…I did it. I told Yami-chan she could write something humorous and when she didn't write it, I did it myself. I'm surprised I haven't done it earlier. I'm glad I did write this though; I needed something to write in this recession I'm in. The fics I'm trying to work on right now are "Adventures of Yami and Bakura: 3000 BC" and "Pegasus is Stupid2: The Dreaded Sequel." In the summer, I'm not motivated and the rest of the year I'm in school. It's hard, but I try only because this world needs humor and I have a need to write it.
Another chapter of "Pegasus is Stupid2" will be out soon. I just need to revise some of it.
On another note of you reading Yami- chan's "Lost Souls", she has finished the written copy. It is good. I have convinced her to do a sequel. It is entitled "Wandering Souls". She'll probably have a summery of it in her author notes in "Lost Souls". You can thank me later.
The following story is a sequel to "How Bakura Stole All the Millennium Items…" This story is entitled:
"…And How Malik Got Them Back"
By Unrealistic
Malik sat patiently at his desk. At the moment he was in the middle of doing two things. The first was that he was gathering up courage and will to reset a bone in his arm. That would hurt and Malik was not looking foreword to it. Isis had been the reason for this particular predicament. She had been most unhappy upon discovering the lack of Millennium Items in the Ishtar household. That was because all seven Items now belonged to Ryou Bakura. Or rather, his yami…but Malik was almost positive that Ryou was too innocent to be true.
The second was trying to write down various plans of revenge down on paper. Malik had found a good curse or two in his father's old scrolls, but there was a problem. Malik was right-handed. Isis had injured Malik's right arm. So now all Malik could do was stare menacingly at the parchment of paper, which was dimly lit by a bendable desk lamp. This whole effect was ruined by the fact that it was still daytime.
Isis had gone out to talk with Shadi about the Millennium Items, Rished had gone to college in Tokyo to become a psychologist: this all gave way to the next flow of events. In other words, Malik was alone in the house and the doorbell had just rung. Malik jumped in surprise. No one ever came over to the Ishtar household. If they wanted Isis or Rashed they would just call. No one trusted Malik; the crazy psychopath.
A few interesting things came from this surprise. The better of the two was that Malik had jumped up in surprise, landed on the floor and in a unusual display of protest to the laws of the universe, Malik's bone was set back into place. It hurt. Malik screamed then sat up and came face to face with Yugi Motou. Apparently, Yugi had been the one at the door. Yugi had that look in his eyes that clearly said, 'I am cute and pitiful and you are going to help me with my current problem which could be anything from bullies of the shadow realm to girlfriends'. The certain girlfriend, Malik remembered, that he had controlled with the Millennium Rod once. Malik got right to the point
"What do you want now, Yugi?" Yugi's eyes started to swell with tears.
"Bakura kidnapped Yami. I miss him." He said in the cutest, sweetest voice a teenager could possibly have. Malik was starting to get sick just looking at Yugi in his sheer cuteness. Malik was somewhat surprised that Yugi had realized that there was a spirit living in the Millennium Puzzle, but Malik was not surprised that Yugi was naive enough to come and ask him of all people for help. Especially since Battle City had only been a few months prier. Malik sighed. All Yugi was without the Puzzle was a typical perverted high school student and bully magnet.
"Yugi…go home." Stressing the 'go home' part.
"I'm not going home without Yami." Came the sweet little voice again. Accompanied this time by a cute shake of the head. Malik narrowed his eyes. Yugi widened his eyes in response only making himself even cuter.
"You do realize how disgustingly cute you are, don't you?" Yugi smiled and nodded. Malik groaned. "Okay you can help. Go sit on that chair and grab a pencil. Write down everything I say. Got it?"
"Yup!" Yugi replied chirpingly.
"Our first plan of attack is to use the god cards…"
"Yami has those with him." With these five simple words, that plan was out of the question.
"…Our next plan is to bring back …*shiver* …Selena…" Yugi looked at Malik with concern.
"Are you sure? The last time we brought back Yami's little sister from the dead we barely made it out alive."
In order to make the Pharaoh more secure in family life and to help him remember his past, the gang had revived his little sister, Selena. Now, nothing against Selena, she's a really nice OC, but she should just stay dead. It's that simple. It started off that Malik had been a prince and had been engaged to Selena in an arranged marriage back in ancient times. Shadi was trying to help the process along. Neither royalty wanted to get married anyway so Selena said that she would rather be dead. Everyone took it seriously and countered Shadi's spell that was keeping her alive. Not before a random bad guy from the past -if you want a name, call him Heishin - tried to get revenge on all of the ancient spirits for banishing him to the shadow realm. The good guys triumphed and life went on as normal again… and speaking of which, Yami never did get the memories he wanted from her…
"…Our third plan is to lure Bakura into a trap with … something…"
"That's a wonderfully thought out plan," Yugi complained, "Yami would have thought of something better." Malik fumed.
"Compare me to your dark half again and I'll make sure you make it to Sozoji's next all night live show…"
"I'll be good." Yugi squeaked.
"Our last plan will be number one in the book: To run blindly to Bakura, bravely announce our arrival and cream him at a shadow game." Yugi shook out his writer's cramp.
"I think I like that one the best. I'll go get Jou, Honda and Anzu." Malik thought about this for a moment.
"HOLD IT!!!!" Yugi froze in mid-run. "THEY are NOT helping. Do I make myself clear?"
"But…why not? Jou, Honda and Anzu always help." Malik sighed.
"Yugi, there is something I need to explain to you." Malik said in a calming voice. "Jounnochi is an idiot. Honda is an equal idiot with horrible plans-or so I've heard. Anzu, well I'm afraid that if I invite her, I may start to hit on her again and Anzu punches very hard." Malik looked down at Yugi, expecting to see the face of a helpless, still confused child. He saw the face of a crazed maniac.
"YOU'VE TRIED TO HIT ON ANZU?! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!!" Yugi lept for Malik's throat and the fight began.
"Yami…"started a quiet voice.
"QUIET!" Bakura yelled back to his light half. "I am conjuring up brilliance!" Former Pharaoh Yami and Hikari Ryou were seated on either side of a very concentrated Former King of Thieves Bakura, a title that he ironically stole from Aladdin's father…or was that prince of thieves, no, that's Youko Kurama. Could it have been Duke of Thieves? No, that doesn't sound right. Earl of Thieves possibly or Mayor of Thieves, since he came from a village of them. Do I dare mention it? Queen of Thieves?! Wait, I got it! Master of Thieves!!!!
For the sake of fanfiction, we're going for King of Thieves since he's older than Yami by at least seven years. His court consisted of Treasurer: himself; Secretary of War: himself; Jailer: Selena (which is just odd); Entertainment: himself (and his prisoners); Education: none available and many others that Yami decided not to include in Egypt's history.
The said pharaoh was not actually sitting like Ryou. He was floating Indian style. He's a spirit; he can do that. He didn't really want to be here, but because Bakura had the Puzzle he really didn't have a choice.
Bakura was walking back and forth. Since his last plan had backfired royally, he needed a new one just as good. Although just walking out into the middle of the street and sending people to the shadow realm was sounding better and better." I need to conquer this world." He thought out loud. "But how…" an idea struck him. "Pharaoh, god cards, now."
"Don't have them." Replied the laid back ruler, happy that Bakura couldn't use them against him. Plus he enjoyed seeing Bakura's response.
"WHAT?!!!" Bakura screamed as his eyes bulged out. "Where are they?!"
"Yugi's grandpa has them," Yami said smugly.
"Why… does that old geezer… have the most powerful cards ever created… in the history…OF MANKIND?!"
"Grandpa is always trying to sell them. I thought I'd humor him this ONE time" Yami said making sure he put on extra emphasis around 'one' to make sure his arch rival…err… one of them anyway, was suffering. Yami's results were achieved when Bakura found the nearest wall and started to bang his head against it.
"Does nothing want to go right for me today?" Ryou put a hand on Bakura's shoulder.
"Don't worry, yami. Everything will turn out just fine."
"No Touchy!" Bakura yelled, obviously very sensitive to sensitivity. Ryou quickly took his hand away and continued.
"I mean you've finally got everything you've ever wanted…"
"No Touchy!" Yami removed his hand from Bakura's head: A sad attempt at a Mind Crush™.
"I will conquer the city." Bakura finally decided. "You see, I would say the world, but as to not overwork ourselves and to take extra precaution and leave room for failure we will start by taking over the city of Domino! BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Ryou looked from Pharaoh Yami- who was sadly shaking his head at the findings of all the Excel Saga DVDs that Bakura owned to his own yami who was laughing manically.
"This is bad, isn't it?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
There Malik lay; a bloody mess of a human being. Malik decided exactly two hours ago, precisely when he and Yugi knocked each other out at the same time that Yugi hanging out with Jou and Honda was a very bad thing. The three of them were rubbing off on each other and when you throw Yami into the mix it's even worse.
Malik was now awake and Yugi was still unconscious on Malik's bed. Sleeping like a little angel. "Cute freak." Malik mumbled. He grabbed Yugi and started heading over for the Turtle Game Shop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
"Is this yours?" Malik asked Solomon Motou, holding Yugi up by his shirt collar. Before a reply could be made Malik walked into the Game Shop and put Yugi behind the counter as to not completely freak out the customers.
"Hey, I just got a Blue Eyes White Dragon… I wonder what that is?" asked a random kid in the shop. They kid then walked out the door, gave the card to his little sister who was waiting outside and the little sister proceeded to laugh and rip up the card and throw it into the garbage. Malik ignored him. It was hard. But Malik ignored him, but watched painfully as this all happened.
At this point in the story it would have been highly illogical for Malik's character to stay in the Game Shop. Yet he did because Solomon had the news on. It was shocking. Well, not that shocking, but surprising enough. On the TV he saw Bakura, evil as usual. The reporter was saying that Bakura was exposing the general public to a radioactive germ that likes to scream "Tomato" - the press was still unsure which way 'tomato' was pronounced in this case since they had not actually heard the germ for themselves. It was really just some dumb excuse that Yami had made up because he was getting sick of the questions.
While this was going on, Yami and Ryou had started a game of checkers off to the side. Malik could not believe his eyes. "The horror…it must be stopped! This time Bakura, you've gone too far." Malik said in a dangerously low voice.
"He's holding Yami hostage!" Yugi screamed, completely ruining the dramatic moment. Malik cried, for somehow being stuck with such a useless partner to save the world.
~~~ ~~~ ~~~
Hey, henchmen!" Yami and Ryou glanced up from their game. "Yes, you two! Get over here!" Both sighed, grumbled and got up to walk over to where their 'Boss' was waiting for them. Actually, Ryou walked; Yami floated. "I do not feel like using my AMAZING evil-like powers at the moment. I feel like ordering around a certain scrawny palace-breed freak."
"I am NOT scrawny!"
"You're so skinny I surprised no one has ever called you an anorexic."
"That was low tomb robber and when I get done with you the forensic scientists won't be able to decipher your DNA."
"High threats, but I have the Puzzle now so obey me and go Mind Crush™ that dog!"
"What do I look like a freaking genie?" Meanwhile, Ryou was having some troubles of his own. Since he was the only mortal and his yami had all the Millennium Items that meant that Ryou was host body to seven different spirits. And those spirits were looking for answers.
"Where's Malik?! I could go for a good killing spree right about now." = Rod spirit
"Oh, Shadi is not going to be happy when he finds out we're gone." = Ankh spirit
"That same Shadi you speak of SOLD US ON E-BAY!!!!! Now we belong to the frickin tomb robber!!!!" = Scale spirit
"As a judge you should have learned to control your temper more. I'm rather disappointed in you." =Tauk spirit
"Who died and let you be in control?" =Scale spirit (Pun very much so intended)
"Wait! You shouldn't be fighting at all!" =Eye spirit
All the other spirits looked strangely at Genji; the spirit of the Eye according to Yami- chan; the youngest Blue Eyes White Dragon who can turn into a kawaii human form at the speed of light. For more information read "Lost Souls".
Poor Ryou has to listen to all of this plus the argument between Yami and Bakura.
"Pharaoh I'm going to tell you one more time. Go Mind Crush™ that dog! "
"Why do you want me to Mind Crush™ a dog?"
"Because I want to see what happens? Maybe it will turn into a powerful duel monster." Yami sighed. "If you don't do it…I'll shatter the Puzzle"
"WHAT?!"
"Do it."
"Fine." Yami walked over and picked up the little doggie. It really looked like a cat, which made Yami a bit uncomfortable obliterating it. Before he could do anything a feminine voice broke the silence.
"Let go of our emergency food supply, MENCHI!" A blonde woman grabbed the dog and left. "Anything for you, Lord IL Palazzo!"
"But Senior Excel, the enemy seems to be right…" before the dark haired woman next to Excel could finished- she died.
"Not again Hyatt-chan!" With that the two left. Yami floated over to Bakura.
"No. Just no more Excel Saga references! I can't take it any more! " Then floated away a distance. Bakura glanced over just in time to see Ryou trying to sneak away with the Millennium Items and a melting pot.
"YOU TWO AREN'T DONE YET!" both sighed. "See that TV news crew over there? I'm going to use them to spread my message of doom to the world!" Ryou thought about this for a second.
"You mean Armageddon?"
"Of course not you foolish mortal. I'm not that powerful." Bakura then went foreword and captured the news crew, which wasn't hard because they gave in before Bakura even got there. He then began to give out his orders and forced them to do his evil bidding, which began with wanting a Krispy Kreme™ doughnut with sprinkles. OH THE CALORIES!!!!!
Yami floated up behind Ryou. "Apparently he doesn't realize that any of us Millennium Spirits can cause Armageddon."
"He used to," Ryou responded, "but then he saw the movie and Bakura doesn't think he can cause that kind of chaos. He says it's more of a Malik thing."
~~~ ~~~ ~~~
"Yugi, I'm going to tell you one more time; you are not going to help me…DON'T GIVE ME THAT LOOK…okay, I'm sorry I yelled- don't cry on me…. Okay, you can come." Yugi's eyes lit up like fireworks. "Thanks Malik!" accompanied by a hug.
~~~ ~~~ ~~~
"Is this stupid piece of technology on? Oh, I'm on the air? Now!? Ahem, Hello ignorant masses of incompetent fools, I am Bakura: The Greatest Thief in History and your new supreme ruler! If you do not acknowledge me as you leader I'll send you to the shadow realm- like this!" In a great ball of swirling blackness, Menchi the dog was sent to the shadow realm.
"Menchi, NO!!!! Will-chan!" the ball of swirling blackness sprouted arms.
"It's alright, Excel," said the feminine heavenly voice, "just reach in and grab her." As the sole member of ACROSS reached in for her emergency food supply, Bakura nonchalantly pushed her in.
"As you can see mortals, this can happen to you if you defy my authority! My henchmen will make sure of that! BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" The camera turns to face the reluctant henchmen. They are continuing their game of checkers. They look at the camera. Yami still floats wearing a scowl. Ryou waves nervously. "Hi Dad!" Bakura's arms reach out and pull the camera back to face him.
"Focus on me you fools- not them! Now, as I was saying…"
"Halt Villain!" interrupted a familiar voice.
"Malik?!" Bakura and Ryou asked in surprise.
"Yeah, what he said!" joined another.
"Yugi?" asked Yami, even more puzzled. (Pun intended)
"Yami! You're alive!" As Yugi tried to run up and glomp his other half, Bakura caught him by the collar.
"No one move or the runt goes to the shadow realm!"
"Whatzit realm?" Yugi asked. A cricket chirped.
"Do you mean to tell me that you don't know what the shadow realm is after spending almost a year with him!" Bakura yelled pointing at Yami who was conjuring up a spell for Armageddon to save Yugi. "Well, Pharaoh, what do you have to say to that?" Yami hid the brewing spell behind his back and whistled innocently.
"I didn't want to corrupt the kid. Too cute."
"I knew it" Malik whispered to himself.
"Hey, what are you doing here, Malik? Trying to kill Yami again even after we told you in Battle City he's already dead?"
"That wasn't funny. It was a beautiful plan."
"Besides the fact that I was already dead."
"Yes, except that."
"But, what are you doing here?" Malik stood straight up and spoke in his best hero voice-, which was doomed from the beginning because of the horrible voice he had already.
"I, Malik Ishtar have come to take back the Millennium Items and give them back to their rightful owners!" Inside Ryou's head the Millennium Spirits cheered.
"The voices in my head are speaking to me! Make it stop!!!!!"
Meanwhile, the news crew was having a hay day. "Get this on film! It's the battle of the century!"
"Millennia" corrected Yami who was just finishing up his spell of doom. Back to Malik and Bakura. Bakura had long since dropped Yugi over by Ryou and the two hikaris had started a game of 'Eye Spy'. The two had taken the game to a whole new level by using the Millennium Eye and chose objects in each other's minds.
"So, Malik, how do you plan to battle me without your Millennium Rod? We can't do a shadow game."
"Then we do the next best thing." Malik replied.
"Rochambo!" The two said together. "Rock Paper Scissors Shoot!"
"Ha! Rock beats Scissors! I win!" declared Malik.
"No!!!" Bakura sank to his knees." I was so close! Why must this be?!"
During all of this the hikaris are playing various other games with the other Millennium Items. With the Scales, they tried to see how much weight it could hold, brick by brick. With the Ankh they played a little game of "Trading Soul Rooms" based off of TLC™s "Trading Spaces"™. With the Tauk they tried to see who could see into the future farthest. Whoever saw Armageddon first won. The game didn't last too long because when Ryou went first he saw Armageddon right away. Reason being was because Yami had finally cast his spell.
First it started to rain. Then hail, lightening and thunder respectively. Then Sephiroth made a cameo appearance and cast meteor. As the said meteor dropped to Earth there was a big "BOOM" and everyone on Earth died. Everyone except for Yugi and Ryou; they were using the Rod's powers to see who could stay in the shadow realm the longest. However, since the cast of Dragon Ball Z also died in this horrific incident there would be none of that using Namek's dragonballs to revive the Earth business again. There was only one being who could revive the Earth now. Hit it, Will-chan!
"Here we go!"
~~~ ~~~ ~~~
Bakura groaned and slowly sat up. Everything seemed normal. The Ring was around his neck. Ryou was still alive and the Pharaoh was floating right in front of him…waitaminute.
"I woke up a while ago, Tomb Robber. Just thought I'd rub it in your face that your evil plan failed. Everyone has his or her Items back. Your just luck Shadi isn't pressing charges. Well, Yugi will be waking up soon. I have to make sure Grandpa doesn't fix him coffee again. Never will I ever again deal with a hyper active Yugi. See ya." On that note Bakura and Ryou were the only ones left in the room.
Ryou slowly woke up. "Yami, do I have to help you try and take over the world again today?" Ryou asked, somewhat whining.
"Oh, shut up Ryou." Was Bakura's only answer.
From the desk of Unrealistic,
I did it!!!!!!!! I've decided now that this is one of my favorite fics I've written. First I'd like to explain a bit about Excel Saga. It is a parody of all anime. A very funny one at that. Excel works for Lord Il Palazzo with her fellow agent, Hyatt. Hyatt dies every five minutes, but don't worry she comes back to life again. Lord Il Palazzo makes this speech in the first episode about how this world is corrupt and it needs ACROSS, their agency, to set it straight. He continues by saying almost exactly what Bakura says in his little speech. Hence Bakura watches too much Excel Saga. Many a time Yami- chan and I have joked about how Il Palazzo is Trieze Khusrenada's long lost cousin because he wears something like an OZ uniform underneath his cloak. There's much more to this seemingly pointless anime, but I don't have the time, nor have I seen all the episodes. Only the first nine.
All puns in this fic were intended.
Genji is Yami-chan's original character. We tend to share OCs within our fics.
Selena is also in "Lost Souls". Poor Malik will never be the same again.
Heishin is evil bad guy in "Lost Souls" and "Forbidden Memories".
I'll explain a little about the YuYu Hakusho reference. I refer to the fact that whenever someone new or a new attack comes up it is displayed in a little box on the bottom of the screen. This is because the anime's full title is YuYu Hakusho: Ghostfiles. They need that info for the files. I am trying to match them by putting ™ after everything. I kinda have a vendetta towards it.
In the manga they always use Rochambo to decide who goes first in a shadow game. Or so Yami thinks.
Sozoji is a character from the manga #1 (season1 in Yu-Gi-Oh). He is evil and has a very bad singing voice. He forces poor innocent classmates (like Yugi) to come to his "All night Live Shows". It was Yugi's third time going when Yami took care of him. Everyone fears the show.
Please review, I have an odd sense of humor and I need feedback for all of my stories, so even if you think your review doesn't count, it does!
In a desperate attempt to get reviews, Unrealistic is issuing a challenge. Give me the oddest fic idea in your head and I'll try and write something based on it. I don't do yaoi, yuri or lemon, but if it's wacky and silly, I'll do it and get back to you as soon as I can, thank you. Or at least try to anyway.
Until next time,
Unrealistic :-)