*******************************TRApPeD**************************************
Thirty-Two: I Lose Myself
By Annie
2003-05-19
**************************************************************************** *
Day Twenty-Six.
10.19 a.m.
He couldn't believe it! He had just blown his safety net straight to hell. With his only shield of protection gone - keeping the whole humiliating, awful, twisted truth to himself - he had completely wrecked his chances of slipping out of this nightmare unharmed. Well, maybe it hadn't always been a nightmare... but it sure was now! The way she was looking at him...
He would have given anything if he had only been spared that expression of shock and disbelief and absolute depredation.
"What did you...?!" she tried again and he interrupted her.
"Nothing!" he said and her eyes grew wide.
"Don't even ATTEMPT to 'nothing' me!" she exclaimed.
"Bloody hell, Slayer," he grumbled.
"Don't you DARE 'bloody hell' me either. WHAT did you just SAY to me?!"
He merely eyed her in thickening silence until it was filling her mouth and slipping down her throat and she couldn't take it anymore.
"Is THIS nothing?" she inquired, making a gesture to the atmosphere in general and he arched an eyebrow as he tried to figure the whole thing out.
He needed a reply that would throw her...
"I love you," he stated, rather the second before he could prohibit his sudden taste for truthfulness; biting his jaws together and steadying himself as he met her gaze. "I'm..."
"Stop," she cut him off, shaking her head and taking a step into the room, her brow furrowing slightly. "You can't mean that. You can't 'love' me...!"
He ground his teeth as he raised his eyebrows questioningly, his face growing defiant as he asked:
"And why's that?"
She stared at him, crossing her arms over her chest and he tilted his head slightly to one side, waiting.
"I don't believe you! What is this? Seducing-for-dummies? Have you completely lost your mind?!" she yelled, unfolding her arms and taking another step forward. "If you think a stunt like this'll make me fall into your arms you must be completely crazy!" she added and he took a step forward as well as he growled back:
"You think I would say those words to you if I didn't bleeding well mean them?!"
Her eyes were blank with something he couldn't determine. They were glazed over with what looked like tears, but he was pretty sure it in fact was not. She was trying to form words, but seemingly coming out short.
There were no thoughts moving through her head; just something vacant which filled her entire mind as she kept staring at him. This couldn't be happening.
"Oh, no," she finally got her tongue back, shaking her head. "No. You can't be serious!"
"Buffy..." he murmured and she put one hand up, stopping him.
"Oh, God, don't," she said. "Just don't even."
"I..."
"I don't wanna hear it," she once more cut him off.
"Well, you're bloody well gonna!" he burst out. "If you just dared open your eyes one teeny bit, love, you'd see that you're still in the sodding stone age of Slayerthinking. You need a soul to love?" he asked and she felt how she was stiffening as she kept her eyes in his storming gaze. "Guess you need a soul to hate too then 'cause if you look around you the world is bursting with it. And I'm not only talking about the demonic world here. You know I'm right, I know you do... And I know this isn't how it usually bloody goes down, don't you think I do?! But... you can't just shut me out."
"Watch me," she grumbled, about to turn from him when his hands grabbed her shoulders and he said:
"No, you FACE me. Look at me, Buffy."
She swallowed, shaking her head at all of it before humoring him and resting her eyes in his once more.
"Stop," she then murmured. "This ends now."
"I never thought this would happen," he said, voice lowered as he kept his hold on her when she tried to step out of it. "Did you think I walked down into that basement thinking 'This seems like a good day to get trapped with the sodding Slayer and...'"
"Please. Don't," she said, looking up at him with the graveness painting her eyes forest green.
"I never bloody imagined that I'd feel this way about you," he continued without hesitation and she once again tried to get away from him, but failed as his words were weakening her, were making her feel out of breath as her heart kept pounding in her chest. "But no matter how hard I've fought this, I haven't been able to win. And now... I can't fight it anymore..." He paused, looking at her for a long second before he finished: "I love you."
His gaze was as serious as hers and she drew a shaking breath before she managed to tear free from him.
"No," she then said, voice shaking as she took a step away from him. "You don't."
Turning she rushed up to the door, pulled it open and continued through it. Once outside the crypt she picked up her pace and began to run. She didn't stop until she was outside of town, being met by low shrubs and dried grass and utter emptiness.
That vacancy where her thoughts had been missing was now filling with whispers and memories and tastes and sensations and with a thousand questions. A billion, even. They trembled and twirled about themselves, slick as they grooved to the heavy beating of her heart.
She tried to focus his voice out of her head, struggled to clear her mind of the expression in those azure blues of his, was compelled to shut out the low murmur of the night prior... and how he had made her feel.
She ran her hands through her hair and closed her eyes.
She hated him.
She hated him for doing this.
He was lying! He had to be lying. It was another trick. He couldn't love, it was impossible. Impossible! Without a soul love cannot live in a being. And he was soulless. He couldn't love her. He didn't love her. Of course he didn't! If he thought for one second that she could ever believe him... Whatever it was that he thought he was feeling - it wasn't love. It was not love.
Then why hadn't she been more shocked at hearing him say those words? Why hadn't she felt the disgust well up inside of her? Why had there only been an icing chill of fear down her back as her dream had been realized?
'I'm in love.'
'So am I.'
Truth is, a voice spoke up and oh, how she wanted to shut it up - but she couldn't. Truth is you've been watching the way he's been acting, and you've wanted to ask him what's been up with him for some time now... Was this the answer you were expecting? Or... hoping for?
She opened her eyes and shook her head.
"He's not... I can't..." she mumbled, tears forming in her eyes without her ever telling them they could and she tried to blink them away, but there was no use. "I can't," she repeated, tilting her head back and looking up at the sky.
Wishing for wings. Wishing for an escape. Just for a few precious hours she wanted to soar high, high above it all.
Flashes of her body entangled in his made her draw a deep breath and shake her head.
He's not freedom. He's another cage. He's just another cage. I can't be locked up within him. It's not even real. None of it is. Not this so-called partnership, not this phony state of having him under my skin and inside my mind, not the amazing sex bit, not the quiet need to be near him and definitely not him being in love with me! Just thinking it sounds strange! Spike's in love with me. It sounds so out there I can't even... I wonder...
She took a small breath and then said slowly:
"Spike's in love with me."
She blinked, fighting the small shiver of something close to nice sliding down her spine as she saw his face before her.
"But it wasn't even the blink of an eye ago that we hated each other..." she murmured, putting her arms around herself. "That he hated me as much as I do him," she corrected herself quietly, closing her eyes again.
She didn't know what to do. She had absolutely no idea what she should do.
What about what you want?
She opened her eyes and sighed.
That's never the issue, is it? she thought. And even if I did know...
The whole situation was too messed up now to even try to straighten out anyway.
So, there really were only two options, as she saw it.
All it came down to now was her making the right choice.
***
11.22 a.m.
He was pacing. He disliked doing it, but couldn't find another way to express his impatience with himself, his boiling irritation.
Left behind, eh? Once again branded the fool of this pathetic masquerade. He swore, if he could rewind time, he would take it all back. But he couldn't, and he couldn't stay in the crypt with nothing but remorse as a companion. He'd lose his mind... more.
Pulling his duster on and grabbing a torn blanket, which he had taken with him from The Basement - NOT as a token of a reminder, he tore the door open and almost stepped right into...
"Buffy?"
She pushed passed him and he blinked, hesitantly turning around to look at her as he shut the door with his left hand.
"If you're gonna scream at me some more and then bloody run away again..." he began, but she interrupted him as she looked up and met his gaze, stating:
"I don't want you to say anything. I don't want you to speak, or move, or even look at me. No. DON'T look at me. I didn't come back for you to do any of that... Now, explain."
He turned his eyes back in hers as he cocked an eyebrow and she rolled her own to the ceiling with a shake of the head.
"You know what I mean," she murmured and he tilted his head slightly to one side as he observed her for a few moments.
"How can I bloody explain any of this?" he then wondered. "You think it makes sense to me? I know I'm not supposed to feel like this. I know this isn't how it should be... But when I'm near you..."
He trailed off as she rested her eyes in his, her face solemn and he bit his lower lip as he was attacked by a shower of shivers, his nerves tangling themselves up. If there was even the slightest chance that she had come back for anything but to give him the final brush off... The hope was too strong to even try to suppress and he felt his thoughts elude him as he looked into her gaze.
"'When you're near me...'?" she repeated questioningly. "When did all this change from 'I'll wring your neck' to... And I... I don't understand," she added, looking away from him.
"I don't either. And I bloody well don't know when this went from... to..." he stuttered, trailing off. "Why are you here?" he then asked and she turned from him to walk up to the armchair, putting one hand against the back-support's cushion.
"You know, ever since I had to spend a few days in the company of your precious self my whole world's been turned upside down," she stated, still not looking at him as he couldn't take his eyes off her. "And I don't mean that in the woo-hoo-let's-do-that-again kinda way," she added and he smirked.
"Then what've we been doing over and over... and over?" he asked and she turned her head to him, the small sign of her face softening and her eyes growing a tad more gentle made his heart stop... more.
Then she shook her head.
"I should've stayed with Riley," she murmured. "He... he made me happy and..."
Spike approached her, making her trail off as he stopped before her.
"Give me one chance," he mumbled and she drew an unsteady breath as she held his gaze as firmly as she could manage.
She shook her head again, this time slowly.
"This can't ever work out, Spike. You have to know that," she replied and he stepped into her as he reached up his hands and placed them on either side of her face.
"One chance to make you happy," he mumbled and she put her hands up, placing them on the leather covering his upper arms.
"You can't," she stated simply, and though he could hear her voice wavering he released her, taking a step back.
They watched each other in stillness for nearly a minute and then he began to speak.
"The first time I saw you as anything but a mark, was the first time I saw you," he said silently and she didn't move her eyes from his as he continued: "You were dancing, with Willow and Xander, and you were glowing. Vibrating. You pretty much knocked me over right then and there... but I got back up on my feet pretty bloody quick and then you were just another target... The enemy. It was easy enough. In that basement, with you... God, how I tried to resist you. I was shocked outta my sodding mind once it dawned on me that I wanted you; that I had to feel you... I convinced myself that was all there was - desire..." Buffy swallowed, still listening with her heart beating terribly slow in her chest as he went on: "But then... Then something happened. Something clicked. Once we were outta there all I could bloody think about was you... How I could get you close to me again. And when everything I saw was your face, when every single thing I touched was the softness of your skin..."
"Spike," she mumbled, and he granted her a small smile before he continued with:
"I realized that I felt alone without you; that I wanted to wake up beside you; that I wanted to listen to your crazy blabbering and your pep-talks and be close to your buggering never ending optimism. I want to know what gets you real mad - apart from ME, and what brings you... calm? I want to know you, Buffy. To learn OF you... Your life."
"Spike," she tried to get him to stop once again, and once again he merely smiled.
"We're different, I know that. But on another level we're... compatible. You may not bloody like it - but we are. If we weren't, we wouldn't work - period. I'm in love with you..."
"Spike..."
"...and something tells me a part of you...a small part of you...can see that."
She swallowed, once more having a hard time breathing properly. Why had she gone back to this cursed place?! Why? Why? WHY?!
"Can't you? ...See it?" he mumbled and she tried to take a step back, but couldn't.
Instead he took one forward, standing two feet away and his being beginning to reach out to dance around her.
He hesitated a moment, and then he said, voice low, sincere and powerful:
"The only time I ever feel truly alive... is when I lose myself in you."
She stared at him and he observed her face. He couldn't read it and it was unsettling.
Oh, God, why did he manage to move her like this? How could he dig inside her with confessions that should make her shudder, should have her running as far away from him as possible... again? Why did his eyes go so deep?
The choice had been made when she turned and set her feet on the course leading to his crypt, and not to her dorm room. And now it was too late to ever take it back. He ruled her... he broke her down so easily...
She took a small, trembling breath and then she diminished the space between them as she took a step forward.
He stared down at her as she cautiously reached up one hand and let it gently touch his cheek before it slid up and through his bleached curls.
"Spike," she practically whispered and he let the smile grace his lips tentatively before he moved his arms around her and pulled her close.
As he bent forward she stood on her toes and met his lips with her own. Deepening the kiss she linked her arms behind his neck, pressing herself to him and knowing that she just might be falling into the hands of one of the most devious fiends she had ever had to deal with.
Then again... a part of her - a small part of her - did see. And it could do nothing but believe in what it saw in that warmth so clear whenever he had his gaze in hers. A part of her refused to ignore its belief in his love for her, because it had been waiting. It had been wanting. And no matter how hard she needed to deny that - that small part of her knew the truth.
***
3.45.p.m.
"Where did you get this?" she asked, running her finger along the scar located slashing through his left eyebrow.
He reached up his hand and slid it into hers before he removed it from the spot, kissing her fingers tenderly and then letting both their hands rest against his torso. Her head was propped up in her right hand where she lay beside him on the sarcophagus; her body leaned against him and partially placed on top of him as her chest graced his.
"I got it in a fight," he answered her. "A long time ago," he added and she smiled a little before she pulled up and placed her lips against it.
"I'm glad you won," she then said and he swallowed at the gentleness in her eyes as she slid down and back into her previous position.
"Yeah?" he murmured and she nodded.
"Yeah," she confirmed before she moved her head forward and kissed him softly. "It's not everyday that someone 'loses themselves in me'," she added, mouth still to his though hers curved in a teasing smile as his eyes opened and he grabbed her with a growl, making her give a cry of delight as he tilted her over and placed himself on top of her.
She giggled as he held her down, and she fought to get loose as his lips crashed down on hers. She met his kiss the next moment.
"I pour my heart out to you and you bloody ridicule it?" he murmured as he broke the kiss and moved his head so that he could meet her gaze.
"No," she said with a small smile, kissing him on the lips before she added: "Not 'ridicule', just prompt."
He raised his eyebrows and she smirked, moving her hips up against his and he clenched his jaws together.
"As in 'prompt' you to lose yourself in me again," she mumbled and he returned her smirk as he entered her, filled her and made her moan.
Putting his forehead to hers he closed his eyes.
"You don't have to prompt anything for me to do that," he whispered, his hands letting her wrists go and hers moving to glide over his back and into his hair. "All I have to do... is look at you."
She smiled at that, tilting her head back as the pleasure kept building. It was heavier than ever before, shattering her cells as it spread, and still making her feel that freedom she had craved mere hours earlier. Granting her those wings, having her soar.
He felt it too. She was sure of it. She made him feel it too.
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I swear; it never seizes to amaze me what a load of reviews I keep getting! Every chapter is a new chapter, after all. Thanks a lot! It's so wonderful!
Very special thanks to skybound, LizDarcy, vuks (thanks again for the nomination, girl. That's really something!), qattaca, msu, VampiresKiss, Captain, Reader, Shaelune, Rachel, Night, Von, joesarah97, Heather, charisma1525, Alyssa, anon, Andi, Renee', Princepessa (Glad you like and thanks for both reviews!), dolally, Pine, thechosen and Phyllis - THANK YOU! I wanted to make this the personal kinda thank yous but it's late, I'm sick and I have to go to bed. (*get with the poor, poor me*) ;) I LOVE reading your comments and you always make me smile, never doubt that, k? I'm sure you don't! :)
To the congrats on me getting a nomination with this story I can only say thank you all! It feels really great that you think I actually deserve it! I'm loving writing it and GOD I hope you liked this chapter! ;)
Vuks who nominated - a third shout out to you! It meant a lot and of course I'm not anything but happyhappy! Thank you so, so much!
Again, hope you enjoyed this.
A.M.L, Annie.
Thirty-Two: I Lose Myself
By Annie
2003-05-19
**************************************************************************** *
Day Twenty-Six.
10.19 a.m.
He couldn't believe it! He had just blown his safety net straight to hell. With his only shield of protection gone - keeping the whole humiliating, awful, twisted truth to himself - he had completely wrecked his chances of slipping out of this nightmare unharmed. Well, maybe it hadn't always been a nightmare... but it sure was now! The way she was looking at him...
He would have given anything if he had only been spared that expression of shock and disbelief and absolute depredation.
"What did you...?!" she tried again and he interrupted her.
"Nothing!" he said and her eyes grew wide.
"Don't even ATTEMPT to 'nothing' me!" she exclaimed.
"Bloody hell, Slayer," he grumbled.
"Don't you DARE 'bloody hell' me either. WHAT did you just SAY to me?!"
He merely eyed her in thickening silence until it was filling her mouth and slipping down her throat and she couldn't take it anymore.
"Is THIS nothing?" she inquired, making a gesture to the atmosphere in general and he arched an eyebrow as he tried to figure the whole thing out.
He needed a reply that would throw her...
"I love you," he stated, rather the second before he could prohibit his sudden taste for truthfulness; biting his jaws together and steadying himself as he met her gaze. "I'm..."
"Stop," she cut him off, shaking her head and taking a step into the room, her brow furrowing slightly. "You can't mean that. You can't 'love' me...!"
He ground his teeth as he raised his eyebrows questioningly, his face growing defiant as he asked:
"And why's that?"
She stared at him, crossing her arms over her chest and he tilted his head slightly to one side, waiting.
"I don't believe you! What is this? Seducing-for-dummies? Have you completely lost your mind?!" she yelled, unfolding her arms and taking another step forward. "If you think a stunt like this'll make me fall into your arms you must be completely crazy!" she added and he took a step forward as well as he growled back:
"You think I would say those words to you if I didn't bleeding well mean them?!"
Her eyes were blank with something he couldn't determine. They were glazed over with what looked like tears, but he was pretty sure it in fact was not. She was trying to form words, but seemingly coming out short.
There were no thoughts moving through her head; just something vacant which filled her entire mind as she kept staring at him. This couldn't be happening.
"Oh, no," she finally got her tongue back, shaking her head. "No. You can't be serious!"
"Buffy..." he murmured and she put one hand up, stopping him.
"Oh, God, don't," she said. "Just don't even."
"I..."
"I don't wanna hear it," she once more cut him off.
"Well, you're bloody well gonna!" he burst out. "If you just dared open your eyes one teeny bit, love, you'd see that you're still in the sodding stone age of Slayerthinking. You need a soul to love?" he asked and she felt how she was stiffening as she kept her eyes in his storming gaze. "Guess you need a soul to hate too then 'cause if you look around you the world is bursting with it. And I'm not only talking about the demonic world here. You know I'm right, I know you do... And I know this isn't how it usually bloody goes down, don't you think I do?! But... you can't just shut me out."
"Watch me," she grumbled, about to turn from him when his hands grabbed her shoulders and he said:
"No, you FACE me. Look at me, Buffy."
She swallowed, shaking her head at all of it before humoring him and resting her eyes in his once more.
"Stop," she then murmured. "This ends now."
"I never thought this would happen," he said, voice lowered as he kept his hold on her when she tried to step out of it. "Did you think I walked down into that basement thinking 'This seems like a good day to get trapped with the sodding Slayer and...'"
"Please. Don't," she said, looking up at him with the graveness painting her eyes forest green.
"I never bloody imagined that I'd feel this way about you," he continued without hesitation and she once again tried to get away from him, but failed as his words were weakening her, were making her feel out of breath as her heart kept pounding in her chest. "But no matter how hard I've fought this, I haven't been able to win. And now... I can't fight it anymore..." He paused, looking at her for a long second before he finished: "I love you."
His gaze was as serious as hers and she drew a shaking breath before she managed to tear free from him.
"No," she then said, voice shaking as she took a step away from him. "You don't."
Turning she rushed up to the door, pulled it open and continued through it. Once outside the crypt she picked up her pace and began to run. She didn't stop until she was outside of town, being met by low shrubs and dried grass and utter emptiness.
That vacancy where her thoughts had been missing was now filling with whispers and memories and tastes and sensations and with a thousand questions. A billion, even. They trembled and twirled about themselves, slick as they grooved to the heavy beating of her heart.
She tried to focus his voice out of her head, struggled to clear her mind of the expression in those azure blues of his, was compelled to shut out the low murmur of the night prior... and how he had made her feel.
She ran her hands through her hair and closed her eyes.
She hated him.
She hated him for doing this.
He was lying! He had to be lying. It was another trick. He couldn't love, it was impossible. Impossible! Without a soul love cannot live in a being. And he was soulless. He couldn't love her. He didn't love her. Of course he didn't! If he thought for one second that she could ever believe him... Whatever it was that he thought he was feeling - it wasn't love. It was not love.
Then why hadn't she been more shocked at hearing him say those words? Why hadn't she felt the disgust well up inside of her? Why had there only been an icing chill of fear down her back as her dream had been realized?
'I'm in love.'
'So am I.'
Truth is, a voice spoke up and oh, how she wanted to shut it up - but she couldn't. Truth is you've been watching the way he's been acting, and you've wanted to ask him what's been up with him for some time now... Was this the answer you were expecting? Or... hoping for?
She opened her eyes and shook her head.
"He's not... I can't..." she mumbled, tears forming in her eyes without her ever telling them they could and she tried to blink them away, but there was no use. "I can't," she repeated, tilting her head back and looking up at the sky.
Wishing for wings. Wishing for an escape. Just for a few precious hours she wanted to soar high, high above it all.
Flashes of her body entangled in his made her draw a deep breath and shake her head.
He's not freedom. He's another cage. He's just another cage. I can't be locked up within him. It's not even real. None of it is. Not this so-called partnership, not this phony state of having him under my skin and inside my mind, not the amazing sex bit, not the quiet need to be near him and definitely not him being in love with me! Just thinking it sounds strange! Spike's in love with me. It sounds so out there I can't even... I wonder...
She took a small breath and then said slowly:
"Spike's in love with me."
She blinked, fighting the small shiver of something close to nice sliding down her spine as she saw his face before her.
"But it wasn't even the blink of an eye ago that we hated each other..." she murmured, putting her arms around herself. "That he hated me as much as I do him," she corrected herself quietly, closing her eyes again.
She didn't know what to do. She had absolutely no idea what she should do.
What about what you want?
She opened her eyes and sighed.
That's never the issue, is it? she thought. And even if I did know...
The whole situation was too messed up now to even try to straighten out anyway.
So, there really were only two options, as she saw it.
All it came down to now was her making the right choice.
***
11.22 a.m.
He was pacing. He disliked doing it, but couldn't find another way to express his impatience with himself, his boiling irritation.
Left behind, eh? Once again branded the fool of this pathetic masquerade. He swore, if he could rewind time, he would take it all back. But he couldn't, and he couldn't stay in the crypt with nothing but remorse as a companion. He'd lose his mind... more.
Pulling his duster on and grabbing a torn blanket, which he had taken with him from The Basement - NOT as a token of a reminder, he tore the door open and almost stepped right into...
"Buffy?"
She pushed passed him and he blinked, hesitantly turning around to look at her as he shut the door with his left hand.
"If you're gonna scream at me some more and then bloody run away again..." he began, but she interrupted him as she looked up and met his gaze, stating:
"I don't want you to say anything. I don't want you to speak, or move, or even look at me. No. DON'T look at me. I didn't come back for you to do any of that... Now, explain."
He turned his eyes back in hers as he cocked an eyebrow and she rolled her own to the ceiling with a shake of the head.
"You know what I mean," she murmured and he tilted his head slightly to one side as he observed her for a few moments.
"How can I bloody explain any of this?" he then wondered. "You think it makes sense to me? I know I'm not supposed to feel like this. I know this isn't how it should be... But when I'm near you..."
He trailed off as she rested her eyes in his, her face solemn and he bit his lower lip as he was attacked by a shower of shivers, his nerves tangling themselves up. If there was even the slightest chance that she had come back for anything but to give him the final brush off... The hope was too strong to even try to suppress and he felt his thoughts elude him as he looked into her gaze.
"'When you're near me...'?" she repeated questioningly. "When did all this change from 'I'll wring your neck' to... And I... I don't understand," she added, looking away from him.
"I don't either. And I bloody well don't know when this went from... to..." he stuttered, trailing off. "Why are you here?" he then asked and she turned from him to walk up to the armchair, putting one hand against the back-support's cushion.
"You know, ever since I had to spend a few days in the company of your precious self my whole world's been turned upside down," she stated, still not looking at him as he couldn't take his eyes off her. "And I don't mean that in the woo-hoo-let's-do-that-again kinda way," she added and he smirked.
"Then what've we been doing over and over... and over?" he asked and she turned her head to him, the small sign of her face softening and her eyes growing a tad more gentle made his heart stop... more.
Then she shook her head.
"I should've stayed with Riley," she murmured. "He... he made me happy and..."
Spike approached her, making her trail off as he stopped before her.
"Give me one chance," he mumbled and she drew an unsteady breath as she held his gaze as firmly as she could manage.
She shook her head again, this time slowly.
"This can't ever work out, Spike. You have to know that," she replied and he stepped into her as he reached up his hands and placed them on either side of her face.
"One chance to make you happy," he mumbled and she put her hands up, placing them on the leather covering his upper arms.
"You can't," she stated simply, and though he could hear her voice wavering he released her, taking a step back.
They watched each other in stillness for nearly a minute and then he began to speak.
"The first time I saw you as anything but a mark, was the first time I saw you," he said silently and she didn't move her eyes from his as he continued: "You were dancing, with Willow and Xander, and you were glowing. Vibrating. You pretty much knocked me over right then and there... but I got back up on my feet pretty bloody quick and then you were just another target... The enemy. It was easy enough. In that basement, with you... God, how I tried to resist you. I was shocked outta my sodding mind once it dawned on me that I wanted you; that I had to feel you... I convinced myself that was all there was - desire..." Buffy swallowed, still listening with her heart beating terribly slow in her chest as he went on: "But then... Then something happened. Something clicked. Once we were outta there all I could bloody think about was you... How I could get you close to me again. And when everything I saw was your face, when every single thing I touched was the softness of your skin..."
"Spike," she mumbled, and he granted her a small smile before he continued with:
"I realized that I felt alone without you; that I wanted to wake up beside you; that I wanted to listen to your crazy blabbering and your pep-talks and be close to your buggering never ending optimism. I want to know what gets you real mad - apart from ME, and what brings you... calm? I want to know you, Buffy. To learn OF you... Your life."
"Spike," she tried to get him to stop once again, and once again he merely smiled.
"We're different, I know that. But on another level we're... compatible. You may not bloody like it - but we are. If we weren't, we wouldn't work - period. I'm in love with you..."
"Spike..."
"...and something tells me a part of you...a small part of you...can see that."
She swallowed, once more having a hard time breathing properly. Why had she gone back to this cursed place?! Why? Why? WHY?!
"Can't you? ...See it?" he mumbled and she tried to take a step back, but couldn't.
Instead he took one forward, standing two feet away and his being beginning to reach out to dance around her.
He hesitated a moment, and then he said, voice low, sincere and powerful:
"The only time I ever feel truly alive... is when I lose myself in you."
She stared at him and he observed her face. He couldn't read it and it was unsettling.
Oh, God, why did he manage to move her like this? How could he dig inside her with confessions that should make her shudder, should have her running as far away from him as possible... again? Why did his eyes go so deep?
The choice had been made when she turned and set her feet on the course leading to his crypt, and not to her dorm room. And now it was too late to ever take it back. He ruled her... he broke her down so easily...
She took a small, trembling breath and then she diminished the space between them as she took a step forward.
He stared down at her as she cautiously reached up one hand and let it gently touch his cheek before it slid up and through his bleached curls.
"Spike," she practically whispered and he let the smile grace his lips tentatively before he moved his arms around her and pulled her close.
As he bent forward she stood on her toes and met his lips with her own. Deepening the kiss she linked her arms behind his neck, pressing herself to him and knowing that she just might be falling into the hands of one of the most devious fiends she had ever had to deal with.
Then again... a part of her - a small part of her - did see. And it could do nothing but believe in what it saw in that warmth so clear whenever he had his gaze in hers. A part of her refused to ignore its belief in his love for her, because it had been waiting. It had been wanting. And no matter how hard she needed to deny that - that small part of her knew the truth.
***
3.45.p.m.
"Where did you get this?" she asked, running her finger along the scar located slashing through his left eyebrow.
He reached up his hand and slid it into hers before he removed it from the spot, kissing her fingers tenderly and then letting both their hands rest against his torso. Her head was propped up in her right hand where she lay beside him on the sarcophagus; her body leaned against him and partially placed on top of him as her chest graced his.
"I got it in a fight," he answered her. "A long time ago," he added and she smiled a little before she pulled up and placed her lips against it.
"I'm glad you won," she then said and he swallowed at the gentleness in her eyes as she slid down and back into her previous position.
"Yeah?" he murmured and she nodded.
"Yeah," she confirmed before she moved her head forward and kissed him softly. "It's not everyday that someone 'loses themselves in me'," she added, mouth still to his though hers curved in a teasing smile as his eyes opened and he grabbed her with a growl, making her give a cry of delight as he tilted her over and placed himself on top of her.
She giggled as he held her down, and she fought to get loose as his lips crashed down on hers. She met his kiss the next moment.
"I pour my heart out to you and you bloody ridicule it?" he murmured as he broke the kiss and moved his head so that he could meet her gaze.
"No," she said with a small smile, kissing him on the lips before she added: "Not 'ridicule', just prompt."
He raised his eyebrows and she smirked, moving her hips up against his and he clenched his jaws together.
"As in 'prompt' you to lose yourself in me again," she mumbled and he returned her smirk as he entered her, filled her and made her moan.
Putting his forehead to hers he closed his eyes.
"You don't have to prompt anything for me to do that," he whispered, his hands letting her wrists go and hers moving to glide over his back and into his hair. "All I have to do... is look at you."
She smiled at that, tilting her head back as the pleasure kept building. It was heavier than ever before, shattering her cells as it spread, and still making her feel that freedom she had craved mere hours earlier. Granting her those wings, having her soar.
He felt it too. She was sure of it. She made him feel it too.
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I swear; it never seizes to amaze me what a load of reviews I keep getting! Every chapter is a new chapter, after all. Thanks a lot! It's so wonderful!
Very special thanks to skybound, LizDarcy, vuks (thanks again for the nomination, girl. That's really something!), qattaca, msu, VampiresKiss, Captain, Reader, Shaelune, Rachel, Night, Von, joesarah97, Heather, charisma1525, Alyssa, anon, Andi, Renee', Princepessa (Glad you like and thanks for both reviews!), dolally, Pine, thechosen and Phyllis - THANK YOU! I wanted to make this the personal kinda thank yous but it's late, I'm sick and I have to go to bed. (*get with the poor, poor me*) ;) I LOVE reading your comments and you always make me smile, never doubt that, k? I'm sure you don't! :)
To the congrats on me getting a nomination with this story I can only say thank you all! It feels really great that you think I actually deserve it! I'm loving writing it and GOD I hope you liked this chapter! ;)
Vuks who nominated - a third shout out to you! It meant a lot and of course I'm not anything but happyhappy! Thank you so, so much!
Again, hope you enjoyed this.
A.M.L, Annie.