Disclaimer/Spoilers/Rating/Summary: See Part 1.
Author's Note: This is my way of trying to make sense of s3 and s4. Kinda of an AU from Coda on - nothing in s5 or s6 happened. I'm thinking I need to do a fic like this one to make sense of s5 and s6. *sigh* Title and lyrics are from a song by the group `Lifehouse.'
Cause I'm waiting for tonight
Then waiting for tomorrow
And I'm somewhere in between
What is real and just a dream?
Silence surrounds us, encompasses us. I have told him. He knows. Yet, he doesn't speak. Is he angry? Upset? Or stunned?
His arms are still wrapped around my waist and his head rests against mine. I guess I had expected him to freak out or something. But he didn't. He just sits here, staring out the window.
I've dealt with this before but I'm no better prepared than I was last time. I'm still scared of what this will do to my future, Dawson's future… our future. I don't need to take a stupid test to tell me the truth. I can feel the truth.
It hasn't been confirmed but I know. Yet, there is still some tiny part of me that hopes that merely having Dawson around will change everything. A ridiculous thought but I hope that somehow, he can take away all my anger, pain and… terror at what was happening.
How could I have let this happen? I'm a smart girl. I know better than this. I'm scared that my mistake, our mistake, is going to tear us apart. He sighs and shifts beneath me. I feel a kiss as light as a feather against my forehead. I want to look at him but I'm so afraid of what I'll see in his eyes.
"Dawson?" I say softly.
"Hmmm?"
"Say something," I whisper.
"Something," I hear him reply.
"Ha, ha," I retort but find a smile tugging at the corner of my mouth. How can he make me smile even at a time like this? I sigh and realize that I want to stay like this forever. In Dawson's arms in the only place I truly feel safe…
"Let's go to bed," I hear him suggest suddenly. The normalcy of this statement shocks me out of my reverie. I just dumped that into his lap and all he wants to do is go to sleep?
"What??" I exclaim, sitting up and turning to face him for the first time since I told him.
"Let's go to bed," he repeats calmly, brushing a stray hair out of my eyes. I stare at him, my eyes searching his for some kind of answer. I fleetingly wonder what alternate universe I've dropped into. One does not hear something this life altering and then suggest going to sleep. I continue to stare at him in disbelief.
He stands up and pulls me up with him. He grabs my hand and tugs me toward the bed. I look at it then at him, mesmerized by how loving and… normal he is acting. Wait! How can I go to sleep without knowing what he thinks, what he feels? How can I go to bed not knowing if he's going to be with me next week, next month, next year?
He turns around suddenly and I bump straight into his chest. "But, Dawson…" He smiles down at me and I look at him, really look at him for the first time since he woke up. Suddenly, all of my questions are answered. I feel his hands on my cheeks and I realize that I am crying.
I kiss the palm of his left hand then nod at the bed. He smiles at me and I climb into bed. He follows and wraps his arms around me, pulling me back against his strong body. I close my eyes and relax for the first time in days. I feel his breath on my neck and just before I drift off to sleep I hear him whisper "I love you…"
*****************************
The screeching of my alarm clock wakes me the next morning. I reach over and smack it, silencing it. I stretch slowly, loving the comfort of my bed, not wanting to get up. I turn over slowly for my morning kiss but am greeted by an empty bed. I rub my eyes and try to make my brain work long enough for me to figure out why I'm alone.
Class. He has an 8am class. The clock reads 9:02am. He re-set the alarm for me because he knows I have an 10am class. Isn't he wonderful? However, what I failed to mention to him was that my class was cancelled and instead, I have a doctor's appointment.
His smell surrounds me and instantly, I wish he were still here with me. I must have moved over to his side of the bed when he got up. I sit up and it's then that I notice something on my pillow. A handful of daisies. I smile and pick them up. A note rests against my pillow.
Jo,
I love you… forever.
Dawson
Grinning, I placed the daisies in a vase that stands next to my clock. I took the other flowers out yesterday and apparently Dawson had decided to replace them immediately. Dawson used to bring me roses but I had told him that buying me all these flowers was too expensive. I went on to tease him that I missed the day when he used to pick the flowers he gave to me.
I lay the note next to the flowers and continue to admire the flowers. My alarm goes off again and suddenly, everything comes rushing back to me. I sigh. I can do this. I can go to my appointment by myself. I know what the doctor's going to say anyway. I slowly get out of bed and head toward my closet. A wave of nausea hits me and I have to sit down at my desk. The feeling doesn't pass and I look around for the trash can. It's across the room, next to the bed. That's right. I didn't even make it out of my bed yesterday before I puked my guts out.
I sit with my eyes closed for a couple of minutes and the feeling gradually passes. For now. I grab my towel and robe and walk slowly into the bathroom. The warm water heats up the bathroom and I quickly take my shower. I pull my clothes on slowly, trying to put off the inevitable.
I am blow drying my hair when I feel a pair of arms wrap around my waist. I jump and almost drop the blow dryer. "Dawson!" I gasp, turning off the hot air.
"Hey!" he says, smiling that sexy smile of his. If I was feeling better, I would push him back onto the bed and… well….
"Hey…" I respond and kiss him quickly. He pulls me closer and deepens the kiss. I love kissing him. I break the kiss, knowing that if it goes on any longer, things might go farther than either of us has time for.
"Mmmmm…. toothpaste," he grins. I grin back at him and give him one more quick kiss.
"Thought you had class," I say, while combing out my hair.
"It got cancelled so I thought I'd come back here… walk you to class or something," he says slyly, plopping down in my desk chair. It was that "something" that often made us miss our classes altogether.
"I don't have class. It got cancelled, too," I reply, honestly. I glance at the clock. 9:35am. I need to leave soon.
"Shit, then why are you up? I'd be enjoying the freebie," he said, laughing. When I didn't respond, he sat up and looked at me suspiciously. "Jo?"
I sit on the bed and began putting on my shoes. I take a deep breath. "I have a doctor's appointment." I don't look at him and tie my shoes with complete concentration.
"Why didn't you tell me?" he asks, hurt evident in his voice.
I finally look up at him and see how upset he is. I realize that all of this is hard for him, too. I go over to him and climb into his lap. I hug him and apologize profusely. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you, honey. We really didn't talk about it last night plus you had class so…" I trail off, still hugging him tightly. "I'm sorry."
"Of course I want to go. Do you think I don't care, that I want you to do this on your own?" he asked, returning my hug and stroking my hair.
"I didn't know what to think, Dawson," I reply, releasing him, kissing him lightly before sliding out of his lap. I tug on my coat and shrug. "I was just scared, I guess."
"Well, don't be," he says, standing up and walking over to me. He grabs my hands and brushes a strand of hair out of my face. "We can face anything… together."
I smile, fighting back my tears. He is too good to me. I don't deserve him. I lead him out of the room and lock the door behind us. It's time to find out if our lives are about to be changed forever…
***********************************
About an hour and a half later, we return to my room, both of us lost in our own world. What I had known days ago was confirmed so I think it's safe to say that I'm not really in as much shock as Dawson is.
A million thoughts race through my head. Should I set him free so I won't be a burden to him? Should I wrap my arms around him and beg him to never leave me? Should I start planning our future? Should I keep it? Is Dawson angry now that he knows for sure? Is he as scared as I am? Will he end up resenting me? I have to fight my urge to push him away out of fear that he'll leave me. I am so scared.
Mechanically, I pull off my coat and kick off my shoes. He does the same then plops down on my bed. I can feel him watching me, waiting for me to say something. What does he want me say? What should I say?
A wave of nausea washes over me. I grip the edge of the dresser, willing the feeling to pass. Regaining my equilibrium, I decide I need something to drink, something to calm my stomach. I pull a 7-Up out of my mini-frig, so glad that I bought some yesterday. I had hoped I had the flu.
I take a small drink and sigh with relief as it somehow makes me feel better. I look over at Dawson and see him watching me with amusement. I stick my tongue out at him and he laughs. The tension is broken. I join him on the bed and lean into his arms. He kisses my temple and breaks the silence. "You wanna talk about it?"
I close my eyes and think about it. Do I want to talk about it? "Can't we just pretend for a few more hours that everything is normal?" I plead into his chest. I can tell from his body language that he doesn't think this is a good idea. He starts to protest but when he sees my face, he relents.
"All right. What do you have in mind?" he questions, stroking my upper arm.
"How about our pizza and a movie?"
"You wanna go out?" he asks, surprised.
"No, let's stay here. Just the two of us," I suggest. He nods and untangles himself from my embrace to order the pizza. I sort through the pile of his movies that have somehow accumulated in my room. I find 'Say Anything' and pop it into the VCR. I need the predictability of a movie I've seen a million times. The movie starts and I turn around to find him sitting behind me, leaning against the bed.
He reaches out for me and pulls me against him, wrapping his arms around me. I lean back against him and enjoy the feeling of… rightness. This is where I belong, with him. I decide at that moment to do whatever it takes to keep us together. I will not lose him again. I watch the movie, trying to lose myself in the plot. But the security of Dawson's arms is what calms me, soothes me.
It has been a mildly warm day but the night has become cold. I find myself shivering and huddling against Dawson for warmth. Finding my cold hands a little too uncomfortable on his warm skin, he grabs a blanket off the bed. I allow him to wrap it around us. Our combined body heat quickly cocoons us and my shivering stops. My eyes feel heavy and I feel myself drifting off…
I wake up about an hour later when I hear a knock on my door. He sees that I am wake and gently pushes me forward so he can answer the door. I lean back against the bed and watch him sleepily. He pays the pizza guy, closes the door and sits down on the floor next to me. He reaches into my tiny refrigerator and pulls out a cold soda.
I watch him open the box of pizza and instantly, the smell surrounds me. For the first time all day, I am hungry. I sit up slowly and take the piece of cheese pizza he holds in front of me. I thank him with a smile and we continue to watch the movie as we eat. I love how we can communicate without saying a word.
I finish my piece of pizza and finish my now lukewarm 7-Up. I silently beg my stomach to accept the pizza. Feeling suddenly tired again, I crawl with the blanket onto the bed and lay down. Unbuttoning my jeans, I kick them off and pull on my pajama bottoms. Much better. I try to stay awake but I'm so tired…
This time when I wake up, the lights are off and Dawson is lying behind me. The TV is still on but the movie has stopped. I can see the weatherman giving tomorrow's forecast. Dawson's arms are around me and his hands rest on my stomach. I sigh at the irony.
I turn around in his arms and watch him sleep for a few minutes. I study his face and wonder how I got so lucky. I wonder why he still loves me, why he didn't give up on me years ago. And now that things are finally perfect, this had to go and happen. Why?
I trace his face with my fingers, memorizing each line and curve of his face. It's the face of the man I've loved as long as I can remember. We've been through so much that I don't know what I would do if I lost him now. Reaching his lips, I place a soft kiss on them. He sighs and his eyes flutter open. "Hey," he whispers hoarsely, still half asleep.
"Hey," I respond, kissing him again.
"Hmmmm…." he hums as I deepen our kiss. The kiss continues until we are both breathless. "What a way to wake up!" he chuckles and kisses my neck.
"Dawson!" I laugh. He continues to suckle at my skin until I pull him away. Though I love the feeling of his lips on me, a hickey on my neck isn't something I really want. Now, if it were lower, that would be another story…
We hold each other, his hands stroking my hair and mine wandering up and down his back. "Ready to talk?" he asks. I nod but remain silent, unsure of where to start. "First things first," he asks. "How did this happen, anyway? We were always so careful."
"No, we weren't! Remember Jack and Jen's Valentine's Day party?"
"That's right," he groans. "We were so wild that night! What were we thinking?"
"I don't think it was our brains that were doing the thinking," I snicker.
He chuckles and kisses me. "That's for sure!"
"What are we going to do, Dawson?" I ask, tightening my arms around him.
"I don't know," he answers truthfully. We are both silent.
I break the silence. "What do you want?"
"I want whatever you want," he simply says.
"Dawson…" I sigh. "Stop being the sensitive male and be honest with me."
"Honestly, this whole thing scares the crap out of me," he admits. "I can't imagine getting rid of something that is part of us but..."
"But?" I prompt him.
"But I also can't fathom being a father at 19," he finishes softly.
"So, that leaves adoption," I whisper. "Isn't that what we're left with?"
"I didn't say that adoption is what I wanted either," he protests. "Could you really do that? Give up our child?"
"No…" I breathe. "I don't think I could."
"So, now what?"
I shake my head, unable to come up with an answer. I bury myself further into his arms, wanting to get away from the fact that ultimately, this decision is mine. It's my body and no matter what, I have the final say. That kind of responsibility terrifies me.
"Forget about what you "should" do, what's most practical. What's your heart telling you to do? What does your heart want?" he probes.
A tear slips down my cheek when, for the first time, I let my emotions take over. "This is our child, Dawson. Created from our love. How could I get rid of it or give it away?" I ask.
He pulls back from our embrace and lifts up my chin. "Well, I think we just got our answer," he smiles, kissing me gently on the mouth. I return his smile, hug him tightly and wonder if we've made the right choice…
*******************************
The next few days fly by. Things are better now that Dawson and I talked about the future. I don't feel insecure anymore. I am no longer wracked with terror that he will leave me. I trust that our love with get us through this.
We spend the weekend studying and hanging out with Mac and Harrison. On Friday, the four of us go to a movie and I find that I am able to forget about our situation for a few hours. Being around Harrison brings out Dawson's goofy side and their antics have both Mac and I laughing all night.
Saturday found us at the beach, having a picnic. It was an unusually warm spring day and being near the calming ocean is exactly what I needed. We walked along the water's edge, holding hands and kicking at the waves. Dawson was kissing me when a wave crashed into the side of our legs. I squealed and he picked me up, pretending that he was going to throw me into the water. I begged him not to between my giggles. I called out to Mac for help but when she tried to help me, Harrison picked her up and threatened to throw her in as well.
After this, Dawson and Harrison walked further down the beach to play a game of Frisbee. Mac and I lay side by side on our towels and talked. Without thinking about it, I told Mac the news. She was shocked, of course but reassured me that if I needed anything, she was here. I thanked her with tears in my eyes. She is a great friend.
We spent Saturday night, together, just the two of us. We reinstated Movie Night for the fun of it and enjoyed regressing for a while. Though we did enjoy just being together, we realized that things have changed so much since our movie nights of the past. I realized exactly how much things have changed when Dawson kissed me. Things heated up quickly and as Dawson pulled my shirt over my head, it flashed though my mind that we never used to do this on movie night!
I mimicked his actions and undressed him quickly. His fingers danced over my body and took my breath away. He kissed my neck, my shoulder, my breasts. He moved to my stomach and touched it with such reverence that tears ran down my face. I pulled his mouth back up to mine and kissed him again and again. We were still kissing when he entered me.
Making love to Dawson has always been wonderful, magical, mind-blowing. But this time, it was even better, almost spiritual. I have always said that Dawson is my soulmate but now I truly believed it with ever fiber of my being. Tears slipped down my cheeks as we moved together and we didn't stop kissing until after we had collapsed in each other's arms, spent. We woke up each other frequently that night, each time better than the last.
Sunday was spent in Capeside with Mitch, Gale and Danni. The five of us spent a lot of time outside. Dawson and I played with his sister while Gale and Mitch sat nearby and watched us. I smiled as Danni grabbed my shirt and attempted to pull herself up. Dawson sat down next to me and tickled his sister. She giggled and hid in my arms. Dawson kissed my cheek and as I looked into his eyes, I knew. With Dawson is where I belong. Dawson is my home.
*********************************
On Monday morning, I wake up from a deep sleep. The day before with Dawson's family had worn me out. Instantly, I know something is wrong. I rush into the bathroom and I am terrified at what I see. Blood. Oh, God. What am I supposed to do? I have class in about an hour and a half. I call Dr. Matthews' office and they say I can come in right away. I then call my professor and tell her that I'm sick. I have never missed one of her classes so she excuses me from class without any questions.
I shower quickly and dress even more quickly. I grab my purse and call a cab. I then dial Dawson's cell phone number as I rush down the stairs. I tell him tearfully what is going on. He can hear the fear in my voice and he calms me down quickly. He says he will meet me at the doctor's office. I tell him to hurry and that I love him before hanging up.
I am so scared but no longer just for myself…
*******************************
I sit in one of the examination rooms in Dr. Matthews' office. She is telling me that everything is fine, that I'm fine. She says that the bleeding is a little concerning but that I need to just take it easy for a while. She tells me that I am to do nothing too strenuous, only very moderate exercise. She looks at me pointedly, as if wondering if I understand what she is getting at. I blush, knowing exactly what she is talking about.
"So, no… sex," I say, still blushing furiously.
"Well, not for a few days, no. If there is no more bleeding, you can start slowly," she explained to me. "Don't push yourself."
I nod, praying that his conversation will be over soon. She instructs me to let her know if the bleeding starts again. I promise to do so. She also advises that if something happens during non-business hours that I should just go to the Emergency Room. I thank her and resist the urge to hug her. It's times like this that I really wish my mom were still around.
I find Dawson waiting for me in the waiting room, a worried look on his face. When he sees me in one piece, he looks relieved. I grab his hand and tug him out of the doctor's office quickly. Seeing all the pictures of babies is really starting to get to me.
I endure 20 questions as we drive home and I summarize what Dr. Matthews told me. He hones in on the sex issue and I laugh at his one-track mind. Sometimes, he can be such a guy. I remind him that it's only a few days and that this doesn't mean he can't do "other things." He perks up and find myself laving kissing all over the side of his face that I can reach. He is too cute. I suddenly hope the next few days fly by.
He seems relieved but I catch him glancing worriedly at me every so often over the next week. His over protectiveness starts to irk me but then I realize how very lucky I am that he cares about me so much.
Strangely enough, as the days go by, I sort of become used to the idea that I'm pregnant. I even find myself daydreaming about what he or she will look like. Will he/she have my dark hair or Dawson's blond hair? Will he/she have Dawson's dimples? Dawson still seems unsure and scared but hell, so am I. But we have each other and that makes all the difference.
***************************
A week has past since we first found out. Things are slowly starting to return to normal. Well, as normal as possible, considering… I stare out the window, admiring the beautiful campus. Everything is so green. Spring has finally arrived and I couldn't be happier. The warmer weather seems to naturally lift my mood. At times, I find myself wishing it was summer so Dawson and I could enjoy the freedom it brings.
Idly, I wonder if we're going to head back to Capeside for the summer or if we'll stay in Boston. With a start I realize that we need to start saving money and living at home would be the best way to do that. I have grown to love Boston and part of me wants to stay here but I know it's impractical. Anyway, as long as Dawson and I get to spend the summer together, I'll be happy. We haven't spent a summer together since our early teens.
I wonder if I'll be showing by the time summer rolls around. God, everything is changing… and I'm not sure if I'm ready for it. Where is Dawson anyway? Shouldn't his class be over by now? I sigh, studying the sidewalks below.
Suddenly, my cell phone rings and I answer it immediately. "Hey, gorgeous!" he says and I smile.
"Where are you?" I ask, sitting down on the bed.
"The library. I'm gonna be a while," he answers apologetically.
"Dawson…." I almost whine. It's been a long week and I'm ready for some alone time with him.
"I know, I know. I'm sorry, Jo. I should be done in about an hour. I'll shower and change and then come over. Okay?"
"Yeah, okay," I reply, grudgingly. "I'll call Jack and Jen and see what they want to do."
"Cool," he says and I hear Harrison calling his name in background. "I gotta go before Harrison has a heart attack." He laughs and I find myself smiling. "And Jo?"
"Yeah?"
"I love you." Such simple words yet my heart skips a beat.
"I know," I laugh.
"Hey!" he protests, trying to sound hurt.
Suddenly, I hear Harrison's voice crystal clear and I know that he has come over to personally pull Dawson away from the phone. "Let's go, Dawson. You'll see her in an hour. Bye, Joey!" I hear him try to yell into the phone. Dawson tells me good-bye through his laughter.
"I love you," I say before he hangs up.
"I know," he chuckles before hanging up. I smile and shake my head as I press "End" on my phone. I stretch and wonder what I should do until Dawson picks me up. My gaze falls on my textbooks. Nah. A pile of laundry sits in my closet and I notice that at least half of it is Dawson's clothes.
My eyes move to the pictures I have sitting on my dresser. I have one of Bessie, Bodie and Alex. Beside it is one of Dawson and I from our Junior Prom. I have it as a daily reminder of how much Dawson must've loved me to let me go and of what I almost lost by sailing off with Pacey. I will not make that mistake again.
The next picture is one from this past Christmas. We were unwrapping presents at Dawson's house. Danni had been tearing up the wrapping paper and sticking it in her mouth. Gale had told her "No, no…" and had to repeatedly pull the paper out of her mouth. Dawson and I watched this struggle with amusement until Danni began crying. I had called her name and held my arms out to her. She had immediately crawled over to where I stood in Dawson's arms, drinking hot chocolate.
Gale had then walked by and smiled at her daughter. "Little stinker," she said lovingly as she ruffled Danni's hair. I rocked Danni in my arms as I leaned back into Dawson's arms. Gale was sneaky enough to capture this moment on film. Danni's head rests on my shoulder and she is facing the camera. My head rests against the top of hers and Dawson is whispering something into my ear. Both of us are smiling. The Christmas tree twinkles behind us. I love this picture.
I move to the two remaining pictures. One is of Dawson and I underneath the mistletoe at Christmas. Our mouths had just parted and we're smiling. It was a wonderful moment. The second is of Jack, Jen, Dawson and I from when we had gone sightseeing about a month earlier. Jen had jumped on Jack's back and I had done the same to Dawson. In the picture, Jen's head rests on Jack's shoulder and both are smiling broadly. I am kissing Dawson's cheek and he is looking sideways at me, smiling.
So many wonderful memories. I wonder what kind of pictures I'll be adding to my collection in the near future. As a myriad of emotions wash over me, I wish again that Dawson was here instead of at the library. Maybe a hot shower will relax me…
************************
Jack and Jen pick us up around 6pm and we decide to go to our favorite hang-out, a karoke bar/restaurant. Both Jamie and Pacey work there, Jamie as a waiter and Pacey as a "chef." Jack and Jen have never heard Dawson and I's rendition of "Daydream Believer" so we finally relent and laugh our way through the song. I see Pacey watching from the kitchen at one point, a slight smile on his face. Has he finally started to accept our relationship?
It is hard watching everyone drink but I have to content myself with Diet Coke. Dawson declines to drink at first but I tell him that if he wants to drink, he should. He protests adamantly for a while but I finally order him a beer. To his credit, it is the only one he drinks the entire night. Jack and Jen fill us in on all the Capeside gossip and even tell us about the new girl Pacey is dating, the girl from the BBQ, Brandi.
Dawson pulls out his newest picture of Danni and proudly shows it to Jack and Jen. I have to admit that she is very cute, very blonde hair framing the world's most charming smile. Both agree that they need to visit Capeside soon. Dawson tells them of Danni's upcoming birthday and we all agree to go back together.
Jen entertains us with a story of almost getting caught with her new boyfriend, Charlie, by Grams. Seems Grams had been unable to sleep and was getting some warm milk when she heard some noises coming from her living room. Luckily, they heard Grams in time to duck under a blanket and pretend to be watching TV. I could just imagine how embarrassing it would be to get caught having sex by Grams, of all people.
Dawson then decides that he needs to tell our story of actually getting caught by my R.A., Andrea. It was in the early morning hours and we were returning from a party at Jamie's house. We were both drunk and things got quite heated in the stairwell. Jen gasps in surprise (I guess she still thinks of us both as prudes) and asks us how we could do this. I explain that we were quite drunk and that we didn't expect anyone to come by at 2 o'clock in the morning. Andrea was doing rounds and had um… interrupted us. I was so embarrassed but Dawson just laughed non-stop.
Jack slyly asks what happened next and I glare at him. Jen slaps his shoulder, laughing. Dawson just shakes his head and holds up his hands in defeat. Jack notices my red face and looks at me knowingly. I change the subject quickly. We have tons of fun catching up with Jack and Jen… and singing, of course. But as the night wears on, I begin to feel terrible. Feelings of dizziness and nausea wash over me. I want nothing more than to crawl into bed and sleep.
A group of girls sings "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" loudly and this grates on my every nerve. I want to walk over to the karaoke machine and punch it, kick it, anything to shut up it up. I lay my head on Dawson's shoulder, watching Jack and Jen sing a slightly off-key rendition of "I Will Survive."
I feel his warm lips brush my forehead and I clutch his hand. After Jen and Jack return to the table, Dawson makes an excuse about how he needs to study and I need to rest. Jen's eyes fall on me and sympathy radiates from her eyes. I can tell I look about as bad as I feel.
We leave with promises to get together soon. On the drive home, I find my mind a million miles away from the car, away from the love of my life. I am jolted out of my reverie when I feel a hand touch my cheek. "What's wrong?" he asks softly.
It's then that I notice my cheeks are wet with tears. What is wrong with me? Millions of women have been faced with my problem, many much younger than I am. Many have no support, no friends, no family. I have all these things plus the most wonderful man in the world. So why do I feel so sad, so angry?
I don't answer but slide out of the car and head up to my room. I feel him following me. I unlock my room and quickly change into my pajamas. I just want to go to bed and drift into oblivion for a few hours. I slip under the cover and feel him watching me. A few minutes later, he joins me. I try to force myself to fall asleep but instead, my mind is racing. Once again, I find myself wondering how I could have done this to my life, Dawson's life?
I try to hold back my tears but it's useless. They run down my face and wet my pillow. Suddenly, I find my hand nestled in his. This only makes me cry harder. He doesn't deserve this at all. "Jo?" he says tentatively. I just continue to cry. "Don't shut me out, Joey. Tell me what's wrong," he pleads, turning on his side to face me. I shake my head but feel everything bubbling just below the surface. I don't want this. I don't want to lose control. "Talk to me!" he demands in a loving tone.
I explode. "Everything is wrong, Dawson!" I sob and sit up, bent over with my head in my hands. "I hate this! I hate knowing that I screwed up everything! I hate not wanting something that's part of you and me! I don't want this baby! I don't! Why did this have to happen? Why?" I have lost control but I don't care. I am hitting my legs then my stomach as hard as I can but Dawson grabs my hands and stops me. The significance of what I was doing hits me hard.
I continue to sob but now I am just saying his name over and over again, begging him to help me. He lets go of my hands and pulls me into his arms. He lets me cry until I am worn out. Soon, shuddering breaths are all I can mange. I close my eyes, trying to block out what had just happened. I clutch at his shirt, trying to pull him closer. He rocks me and my eyes drift shut…
*********************************
I wake the next morning to sunlight streaming through my window. Its warmth feels good on my face. Everything that happened the night before comes back to me and I feel horrible. Why am I so selfish? Dawson has already left for class and I wish I had woken up sooner so I could hug him and tell him that I didn't mean any of what I said. I love him so much…
I glance at the clock and realize that I have enough time for a quick run and a shower before his return. I vow to be waiting for him when his class is over. I haven't been exercising much lately so maybe doing so will make me feel better. I pull on my running clothes and clip my Walkman on my shorts. I think of seeing Dawson soon and a smile lights up my face as I head out...
**********************************
I return about a half an hour later, panting but feeling good. Usually, I run longer but I decided to take it easy today, per doctor's orders. A sharp cramp in my stomach almost knocks me to my knees. It hurts so badly that I can barely breathe. I lower myself to the floor and wait for the feeling to pass. I notice my cell phone is lying nearby and I pick it up to call Dawson. A wave of dizziness hits me and it's then that I see the blood. Too much blood. My cell phone drops from my hand and darkness narrows my field of vision. I whisper Dawson's name as everything goes black…
TO BE CONTINUED…