Hogwarts...The 'Insane' Asylum
By: DracoLishuzZ
Disclaimer: I WON'T WORRY MY LIFE AWAY! LOL. Jason Mraz - Remedy (I Won't Worry) anywayz...me no here me go bye you leave message me reply...sike sike sike...lol I don't own nothing cept this story...if you call it a story it's more of a humorous disturbing perverted drama lmao.
NOTE: I might've changed the chapter title...lol once again! Oh aaanddd...I'M GONNA CONTINUE WRITING THIS WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT! *blows a raspberry*
Note numba 2: oh and uhm...i reread this lots of times and it's not that funny...seriously...i couldn't think so blame my brain...oh and my monitor is like freaking out so yeah...
Chapter 4: D.E.V.P.T.D.H.P.A.C.I.F!
I like naming this chapter 4...lol or D.E.V.P.T.D.H.P.A.C.I.F hahah but chapter 4 is much more like it...oh and d.e.v.p.t.d.h.p.a.c.i.f. Means: Draco er 'Voldemort's' Plan To Destroy Harry Potter and Cussing In French!
-=-=-=-
Draco awoke from his spiked lemonade nappie.
"Goyle...what the fuck did you put in my lemonade?!!!" Draco asked.
"Uhm...sugar and various other things," Goyle said.
"Ah...ok then," Draco said. "I think we'll go back to the plan now...Is everything ready?"
Crabbe and Goyle nodded.
"Excellento!" Draco said. "Hmm...lemme try my French out first..."
"Ok..." Crabbe said.
"Bonjour, Je mapelle Draco Malfoy et tu?" Draco said to Crabbe. *I don't think I spelled it right... :/*
"Uhhh..." Crabbe said and stared into space.
Draco rolled his eyes and tried out the sentence on Goyle.
"Hmm..." Goyle said and he too stared into space.
"QUE LA BAISE?! VOUS DEUX AS STUPIDE ABRUTI! BAISE VOUS! BAISE VOUS DEUX VOUS STUPIDE ABRUTI!!!" Draco yelled in French and started to throw a tantrum while jumping up and down on the leather couch. *muahaha you'll have to find out what that means in French by yourself unless you IM me on aim haha...sn: DracoLishuzZ*
"What are you saying?" Crabbe said.
"Huh? Oh you don't need to know, anyway, is the TV ready?" Draco said impatiently.
"Yes, me lord," Goyle said taking out the script book again.
"How bout the dvd player and the dvd rom?" Draco asked again.
Crabbe nodded and pointed to a silver shiny box on top of a table next to a nice silver shiny flat screen flat paneled tv.
"Excellent, hehe...time to lure Harry Potter into the Slytherin common room then..." Draco said and set off towards the Gryffindor common room.
"Password?" The fat lady asked.
"Uhm..." Draco said looking around and luckily a stupid little first year got up behind him and squealed, "Shag me." The portrait opened and Draco crawled into the common room with the stupid first year.
As everyone noticed Draco Malfoy when he entered the common room they gasped in surprise and stared at him.
"What the fuck are all of you looking at?" He said putting emphasis on the word you. Everyone stiffened up and turned away.
"Anyway, has anyone seen Harry Potter? I have quite a nice surprise for him..." Draco said.
And then a person that looked like a 3rd year pointed to the boy's dormitories.
Draco didn't want to say thanks so he just flicked him off and went up to the dormitories.
"Oy! Potty! I gotta surprise for you in the Slytherin common room!" He shouted. As soon as those words came out of his mouth Harry appeared sitting down and looking up at Draco. Harry hugged Draco's knees and squealed, "Oh, I just knew you'd come back to me!"
Draco stiffened and looked down at Harry. "No, I didn't come back to you...I came for you, meaning that I Draco Malfoy needs something to be done and you, Harry Potter also known as Potter, Potty, Scarhead, and Harry, by many, should be the one to be doing that something that needs to be done,"
Harry looked up at Draco in a puzzled fashion. He did not get what Draco just said.
"What?" Harry said with his mouth open.
"Never mind you dolt, follow me," Draco said and walked out of the dormitory and common room with Harry closely following behind.
'Ha! I got the sucker to follow me...' Draco thought a smirk emitting from his mouth. They came to the Slytherin dungeon and Draco muttered the password (Supercalifragilisticexpeialidoshous). *I don't know how to spell it...*
They walked into the common room and sat down on a leather couch. Draco looked around, 'Where was Crabbe and Goyle?' he thought and they suddenly emerged carrying some chains and an electric chair.
"Whazzat fer?" Harry asked trying to sound casual but with a hint of panic in his voice.
"Oh...nothing," Draco said dismissively, "PETRIFICUS TOTALUS!" he aimed his wand at Harry.
Crabbe and Goyle suddenly took Harry put him in the chair and chained him there.
"HAHAHA!" Draco laughed high-pitched and very annoying. "YOU FELL FOR IT! YOU FELL FOR IT YOU IDIOT!" He said pointing a finger at Harry and jumping up and down.
"Hahaha," Crabbe and Goyle laughed stupidly.
"Hahahaha!" Harry laughed also. "I can't believe I fell for it! I'm so unlucky!"
"You're not supposed to laugh with us..." Draco muttered. "Anyway, Crabbe play the movie," Draco said and sat down on his favorite couch.
Crabbe pressed menu on the dvd remote controller and immediately pressed select as the cursor landed on play.
"Oh boy! Oh boy! What are we gonna watch?" Harry said his eyes darting excitedly as Draco muttered the counter curse for 'petrificus totalus'.
"You'll see," Draco said, "Accio popcorn."
"Oh boy! Oh boy! I hope it's Barney and Friends or better Elmo's World no wait...TELETUBBIES!" Harry screeched as the opening theme played.
"SHUT UP! I'm trying to watch!" Draco yelled hitting Harry on the back of his head.
"OWWWWWW!" Harry wailed.
"SHUT THE FUDGE UP!" Draco yelled.
"Cornelius Fudge? WHERE? OHHH! ON THE TV!" Harry said excitedly.
"What?" Draco said and laid his eyes on the television. "Goyle...What's Fudge doing in black lingerie with Professor Umbridge on the tv?" he asked.
Goyle shrugged and walked over to the dvd took the movie out and replaced it with a different one.
This time the movie played automatically and the scene landed right on Uncle Vernon's house of Privet Drive Number 4.
"Oh boy! Oh boy! I see your old house elf Drakiepoo!" Harry said staring openmouthed at Dobby and...Harry Potter. "Oh boy! What's this?" Harry squealed.
"It's Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets..." Draco muttered staring at Dobby in disgust.
"That Harry boy doesn't look like me!!!!!" Harry said in a voice that went low and high. "What's his name! I NEED TO REPLACE HIM!"
"I have no idea what his name is...but will you just shut up?" Draco said and picked up the remote to go to the bookshop scene.
The Draco on TV said, "Bet you loved that, didn't you Potter?" and "Can't even go into a bookshop without making the front page," and "Potter, you've got yourself a girlfriend!"
'Do I look that sexy?' Draco thought and picked up a mirror that was on the table next to his chair. He looked at himself and at Tom Felton on the TV. 'Do I, the strangely conceited Draco Malfoy look like that boy, Tom Felton?' He stared at Tom and then at his reflection.
"OH MY GOD!" Harry said. "HOW DID THEY KNOW THAT HAPPENED?!"
'Hmm...I don't think he looks better then me...does he?' Draco thought again and looked at Tom then at his reflection. 'Unless I have a twin...hmm...I shall ask father about this.'
"EEEK! YOU'RE FATHER LOOKS SO...FEMININE!" Harry yelled looking at Draco.
"Huh? Oh god...that's who they picked to play my father? HAHA! Quite a nice resemblance too," Draco chuckled.
"OH GOD! I CAN'T WAAATCH! THIS IS TORTURE! RON IS NOT SEXY IN THIS!!!" Harry squealed shutting his eyes.
Crabbe and Goyle were watching the movie and not blinking they were so engulfed into the movie.
"Heh...they picked the right person to play me! He's sexy, he's tall, his hair is just fabulous, his eyes are dashing, his smile is charming, aaaaannnddd to top it all off, he has all the right things I do!" Draco said merrily. "I'm so proud of the director..." and a tear went down his face.
"I CAN'T WATCH! NOO! NOT THE POOR FORD ANGLIA!" Harry said and knocked his glasses off his face.
Draco, Crabbe and Goyle were enjoying the scene and eating popcorn.
"EEEEK! THAT SO DID NOT HAPPEN!" Harry said. He was offended obviously. Then out of nowhere a snake came out from underneath the couch and slithered up Harry's leg. It lay on top of Harry's package and slithered around.
"OH GOD! I've just been violated by a snake..." Harry muttered. "Actually it felt kinda good!" *hahaha...THE GRIND COMERCIAL!*
As Harry laughed about his violation the snake suddenly got violated and sunk his teeth on Harry's package and Harry er...to put it simple he died instantly while no one noticed.
When the movie finished Draco stood up to look at Harry. Harry was lying there blood dripping, drool coming out of his mouth and his head lolling absently from side to side.
"Hey...are you ok?" Draco said smacking Harry. Harry's head rolled to the left. "Hey guys...I think he's dead...and this time the murder is not my fault..." Draco said and sat down on the couch. Suddenly the common room door opened and Snape walked in.
"What's Potter doing here?" He sneered his lip curling automatically.
"He uh...he came here to die, sir," Draco said.
"To die, eh? Well then that means I don't get to teach him anymore..." and as that thought came to his head Snape jumped into the air with a "yipee!" He did that for a loooong time and suddenly he straightened up and said, "This calls for a celebration-er-This calls for the attention of Dumbledore." and Snape hurried out the door to tell Dumbledore.
Suddenly Harry's ghost appeared behind Draco.
"HELLO DARLING!" Harry said and wrapped his transparent hands around Draco's neck, which didn't work because he was a ghost so he went through Draco.
"Oh god...he's still here guys...I think I'll call the Bloody Baron," and Draco went off in search of the Bloody Baron.
Ron and Hermione were walking through the corridors looking for Harry.
"I wonder where he went..." Ron said walking.
"Not me, I could care less were he went," Hermione said and stopped and stared at Ron.
"What?" Ron said and stared at Hermione staring at him.
"I mean, he's always wanted a threesome with us..." Hermione said.
"Oh yeah..." Ron said that thought finally coming to him. "I guess he won't have it then."
"OF COURSE HE WON'T HAVE IT..." Hermione said.
"True," Ron said.
"I really like you, Ron," Hermione said and leaned in to kiss Ron and they kissed and kissed and kissed and FRENCH kissed and ENGLISH kissed and GERMAN kissed and ASIAN kissed actually I really don't know what English, German, and Asian kissed is...but they did it anyway.
Around the corner Seamus, Dean, and Ginny were taping this.
"This is soooo good!" Dean said taping the scene with a camcorder.
"Yeah...But I wish it was me she was kissing though..." Seamus said.
"Well...for starters...you can kiss me?" Ginny suggested and Seamus turned around and kissed her and...well did everything Hermione and Ron were doing at the present moment.
Dean turned the camcorder to focus on Ginny and Seamus. Dean was cackling like mad. 'I have lots of blackmail!' he thought deliciously in his head. Suddenly a tape fell out of nowhere and hit him on the head. He picked it up stopped the camcorder and popped in the newly found tape and played it.
The tape was of Cornelius Fudge in black lingerie giving a naked Umbridge a nice little lap dance. Dean stared shocked and open mouthed at what he was witnessing.
He cackled like mad again and decided he'd show it to the Daily Prophet so he ran towards the owlery and took Draco's large Eagle Owl and climbed on aboard. He was soaring to the Ministry of Magic. And since I don't want to explain things he just ended up in the Daily Prophet place.
"I have a great story..." Dean grinned.
"Really? Show me," Some journalist said.
And Dean showed her the tape. She looked at Dean obviously speechless of this footage he had and she decided to write a nice story and submit it to the Quibbler and the Prophet.
"Soo..." Dean said very sure that this story was going to be in the Prophet. "How much do I get?"
"Oh you get a looot for this young man..." She said and beckoned him into her office were he gets laid for his very first time.
-=-=-=-
Hahaha...not really funny but perverted nonetheless...lolz. Gimme a review please...cruel comments accepted haha. Next chapter: Dean Gets Sued & Harry's Funeral ...Sorry it's not AS funny as the last ones...i've been feeling a bit off color.
By: DracoLishuzZ
Disclaimer: I WON'T WORRY MY LIFE AWAY! LOL. Jason Mraz - Remedy (I Won't Worry) anywayz...me no here me go bye you leave message me reply...sike sike sike...lol I don't own nothing cept this story...if you call it a story it's more of a humorous disturbing perverted drama lmao.
NOTE: I might've changed the chapter title...lol once again! Oh aaanddd...I'M GONNA CONTINUE WRITING THIS WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT! *blows a raspberry*
Note numba 2: oh and uhm...i reread this lots of times and it's not that funny...seriously...i couldn't think so blame my brain...oh and my monitor is like freaking out so yeah...
Chapter 4: D.E.V.P.T.D.H.P.A.C.I.F!
I like naming this chapter 4...lol or D.E.V.P.T.D.H.P.A.C.I.F hahah but chapter 4 is much more like it...oh and d.e.v.p.t.d.h.p.a.c.i.f. Means: Draco er 'Voldemort's' Plan To Destroy Harry Potter and Cussing In French!
-=-=-=-
Draco awoke from his spiked lemonade nappie.
"Goyle...what the fuck did you put in my lemonade?!!!" Draco asked.
"Uhm...sugar and various other things," Goyle said.
"Ah...ok then," Draco said. "I think we'll go back to the plan now...Is everything ready?"
Crabbe and Goyle nodded.
"Excellento!" Draco said. "Hmm...lemme try my French out first..."
"Ok..." Crabbe said.
"Bonjour, Je mapelle Draco Malfoy et tu?" Draco said to Crabbe. *I don't think I spelled it right... :/*
"Uhhh..." Crabbe said and stared into space.
Draco rolled his eyes and tried out the sentence on Goyle.
"Hmm..." Goyle said and he too stared into space.
"QUE LA BAISE?! VOUS DEUX AS STUPIDE ABRUTI! BAISE VOUS! BAISE VOUS DEUX VOUS STUPIDE ABRUTI!!!" Draco yelled in French and started to throw a tantrum while jumping up and down on the leather couch. *muahaha you'll have to find out what that means in French by yourself unless you IM me on aim haha...sn: DracoLishuzZ*
"What are you saying?" Crabbe said.
"Huh? Oh you don't need to know, anyway, is the TV ready?" Draco said impatiently.
"Yes, me lord," Goyle said taking out the script book again.
"How bout the dvd player and the dvd rom?" Draco asked again.
Crabbe nodded and pointed to a silver shiny box on top of a table next to a nice silver shiny flat screen flat paneled tv.
"Excellent, hehe...time to lure Harry Potter into the Slytherin common room then..." Draco said and set off towards the Gryffindor common room.
"Password?" The fat lady asked.
"Uhm..." Draco said looking around and luckily a stupid little first year got up behind him and squealed, "Shag me." The portrait opened and Draco crawled into the common room with the stupid first year.
As everyone noticed Draco Malfoy when he entered the common room they gasped in surprise and stared at him.
"What the fuck are all of you looking at?" He said putting emphasis on the word you. Everyone stiffened up and turned away.
"Anyway, has anyone seen Harry Potter? I have quite a nice surprise for him..." Draco said.
And then a person that looked like a 3rd year pointed to the boy's dormitories.
Draco didn't want to say thanks so he just flicked him off and went up to the dormitories.
"Oy! Potty! I gotta surprise for you in the Slytherin common room!" He shouted. As soon as those words came out of his mouth Harry appeared sitting down and looking up at Draco. Harry hugged Draco's knees and squealed, "Oh, I just knew you'd come back to me!"
Draco stiffened and looked down at Harry. "No, I didn't come back to you...I came for you, meaning that I Draco Malfoy needs something to be done and you, Harry Potter also known as Potter, Potty, Scarhead, and Harry, by many, should be the one to be doing that something that needs to be done,"
Harry looked up at Draco in a puzzled fashion. He did not get what Draco just said.
"What?" Harry said with his mouth open.
"Never mind you dolt, follow me," Draco said and walked out of the dormitory and common room with Harry closely following behind.
'Ha! I got the sucker to follow me...' Draco thought a smirk emitting from his mouth. They came to the Slytherin dungeon and Draco muttered the password (Supercalifragilisticexpeialidoshous). *I don't know how to spell it...*
They walked into the common room and sat down on a leather couch. Draco looked around, 'Where was Crabbe and Goyle?' he thought and they suddenly emerged carrying some chains and an electric chair.
"Whazzat fer?" Harry asked trying to sound casual but with a hint of panic in his voice.
"Oh...nothing," Draco said dismissively, "PETRIFICUS TOTALUS!" he aimed his wand at Harry.
Crabbe and Goyle suddenly took Harry put him in the chair and chained him there.
"HAHAHA!" Draco laughed high-pitched and very annoying. "YOU FELL FOR IT! YOU FELL FOR IT YOU IDIOT!" He said pointing a finger at Harry and jumping up and down.
"Hahaha," Crabbe and Goyle laughed stupidly.
"Hahahaha!" Harry laughed also. "I can't believe I fell for it! I'm so unlucky!"
"You're not supposed to laugh with us..." Draco muttered. "Anyway, Crabbe play the movie," Draco said and sat down on his favorite couch.
Crabbe pressed menu on the dvd remote controller and immediately pressed select as the cursor landed on play.
"Oh boy! Oh boy! What are we gonna watch?" Harry said his eyes darting excitedly as Draco muttered the counter curse for 'petrificus totalus'.
"You'll see," Draco said, "Accio popcorn."
"Oh boy! Oh boy! I hope it's Barney and Friends or better Elmo's World no wait...TELETUBBIES!" Harry screeched as the opening theme played.
"SHUT UP! I'm trying to watch!" Draco yelled hitting Harry on the back of his head.
"OWWWWWW!" Harry wailed.
"SHUT THE FUDGE UP!" Draco yelled.
"Cornelius Fudge? WHERE? OHHH! ON THE TV!" Harry said excitedly.
"What?" Draco said and laid his eyes on the television. "Goyle...What's Fudge doing in black lingerie with Professor Umbridge on the tv?" he asked.
Goyle shrugged and walked over to the dvd took the movie out and replaced it with a different one.
This time the movie played automatically and the scene landed right on Uncle Vernon's house of Privet Drive Number 4.
"Oh boy! Oh boy! I see your old house elf Drakiepoo!" Harry said staring openmouthed at Dobby and...Harry Potter. "Oh boy! What's this?" Harry squealed.
"It's Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets..." Draco muttered staring at Dobby in disgust.
"That Harry boy doesn't look like me!!!!!" Harry said in a voice that went low and high. "What's his name! I NEED TO REPLACE HIM!"
"I have no idea what his name is...but will you just shut up?" Draco said and picked up the remote to go to the bookshop scene.
The Draco on TV said, "Bet you loved that, didn't you Potter?" and "Can't even go into a bookshop without making the front page," and "Potter, you've got yourself a girlfriend!"
'Do I look that sexy?' Draco thought and picked up a mirror that was on the table next to his chair. He looked at himself and at Tom Felton on the TV. 'Do I, the strangely conceited Draco Malfoy look like that boy, Tom Felton?' He stared at Tom and then at his reflection.
"OH MY GOD!" Harry said. "HOW DID THEY KNOW THAT HAPPENED?!"
'Hmm...I don't think he looks better then me...does he?' Draco thought again and looked at Tom then at his reflection. 'Unless I have a twin...hmm...I shall ask father about this.'
"EEEK! YOU'RE FATHER LOOKS SO...FEMININE!" Harry yelled looking at Draco.
"Huh? Oh god...that's who they picked to play my father? HAHA! Quite a nice resemblance too," Draco chuckled.
"OH GOD! I CAN'T WAAATCH! THIS IS TORTURE! RON IS NOT SEXY IN THIS!!!" Harry squealed shutting his eyes.
Crabbe and Goyle were watching the movie and not blinking they were so engulfed into the movie.
"Heh...they picked the right person to play me! He's sexy, he's tall, his hair is just fabulous, his eyes are dashing, his smile is charming, aaaaannnddd to top it all off, he has all the right things I do!" Draco said merrily. "I'm so proud of the director..." and a tear went down his face.
"I CAN'T WATCH! NOO! NOT THE POOR FORD ANGLIA!" Harry said and knocked his glasses off his face.
Draco, Crabbe and Goyle were enjoying the scene and eating popcorn.
"EEEEK! THAT SO DID NOT HAPPEN!" Harry said. He was offended obviously. Then out of nowhere a snake came out from underneath the couch and slithered up Harry's leg. It lay on top of Harry's package and slithered around.
"OH GOD! I've just been violated by a snake..." Harry muttered. "Actually it felt kinda good!" *hahaha...THE GRIND COMERCIAL!*
As Harry laughed about his violation the snake suddenly got violated and sunk his teeth on Harry's package and Harry er...to put it simple he died instantly while no one noticed.
When the movie finished Draco stood up to look at Harry. Harry was lying there blood dripping, drool coming out of his mouth and his head lolling absently from side to side.
"Hey...are you ok?" Draco said smacking Harry. Harry's head rolled to the left. "Hey guys...I think he's dead...and this time the murder is not my fault..." Draco said and sat down on the couch. Suddenly the common room door opened and Snape walked in.
"What's Potter doing here?" He sneered his lip curling automatically.
"He uh...he came here to die, sir," Draco said.
"To die, eh? Well then that means I don't get to teach him anymore..." and as that thought came to his head Snape jumped into the air with a "yipee!" He did that for a loooong time and suddenly he straightened up and said, "This calls for a celebration-er-This calls for the attention of Dumbledore." and Snape hurried out the door to tell Dumbledore.
Suddenly Harry's ghost appeared behind Draco.
"HELLO DARLING!" Harry said and wrapped his transparent hands around Draco's neck, which didn't work because he was a ghost so he went through Draco.
"Oh god...he's still here guys...I think I'll call the Bloody Baron," and Draco went off in search of the Bloody Baron.
Ron and Hermione were walking through the corridors looking for Harry.
"I wonder where he went..." Ron said walking.
"Not me, I could care less were he went," Hermione said and stopped and stared at Ron.
"What?" Ron said and stared at Hermione staring at him.
"I mean, he's always wanted a threesome with us..." Hermione said.
"Oh yeah..." Ron said that thought finally coming to him. "I guess he won't have it then."
"OF COURSE HE WON'T HAVE IT..." Hermione said.
"True," Ron said.
"I really like you, Ron," Hermione said and leaned in to kiss Ron and they kissed and kissed and kissed and FRENCH kissed and ENGLISH kissed and GERMAN kissed and ASIAN kissed actually I really don't know what English, German, and Asian kissed is...but they did it anyway.
Around the corner Seamus, Dean, and Ginny were taping this.
"This is soooo good!" Dean said taping the scene with a camcorder.
"Yeah...But I wish it was me she was kissing though..." Seamus said.
"Well...for starters...you can kiss me?" Ginny suggested and Seamus turned around and kissed her and...well did everything Hermione and Ron were doing at the present moment.
Dean turned the camcorder to focus on Ginny and Seamus. Dean was cackling like mad. 'I have lots of blackmail!' he thought deliciously in his head. Suddenly a tape fell out of nowhere and hit him on the head. He picked it up stopped the camcorder and popped in the newly found tape and played it.
The tape was of Cornelius Fudge in black lingerie giving a naked Umbridge a nice little lap dance. Dean stared shocked and open mouthed at what he was witnessing.
He cackled like mad again and decided he'd show it to the Daily Prophet so he ran towards the owlery and took Draco's large Eagle Owl and climbed on aboard. He was soaring to the Ministry of Magic. And since I don't want to explain things he just ended up in the Daily Prophet place.
"I have a great story..." Dean grinned.
"Really? Show me," Some journalist said.
And Dean showed her the tape. She looked at Dean obviously speechless of this footage he had and she decided to write a nice story and submit it to the Quibbler and the Prophet.
"Soo..." Dean said very sure that this story was going to be in the Prophet. "How much do I get?"
"Oh you get a looot for this young man..." She said and beckoned him into her office were he gets laid for his very first time.
-=-=-=-
Hahaha...not really funny but perverted nonetheless...lolz. Gimme a review please...cruel comments accepted haha. Next chapter: Dean Gets Sued & Harry's Funeral ...Sorry it's not AS funny as the last ones...i've been feeling a bit off color.