*********************************TRApPeD************************************
Twenty-Five: A Lost Cause
By Annie
2003-04-29
****************************************************************************
Day Seventeen.
7.35 p.m.
Riley returned the smile, though it was rather trying - as if to see if it would still fit as it was directed onto her. It did, however, and Buffy felt relief over the fact that perhaps he had had time to really think things over for the past few days twirl around and around with a nausea she couldn't detect the true origin of.
What did it really matter?
Spike felt a cold hand grab his heart and squeeze every last dribble of goodwill toward the rival before him out of it carelessly. But there was another feeling there as well; and it was sorrow.
She would never look at him that way. She would never be able to fully relax into the possibility of a "them", would she? To her he was nothing but a monster gone toothless...
The realization of this was like hot wax on a fingertip. He wanted to wince, but held it back; observing the hesitant, yet very real, play between the two mortals showing something "he would never have".
The jealousy was set loose in the way scratching a match against sandpaper can start a building fire and soon it was an inferno inside of him, licking his bones and too blinded by its own strength to be able to care about what it set aflame as it went. In this case it made his patience turn into flying ashes and he looked at Buffy with the anger smothering the whispers of what he felt for her. What she was able to make him feel...
He only saw her how he wanted to see her in that moment - as the using, self-righteous bitch that he knew she was. Why would she want his help? She didn't, she was just showing how very much aware she was of the power she had over him. No more of it. He would have no sodding more of this!
He turned sharply and walked up to the door. Yanking it open he stepped through it and took the stairs quickly.
"Leaving already?" her voice asked as he had gotten a few more steps on his way and he froze with a sigh. "Without so much as a good-bye?" she added and the hint of wryness made him raise his eyebrows as he turned partially to her. "Oh, sorry," she said, growing serious, though he could see the mocking in her expression. "I forgot for a second that you're the anti- socialize... person - so the being polite thing is overrated with you then, huh?"
"What do you want now?" he muttered. "Can't a bloke storm out without the whole point of it being bloody taken away?" he added and she gave him a look.
"Well, we're not done," she stated and he returned her look before he replied:
"Oh, yeah. We're as bleeding done as you get."
She squinted, quizzical.
"What's with you all of a sudden?" she asked and he rolled his eyes at her.
"I'm evil. Mood changes are sodding inevitable," he grumbled. "Now, good- bye," he added with a small bow of his upper body before he turned from her again.
"Spike..."
"All right, would 'good night' get me on my way?" he wondered, turning back and approaching her. "Or are you expecting me to finish that kiss we started?" he added and her eyes grew slightly as he stopped before her.
"No," she then replied, growing slightly flustered as she took a step back.
He observed her for a few seconds, then huffed and shook his head.
"Go back inside," he murmured. "Go back where you belong, Slayer. With Red and TunaBoy and Captain bloody Cardboard."
She stared at him.
"Are you jealous?!" she breathed and his eyes were in hers, growing harder than she had seen them for...well, a while, actually.
"Are you expecting a sodding answer?" he spat, turning from her again, but as he began to walk she followed.
Her heart was beating hard in her chest as she watched his back, his neck... What was moving in that head of his? What was this? He behaved as though he...
"Are you blind, deaf AND dumb?!" he exclaimed and she almost smirked as she remembered when she had used that sentence on him.
He must really want her off his back. His eyes were positively flaming as he once more swirled around to face her and she could see how tightly he was biting his jaws together. If he hadn't had that chip in his head he had surely killed her on the spot. What sort of man was that to get involved with? Really? He was lethal, a killer, had he been human he would've been classed as a sociopath and thrown into a dark hole somewhere! And where exactly had these thoughts come from? And... she wouldn't even spin further on them.
"Are you expecting an answer," she merely shot as a response to his rhetorical question and he glared at her.
"What the hell else is there to discuss down there?" he asked, going back to her original statement and waving a hand vaguely in the direction of the basement, making her cock an eyebrow. "That involves ME!" he added and she smiled a small smile.
"Are you jealous?" she repeated her previous question and she could have sworn his face would have turned rose red with fury if it had been able to.
He looked at her, the anger keeping its fume on for a few more precious seconds and then it began to slowly retract.
"Jealousy is a sign of weakness," he finally replied; keeping the defeat out of his voice as the growing love seeped back into his heart with full force and, as always, all he wanted to do was be able to touch her. Determined not to let it show he continued: "I don't bloody well believe in it and I'd never be caught dead with it inside of me," he added and she shook her head at that. When she didn't speak he stayed quiet for a few moments as well and then he said: "What would I be jealous of, exactly? I've already told you I'm not bloody interested in you for reasons... not dealing with the... Are you seriously ASKING me if I...? Bloody hell," he muttered, looking away from her.
She had no idea what she should think; only what she had seen right before he left so abruptly. The way he had looked at Riley... But he did make a very good point - WHY the hell would he feel anything at all when it came to her? Well, he couldn't, right? He couldn't feel anything.
"I hate the sodding wanker," he suddenly stated and she looked up and into his eyes. "But it has nothing to do with you," he added and she ignored the slightly sinking feeling in her chest. "He put this thing in my head..."
"I'm pretty sure HE didn't," she cut in and Spike gave her an encouraging look to shut up.
"I hate all of the buggers," he grumbled. "Nothing personal," he then shrugged. "I'd hate anyone who bloody tried to..."
He trailed off, looking into the depths of those two green orbs of hers and being practically able to sense the invisible threads irreversibly tying him to her.
"Hold you back?" she asked silently and he swallowed, then shook the feeling of longing off as he nodded.
The seconds were dragged out as they silently observed each other, both trying to estimate this situation; appraising the other almost desperately. They were both sharing a confusion that none of them wanted to acknowledge. For Spike it stemmed from the fact of this young woman being able to make him so completely desert everything that was him in search of...? Well, there lie the confusion. For Buffy it was a cosmic storm of emotions and contradictions within her, refusing to have her read them or pair them up with one another, as well as something in her subconscious blinking "warning" every time she actually tried to do so.
"I should..." she mumbled with a small nod back to the stairs.
"Right," he agreed. "You should."
"You don't wanna...?" she began and he suddenly smiled a weak smile.
"No," he then assured. "I don't."
"It'll just be a lotta lame discussion-slash-brainstorming-slash-nervous outbursts from Xander-slash-Slayertalk... You wouldn't like it anyway," she said and his smile widened just a little before he nodded his consent to that.
"If Adam contacts me you'll be the second person to know," he then stated and she tilted her head to one side questioningly.
"Who'll be the first?" she asked and the smile turned into a smirk before he answered:
"Me."
Finally he got the smile back, which he had been searching for, out of her and then she looked away from him, clearing her throat.
"Fine," she then nodded. "I'll... see you then?" she added, beating down the underlying tone of hopefulness in her voice and he didn't seem to pick up on it as he gave a nod as well.
As he turned she watched him walk away, not able to ignore the fact of how much she had wanted him to stay.
***
7.46 p.m.
The brunette slowly opened her eyes, blinking as disorientation slipped out of her brain and her thoughts began to come out of the dreamstate. She furrowed her brow slightly at the bleeping from the machine keeping track of her heart... and then the expression deepened as she had a trying look around the room.
Flashes of the nightmares she had been having came back to her and she sat up in the hospital bed.
A few minutes later she had left the bed and the building behind. The need for revenge was great within her chest as she made her way toward a goal which would confirm what she had just been told.
That the only father she had ever known was killed, murdered, slaughtered by the hand of someone who's fate seemed linked with her own.
As her eyes rested on the remains of the Sunnydale High she felt that need clench into a fist and she bit her jaws together hard.
I'm coming for you, she thought. No matter where you are... And I'm gonna rip you apart.
***
9.34 p.m.
"Buffy?"
She stopped, her hand on the knob of her dorm room as she turned her head and looked at Riley, coming toward her down the hall. He stopped before her, seemingly uncertain. They hadn't said much to each other since she returned to the basement after her venture after Spike. He hadn't asked anything and she hadn't spoken more of it.
"I'm just gonna freshen up a bit and then I'm headed over to Giles'..." she said and he nodded.
"Yeah... I was just wondering if you had a few minutes to spare," he replied and she swallowed.
"Okay," she then agreed, stepping in through the door and having him follow her.
She walked up to her closet and opened it up; wanting to have something to occupy herself with, rather than to actually shop for another set of clothes, she began to rummage through it. He was quiet for a short while and then he said:
"I needed to see you."
She swallowed, then nodded a little, folding up a sweater and placing it back on its shelf.
"I had to..." he started, trailing off. "I'm not sure why I went to Xander's like that... I just wanted to see how you were doing. I haven't been able to stop thinking about you. Buffy, please... stop that," he added and she drew a small breath; putting the new sweater, which she had grabbed, back and steadying herself before she turned to him.
"I'm not sure what to say," she murmured.
He watched her for a few seconds and then he shrugged a little.
"You're not mad anymore?" she wondered and he blinked.
"I never really was," he replied. "I was shocked... Hurt. But not really angry with you. It was a mistake, no thought or emotion behind it, right? I mean, I didn't think there was anything to be angry about... Until..." once again he trailed off and she bit her jaws together as her nerves tangled themselves up within her. "So hostile Seventeen is one of the good guys now?" he asked and she wanted to close her eyes, shut him out and push the question away.
That wasn't possible, needless to say. She had to have this conversation with him sooner or later and so she put on an as innocent expression as she could before she gave a small shrug.
"I don't think 'hostile Seventeen' even knows what the concept of 'good' is," she answered and Riley frowned, which made her regret her words. "I meant that sarcastically," she tried to smooth it over, but it didn't stick.
"He's a vampire," Riley stated and she blinked, then nodded. "Of course there's no 'concept of good' in his drawer of... concepts," he added and now she furrowed her brow.
"Maybe he's not the type to play by the rules..." she began, and then she bit her tongue - she had almost gone into a defense speech - for SPIKE!
Okay, this is really spinning way out of hand. What the hell's wrong with me?! she asked herself, taking her gaze out of Riley's and trying to collect herself.
"And what?" Riley demanded, obviously not about to let the subject die.
"Nothing," she tried, but his expression showed how little he was going for that approach and so she added: "I'm just saying... I've spent some time with him and he's... Well, he's gonna help us fight Adam!" she finished and Riley stared at her.
"You TRUST him?!" he exclaimed and her eyes grew round before she shook her head.
"No!" she assured. "No, there's no trust whatsoever..."
"Then WHAT are you doing with him, Buffy? I don't understand it! Why would you let him into your circle, to learn all of your secrets when it comes to how you act as the Slayer or with your friends; why would you let him close if you don't even trust him? For all I know he's wanted you dead ever since he first set foot in this town! What are you thinking?" he asked and once more she shook her head.
"No, you don't understand what it's like. See, we both know that we can't..."
"Can't what?!" he interrupted, the upset he was under was very obvious and she couldn't find the right way to soothe it. "How can you be near him, Buffy? How can you care about something like him? He's not even alive."
Riley's voice was growing heavy with disgust and Buffy swallowed hard. She had always found it difficult to be judged and this was no exception...
"I don't CARE about him! It's not like that! I'm not 'letting him close'," she finally blurted out. "He's there, he's helping. Taking down Adam is all that matters!"
"Yeah?" Riley asked and she nodded, meeting his gaze relentlessly to show him that she meant it. "Then why did you go after him when he left?" he asked and she clenched her hands into tight fists as she tried to find an answer. "See," he was the one to break the quiet. "I just hope you know what you're doing," he added.
She looked at him, not quite believing that it was happening, but knowing that it was.
What she and the man before her had had - was over. They were over.
She couldn't heal the damage which had been caused and now the wound was too wide to close up.
"Do you wanna be with him?" he now asked and she blinked again, coming out of her thoughts as she stared into his eyes.
"Riley..." she mumbled.
"I can't even look at you," he shook his head, turning it away and walking up to the still open door. "If you need me..." he then added, stopping in the doorway, but not meeting her gaze. "We're in the same battle, so if you need me - call on me," he finished.
"I will," she replied and he disappeared out through the doorway.
The thing is: I don't know what I want, she thought as she slowly sat down on her bed. Because Spike... I can't be with Spike. I can't... I can't fall for Spike! He's a lost cause. He'll never feel love again. How could I possibly...? No, I just... couldn't.
***
Day Eighteen.
9.16 p.m.
He had figured getting out and about might help him focus his energy on the fact that all the meals-on-heels were not for his tasting pleasure, instead of having his energy in a tight lump in his chest as he kept imagining what soldier boy was allowed to do to her in that very moment.
Kissing her, touching her, being close, being within...
He took another mouthful of beer and looked out on the crowd. The music was as always pumping and the Bronze was packed floor to ceiling with young bodies. Young blood. For some reason he wasn't hungry. He wasn't even there. He was just...nowhere. With her. The way he would always be and he HAD to get himself the sod away from thoughts of her and into thoughts of beheadings and flesh and gruesome, awesome crimes done to the minds of the innocent.
Yeah, 'cause that's what it's all about. The kill.
Though there was no more slaying of the innocent for him, was there?
Had he just put that word - so obviously linked to her - into the middle of that sentence on purpose or had it just been a natural choice?
"Bollocks," he muttered, shaking his head at himself and pushing away from the wall against which he had been leaning.
Sauntering toward the dance floor somebody bumped into his shoulder and he took a small step back to regain his balance, turning his head to whoever it was and as the blonde locks settled he stared at her. Furrowing his brow in slight wonderment as to her appearance he then tilted his head slightly to one side before sighing.
Great. Perfect. Wonderful.
Just his sodding luck that she'd be there, of all places! Shouldn't she be out trailing the Most Grizzling with Captain Cardboard? And what was up with the make-up? Seemed she'd decided to take a well-deserved breather. Well, of course she couldn't have picked a quiet evening in bed with a bloody book, now could she?
"Oh," he muttered. "You."
"And...you," she replied.
"What? Are you keeping tabs on me? I know the 'no trust' deal was sodding clear right from the start, but this...? You gonna give me a hard time now?" he inquired and her eyes widened slightly.
"Well," she began, squirming slightly and he frowned again. "Do I...usually...give you a hard time?" she then asked back and he gave her a look.
"Very funny," he replied and she raised her eyebrows. "Well, you don't have to worry about me 'drinking'," he added with a nod toward the dance floor and all the necks bouncing with their connected bodies there. "Unless you're here to protect innocent beers," he added as he wiggled the bottle in his hand meaningfully; lowering it he turned from her and walked up to stand beneath the stairs leading to the upper space of the club.
He really wanted her to leave him alone.
And he really wanted her not to.
No sign of the boyfriend so far... He had to wonder what that meant.
"You're a vampire," she stated just as he turned back to her and he gave her a look at the sheer no-necessity-at-all in her uttering those words.
She took a pose against the thick, consisting-of-metal post to her right; letting her right hand slide up it before she leaned against it by means of the lower part of her arm, putting her left hand on her left hip, observing him with the sort of interest you would a thing through the glass of a shop- window - one that you wanted, but wasn't quite sure you could afford.
The expression was new to him, though two could play this game and so he replied:
"WAS... And as soon as I get this chip outta my head I'll be a vampire again. But until then I'm just as helpless as a kitten up a tree, so why don't you just sod off?"
Her eyebrows rose again.
"'Kay," she then agreed, turning around and getting ready to leave.
Oh, she was one flaky bird; that was for bloody sure. Did she expect she could just walk away like this? Hah!
"Oh, fine!" he exclaimed, it having the desired effect of making her stop. "Throw it in my face," he continued and she turned back to him. "'Spike's not a threat anymore - I'll turn my back. He can't hurt me'. Or should I make that 'won't'? Is that what you think? That I won't hurt you...?"
She merely eyed him for a second, her face growing thoughtful as she repeated his name.
"Spike," she mumbled and once more he found himself staring at her rather questioningly. "Spike," she said again and then her face slowly lit up as she took the few steps parting them to stand before him, adding: "William the Bloody with a chip in his head. I kinda love this town."
He narrowed his eyes, glaring at her now.
"You know why I really hate you, Summers?" he asked and she tilted her head to one side before she replied matter-of-factly:
"'Cause I'm a stuck-up, tight-ass with no sense of fun?"
Actually... he thought, but restrained the smirk as he looked down at her, answering:
"Well, yeah... That covers..." suddenly realizing what she had just labeled herself as he slowly added: "a lot of it."
"'Cause I could do anything I want and instead I choose to pout and whine and feel the burden of Slayerness?" she continued and now he did stare at her. "I mean, I could be rich. I could be famous. I could have anything..." She paused slightly and the look in her eyes made his whole body suffer shivers in several multitudes as she added: "Anyone."
He swallowed, really not sure what she was playing at here.
"Even you, Spike," she added, taking a step closer and moving her arms up to place her hands on his chest, letting them glide down to his stomach as she pushed him back against the post behind him.
She slid up against him and he couldn't take his eyes off her face as she said, voice lowered and manner so seductive he was glad he didn't need to breathe:
"I could ride you at a gallop until your legs buckled and your eyes rolled up. I've got muscles you've never even DREAMED of - I could squeeze you until you popped like warm champagne and you begged me to hurt you just a little bit more..."
Now he did smirk.
"Well...yeah," he murmured, his hands gliding over her waist and to the small of her back to press her closer. "Been there...done that," he added before he lowered his mouth to hers.
At first she was reluctant. She even seemed surprised. And then she began to return the kiss, deepening it forcefully. It was at that point he pulled away from her. Finding her gaze with his own, seeing the lingering eagerness in them and the questions... He shook his head before he slowly murmured:
"You're not Buffy... so who the hell are you?"
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A/N - this chapter has contained explicit bits of conversation as said in the BtVS episode "Who Are You?". All rights to writer Joss Whedon.
Oh, yikes! Wow, a lotta reviews this time! Makes me happyhappy, naturally!!! I really hope you liked this chapter! Hehe, I gotta say, I just luuv this scene in "Who Are You". Too, too bad that it's Faith and not the Buffster...that'd been something. ;) I'm sure you noticed the modest artistic freedom I took in resculpting it just a little, to better fit this storyline... But ah well, I'm sure Joss wouldn't mind. ;) Ahem, at least *gulp* I hope not!
Very special thanks to Rachel (*grin* I'm very glad you enjoyed it even without the smooch!) ;), Heather (Oh, I'm so glad it shows through! That was great to hear!) :), thechosen (oh-ho-ho, should I reveal my secrets?! ;) Spuffy moments are in the works, yes, I can promise that.) ;), Von (thanks so much for that wonderful compliment and *lol*, yes. Well...) ;), wolf116 (*LOL* and wow, do I agree. What WAS that dorks purpose after season four anyways? *shudders*) ;), Mel (*lol* and *smirk* and *grin*. Glad you laughed - then the point got through. Haha!) :), Captain (well, I'll see what I can do about the cliff-jumping, okay?) ;), Renee' (oh, *hugs*, that's so sweet! Hope your finals went really well, b.t.w! Oh, thank you so much on that compliment, my friend. Very nice to read! And of course it was a very inentional joke! *smiles*) ;), Juliya (Oh, girl, I hope the sex isn't all that's good about Buffy the Vampire Slayer! If the wait is worth it will, unfortunately for me, be completely up to you! If I COULD direct you on your way I would be the happiest writer on the planet, tho! *smiles* I really hope it will be.) ;), Caitee M (Oh, dear and oh, my! Wow. Thanks a LOT for that encouragement and praise that you had to throw my way 'cause I can tell you, encouraging it truly was! *smiles widely* I'm so pleased and happy that you enjoyed the whole thing and wow for putting in the manhours. Really great!) ;), Jade2099 (*giggles* I'm glad!) ;), charisma1525 (Totally enjoying that you're enjoying it! And you'll see, you'll see, you'll see...) :D, Charlie ("normal vs. hot-as-hell" *lol* And YEAH!) ;), Johanna (*grinning like mad* So happy you share my sense of humor!) :), TheRealiz (I thank thee honestly for thy flattery. ;) On the real tip, really great to hear and hey, juiciness just might be around the next bend so keep that nose close *grin*), Pine (hey, my friend. Good, better, best that you're still liking! Hope this chapter was no disappointment on that department! Great as always to read your thoughts, girl!) and Phyllis (holy mother of and all of that etc.! Yikes! I can't tell you whatta kick I got out of your review. I'll have you know three words of "hey, great fic" is enough to give me a true buzz and so you can imagine how high your review had me! ;) Really, though, thanks for taking the time to write me such a full viewpoint, it is ALWAYS appreciated! I'm so thrilled that you liked the beginning and that you're still liking how it's continuing. I'm really glad you're enjoying how the development is coming on rather slowly 'cause that's really the way I write, you know? Well, I guess by now you do. ;) It meant a lot to hear it, anyways, so kudos to you for giving me exactly what I needed right now. I do trust my judgement, tho... I mean, if I don't have that then I don't have anything, right? :) I'm just glad that you're not flaming me and it's really a wonderful compliment that you can't think of something that needs improving - it's very honest - and so, thanks. Just thank you so much for your words, they were very inspirational. I'm as said extremely glad that you enjoyed! I do hope I'll see you back!) :).
To all, HUGE HUGS AND KISSES AND THANK YOUS. YOU BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF BORING AND RAINY SPRING DAYS!!! Thanks for all the inspiration, the encouragment and the pushes you're giving me!!! Luv ya!
A.M.L, always,
Annie.
Twenty-Five: A Lost Cause
By Annie
2003-04-29
****************************************************************************
Day Seventeen.
7.35 p.m.
Riley returned the smile, though it was rather trying - as if to see if it would still fit as it was directed onto her. It did, however, and Buffy felt relief over the fact that perhaps he had had time to really think things over for the past few days twirl around and around with a nausea she couldn't detect the true origin of.
What did it really matter?
Spike felt a cold hand grab his heart and squeeze every last dribble of goodwill toward the rival before him out of it carelessly. But there was another feeling there as well; and it was sorrow.
She would never look at him that way. She would never be able to fully relax into the possibility of a "them", would she? To her he was nothing but a monster gone toothless...
The realization of this was like hot wax on a fingertip. He wanted to wince, but held it back; observing the hesitant, yet very real, play between the two mortals showing something "he would never have".
The jealousy was set loose in the way scratching a match against sandpaper can start a building fire and soon it was an inferno inside of him, licking his bones and too blinded by its own strength to be able to care about what it set aflame as it went. In this case it made his patience turn into flying ashes and he looked at Buffy with the anger smothering the whispers of what he felt for her. What she was able to make him feel...
He only saw her how he wanted to see her in that moment - as the using, self-righteous bitch that he knew she was. Why would she want his help? She didn't, she was just showing how very much aware she was of the power she had over him. No more of it. He would have no sodding more of this!
He turned sharply and walked up to the door. Yanking it open he stepped through it and took the stairs quickly.
"Leaving already?" her voice asked as he had gotten a few more steps on his way and he froze with a sigh. "Without so much as a good-bye?" she added and the hint of wryness made him raise his eyebrows as he turned partially to her. "Oh, sorry," she said, growing serious, though he could see the mocking in her expression. "I forgot for a second that you're the anti- socialize... person - so the being polite thing is overrated with you then, huh?"
"What do you want now?" he muttered. "Can't a bloke storm out without the whole point of it being bloody taken away?" he added and she gave him a look.
"Well, we're not done," she stated and he returned her look before he replied:
"Oh, yeah. We're as bleeding done as you get."
She squinted, quizzical.
"What's with you all of a sudden?" she asked and he rolled his eyes at her.
"I'm evil. Mood changes are sodding inevitable," he grumbled. "Now, good- bye," he added with a small bow of his upper body before he turned from her again.
"Spike..."
"All right, would 'good night' get me on my way?" he wondered, turning back and approaching her. "Or are you expecting me to finish that kiss we started?" he added and her eyes grew slightly as he stopped before her.
"No," she then replied, growing slightly flustered as she took a step back.
He observed her for a few seconds, then huffed and shook his head.
"Go back inside," he murmured. "Go back where you belong, Slayer. With Red and TunaBoy and Captain bloody Cardboard."
She stared at him.
"Are you jealous?!" she breathed and his eyes were in hers, growing harder than she had seen them for...well, a while, actually.
"Are you expecting a sodding answer?" he spat, turning from her again, but as he began to walk she followed.
Her heart was beating hard in her chest as she watched his back, his neck... What was moving in that head of his? What was this? He behaved as though he...
"Are you blind, deaf AND dumb?!" he exclaimed and she almost smirked as she remembered when she had used that sentence on him.
He must really want her off his back. His eyes were positively flaming as he once more swirled around to face her and she could see how tightly he was biting his jaws together. If he hadn't had that chip in his head he had surely killed her on the spot. What sort of man was that to get involved with? Really? He was lethal, a killer, had he been human he would've been classed as a sociopath and thrown into a dark hole somewhere! And where exactly had these thoughts come from? And... she wouldn't even spin further on them.
"Are you expecting an answer," she merely shot as a response to his rhetorical question and he glared at her.
"What the hell else is there to discuss down there?" he asked, going back to her original statement and waving a hand vaguely in the direction of the basement, making her cock an eyebrow. "That involves ME!" he added and she smiled a small smile.
"Are you jealous?" she repeated her previous question and she could have sworn his face would have turned rose red with fury if it had been able to.
He looked at her, the anger keeping its fume on for a few more precious seconds and then it began to slowly retract.
"Jealousy is a sign of weakness," he finally replied; keeping the defeat out of his voice as the growing love seeped back into his heart with full force and, as always, all he wanted to do was be able to touch her. Determined not to let it show he continued: "I don't bloody well believe in it and I'd never be caught dead with it inside of me," he added and she shook her head at that. When she didn't speak he stayed quiet for a few moments as well and then he said: "What would I be jealous of, exactly? I've already told you I'm not bloody interested in you for reasons... not dealing with the... Are you seriously ASKING me if I...? Bloody hell," he muttered, looking away from her.
She had no idea what she should think; only what she had seen right before he left so abruptly. The way he had looked at Riley... But he did make a very good point - WHY the hell would he feel anything at all when it came to her? Well, he couldn't, right? He couldn't feel anything.
"I hate the sodding wanker," he suddenly stated and she looked up and into his eyes. "But it has nothing to do with you," he added and she ignored the slightly sinking feeling in her chest. "He put this thing in my head..."
"I'm pretty sure HE didn't," she cut in and Spike gave her an encouraging look to shut up.
"I hate all of the buggers," he grumbled. "Nothing personal," he then shrugged. "I'd hate anyone who bloody tried to..."
He trailed off, looking into the depths of those two green orbs of hers and being practically able to sense the invisible threads irreversibly tying him to her.
"Hold you back?" she asked silently and he swallowed, then shook the feeling of longing off as he nodded.
The seconds were dragged out as they silently observed each other, both trying to estimate this situation; appraising the other almost desperately. They were both sharing a confusion that none of them wanted to acknowledge. For Spike it stemmed from the fact of this young woman being able to make him so completely desert everything that was him in search of...? Well, there lie the confusion. For Buffy it was a cosmic storm of emotions and contradictions within her, refusing to have her read them or pair them up with one another, as well as something in her subconscious blinking "warning" every time she actually tried to do so.
"I should..." she mumbled with a small nod back to the stairs.
"Right," he agreed. "You should."
"You don't wanna...?" she began and he suddenly smiled a weak smile.
"No," he then assured. "I don't."
"It'll just be a lotta lame discussion-slash-brainstorming-slash-nervous outbursts from Xander-slash-Slayertalk... You wouldn't like it anyway," she said and his smile widened just a little before he nodded his consent to that.
"If Adam contacts me you'll be the second person to know," he then stated and she tilted her head to one side questioningly.
"Who'll be the first?" she asked and the smile turned into a smirk before he answered:
"Me."
Finally he got the smile back, which he had been searching for, out of her and then she looked away from him, clearing her throat.
"Fine," she then nodded. "I'll... see you then?" she added, beating down the underlying tone of hopefulness in her voice and he didn't seem to pick up on it as he gave a nod as well.
As he turned she watched him walk away, not able to ignore the fact of how much she had wanted him to stay.
***
7.46 p.m.
The brunette slowly opened her eyes, blinking as disorientation slipped out of her brain and her thoughts began to come out of the dreamstate. She furrowed her brow slightly at the bleeping from the machine keeping track of her heart... and then the expression deepened as she had a trying look around the room.
Flashes of the nightmares she had been having came back to her and she sat up in the hospital bed.
A few minutes later she had left the bed and the building behind. The need for revenge was great within her chest as she made her way toward a goal which would confirm what she had just been told.
That the only father she had ever known was killed, murdered, slaughtered by the hand of someone who's fate seemed linked with her own.
As her eyes rested on the remains of the Sunnydale High she felt that need clench into a fist and she bit her jaws together hard.
I'm coming for you, she thought. No matter where you are... And I'm gonna rip you apart.
***
9.34 p.m.
"Buffy?"
She stopped, her hand on the knob of her dorm room as she turned her head and looked at Riley, coming toward her down the hall. He stopped before her, seemingly uncertain. They hadn't said much to each other since she returned to the basement after her venture after Spike. He hadn't asked anything and she hadn't spoken more of it.
"I'm just gonna freshen up a bit and then I'm headed over to Giles'..." she said and he nodded.
"Yeah... I was just wondering if you had a few minutes to spare," he replied and she swallowed.
"Okay," she then agreed, stepping in through the door and having him follow her.
She walked up to her closet and opened it up; wanting to have something to occupy herself with, rather than to actually shop for another set of clothes, she began to rummage through it. He was quiet for a short while and then he said:
"I needed to see you."
She swallowed, then nodded a little, folding up a sweater and placing it back on its shelf.
"I had to..." he started, trailing off. "I'm not sure why I went to Xander's like that... I just wanted to see how you were doing. I haven't been able to stop thinking about you. Buffy, please... stop that," he added and she drew a small breath; putting the new sweater, which she had grabbed, back and steadying herself before she turned to him.
"I'm not sure what to say," she murmured.
He watched her for a few seconds and then he shrugged a little.
"You're not mad anymore?" she wondered and he blinked.
"I never really was," he replied. "I was shocked... Hurt. But not really angry with you. It was a mistake, no thought or emotion behind it, right? I mean, I didn't think there was anything to be angry about... Until..." once again he trailed off and she bit her jaws together as her nerves tangled themselves up within her. "So hostile Seventeen is one of the good guys now?" he asked and she wanted to close her eyes, shut him out and push the question away.
That wasn't possible, needless to say. She had to have this conversation with him sooner or later and so she put on an as innocent expression as she could before she gave a small shrug.
"I don't think 'hostile Seventeen' even knows what the concept of 'good' is," she answered and Riley frowned, which made her regret her words. "I meant that sarcastically," she tried to smooth it over, but it didn't stick.
"He's a vampire," Riley stated and she blinked, then nodded. "Of course there's no 'concept of good' in his drawer of... concepts," he added and now she furrowed her brow.
"Maybe he's not the type to play by the rules..." she began, and then she bit her tongue - she had almost gone into a defense speech - for SPIKE!
Okay, this is really spinning way out of hand. What the hell's wrong with me?! she asked herself, taking her gaze out of Riley's and trying to collect herself.
"And what?" Riley demanded, obviously not about to let the subject die.
"Nothing," she tried, but his expression showed how little he was going for that approach and so she added: "I'm just saying... I've spent some time with him and he's... Well, he's gonna help us fight Adam!" she finished and Riley stared at her.
"You TRUST him?!" he exclaimed and her eyes grew round before she shook her head.
"No!" she assured. "No, there's no trust whatsoever..."
"Then WHAT are you doing with him, Buffy? I don't understand it! Why would you let him into your circle, to learn all of your secrets when it comes to how you act as the Slayer or with your friends; why would you let him close if you don't even trust him? For all I know he's wanted you dead ever since he first set foot in this town! What are you thinking?" he asked and once more she shook her head.
"No, you don't understand what it's like. See, we both know that we can't..."
"Can't what?!" he interrupted, the upset he was under was very obvious and she couldn't find the right way to soothe it. "How can you be near him, Buffy? How can you care about something like him? He's not even alive."
Riley's voice was growing heavy with disgust and Buffy swallowed hard. She had always found it difficult to be judged and this was no exception...
"I don't CARE about him! It's not like that! I'm not 'letting him close'," she finally blurted out. "He's there, he's helping. Taking down Adam is all that matters!"
"Yeah?" Riley asked and she nodded, meeting his gaze relentlessly to show him that she meant it. "Then why did you go after him when he left?" he asked and she clenched her hands into tight fists as she tried to find an answer. "See," he was the one to break the quiet. "I just hope you know what you're doing," he added.
She looked at him, not quite believing that it was happening, but knowing that it was.
What she and the man before her had had - was over. They were over.
She couldn't heal the damage which had been caused and now the wound was too wide to close up.
"Do you wanna be with him?" he now asked and she blinked again, coming out of her thoughts as she stared into his eyes.
"Riley..." she mumbled.
"I can't even look at you," he shook his head, turning it away and walking up to the still open door. "If you need me..." he then added, stopping in the doorway, but not meeting her gaze. "We're in the same battle, so if you need me - call on me," he finished.
"I will," she replied and he disappeared out through the doorway.
The thing is: I don't know what I want, she thought as she slowly sat down on her bed. Because Spike... I can't be with Spike. I can't... I can't fall for Spike! He's a lost cause. He'll never feel love again. How could I possibly...? No, I just... couldn't.
***
Day Eighteen.
9.16 p.m.
He had figured getting out and about might help him focus his energy on the fact that all the meals-on-heels were not for his tasting pleasure, instead of having his energy in a tight lump in his chest as he kept imagining what soldier boy was allowed to do to her in that very moment.
Kissing her, touching her, being close, being within...
He took another mouthful of beer and looked out on the crowd. The music was as always pumping and the Bronze was packed floor to ceiling with young bodies. Young blood. For some reason he wasn't hungry. He wasn't even there. He was just...nowhere. With her. The way he would always be and he HAD to get himself the sod away from thoughts of her and into thoughts of beheadings and flesh and gruesome, awesome crimes done to the minds of the innocent.
Yeah, 'cause that's what it's all about. The kill.
Though there was no more slaying of the innocent for him, was there?
Had he just put that word - so obviously linked to her - into the middle of that sentence on purpose or had it just been a natural choice?
"Bollocks," he muttered, shaking his head at himself and pushing away from the wall against which he had been leaning.
Sauntering toward the dance floor somebody bumped into his shoulder and he took a small step back to regain his balance, turning his head to whoever it was and as the blonde locks settled he stared at her. Furrowing his brow in slight wonderment as to her appearance he then tilted his head slightly to one side before sighing.
Great. Perfect. Wonderful.
Just his sodding luck that she'd be there, of all places! Shouldn't she be out trailing the Most Grizzling with Captain Cardboard? And what was up with the make-up? Seemed she'd decided to take a well-deserved breather. Well, of course she couldn't have picked a quiet evening in bed with a bloody book, now could she?
"Oh," he muttered. "You."
"And...you," she replied.
"What? Are you keeping tabs on me? I know the 'no trust' deal was sodding clear right from the start, but this...? You gonna give me a hard time now?" he inquired and her eyes widened slightly.
"Well," she began, squirming slightly and he frowned again. "Do I...usually...give you a hard time?" she then asked back and he gave her a look.
"Very funny," he replied and she raised her eyebrows. "Well, you don't have to worry about me 'drinking'," he added with a nod toward the dance floor and all the necks bouncing with their connected bodies there. "Unless you're here to protect innocent beers," he added as he wiggled the bottle in his hand meaningfully; lowering it he turned from her and walked up to stand beneath the stairs leading to the upper space of the club.
He really wanted her to leave him alone.
And he really wanted her not to.
No sign of the boyfriend so far... He had to wonder what that meant.
"You're a vampire," she stated just as he turned back to her and he gave her a look at the sheer no-necessity-at-all in her uttering those words.
She took a pose against the thick, consisting-of-metal post to her right; letting her right hand slide up it before she leaned against it by means of the lower part of her arm, putting her left hand on her left hip, observing him with the sort of interest you would a thing through the glass of a shop- window - one that you wanted, but wasn't quite sure you could afford.
The expression was new to him, though two could play this game and so he replied:
"WAS... And as soon as I get this chip outta my head I'll be a vampire again. But until then I'm just as helpless as a kitten up a tree, so why don't you just sod off?"
Her eyebrows rose again.
"'Kay," she then agreed, turning around and getting ready to leave.
Oh, she was one flaky bird; that was for bloody sure. Did she expect she could just walk away like this? Hah!
"Oh, fine!" he exclaimed, it having the desired effect of making her stop. "Throw it in my face," he continued and she turned back to him. "'Spike's not a threat anymore - I'll turn my back. He can't hurt me'. Or should I make that 'won't'? Is that what you think? That I won't hurt you...?"
She merely eyed him for a second, her face growing thoughtful as she repeated his name.
"Spike," she mumbled and once more he found himself staring at her rather questioningly. "Spike," she said again and then her face slowly lit up as she took the few steps parting them to stand before him, adding: "William the Bloody with a chip in his head. I kinda love this town."
He narrowed his eyes, glaring at her now.
"You know why I really hate you, Summers?" he asked and she tilted her head to one side before she replied matter-of-factly:
"'Cause I'm a stuck-up, tight-ass with no sense of fun?"
Actually... he thought, but restrained the smirk as he looked down at her, answering:
"Well, yeah... That covers..." suddenly realizing what she had just labeled herself as he slowly added: "a lot of it."
"'Cause I could do anything I want and instead I choose to pout and whine and feel the burden of Slayerness?" she continued and now he did stare at her. "I mean, I could be rich. I could be famous. I could have anything..." She paused slightly and the look in her eyes made his whole body suffer shivers in several multitudes as she added: "Anyone."
He swallowed, really not sure what she was playing at here.
"Even you, Spike," she added, taking a step closer and moving her arms up to place her hands on his chest, letting them glide down to his stomach as she pushed him back against the post behind him.
She slid up against him and he couldn't take his eyes off her face as she said, voice lowered and manner so seductive he was glad he didn't need to breathe:
"I could ride you at a gallop until your legs buckled and your eyes rolled up. I've got muscles you've never even DREAMED of - I could squeeze you until you popped like warm champagne and you begged me to hurt you just a little bit more..."
Now he did smirk.
"Well...yeah," he murmured, his hands gliding over her waist and to the small of her back to press her closer. "Been there...done that," he added before he lowered his mouth to hers.
At first she was reluctant. She even seemed surprised. And then she began to return the kiss, deepening it forcefully. It was at that point he pulled away from her. Finding her gaze with his own, seeing the lingering eagerness in them and the questions... He shook his head before he slowly murmured:
"You're not Buffy... so who the hell are you?"
**************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** ******************
A/N - this chapter has contained explicit bits of conversation as said in the BtVS episode "Who Are You?". All rights to writer Joss Whedon.
Oh, yikes! Wow, a lotta reviews this time! Makes me happyhappy, naturally!!! I really hope you liked this chapter! Hehe, I gotta say, I just luuv this scene in "Who Are You". Too, too bad that it's Faith and not the Buffster...that'd been something. ;) I'm sure you noticed the modest artistic freedom I took in resculpting it just a little, to better fit this storyline... But ah well, I'm sure Joss wouldn't mind. ;) Ahem, at least *gulp* I hope not!
Very special thanks to Rachel (*grin* I'm very glad you enjoyed it even without the smooch!) ;), Heather (Oh, I'm so glad it shows through! That was great to hear!) :), thechosen (oh-ho-ho, should I reveal my secrets?! ;) Spuffy moments are in the works, yes, I can promise that.) ;), Von (thanks so much for that wonderful compliment and *lol*, yes. Well...) ;), wolf116 (*LOL* and wow, do I agree. What WAS that dorks purpose after season four anyways? *shudders*) ;), Mel (*lol* and *smirk* and *grin*. Glad you laughed - then the point got through. Haha!) :), Captain (well, I'll see what I can do about the cliff-jumping, okay?) ;), Renee' (oh, *hugs*, that's so sweet! Hope your finals went really well, b.t.w! Oh, thank you so much on that compliment, my friend. Very nice to read! And of course it was a very inentional joke! *smiles*) ;), Juliya (Oh, girl, I hope the sex isn't all that's good about Buffy the Vampire Slayer! If the wait is worth it will, unfortunately for me, be completely up to you! If I COULD direct you on your way I would be the happiest writer on the planet, tho! *smiles* I really hope it will be.) ;), Caitee M (Oh, dear and oh, my! Wow. Thanks a LOT for that encouragement and praise that you had to throw my way 'cause I can tell you, encouraging it truly was! *smiles widely* I'm so pleased and happy that you enjoyed the whole thing and wow for putting in the manhours. Really great!) ;), Jade2099 (*giggles* I'm glad!) ;), charisma1525 (Totally enjoying that you're enjoying it! And you'll see, you'll see, you'll see...) :D, Charlie ("normal vs. hot-as-hell" *lol* And YEAH!) ;), Johanna (*grinning like mad* So happy you share my sense of humor!) :), TheRealiz (I thank thee honestly for thy flattery. ;) On the real tip, really great to hear and hey, juiciness just might be around the next bend so keep that nose close *grin*), Pine (hey, my friend. Good, better, best that you're still liking! Hope this chapter was no disappointment on that department! Great as always to read your thoughts, girl!) and Phyllis (holy mother of and all of that etc.! Yikes! I can't tell you whatta kick I got out of your review. I'll have you know three words of "hey, great fic" is enough to give me a true buzz and so you can imagine how high your review had me! ;) Really, though, thanks for taking the time to write me such a full viewpoint, it is ALWAYS appreciated! I'm so thrilled that you liked the beginning and that you're still liking how it's continuing. I'm really glad you're enjoying how the development is coming on rather slowly 'cause that's really the way I write, you know? Well, I guess by now you do. ;) It meant a lot to hear it, anyways, so kudos to you for giving me exactly what I needed right now. I do trust my judgement, tho... I mean, if I don't have that then I don't have anything, right? :) I'm just glad that you're not flaming me and it's really a wonderful compliment that you can't think of something that needs improving - it's very honest - and so, thanks. Just thank you so much for your words, they were very inspirational. I'm as said extremely glad that you enjoyed! I do hope I'll see you back!) :).
To all, HUGE HUGS AND KISSES AND THANK YOUS. YOU BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF BORING AND RAINY SPRING DAYS!!! Thanks for all the inspiration, the encouragment and the pushes you're giving me!!! Luv ya!
A.M.L, always,
Annie.