Disclaimer: Characters herein do not belong to me, they belong to J K Rowling.
Warning: Slash. This means two men involved in a romantic or sexual situation. You have been warned.
Pairing: Remus/Severus
Spoilers: POA (Prisoner of Azkaban)
Dedication: This is for Lady1Almathea, for putting me back in touch with the love of my life. Words cannot describe the joy I feel right now. I have my Sev back, at least as a friend. And believe me, that's more then I ever hoped for. So thank you, from the bottom of my heart. Thank you!
Summary: Takes place right before POA. Remus has just been granted the position of DADA by Dumbledore, and decides to drop in on an old flame.
Author's Notes: This is another on of those personal projection stories. And it's fluffy and light and happy! Look! MY FLUFF IS BACK! I needed my Kitten for fluff. I couldn't do it without her. She is my inspiration, as well as the light of my life. This was written to the only Pink Floyd song that makes me think of Remus. All the rest make me think of Severus...
All That Will Ever Be...
Remus Lupin was terrified. Here he was, back at Hogwarts, allowed to be there due to special circumstances yet again. But now he was going to be the teacher, not the student. He had seen the advertisement, that a Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher was needed at his old school. He knew the position had a bit of a black cloud over it, but he needed the work badly, and Dumbledore...well, the werewolf was convinced that the headmaster would give him a chance. And he did.
"I can't thank you enough, Albus..."
"Oh, it's I who should be thanking you." The headmaster took Remus' hand, patting it in a fatherly manner. "You are going out of your way to be with us, Remus. And we thank you for it. And I believe you will make quite a professor."
"I'll do my best."
Remus smiled. What if he failed miserably? What if the students hated him, or if his malady were more obvious then he believed? And of course, there was Severus. It had been a damn long time since Remus had seen him, but his feelings hadn't changed.
//This is going to be a disaster.//
"You will, of course, need to speak to Severus about your potion."
"Of course." It seemed he couldn't escape it.
"He's in his office, if you'd like to do it now."
"Perhaps." Remus wasn't exactly keen on confronting the man alone in his office. But he did excuse himself, with another round of thank you's and hand shaking.
//Talk to Severus. I haven't talked to him in years. And that wasn't talking, that was being given the cold shoulder.// Remus sighed, wondering what he should do. It had been years since the 'incident'. And he had never moved past it. Sirius had always been afraid that Remus and Severus were friendly. He had had no idea how deep the feelings ran.
//something else Sirius managed to destroy.// But Remus didn't want to think about that. He'd rather think of Severus then Sirius. At least Severus was still he same as he had always been, and had only done what was natural given the circumstances.
//You should have told him. But you didn't. All in all, it's your fault.// A lie by the omission of truth, was all it had been. But Remus still kicked himself over it. He had thrown away what was, in his opinion, the greatest thing that had ever happened to him. And everything had gone downhill from there. Severus ignored his existence, and they had graduated, and Severus had fallen in with bad business, and then everything went hell.
And Remus had drifted. Living in his own world, ignoring the pain and the betrayal, and everything that had come to pass. He had told himself he was young, that he would be fine, better things would come. Life was long, and it wasn't going to flash by in the blink of an eye. He had no direction, no meaning, no purpose. He had convinced himself life was blissful, and he was free and there was time to kill and a whole world to see.
But then, suddenly, he had woken up and realized he was growing old. In his desperation to live life to it's fullest, he had let it pass him by completely. He was nearing forty, with nothing in his life. No friends, no home, no steady job. He had missed everything. He had turned a blind eye to what was important, and had missed what very well could have been his prime.
And now he was at Hogwarts, standing in the hallway deliberating what he should do.
//What could it hurt? The worst he's going to give you is indifference. He's the same...just older. So are you.// Where had all the time gone? He had so much of it...
//He could be angry with you. He could be cruel to you.// But Severus was rarely *angry*. Annoyed, yes. Aloof, certainly. But angry? Remus sighed. His feelings had never died. What about Severus'?
//He said he loved me. He can't hate me. That would destroy every fundamental belief I have about love. Love never dies. He may not *like* me, but he still loves me. He doesn't hate me.// But love and being in love were different.
//And what does it matter? It's years and years gone now! You've moved on, remember? You love him, yes, but you can love him from afar. You don't need to show him, or be with him, or be loved in return. You don't need that.//
The self argument was going nowhere. //Just...just go down there, be calm, and don't mention the past. Just give him your schedule, and then leave. You'll be fine.//
And he could judge exactly how the rest of his career was going to go. Feeling very self consious in his shabby robes-and suddenly very aware of the early grey and white in his hair-he headed down to Severus' office.
***
"Come in!"
That couldn't have been Severus...had his voice ever been that gravelly? Certainly there was that cultured inflection, that certain silky quality, but...//You've both grown older, remember.// Remus opened the door, forcing his nerves to calm. His stomach was a tight knot, and his body was trembling suddenly. He felt as though he was going to be ill, and he wasn't sure why.
"Hello, Sev." He hadn't meant to use the old nickname. It had just slipped out. //My god...he's...he's the same, but he's so different...// Time had taken it's toll on Severus, it seemed. He looked tired, and worn out. He was still as tall and slim as ever, his ebony hair the same as it had always been. Robed all in black, he looked like some sort of gothic creature. But there were lines on his face that Remus was unfamiliar with, and a pallor to his skin that looked unhealthy.
His greeting was met with a rather blank stare. But it wasn't anger. Severus simply looked at him, black eyes inscrutable. Remus gave a small, hopeful smile, and Severus gave a bit of a sigh.
"Lupin." He nodded, still staring.
"Albus...Albus thought I ought to talk to you about my potion. Give you my schedule and whatnot. I...I almost didn't. I was worried you'd be...I don't know. Angry with me. If you are, please don't show it. Be aloof, be uncaring, that's fine. But..." Remus paused, his words being swallowed into cool silence. "I've missed you." He ended up saying, not able to stop the words. "I'm sorry, I just needed to get it out there. I wasn't planning to, but I can't help it. I...I still love you. I'm not asking for anything back from you, and I don't expect it. I just...we're going to be working together. We should move past this. I miss you, and I love you, and I'm sorry."
Silence. Severus turned away, picking up a bottle off of his desk.
"I suppose you have a point." He finally said. Well, that was encouraging. "I am surpirsed, however, at your outpouring of sentimentality."
"You know me." Remus offered a weak smile to Severus' turned back.
"Yes." Another pause. "I've little to say to you, honestly. I am not attempting to be cruel to you, Lupin, I am being honest."
"I know." But this was going better then Remus had expected. He knew there was no chance he and Severus would be able to rekindle what they had had back in school, and that was fine. He did of course want that, more then anything, but he would be happy with friendship.
"And I will continue to be honest. I have not completely forgiven you. It's not something I dwell on. In fact, I've thought of you very little."
Well, that did hurt a bit. But Remus said nothing, just nodded. Severus turned back around, features still unreadable.
"But you are correct. We are going to be working together. And despite what the students may say, I have no designs on your position."
"I hadn't heard a thing." He hadn't. And he honestly didn't care. He was here, talking with Severus. And for a moment it was like old times.
"It's a favored rumor that they take as truth. At any rate, I will treat you as I see fit."
"And how do you see fit?"
"I suppose I can be civil to you in public." Severus said, eyes narrowing slightly. "But I would appreciate no further outbursts."
"I'll be good." Remus promised. "I just..."
"I know." Severus nodded, a touch of pain flitting across his face. It seemed as though there was something more he wanted to say, but wouldn't.
"I'd like...I'd like us to at least be friends."
"I cannot promise you anything, Lupin."
"You don't have to."
And then another tense silence. There was something there still, Remus was certain of it. He couldn't have all of this emotion and feeling if there was nothing on the other side. He wanted to go to Severus, to put his arms around him, but he knew he would ruin this tentative truce they had achieved.
"It's..it's good to talk to you again." Remus finally said, and to his surprise Severus nodded in what had to be agreement.
"I would be lying, Lupin, if I claimed I never cared for you. But that changes little. That was long ago. And before I knew your true nature."
Remus wasn't sure if he meant the lycanthropy, or the fact that he had hidden it. Remus just nodded, not wanting to risk Severus' wrath. Better to agree.
"Well...I have a few things I need to settle before I can take up my position." Remus finally said, knowing his limits. This was a good start. He would be back soon enough, within the month hopefully. He wanted to deal with his next transformation there, at the school.
"There's no need for you to be here until the week before the start of school." Severus said. Which made sense. Though it didn't explain what Severus was doing there, only two weeks after school had been let out.
"I'd...I'd like to be here. The next full moon."
"Ah."
"I'll let you get back to...whatever it is I interrupted. But I'll see you again."
"That's rather obvious, as we are to work together." There was a bit of venom in Severus' comment. He had always been prone to rapid mood swings. Remus nodded, sheepish smile, and backed out of the room.
That had gone far better then he'd expected. That had gone well, actually! Remus sighed, happily, a ridiculous smile spreading over his features. Severus. He had just spent the last fifteen or so minutes talking to Severus. And it hadn't been bad. He couldn't begin to put words to his feelings. He was...he was jubilant. He practically skipped down the corridors, light as air. Severus didn't hate him. Severus possibly even still loved him.
//I'm glad I did that.// And there would be more chats, Remus would see to it. They'd be working together. He could drop by after dinner, between classes, on weekends...and if nothing else, it looked like Severus was in need of a friend. And Remus was more then willing to be that friend, if only to ease some of the pain and stress he believed Severus was suffering.
//I'll go, take care of my affairs, and then I'll be back...// he almost didn't want to leave. He would have enjoyed to stay, to settle himself, and perhaps speak more with Severus...
//All in good time!// He assured himself. //All in good time...//
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