*********************************TRApPeD************************************
Nineteen: Clash
By Annie
2003-04-13
****************************************************************************
Day Thirteen.
0.35 a.m.
Why was this happening?
She had asked herself that question in a variety of different emotional states this late afternoon and as it had slipped into evening and further into night she had still found no answer to tell herself. The void refused to give it and she refused to ask anything else, or anyone else...
Right now she was in a place of something very near relaxation and she was struggling to keep herself there so that she could finally fall asleep. With some rest in her perhaps this would begin to make sense - this, whatever it was.
What was it?
Wonderful, another question. And did she have an answer?
With a low huff she sat up and threw her covers off. Looking around at the people sleeping comfortably - and some not so comfortably - in Xander's basement she then slowly scooted to the edge of the sofa-bed and got off it.
"Can't sleep?" Willow whispered from her spot on the piece of furniture and Buffy spun around.
Willow looked at her, quizzical. This was the second time she felt as though she caught the Slayer doing something the latter didn't feel as though she should be doing, and Willow wondered why that was. Because what could Buffy possibly be doing that she might fear her friends disapproval of?
"No," the blonde now replied in a hushed voice, then she smiled a little. "I'll go out on a late night patrol. Get some of the tension off," she added and Willow nodded that she understood - though she rather didn't.
But then, I'm not her, she thought to herself as she closed her eyes again.
Buffy pulled on a pair of sweats and a black sweater, getting her hair out of her face by way of a ponytail she took another look around the room and then left it silently. The streets were quiet and deserted, as usual. After twelve patrolling was usually about sweeping the town, if she happened to stumble on a vamp feeding she got rid of it. If she happened to trip over a vampire taking a stroll, she got rid of it. But usually there weren't any saves. The vamps had hunted and now they were either filling up on the prey or... Actually she had no idea what else they did with their time.
She didn't care either.
Walking passed the Bronze she stopped for a second, finding herself in an alley that had seen its share of violence and death. It had also seen the first encounter she had ever had with...
And we're walking, we're walking, she grumbled in her head, continuing briskly on her way.
Reaching the fifth cemetery of Sunnydale she entered it and slowed down to a stop. Something was off. Turning around slowly she met the grinning fangs of a large vampire, standing ten or so feet away from her and she cocked an eyebrow.
"This is where you say 'Slayer'," she remarked and the vamp's grin widened - if that was un-humanly possible.
"So you're her?" it asked and she rolled her eyes, bringing her stake out.
"Been looking for me?" she wondered and it nodded as it slowly began to circle her. "Well, now what? I run screaming in sight of your masculine and monster-like power?"
The vamp laughed. It was loud and shrill and insane.
"Whoever had the bad taste of turning YOU?" she now asked and the vamp turned its yellow eyes in hers as it merely smiled at her again.
"I believe this is where we fight to the death," it mumbled, giggling to itself and she stared at it.
This was sort of new.
"Should we count to three?" she asked sarcastically and the vamp's face turned menacing as it stopped, holding her gaze.
"Three," it said and moved forward.
She ducked as it swung out an arm and then she put a hook of her right arm into its stomach. She didn't even get a huff out of him and her eyes grew slightly as it reached down to grab her shoulders. Rolling onto her back on the ground she got away from it and quickly flipped herself to her feet, turning to face it.
"I believe you lost something," it remarked, nodding to the ground at its feet and Buffy stared at her weapon.
A rush of panic rose in her and then she fought it back, getting into a fighting stance as she raised her head to meet its eyes with her own.
"Not at all," she replied and once again it giggled.
She fought the shiver of discomfort as it approached her cautiously. She got herself moving and met it halfway. Delivering hard blows to its face she made it take a few steps back. She felt she had the upper hand and got ready to swirl around, wanting to get in a kick so that she could get it away from the place where her stake lie waiting, but in that split second of steadying herself it saw its chance and it took it.
Its hands closed around her throat and her eyes grew wide with surprise as it lifted her off the ground.
"To the...death," it hissed as it bore down harder on her fragile airways and she saw glimmering dots before her eyes as she tried to claw the vampire's hands open.
And then she suddenly hit the ground with a low thud. Drawing deep breaths she began to try and stand up, the world swirling around her and she stumbled back down onto her knees, both hands at her aching throat as she raised her head to try and locate the enemy. Her eyes caught the shape of it right before it turned into a cloud of ashes and she leaned forward, beginning to be able to breathe a bit more easily she took in the sweetness of grass and earth beneath her, filling her lungs gratefully.
Someone kneeled beside her. She could smell leather; and that husky, undefined, underlying scent that was his and nobody else's. His hands grabbed her shoulders and pulled her up to face him. She didn't want to. She kept her eyes closed.
"What the bloody hell were you thinking?" he asked and at that she opened her eyes to glare at him.
"Don't touch me," she said, shaking his hands off her and with effort getting into a standing position.
He did as well, facing her.
"Where's your stake?" he asked and she bit her jaws together.
"I can kill without help," she growled and he wasn't sure whether she meant the help of a weapon or the help of him - she wasn't either.
"The stubborn streak - sodding splendid. Just what I need," he muttered and she shook her head at him. "I just saved your life!" he then exclaimed. "Again," he added and she raised her eyebrows.
"The first time you didn't save it," she then remarked and he tilted his head a little to one side, questioningly. "You just kept it from being spent in prison," she added and he cocked an eyebrow.
He just saved my life. He just saved my life.
The sentence wouldn't stop repeating and she felt her heart pounding in her chest as she stared at him. It had been pounding through the whole incident though, and so she felt rather secure in the assumption of him not reading anything at all into it.
But... why had he?
"Why didn't you let him finish the job?" she asked as casually as she could, clearing her throat as her voice was slightly coarse. "I thought you'd be sitting on a tombstone with popcorn and hands ready to applaud," she added and Spike couldn't help but smirk at that, then he grew serious and something in his expression made a well-known swirl appear in the pit of her stomach. "Never mind," she hurried herself to say, walking up to the fallen hero of carved wood and picking it up to tuck it back into its place before glancing at the vamp.
He wasn't looking at her. He looked thoughtful as he stared at a spot somewhere in the grass before him. His shoulders were slumped and his brow furrowed. And then he looked up, meeting her eyes with his and holding her gaze.
Finally she averted hers.
"I can't do this," she mumbled, more to herself than for him to hear, but he did and as she turned to leave he stopped her by asking:
"What can't you do?"
She shook her head.
"Nothing, let's just...not..." trailing off she took another step, but he had moved forward and now one of his hands closed around her left arm, spinning her around to face him.
"What can't you bloody do?!" he demanded and she tore loose, taking a step back.
"This!" she exclaimed. "I can't DO this, Spike!"
"And what the hell are you doing? What is it you're walking away from?" he inquired and she shook her head again.
"Stop it," she murmured through clenched teeth.
"I won't ever stop it until you TELL me!" he stated as she backed away from him.
Turning she began to walk. He followed.
"What do you wanna hear?!" she yelled, swirling back and facing him. "That I'm sorry about what happened? I am! More sorry than I've been in my entire life! It shouldn't have been allowed to take place between us! It was the hugest mistake I've ever made and believe me - it won't happen again. Not ever."
He sucked his cheeks in as he observed her skeptically and she let hear a small growl of impatience before she turned from him and started up the walking once more. And once more he followed like a tail, like a dog on a leash, like a shadow.
"Are you blind, deaf AND dumb?!" she burst out, glaring at him as she kept walking. "What I'm walking away from is YOU, only it doesn't work if you keep tripping over my heels - so STAY!"
He grabbed her arm again, this time his grip was extremely hard and she gasped as fingers of pain spread underneath her skin. Looking up at him she could see he wasn't having the time of his life either as the bond in his head tugged at him, and he slowly eased up his hold on her, though he wouldn't let her go and she clenched her jaws together as she met his gaze.
"I'm not some housebroken puppy. You may think me an animal, Slayer - I've thought myself that way too many times to give a damn - but if you think for one bloody second that I'm tamed you'd better be very sure... Or one day I'll prove you very wrong," he warned, voice low with threat and she glared at him.
"'Puppy'?" she then asked, giving his hand still around her arm a look before she rested her eyes in his again. "No," she added as he let her go. "I'd never think of you as anything lovable, Spike."
He beat back the wave of weakening pain that he actually felt at hearing her utter those words with a serenity of which her eyes proclaimed every ounce. He couldn't understand how he in one moment didn't want anything else than to be close to her in any way possible, and in the next he couldn't stand the sight of her and regretted ever stopping her on-the- threshold-standing-about-to-be-let-in death which had nearly enough stepped right onto her.
"You know?" she now said, crossing her arms over her chest and letting her gaze drift down over his form as though she was studying a bit of rock. "If you want me to feel actual fear when you try to threaten me you really oughta think twice about - oh, I dunno - jumping in in the knick of time to save my ass from being whopped and all that... It really messes up your image."
"But it's sucha delicious part of you," he replied with a sudden smirk and a sarcastic glitter in his blue eyes which had her remembering how he had gotten to her in the first place. "Without it I'm not sure I'd be this...hot when I'm supposed to be cold - and all that," he added, taking a step closer to her and she felt how she turned stiff with anticipation for his fingertips to grant her skin his touch.
Then she pulled out of it and shook her head as she took two steps back.
"This is..." she began, trailing off as she couldn't finish the sentence.
She wasn't even sure why she had started it. But something gleamed in the depths of his eyes and she couldn't interpret it; then he asked:
"What is this?"
She blinked. That question had haunted her since she left Xander's - but as she heard it formed over the vampire's lips she realized it had been with her for a lot longer than that. And she still had no answer to give neither herself nor him.
"What do you want from me?" she mumbled, shaking her head again. "Whatever it is, I can't give it. I won't."
"Which is it?" he wondered quietly. "You can't or you won't? You can't 'cause of who you are, or you won't 'cause of who you think you are? What do you want from ME, Slayer? What do you really want?"
"I want this to end," she replied.
"You want what to end?" he inquired. "One night and a few kisses?" He huffed, a condescending smile forming on his lips as he observed her eyes widening, hardening. "You gave yourself to me like it was the sodding easiest thing you ever did... Frankly, Slayer... I lost my interest right then and there." She moved forward with a snarl of fury, thrusting her hands upward to punch him in the face, but he caught her by the wrists, twisted her arms back behind her and pulled her to him instead - having her face just below his he continued: "What you can't come to terms with is how this, right here, makes you feel. How every nerve is on edge... how you have to get closer... how much you want this."
"Let me go!" she demanded, squirming as she tried to make him do what she asked and merely receiving a smile in return.
"I'll interpret that..." he murmured, moving his head forward and catching her mouth with his.
She tried to fend him off. She pressed her lips together, she bucked out and away from him, she struggled to turn her head away. But then his tongue somehow brushed her lips in some way that made them lose connection with her brain and all the will in the world couldn't save her as he was able to deepen the kiss.
Damn! Once again he had succeeded to twirl her around so fast that she lost track of where she had started, lost track of for how long she had been spinning, until she wasn't sure it wasn't her who was actually standing still and the world itself that was blurring past her.
The unbelievable rush he instilled in her was beginning to coarse through her and she told herself that she wasn't enjoying it as much as she was. That she wasn't kissing him as hungrily as she was. That she wasn't responding to him in the way that she was.
Then she tore away from him with as much force as she thought was in her and she took a few steps back as he slowly opened his eyes to meet hers.
"Why did you shut the door in my FACE earlier?!" she exclaimed and he sighed.
"Yeah, about that..." he muttered, giving her a look and she raised her eyebrows.
"Yeah?!" she asked and he shrugged.
"I just... wasn't in the mood," he answered and her eyes grew huge. "I mean..." he tried, but she was already to angry to listen to anything else.
"You are just too much. You come here and you save my life and you throw lies in my face..."
"Lies?!" he asked and she nodded.
"You say you lost interest - but THAT, what you just did, that's not interest lost," she stated and he cocked an eyebrow. She ignored it. "And you think that I'll what?"
"Confess."
"Confess?! Confess to WHAT? That I want you?!" she raised her voice and he merely eyed her as she approached him, continuing: "I want you. I want you so badly it makes my skin crawl! All right?! Enough of a confession for you? Happy now?"
"You wanna make me happy?" he asked, small smile on his lips and she pushed him backwards with another growl of anger.
"You always do that," she replied. "You never listen, you only hear what you wanna hear and nothing else. You put words in my mouth and thoughts in my head and I can't deal! Now, THIS I'm telling YOU - I want you, but I don't want to want you. I know this is all some kinda dance to you, but I never said yes to it. So this is me leaving."
"The dance floor?" he wondered wryly and she bit her jaws together before turning and walking away from him. "You know, it seems it doesn't matter how much you want me outta your life!" he called after her. "Our paths are just too...entwined!"
"Then take another route!" she yelled over her shoulder. "Mine's predestined!"
***
2.21 a.m.
She didn't want to want him? SHE didn't want to want HIM?! Did she for a moment think that he WANTED to want her? That he had wanted to have her on his mind every bloody second of the past two weeks?! Well, give or take a day or two...
No. He hadn't. He had never asked for this, never wished for this, never needed this to happen. Not once had he in his wildest dreams imagined himself wrapped up in her like this. And now...
Why didn't he listen?! Why hadn't he listened to that small, small voice that day in the basement - when this whole rollercoaster was set in motion - that had told him to hold back? It had told him with perfect clarity that if he didn't, he'd be lost.
He hated the fact that she was right - he was as lost as ever.
He despised the state he was in, the helplessness that came with it. There was nothing he could do to get it out of him and he knew it all too well, now that he could do nothing but admit it; admit the presence of something too strong inside of him. This emotion he harbored had always been traitorous, had always bloomed at precisely the wrong second in time. Had made him not be able to trust it or cherish it. He thought of it as cruel, unforgiving and most of all painful.
And now it was reaching for his heart again. He could feel the warm tips of its fingers as it got closer. Nothing. There was nothing he could do to avert this disaster. This pressing, earth-shattering apocalypse. His very own ending of his world. He could already feel the changes. They were starting to take place deep down within - shifting the structure of his outlook on the world.
Things could never just run smoothly, could they? Things always had to get messed up into complication, deeming them unrecognizable.
It was all her fault. It had to be. He needed somewhere to hang the coat of blame and her shoulders seemed as good a place as any. It was all her fault.
So where would he take this? Did he fight it until that bitter ending - or did he embrace it for what it was: inevitable?
Hate was so much simpler than this. Hate was raw and certain, it was something he could aim, it was dark - he could lean on it. But love...?
His eyes grew as he for the first time actually thought that word and everything in him wanted to cringe, but couldn't. Seeing her before him had him suddenly feel weak with defeat. Closing his eyes he let the image of her take all of the confusion away, all of the doubt and the sliver of regret.
How had it come to this? All these hours of nothing but battering each other, and this was what it came down to? For him... HOW the bleeding hell could he even...? But he did. He was falling head first, not a chance to catch himself and not a shred of hope in the world that she would.
This seemed to be his fate - unrequited love for all eternity.
He suddenly smiled to himself, opening his eyes and looking at the black TV- screen before him.
It was all too ironic. Laughable, even. The fact that Dru had known, so long ago... That she had pulled away from him because of it. It was all so clear now. Crystal thoughts piercing his mind.
I'll be damned if I ever tell her, he thought now, brushing the pictures of blonde locks and green eyes out of his head as he got to his feet. I can't ever tell her.
Perhaps in never doing so lie his salvation.
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Oh, wowdiwow. Lotta reviews. Did I stir emotions up with the former chapter or sumthing? Hehehe. Just glad there are no flashes as of yet 'cause reading that you're liking it still is SO much better. ;) Thanks so much for letting me know what you think! Oh, you are the bestest!!! ;)
Warm and special thanks to Renee' (*grin* I'm happy to have you guessing, but the drinking buddy thing is in season5, does not yet apply here...*wide smile* As always thrilled to read your review, girl, and so glad you're liking it!), Faith (I'm happyhappy you think that and, ahem - *LOL*), Captain (I bow my head, instoring the happy is one of the best parts) ;), Pine (Hehe, yeah, it wouldn't have been so easy to write the chapter unless I knew where I was headed with it. Riley and Buffy in bed is SO not fun. Hehe. Glad ya approve, though! And I did get my rest.) :), Haley (*makes big trainwreck crashing noise* *hopeful nod in agreement*) :D ;), Mel (*grin* The slap-factor is a well-known concept to me, yes. Glad you liked!) ;), Spuffygirl (Oh, well then I'm happy you didn't think it a waste of time once you finished! Thanks a LOT for that reassuring compliment!) :), Shippy (Good, very good. And thanks for that ;) and thanks so much for that compliment) :), wolf116 (ME TOOOOO! *smile* I won't tell, my friend. Never ever reveal your secrets before they're out there - that is simply my motto. Hehe, you'll have to be patient with me, k?) ;), VampiresKiss (Always glad when you check in at least once in a while! Good you're still enjoying!) :), Johanna (THANK YOU SOSOSOSO MUCH! Really, great to hear you still do and thanks for the Buffy comment. It's always a plus to be writing the charachters well!) :), charisma1525 (oh, but perhaps I'll end it with Spike and Riley getting along and him helping Riley to make up with Buffy since he realizes that a relationship between the two of them would be impossible and then he ends up actually being the BestMan at the two humans wedding?) ;P, Alyssa (aw, don't be HAPPY the poor wanker got hurt *sarcasm* ;) And good that you got to read what you needed!) :), Andi (It's cool, I'm glad to hear from you now. Glad that you wrote me to deliver the happy news of you liking it too! Thank you!) ;), Rachel (Another one that's been with this from the start - and again I'm happy to hear from you now! ;) Great, great that you enjoy! Thanks for letting me know!) :), Heather (oh, I'm so happy you liked! :) Haha to that! ;) Hope this was agreeable as well...) :) and LizDarcy (*grin*) - to all of you just a great, huge, ten thousand yards high, painted Vanilla Sky or Once More With Feeling (your preferred taste, of course) sign just standing tall and proud proclaiming how happy I am that you're still liking this spelling Thank You All! ;)
Oh, and Renee' - sorry I didn't reply to the Dawn question that you asked like WAY back! Um, I don't think she'll be introduced since she's not born yet, but since I have no idea how long this story will stretch I dunno if she might come in later... We'll have to see how it pans out.
Thanks again, y'all! 'Til next time, eh? ;)
A.M.L, Annie.
Nineteen: Clash
By Annie
2003-04-13
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Day Thirteen.
0.35 a.m.
Why was this happening?
She had asked herself that question in a variety of different emotional states this late afternoon and as it had slipped into evening and further into night she had still found no answer to tell herself. The void refused to give it and she refused to ask anything else, or anyone else...
Right now she was in a place of something very near relaxation and she was struggling to keep herself there so that she could finally fall asleep. With some rest in her perhaps this would begin to make sense - this, whatever it was.
What was it?
Wonderful, another question. And did she have an answer?
With a low huff she sat up and threw her covers off. Looking around at the people sleeping comfortably - and some not so comfortably - in Xander's basement she then slowly scooted to the edge of the sofa-bed and got off it.
"Can't sleep?" Willow whispered from her spot on the piece of furniture and Buffy spun around.
Willow looked at her, quizzical. This was the second time she felt as though she caught the Slayer doing something the latter didn't feel as though she should be doing, and Willow wondered why that was. Because what could Buffy possibly be doing that she might fear her friends disapproval of?
"No," the blonde now replied in a hushed voice, then she smiled a little. "I'll go out on a late night patrol. Get some of the tension off," she added and Willow nodded that she understood - though she rather didn't.
But then, I'm not her, she thought to herself as she closed her eyes again.
Buffy pulled on a pair of sweats and a black sweater, getting her hair out of her face by way of a ponytail she took another look around the room and then left it silently. The streets were quiet and deserted, as usual. After twelve patrolling was usually about sweeping the town, if she happened to stumble on a vamp feeding she got rid of it. If she happened to trip over a vampire taking a stroll, she got rid of it. But usually there weren't any saves. The vamps had hunted and now they were either filling up on the prey or... Actually she had no idea what else they did with their time.
She didn't care either.
Walking passed the Bronze she stopped for a second, finding herself in an alley that had seen its share of violence and death. It had also seen the first encounter she had ever had with...
And we're walking, we're walking, she grumbled in her head, continuing briskly on her way.
Reaching the fifth cemetery of Sunnydale she entered it and slowed down to a stop. Something was off. Turning around slowly she met the grinning fangs of a large vampire, standing ten or so feet away from her and she cocked an eyebrow.
"This is where you say 'Slayer'," she remarked and the vamp's grin widened - if that was un-humanly possible.
"So you're her?" it asked and she rolled her eyes, bringing her stake out.
"Been looking for me?" she wondered and it nodded as it slowly began to circle her. "Well, now what? I run screaming in sight of your masculine and monster-like power?"
The vamp laughed. It was loud and shrill and insane.
"Whoever had the bad taste of turning YOU?" she now asked and the vamp turned its yellow eyes in hers as it merely smiled at her again.
"I believe this is where we fight to the death," it mumbled, giggling to itself and she stared at it.
This was sort of new.
"Should we count to three?" she asked sarcastically and the vamp's face turned menacing as it stopped, holding her gaze.
"Three," it said and moved forward.
She ducked as it swung out an arm and then she put a hook of her right arm into its stomach. She didn't even get a huff out of him and her eyes grew slightly as it reached down to grab her shoulders. Rolling onto her back on the ground she got away from it and quickly flipped herself to her feet, turning to face it.
"I believe you lost something," it remarked, nodding to the ground at its feet and Buffy stared at her weapon.
A rush of panic rose in her and then she fought it back, getting into a fighting stance as she raised her head to meet its eyes with her own.
"Not at all," she replied and once again it giggled.
She fought the shiver of discomfort as it approached her cautiously. She got herself moving and met it halfway. Delivering hard blows to its face she made it take a few steps back. She felt she had the upper hand and got ready to swirl around, wanting to get in a kick so that she could get it away from the place where her stake lie waiting, but in that split second of steadying herself it saw its chance and it took it.
Its hands closed around her throat and her eyes grew wide with surprise as it lifted her off the ground.
"To the...death," it hissed as it bore down harder on her fragile airways and she saw glimmering dots before her eyes as she tried to claw the vampire's hands open.
And then she suddenly hit the ground with a low thud. Drawing deep breaths she began to try and stand up, the world swirling around her and she stumbled back down onto her knees, both hands at her aching throat as she raised her head to try and locate the enemy. Her eyes caught the shape of it right before it turned into a cloud of ashes and she leaned forward, beginning to be able to breathe a bit more easily she took in the sweetness of grass and earth beneath her, filling her lungs gratefully.
Someone kneeled beside her. She could smell leather; and that husky, undefined, underlying scent that was his and nobody else's. His hands grabbed her shoulders and pulled her up to face him. She didn't want to. She kept her eyes closed.
"What the bloody hell were you thinking?" he asked and at that she opened her eyes to glare at him.
"Don't touch me," she said, shaking his hands off her and with effort getting into a standing position.
He did as well, facing her.
"Where's your stake?" he asked and she bit her jaws together.
"I can kill without help," she growled and he wasn't sure whether she meant the help of a weapon or the help of him - she wasn't either.
"The stubborn streak - sodding splendid. Just what I need," he muttered and she shook her head at him. "I just saved your life!" he then exclaimed. "Again," he added and she raised her eyebrows.
"The first time you didn't save it," she then remarked and he tilted his head a little to one side, questioningly. "You just kept it from being spent in prison," she added and he cocked an eyebrow.
He just saved my life. He just saved my life.
The sentence wouldn't stop repeating and she felt her heart pounding in her chest as she stared at him. It had been pounding through the whole incident though, and so she felt rather secure in the assumption of him not reading anything at all into it.
But... why had he?
"Why didn't you let him finish the job?" she asked as casually as she could, clearing her throat as her voice was slightly coarse. "I thought you'd be sitting on a tombstone with popcorn and hands ready to applaud," she added and Spike couldn't help but smirk at that, then he grew serious and something in his expression made a well-known swirl appear in the pit of her stomach. "Never mind," she hurried herself to say, walking up to the fallen hero of carved wood and picking it up to tuck it back into its place before glancing at the vamp.
He wasn't looking at her. He looked thoughtful as he stared at a spot somewhere in the grass before him. His shoulders were slumped and his brow furrowed. And then he looked up, meeting her eyes with his and holding her gaze.
Finally she averted hers.
"I can't do this," she mumbled, more to herself than for him to hear, but he did and as she turned to leave he stopped her by asking:
"What can't you do?"
She shook her head.
"Nothing, let's just...not..." trailing off she took another step, but he had moved forward and now one of his hands closed around her left arm, spinning her around to face him.
"What can't you bloody do?!" he demanded and she tore loose, taking a step back.
"This!" she exclaimed. "I can't DO this, Spike!"
"And what the hell are you doing? What is it you're walking away from?" he inquired and she shook her head again.
"Stop it," she murmured through clenched teeth.
"I won't ever stop it until you TELL me!" he stated as she backed away from him.
Turning she began to walk. He followed.
"What do you wanna hear?!" she yelled, swirling back and facing him. "That I'm sorry about what happened? I am! More sorry than I've been in my entire life! It shouldn't have been allowed to take place between us! It was the hugest mistake I've ever made and believe me - it won't happen again. Not ever."
He sucked his cheeks in as he observed her skeptically and she let hear a small growl of impatience before she turned from him and started up the walking once more. And once more he followed like a tail, like a dog on a leash, like a shadow.
"Are you blind, deaf AND dumb?!" she burst out, glaring at him as she kept walking. "What I'm walking away from is YOU, only it doesn't work if you keep tripping over my heels - so STAY!"
He grabbed her arm again, this time his grip was extremely hard and she gasped as fingers of pain spread underneath her skin. Looking up at him she could see he wasn't having the time of his life either as the bond in his head tugged at him, and he slowly eased up his hold on her, though he wouldn't let her go and she clenched her jaws together as she met his gaze.
"I'm not some housebroken puppy. You may think me an animal, Slayer - I've thought myself that way too many times to give a damn - but if you think for one bloody second that I'm tamed you'd better be very sure... Or one day I'll prove you very wrong," he warned, voice low with threat and she glared at him.
"'Puppy'?" she then asked, giving his hand still around her arm a look before she rested her eyes in his again. "No," she added as he let her go. "I'd never think of you as anything lovable, Spike."
He beat back the wave of weakening pain that he actually felt at hearing her utter those words with a serenity of which her eyes proclaimed every ounce. He couldn't understand how he in one moment didn't want anything else than to be close to her in any way possible, and in the next he couldn't stand the sight of her and regretted ever stopping her on-the- threshold-standing-about-to-be-let-in death which had nearly enough stepped right onto her.
"You know?" she now said, crossing her arms over her chest and letting her gaze drift down over his form as though she was studying a bit of rock. "If you want me to feel actual fear when you try to threaten me you really oughta think twice about - oh, I dunno - jumping in in the knick of time to save my ass from being whopped and all that... It really messes up your image."
"But it's sucha delicious part of you," he replied with a sudden smirk and a sarcastic glitter in his blue eyes which had her remembering how he had gotten to her in the first place. "Without it I'm not sure I'd be this...hot when I'm supposed to be cold - and all that," he added, taking a step closer to her and she felt how she turned stiff with anticipation for his fingertips to grant her skin his touch.
Then she pulled out of it and shook her head as she took two steps back.
"This is..." she began, trailing off as she couldn't finish the sentence.
She wasn't even sure why she had started it. But something gleamed in the depths of his eyes and she couldn't interpret it; then he asked:
"What is this?"
She blinked. That question had haunted her since she left Xander's - but as she heard it formed over the vampire's lips she realized it had been with her for a lot longer than that. And she still had no answer to give neither herself nor him.
"What do you want from me?" she mumbled, shaking her head again. "Whatever it is, I can't give it. I won't."
"Which is it?" he wondered quietly. "You can't or you won't? You can't 'cause of who you are, or you won't 'cause of who you think you are? What do you want from ME, Slayer? What do you really want?"
"I want this to end," she replied.
"You want what to end?" he inquired. "One night and a few kisses?" He huffed, a condescending smile forming on his lips as he observed her eyes widening, hardening. "You gave yourself to me like it was the sodding easiest thing you ever did... Frankly, Slayer... I lost my interest right then and there." She moved forward with a snarl of fury, thrusting her hands upward to punch him in the face, but he caught her by the wrists, twisted her arms back behind her and pulled her to him instead - having her face just below his he continued: "What you can't come to terms with is how this, right here, makes you feel. How every nerve is on edge... how you have to get closer... how much you want this."
"Let me go!" she demanded, squirming as she tried to make him do what she asked and merely receiving a smile in return.
"I'll interpret that..." he murmured, moving his head forward and catching her mouth with his.
She tried to fend him off. She pressed her lips together, she bucked out and away from him, she struggled to turn her head away. But then his tongue somehow brushed her lips in some way that made them lose connection with her brain and all the will in the world couldn't save her as he was able to deepen the kiss.
Damn! Once again he had succeeded to twirl her around so fast that she lost track of where she had started, lost track of for how long she had been spinning, until she wasn't sure it wasn't her who was actually standing still and the world itself that was blurring past her.
The unbelievable rush he instilled in her was beginning to coarse through her and she told herself that she wasn't enjoying it as much as she was. That she wasn't kissing him as hungrily as she was. That she wasn't responding to him in the way that she was.
Then she tore away from him with as much force as she thought was in her and she took a few steps back as he slowly opened his eyes to meet hers.
"Why did you shut the door in my FACE earlier?!" she exclaimed and he sighed.
"Yeah, about that..." he muttered, giving her a look and she raised her eyebrows.
"Yeah?!" she asked and he shrugged.
"I just... wasn't in the mood," he answered and her eyes grew huge. "I mean..." he tried, but she was already to angry to listen to anything else.
"You are just too much. You come here and you save my life and you throw lies in my face..."
"Lies?!" he asked and she nodded.
"You say you lost interest - but THAT, what you just did, that's not interest lost," she stated and he cocked an eyebrow. She ignored it. "And you think that I'll what?"
"Confess."
"Confess?! Confess to WHAT? That I want you?!" she raised her voice and he merely eyed her as she approached him, continuing: "I want you. I want you so badly it makes my skin crawl! All right?! Enough of a confession for you? Happy now?"
"You wanna make me happy?" he asked, small smile on his lips and she pushed him backwards with another growl of anger.
"You always do that," she replied. "You never listen, you only hear what you wanna hear and nothing else. You put words in my mouth and thoughts in my head and I can't deal! Now, THIS I'm telling YOU - I want you, but I don't want to want you. I know this is all some kinda dance to you, but I never said yes to it. So this is me leaving."
"The dance floor?" he wondered wryly and she bit her jaws together before turning and walking away from him. "You know, it seems it doesn't matter how much you want me outta your life!" he called after her. "Our paths are just too...entwined!"
"Then take another route!" she yelled over her shoulder. "Mine's predestined!"
***
2.21 a.m.
She didn't want to want him? SHE didn't want to want HIM?! Did she for a moment think that he WANTED to want her? That he had wanted to have her on his mind every bloody second of the past two weeks?! Well, give or take a day or two...
No. He hadn't. He had never asked for this, never wished for this, never needed this to happen. Not once had he in his wildest dreams imagined himself wrapped up in her like this. And now...
Why didn't he listen?! Why hadn't he listened to that small, small voice that day in the basement - when this whole rollercoaster was set in motion - that had told him to hold back? It had told him with perfect clarity that if he didn't, he'd be lost.
He hated the fact that she was right - he was as lost as ever.
He despised the state he was in, the helplessness that came with it. There was nothing he could do to get it out of him and he knew it all too well, now that he could do nothing but admit it; admit the presence of something too strong inside of him. This emotion he harbored had always been traitorous, had always bloomed at precisely the wrong second in time. Had made him not be able to trust it or cherish it. He thought of it as cruel, unforgiving and most of all painful.
And now it was reaching for his heart again. He could feel the warm tips of its fingers as it got closer. Nothing. There was nothing he could do to avert this disaster. This pressing, earth-shattering apocalypse. His very own ending of his world. He could already feel the changes. They were starting to take place deep down within - shifting the structure of his outlook on the world.
Things could never just run smoothly, could they? Things always had to get messed up into complication, deeming them unrecognizable.
It was all her fault. It had to be. He needed somewhere to hang the coat of blame and her shoulders seemed as good a place as any. It was all her fault.
So where would he take this? Did he fight it until that bitter ending - or did he embrace it for what it was: inevitable?
Hate was so much simpler than this. Hate was raw and certain, it was something he could aim, it was dark - he could lean on it. But love...?
His eyes grew as he for the first time actually thought that word and everything in him wanted to cringe, but couldn't. Seeing her before him had him suddenly feel weak with defeat. Closing his eyes he let the image of her take all of the confusion away, all of the doubt and the sliver of regret.
How had it come to this? All these hours of nothing but battering each other, and this was what it came down to? For him... HOW the bleeding hell could he even...? But he did. He was falling head first, not a chance to catch himself and not a shred of hope in the world that she would.
This seemed to be his fate - unrequited love for all eternity.
He suddenly smiled to himself, opening his eyes and looking at the black TV- screen before him.
It was all too ironic. Laughable, even. The fact that Dru had known, so long ago... That she had pulled away from him because of it. It was all so clear now. Crystal thoughts piercing his mind.
I'll be damned if I ever tell her, he thought now, brushing the pictures of blonde locks and green eyes out of his head as he got to his feet. I can't ever tell her.
Perhaps in never doing so lie his salvation.
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Oh, wowdiwow. Lotta reviews. Did I stir emotions up with the former chapter or sumthing? Hehehe. Just glad there are no flashes as of yet 'cause reading that you're liking it still is SO much better. ;) Thanks so much for letting me know what you think! Oh, you are the bestest!!! ;)
Warm and special thanks to Renee' (*grin* I'm happy to have you guessing, but the drinking buddy thing is in season5, does not yet apply here...*wide smile* As always thrilled to read your review, girl, and so glad you're liking it!), Faith (I'm happyhappy you think that and, ahem - *LOL*), Captain (I bow my head, instoring the happy is one of the best parts) ;), Pine (Hehe, yeah, it wouldn't have been so easy to write the chapter unless I knew where I was headed with it. Riley and Buffy in bed is SO not fun. Hehe. Glad ya approve, though! And I did get my rest.) :), Haley (*makes big trainwreck crashing noise* *hopeful nod in agreement*) :D ;), Mel (*grin* The slap-factor is a well-known concept to me, yes. Glad you liked!) ;), Spuffygirl (Oh, well then I'm happy you didn't think it a waste of time once you finished! Thanks a LOT for that reassuring compliment!) :), Shippy (Good, very good. And thanks for that ;) and thanks so much for that compliment) :), wolf116 (ME TOOOOO! *smile* I won't tell, my friend. Never ever reveal your secrets before they're out there - that is simply my motto. Hehe, you'll have to be patient with me, k?) ;), VampiresKiss (Always glad when you check in at least once in a while! Good you're still enjoying!) :), Johanna (THANK YOU SOSOSOSO MUCH! Really, great to hear you still do and thanks for the Buffy comment. It's always a plus to be writing the charachters well!) :), charisma1525 (oh, but perhaps I'll end it with Spike and Riley getting along and him helping Riley to make up with Buffy since he realizes that a relationship between the two of them would be impossible and then he ends up actually being the BestMan at the two humans wedding?) ;P, Alyssa (aw, don't be HAPPY the poor wanker got hurt *sarcasm* ;) And good that you got to read what you needed!) :), Andi (It's cool, I'm glad to hear from you now. Glad that you wrote me to deliver the happy news of you liking it too! Thank you!) ;), Rachel (Another one that's been with this from the start - and again I'm happy to hear from you now! ;) Great, great that you enjoy! Thanks for letting me know!) :), Heather (oh, I'm so happy you liked! :) Haha to that! ;) Hope this was agreeable as well...) :) and LizDarcy (*grin*) - to all of you just a great, huge, ten thousand yards high, painted Vanilla Sky or Once More With Feeling (your preferred taste, of course) sign just standing tall and proud proclaiming how happy I am that you're still liking this spelling Thank You All! ;)
Oh, and Renee' - sorry I didn't reply to the Dawn question that you asked like WAY back! Um, I don't think she'll be introduced since she's not born yet, but since I have no idea how long this story will stretch I dunno if she might come in later... We'll have to see how it pans out.
Thanks again, y'all! 'Til next time, eh? ;)
A.M.L, Annie.