Disclaimer: Okay, guys, it is obvious that I do not own Dawson's Creek. If I did, do you really think the show would've became the joke it now officially is?? I think not...

Spoilers: It contains "spoilers" from the Pilot to the Season 4 finale. I've been told this part is kind of a tearjerker. Don't say I didn't warn you... :)

Summary: This is set in s5. I decided to let D/J be together in college. I'm doing what the TIIC never had the courage (or talent) to do. This part is from Joey's POV.

Author's Note: This is my way of trying to make sense of s3 and s4. Kinda of an AU from Coda on - nothing in s5 or s6 happened. I'm thinking I need to do a fic like this one to make sense of s5 and s6. *sigh* Title and lyrics are from a song by the group `Lifehouse.' This is dedicated to all my fellow D&Jers. Your friendship has made all of this worthwhile...


I can't be losing sleep over this, no, I can't
And now I cannot stop pacing
Give me a few hours I'll have this all sorted out
If my mind would just stop racing

Cause I cannot stand still
I can't be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening

I sit staring out the window, darkness all around me. I play with my necklace out of habit and ponder the events of the past few years. So many life altering moments. They come in all shapes and sizes. Whether it was a kiss, the death of a loved one, going off to college, or meeting the person I'm destined to love forever, my moments have come when I least expected them.

I think I've had more life altering moments than most people. Some have been deplorable such as my mother dying and my father being sent to jail for trafficking drugs… twice. But most of these moments have been good, wonderful, amazing. Meeting Dawson when I was six, Dawson kissing me as I was about to climb out his window, getting accepted into Worthington, Dawson giving me the money to go to Worthington, Dawson giving me my necklace… the list goes on and on.

Some would say that perhaps I'm not taking the words "life-altering" seriously enough. But I'd say that you haven't lived my life. You don't know my constant struggles. Stand in my shoes and maybe, just maybe, you'd understand…

How do you deal with being confronted with a love so deep it scares you… when you're fifteen? How do you find yourself when everything you love is wrapped up in one person? How do you love someone else when the love of your life is standing in the background, waiting patiently? How do you deal with someone loving you so selflessly and completely that they put your every hope and every need above theirs?

I've struggled with these questions every minute of every hour of every day. At first, I felt burdened, suffocated by this love. I just wanted to find out if I could be a whole person… alone. I tried hiding from him. I tried pushing him away. But time and time again, I found myself back in the same place, his arms. Though it's hard for me to admit, his arms are the only place I've ever felt truly safe, truly home.

I spent so much energy trying to get out of his shadow that somehow I lost him along the way. Okay, I didn't lose him. I pushed him away. He put me and my life above his need to be with me. He found out my dad was dealing drugs again and didn't want to hurt me so he kept quiet.

He asked me if I would always love him and at the time, I didn't understand how he could ask such a thing. Not love him? How could I not? Naively, I told him that this didn't matter. That we get the happy ending. Looking back, I realize that I will always love him and that this is what matters. Our lives could end tomorrow and our "happy ending" would never come. Every day, I try to show him in countless ways how much I love him.

He kept quiet about my father until the night we all almost died… from a fire set by a drug dealer wanting to get rid of my father. Dawson risked our relationship to keep me safe. He knew I would hate him for making me turn in my own father. But he pushed me into doing the right thing… as always. I betrayed my father and hated myself for it. Deep down, I knew that I was doing the right thing but that didn't make it any easier.

In my anger, I lashed out at Dawson. I told him I didn't want to know him anymore. Once again, my father was abandoning me and I was scared to death that Dawson would leave me, too. This has always been my biggest fear, not having Dawson in my life. So, I pushed him away with hateful words, certain that he was disgusted by me, my family, my weaknesses.

I cringe when I think of how much I must have hurt him. He only did it because he cares about me so much more than he cares about himself. And how did I repay him? I broke his heart. Again. I am so grateful that he still loves me. I'm so lucky.

He was gone for the summer and I missed him so much, I ached. And as always, he came back. But instead of chasing after me as he always did, he chased any blonde bimbo in a short skirt. I was appalled, angry…. but most of all, I was jealous beyond belief. I couldn't believe that he wasn't sitting in his room, waiting for me.

And what did I do? Brilliant girl that I am? I decided that would get him back with the one thing that no male would be able to resist - sex. I underestimated him, though. It wasn't the first time and definitely not the last. He knew that us having sex that day would ruin everything.

To my own chagrin, I was so humiliated that I kept my distance from him. I later found out that he put his best male friend in charge of looking after me. He wanted to make sure that I was safe, that I was okay. He loves me that much. I'm not afraid of that now.

The thought that he would rather chase after other girls became too much of me. I began looking elsewhere for comfort, for love. Unfortunately, I found it in the one place that would change all of our lives forever – his best friend. I knew that it was wrong at the time but I thought that Pacey was all I had. I felt like he kept me sane when I thought Dawson had abandoned me. He had become the new Dawson in my life.

The day that Dawson found out about us was one of the worst days of my life. Seeing that betrayed look on his face shattered my heart into a million different pieces. For the very first time in my life, I couldn't see his love for me in his eyes. I had finally succeeded in driving him away forever. Or so I thought at the time…

He looked at me with such contempt, such… loathing. It almost killed me to see him looking at me like that. It scared me but in all honesty, it didn't surprise me. I knew that he had always put me up on a pedestal. He didn't think I was capable of hurting him that much. I always seem to hurt those I love the most… especially him…

We fought that day. He gave me an ultimatum… told me I had to choose. How could I do that? How could I choose between the two of them? In the end, I did. I had no choice. I chose him, my soulmate. I chose the one person that I knew that could never live without.

Ironically, I did end up living without him… for three whole months. He set me free, free to sail away with Pacey. Free for Pacey to be that summer's Paris. He loved me too much to keep me chained to him with memories of what we once had. He wanted me to love him… but not because he left me with no other choice.

Coming back to Capeside after the summer with Pacey, I realized I missed him more that I would ever admit. I had found a new love but that didn't change my feelings for him. I still loved him… I just wasn't ready for his love.

Seeing him for the first time in months was surreal. He looked so good. Better than I ever thought he could. For the first time, I saw him as the world must see him, a man. For so long I had seen him as "little Dawson," the boy down the creek who would always love me unconditionally. I saw so much pain in his eyes that day… and I couldn't stand that I had caused it.

I gave him a present that night when he drove me home. He accepted it graciously then proceeded to tell me that he wasn't sure he wanted us to be friends. I was shocked. How could he give up seventeen years of friendship? But when I saw the pain in his eyes, I knew that I had no right to question him. I had hurt him so much that I wondered at that moment if he would ever even let me back into his life.

I was lost. I didn't know what to do. I had literally lost my best friend and I had no one to blame but myself. I hadn't ever really believed that he would ever not want me in his life. It was unfathomable. Without Dawson, who was I? If I couldn't have Dawson, I would have to cling to the one thing I had left… Pacey.

And cling I did. Pacey was so insecure throughout our relationship that I even did the unthinkable. I trivialized my relationship with Dawson. I said everything and anything that I could think of to make Pacey feel like he wasn't second best. I really don't regret my time with Pacey, just that I minimized my feelings for Dawson to make him happy.

But I did it all to hold onto the only person I left like still cared about me. Sure, Bessie, Bodie and Alex all cared about me but they had their own lives to live. Looking back, I should've depended on them more but I had felt like I'd been a constant burden to them since the day Bessie had become my surrogate mother.

As that year went on, I began to see in little ways how much Dawson had matured. He eventually accepted my relationship with Pacey… much more than I had ever expected him to. I could see that he truly just wanted me to be happy. But then he started dating Gretchen, Pacey's sister. This killed me (and Pacey too, I'm sure) but neither of us had the right to say anything. Pacey tried to gently steer him away from her and vice versa but it didn't work.

Once again, I was losing Dawson to another girl. The difference was Gretchen was a good person and good for him. He looked so happy with her, happier than I had seen him in years. I hadn't seen him that happy since… well, since we were together. Pacey and Gretchen seemed to eventually work through the weirdness of the situation… so I had no choice but to deal with it.

It is my instinct to be jealous whenever any female comes within a hundred-mile radius of Dawson. But this time it was different… this time I had no right to feel jealous. He was no longer my boyfriend. He was just my best friend and I had a boyfriend of my own. Although I had no right to be jealous, I was. I questioned Gretchen's motives, I questioned his motives… and none too nicely, I might add.

But they genuinely seemed happy with each other so I stepped back. I still felt a stab of jealously every time I saw them together. They always seeming to be kissing… which bothered me to no end. I chalked up my jealousy to the constant problems Pacey and I were always having. With Dawson, everything came so naturally. It was complicated in its own way of course, but he was always so easy to love. With Pacey, nothing was ever easy.

Day after day, I felt Dawson slipping farther and farther away from me. I knew very little about his life. Sure, we had a few what I like to call "transcendent moments." Sitting on the dock early one morning, talking about the future and the fact that he was getting a new little brother or sister. Standing on the pier as he told me he decided he was the right person to write my peer recommendation.

And our phone call when Mr. Brooks was dying and I was on the Ski Trip with Pacey. Pacey had been pressuring me to sleep with him, pushing my 'Dawson button' every chance he got. Then, there was Dawson basically letting go of me over the phone. My heart dropped into my stomach.

I know that it sounds stupid that I was upset, especially since I had chosen my own path. But it hurt that I was so far removed from Dawson's life. With Dawson gone, whom else did I have? Just my boyfriend. So, I gave him the one thing he wanted the most… sex. As I look back on that decision, I can't say I really regret it. Well, the part of me that always believed that Dawson and I would experience our first time together regrets it. But the other part of me knows that there is nothing I can do to change the past.

After returning from the ski trip, I ran into Dawson. And we had another one of our "transcendent moments." I felt horrible for not being there for him when his mentor was dying. I knew Gretchen had been there but that thought ate me alive with jealousy. He was my best friend. I should've been the shoulder he cried on, not her. I felt like I had let him down. He assured me that I hadn't and that I would always have a piece of his heart. His words touched me and at that moment, I felt like everything was right between us again.

Before we parted ways that night, he asked me if I had slept with Pacey on the ski trip. I was stunned. I didn't know what to say. I knew somehow that, deep down, he was still waiting for me. He did still love me. I could see it. That thought brought such a joy into my heart… yet it hurt me so much. I knew that at that stage in our lives, I couldn't give him the love he wanted or deserved.

I also didn't want ruin the perfect evening we had had… and as I look back on it now, I also didn't want to give him any excuse to sleep with Gretchen. So I lied. To this day, that lie remains my biggest regret.

I got accepted into Worthington but then I found out that I would have to pay $15,000 to fulfill this dream. It was money I didn't have. I was devastated. Being the selfless and generous person he is, Dawson offered me Mr. Brooks' money. I couldn't take it… not knowing that I had lied to him.

I knew I had to tell him the truth. And I did. But not because I wanted the money. I told him the truth because I wanted things right between us again. I wanted the old Dawson & Joey back. And I knew things could never go back to the way things were if I continued to lie. Because I have always saved the truth for him…

Everything was falling into place… his little sister was born and I was there. I felt so blessed to be there to witness Dawson holding her for the first time. At that moment, I saw my future flash before my eyes and for the first time, I wasn't afraid of our connection, our bond.

Pacey and I broke up on the same night as Gretchen broke up with Dawson. Why is it that Dawson and I are connected even on one of the most horrible nights of our lives? We helped each other through the pain that followed losing our significant others. We were there for each other, as always...

Things finally seemed to be making sense. We graduated and for the first time in over a year, things felt truly right. Until the day that he got the news. The news that summer film school was waiting for him – in California. Just when things were right between us again, he was leaving me. I knew he had to go… but that didn't mean I wanted him to.

I ended up telling him that I wanted him to stay. He was shocked and asked me why I didn't tell him this sooner. I told him that I refused to sit and suffer in silence while my best friend moved 3,000 miles away. He explained to me that he needed to get out of Capeside and that I needed to find out who I was, without him. I think what he meant is that he needed to find out who he was without us because I already knew who I was. I had spent the past two years finding myself.

He had let me go so many times for my own good… how could I have asked him to stay? It was killing me to let go of the one person who had been there for me through everything. Without him next to me, I knew I would feel incomplete, like part of me was missing. I had made it through a year without him but I didn't know if I could do it again. How would I face each day with the knowledge that he was so far away from me?

I understood his need to find himself without the burden of being half of the "Will they? Won't they?" couple of the century. But knowing all of this didn't make saying good-bye to him any easier. We had sent the last month regaining our friendship and I was not willing to let it go so easily. Though I wanted him to stay, I knew he needed to go. So, I did the only thing I could do: I hugged him and said good-bye. I could feel him clinging desperately to me.

I knew he didn't want to leave any more than I wanted him to leave. But we both knew it was time to get the hell out of Capeside. It was a tense moment so I tried to lighten the mood by asking him what his all-time most life altering moment was. He looked me straight in the eyes and answered that it might just be saying good-bye to me. I was shocked at the subtext of what he was saying.

Time seemed to stand still as some unknown force drew us closer and closer together. When our lips met, I was in heaven. It was even better than I had remembered. At that moment, I fell in love with him for the third time in my life. Some people say "Third time's a charm." I think they're right.

How had he let me sail off with his best friend? At that moment, I knew how much he must've loved me… and hopefully still did. He left the next day for California and I didn't see him for 2 whole months. Sure, we talked on the phone at least once a day and we wrote e-mails like crazy but it just wasn't the same. I missed him so much.

Family problems brought him back to the East Coast at the beginning of August. He surprised me, saying he had applied to Worthington without my knowledge. "After all, Worthington has a great film program," he laughed, tugging on my hair playfully. I just smiled.

*********************

I look over at him. His face is turned toward me but he appears to be asleep. It's hard to tell though, because his face is covered in shadows. I resist the urge to wake him up. I need the comfort his arms give but I refuse to rob him of his sleep.

There was a time that he hardly ever slept. He would stay awake and just watch me sleep. I would often wake up to find him holding me, watching me. I would ask him what was wrong and he would just shake his head and urge me back to sleep. At first, I'd fall immediately back to sleep. But after a while, I began to stay awake with him and wonder why he never seemed to sleep.

When I woke in the morning, he was always asleep but I knew that he never slept much. He always looked so tired even though he maintained a cheerful outward appearance. Soon, I was pulling him into bed for a nap every afternoon. Out of exhaustion, he always slept during those naps. But every single time, he'd jolt awake and look around frantically for me. Upon seeing me, he would relax and eventually fall back asleep.

For a while, I tried everything to get him to sleep. I tried getting him to drink a little alcohol before going to bed. I tried telling him that I loved him over and over again. I tried to wear him out with sex, which was fun but was only a quick fix. I'm embarrassed to say it but I even tried singing him to sleep. Nothing worked.

Finally one Friday, I pulled him into my room after lunch. He looked so tired from a full week of classes. I was determined to help him sleep. I had him lie down and I threw a blanket over him. I asked him if he wanted me to give him some peace and quiet so he could sleep. He just shook his head and looked at me with those soulful eyes of his.

"But, honey, my bed is so small," I reminded him as I clicked the ringer off on my phone. I turned around for an answer and saw that he had just pulled the blanket back, indicating that I should join him. I smiled and kicked off my shoes. How could I resist that face?

Snuggling close to him, I felt him wrap him arms around me and kiss my temple. I soon found myself growing drowsy. I had lain awake at night trying to help him sleep and the lack of sleep was catching up to me. Plus, I just felt so safe in his arms…

I looked up at him and saw that he was still awake. I could see that he was exhausted yet he didn't sleep. Frustrated, I turned over on my stomach and turned his face toward mine. "Honey, please try and sleep," I pleaded. He didn't respond and continued to look at me with those soulful eyes. Seeing him like this, brought tears to my eyes. I searched his eyes for some kind of answer.

As we looked into each other's eyes, I felt that connection that always exists between us. I could feel his fear… but of what? Suddenly, everything became crystal clear. It was as if I was reading his mind, his heart. But before I could say anything he spoke up. "Will you be here when I wake up?" he asked softly, gripping my upper arm tightly.

"Of course, I will," I responded, brushing his hair back from his forehead.

"Promise?" he pleaded, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear.

"Promise," I swore to him. I could see him relaxing in a way I hadn't seen in a long time. His eyes closed and for the first time in months, he fell asleep before me. I watched him sleep for a change and finally I lay down next to him. Everything now made sense.

I realized that it had started when Pacey had tried to kiss me. I knew it wasn't that he thought I was going to leave him and run off with Pacey. Pacey wasn't really the issue. I knew that it was more about some unknown force pulling me away from him. It had been so painful to be without each other that the idea of Fate being cruel to us again, sent him into fits of terror. Now that he knows that I won't willingly leave him, he's content.

I can now look back and see the roads we've traveled these past 4 years. At times, our roads diverged but now they've crossed again. Looking at things in perspective, I think we needed that time apart to appreciate each other, to need each other again.

We see Pacey daily. Seeing him really doesn't bother me at all. I just see him as an old boyfriend, as someone who taught me some things along the way. Unfortunately, Pacey doesn't see things this way. He still thinks of my relationship with Dawson as a fling, something that will be over soon. I've told him otherwise a million times but he only hears what he wants to hear.

I know Dawson trusts me where Pacey is concerned. I know he is sure of our love. What he is afraid of is something tearing us apart again. I've tried over and over again to explain to him that my every happiness is wrapped up in him and we can deal with anything, together. Maybe I'm just not saying it the right way. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough.

I catch Pacey looking at me longingly from time to time. I know Dawson sees it too. Dawson doesn't worry about losing me to Pacey. He's told me that he worries that I may find somebody more "exciting" and "dangerous" and ditch him. I want to laugh at this suggestion. Instead, I smile and hold him close. I tell him that my "bad boy" days are over and that he is my world, my rock.

All these thoughts drift through my head and I smile. Then I realize what I am doing. I'm thinking about Dawson and our love so I don't have to deal with other things. I've had to deal with this problem before but that doesn't make it any easier. I still feel so… lost. Dawson is literally 5 feet away but there is nothing he can do. Except maybe hold me, kiss me and tell me everything is going to be okay. Maybe I should wake him…

Am I being selfish? Should I even be wanting him to wake up and kiss away my pain? I can't even count all the times I have run to him, wanting him to make everything better. This time, he can't make things "better." I hate feeling powerless and I know he will too.

I have to stop thinking about it or I'll go crazy. Tomorrow. What do I need to do tomorrow? I have to finish my Art project. I need to call Bessie. Dawson and I have dinner plans. I need to –

Something touches my hair and I jump. Without turning around, I know it's him. I can feel it. That connection that we have seems to grow every day. He asks what I'm thinking about. How do I put what I'm thinking and feeling into words?

"How about a cuddle for my thoughts?" I ask, desperate for the comfort his arms bring. He smiles and I know I have won him over. I crawl into his lap after he has replaced me in the chair. His touch relaxes me and for the moment, I think there's nothing we can't handle together.

Once he has me secure in his arms, he asks me again what has me awake. I hesitate. How do I tell him? How will he react? I bury my face in his neck, inhaling his scent. It calms me. "Dawson…" I start to say but I stop, not knowing how to tell him.

I feel his hands stroking me gently, comforting me. Can I do this? Can I change everything forever? His hand drifts to my stomach and I lose all my nerve again. He doesn't deserve this. I start to cry.

I can hear him calling my name. His voice seems miles away. He is waiting for me to speak. He is worried about me. He is scared, I can tell. I have to tell him. I need to tell him. I need him.

"There's something I have to tell you, Dawson…."

TO BE CONTINUED…