sirius stated, not wasting any time with chitchat. Vernon's eyes widened, and he called up the stairs for Petunia. Dudley's head poked from the kitchen, and waddled over when he saw Harry, standing opposite of Vernon. He apparently thought his cousin was getting a lecture from his dad.
'I'll be getting my stuff!' Harry mouthed to Sirius, who gave him the thumbs-up. Harry pushed past his aunt, who wore a scowl on her face and was drying her hands on her apron. She leered at him as he went past and hurried into the living room, where Harry heard her give out a gasp, followed by a yelp on Dudley's behalf. He looked back to see Dudley waddling out of the living room again, a look of horror plastered on his face. He must have noticed the wand sticking out of Sirius' pocket. Harry smirked.
"Let's spare the niceties, and move right on to the legal parts." Sirius said, pacing around the room, stopping once in a while to observe the couple's faces, smirking all the while. "Right now, you are registered as Harry's legal guardians by wizard law. The files in your Muggie Offices..." Sirius stopped and waved this away "are all fabricated using magic. As I have been in the unfortunate circumstance of being in prison for committing murder, I was not able to take Harry into my care, nor were any of James and Lily's friends as they were either aurors or dead." He paused to smile sadly, not noticing the perplexed look the Dursleys gave them. "Muggles are so inefficient, taking years for a mere adoption" He scowled.
"Of course, with the Ministry of Magic, everything would be a hell of a lot easier." He continued, sitting down with a sigh on the couch opposite the Dursleys. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed Dudley poking his head around the door, surveying the scene. The moment the boy noticed the wizard's penetrating stare he withdrew from the conversation. Sirius laughed inwardly and drew a roll of parchment from his back pocket. "When Harry was sent to you, everything had been taken care of. Now, in the same manner, everything will be taken care of, again. All you folk need to do is sign in various places. Then we'll send different enchanted copies to the Muggle Agencies. These enchantments will change their, um, what do you call " He shook his head at the word, as though it was the most unreasonable word in the universe.
Vernon looked at Petunia, who looked at him. They snatched the roll of parchment from Sirius and began to read. Sirius smiled.
"Of course," He stated, choosing his words carefully. "If you told a mass murderer - my track record is 13, if you cared to know - that his only reason for living was to be taken away from him..." He stopped to savour the effect these words had on the Dursleys. A shriek, followed by a clatter, could be heard immediately outside the door, announcing Dudley's unfortunate attempt to run away. Petunia paled, while Vernon turned a lovely shade of puce.
"Oh, and to save yourself the trouble of asking, yes I am threatening you." Sirius stated with a trademark Marauder grin, seeing Vernon open his mouth to say something.
At this point, Harry reappeared, heaving his trunk into the living room. "So!" He said cheerfully, looking around them all. "What have I missed?"
oh, and instead of a long author's note, I'm going to incorporate all the explanations into the various chapters, while tweaking a lot of out-of-characterness. Enjoy! ) Don't forget to review -grins- Thanks muchly!