Harry Potter and the Porta Potty of Peril
Disclaimer: I am not JK Rowlings, which should be obvious because JK would never write anything titled "The Porta Potty of Peril". At least, I hope not! Anyway, this is a fan fic so I'm posting this for fun and entertainment, not to make any money or anything. I don't own Harry Potter. Although, I'd really like to own a Porta Potty! (who wouldn't?)
This one's for you, Werewolf!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Harry, Ron, and Hermione were hanging out in the Common Room, and they were very bored.
"Wanna play Chess?" asked Ron.
"Nah," said Harry. "I hate Chess. You always beat me."
"How about Gobstones?" suggested Hermione.
"No, I really don't like Gobstones." said Ron.
"Why do we go visit Hagrid?" Harry offered.
They all agreed, grabbed their cloaks, and headed outside.
"So, um, have you guys heard about this wicked new Muggle invention?" asked Ron. "I read about them this morning in The Daily Prophet. It's really awesome! Wizard restaurants are going to start selling these soon, and there gonna totally revolutionize the way people eat! There made out of plastic, and it's half fork, half spoon. But that's not the coolest part! They call it, (get this!) A SPORK! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA Isn't that about the craziest thing you ever heard of?"
"Those damn Muggles." said Harry, grinning at Hermione, who was trying very hard not to laugh.
"What will they think of next?" Hermione said smiling.
"Yeah, it's too bad you are not taking Muggle Studies anymore. You could tell the whole class about the Spork and how really......WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!"
Up several yards ahead was a...
"A Porta Potty!" exclaims Harry.
"But what is it doing at Hogwarts? " asked Hermione.
Ron starred at the Porta Potty.
"Wow! It's amazing! It's glorious! It's splendid." gasped Ron. "This the most amazing this I have ever seen in my entire life!"
"Um, Ron, it's just a porta-potty. It's where people go to, er, relive themselves!" said Hermione.
"I think it's bloody brilliant!" Ron exclaimed.
"Oh my god." said Harry, rolling his eyes.
Ron rushed over to the Potra Potty. "I'm going to open it up and have a look at the glory within! Oh the beauty! Oh the splendor of it all!"
"No, don't! You mustn't do it, Ron! It could be dangerous!" yelled Hermione, holding back his arm.
"Now, really, Hermione! Do you honestly think there would be Dark Magic lurking inside a Porta Potty?"
"No, I was talking about the smell! It could be lethal!" answered Hermione.
"Oh right." said Harry.
"Don't do it, Ron!" they both yelled.
But it was too late. Ron had already dashed inside the Porta Potty to see what treasure lie within.
"Oh man! It does stink in here!" said Ron, pinching his nose.
"No shit, Sherlock. YOUR IN A F#%$^$# TOILET!" yelled Harry.
"Hmmmm." said Ron. "I wonder where Moaning Myrtle is."
"C'mon Ron." pleaded Hermione. "Get out of that damn Porta Potty! Your robes are gonna stink all day if you don't get out of there soon!"
"Well, okay." said Ron. "I'd hate to end my first experience with a Porta Potty, but I guess I gotta leave."
He tried to open the door but it was....
"LOCKED! THE DOOR IS LOCKED! OH MY GOD! I'M TRAPPED IN A TOILET!" yelled Ron.
"Maybe you have to PULL instead of PUSH." suggested Hermione.
"Yeah, try that. And don't talk in capital letters. It's annoying, dude." said Harry.
"Huh? What do you mean talk in capital letters?" asked Ron.
"Oh never mind." said Harry. "Just PULL that damn door open so we can get out of here."
"Right." said Ron.
He tried both pushing and pulling the door but neither did any good.
"Oh man! Being trapped in Porta Potty sucks." complained Ron. "And worse thing is, there's NOT ANY TOILET PAPER IN HERE!"
Harry and Hermione gasped.
"Oh, how horrible!" wailed Hermione.
All of a sudden, Lord Voldemort Apprated into the Porta Potty.
"Hey, wait a second, you can't Apprate onto the Hogwarts grounds!" Ron cried.
(Outside the Porta Potty, Hermione had a heart attack from disbelief that Ron actually paid attention to her when she was quoting Hogwarts: A History.)
"Well, you see, I can't Apprate onto Hogwarts grounds, but I can Apprate into any Porta Potty I want! It's a rare, ancient magic. You wouldn't know anything about it." said Lord Voldemort.
"Oh, okay." said Ron.
"And now that I have got you trapped in my Porta Potty of Peril, I shall finally get to kill you, Harry Potter!"
"Um, hate to burst your bubble, dude, but I'm not Harry Potter. I'm Ron Weasley, you know the loyal red headed side kick that only exists to provide comic relief."
Voldermort's face fell in shock. "What?! You mean Harry Potter could resist the allure of my all powerful potty?" He gasped. "It is true then! Harry Potter must have powers greater than those I have ever dreamed of!"
"Yeah, well, Harry is standing outside, I could go get him if you wanted me to?" Ron offered.
"No, I think I'll kill you first! Muwahahhahahhahhah Muwahahhahahhahhah MUWHAHAHAHHHWHA Muwahahhahahhahhah Muwahahhahahhahhah Muwahahhahahhahhah MUWHAHAHAHHHWHA MuwaMuwahahhahahhahhah Muwahahhahahhahhah MUWHAHAHAHHHWHA Muwahahhahahhahhah Muwahahhahahhahhah Muwahahhahahhahhah MUWHAHAHAHHHWHA Muwahahhahahhahhah Muwahahhahahhahhah Muwahahhahahhahhah MUWHAHAHAHHHWHAMUWHAHAHAHHHWHA MUWHAHAHAHHHWHAhahhahahhahhah Muwahahhahahhahhah Muwahahhahahhahhah MUWHAHAHAHHHWHAMUWHAHAHAHHHWHA MUWHAHAHAHHHWHA Muwahahhahahhahhah Muwahahhahahhahhah!"
But while LV was too busy with his Dr. Evil on crack insane villain laughter, Ron pushed the button and FLUSH!
"Lord Voldie go down the hole." said Ron as he watched Lord Voldemort swirl down the toilet and disappear forever down the pipes.
"That's what you get, you sick bastard, for inventing an evil Porta Potty and not stocking it with toilet paper!" said Ron, as the door magically clicked open.
"Hey, what happened to Hermione?" asked Ron as he stepped out of the deep dark clutches of the potty.
"She had a heart attack when she heard you say that thing about not being able to Apprate on school grounds. You know, since she has had to remind you about that like a million times every year." said Harry.
"Oh." said Ron. "Hey, wanna go throw water balloons at Crookshanks?"
"Sure." said Harry.
And they did. Everyone lived happily ever after. Well, except for Crookshanks.
You can't expect a cat to really like water balloons being thrown at him. Oh, and for Hermione, who was conveniently swallowed up by a giant plot hole. But who cares about her, anyway. We all like Luna Lovegood so much better.
THE END!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well, that was stupid and pointless, wasn't it? I dunno. I Kinda like this stupid story. Maybe if enough of you like it, I'll try to think of a sequel or something.
Disclaimer: I am not JK Rowlings, which should be obvious because JK would never write anything titled "The Porta Potty of Peril". At least, I hope not! Anyway, this is a fan fic so I'm posting this for fun and entertainment, not to make any money or anything. I don't own Harry Potter. Although, I'd really like to own a Porta Potty! (who wouldn't?)
This one's for you, Werewolf!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Harry, Ron, and Hermione were hanging out in the Common Room, and they were very bored.
"Wanna play Chess?" asked Ron.
"Nah," said Harry. "I hate Chess. You always beat me."
"How about Gobstones?" suggested Hermione.
"No, I really don't like Gobstones." said Ron.
"Why do we go visit Hagrid?" Harry offered.
They all agreed, grabbed their cloaks, and headed outside.
"So, um, have you guys heard about this wicked new Muggle invention?" asked Ron. "I read about them this morning in The Daily Prophet. It's really awesome! Wizard restaurants are going to start selling these soon, and there gonna totally revolutionize the way people eat! There made out of plastic, and it's half fork, half spoon. But that's not the coolest part! They call it, (get this!) A SPORK! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA Isn't that about the craziest thing you ever heard of?"
"Those damn Muggles." said Harry, grinning at Hermione, who was trying very hard not to laugh.
"What will they think of next?" Hermione said smiling.
"Yeah, it's too bad you are not taking Muggle Studies anymore. You could tell the whole class about the Spork and how really......WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!"
Up several yards ahead was a...
"A Porta Potty!" exclaims Harry.
"But what is it doing at Hogwarts? " asked Hermione.
Ron starred at the Porta Potty.
"Wow! It's amazing! It's glorious! It's splendid." gasped Ron. "This the most amazing this I have ever seen in my entire life!"
"Um, Ron, it's just a porta-potty. It's where people go to, er, relive themselves!" said Hermione.
"I think it's bloody brilliant!" Ron exclaimed.
"Oh my god." said Harry, rolling his eyes.
Ron rushed over to the Potra Potty. "I'm going to open it up and have a look at the glory within! Oh the beauty! Oh the splendor of it all!"
"No, don't! You mustn't do it, Ron! It could be dangerous!" yelled Hermione, holding back his arm.
"Now, really, Hermione! Do you honestly think there would be Dark Magic lurking inside a Porta Potty?"
"No, I was talking about the smell! It could be lethal!" answered Hermione.
"Oh right." said Harry.
"Don't do it, Ron!" they both yelled.
But it was too late. Ron had already dashed inside the Porta Potty to see what treasure lie within.
"Oh man! It does stink in here!" said Ron, pinching his nose.
"No shit, Sherlock. YOUR IN A F#%$^$# TOILET!" yelled Harry.
"Hmmmm." said Ron. "I wonder where Moaning Myrtle is."
"C'mon Ron." pleaded Hermione. "Get out of that damn Porta Potty! Your robes are gonna stink all day if you don't get out of there soon!"
"Well, okay." said Ron. "I'd hate to end my first experience with a Porta Potty, but I guess I gotta leave."
He tried to open the door but it was....
"LOCKED! THE DOOR IS LOCKED! OH MY GOD! I'M TRAPPED IN A TOILET!" yelled Ron.
"Maybe you have to PULL instead of PUSH." suggested Hermione.
"Yeah, try that. And don't talk in capital letters. It's annoying, dude." said Harry.
"Huh? What do you mean talk in capital letters?" asked Ron.
"Oh never mind." said Harry. "Just PULL that damn door open so we can get out of here."
"Right." said Ron.
He tried both pushing and pulling the door but neither did any good.
"Oh man! Being trapped in Porta Potty sucks." complained Ron. "And worse thing is, there's NOT ANY TOILET PAPER IN HERE!"
Harry and Hermione gasped.
"Oh, how horrible!" wailed Hermione.
All of a sudden, Lord Voldemort Apprated into the Porta Potty.
"Hey, wait a second, you can't Apprate onto the Hogwarts grounds!" Ron cried.
(Outside the Porta Potty, Hermione had a heart attack from disbelief that Ron actually paid attention to her when she was quoting Hogwarts: A History.)
"Well, you see, I can't Apprate onto Hogwarts grounds, but I can Apprate into any Porta Potty I want! It's a rare, ancient magic. You wouldn't know anything about it." said Lord Voldemort.
"Oh, okay." said Ron.
"And now that I have got you trapped in my Porta Potty of Peril, I shall finally get to kill you, Harry Potter!"
"Um, hate to burst your bubble, dude, but I'm not Harry Potter. I'm Ron Weasley, you know the loyal red headed side kick that only exists to provide comic relief."
Voldermort's face fell in shock. "What?! You mean Harry Potter could resist the allure of my all powerful potty?" He gasped. "It is true then! Harry Potter must have powers greater than those I have ever dreamed of!"
"Yeah, well, Harry is standing outside, I could go get him if you wanted me to?" Ron offered.
"No, I think I'll kill you first! Muwahahhahahhahhah Muwahahhahahhahhah MUWHAHAHAHHHWHA Muwahahhahahhahhah Muwahahhahahhahhah Muwahahhahahhahhah MUWHAHAHAHHHWHA MuwaMuwahahhahahhahhah Muwahahhahahhahhah MUWHAHAHAHHHWHA Muwahahhahahhahhah Muwahahhahahhahhah Muwahahhahahhahhah MUWHAHAHAHHHWHA Muwahahhahahhahhah Muwahahhahahhahhah Muwahahhahahhahhah MUWHAHAHAHHHWHAMUWHAHAHAHHHWHA MUWHAHAHAHHHWHAhahhahahhahhah Muwahahhahahhahhah Muwahahhahahhahhah MUWHAHAHAHHHWHAMUWHAHAHAHHHWHA MUWHAHAHAHHHWHA Muwahahhahahhahhah Muwahahhahahhahhah!"
But while LV was too busy with his Dr. Evil on crack insane villain laughter, Ron pushed the button and FLUSH!
"Lord Voldie go down the hole." said Ron as he watched Lord Voldemort swirl down the toilet and disappear forever down the pipes.
"That's what you get, you sick bastard, for inventing an evil Porta Potty and not stocking it with toilet paper!" said Ron, as the door magically clicked open.
"Hey, what happened to Hermione?" asked Ron as he stepped out of the deep dark clutches of the potty.
"She had a heart attack when she heard you say that thing about not being able to Apprate on school grounds. You know, since she has had to remind you about that like a million times every year." said Harry.
"Oh." said Ron. "Hey, wanna go throw water balloons at Crookshanks?"
"Sure." said Harry.
And they did. Everyone lived happily ever after. Well, except for Crookshanks.
You can't expect a cat to really like water balloons being thrown at him. Oh, and for Hermione, who was conveniently swallowed up by a giant plot hole. But who cares about her, anyway. We all like Luna Lovegood so much better.
THE END!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well, that was stupid and pointless, wasn't it? I dunno. I Kinda like this stupid story. Maybe if enough of you like it, I'll try to think of a sequel or something.