She gets up and crosses the room, deciding that its best to leave him
alone, for both of them, the door shuts behind her with a click and it is
only then that he looks up to reveal fresh tears running down his cheeks.
He had loved Chrissie and loved her because she was part of Chrissie and now every last part of her has slipped from his grip, faded away from view. He had never expected to feel this alone in the world, there had always been someone there for him, and now, he has no one. He looks out of the window, up towards the sky in which he wonders, is there somewhere else after earth you go? A long time ago he believed that there was something after death, somewhere nice and warm to go and now, now he isn't sure what he believes any more. His whole life has been thrown out of course within a few hours, in a few hours he has lost all and gained nothing, what in life is there for him to gain? When you have lost someone, you see no way out of the hole that you sit inside, dark cold and alone. Any escape from it, anything that you can still cling onto you will and that is what had lead him to Tricia in the first place, and now he has lost them both. Just a year ago everything had been different, each morning he had woken up with her beside her, he had fallen asleep with her in his arms and he had seen her smiling face every day, every moment he could. Now, now everything is dark, cold and he sees no hope, no future, how can he go on when every part of her has left him. He feels the tears running down his cheeks again, trailing down onto his chin of unshaven stubble, he doesn't even know how he let himself get in the mess he is, she would have hated to see him like this. She hated him. The harsh reality that she did seems almost unreal, unthinkable and yet he knows it is probably so close to the truth.
So many things still rush through his mind, things Tricia had said, that Tricia had stopped Chrissie from going back to Owen, surely it's too late to be going back on things you have done. He knows that there is no changing the past and yet it doesn't stop him from trying, from wanting nothing more than to change everything and make it all right again. 'Right', what really is right in his world any more, not one good thing still remained, and she was everything good he had, not even his job seems anything compared to her.
~*~
Ed looks around the room, it's so familiar to him and yet everything seems so different now, so dark and cold. As she enters the room he doesn't even look up, he knew Tom would send her down even though he said he needed to get through it on his own, someone needs to do something alone, someday. Thoughts about Jess still run through his mind, he had escaped here for somewhere to think and yet now, now he is reminded only of Chrissie. "Its okay to be hurt you know, sometimes." She says gently, she still doesn't know what to say to him, she knows he's hurting but there isn't anything she can do, Tom had said it himself, she can't bring Chrissie back, no one can. He leans back in the chair and stares at her with blank eyes, eyes that had once been full of love and compassion. "I'm going to be a dad." She smiles at him, her eyes lighting up her whole face and he notices how beautiful she really is, Tom is a lucky man. She looks down and writes something onto the paper as he turns his gaze towards the window, the rain still beating furiously at the window in a soothing rhythmical pattern. "But I can't let go" "No one is trying to make you, Ed; you have all the time in the world to get over it. Death is not something anyone takes lightly. It takes time but when you're over it all you will be able to think of is the good times, not the times in which you spent arguing. And if what you say is true, you have other people to be thinking of." He slowly inclines his head and she stands up, heading for the door, she places her hand on his shoulder and squeezes it encouragingly, smiling at him once again and departs leaving him alone, once again. One way or another he is always alone and yet he smiles just thinking of the future, a child with Jess, being able to be happy again, just maybe. He knows that Anita is right, he won't forget her, but in time, she will be easier to remember.
~*~
Ric sits in his office, going through old files, his mind still fixated on Diane; he still doesn't believe it's real, that she can love him. His thoughts are interrupted with the door slamming; he gently looks up over the folder to reveal Jess standing in front of him. He sighs, he doesn't need her asking him for money not after all the gambling he had done, he's just getting it all back on track. "Dad" She whispers gently, he knows the tone of voice instantly, she wants something and he knows he will find it difficult to say no, but he has nothing left to give her. "How much is it this time, Jess?" "No, dad, listen I'm pregnant." His fists clench at once, anger and shock taking over him like a deadly virus, controlling his every thought. This is something he hadn't expected, not for a second time. He looks into her eyes, finally meeting her gaze and doesn't see any fear this time, nothing but joy is buried in there. He wants to laugh, needs to shout, let his feelings be heard and expressed and yet he knows not to, each of his children have distanced themselves from him through it. He still thinks of Leo, his son who he had so many dreams for, that he was so caught up in the dreams that he couldn't see the unhappy son he had right under his nose. He had never listened to Leo, just pressured upon him the life he wanted him to live and now, he doesn't ever want to make the same mistake with Jess, he couldn't stand too loose her as much as he doesn't show it. "And the father is?" he says at last, just hoping that his anger, sadness and disappointment doesn't show through, he only wants what's best for his little girl. She hesitates, not sure what to say, Ed had never seemed the reliable sort, the kind of guy you could call 'daddy'. She remembers growing up, the daddy she had, had seemed so powerful, a guy to constantly look up to, but he had never been the loving sort and she knows what effects that has on children. She doesn't want her child to grow up crying at night just wondering where daddy is and what he's up to, wondering what sort of step-mum she would get next. But somehow, she is sure that Ed would never treat her like that, would always be by her side even if she had had her doubts before. "Ed" she mumbles, turning her face away from his, not wanting to see his reaction, see the anger rise in his eyes as it always did, to see the disappointment turn to a pathetic sort of sympathy. That look of disappointment she had witnessed so many times, and each time it cut through her, making her feel unworthy of her fathers love. He stands up, and walks towards her, placing his arms around her and holding her tight, something he hasn't done since she was a little girl. For all of her life all she had wanted was to be in her fathers arms, because when she was younger all her fears and worries would just blow away but never had he held her, maybe because he had always been disappointed in her. She places her head gently onto his shoulder, letting her tears run down into his shirt, this time her fears don't leave her, but knowing her father is there for her, helps. "I know I haven't always been there for you Jess, but I do love you." He whispers, maybe Diane had been right, he did need to talk to his daughter, sort things out between them because what a daughter really needs is to feel she is loved by her father. He has always found it hard to show emotion, to share it with others but he knows that it's about time he opens up and tells those he loves, that he really does love them.
~*~
Zubin looks up upon her entrance into the room, smiling slightly; he hadn't expected her to have been in work at all today. She places herself on the desk, looking down on him and places her hand on top of his, rubbing it gently and looking into his caring eyes. She knows he didn't want her in, but she couldn't stay at home when everything she wanted was at Holby.
"Didn't I tell you not to come in?" He says sternly, looking deep into her eyes with a look of deep concern. That tone of voice worries her, its one she had heard so many times before, in Simons voice, it was the tone he used when he was angry with her. Just simply bringing back memories of him brings tears to her eyes again, why when something good happens does she have to be reminded of him? She gets up and crosses the room, leaning her back against the wall, so many thoughts rushing through her mind.
"Kath, what are you doing back at work?" That tone in his voice still remains, the fear still flowing through her veins just like it always had, back in the times of darkness. She looks up, seeing nothing but a blurred image before her, a blurred image of a man, leaning forward, with that sense of power about him.
"Simon?" She whispers, without even realising it, she says it almost out of instinct.
He continues to stare at her silently for a few moments, no matter how quietly she had said it, he heard her, how could she have called him it? Not in his worst of nightmares would he hit a woman, or even frighten one as much as Simon had Kath.
"What did you just call me?" He asks her, the look of compassion vanished from his face, replaced with anger, hurt but most of all confusion.
"I, I. I don't know, I wasn't thinking. I'm sorry; you just sounded like him. you scared me." She mumbles, probably more confused than he is, the images of Simon throwing her across the room still vivid in her memory. She can still smell the blood that he left in the carpet, still see that look of anger in his eyes and as she looks up into Zubin's she sees that look again.
"How can you ever compare me to that man, it's as if you wish I was him, do you want me to be a wife beater, is that what you want?" He knows he shouldn't raise his voice at her, but with the rape allegations he had once been held against it all seems unreal that he is being alleged to have done something almost as terrible.
"No!" She slips down the wall, tears spilling gently down her face, fear seeping into every inch of her brain, its just how it started with Simon, she had been so happy at first, so happy.
"What are you accusing me of here Kath?" He asks, she doesn't even look at him, can't look at him, because each time she does she sees traits of Simon in him, just the little things that scare her more than anything. She looks up at the sound of the door slamming beside her, and the tears begin to fall harder until she can no longer see anything but a pool of sadness.
"I'm sorry Zubin" She whispers between heart-broken sobs, if only he could hear her.
~*~
Zubin looks up from behind a book that he is reading, the tears lining his eyes visible to Ric and Diane, no matter how much he has tried to conceal them. He hasn't been able to concentrate on anything but Kath and what she had said to him, the word 'Simon?' resounds in his head.
"What's going on over there Zubin?" Ric asks, as he is bent over the patient, the heart monitor flat lining in the background.
"Umm, I don't know!" He turns around to look up at the heart monitor, his insides churning, he has made a mistake, something is wrong with the patient.
"Zubin concentrate!" Ric tells him sternly as he watches the heart monitor carefully. Zubin jumps up and stands in front of it, monitoring it with precision.
He had loved Chrissie and loved her because she was part of Chrissie and now every last part of her has slipped from his grip, faded away from view. He had never expected to feel this alone in the world, there had always been someone there for him, and now, he has no one. He looks out of the window, up towards the sky in which he wonders, is there somewhere else after earth you go? A long time ago he believed that there was something after death, somewhere nice and warm to go and now, now he isn't sure what he believes any more. His whole life has been thrown out of course within a few hours, in a few hours he has lost all and gained nothing, what in life is there for him to gain? When you have lost someone, you see no way out of the hole that you sit inside, dark cold and alone. Any escape from it, anything that you can still cling onto you will and that is what had lead him to Tricia in the first place, and now he has lost them both. Just a year ago everything had been different, each morning he had woken up with her beside her, he had fallen asleep with her in his arms and he had seen her smiling face every day, every moment he could. Now, now everything is dark, cold and he sees no hope, no future, how can he go on when every part of her has left him. He feels the tears running down his cheeks again, trailing down onto his chin of unshaven stubble, he doesn't even know how he let himself get in the mess he is, she would have hated to see him like this. She hated him. The harsh reality that she did seems almost unreal, unthinkable and yet he knows it is probably so close to the truth.
So many things still rush through his mind, things Tricia had said, that Tricia had stopped Chrissie from going back to Owen, surely it's too late to be going back on things you have done. He knows that there is no changing the past and yet it doesn't stop him from trying, from wanting nothing more than to change everything and make it all right again. 'Right', what really is right in his world any more, not one good thing still remained, and she was everything good he had, not even his job seems anything compared to her.
~*~
Ed looks around the room, it's so familiar to him and yet everything seems so different now, so dark and cold. As she enters the room he doesn't even look up, he knew Tom would send her down even though he said he needed to get through it on his own, someone needs to do something alone, someday. Thoughts about Jess still run through his mind, he had escaped here for somewhere to think and yet now, now he is reminded only of Chrissie. "Its okay to be hurt you know, sometimes." She says gently, she still doesn't know what to say to him, she knows he's hurting but there isn't anything she can do, Tom had said it himself, she can't bring Chrissie back, no one can. He leans back in the chair and stares at her with blank eyes, eyes that had once been full of love and compassion. "I'm going to be a dad." She smiles at him, her eyes lighting up her whole face and he notices how beautiful she really is, Tom is a lucky man. She looks down and writes something onto the paper as he turns his gaze towards the window, the rain still beating furiously at the window in a soothing rhythmical pattern. "But I can't let go" "No one is trying to make you, Ed; you have all the time in the world to get over it. Death is not something anyone takes lightly. It takes time but when you're over it all you will be able to think of is the good times, not the times in which you spent arguing. And if what you say is true, you have other people to be thinking of." He slowly inclines his head and she stands up, heading for the door, she places her hand on his shoulder and squeezes it encouragingly, smiling at him once again and departs leaving him alone, once again. One way or another he is always alone and yet he smiles just thinking of the future, a child with Jess, being able to be happy again, just maybe. He knows that Anita is right, he won't forget her, but in time, she will be easier to remember.
~*~
Ric sits in his office, going through old files, his mind still fixated on Diane; he still doesn't believe it's real, that she can love him. His thoughts are interrupted with the door slamming; he gently looks up over the folder to reveal Jess standing in front of him. He sighs, he doesn't need her asking him for money not after all the gambling he had done, he's just getting it all back on track. "Dad" She whispers gently, he knows the tone of voice instantly, she wants something and he knows he will find it difficult to say no, but he has nothing left to give her. "How much is it this time, Jess?" "No, dad, listen I'm pregnant." His fists clench at once, anger and shock taking over him like a deadly virus, controlling his every thought. This is something he hadn't expected, not for a second time. He looks into her eyes, finally meeting her gaze and doesn't see any fear this time, nothing but joy is buried in there. He wants to laugh, needs to shout, let his feelings be heard and expressed and yet he knows not to, each of his children have distanced themselves from him through it. He still thinks of Leo, his son who he had so many dreams for, that he was so caught up in the dreams that he couldn't see the unhappy son he had right under his nose. He had never listened to Leo, just pressured upon him the life he wanted him to live and now, he doesn't ever want to make the same mistake with Jess, he couldn't stand too loose her as much as he doesn't show it. "And the father is?" he says at last, just hoping that his anger, sadness and disappointment doesn't show through, he only wants what's best for his little girl. She hesitates, not sure what to say, Ed had never seemed the reliable sort, the kind of guy you could call 'daddy'. She remembers growing up, the daddy she had, had seemed so powerful, a guy to constantly look up to, but he had never been the loving sort and she knows what effects that has on children. She doesn't want her child to grow up crying at night just wondering where daddy is and what he's up to, wondering what sort of step-mum she would get next. But somehow, she is sure that Ed would never treat her like that, would always be by her side even if she had had her doubts before. "Ed" she mumbles, turning her face away from his, not wanting to see his reaction, see the anger rise in his eyes as it always did, to see the disappointment turn to a pathetic sort of sympathy. That look of disappointment she had witnessed so many times, and each time it cut through her, making her feel unworthy of her fathers love. He stands up, and walks towards her, placing his arms around her and holding her tight, something he hasn't done since she was a little girl. For all of her life all she had wanted was to be in her fathers arms, because when she was younger all her fears and worries would just blow away but never had he held her, maybe because he had always been disappointed in her. She places her head gently onto his shoulder, letting her tears run down into his shirt, this time her fears don't leave her, but knowing her father is there for her, helps. "I know I haven't always been there for you Jess, but I do love you." He whispers, maybe Diane had been right, he did need to talk to his daughter, sort things out between them because what a daughter really needs is to feel she is loved by her father. He has always found it hard to show emotion, to share it with others but he knows that it's about time he opens up and tells those he loves, that he really does love them.
~*~
Zubin looks up upon her entrance into the room, smiling slightly; he hadn't expected her to have been in work at all today. She places herself on the desk, looking down on him and places her hand on top of his, rubbing it gently and looking into his caring eyes. She knows he didn't want her in, but she couldn't stay at home when everything she wanted was at Holby.
"Didn't I tell you not to come in?" He says sternly, looking deep into her eyes with a look of deep concern. That tone of voice worries her, its one she had heard so many times before, in Simons voice, it was the tone he used when he was angry with her. Just simply bringing back memories of him brings tears to her eyes again, why when something good happens does she have to be reminded of him? She gets up and crosses the room, leaning her back against the wall, so many thoughts rushing through her mind.
"Kath, what are you doing back at work?" That tone in his voice still remains, the fear still flowing through her veins just like it always had, back in the times of darkness. She looks up, seeing nothing but a blurred image before her, a blurred image of a man, leaning forward, with that sense of power about him.
"Simon?" She whispers, without even realising it, she says it almost out of instinct.
He continues to stare at her silently for a few moments, no matter how quietly she had said it, he heard her, how could she have called him it? Not in his worst of nightmares would he hit a woman, or even frighten one as much as Simon had Kath.
"What did you just call me?" He asks her, the look of compassion vanished from his face, replaced with anger, hurt but most of all confusion.
"I, I. I don't know, I wasn't thinking. I'm sorry; you just sounded like him. you scared me." She mumbles, probably more confused than he is, the images of Simon throwing her across the room still vivid in her memory. She can still smell the blood that he left in the carpet, still see that look of anger in his eyes and as she looks up into Zubin's she sees that look again.
"How can you ever compare me to that man, it's as if you wish I was him, do you want me to be a wife beater, is that what you want?" He knows he shouldn't raise his voice at her, but with the rape allegations he had once been held against it all seems unreal that he is being alleged to have done something almost as terrible.
"No!" She slips down the wall, tears spilling gently down her face, fear seeping into every inch of her brain, its just how it started with Simon, she had been so happy at first, so happy.
"What are you accusing me of here Kath?" He asks, she doesn't even look at him, can't look at him, because each time she does she sees traits of Simon in him, just the little things that scare her more than anything. She looks up at the sound of the door slamming beside her, and the tears begin to fall harder until she can no longer see anything but a pool of sadness.
"I'm sorry Zubin" She whispers between heart-broken sobs, if only he could hear her.
~*~
Zubin looks up from behind a book that he is reading, the tears lining his eyes visible to Ric and Diane, no matter how much he has tried to conceal them. He hasn't been able to concentrate on anything but Kath and what she had said to him, the word 'Simon?' resounds in his head.
"What's going on over there Zubin?" Ric asks, as he is bent over the patient, the heart monitor flat lining in the background.
"Umm, I don't know!" He turns around to look up at the heart monitor, his insides churning, he has made a mistake, something is wrong with the patient.
"Zubin concentrate!" Ric tells him sternly as he watches the heart monitor carefully. Zubin jumps up and stands in front of it, monitoring it with precision.