***********************************TRApPeD**********************************
****
Thirty: The Last Moment's Peace
By Annie
2003-05-12
**************************************************************************** *****
Day Twenty-Five.
8.49 a.m.
Buffy closed the door to her dorm room; sighing with relief that it was empty before walking up to flop herself down on her bed.
She hadn't stopped once on her way from the crypt, but now the urge to just throw the door open and run straight back there was completely overwhelming. One second she wanted to hit herself hard over the head for leaving, the next she could do nothing but praise the initiative to do so as she realized that if she had stayed... Well, the intimacy had grown into something she couldn't accept. There was no way that she could.
Leaving had been the right thing to do.
She moaned and rolled over on her side as she wrapped her arms around her and closed her eyes. What was it that stated that she had to be the good girl in every single situation? She had loved a vampire once...
But he had had a soul. And whatever this was with Spike - it sure as hell wasn't anything even resembling love. It wasn't anything but passion. And it wasn't healthy, she knew it wasn't. It was blinding and mind-blowing and totally...altering.
"Altering of what?" she muttered. "Your bodily structure?" she added and then she smiled a bitter smile as she opened her eyes again.
And you can't seriously be comparing him with Angel, she added in her mind. Think of how different they are. The only likeness is their heritage... Okay, stop thinking about Spike. Please! You left. You can't go back now, no matter what, right? So don't dwell!
She couldn't understand why he was acting jealous, though. She thought he really wasn't the type who actually believed in monogamy, so why would he act so possessive of her? Like he didn't want her to be with anybody else... For him to not want that he'd have to...
And he doesn't! she told herself now. He can't feel anything for me. Especially not something so oddly affectionate as... affection.
But there was more there, she knew it. She could see it on him whenever he looked at her. She could feel it deep down and everywhere when he touched her, when he held her... Where had the impatience disappeared to? That emotion which made it impossible for either one of them to be able to look at the other and see anything but that loathed competitor? Where was that backdrop of disgust and anger in his eyes that had always rested there before?
"It's gone," she murmured, sitting up and drawing a breath as she met Willow's questioning gaze. "Erg...hi," the Slayer hurriedly added. "I-I didn't hear you come in..."
Willow smiled hesitantly, observing her friend before she asked:
"What's gone?"
"Oh, nothing... Just this stupid thing with... You know, that thing and everything and what've you been up to?" Buffy managed an attempt at a diversion.
It seemed to work as Willow sighed tiredly.
"Homework, homework, homework," she replied and Buffy smiled empathically. "I didn't notice you come in last night... or when you left this morning," the redhead added and Buffy's smile turned rather stale.
"I..." she mumbled, not able to lie her friend straight in the face she instead searched for a good enough excuse.
Willow produced it for her as she said:
"Oh, before I forget. Giles wanted to see you yesterday, but he couldn't find you and so he left a note."
Walking up to the desk standing to the right of the door she retrieved the said note and handed it to the Slayer, who read it and then shook her head at herself. She had completely forgotten about telling Giles about the two demons working together, she had completely forgotten about a lot of things during the past twenty-four hours or so. Well, no more or that.
"What are you wearing to the party tonight?" Willow asked and Buffy's eyes grew wide.
"Oh, damn! I completely forgot about that," she muttered, putting the note down on the bed and getting to her feet. "You know... I'm not so sure it's a good thing that I go. Things are kinda tight between Riley and me right now, and I'm betting he wouldn't exactly do the hop at me showing up at HIS fraternity party," she added.
"I don't understand, Buffy. What HAPPENED between the two of you?" Willow asked and Buffy bit her jaws together.
"What didn't," she murmured, and then she got a hold on herself and met the other's eyes with a shake of the head. "It's complicated," she added as an explanation and Willow looked dissatisfied with that.
"So give me the cliff notes version, or the one-sentence version, or YOUR version. Just tell me," she then pleaded and Buffy eyed her for a moment before she swallowed.
"I can't," she then said. "I'm sorry, but I just can't. Yet. I have to work this out for myself first," she added at Willow's wondering gaze.
The latter looked sympathetic before she rose and wrapped her arms around the blonde in a hard hug.
"Of course you have to," she replied. "I didn't mean to push," she added and Buffy smiled at her before she gave her a hug back.
"I love you, Will," she said and Willow smiled widely as well.
"Love you too," she agreed.
***
9.45 p.m.
Buffy had butterflies in her stomach when she walked into the large house hosting the "fraternity" which Riley and a dozen other Initiative soldiers helped keep alive the smoke screen of being part of. The place was already filled with people and she had a look around before she walked with Willow and Tara to the table stocked with refreshments.
The Slayer could be proud of herself. She had fought hard the entire day and it had bared fruit - no run-ins, no visits with and no sightings of a certain bleached vampire. She had kept herself out of harm's way and come out standing. Looking great, even. She was very pleased.
Well, with herself that was. Not much else of the pleasing going on, was there?
Buffy, a well-known voice said sharply. We are to have no more of those comments, understood?
"Whatever," she muttered, taking the plastic cup filled with punch and sipping it as she turned around and saw Riley.
He had obviously spotted her as well and her heart began to race as he approached her. She didn't know what to say to him. She still felt so ashamed.
"Hi," he said with a small smile and she returned it tryingly. "Didn't think you'd show."
"Me neither," she replied. "But Willow was going, so I thought I'd just." she trailed off and his smile widened slightly.
"Tag along?" he suggested and she nodded.
"Rye!" Forrest called from the stairs and Riley turned toward the sound.
The fellow agent signed for him to come join and Riley nodded.
"I'll see you around then?" he asked and she nodded.
"Yeah," she mumbled, watching him as he walked across the room to join the others.
She spent the following hour in the company of Willow and Tara, Xander joining them when half the time had floated by and they chatted carelessly as they put the Adam suit on a hanger for an evening. Buffy was just beginning to relax into it when Xander suddenly removed himself from their company, stalking up to the entrance door and the couple who had just walked through it. Buffy's eyes grew involuntarily as she stared from Anya to Spike and then she rose as well.
Was he crazy? What was he doing there?!
She kept herself in the outer vicinity of the not-so-loud fight emerging between the ex-demon and the mortal. Spike was throwing in his own little pieces to the puzzle and she wanted to hit him. Hard. What the hell was he doing with her? She knew Xander and Anya had had a very-loud fight earlier that day so... Perhaps the question she should be asking was what the hell was SHE doing with HIM?
It seemed that was the topic at hand for the ongoing lovers quarrel and she didn't want to eaves drop, but couldn't resist.
She was five feet away, and trying to stay inconspicuous behind a group of four teenagers, when Spike turned his head and rested his gaze in hers. She bit her jaws together hard at the growing self-assurance on him. At that insufferable trait cockiness. She hadn't seen it in some time, it felt like; and so now it simply hit her in the middle of the forehead and she realized where the impatience had run off to as it came hurrying back into her chest.
This was about the time when Xander began to bellow out the proclamation of Hostile Seventeen being in the room, making Spike take his gaze from the Slayer's for staring at the mortal in disbelief as well as growing need to destroy. It was replaced by caution as he looked around the room and Buffy was as well, her heart beating hard in her chest and her mind racing at the different scenarios which could be about to take place if they tried to capture him.
She owed him her life, and she knew that she wouldn't be able to stand back and let them put him in one of their cages again... If she helped him escape it would probably have her friends doubt her state of mind being all good-to-go, though. She could live with that. Usually she felt as though it wasn't anyway.
However, the party went on, the soldier boys kept dancing and laughing and talking, there was no posse standing ready with stun guns and nets. She blinked, and when she directed her eyes on the other three she noticed one was missing.
He couldn't have gotten far and knowing him - the little that she did - she was pretty sure where to find him.
Leaving Anya and Xander to deal on their own, Buffy went out in search for the largest keg of the party. She could merely smirk when she saw the leather clad form she had been looking for, standing next to it.
"What are you doing here?" she asked, shaking her head at him as he turned around, swallowing the mouthful of beer he had just taken and giving her a very cold glare.
"What the bloody hell's it to you?" he growled, brushing past her as he walked up to sit down on a nearby couch.
She turned and followed, stopping right before him and looking down at him before she leaned forward. As her face closed in on his the atmosphere slowly changed around them and she could feel the sudden and growing tension between them. Damn. She straightened her back again and took a step back, crossing her arms over her chest.
Spike was so angry with her. He was sick of feeling angry with himself and it was so much simpler directing the feeling on an easy target. His will had chosen her and he felt he had good reason. She kept plowing him under, storming into his life in one moment just to leave it as hastily the next. Uninvited she had taken the honorary seat of his thoughts and he wanted nothing more than to get her the hell off of it!
She could see that he was mad at her; it was clear enough. But something else lay at the edge of the blueness which rested in her green. She couldn't grasp the sense of it, but she knew it was there. Deep down. Buried and hidden in the same reluctance to show weakness that she harbored. Weakness merely lead to pain, to disappointment.
When did he ever disappoint you? she asked herself quietly and she stared at him as he glared back. Has he broken the handshake? The silly code you installed between the two of you?
Spike watched the rather thoughtful expression drawing over her features before she took another step back from him. She unwrapped her arms as she adopted his expression and then she grumbled:
"Fine," before she turned to remove herself from his presence.
He kept his eyes hard as he watched her back be blocked out by moving bodies, and then he let out a small huff of breath as he closed them.
It was easy to put iron around his heart and be sure nothing would ever melt it - when he wasn't near her. But when she was close, close enough to touch. Close enough to SEE... Was this how it was supposed to be? Really? Was he supposed to give her up? Without a fight? If he could only make her understand that what she did to him was so much more than mere satisfaction; if he could show her how she dug deep into him and didn't leave that place even when she herself left him - like she usually did. If he could do that, then perhaps she would see him as someone who...
Don't go there, Spike, my boy, he muttered in his head as he got to his feet. You've been there before and had to turn back. She won't ever! Let it sink through your thick skull. What she wants from you has nothing to do with emotions.
But it could, he countered. I know it. I know it could.
She's with perfect-little-human, protector-of-all-human, all-through-and- through-human soldier boy! Or did that happen to slip your mind?
He was so sodding confused. Hate her versus can't help but love her...need her...crave her. It was driving him out of his mind. He couldn't bloody breathe!
Oh. Great. Bleeding terrific. Now she had him thinking that he actually NEEDED to push air in and out of his buggering lungs!
He huffed at that, putting the beer down and shaking his head at himself.
He needed to make up his mind. The first step was to take a bunch of steps out of the place hosting her, get himself a girl for the night and... forget. Just forget all of it. And when he had repeated this for enough nights perhaps he wouldn't have to remind himself to forget... Perhaps she'd be erased.
He moved toward the exit door when he bumped into someone and he blinked, looking down.
"Willow," he said and she smiled hesitantly.
"Oh-so-unlikely-ally," she greeted and he smirked rather uncertainly as well.
"How's the evening treating you, then?" he asked and she shrugged a little.
"It's okay, I guess. If you like loud music and funky tasting punch and two of your closest friends being all in a bad mood," she sighed.
"Well, I was just leaving," he stated, gesturing toward the door, but it seemed she didn't pick up on it as she continued with:
"You know, you'd think they could just fess up, wouldn't you? I'd actually been looking forward to this. Getting out, amongst people with T-...other people. You know?"
He observed her for a moment; then nodded a little, looking around the room in search for someone else who would actually listen to the apprentice Wicca complaining.
"It's sucha bummer. Couldn't they make up and move on? Forgive and forget? Isn't that what love's all about? Xander's clearly only thinking about Anya anyways," she grumbled, leaning against the wall behind her and sounding as though she was more or less talking to herself.
"Anya. Right," Spike nodded, still glancing about the room, looking for an escape.
"And Buffy's all moping over Riley, which I think is ridiculous! If she wants him, she shouldn't give up on him so easily! I get the feeling that..."
"What did you just say?" he interrupted her, staring at her questioningly.
"I said: I-get-the-feeling-that..."
"No," he once more cut her off, shaking his head slightly. "About Buffy 'moping' over soldier boy."
"Well, they... broke up," Willow replied. "A few days ago, I guess it is now..."
He looked so shocked the redhead almost moved a hand before his eyes to snap him out of it, and then he blinked, squared his shoulders and quickly left.
Willow furrowed her brow as those wheels of hers began to turn in her head.
"I get the feeling that there's more to it than she wants to lead on," she filled in the sentence to herself.
Buffy swallowed the last of her punch, gave Tara a smile and excused herself to go see if she could find Xander. Tara nodded, saying that she'd go and look for Willow and the two girls parted.
The Slayer walked through one of the hallways leading to the kitchen. There were doors on either side of her and since there was so much commotion going on around her anyways she didn't react when one of them was opened. However, a firm grip taking hold on her left upper arm and pulling her harshly through the doorway made her draw a breath in surprise.
She pulled out of the hold as soon as the door slid shut behind her and she spun around to meet Spike's gaze.
"God! You HAVE to stop doing this!" she exclaimed and he cocked an eyebrow.
"Pulling you into rooms and closing the door? I'm sorry for my pertinence, love, but I do believe this IS a first," he remarked and she clenched her hands into fists as she let out a growl, turning from him and beginning to pace.
"That's NOT what I mean! You have to stop this whole appearing-out-of- nowhere act! Being everywhere at the same time is a really annoying habit for someone who doesn't even come close to a super-hero kinda character," she replied and he looked at her in such a suddenly searching way that it took her breath clear from her chest, making her stop before taking a step back and shake her head. "You can't keep doing this, Spike. This isn't holding. We both know that. We have to... We have to stop this."
"I bumped into Red just now - literally, as a matter of fact," he said and she raised her eyebrows.
The lamp on the bed stand spread a glow-y light in the room and it lit her up from behind, making her hair into a halo and her form luminous. She was so beautiful in that moment. So vibrant, her life infecting him, dancing around him in the air. And he knew that no matter what happened he would always choose her, choose love. No one would ever compare, not in a thousand years.
And his heart sank as he understood that he just might come to find that out for himself.
"Willow?! I'm trying to yell at you and you switch topics like it's new years eve?" she asked and he frowned.
"Was that supposed to make any bloody sense to me at all?" he asked back and she rolled her eyes.
"Rhetorical!" she shot and he smirked.
"So, sorry again, then. But Red had something interesting to s-..."
"I don't care if she told you Adam is five minutes from storming the place, okay? I'm trying to tell you that whatever this was - between you and me - it has to stop. I can't..."
"Why did you break up with soldier boy?" he asked her quietly and she stared at him, completely blown by that inquiry.
"I-I didn't," she finally mumbled, her eyes in the man's
vampire's
before her and then she blinked. "We both just felt that..."
"Why?" he demanded, taking a step forward and she put her arms around herself as though she wished to shut him out.
"Well..."
"Buffy! Why?!"
"Because of YOU!" she shouted, unfolding her arms and beginning to pace once more.
Spike's eyes grew as he watched her march on the small space she was ordained by the bedside table and the fact that he was standing a few feet before her.
"Because of what I've done," she added, voice lowered as she stopped with her back to him, putting her hands before her face as her shoulders suddenly shook he realized that she was crying. "Damn it," she mumbled through her fingers, swiping at her tears.
"If you want him back why don't you fight for him?" he asked silently and she slowly turned to face him. "If you miss him...?" he added and she felt the slowly emerging defeat fill her as she met his gaze, held it and understood that she couldn't deny him anymore.
Taking the few steps parting them she stepped into him and put her arms around him before she moved her lips to kiss his throat, his chin, and finally join them with his. They both deepened the kiss carefully and she couldn't help but sob with something close to relief as she had to drop the last of the armor which she had tried to put on as a defense against him. It had weighed too heavily... With it gone she felt as though she was lifting off the ground.
"Buffy," he mumbled and she moved her arms to wrap them around his neck as she whispered:
"Don't let me go. Whatever happens, just don't ever let me go."
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Hey everybody! What a wonderful day it is and what wonderful reviews I receive! I hope all is well with every single one of you, reviewer or simply reader (though I'd love to hear from you) ;). All's well with me. Fun knowledge thrown into the mix. Hehe. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this last chapter!
Special thanks to Rachel, Vanessa (merci!) ;), Pin, wolf116, qattaca, spikesevilsoul, Captain, Alyssa (for both!) :), vuks, Von, LizDarcy, Charlie, Crystal, Pine, Lord of Pillows, Renee' and joesarah97 - thanks so, so much for your great support! It's always so much fun to see new names mixing with the familiar ones up there!
Crystal - had to write thanks for that! Amazing to hear! Makes me feel absolutely wonderful! :)
To all of you - your continuing investment of time in this story is as always truly appreciated! Thank you so much! I honestly am thrilled that you like it! Hope you still do! :)
To those who have not seen this week's ep of the show and don't want even a hint at what happened: don't read the following!
Just read the UPN sum-up of this weeks episode! OMG!!!!!! What WILL happen next?! I'm all shivers and goose-bumps over here! Don't wanna know, though. Spoilers and such are not for me but OMG!!!!!!!! Oh, one thing I DO wanna know! Was the kiss SMOOCH or just kinda a kiss on the lips not all Oh, eat me up please? :)
A.M.L, Annie.
Thirty: The Last Moment's Peace
By Annie
2003-05-12
**************************************************************************** *****
Day Twenty-Five.
8.49 a.m.
Buffy closed the door to her dorm room; sighing with relief that it was empty before walking up to flop herself down on her bed.
She hadn't stopped once on her way from the crypt, but now the urge to just throw the door open and run straight back there was completely overwhelming. One second she wanted to hit herself hard over the head for leaving, the next she could do nothing but praise the initiative to do so as she realized that if she had stayed... Well, the intimacy had grown into something she couldn't accept. There was no way that she could.
Leaving had been the right thing to do.
She moaned and rolled over on her side as she wrapped her arms around her and closed her eyes. What was it that stated that she had to be the good girl in every single situation? She had loved a vampire once...
But he had had a soul. And whatever this was with Spike - it sure as hell wasn't anything even resembling love. It wasn't anything but passion. And it wasn't healthy, she knew it wasn't. It was blinding and mind-blowing and totally...altering.
"Altering of what?" she muttered. "Your bodily structure?" she added and then she smiled a bitter smile as she opened her eyes again.
And you can't seriously be comparing him with Angel, she added in her mind. Think of how different they are. The only likeness is their heritage... Okay, stop thinking about Spike. Please! You left. You can't go back now, no matter what, right? So don't dwell!
She couldn't understand why he was acting jealous, though. She thought he really wasn't the type who actually believed in monogamy, so why would he act so possessive of her? Like he didn't want her to be with anybody else... For him to not want that he'd have to...
And he doesn't! she told herself now. He can't feel anything for me. Especially not something so oddly affectionate as... affection.
But there was more there, she knew it. She could see it on him whenever he looked at her. She could feel it deep down and everywhere when he touched her, when he held her... Where had the impatience disappeared to? That emotion which made it impossible for either one of them to be able to look at the other and see anything but that loathed competitor? Where was that backdrop of disgust and anger in his eyes that had always rested there before?
"It's gone," she murmured, sitting up and drawing a breath as she met Willow's questioning gaze. "Erg...hi," the Slayer hurriedly added. "I-I didn't hear you come in..."
Willow smiled hesitantly, observing her friend before she asked:
"What's gone?"
"Oh, nothing... Just this stupid thing with... You know, that thing and everything and what've you been up to?" Buffy managed an attempt at a diversion.
It seemed to work as Willow sighed tiredly.
"Homework, homework, homework," she replied and Buffy smiled empathically. "I didn't notice you come in last night... or when you left this morning," the redhead added and Buffy's smile turned rather stale.
"I..." she mumbled, not able to lie her friend straight in the face she instead searched for a good enough excuse.
Willow produced it for her as she said:
"Oh, before I forget. Giles wanted to see you yesterday, but he couldn't find you and so he left a note."
Walking up to the desk standing to the right of the door she retrieved the said note and handed it to the Slayer, who read it and then shook her head at herself. She had completely forgotten about telling Giles about the two demons working together, she had completely forgotten about a lot of things during the past twenty-four hours or so. Well, no more or that.
"What are you wearing to the party tonight?" Willow asked and Buffy's eyes grew wide.
"Oh, damn! I completely forgot about that," she muttered, putting the note down on the bed and getting to her feet. "You know... I'm not so sure it's a good thing that I go. Things are kinda tight between Riley and me right now, and I'm betting he wouldn't exactly do the hop at me showing up at HIS fraternity party," she added.
"I don't understand, Buffy. What HAPPENED between the two of you?" Willow asked and Buffy bit her jaws together.
"What didn't," she murmured, and then she got a hold on herself and met the other's eyes with a shake of the head. "It's complicated," she added as an explanation and Willow looked dissatisfied with that.
"So give me the cliff notes version, or the one-sentence version, or YOUR version. Just tell me," she then pleaded and Buffy eyed her for a moment before she swallowed.
"I can't," she then said. "I'm sorry, but I just can't. Yet. I have to work this out for myself first," she added at Willow's wondering gaze.
The latter looked sympathetic before she rose and wrapped her arms around the blonde in a hard hug.
"Of course you have to," she replied. "I didn't mean to push," she added and Buffy smiled at her before she gave her a hug back.
"I love you, Will," she said and Willow smiled widely as well.
"Love you too," she agreed.
***
9.45 p.m.
Buffy had butterflies in her stomach when she walked into the large house hosting the "fraternity" which Riley and a dozen other Initiative soldiers helped keep alive the smoke screen of being part of. The place was already filled with people and she had a look around before she walked with Willow and Tara to the table stocked with refreshments.
The Slayer could be proud of herself. She had fought hard the entire day and it had bared fruit - no run-ins, no visits with and no sightings of a certain bleached vampire. She had kept herself out of harm's way and come out standing. Looking great, even. She was very pleased.
Well, with herself that was. Not much else of the pleasing going on, was there?
Buffy, a well-known voice said sharply. We are to have no more of those comments, understood?
"Whatever," she muttered, taking the plastic cup filled with punch and sipping it as she turned around and saw Riley.
He had obviously spotted her as well and her heart began to race as he approached her. She didn't know what to say to him. She still felt so ashamed.
"Hi," he said with a small smile and she returned it tryingly. "Didn't think you'd show."
"Me neither," she replied. "But Willow was going, so I thought I'd just." she trailed off and his smile widened slightly.
"Tag along?" he suggested and she nodded.
"Rye!" Forrest called from the stairs and Riley turned toward the sound.
The fellow agent signed for him to come join and Riley nodded.
"I'll see you around then?" he asked and she nodded.
"Yeah," she mumbled, watching him as he walked across the room to join the others.
She spent the following hour in the company of Willow and Tara, Xander joining them when half the time had floated by and they chatted carelessly as they put the Adam suit on a hanger for an evening. Buffy was just beginning to relax into it when Xander suddenly removed himself from their company, stalking up to the entrance door and the couple who had just walked through it. Buffy's eyes grew involuntarily as she stared from Anya to Spike and then she rose as well.
Was he crazy? What was he doing there?!
She kept herself in the outer vicinity of the not-so-loud fight emerging between the ex-demon and the mortal. Spike was throwing in his own little pieces to the puzzle and she wanted to hit him. Hard. What the hell was he doing with her? She knew Xander and Anya had had a very-loud fight earlier that day so... Perhaps the question she should be asking was what the hell was SHE doing with HIM?
It seemed that was the topic at hand for the ongoing lovers quarrel and she didn't want to eaves drop, but couldn't resist.
She was five feet away, and trying to stay inconspicuous behind a group of four teenagers, when Spike turned his head and rested his gaze in hers. She bit her jaws together hard at the growing self-assurance on him. At that insufferable trait cockiness. She hadn't seen it in some time, it felt like; and so now it simply hit her in the middle of the forehead and she realized where the impatience had run off to as it came hurrying back into her chest.
This was about the time when Xander began to bellow out the proclamation of Hostile Seventeen being in the room, making Spike take his gaze from the Slayer's for staring at the mortal in disbelief as well as growing need to destroy. It was replaced by caution as he looked around the room and Buffy was as well, her heart beating hard in her chest and her mind racing at the different scenarios which could be about to take place if they tried to capture him.
She owed him her life, and she knew that she wouldn't be able to stand back and let them put him in one of their cages again... If she helped him escape it would probably have her friends doubt her state of mind being all good-to-go, though. She could live with that. Usually she felt as though it wasn't anyway.
However, the party went on, the soldier boys kept dancing and laughing and talking, there was no posse standing ready with stun guns and nets. She blinked, and when she directed her eyes on the other three she noticed one was missing.
He couldn't have gotten far and knowing him - the little that she did - she was pretty sure where to find him.
Leaving Anya and Xander to deal on their own, Buffy went out in search for the largest keg of the party. She could merely smirk when she saw the leather clad form she had been looking for, standing next to it.
"What are you doing here?" she asked, shaking her head at him as he turned around, swallowing the mouthful of beer he had just taken and giving her a very cold glare.
"What the bloody hell's it to you?" he growled, brushing past her as he walked up to sit down on a nearby couch.
She turned and followed, stopping right before him and looking down at him before she leaned forward. As her face closed in on his the atmosphere slowly changed around them and she could feel the sudden and growing tension between them. Damn. She straightened her back again and took a step back, crossing her arms over her chest.
Spike was so angry with her. He was sick of feeling angry with himself and it was so much simpler directing the feeling on an easy target. His will had chosen her and he felt he had good reason. She kept plowing him under, storming into his life in one moment just to leave it as hastily the next. Uninvited she had taken the honorary seat of his thoughts and he wanted nothing more than to get her the hell off of it!
She could see that he was mad at her; it was clear enough. But something else lay at the edge of the blueness which rested in her green. She couldn't grasp the sense of it, but she knew it was there. Deep down. Buried and hidden in the same reluctance to show weakness that she harbored. Weakness merely lead to pain, to disappointment.
When did he ever disappoint you? she asked herself quietly and she stared at him as he glared back. Has he broken the handshake? The silly code you installed between the two of you?
Spike watched the rather thoughtful expression drawing over her features before she took another step back from him. She unwrapped her arms as she adopted his expression and then she grumbled:
"Fine," before she turned to remove herself from his presence.
He kept his eyes hard as he watched her back be blocked out by moving bodies, and then he let out a small huff of breath as he closed them.
It was easy to put iron around his heart and be sure nothing would ever melt it - when he wasn't near her. But when she was close, close enough to touch. Close enough to SEE... Was this how it was supposed to be? Really? Was he supposed to give her up? Without a fight? If he could only make her understand that what she did to him was so much more than mere satisfaction; if he could show her how she dug deep into him and didn't leave that place even when she herself left him - like she usually did. If he could do that, then perhaps she would see him as someone who...
Don't go there, Spike, my boy, he muttered in his head as he got to his feet. You've been there before and had to turn back. She won't ever! Let it sink through your thick skull. What she wants from you has nothing to do with emotions.
But it could, he countered. I know it. I know it could.
She's with perfect-little-human, protector-of-all-human, all-through-and- through-human soldier boy! Or did that happen to slip your mind?
He was so sodding confused. Hate her versus can't help but love her...need her...crave her. It was driving him out of his mind. He couldn't bloody breathe!
Oh. Great. Bleeding terrific. Now she had him thinking that he actually NEEDED to push air in and out of his buggering lungs!
He huffed at that, putting the beer down and shaking his head at himself.
He needed to make up his mind. The first step was to take a bunch of steps out of the place hosting her, get himself a girl for the night and... forget. Just forget all of it. And when he had repeated this for enough nights perhaps he wouldn't have to remind himself to forget... Perhaps she'd be erased.
He moved toward the exit door when he bumped into someone and he blinked, looking down.
"Willow," he said and she smiled hesitantly.
"Oh-so-unlikely-ally," she greeted and he smirked rather uncertainly as well.
"How's the evening treating you, then?" he asked and she shrugged a little.
"It's okay, I guess. If you like loud music and funky tasting punch and two of your closest friends being all in a bad mood," she sighed.
"Well, I was just leaving," he stated, gesturing toward the door, but it seemed she didn't pick up on it as she continued with:
"You know, you'd think they could just fess up, wouldn't you? I'd actually been looking forward to this. Getting out, amongst people with T-...other people. You know?"
He observed her for a moment; then nodded a little, looking around the room in search for someone else who would actually listen to the apprentice Wicca complaining.
"It's sucha bummer. Couldn't they make up and move on? Forgive and forget? Isn't that what love's all about? Xander's clearly only thinking about Anya anyways," she grumbled, leaning against the wall behind her and sounding as though she was more or less talking to herself.
"Anya. Right," Spike nodded, still glancing about the room, looking for an escape.
"And Buffy's all moping over Riley, which I think is ridiculous! If she wants him, she shouldn't give up on him so easily! I get the feeling that..."
"What did you just say?" he interrupted her, staring at her questioningly.
"I said: I-get-the-feeling-that..."
"No," he once more cut her off, shaking his head slightly. "About Buffy 'moping' over soldier boy."
"Well, they... broke up," Willow replied. "A few days ago, I guess it is now..."
He looked so shocked the redhead almost moved a hand before his eyes to snap him out of it, and then he blinked, squared his shoulders and quickly left.
Willow furrowed her brow as those wheels of hers began to turn in her head.
"I get the feeling that there's more to it than she wants to lead on," she filled in the sentence to herself.
Buffy swallowed the last of her punch, gave Tara a smile and excused herself to go see if she could find Xander. Tara nodded, saying that she'd go and look for Willow and the two girls parted.
The Slayer walked through one of the hallways leading to the kitchen. There were doors on either side of her and since there was so much commotion going on around her anyways she didn't react when one of them was opened. However, a firm grip taking hold on her left upper arm and pulling her harshly through the doorway made her draw a breath in surprise.
She pulled out of the hold as soon as the door slid shut behind her and she spun around to meet Spike's gaze.
"God! You HAVE to stop doing this!" she exclaimed and he cocked an eyebrow.
"Pulling you into rooms and closing the door? I'm sorry for my pertinence, love, but I do believe this IS a first," he remarked and she clenched her hands into fists as she let out a growl, turning from him and beginning to pace.
"That's NOT what I mean! You have to stop this whole appearing-out-of- nowhere act! Being everywhere at the same time is a really annoying habit for someone who doesn't even come close to a super-hero kinda character," she replied and he looked at her in such a suddenly searching way that it took her breath clear from her chest, making her stop before taking a step back and shake her head. "You can't keep doing this, Spike. This isn't holding. We both know that. We have to... We have to stop this."
"I bumped into Red just now - literally, as a matter of fact," he said and she raised her eyebrows.
The lamp on the bed stand spread a glow-y light in the room and it lit her up from behind, making her hair into a halo and her form luminous. She was so beautiful in that moment. So vibrant, her life infecting him, dancing around him in the air. And he knew that no matter what happened he would always choose her, choose love. No one would ever compare, not in a thousand years.
And his heart sank as he understood that he just might come to find that out for himself.
"Willow?! I'm trying to yell at you and you switch topics like it's new years eve?" she asked and he frowned.
"Was that supposed to make any bloody sense to me at all?" he asked back and she rolled her eyes.
"Rhetorical!" she shot and he smirked.
"So, sorry again, then. But Red had something interesting to s-..."
"I don't care if she told you Adam is five minutes from storming the place, okay? I'm trying to tell you that whatever this was - between you and me - it has to stop. I can't..."
"Why did you break up with soldier boy?" he asked her quietly and she stared at him, completely blown by that inquiry.
"I-I didn't," she finally mumbled, her eyes in the man's
vampire's
before her and then she blinked. "We both just felt that..."
"Why?" he demanded, taking a step forward and she put her arms around herself as though she wished to shut him out.
"Well..."
"Buffy! Why?!"
"Because of YOU!" she shouted, unfolding her arms and beginning to pace once more.
Spike's eyes grew as he watched her march on the small space she was ordained by the bedside table and the fact that he was standing a few feet before her.
"Because of what I've done," she added, voice lowered as she stopped with her back to him, putting her hands before her face as her shoulders suddenly shook he realized that she was crying. "Damn it," she mumbled through her fingers, swiping at her tears.
"If you want him back why don't you fight for him?" he asked silently and she slowly turned to face him. "If you miss him...?" he added and she felt the slowly emerging defeat fill her as she met his gaze, held it and understood that she couldn't deny him anymore.
Taking the few steps parting them she stepped into him and put her arms around him before she moved her lips to kiss his throat, his chin, and finally join them with his. They both deepened the kiss carefully and she couldn't help but sob with something close to relief as she had to drop the last of the armor which she had tried to put on as a defense against him. It had weighed too heavily... With it gone she felt as though she was lifting off the ground.
"Buffy," he mumbled and she moved her arms to wrap them around his neck as she whispered:
"Don't let me go. Whatever happens, just don't ever let me go."
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Hey everybody! What a wonderful day it is and what wonderful reviews I receive! I hope all is well with every single one of you, reviewer or simply reader (though I'd love to hear from you) ;). All's well with me. Fun knowledge thrown into the mix. Hehe. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this last chapter!
Special thanks to Rachel, Vanessa (merci!) ;), Pin, wolf116, qattaca, spikesevilsoul, Captain, Alyssa (for both!) :), vuks, Von, LizDarcy, Charlie, Crystal, Pine, Lord of Pillows, Renee' and joesarah97 - thanks so, so much for your great support! It's always so much fun to see new names mixing with the familiar ones up there!
Crystal - had to write thanks for that! Amazing to hear! Makes me feel absolutely wonderful! :)
To all of you - your continuing investment of time in this story is as always truly appreciated! Thank you so much! I honestly am thrilled that you like it! Hope you still do! :)
To those who have not seen this week's ep of the show and don't want even a hint at what happened: don't read the following!
Just read the UPN sum-up of this weeks episode! OMG!!!!!! What WILL happen next?! I'm all shivers and goose-bumps over here! Don't wanna know, though. Spoilers and such are not for me but OMG!!!!!!!! Oh, one thing I DO wanna know! Was the kiss SMOOCH or just kinda a kiss on the lips not all Oh, eat me up please? :)
A.M.L, Annie.