The Truth About Remus

Chapter Twenty-One

Mother's funeral was beautiful, although I hardly remember any of it. There was no open casket. Father and I decided that we wouldn't be able to handle it properly so, to respect our wishes, it was closed. Almost the entire Ministry was there…there was a lot of crying. All I could think as Remus rocked me in his arms was how terrible it must be to die at the wand of a fellow wizard. The worst thing to bear, though, was that she wasn't the only one to die that night.

She was murdered…that cold hearted son of a bitch killed her. She didn't deserve it…no one deserves that.

No matter how bad I felt some nights, I always got my lessons. Knowing that Remus was waiting to wrap his arms around me and sing me to sleep kept me going. Music was another soothing outlet that I discovered in my free time. I only used to play music for fun, but now, it is like medicine…a drug.

Remus and I arrived back to Hogwarts with our trunks and a few of my instruments. When we reached the Gryffindor Common Room, the Marauders, Crystal and Lily hugged us tightly, causing us to drop everything. After the greetings, Everyone's attention turned towards the instruments.

"Wow, these are nice," Lily said as I laid them across the couch and floor and opened their cases, "I play a bit of guitar myself – will you play something?"

"Sure," I replied.

I picked up the acoustic and motioned for Remus to take the bass. As usual, I began to play a random song…just something that came to my fingers.

"Makin' my way downtown, walking fast, faces pass and I'm homebound," I sang, quietly at first, since I wasn't used to such a crowd, but I soon grew louder as I began feeling the music, "Starin' blankly ahead, just makin' my way, makin' my way through the crowd."

And I need you

And I miss you

And now I wonder…

If I could fall

Into the sky

Do you think time Would pass me by

"Cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles if I could just see you tonight."

Its always times like these when I think of you

And I wonder if you ever think of me

Cause everything's so wrong and I don't belong

Living in your precious memory

Cause I need you

And I miss you

And now I wonder

"If I could fall into the sky, do you think time would pass me by," I sang, "Cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles if I could just see you…tonight. And I, I…don't want to let you know I drown in your memory. I, I…don't want to let this go. I…I don't…"

Makin my way downtown, walking fast faces pass and I'm homebound

Starin blankly ahead making my way, making my way through the crowd

And I still need you

And I still miss you And now I wonder

"If I could fall into the sky, do you think time would pass us by…cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles if I could just see you…if I could just hold you…tonight."

I played the last few chords until I felt satisfied. Once they died out, I ran up to my room without an explanation to any of my friends.

That night, Severus and I sat in the library studying. He was helping me catch up on the things that I had missed, but there was just no way I could concentrate. After nearly an hour of this, Severus put his quill down and sighed.

"Are you feeling okay," he asked softly.

I looked up into his black eyes and replied, "So many people have asked me that since I have gotten back, and I told them that I was, but in total truth, I am not – I really am not."

"What do you say we pack this up and try again tomorrow night?"

I nodded and helped him clean up, but as we were going our separate ways, I called to him.

"Severus?"

He stopped walking, turned back to me and asked in a low voice, "Yes?"

"I – um, would you mind taking a walk around the lake with me? I don't feel like bothering Remus and I can't go alone…"

"Yeah, of course."

We walked out onto the grounds together and towards the lake, in silence at first, but then, Severus spoke.

"I am really sorry about your mother," he whispered, "If there is anything that you want to talk about, I will listen. Anytime."

I smiled slightly, "I was hoping that I could talk with you now."

"Well, I am here."

We reached the edge of the lake and sat down by the cool water. I pulled my knees to my chest as Severus lie back on the shore.

"I feel so mixed up," I told him from out of nowhere, "My mum was my touchstone. We shared so many things – we loved the same movies, the same songs…she taught me how to play the guitar and bought me my first acoustic when I was eight. Everyone told me that I was a miniature version of her. She made me like her – and I am glad, because if I had to take after one person in the world, it would be her. She is the woman I looked up to the most."

"Your mother sounds like she was an amazing woman," Severus commented with a tinge of jealousy in his voice.

"She was – absolutely amazing. Without her, I am totally lost."

"I wish I could tell you that I can relate to that, but I can't. I have always been lonely and lost…I don't know what love is because I have never felt it."

I took my eyes off of the rippling, black water of the lake and turned to face him. I tried to respond to that, but I couldn't. Before I could say anything, he continued.

"My mum is a scared woman – she cant ever let her guard down, and be happy," Severus told me with a blank stare in his face, "Its all my father's fault – if that thing is fit to be called a father. He spends a lot of time after work in the local taverns, drinking heavily, and coming home stumbling and violent. He abuses her…tries to hit her, but I step in the way…and then he takes her to their room and has his way with her. I take the fist for my mother, but she is the one who gets raped. Here, I am safe, but my mother isn't. I am afraid to wake up everyday, hoping that I don't have to hear that she is dead. I love my mum…I always comfort her after one of his episodes. I could never imagine what it would be like without her."

I was stunned. I had heard of these things happening, but I never knew anyone who had witnessed it. A loving family – shielded, always shielded me. Kept from knowing the awful truth of reality. I placed my hand on his – he didn't pull away.

"Severus…" I breathed, tears twinkling in my eyes.

"Please, let me finish," he said, "Some nights he wouldn't even come home – either he was too piss ass drunk and couldn't move or he had found a wench to suit his needs. I always prayed that he had been murdered.

"As you can tell, I haven't had a loving home to live in, and I don't know what it is like to have loving parents. You are lucky to have had the time to have made precious memories with your mum, because my chance was taken from me a long time ago."

Severus' story made me cringe and rethink my sorrow.

"You must think that I am really pitiful, mourning over something that was taken from me when others aren't as fortunate. I should be celebrating, not feeling sorry for myself."

"No," he replied quietly, "You have a right to mourn. I don't know why I told you about my parents, it's just that – I have never had anyone to listen to me before."

"I will always be here to listen to you," I promised, crying.

"Please, please don't cry," he begged, "I don't know how to handle it."

I laughed and wiped my cheeks, "Just ignore it. I am a huge baby."

He laughed and sat up, "Do you mind if I ask you a question?"

"Not at all," I replied.

"Do you…may I call you family? May I be part of your family?"

"As long as I may be part of your family."

"You don't want to be a part of my family, but if that is what you wish…"

He smiled as we looked back at the lake as Remus walked up behind us.

"Ani," he asked.

I looked up at him and smiled, "Hey, Remmie, join us."

"Actually, you will have to excuse me," Severus stated standing up, "We will continue studying tomorrow night."

I nodded and he took my hand in his and kissed it in a gesture of farewell.

"Ani-baby, are you okay," Remus asked as he took Severus' spot on the grass beside me and took me in his arms.

"Kinda…tell me, Remus, do you think that it is worth it," I asked.

"What?"

"Becoming an Auror. Risking my life and dying so that my loved ones can be torn apart by the memory of me."

"Your – our mum believed in a cause – a cause that she fought and died for. This cause was noble – she wanted to take down Voldemort's army and bring peace back to the world. Mum knew what she was getting into when she began training to be an Auror. She wanted to fight for a better world, and even when things got rough, she never backed down."

"But…is it worth it?"

Remus sighed, "If you believe in stopping the horrors of the world as much a mum did, and if you aren't afraid of dying for it, then yes, it is worth it; however, ultimately, that is for you to decide."

"Well, now that I know what I am in for, with everything I have lost due to the profession and the dangers…I do still think that it is worth it. I mean, not only do I want to fight for the same cause mum did, I want to help her to get the revenge she was striving to achieve." I looked up at the sky and spotted the moon, "About two and a half more weeks until the next full moon."

"As always – we'll be ready."

I sighed and rolled a rock around in my hands before throwing it over the water. It skipped three times before sinking forever beneath the surface of the cold, black water. A cold gust of wind swept over us and I shivered slightly. Remus tightened his embrace on me.

"Do you want to go inside," he asked me, "We could sit in front of the common room fire and order a couple of Butterbeers."

I shook my head, "No," I replied quietly, "What I need right now is comfort and support from you."

"I will give you anything that you need. I am here for you – for the better and for the worst."

Remus kissed me on the cheek and pointed up to the flying dragon. The two kids on the back of it waved to us and we waved back to them. For the first time in several days, I cracked a smile as Remus sang quietly in my ear.

"Everything's gonna be alright, rock-a-bye, rock-a-bye. I said that everything's gonna be alright, rock-a-bye, rock-a-bye."