*********************************TRApPeD*****************************
Forty-One: Intermission
By Annie
2003-06-20
***********************************************************************
Day Thirty-Six.
10.20 p.m.
Spike looked out over the glittering lights of a city which he had come to regard as something of a home. He had never belonged anywhere, but yes, how bittersweet it was to finally belong in the last place on Earth he actually should.
He had roamed the globe for a long time. He had seen it in bad days and good, in pure defeat and in glory, in hate and in love... He had been part of it all. He had been a spot of shame for so long; he didn't want to be cause of that feeling for her. Anything but shame. Anything but regret. He didn't want to instill that in someone who had, for the very first time, made him think of what he was.
He couldn't count the hours he had drifted off into musings of why he did what he did after she had said those things about "killing with a purpose". It WAS his nature, it WAS a part of him that he couldn't sidestep or get out of the way... But it was also that side to him - that violent side to him - that had been quietly pushed back.
Sure he wasn't exactly good at controlling it. He still felt the urge to kill. But she had made him focus all of it on something better than the mere taking of life. She had given him a purpose. Without her...
He closed his eyes and sat down on the grass covering the slope he was currently on. Then lay down on his back and opened his eyes again, looking up at the stretch of white dots high above his head.
To most, he supposed, the fact of him even existing would be as hard for their brains to process as the fact that those soft twinkles in the sky - seeming so reachable - were in fact a billion miles away, and that what they were gazing at in awe was something which had been sent through space ages upon ages ago.
He was dead.
Yet he walked.
Un-human.
He wondered what he was to her. What did she see when she looked at him? Why had she given herself to him? And how could she sleep in his arms and not care? DID she even care about what happened to him? Was this all some kind of a game to her? Or a test? Of what? His ability, his trustworthiness? Or was she simply using him - to get to Adam?
Or did something in her care?
Angel's voice kept ringing in his head.
"You're a fool if you think you're what she needs."
Angel had done the noble thing. Angel had walked away in recognition of the hopelessness of a relationship where they could barely touch each other in fear of taking it one step too far and rendering him soulless. Angel had loved her enough to let her go.
But I'm not noble, Spike thought, sitting up and pulling his legs up, resting his elbows casually against his knees as he once more took in the view of Sunnydale. I'm selfish. I want her.
He straightened his back slightly at the sudden sensation of being watched overcoming him. Then he sighed.
"Didn't think it'd be that easy, did you?" Angel asked and Spike got to his feet, turning to face the approaching vamp.
"You said what you bleeding well wanted to say," the bleached grumbled. "Leave it be and get the bloody hell outta here."
"I wanna know what it is you want from her," Angel merely replied.
"You couldn't possibly understand," Spike murmured.
"I couldn't?" Angel asked, skeptically.
"No, you couldn't. You couldn't control Angelus, and Angelus wanted nothing but massacre and death... Even for her. I have no soul... but I look at her and all I wanna bloody do is protect her," Spike stated and Angel once more found himself staring at a being he had dealt with for such a long duration of his own existence, as well as that of the younger, that he was too certain of what he believed to be convinced. "Why did you come here?" Spike now inquired.
"I need you to realize that what you're doing with her is bound to..."
"No," Spike interrupted. "Not buggering HERE-here, in Sunnydale here. Why the hell did you come back?"
"Buffy and I... We left things sorta hanging in the air and I didn't wanna leave them there," the dark-haired answered.
"Why did you come see me, then?" Spike demanded and Angel smiled that shadow of a smile which was one of his more infuriating traits, before he replied:
"You know why I did."
"To make me bleeding leave her," Spike murmured and Angel smiled again, making Spike really want to punch him in the nose. "What had you figuring it was me? With her?"
"It was subtle," Angel replied. "The way she glanced up at me, and then away, when she told me about you - helping. How self-conscious she got when I asked to know more... And, yes, the minor detail of your scent - all over her clothes."
"Once upon a time," Spike mumbled, "you knew me better than myself. Look at me. Bloody look me in the eye. My love IS worth something."
"I'm glad some of what I said to you took hold."
"You sodding can't..."
"But I CAN!" Angel cut him off, taking the steps between them in the blink of an eye and grabbing the other by the collar of his T-shirt before practically lifting him off the ground. "I can, 'cause that girl down there is more precious to me than you could even imagine! I will NOT let you damage her!"
Spike giggled, shaking his head barely noticeably as he hung by his grandsire's clasping grip.
"You look at her and you feel so damn good," the younger then murmured. "You hold her and you feel your heart beating... With her you have a dream, a future. With her you're whole, in one bleeding piece at last - after what feels like eons of minutes. After a lifetime of something that is probably just that." Angel released his grip and Spike went down on his knees, looking down at his hands before up at the figure of someone he had once considered the model by which he wanted to mold himself. Perhaps now even more so. "You can tell that what she does to you is gonna have a too large impact on you than you'd even like to admit to yourself... but in the end you have to see it for what it is. Embrace it. Go with it. And that's when it gets truly amazing. When you give yourself to her. When she looks at you and accepts you. THAT'S when you know that no matter what comes it'll be alright, as long as she's there, as long as she rests her eyes in yours just like that. You gave all of it up. I don't bloody get how you could bring yourself to, when you KNEW that she..."
He trailed off. Angel's face was tight and mournful, making Spike wonder if he had gone too far.
"I couldn't give her what she wanted," the former finally said, voice lowered and hoarse.
Spike furrowed his brow.
"You still love her?" he asked and Angel met his gaze before he sighed.
"A part of me will always love her," he then answered. "But I released her... She released me."
"Then be bloody content with that," Spike grumbled, a trace of a plea in his gaze and Angel observed him at the sight of it.
He had never seen anything like it in the blue eyes of his grandchilde before. He realized, in that moment, that this was a fight he was destined to lose. It wasn't in his hands anymore. In fact, it never had been. It had been vain of him to actually believe that this was something he could ever influence.
"I still think she deserves better than you," he muttered, his gaze brightening just a little as he added: "Or me."
He took a step back, then gave a nod and turned around, beginning to walk away.
Spike watched him, then said, voice low:
"Thought you said it wasn't gonna be easy."
Angel paused, turned partially to him, and smiled a small smile yet again before he raised his eyebrows meaningfully. Spike frowned, questioningly, and followed the vampire's movements as he once more began to walk away, the darkness of the grove swallowing him and the second he disappeared a new form moved out of the shadows.
"Buffy," Spike practically whispered.
***
One hour earlier.
Buffy stood indecisive of what to do.
Why was it that when she really wanted him to be there, he wasn't. And when she absolutely needed him away from her, he was practically leashed to her back? Well, she supposed there hadn't been much of the not-wanting-him-near lately... but still.
She just had a tiny feeling creeping down her spine of what this was actually doing to him, what he was doing to himself by distorting the whole situation into something that it really was not!
"I have to find him," she grumbled, swirling around and rushing back out through the door.
Okay, logically, where would he be?
Ten minutes later she threw open the door to Willy's and stepped inside. Three demons were seated along the bar, another five scattered amongst the tables; their heads all turned as they could sense her presence. They looked away in their own time as she fearlessly walked through the room.
He wasn't there, but she couldn't simply leave, that would do nothing but create questions that would in turn surely stir up some idle gossip and that was the last thing she needed. No, she had to state a case and so she strode up to the owner of the joint and leaned against the counter as she said:
"I need information."
Willy gave her one of his more nervous glances and then he shook his head.
"I-I don't want any part of that no more, Slayer," he replied, taking to glancing about the room before clearing his throat and picking up a dirty piece of cloth, beginning to clean the already immaculate bar counter and scooting her arms off it.
She straightened her back and gave him a look.
"I'm real serious here," Willy more or less whispered, leaning forward a little. "There's a rumor going around that snitches go in ditches, and I ain't planning on taking a vacation there quite yet. In a real long time, in fact," he added, rather conspiratorially and Buffy eyed him at that.
"Adam," she muttered and Willy's eyes widened before he began fidgeting with the cloth once more.
"You go 'bout your business," he encouraged. "And take it far away from here. Okay?"
She sighed, then nodded.
"Fine," she murmured, turning and leaving the way she had entered.
She decided to head to the mansion where he had stayed with Angel and Drusilla, and maybe that old factory deserved a stop as well... But first - the Bronze.
She was about to take the back door into the club when a voice made her stop and turn back around.
"Hey," Riley said silently.
"Hey," she replied.
The quiet settled uncomfortably between them and she hesitated before she grumbled:
"A friend of mine was taken... a few nights ago. By YOUR men... They were gonna hurt him and we had to break him outta there... I just... Where were you? You said that you'd be there if I needed you 'cause we have a common goal in this fight, but..."
"I was sent out on a mission," he cut her off gently. "I heard about what happened. I'm sorry, it never should've..."
"But it did."
"Yeah..." he trailed off, looking at her. Then he drew a small breath and said: "I've been offered another of those... Away from here. I'd have to leave Sunnydale, probably for good."
She stared at him. This was sudden.
"What do you mean?" she inquired, completely stumped and he took a step forward as he repeated:
"I've been offered a mission with a special op's force. It'll take me out of Sunnydale, probably even the States... indefinitely."
She frowned, still not registering and he took another step forward, stopping right in front of her and saying:
"I'm gonna accept it... Unless... you can give me a reason to stay."
She blinked, his words finally reaching her and she realized that he was saying he was going to leave. Leave to not return. If she didn't tell him that there was a chance. For them.
She found herself eyeing him. Looking at his face, by now familiar. Into his eyes, in search of what to say. She didn't have to look for very long. She smiled a small smile and he returned it tentatively as she stepped the last pace separating them and then wrapped her arms around his neck.
He closed his eyes and held her back, but they opened again as she said:
"I hope you'll be happy. Whatever happens."
He looked down at her as she stepped out of the embrace and gave him a look of both regret and appreciation.
"Take care of yourself," she then added and he swallowed.
He hadn't actually expected this. Saying good-bye had for some reason not been in the plan, but he also came to understand that he wasn't surprised, not deep down.
"You take care of yourself, too," he agreed and she smiled again. "Alright, so... I'm going then," he mumbled, hesitating for one moment as he let his eyes rest in hers, and then he turned and began to walk away.
She looked at his back for a few seconds before she grabbed the handle of the door she had been about to open when Riley had interrupted her. Stepping inside the music hit her and as she walked into the club she could already tell that who she was looking for wasn't there. Sighing she trotted toward the front entrance and back out onto the streets.
When had it begun? she wondered. When did it all really begin? In the basement he had said that he had wanted her from that first moment that he saw her... But she hadn't wanted HIM from the first moment she saw HIM, had she?
She stopped, turning her head to the side and finding herself looking into the alley where that first meeting had occurred. She swallowed, then couldn't help but smile a little to herself.
Okay, so it had been his attitude that got to her that night. The arrogance, the strength, the complete lack of fear and that dangerous gleam in his azure blues that let her know exactly how serious he was in his statement. He wasn't only GOING to kill her, he actually KNEW that he could pull it off.
How many times hadn't he come close? If her mom hadn't intervened that very Saturday he WOULD have done what he so boldly had proclaimed that he would. And there were other times... She wondered what had stopped him. She wondered how long he had felt something more...
He was a complex being, that was for sure, and she might never fully know him. But she knew now that there was something good to the bad and he showed it to her so without restraints that she had to let it charm her, had to let it in. Looking back she had to marvel at it, though. A year ago, or two years, she wouldn't have thought a creature so cold, so merciless and clearly in so lack of respect of anything could harbor actual gentleness, could have such a tender way of looking at her - often when he thought she couldn't see.
Spike. He had taught her something about life. Never say never. Life will merely turn around and bite you in the butt for even thinking you could know better.
Wow. Spike. Really?
Yes. Really.
She broke down the, with boards, nailed over doors of the mansion and stepped inside. It was as it had always been and suddenly she was brought back to the time after Angel's return from his own, personal hell dimension. How she had loved him, cared for him, and what a torture it had been not to be able to be close to him. Seeing him again now, seeing him in the same room as Spike, had made it clear to her that Angel was her past. No matter what happened with Spike. Angel would always be one of her closest, she had no doubt in that. He knew her inside out. She loved him so much, but she didn't think she was IN love with him anymore.
She glanced around at the large fire place, at the tattered old couch still standing before it, and then she smiled for a second time.
She had said good-bye to him right there, right below the mantle, and then she had placed the ring he had given her there as some sort of symbol to herself that he was gone, and that she had to move on.
She walked up to the spot and kneeled by it.
Spike... She prayed she would never have to go through what killing Angel had done to her ever again; wished with everything in her that she would never have to bear the pain of watching the one she loved being torn from her without her being able to stop it...
Spike...
Stroking her hand over the rough stone surface she closed her eyes and suddenly she had the most overwhelming feeling. She opened her eyes, looked down at the place her hand had graced with its touch, and then she rose. Turning around she ran out of the mansion and didn't stop as she set her feet on the course of the hills beyond the city.
She knew where he was.
Finally slowing down as she entered the first large grove she took a steadying breath and kept walking.
What was she going to say to him?
She supposed it all depended on what he would say to her.
She walked for another five minutes and then she could see the trees up ahead clearing, as well as the growing glitter of city lights from afar. She stepped onto the soft, tall grass covering the slope beyond the last grove and immediately her eyes rested in his. Her heart skipped a beat as she looked at him.
All of it was madness. All of what she was feeling was insanity. But it seemed she had let it all slide since the first caress from him, and it seemed she had stopped really caring ever since he first told her that he loved her.
Approaching him slowly she could hear but one thing.
His voice as it softly whispered her name.
**************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** ******************
Oh, wowie. I really do love hearing from you guys. You are the sunshine through the clouds! This is the best, best, best part of my day and I can never fully explain how grateful I am to you for it! What I can say is - thank you. Bunches. So much!
Special and waaaarm thanks to wolf116 (thanks a lot for that, I mean the vote of confidence is really great! ;) I'd love to give the remaining seasons a go, but I simply haven't the time for it. *smile* Great that you liked the chapter!) :), Erica (hey, got the laptop figured out. Turned out it was actually my own twisted doings! *grin* Glad you liked the chapter!) ;), LizDarcy (hehe, *smiling widely here*, real happy you enjoyed that chap, girl!) :), Maribel (hey, girl. Soon enough? Hope so! Thanks for the positive comment!) :), Carol (yeah, sorry 'bout the lack of fists and feet, just wanted to go that way with it, you know? :) Hope this chapter was no disappointment! And good to hear about the other site!) :), qattaca (ohhh! Did this atleast re-create that puddle of yours? Any hope at all there? *grin*) ;), Captain (*Smile* We'll see.) :), misus_spike (OMG! Thank you! *smile* Really, honestly, thanks a LOT, that's so great to read! Wow! I really know what you mean about hating S4 though, I really feel a bad taste in my mouth watching Riley and Buffy hook up. Yuk! Guess this story is some sorta therapy for me, huh? *grin* A lotta great comments from you both on the story and my writing and I bow my head to thee. Thanks a lot! And, well, here WAS another chapter and I do hope you enjoyed it as much!) ;), Andi (hehe, yeah, silly ME! The prob was caused by my fingers and not his paws. Good, eh? Great that you liked and approved!!!) :), vuks (haha, you porr thing. I can't say I don't know what you're going through though! Ohhh, goose bumps from that flattery. Glad I managed to peg Angel right. Hehe, me like cliffhangers too! ;) Ohhh, member of honor, huh? Yeah, well, no pesky "real" boyfriends in sight for me. So I'll just stick with my bot and be all the better off. ;) And on to the next review. :) Hon, I ain't English. tho that saying was not familiar to me. :) And also *grin* to that thought. Hehe. Oh, girl, I'll try to drag it out for you, for me, for all, okay? *smile* I hate to see this end just as much as you! Thanks a lot for the two reviews!) :), Leanne (hey, girl. 'S okay. Great that you take the time to, as vuks above, write feedback for both chapters. Greatly appreciated! You're the first one to even comment on the Willow/Spike interaction, which sorta surprised me. I'm glad you liked it! Yeah, of course I had to bring Peaches into the scenario. ;) Hehe. Again, happy you approve! And moving onto the next chapter. ;) Oh, thanks a lot for that comment, it's great that you like the Spike/Angel interaction! And thanks a lot for the "currant" comment, it's been taken care of! Appreciate that. 'Course it wasn't THAT far off in this context, was it? I mean, what does Spike do if not spice up her life, huh? *grin*) ;) and Caitee (thanks a lot! I'm glad you liked it!!! I haven't seen the season yet so I can only cross fingers that I'll love it as much as the rest of the show. I'm sure I'll bawl my eyes out at the end of it though. Just thinking about it makes me feel all depressed and teary-eyed!) ;) -
To ALL, as always, HUGE thank yous for taking the time to write me your thoughts and feelings about this fic! It means a lot to me to read what you think and I'm so happy for every last review!
Hope you liked this chapter as well!!!
A.M.L, Annie.
Forty-One: Intermission
By Annie
2003-06-20
***********************************************************************
Day Thirty-Six.
10.20 p.m.
Spike looked out over the glittering lights of a city which he had come to regard as something of a home. He had never belonged anywhere, but yes, how bittersweet it was to finally belong in the last place on Earth he actually should.
He had roamed the globe for a long time. He had seen it in bad days and good, in pure defeat and in glory, in hate and in love... He had been part of it all. He had been a spot of shame for so long; he didn't want to be cause of that feeling for her. Anything but shame. Anything but regret. He didn't want to instill that in someone who had, for the very first time, made him think of what he was.
He couldn't count the hours he had drifted off into musings of why he did what he did after she had said those things about "killing with a purpose". It WAS his nature, it WAS a part of him that he couldn't sidestep or get out of the way... But it was also that side to him - that violent side to him - that had been quietly pushed back.
Sure he wasn't exactly good at controlling it. He still felt the urge to kill. But she had made him focus all of it on something better than the mere taking of life. She had given him a purpose. Without her...
He closed his eyes and sat down on the grass covering the slope he was currently on. Then lay down on his back and opened his eyes again, looking up at the stretch of white dots high above his head.
To most, he supposed, the fact of him even existing would be as hard for their brains to process as the fact that those soft twinkles in the sky - seeming so reachable - were in fact a billion miles away, and that what they were gazing at in awe was something which had been sent through space ages upon ages ago.
He was dead.
Yet he walked.
Un-human.
He wondered what he was to her. What did she see when she looked at him? Why had she given herself to him? And how could she sleep in his arms and not care? DID she even care about what happened to him? Was this all some kind of a game to her? Or a test? Of what? His ability, his trustworthiness? Or was she simply using him - to get to Adam?
Or did something in her care?
Angel's voice kept ringing in his head.
"You're a fool if you think you're what she needs."
Angel had done the noble thing. Angel had walked away in recognition of the hopelessness of a relationship where they could barely touch each other in fear of taking it one step too far and rendering him soulless. Angel had loved her enough to let her go.
But I'm not noble, Spike thought, sitting up and pulling his legs up, resting his elbows casually against his knees as he once more took in the view of Sunnydale. I'm selfish. I want her.
He straightened his back slightly at the sudden sensation of being watched overcoming him. Then he sighed.
"Didn't think it'd be that easy, did you?" Angel asked and Spike got to his feet, turning to face the approaching vamp.
"You said what you bleeding well wanted to say," the bleached grumbled. "Leave it be and get the bloody hell outta here."
"I wanna know what it is you want from her," Angel merely replied.
"You couldn't possibly understand," Spike murmured.
"I couldn't?" Angel asked, skeptically.
"No, you couldn't. You couldn't control Angelus, and Angelus wanted nothing but massacre and death... Even for her. I have no soul... but I look at her and all I wanna bloody do is protect her," Spike stated and Angel once more found himself staring at a being he had dealt with for such a long duration of his own existence, as well as that of the younger, that he was too certain of what he believed to be convinced. "Why did you come here?" Spike now inquired.
"I need you to realize that what you're doing with her is bound to..."
"No," Spike interrupted. "Not buggering HERE-here, in Sunnydale here. Why the hell did you come back?"
"Buffy and I... We left things sorta hanging in the air and I didn't wanna leave them there," the dark-haired answered.
"Why did you come see me, then?" Spike demanded and Angel smiled that shadow of a smile which was one of his more infuriating traits, before he replied:
"You know why I did."
"To make me bleeding leave her," Spike murmured and Angel smiled again, making Spike really want to punch him in the nose. "What had you figuring it was me? With her?"
"It was subtle," Angel replied. "The way she glanced up at me, and then away, when she told me about you - helping. How self-conscious she got when I asked to know more... And, yes, the minor detail of your scent - all over her clothes."
"Once upon a time," Spike mumbled, "you knew me better than myself. Look at me. Bloody look me in the eye. My love IS worth something."
"I'm glad some of what I said to you took hold."
"You sodding can't..."
"But I CAN!" Angel cut him off, taking the steps between them in the blink of an eye and grabbing the other by the collar of his T-shirt before practically lifting him off the ground. "I can, 'cause that girl down there is more precious to me than you could even imagine! I will NOT let you damage her!"
Spike giggled, shaking his head barely noticeably as he hung by his grandsire's clasping grip.
"You look at her and you feel so damn good," the younger then murmured. "You hold her and you feel your heart beating... With her you have a dream, a future. With her you're whole, in one bleeding piece at last - after what feels like eons of minutes. After a lifetime of something that is probably just that." Angel released his grip and Spike went down on his knees, looking down at his hands before up at the figure of someone he had once considered the model by which he wanted to mold himself. Perhaps now even more so. "You can tell that what she does to you is gonna have a too large impact on you than you'd even like to admit to yourself... but in the end you have to see it for what it is. Embrace it. Go with it. And that's when it gets truly amazing. When you give yourself to her. When she looks at you and accepts you. THAT'S when you know that no matter what comes it'll be alright, as long as she's there, as long as she rests her eyes in yours just like that. You gave all of it up. I don't bloody get how you could bring yourself to, when you KNEW that she..."
He trailed off. Angel's face was tight and mournful, making Spike wonder if he had gone too far.
"I couldn't give her what she wanted," the former finally said, voice lowered and hoarse.
Spike furrowed his brow.
"You still love her?" he asked and Angel met his gaze before he sighed.
"A part of me will always love her," he then answered. "But I released her... She released me."
"Then be bloody content with that," Spike grumbled, a trace of a plea in his gaze and Angel observed him at the sight of it.
He had never seen anything like it in the blue eyes of his grandchilde before. He realized, in that moment, that this was a fight he was destined to lose. It wasn't in his hands anymore. In fact, it never had been. It had been vain of him to actually believe that this was something he could ever influence.
"I still think she deserves better than you," he muttered, his gaze brightening just a little as he added: "Or me."
He took a step back, then gave a nod and turned around, beginning to walk away.
Spike watched him, then said, voice low:
"Thought you said it wasn't gonna be easy."
Angel paused, turned partially to him, and smiled a small smile yet again before he raised his eyebrows meaningfully. Spike frowned, questioningly, and followed the vampire's movements as he once more began to walk away, the darkness of the grove swallowing him and the second he disappeared a new form moved out of the shadows.
"Buffy," Spike practically whispered.
***
One hour earlier.
Buffy stood indecisive of what to do.
Why was it that when she really wanted him to be there, he wasn't. And when she absolutely needed him away from her, he was practically leashed to her back? Well, she supposed there hadn't been much of the not-wanting-him-near lately... but still.
She just had a tiny feeling creeping down her spine of what this was actually doing to him, what he was doing to himself by distorting the whole situation into something that it really was not!
"I have to find him," she grumbled, swirling around and rushing back out through the door.
Okay, logically, where would he be?
Ten minutes later she threw open the door to Willy's and stepped inside. Three demons were seated along the bar, another five scattered amongst the tables; their heads all turned as they could sense her presence. They looked away in their own time as she fearlessly walked through the room.
He wasn't there, but she couldn't simply leave, that would do nothing but create questions that would in turn surely stir up some idle gossip and that was the last thing she needed. No, she had to state a case and so she strode up to the owner of the joint and leaned against the counter as she said:
"I need information."
Willy gave her one of his more nervous glances and then he shook his head.
"I-I don't want any part of that no more, Slayer," he replied, taking to glancing about the room before clearing his throat and picking up a dirty piece of cloth, beginning to clean the already immaculate bar counter and scooting her arms off it.
She straightened her back and gave him a look.
"I'm real serious here," Willy more or less whispered, leaning forward a little. "There's a rumor going around that snitches go in ditches, and I ain't planning on taking a vacation there quite yet. In a real long time, in fact," he added, rather conspiratorially and Buffy eyed him at that.
"Adam," she muttered and Willy's eyes widened before he began fidgeting with the cloth once more.
"You go 'bout your business," he encouraged. "And take it far away from here. Okay?"
She sighed, then nodded.
"Fine," she murmured, turning and leaving the way she had entered.
She decided to head to the mansion where he had stayed with Angel and Drusilla, and maybe that old factory deserved a stop as well... But first - the Bronze.
She was about to take the back door into the club when a voice made her stop and turn back around.
"Hey," Riley said silently.
"Hey," she replied.
The quiet settled uncomfortably between them and she hesitated before she grumbled:
"A friend of mine was taken... a few nights ago. By YOUR men... They were gonna hurt him and we had to break him outta there... I just... Where were you? You said that you'd be there if I needed you 'cause we have a common goal in this fight, but..."
"I was sent out on a mission," he cut her off gently. "I heard about what happened. I'm sorry, it never should've..."
"But it did."
"Yeah..." he trailed off, looking at her. Then he drew a small breath and said: "I've been offered another of those... Away from here. I'd have to leave Sunnydale, probably for good."
She stared at him. This was sudden.
"What do you mean?" she inquired, completely stumped and he took a step forward as he repeated:
"I've been offered a mission with a special op's force. It'll take me out of Sunnydale, probably even the States... indefinitely."
She frowned, still not registering and he took another step forward, stopping right in front of her and saying:
"I'm gonna accept it... Unless... you can give me a reason to stay."
She blinked, his words finally reaching her and she realized that he was saying he was going to leave. Leave to not return. If she didn't tell him that there was a chance. For them.
She found herself eyeing him. Looking at his face, by now familiar. Into his eyes, in search of what to say. She didn't have to look for very long. She smiled a small smile and he returned it tentatively as she stepped the last pace separating them and then wrapped her arms around his neck.
He closed his eyes and held her back, but they opened again as she said:
"I hope you'll be happy. Whatever happens."
He looked down at her as she stepped out of the embrace and gave him a look of both regret and appreciation.
"Take care of yourself," she then added and he swallowed.
He hadn't actually expected this. Saying good-bye had for some reason not been in the plan, but he also came to understand that he wasn't surprised, not deep down.
"You take care of yourself, too," he agreed and she smiled again. "Alright, so... I'm going then," he mumbled, hesitating for one moment as he let his eyes rest in hers, and then he turned and began to walk away.
She looked at his back for a few seconds before she grabbed the handle of the door she had been about to open when Riley had interrupted her. Stepping inside the music hit her and as she walked into the club she could already tell that who she was looking for wasn't there. Sighing she trotted toward the front entrance and back out onto the streets.
When had it begun? she wondered. When did it all really begin? In the basement he had said that he had wanted her from that first moment that he saw her... But she hadn't wanted HIM from the first moment she saw HIM, had she?
She stopped, turning her head to the side and finding herself looking into the alley where that first meeting had occurred. She swallowed, then couldn't help but smile a little to herself.
Okay, so it had been his attitude that got to her that night. The arrogance, the strength, the complete lack of fear and that dangerous gleam in his azure blues that let her know exactly how serious he was in his statement. He wasn't only GOING to kill her, he actually KNEW that he could pull it off.
How many times hadn't he come close? If her mom hadn't intervened that very Saturday he WOULD have done what he so boldly had proclaimed that he would. And there were other times... She wondered what had stopped him. She wondered how long he had felt something more...
He was a complex being, that was for sure, and she might never fully know him. But she knew now that there was something good to the bad and he showed it to her so without restraints that she had to let it charm her, had to let it in. Looking back she had to marvel at it, though. A year ago, or two years, she wouldn't have thought a creature so cold, so merciless and clearly in so lack of respect of anything could harbor actual gentleness, could have such a tender way of looking at her - often when he thought she couldn't see.
Spike. He had taught her something about life. Never say never. Life will merely turn around and bite you in the butt for even thinking you could know better.
Wow. Spike. Really?
Yes. Really.
She broke down the, with boards, nailed over doors of the mansion and stepped inside. It was as it had always been and suddenly she was brought back to the time after Angel's return from his own, personal hell dimension. How she had loved him, cared for him, and what a torture it had been not to be able to be close to him. Seeing him again now, seeing him in the same room as Spike, had made it clear to her that Angel was her past. No matter what happened with Spike. Angel would always be one of her closest, she had no doubt in that. He knew her inside out. She loved him so much, but she didn't think she was IN love with him anymore.
She glanced around at the large fire place, at the tattered old couch still standing before it, and then she smiled for a second time.
She had said good-bye to him right there, right below the mantle, and then she had placed the ring he had given her there as some sort of symbol to herself that he was gone, and that she had to move on.
She walked up to the spot and kneeled by it.
Spike... She prayed she would never have to go through what killing Angel had done to her ever again; wished with everything in her that she would never have to bear the pain of watching the one she loved being torn from her without her being able to stop it...
Spike...
Stroking her hand over the rough stone surface she closed her eyes and suddenly she had the most overwhelming feeling. She opened her eyes, looked down at the place her hand had graced with its touch, and then she rose. Turning around she ran out of the mansion and didn't stop as she set her feet on the course of the hills beyond the city.
She knew where he was.
Finally slowing down as she entered the first large grove she took a steadying breath and kept walking.
What was she going to say to him?
She supposed it all depended on what he would say to her.
She walked for another five minutes and then she could see the trees up ahead clearing, as well as the growing glitter of city lights from afar. She stepped onto the soft, tall grass covering the slope beyond the last grove and immediately her eyes rested in his. Her heart skipped a beat as she looked at him.
All of it was madness. All of what she was feeling was insanity. But it seemed she had let it all slide since the first caress from him, and it seemed she had stopped really caring ever since he first told her that he loved her.
Approaching him slowly she could hear but one thing.
His voice as it softly whispered her name.
**************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** ******************
Oh, wowie. I really do love hearing from you guys. You are the sunshine through the clouds! This is the best, best, best part of my day and I can never fully explain how grateful I am to you for it! What I can say is - thank you. Bunches. So much!
Special and waaaarm thanks to wolf116 (thanks a lot for that, I mean the vote of confidence is really great! ;) I'd love to give the remaining seasons a go, but I simply haven't the time for it. *smile* Great that you liked the chapter!) :), Erica (hey, got the laptop figured out. Turned out it was actually my own twisted doings! *grin* Glad you liked the chapter!) ;), LizDarcy (hehe, *smiling widely here*, real happy you enjoyed that chap, girl!) :), Maribel (hey, girl. Soon enough? Hope so! Thanks for the positive comment!) :), Carol (yeah, sorry 'bout the lack of fists and feet, just wanted to go that way with it, you know? :) Hope this chapter was no disappointment! And good to hear about the other site!) :), qattaca (ohhh! Did this atleast re-create that puddle of yours? Any hope at all there? *grin*) ;), Captain (*Smile* We'll see.) :), misus_spike (OMG! Thank you! *smile* Really, honestly, thanks a LOT, that's so great to read! Wow! I really know what you mean about hating S4 though, I really feel a bad taste in my mouth watching Riley and Buffy hook up. Yuk! Guess this story is some sorta therapy for me, huh? *grin* A lotta great comments from you both on the story and my writing and I bow my head to thee. Thanks a lot! And, well, here WAS another chapter and I do hope you enjoyed it as much!) ;), Andi (hehe, yeah, silly ME! The prob was caused by my fingers and not his paws. Good, eh? Great that you liked and approved!!!) :), vuks (haha, you porr thing. I can't say I don't know what you're going through though! Ohhh, goose bumps from that flattery. Glad I managed to peg Angel right. Hehe, me like cliffhangers too! ;) Ohhh, member of honor, huh? Yeah, well, no pesky "real" boyfriends in sight for me. So I'll just stick with my bot and be all the better off. ;) And on to the next review. :) Hon, I ain't English. tho that saying was not familiar to me. :) And also *grin* to that thought. Hehe. Oh, girl, I'll try to drag it out for you, for me, for all, okay? *smile* I hate to see this end just as much as you! Thanks a lot for the two reviews!) :), Leanne (hey, girl. 'S okay. Great that you take the time to, as vuks above, write feedback for both chapters. Greatly appreciated! You're the first one to even comment on the Willow/Spike interaction, which sorta surprised me. I'm glad you liked it! Yeah, of course I had to bring Peaches into the scenario. ;) Hehe. Again, happy you approve! And moving onto the next chapter. ;) Oh, thanks a lot for that comment, it's great that you like the Spike/Angel interaction! And thanks a lot for the "currant" comment, it's been taken care of! Appreciate that. 'Course it wasn't THAT far off in this context, was it? I mean, what does Spike do if not spice up her life, huh? *grin*) ;) and Caitee (thanks a lot! I'm glad you liked it!!! I haven't seen the season yet so I can only cross fingers that I'll love it as much as the rest of the show. I'm sure I'll bawl my eyes out at the end of it though. Just thinking about it makes me feel all depressed and teary-eyed!) ;) -
To ALL, as always, HUGE thank yous for taking the time to write me your thoughts and feelings about this fic! It means a lot to me to read what you think and I'm so happy for every last review!
Hope you liked this chapter as well!!!
A.M.L, Annie.