It felt odd watching him unlock the door. This was the kind of scene couples usually found themselves in, and she knew if anyone were watching, that's exactly the way they would see it.
That misguided outsider might think that she and Daniel had just gotten back from a romantic night out and were headed upstairs to spend a night of passion in each other's arms. The amusing thing was that, not including her bizarre encounter with Orlin, her 'dates' with Daniel were actually the closest thing she had had to a romantic evening since... well, since before she even knew Daniel.
She looked at him as he opened the door. He was breathtaking in his suit, like he had come straight out of GQ. She was still amazed that he insisted on dressing up for the movies just to make their evenings more 'special'. Although he never asked her to, she dressed up right along with him.
It occurred to her that one thing that could make the evening even more special was to get rid of his suit, her dress, and all other articles of clothing entirely. The thought ran through her mind, and her heart began pounding as she stepped into the building. She felt like a crazed, giddy teen-ager sneaking around behind her parent's back.
She walked slightly behind Daniel as they went up the stairs, admiring his body as his muscles moved beneath his clothes. It occurred to her that she and Daniel could be lovers and no one would know. 'Movie night' could be a code word for their secret rendezvous in each other's beds. While they were working late at night, they could lock the door and throw all those artifacts off the table then carefully put them back into place before anyone was the wiser. What would be so wrong with that?
She knew there was a world of things wrong with it. The lies and betrayal of her other teammates, friends, and superiors would be too much. She couldn't face them every day knowing that she was deceiving them. Of course, that didn't stop her from fantasizing about it. She had been doing that for years.
There was little harm in fantasy, but she realized that at that very moment she was literally taking the final steps toward turning that fantasy into a reality. She considered backing out and going home now before she got herself in too deep, but she was already inside the building, and she knew she couldn't come up with a believable reason for having to go now. Besides, Daniel had behaved like nothing but a sweet, innocent gentleman the entire night. She had no reason to think he had ulterior motives. They spent time alone together a lot and nothing ever happened. Why should tonight be any different?
She watched him stop and unlock his apartment door, imagining the two of them in a scene right out of the movies: He her pinned against the door as he fumbled for the lock, too caught up in the throws of passion to stop long enough just to open the door. When it finally opened, he lifted her and she wrapped her legs around him as he carried her into the bedroom.
When the door really did open, Daniel walked inside and flipped on the lights. Sam closed the door behind her, and he turned and asked, "You want some coffee or something?"
His voice startled her. She suddenly realized that neither of them had spoken since they entered the building. She couldn't believe she had been that lost in thought.
"Daniel, it's eleven o'clock at night."
"So that's a yes?"
A smile spread across her face, "One pot should be enough."
"Well, have a seat, relax and I'll be right back."
He headed for the kitchen as she took off her shoes and set them near the couch. Having done that, she walked after him.
As she came through the kitchen door, he gave her an accusing look, "I thought I told you to relax."
"You know that's the one thing I've never been good at."
"We'll have to work on that," he said as he finished filling the coffee maker. He turned on the machine then walked toward her and gently took her by the shoulders, turning her around and guiding her back through the door. "Now, you're going sit down on this couch and relax, doctor's orders."
She couldn't help but laugh. "You're not that kind of doctor."
He smiled and shrugged his shoulders as he turned to go back into the kitchen. Sam admired the rear view as he went, silently thanking the makers of his pants. Her smile grew wider as she pictured herself 'playing doctor' with Doctor Jackson.
"What are you smiling about?" he asked as he came back through the door carrying two cups of coffee.
She was surprised to see him standing there. She hadn't even noticed the door opening. "A joke I heard earlier today."
He walked toward her, setting the cups on the coffee table. "Oh, what was it?"
"Ummm... Ya know, I don't remember exactly, and now that I think about it, it wasn't really that funny."
He looked like he didn't quite believe her, but he didn't ask anything more. He simply sat down next to her, picked up one of the cups and handed it to her.
"I've been thinking about a lot of things lately," he said as he picked up his cup.
"Like what?" she asked before taking a sip.
"Like you, and how much you mean to me."
Her heart pounded uncontrollably in her chest. She was both excited and nervous. She tried to calm herself by taking deliberate, deep breaths. She didn't know whether she wanted him to say what she thought he was about to.
He set the cup back on the table then continued. "You've always been there for me, to support me and care for me. I want to be there for you too. Sam, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I love you."
She knew she'd heard him correctly, and now that the words were out of his mouth, she wished they had never come out. There had always been an unspoken bond between them, one that she feared would be ruined by these words.
She feigned ignorance, hoping he would lose his courage and forget the whole topic. She set down her coffee cup and did her best to sound casual. "I love you too, Daniel. You know that."
"Sam, that's not what I meant." After a few seconds, he looked at her, and she was caught in the trace of his shining blue spheres. "I mean that I am deeply in love with you."
She felt like she was falling. It was worse than she'd thought. He hadn't backed off and tried to save face by playing along. She wasn't at all prepared for this. She needed time. She turned away, unable to face him.
Fantasies were one thing, but this was entirely too real. This changed everything. How could she not have realized this was what he wanted? When she thought about it, she realized that she had known. It had been there plainly for her to see. The look in his eyes when she caught him looking at her, the way he constantly offered his help and tried to take care of her... She had ignored the signs though, too caught up in chasing after her fantasy to realize that the fantasy was chasing her.
She wished she could change the way he felt. She was happy loving him without any reciprocation. She had become used to it, and it was comforting to her. The thought of him loving her back scared her. She was sure that she would do something to destroy that love. Then she would be completely alone again, without Daniel as her safety net to fall back on.
"Sam, would you at least say something? Tell me you feel the same way or... or... that you could never think of me like that... Please just tell me something."
She wanted to tell him that she loved him, but she couldn't. She turned back to him, trying to speak, but unable to find the words.
"Oh," he whispered when he saw her face. His tone tore at her heart. She knew he must think that she didn't love him.
He looked like his world had been ripped out from under him or he had just lost his best friend. That thought hit far too close to her heart. She hoped she hadn't already lost the best friend she had ever had, the only man whom she knew she loved with her whole heart.
She expected to see tears rolling down his cheeks any moment. She hated seeing him like this, and she wanted him to stop hurting. "Daniel..."
"Boy do I feel like an ass," he interrupted.
She noticed his smile and immediately saw through it. She wished that it was genuine, but she knew he was just trying to be strong. She wanted him to know how much she cared. "Daniel, it's not that..."
"Hey Sam, you don't have to explain anything to me. It's okay."
She hated the fake smile. She would rather see him cry. At least the tears showed his true feelings. She knew she had no right to those feelings though, because she wasn't being honest herself.
She didn't know what to say, but she knew that she couldn't tell him the truth. All she could find the words to say was, "I'm sorry," as she turned away to hide a falling tear.
"Sam, really, don't worry about it. It's probably just a passing thing, like a virus or something. I'll get over it."
Those words cut through her like a hot knife, and she blinked back the tears that came to the surface. She didn't want him to 'get over it.' She wanted him to love her, and she wanted to show him how much she really loved him. She wanted to live happily ever after with him, but she knew that things like that never happened. Instead people, that she cared about died and the ones that didn't just left her. Daniel had already done both.
He didn't say anything more, and she watched his phony smile faded as he leaned forward to put his head in his hands. Usually she knew exactly how to comfort him, but now she was at a loss. She had never been the one inflicting the damage before. Now that she was, she couldn't just hug him or stroke his hair or even tell him that everything would be all right. This time, she couldn't make him that promise.
He turned to her and she saw his tears. As she looked at his face, she hated herself. Tears streaked his face all because of her. Daniel was the last person she ever wanted to hurt but she had done just that.
"Is it because of Jack?"
The question shocked her. She never thought that he might think such a thing. "Daniel," she called out, almost scolding him for having come up with something so ridiculous. She didn't know what else to say and didn't feel that the question deserved any more of an answer.
His voice was soft and low, but she heard every word as he asked, "Well, is it? Are you in love with him?"
The accusation was completely unreasonable, and in her eyes had no basis in reality. "I don't even know why you would suggest that."
"Gee, let me think."
His sarcastic comment hurt. He knew her better than to believe the stupid rumors that flew around the base. "Daniel Jackson, that has got to be the stupidest thing I have ever heard you say." So that there could be no misunderstanding, she spelled it out for him. "No I am not in love with Colonel O'Neill."
"I guess maybe you're still hung up on Martouf or Narim then."
The comment stung and she never believed he would sink so low. Accusing her of wanting Jack was one thing, but bringing up men who he had 'walked in on her with' and were now dead was quite another. She never expected Daniel to act this way. She thought he would be more understanding.
"Do you think the only reason I don't want you is because I want someone else?" she shouted angrily. "Maybe I just don't want to be with you!" As she shouted it, she meant it. He had brought up the one thing that could make her fume. She stood, no longer guarding her words. "But if you think that I want anyone more than I want you, you don't know me as well as you think you do!"
She reached down and grabbed her shoes. Without putting them on, she headed for the door. She raced barefoot down the stairwell with tears streaming down her face. As she neared the bottom, she thought she heard footsteps coming down quickly behind her. She was certain of it when she heard him calling her name. She ignored it and continued running out the door.
The sidewalk was cold beneath her feet, and she tried to wipe away the tears so she could find her way to her car. Luckily, she had parked close enough that it wasn't difficult to get to it, but when she pulled out her keys, she found it almost impossible to see the keyhole on the door.
That misguided outsider might think that she and Daniel had just gotten back from a romantic night out and were headed upstairs to spend a night of passion in each other's arms. The amusing thing was that, not including her bizarre encounter with Orlin, her 'dates' with Daniel were actually the closest thing she had had to a romantic evening since... well, since before she even knew Daniel.
She looked at him as he opened the door. He was breathtaking in his suit, like he had come straight out of GQ. She was still amazed that he insisted on dressing up for the movies just to make their evenings more 'special'. Although he never asked her to, she dressed up right along with him.
It occurred to her that one thing that could make the evening even more special was to get rid of his suit, her dress, and all other articles of clothing entirely. The thought ran through her mind, and her heart began pounding as she stepped into the building. She felt like a crazed, giddy teen-ager sneaking around behind her parent's back.
She walked slightly behind Daniel as they went up the stairs, admiring his body as his muscles moved beneath his clothes. It occurred to her that she and Daniel could be lovers and no one would know. 'Movie night' could be a code word for their secret rendezvous in each other's beds. While they were working late at night, they could lock the door and throw all those artifacts off the table then carefully put them back into place before anyone was the wiser. What would be so wrong with that?
She knew there was a world of things wrong with it. The lies and betrayal of her other teammates, friends, and superiors would be too much. She couldn't face them every day knowing that she was deceiving them. Of course, that didn't stop her from fantasizing about it. She had been doing that for years.
There was little harm in fantasy, but she realized that at that very moment she was literally taking the final steps toward turning that fantasy into a reality. She considered backing out and going home now before she got herself in too deep, but she was already inside the building, and she knew she couldn't come up with a believable reason for having to go now. Besides, Daniel had behaved like nothing but a sweet, innocent gentleman the entire night. She had no reason to think he had ulterior motives. They spent time alone together a lot and nothing ever happened. Why should tonight be any different?
She watched him stop and unlock his apartment door, imagining the two of them in a scene right out of the movies: He her pinned against the door as he fumbled for the lock, too caught up in the throws of passion to stop long enough just to open the door. When it finally opened, he lifted her and she wrapped her legs around him as he carried her into the bedroom.
When the door really did open, Daniel walked inside and flipped on the lights. Sam closed the door behind her, and he turned and asked, "You want some coffee or something?"
His voice startled her. She suddenly realized that neither of them had spoken since they entered the building. She couldn't believe she had been that lost in thought.
"Daniel, it's eleven o'clock at night."
"So that's a yes?"
A smile spread across her face, "One pot should be enough."
"Well, have a seat, relax and I'll be right back."
He headed for the kitchen as she took off her shoes and set them near the couch. Having done that, she walked after him.
As she came through the kitchen door, he gave her an accusing look, "I thought I told you to relax."
"You know that's the one thing I've never been good at."
"We'll have to work on that," he said as he finished filling the coffee maker. He turned on the machine then walked toward her and gently took her by the shoulders, turning her around and guiding her back through the door. "Now, you're going sit down on this couch and relax, doctor's orders."
She couldn't help but laugh. "You're not that kind of doctor."
He smiled and shrugged his shoulders as he turned to go back into the kitchen. Sam admired the rear view as he went, silently thanking the makers of his pants. Her smile grew wider as she pictured herself 'playing doctor' with Doctor Jackson.
"What are you smiling about?" he asked as he came back through the door carrying two cups of coffee.
She was surprised to see him standing there. She hadn't even noticed the door opening. "A joke I heard earlier today."
He walked toward her, setting the cups on the coffee table. "Oh, what was it?"
"Ummm... Ya know, I don't remember exactly, and now that I think about it, it wasn't really that funny."
He looked like he didn't quite believe her, but he didn't ask anything more. He simply sat down next to her, picked up one of the cups and handed it to her.
"I've been thinking about a lot of things lately," he said as he picked up his cup.
"Like what?" she asked before taking a sip.
"Like you, and how much you mean to me."
Her heart pounded uncontrollably in her chest. She was both excited and nervous. She tried to calm herself by taking deliberate, deep breaths. She didn't know whether she wanted him to say what she thought he was about to.
He set the cup back on the table then continued. "You've always been there for me, to support me and care for me. I want to be there for you too. Sam, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I love you."
She knew she'd heard him correctly, and now that the words were out of his mouth, she wished they had never come out. There had always been an unspoken bond between them, one that she feared would be ruined by these words.
She feigned ignorance, hoping he would lose his courage and forget the whole topic. She set down her coffee cup and did her best to sound casual. "I love you too, Daniel. You know that."
"Sam, that's not what I meant." After a few seconds, he looked at her, and she was caught in the trace of his shining blue spheres. "I mean that I am deeply in love with you."
She felt like she was falling. It was worse than she'd thought. He hadn't backed off and tried to save face by playing along. She wasn't at all prepared for this. She needed time. She turned away, unable to face him.
Fantasies were one thing, but this was entirely too real. This changed everything. How could she not have realized this was what he wanted? When she thought about it, she realized that she had known. It had been there plainly for her to see. The look in his eyes when she caught him looking at her, the way he constantly offered his help and tried to take care of her... She had ignored the signs though, too caught up in chasing after her fantasy to realize that the fantasy was chasing her.
She wished she could change the way he felt. She was happy loving him without any reciprocation. She had become used to it, and it was comforting to her. The thought of him loving her back scared her. She was sure that she would do something to destroy that love. Then she would be completely alone again, without Daniel as her safety net to fall back on.
"Sam, would you at least say something? Tell me you feel the same way or... or... that you could never think of me like that... Please just tell me something."
She wanted to tell him that she loved him, but she couldn't. She turned back to him, trying to speak, but unable to find the words.
"Oh," he whispered when he saw her face. His tone tore at her heart. She knew he must think that she didn't love him.
He looked like his world had been ripped out from under him or he had just lost his best friend. That thought hit far too close to her heart. She hoped she hadn't already lost the best friend she had ever had, the only man whom she knew she loved with her whole heart.
She expected to see tears rolling down his cheeks any moment. She hated seeing him like this, and she wanted him to stop hurting. "Daniel..."
"Boy do I feel like an ass," he interrupted.
She noticed his smile and immediately saw through it. She wished that it was genuine, but she knew he was just trying to be strong. She wanted him to know how much she cared. "Daniel, it's not that..."
"Hey Sam, you don't have to explain anything to me. It's okay."
She hated the fake smile. She would rather see him cry. At least the tears showed his true feelings. She knew she had no right to those feelings though, because she wasn't being honest herself.
She didn't know what to say, but she knew that she couldn't tell him the truth. All she could find the words to say was, "I'm sorry," as she turned away to hide a falling tear.
"Sam, really, don't worry about it. It's probably just a passing thing, like a virus or something. I'll get over it."
Those words cut through her like a hot knife, and she blinked back the tears that came to the surface. She didn't want him to 'get over it.' She wanted him to love her, and she wanted to show him how much she really loved him. She wanted to live happily ever after with him, but she knew that things like that never happened. Instead people, that she cared about died and the ones that didn't just left her. Daniel had already done both.
He didn't say anything more, and she watched his phony smile faded as he leaned forward to put his head in his hands. Usually she knew exactly how to comfort him, but now she was at a loss. She had never been the one inflicting the damage before. Now that she was, she couldn't just hug him or stroke his hair or even tell him that everything would be all right. This time, she couldn't make him that promise.
He turned to her and she saw his tears. As she looked at his face, she hated herself. Tears streaked his face all because of her. Daniel was the last person she ever wanted to hurt but she had done just that.
"Is it because of Jack?"
The question shocked her. She never thought that he might think such a thing. "Daniel," she called out, almost scolding him for having come up with something so ridiculous. She didn't know what else to say and didn't feel that the question deserved any more of an answer.
His voice was soft and low, but she heard every word as he asked, "Well, is it? Are you in love with him?"
The accusation was completely unreasonable, and in her eyes had no basis in reality. "I don't even know why you would suggest that."
"Gee, let me think."
His sarcastic comment hurt. He knew her better than to believe the stupid rumors that flew around the base. "Daniel Jackson, that has got to be the stupidest thing I have ever heard you say." So that there could be no misunderstanding, she spelled it out for him. "No I am not in love with Colonel O'Neill."
"I guess maybe you're still hung up on Martouf or Narim then."
The comment stung and she never believed he would sink so low. Accusing her of wanting Jack was one thing, but bringing up men who he had 'walked in on her with' and were now dead was quite another. She never expected Daniel to act this way. She thought he would be more understanding.
"Do you think the only reason I don't want you is because I want someone else?" she shouted angrily. "Maybe I just don't want to be with you!" As she shouted it, she meant it. He had brought up the one thing that could make her fume. She stood, no longer guarding her words. "But if you think that I want anyone more than I want you, you don't know me as well as you think you do!"
She reached down and grabbed her shoes. Without putting them on, she headed for the door. She raced barefoot down the stairwell with tears streaming down her face. As she neared the bottom, she thought she heard footsteps coming down quickly behind her. She was certain of it when she heard him calling her name. She ignored it and continued running out the door.
The sidewalk was cold beneath her feet, and she tried to wipe away the tears so she could find her way to her car. Luckily, she had parked close enough that it wasn't difficult to get to it, but when she pulled out her keys, she found it almost impossible to see the keyhole on the door.