Despair and Resolve
Disclaimer: Premise and characters are the property of Marvel, I'm just borrowing them for a bit of non-profit fun.
Thanks for the feedback: Dusty, animeluvr1, JessiChi, Rex, T. Riddle, Psyc, xfearddarknessx, Gu, faster_is_better, raniatlw, MiracleChick, Sandoz, Sophia
Lance watched the surface of the water in the cup beside his bed almost expecting to see it trembling like the puddle in "Jurassic Park" but even Freddy didn't weight enough for that. Lance could still feel the vibrations the other teen's heavy footsteps sent through the earth, even here in the steel and concrete reinforced passages that ran beneath the Xavier Institute.
Gauging from the vibrations Lance realized that Freddy was heavier than even he looked and once Lance thought about it, it make sense, normal human skin and fat, no matter how thick, didn't provide the sort of invulnerable armor Blob's did. Lance shook his head at his sudden fascination with Fred's mutation. He knew himself well enough to know it was just a way to keep from thinking about his own mutation. Because it wasn't just Freddy's footsteps he sensed making aborted forays toward the med lab. Lance also picked up the vibrations from Todd's distinct gait; even Kitty's light walk was detectable. It was creepy. Lance vaguely remembered an increased awareness of the vibrations in the earth during the months before his powers first manifested, remembered the glut of incomprehensible information flooding his mind…
Suddenly he was glad for the Institute's seclusion and damping layers of concrete. At least all he sensed were the people wandering around the lower levels and the occasional danger room session, not the constant barrage of cars, crowds and that damned airport a few miles from the house where he'd been living back then.
Then his powers had started working. At first it hadn't hurt to use them, they just left him feeling like he had a head cold, because his additional awareness was deadened for awhile after he'd shaken things up. It had been nice actually and after a half year or so of using them the head cold feeling stopped going away, once he'd gotten used to it, it had been like he'd never had that extra sense. It hadn't been long after that when his headaches started. He hadn't sensed the earth's vibrations in a long time, but now it was back and every bit as annoying as he remembered it being.
As bad as it was waking up at the ungodly hours Scott and Wolverine liked for Danger room sessions, it was worse knowing how much time his friends spent hanging around the med lab door pestering Dr. MacTaggart or Tante Mattie about making an exception to the ban on visitors. A ban that existed at his request.
He hated being helpless, couldn't stand the idea of anyone seeing him this vulnerable. The adults were bad enough but he couldn't make them leave him alone and Xavier would knock him out long before he could cave the Institute in on top of himself… Lance sighed, he knew he wasn't really serious about doing anything like that, and he'd already had more than enough lectures about thinking that sort of thing.
Honestly, the adults weren't that bad really, he'd gotten use to the idea that Dr. MacTaggart's professional ethics required her to help and Tante Mattie seemed equally dedicated to her craft even if she was… a little unique… Mr. McCoy was the only teacher he ever remembered liking and as much as he didn't like Professor Xavier, Lance couldn't help but end up feeling ashamed of himself when his frustrations bubbled up around the crippled telepath. It was hard to justify explosions of temper about his lack of progress to someone who would never recover the use of his legs. There was nothing Lance could do to keep them from helping him but he was getting use to the idea that they all really did want to help him, that they didn't despise him for being helpless but letting friends who'd depended on him see him like this just wasn't going to happen.
The only problem was he could sense them hanging around just on the other side of the door. It made it hard to forget that even if he couldn't take care of them anymore, he could still hurt them.
The footsteps paused just outside the door. Lance closed his eyes; in his mind's eye he could see the three of them. He knew that it wasn't really the closed door keeping them out, if Xavier had ordered them to stay away from him they all would have been in and out every few minutes, but Xavier hadn't told them to stay away, he'd merely passed on Lance's wishes in the matter and that was a much tougher barrier for them to break down than a door. They hadn't tried after he'd pretended to be asleep when Kitty phased into the room.
"Hell!" Lance swore softly. He was improving, if he was careful, if he just saw them for a few minutes…
"Concentrate," Lance told himself. "Sit up, stand up. Keep a hand on the bed until the room stops spinning. Look around for the next thing to lean on, 'cause Moira's right; a walker or at least a cane would help. Like that's going to happen, I'd rather fall than admit to needing something like that. The desk is just four fucking steps away. One.… two… Damn it! I'm not losing my balance; I'm just not! Three… four… Where's the damn desk? Five… Six… Fall toward the stupid thing if you've gotta fall then!
Good desk, nice desk, you don't mind if I sort of lean… well more or less collapse here for a moment?
Why the hell is this so hard!? It's not like I was down long enough for my muscles to atrophy or anything. It's just all so freaking strange, can't judge distances. Reach for something it's not there, go to take a step and the floor jumps up at me, like when you think there's one more step before you get to the stairs only there isn't, except I know the damn floor's flat! Felt like I'm balancing on top of a ball half the time, my center keeps moving, trying to make me fall. Fuck that!
They're walking off. Wait guys, I'm coming! Push off the desk; keep moving till the wall stops you. The wall's like a guide right to the door and it reminds a person which way up is. Keep your shoulder against the wall, move forward. Realize how lucky everyone else is that they learn this crap while they're still to young to remember how damn miserable this is. Reach for the button to open the door.
If at first you don't succeed… knock the whole fucking place down. Just kidding Professor! Look where your hand is, look where the button is, use that to judge where the damn thing really is. Be grateful it's not a doorknob, fingers never work for more than a few seconds and they let go at the stupidest times. Watch the door slide open. Lean against the jam, because that looks natural, and a whole lot better than falling on your ass…'
"Hey," Lance said letting the internal monologue fall silent.
As one Kitty, Todd and Fred turned back toward the infirmary, mouths dropping open in stunned delight. "Lance!" he wasn't quite sure which one of them yelled his name before they came charging back down the hall. He mentally braced himself for impact, if any of them so much as touched him he knew he was going to end up on the floor, his sense of equilibrium was so frail.
Then it didn't happen. The three of them stopped, froze, like they hit a force field just under an arms length from him. They looked scared, like he'd break if they touched him.
Not that it mattered; the act of bracing himself compromised Lance's stability without any external assistance. Only he didn't fall… because Todd was holding his arm, steadying him and the next thing Lance knew Fred had picked him up and was carrying him back to bed. He was supposed to protect them!
Then all three of them were talking. Lance didn't have a clue as to what about, beyond knowing that not one word had been said about the tears on his cheeks. They probably didn't know how to deal with it. Which was only fair, he could barely comprehend the fact he was crying and certainly didn't know what should be done about it, but it was stopping right the hell now!
After a few minutes Lance forced himself to grin. "So you two were eating bio?" he asked a little uncertain as to where he'd heard that, but it worked the three of them relaxed a little and immediately jumped into telling him all about the headaches Mr. McCoy was suffering from the new members of his home schooled group.
Kitty was blushing a little, Lance couldn't imagine why, then he remembered: "Goodnight, wake up soon. I love you."
"My fault, all my fault," it echoed in Pietro's head in an endless refrain. For the first time in his life he felt completely drained of all energy.
His fault, they all hated him and he agreed with them. He'd tried to make amends, pinned all his hopes on Gambit's Tante Mattie, but even magic hadn't made Lance all better and if he were Lance, he'd never forgiven himself.
"Quicksilver report to the training area immediately," Magneto's voice thundered over the intercom.
Pietro pulled his blanket over his head and ignored the voice. He was tired, getting out of bed seemed like an insurmountable task, Magneto would just have to find someone else to play tag with Sabretooth. Pietro closed his eyes and went back to sleep.
"Up yo' little fool!" Gambit's angry voice pulled him from the oblivion a moment later as the Cajun thief unceremoniously yanked him out of bed and dumped him on the cold concrete floor of his quarters.
"Why'd you do that?" Pietro asked sulkily, reaching for a blanket to wrap around himself.
"Chat can cut yo' up here as well as de training room mon ami, s' get yourself movin'," Gambit ordered.
"Don't care, I'm tired," Pietro complained laying down on the floor.
"I said on your feet," Gambit growled coldly charging the blanket. It exploded with just enough force to slam Pietro into the wall.
"That hurt," the silver-haired boy sulked.
"An' Chat's claws won'?" Gambit demanded. "Merde, yo' ain't in any state to fight. Colossus be in de control room, he don' particularly like yo' mais he won' stand by an' watch Chat tear yo' up either, go dere."
Pietro nodded disinterestedly, Gambit hurried him on his way with another explosion then headed toward the training area.
"Where is Quicksilver?" Magneto demanded scowling angrily at the Cajun.
"Silver's feeling under de weather," Gambit said.
"Sabretooth," Magneto said and the big mutant grinned. Gambit's bo staff slammed into the wall blocking Sabretooth's path. "Magneto, I don' give a damn what's goin' t'rough your head. Dis ain't got nothin' to do wit' playin' favorites or makin' de boy stronger or not bein' soft or any other nonsense. He's your son, 'M telling yo' if he fights today he'll get hurt. Let him be!"
"Gambit, you forget your place," Magneto said frowning darkly at the younger man who dared to object to how he dealt with his son.
"I've had 'nough of yo', of dis. Don' like your style, your rhetoric or de way yo' treat your family," Gambit snapped. "Should of gone wit' m' firs' t'ough: I ain't into joinin'."
Gambit ran into the control room, "Come on Silver, we're leavin'," he said.
"What?" Colossus exclaimed. "You can't leave, this is Magneto we're talking about."
"I do what I like," Gambit stated.
"Dad'll kill you," Pietro said quietly. "You can't fight him. I don't want anyone else to get hurt because of me."
Gambit sighed looking down at the slender teen sitting huddled in the corner. "Get up kid."
"I don't wanna."
"Pietro!" Gambit ordered in a tone that wouldn't be denied.
Wearily the silver-haired teen climbed to his feet and followed after Gambit saying, "He's just going to kill us both now."
Gambit waved a magnet over a hidden spot in the wall then grinned as a secret exit opened for him. "Yo' will make yourself scarce an' not tell on us, oui?" he said to Colossus. "Or does he own your soul as well as your body?"
The device reminded Lance of a mix between a rubrics cubeand a Transformer and he was absurdly grateful to Mr. McCoy for making it for him.
and a Transformer and he was absurdly grateful to Mr. McCoy for making it for him.
Boredom was the worst part of this whole mess he'd decided after about a week. He was perfectly willing to do physical therapy till he dropped of exhaustion, but he'd wake up still drained of energy. Lance didn't like to read and given the choice between TV, working on his jeep or play the guitar TV came in last. Almost everything Lance enjoyed doing revolved around working with his hands, in other words nothing he could do right now.
That's what made Mr. McCoy's little toy so great, it was designed to help him recover his manual dexterity and the strength in his hands and in the meantime it was fairly entertaining.
Still the instant he heard the door sliding open he dropped it into his lap and waited for whoever was visiting now. Lance might have considered his first effort at socializing since his coma an unmitigated disaster but Todd, Fred, Kitty and most of the other students at the Institute took it as an irrevocable repeal of his earlier ban on visitors and the adult were letting them.
So he gave up, he was bored anyway, he missed his friends and it wasn't so bad. He'd never been one of the more talkative members of the Brotherhood, so no one thought it was strange that he let them do most the talking. As long he didn't try to do anything while he had company it wasn't glaringly obvious how completely helpless he was. When he really wanted them to get rid of someone he just stopped paying attention to them, most everyone took the hint.
The door finished opening, Scott walked in, Lance groaned. There was always at least one exception to the rules. Scott did not take hints, Scott did not leave when Lance wanted him to and trying to out wait the other senior was pointless because Scott brought homework to keep busy while Lance ignored him.
Scott greeted Lance cheerfully and received a scowl in return. He dug out a textbook and some paper. After a few minutes Lance made a sound of disgust and went back to his game. The first time Scott pulled this stunt Lance had sat silent and unmoving for nearly an hour to avoid risking embarrassment, after several weeks of Scott's unexplained desire to be social, putting up more than a cursory protest seemed stupid. So he just pretended Scott wasn't there.
The trick to the puzzle was that Lance had to keep a steady pressure on several points or the pieces wouldn't unlock. As Lance's hands slipped repeatedly, preventing him from accomplishing anything, he started cursing under his breath.
Scott glanced up by didn't comment, after a moment he went back to his homework.
Lance scowled, tightening his grip, trying to substitute force for finesse, after a few moments his hand spasmed and the puzzle dropped to the floor.
Scott moved to retrieve it. "Don't," Lance said. Scott sat back, gritting his teeth, when he'd started this plan the one hard, fast rule that had been set was that he couldn't help when Lance told him not to, besides doing that would wreck the whole point of the effort. Still it went against Scott's instincts to let Lance struggle with simple things like retrieving a dropped object.
But it was working; a week ago Lance would have left the puzzle on the floor until he was alone.
Time passed, they settled back into their routine. Scott glanced up from his books. "Mind quizzing me on history?" he asked.
"Why don't you go study with Jean," Lance suggested waving toward the door.
"She opted for Honors US History, it doesn't her any good to study with me, Mr. McCoy stuck with the school's outline so you'd be able to graduate with the class, you're studying this stuff too," Scott pointed out.
"I don't study," Lance said. "Why don't you bother whoever you normally bother."
"Because Paul hasn't spoken to me since the school board decided mutants could attend public school," Scott said bitterly.
"What'd you expect, being friends with one of them," Lance said. Scott's shoulders tightened. Lance sighed. "Hand me the text," he said with a hint of an apology in his voice.
Gambit stirred restlessly, in his dreams he was eighteen again, laughing and joking, trying to get his thirteen-year-old cousin to lighten up and unwind.
Baleful blue eyes glared back at him, Remy reached out to ruffle golden blonde hair. "Seriously Et, jus' relax," he said as the younger boy ducked away from him. "Yo' know your stuff, yo're bon at it, yo' jus' choke when yo' t'ink too much 'bout failin'."
"I don' get a second chance on dis one, Rem. If I don' bring dat necklace back 'M out." Etienne said.
Remy glanced away and he was walking arm in arm with a dark haired girl who smiled up at him with love in her sparkling hazel eyes. She went up on tiptoe to kiss him, Remy pulled her closer, closing his eyes and losing himself in her kiss.
He opened his eyes and he was following Etienne across a darkened roof. Et disconnected a security wire and they lowered themselves through a skylight. They raced through dark hall on silent feet, then the lights flared on and a vicious laugh filled the room.
Glowing card flew from Gambit's hands, filling the halls with strobe like lights, delaying the beast of a man chasing after them. Remy shoved Etienne ahead of him as they fled. A picture window loomed up before them and they dove through it without hesitation.
Then they were back in the hotel room nose-to-nose and glaring. "We ain't goin' back," Remy declared.
"Hell we aren't, I ain't goin' back to N'awlens a failure!" Etienne yelled.
"Dey didn' sign yo' up for anyt'ing like dat guy," Remy argued. "Jean-Luc's a fair man an' a good leader, he'll understand. He'll let yo' try 'gain."
"No, if I pass on special dispensation I'll never live it down," Etienne protested.
"Mon Dieu Et, who gives a damn what dose morons say?" Remy exclaimed.
"It's different for you," Etienne said. "No mattah what dey say 'bout yo' everyone knows yo're a bettah t'ief dan dey could evah dream of bein'. Me, I still got ta prove m'self."
"A'right," Remy sighed. "Do the job, I'll draw out big, bad an' fury."
Images flickered rapidly on the screen of Remy's closed eyelids: Taunting Sabretooth. Leading the fearsome mutant on a merry chase across the rooftops of Pairs. Laughing with Et as the boy held up the glittering swag in triumph. Turning off the alarm clock so they'd miss their flight back to the states. Winning one more night in the arms of his raven-haired beauty. Coming back to a ransacked hotel room, the words, "Hope your girl tastes as good as she looks," written across the mirror in blood. A mad dash across the city to another devastated apartment and another bloody message; "Bring the sparkler to Notre Dame." Another pell-mell race across the city. A tense confrontation on a lofty rooftop; "Your choice boy, toss me the pretty and you get one of them back." The huge diamond pendant shining in the moonlight as it landed at the mountain man's feet. Ropes slipping through uncaring fingers. A vicious grin on Sabretooth's face. Remy's heart pounding in his throat, his body frozen. The sickening double splat. Racing down the stairs to collapse sobbing between two bloody and broken bodies.
Gambit woke gasping for breath, his face wet with tears. "Jus' a dream," he muttered, sighing in relief as he glanced across the hotel room to see the light from a street lamp gleaming off of silver-blonde hair that was free of blood. Silver, never gold, never again gold.
Lance stood at the bottom of the stairs, glaring up at them as if they were a hated enemy. He checked the lobby to make sure there was no one waiting to interfere, even though he'd deliberately waited until he'd known everyone was out before leaving the confines of the med-lab, still it never hurt to be sure, people were always forgetting things and coming back at the worst moment. Then he grabbed the balustrade with both hands and started making his laborious way up.
All his attention was focused on keeping his balance and lifting each foot high enough to clear the next step. Twenty minutes later he was three-quarters of the way up. His arms were shaking with exhaustion and a sheen of sweat covered his face. Lance glanced up, counting the number of steps left, then gritted his teeth and… lift one foot up…
"Lance, vhat are you doing!" an alarmed voice shouted.
Lance started, loosing his grip on the balustrade and falling backwards. Before he could hit the stairs Kurt appeared beside him in a cloud of sulfurous smoke, furry arms wrapped around his waist and a moment later both teens reappeared in a heap at the bottom of the stairs.
Angrily Lance shoved Kurt away from him. "I vas helping!" Kurt protested. "You could have gotten hurt."
Lance stared up the steps slamming his fist into the floor, defeat and frustration apparent in his face.
Kurt's eyes softened with compassion. "I could pop you up," he offered then quickly added. "Or I could show you the elevator."
Lance glared at him. "I can walk up a damn staircase!" he insisted furiously. Suddenly Lance's gaze flickered upward. "I'm not going to use my powers so get the fuck out of my head!" he yelled.
At the sound of Lance's raised voice Kitty came running, she took in the scene with a wince then silently joined Lance sitting on the floor at the foot of the staircase.
Kurt gave her a questioning look, wanting to ask if she could handle things or if there was something he should do to help.
Kitty glanced pointedly at the door. Kurt took the hint and left.
After a few moments Lance slumped against the newel post, Kitty could tell that he was biting the insides of his cheeks, eyes clenched shut, still shaking with exhaustion.
She sat beside him not saying anything, a long time ago she'd learned it was easiest if they didn't talk about the things they couldn't change, back then it had been the rivalry between their groups, the Brotherhood's perpetual money problems and the fights Lance was continually getting into at school. Now it seemed to be everything.
Kitty leaned against the opposite side of the post. Gradually without either of them really planning it, they shifted so the post wasn't in the way and they were leaning against each other.
She wished she could say she couldn't imagine Lance not being a part of her life, but she knew exactly what that felt like. She knew it was the last thing she wanted, but she didn't know how they could stay a couple when there was nothing they could talk about.
Lance's fists unclenched, his fingers sought out Kitty's, loosely interlacing with them.
He wondered if he'd fallen in love with her because Kitty reminded him of everything he'd lost. He could imagine Missy being friends with someone like Kitty; they would have liked each other. Normal seemed further away than ever, even the bazaar version of normality that he'd created with the rest of the Brotherhood was gone now.
Kitty's free arm slipped around Lance's shoulders, pulling them closer together. Her fingers played gently with the ragged ends of his dark hair.
She loved his stubborn pride. Lance didn't ask for help, he hated needing it. He always found ways to survive on his own, and to take care of his friends without turning to outsiders. That was just Lance.
Lance rubbed his cheek against the top of Kitty's head, enjoying the silken feel of her hair.
He'd saved her, Todd, Fred and the others who'd been captured. They'd needed him there and he'd accomplished exactly what he'd set out to do. He'd always known there would be a cost, it had been his choice to pay it and he'd won.
For a long time they stayed sitting there together while Lance recovered his strength. Then, awkwardly he clambered back his feet. Kitty stood beside him, her arm wrapped firmly around his waist, lending support and stability. When he opened his mouth to protest she scowled up at him. "I'm your girlfriend, if I want to walk with my arm around your waist, I can. All it means is that I want to be close to you."
For a moment Lance managed to hang on to his indignation, then he laughed softly. "You look cute when you frown," he told her. "Like a kitten." Then his expression became serious. "I'm a lot bigger than you, if I fall I'll knock you down with me."
"Then I guess you'd better not fall." Kitty said thinking that she could easily phase them both back to the ground so a fall wouldn't hurt.
Lance smiled again. "Yeah, I can handle that," he said.
Fifteen minutes later Lance pulled away from Kitty to collapse in an exhausted heap at the top of the stairs. She plopped down beside him. "What did you want to do up here anyway?" Kitty asked after a few minutes.
Lance looked at her blankly. Kitty giggled. "You forgot didn't you?"
Lance grinned sheepishly. "I don't think there was ever a plan beyond just getting up here."
"Well we should do something," Kitty said. "Or else we're just going to end up turning around and climbing back down."
Lance groaned. "How 'bout a nap?"
"Right this way," Kitty said tugging Lance back to his feet. She pulled his arm over her shoulders and together they stumbled to her room.
Fifteen minutes later Rogue returned to the room she shared with Kitty. "Yah two make a cute picture," she said.
"Shh," Kitty whispered. Lance stirred in his sleep, wrapping Kitty even more tightly in his arms, she smiling fondly, snuggling into his embrace.