*********************************TRAppED********************************
Forty-Three: Belief and a Side-Order of Something Good
By Annie
2003-07-03
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Day Thirty-Six.
11.58 p.m.
They walked slowly back to his crypt. They were silent because both of them thought they had too much to say to the other and they weren't exactly sure of how to get it all out, how to begin. They were comfortable in the quiet though, and they kept stealing glances at the other; sometimes their eyes would meet and neither would be able to hold back the small smile immediately rising before they looked away from each other again.
Buffy wanted to hold his hand, wanted to walk close to him and not have to pretend anymore. But she knew that that was impossible, Adam's spies would surely be out and if they saw them...
She decided not to think about that anymore. They would get Adam, they would box him in, and they would stop him. Right now, this moment, with Spike, was too important to brush off simply because they couldn't risk a smile or two... a friendly look... a brush up of ones arm against the others. She loved the stillness. And falling for him, for his seeking and knowing gazes, and his warm and open smile, for his passionate and demanding kisses and the way he made her feel whenever he was close to her... strong, cared for and safe - it was easy. It was the easiest thing she had ever done, now that the words had been uttered and she had to realize that it was too much to hold back.
Spike looked at her and his whole body ached with something it hadn't truly been under for such a long time that it had - that HE had - forgotten what it felt like: actual and real happiness. That was why he kept looking away from her, because the feeling was overwhelming. And because if he kept his eyes on her when their gazes locked - and she didn't look away either - he would say to hell with all that had to do with Adam, and he would pull her to him and walk with his arm proudly wrapped around her for the rest of the road they still had up ahead of them.
He loved her, so terribly much, and she was beginning to feel the same. This woman, so full of life and grace and goodness, was falling in love with him. He had hoped; and he had needed to believe, but had he ever dared to? He didn't think so. If he really had then this feeling within him wouldn't be so unfamiliar, so new. Glancing at her again he felt his heart do an odd jump in his chest, he shivered from the sensation as he looked at her for as long as he dared before once more turning his eyes forward.
The crypt crept into view and Buffy felt one side of her wanting to rush forward and finally have walls around them, and his arms around her; but then another part wanted to slow down their steps even further. A gnawing worry was taking a seat at the nape of her neck and the chills it sent out weren't pleasant. She drew a small breath. There were so many what ifs still left to solve, so many left that simply couldn't BE solved. They frightened her a lot more than the deadly threats she faced every night.
To need him...
He was everything that she should loathe and despise; he stood for everything that was wrong in her world; although she found herself having to smile at that thought. Because the truth was: it didn't apply anymore. He HAD been those things, but now... he was so much more. And she knew that she had been granted the chance to see him in a different light. In an entirely different light. And she could see it reflecting in his gaze whenever he looked at her now.
He loved her, and she was beginning to return those emotions in a way she never would have dreamed that she would. That she could! But whenever she looked at him her heart leaped and she needed to smile and that was undeniable. God, he made her feel so good.
They both came to a stop before the doors of his home and they exchanged another look, bidding each other to take the first step. They stood there for nearly ten seconds of growing impatience and then they both smiled sheepishly.
Spike gave a small shrug before he walked the few paces and opened the door for her. Her smile widened just a tad as she followed in his footsteps and proceeded through the doorframe. She walked through the small hall and through the second door, listening to him now following her and as he closed the latter she turned to him.
He tilted his head slightly to one side, eyeing her in the quietness, and she let another smile grow onto her lips before she took the steps dividing them and stopped right in front of him. She paused, holding his gaze, and then she carefully slid her fingertips up the fabric of his T and under the hems of his duster. Making it glide down from his shoulders and to the floor in a heap, the shirt he had been wearing going with it.
He was staring at her, the warmth in his eyes being reflected in hers as his hands began to unbutton her jacket. It went the same way his duster had and he slipped his fingers under her sweater, sliding his hands over her stomach and she closed her eyes, lifting her arms up so that he could get the sweater off her.
She gently got his T off him in the same manner and then she stepped into him, placing a tender kiss against the place of his heart right before his arms locked tight around her and she moved hers up to link them behind his neck. Resting her forehead at the side of his throat she felt how all the tension began to subside.
He brushed his cheek against hers and she tilted her head back, meeting his gaze before closing her eyes again as his mouth locked with hers and the kiss deepened languorously. She moaned softly and cautiously pressed herself closer to him.
They got the rest of their clothes off as lazily as the former ones and their kisses joined with Buffy's breathing was the only thing erupting the silence keeping reign around them. They wouldn't have had it any other way and when they finally sunk down on their improviser of a bed they were more one being than ever before. Their movements dragged out and yet hungry as they explored the familiarity of the other.
Spike entered her, filled her.
Their eyes locked and refused to leave the others as they began to make love.
***
Day Thirty-Seven.
4.34 a.m.
"And then what?" she asked, voice low as she rested her chin against his shoulder, her right hand placed on his stomach and her fingertips making little circles without her mind really having anything to do with it.
She had been engaged in eager listening for the past two and a half hours, to the story of him.
"Well, Dru was weaker than ever before and I knew the cure was to be found here, so I threw her into the DeSoto and brought her where I knew she'd heal... Bleeding terrific idea, wouldn't you agree? Brought me here, brought me to you..." Spike smiled a little at the memory. "Brought me to change my whole bloody existence," he then finished. "Had I known, I never would've sodding come," he sighed and she smirked, giving him a small push with one arm before directing her eyes up at him.
"So, if you'd known this would happen you'd have chosen eternity with Drusilla?" she then asked and he raised his eyebrows as he moved his head to be able to meet her gaze.
"Don't tell me you feel threatened by that old bird," he murmured and Buffy smiled again, pulling herself up so that she could rest her head in her left hand, supported on her elbow, before she replied meaningfully:
"You didn't like me seeing Angel, did you?"
"Pet, Dru is something completely different," Spike disagreed and now it was Buffy's turn to raise her eyebrows. "When I was with Dru... I felt twice as lethal. She made me feel invincible. Strong, dangerous. She fed me her crazed fantasies and sooner than later I believed in them 'cause I bloody believed in HER. It made everything easier... Guess you could say, where Angel was kinda my mentor, Drusilla was my guiding star, my influence... my lack of conscience," he grumbled the last part and Buffy slid one hand in a comforting gesture down the side of his cheek, making him turn his gaze back in hers. "But up until now I've never known love. I've never felt it the way I feel whenever I'm near you... You make me wanna be a better man, Buffy."
She blinked, his words clearly getting to her and he smiled a little again, reaching up a hand and placing it by her cheek.
"I've never regretted any of the things I've done," he said, voice gentle but with a trace of bitterness in it, and sorrow. "I was glad that I did them 'cause God knows I would've died of boredom in London if I'd been forced to live my life that way. I had something in me that had to be freed, and Dru let it out of its cage. I loved the thrill... And that was enough for me. Now... I can't go back. And I dunno where I'm headed if I can't be what I'm made to be. I'm at a loss, Slayer."
"No," she then said, shaking her head. "Not at a loss at all," she added, moving her hand to the one of his still on her cheek and then making it so that their fingers entwined. "You have me," she stated and his eyes lit up in that extraordinary way again. "And now you have ME to believe in YOU," she said firmly. "'Cause I do," she mumbled at the taken expression on his face. "I believe in you," she then finished with more feeling and the pause that followed seemed to make the air thicken before she leaned forward and kissed him tenderly.
He returned it, his hand squeezing hers, and when she pulled back he looked almost confused before he shook his head.
"I don't understand how this can be happening," he said and she smiled at that, then grew serious as he added: "Angel told me he doesn't think I deserve you... And he's right. What did I ever do to deserve this?"
Buffy carefully loosened her fingers from his and then slid her hand up his chest to the place graced with a kiss earlier, then she answered him.
"You opened yourself up."
He looked at her for a few moments, almost in awe and with his love for her so clear in his eyes that she could feel it drill through her skin.
"Come here," he then murmured, pulling her to him and holding her in a tight embrace, her arms going around him as well.
"I want to hear more," she whispered and he smirked.
"Haven't I done enough of the talking for one night?" he inquired and she smiled as well. "I'd bloody well say so," he added before giving her shoulders an encouraging squeeze. "Your turn."
She blinked, then giggled.
"Well, first of all, before I was a Slayer I was a very normal girl," she said, drifting into memories of her childhood and she began to tell them to him.
She wasn't sure how to best reveal to him what kind of person she had been in Los Angeles before she found out who she actually was. Before she knew what she was... She had been such a careless, naïve little girl back then. Popular to boot, sure. With a posse of friends. She had been her old schools Cordelia, all be it perhaps not quiet as vile as Cordy had been to her. Well, fifteen year old Buffy Anne Summers hadn't had too many things on her mind except for boys, shoes, boys, those cute little bags with fluffy pink feathers on them, boys and how best to be elected homecoming queen. Steven Adler had been her dream date back then. A jock, her version one-point-five on the Richter scale of dead-sexy.
She giggled.
"I guess you can imagine who my version is today," she then said, the cheerfulness in her voice made him laugh as well, meeting her lips as she had pulled up to give him a deep kiss and he enjoyed it for the while it lasted before she placed herself in her previous position and continued with her story.
She told him about her first slay. How her instincts had slowly taken over and how shocked she had been. How long it had taken her to fully accept her destiny and how she then had had to cover it up from her parents. How they had split up after she burned down her high school gymnasium, which had been filled with vampires, and how her mother had decided that they should get out of L.A and move to this adorable and quiet town a few hours from the big city. Sunnydale.
"Of course, my first few days here told me exactly what kind of place this was," she said. "I had Slayer tingles down my back everywhere I went and once I began to dig into a series of inexplicable murders - caused by two odd looking puncture wounds on the victims throat as well as massive blood loss - well, then I met Giles and Xander and Willow and everything rolled on from there."
"So, which moment has been the hardest so far, as the Slayer?" he asked and she grew thoughtful.
"I think I'd have to go with feeding you your icky blood," she finally stated and he heard the playfulness in her voice, which made him tip her over and begin to tickle her fiercely.
She was screaming for mercy before he stopped and she was still laughing softly to herself as she sat up and then gave him a friendly glare. He moved one arm and slid his hand up her back, then down again before moving it to her waist and making her lie down next to him.
They looked up at the ceiling, and then Buffy said:
"One of the absolutely hardest parts about being the Slayer is having to see my friends get hurt. I mean, I know they wanna help me. I know they NEED to help me, and I'd be the same way... But every time one of them gets abducted or nearly drained or threatened by giant bugs or nearly sliced and diced I just can't help but think that it's partially my fault for getting them into that situation."
Spike was quiet for a short while and then he replied:
"But that's stupid. It's not your fault any bloody way you look at it, love. Do you think evil would rest if you didn't exist? There has to be good fighting evil, otherwise there's... nothing. What I'm trying to say is that even if you hadn't ever come to Sunnydale your friends 'd be in as much trouble. MORE, even. And how many times haven't you SAVED them? They'd probably BE abducted and drained and sliced and diced if you weren't here. I dunno 'bout the giant bugs thing, though," he finished and she smiled at his last input before she sighed.
"I suppose you're right," she muttered. "But it's still hard, you know?"
"Yeah," he grumbled, turning his head to look at her.
"You were right, though," she suddenly mumbled silently, eyes still on the ceiling. "In the end I'll be fighting alone - to protect them."
His arms glided around her as he moved to lie on his side, kissing the one of her shoulders closest to him before he murmured:
"I won't ever let you stand alone."
"Promise?" she asked, turning her head so that the tips of their noses touched and he smiled as he nodded a little. "In a way," she added, looking back at him as she continued: "you're really a blessing." He raised his eyebrows questioningly and she smiled, finishing: "I don't think anyone's ever understood me better than you do. Of course, that was one of the worst sides to you when we were sworn enemies and all... that you kept crashing into my life making all these observations about it when you weren't even an eligible part of it!"
He laughed at that.
"I'm so glad I was able to make you at least a bit uncomfortable," he then stated and she smirked, rolling him over so that she could straddle him and his eyes grew slightly as he looked up at her.
"So how big is that bad in you?" she asked, leaning forward until their chests scraped together and he bit his lower lip as he met her gaze. "How badly does it wanna surface?" she demanded and he closed his eyes as she moved her hips back and over his already throbbing erection.
"If you think you can sodding torture me into telling you anyth-..." he began, opening his eyes again and having the sentence cut short when he met her meaningful gaze as she rose to her knees and moved as though she was getting off of him.
He grabbed her hips and pulled her back down to sit on his stomach and she smiled triumphantly.
"I don't know," he answered her, practically growling, though he couldn't help but smirk at her pleased expression. "I don't know how hard I'd have to fight if the chip ever did come out..." He suddenly wavered and she furrowed her brow, about to ask him why he had gotten a look of remembering something on his face that had made her feel as though that something had to do with her when he continued: "All I can say is that I know I'd be able to control myself. And I wouldn't kill."
He knew it was true. When she said what she had earlier, as she declared her belief in something better in him, all his will to go out and hunt had scattered. He knew he would never do anything to disappoint her. Not ever. And so...
"There something I have to tell you," he said slowly, sitting up and making her move to the side of him as he faced her.
She frowned, quizzical to the gravity on his features.
"I've lied to you," he confessed and she felt like a rock began to build in the pit of her stomach.
If it was allowed to keep growing she wasn't sure if she'd ever be able to move again. A thousand premonitions of the horrible things he could say was coursing through her head. That he had been toying with her, that his emotions weren't real and that now that she had actually made it clear that he had gotten her where he wanted her he could cut her loose, that Angel had been right and that now that she was down on her knees before the bleached blonde he had already lost interest in her.
Spike could see how she was tensing up and he thought it best to get this over with as swiftly as possible.
"When you asked me what Adam had said that he'd give to me in return for my favors, I lied when I said that he'd give me money," he admitted; and the hesitant and anxious look in his eyes showed his emotions in a way she had scarcely been able to read on him before as he continued: "He promised me he'd get the chip out... I dunno why I didn't wanna tell you. I really can't explain why I didn't just tell you... I just..." He trailed off, then his gaze grew earnest as he finished: "I'm sorry."
She observed him, then she suddenly began to laugh.
He stared at her, swallowed hard and decided to wait for the outcome of this outburst.
She dried her tears nearly three minutes later, one hand clasping the aching spot of her stomach before she threw herself forward and wrapped her arms around him in a hard hug. He hugged her back, relieved but yet confused.
"Apology accepted," she whispered in his ear before she pulled back to look at him, a tentative smile forming on his mouth as well.
She was so relieved that she couldn't find words for it. He had lied, but now he had told her the truth and the fact that he had done that made it all the more obvious that she was right in trusting him.
Her eyes suddenly grew slightly.
That was the first time she had actually given voice to that thought in her head.
She did trust him. Well, of course she trusted him... falling in love with him would otherwise be completely out of the picture. But... it must have snuck up on her because she had no idea when she had started doing so. At the rather wondering look on his face she smiled once more, warmly, and then she kissed him with everything that she felt inside in that moment.
Suddenly there was the sound of something harshly throwing open the first door of the crypt and Buffy had barely enough time to grab a sheet and tumble down behind the sarcophagus before the second door flew open, and through it, filling the doorway with his shadow before taking the step inside, came Adam.
Something told Spike that the look of pure fury on the formers face did not bode well.
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Ohhh, I'm back! To a load of great reviews and I'm jumping with joy! Yay! Hehe. Thanks so much you guys! A LOT of you wrote me really long feedback this time and I hope you've forgiven me that I took my responses to them a few days later!
Thanks to everyone who wished me a good time on my vacation, I did enjoy it very much!
I'm SO SO glad that you keep enjoying and I hope I will be hearing from you once again! :) ;)
Special and warm, warm thanks to Me (Thanks a lot for those comments! I'm so glad you think so!) :), LizDarcy (*grin* GREAT that you've found your favorite chapter! ;) Really happy you liked it, girl! And thanks, as said, I did enjoy my vacation.) :), maribel (aw, girl, thanks for that! I hope I was able to recharge!) ;), Mel (Well, what ya think? Happier...?) :), Alyssa (*smiles* I'm happyhappy and thanks for the wish of fun!) :), Renee' (hey! Great to see you back, I've missed ya! Too bad it didn't show but all the better that you found it again! I'm so glad you're still liking this and thanks for those wonderful comments! Your birthday is on the same date as the birthday of one of my closest friends! Cool. And happy b-day in advance! Thanks for taking the time, girl! Means a lot!) ;), Rachel (Hey! Glad that you approve of the Spike story. And about the friends finding out... ;) Thanks, girl!) :), vuks (no, no, no, no, I definitely would not make them go back and change everything. Great that you liked the Spike part! Oh, and thanks for that huge compliment. I'd HATE to be predictable! Also, woh, you're comparing me to reading Harry Potter? Wow. That's all I can say. Wow. And I did have a good time, thanks!) ;), Xio (Thanks for that! I'm thrilled you're sticking with it still. So happy you still enjoy! And thanks, I did have a great time!) ;), phyllis (OMG! Girl, thanks a lot for that truckload of reviews! I'm so happy that you seem pleased with every chapter and I can't tell you how great it was to read all of your comments! Thanks SO much for taking the time to review every chappy! And it's more than cool that you didn't wanna get spoiled! Thank you, thank you, thank you!) :), qattaca (LOVED it that you loved it! *smiles like mad* Thanks a lot for that uplifting review, oh, Great Lake! I think I won't go swimming in you, though... You understand. :) I'll enjoy the view though!) ;), Leanne (Another that liked the Spike part, that makes me REALLY happy! Thanks, girl.) :), Caitee (THANK YOU!) ;), Jen (thanks, girl!), Erica (Thank you and thank you. *smiles* Glad you liked and I did have a GREAT time.) :), Pine (Thanks a lot for the positivity, girl. So happy that you're still liking it and I simply love it that you liked the Spike story as well as the I'm falling in love with you line! Thanks a lot, girl.) :), AngelFlyer (Thanks a lot. It's always great to hear from new readers!) :), Katalina (I can repeat what I just wrote and say it's always so amazing to reach new people and learn of it! Thanks for reviewing and say hi to your cuz from me!) :) and spikesgilmore (have to mention I totally dig that word! And now I have to say that I am so happy you liked it that much! Awesome! And I feel like a good motto to keep in mind is give the readers what they want, but make them walk the road with you. ;) Well, you know, it's no fun just running down it without catching the scenery! I hope I'm succeeding and from your review I feel like I'm on the right track! Thanks a lot!) ;) - thank you ALL and here were the personals so I hope you've come back and read them!!!
It's great to see new names up there, I noticed there were quite a few this time! Hope to see more of you and to all the regular junkies, hope this fix will last for at least a few days! *wink* ;)
A.M.L, Annie.
Forty-Three: Belief and a Side-Order of Something Good
By Annie
2003-07-03
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Day Thirty-Six.
11.58 p.m.
They walked slowly back to his crypt. They were silent because both of them thought they had too much to say to the other and they weren't exactly sure of how to get it all out, how to begin. They were comfortable in the quiet though, and they kept stealing glances at the other; sometimes their eyes would meet and neither would be able to hold back the small smile immediately rising before they looked away from each other again.
Buffy wanted to hold his hand, wanted to walk close to him and not have to pretend anymore. But she knew that that was impossible, Adam's spies would surely be out and if they saw them...
She decided not to think about that anymore. They would get Adam, they would box him in, and they would stop him. Right now, this moment, with Spike, was too important to brush off simply because they couldn't risk a smile or two... a friendly look... a brush up of ones arm against the others. She loved the stillness. And falling for him, for his seeking and knowing gazes, and his warm and open smile, for his passionate and demanding kisses and the way he made her feel whenever he was close to her... strong, cared for and safe - it was easy. It was the easiest thing she had ever done, now that the words had been uttered and she had to realize that it was too much to hold back.
Spike looked at her and his whole body ached with something it hadn't truly been under for such a long time that it had - that HE had - forgotten what it felt like: actual and real happiness. That was why he kept looking away from her, because the feeling was overwhelming. And because if he kept his eyes on her when their gazes locked - and she didn't look away either - he would say to hell with all that had to do with Adam, and he would pull her to him and walk with his arm proudly wrapped around her for the rest of the road they still had up ahead of them.
He loved her, so terribly much, and she was beginning to feel the same. This woman, so full of life and grace and goodness, was falling in love with him. He had hoped; and he had needed to believe, but had he ever dared to? He didn't think so. If he really had then this feeling within him wouldn't be so unfamiliar, so new. Glancing at her again he felt his heart do an odd jump in his chest, he shivered from the sensation as he looked at her for as long as he dared before once more turning his eyes forward.
The crypt crept into view and Buffy felt one side of her wanting to rush forward and finally have walls around them, and his arms around her; but then another part wanted to slow down their steps even further. A gnawing worry was taking a seat at the nape of her neck and the chills it sent out weren't pleasant. She drew a small breath. There were so many what ifs still left to solve, so many left that simply couldn't BE solved. They frightened her a lot more than the deadly threats she faced every night.
To need him...
He was everything that she should loathe and despise; he stood for everything that was wrong in her world; although she found herself having to smile at that thought. Because the truth was: it didn't apply anymore. He HAD been those things, but now... he was so much more. And she knew that she had been granted the chance to see him in a different light. In an entirely different light. And she could see it reflecting in his gaze whenever he looked at her now.
He loved her, and she was beginning to return those emotions in a way she never would have dreamed that she would. That she could! But whenever she looked at him her heart leaped and she needed to smile and that was undeniable. God, he made her feel so good.
They both came to a stop before the doors of his home and they exchanged another look, bidding each other to take the first step. They stood there for nearly ten seconds of growing impatience and then they both smiled sheepishly.
Spike gave a small shrug before he walked the few paces and opened the door for her. Her smile widened just a tad as she followed in his footsteps and proceeded through the doorframe. She walked through the small hall and through the second door, listening to him now following her and as he closed the latter she turned to him.
He tilted his head slightly to one side, eyeing her in the quietness, and she let another smile grow onto her lips before she took the steps dividing them and stopped right in front of him. She paused, holding his gaze, and then she carefully slid her fingertips up the fabric of his T and under the hems of his duster. Making it glide down from his shoulders and to the floor in a heap, the shirt he had been wearing going with it.
He was staring at her, the warmth in his eyes being reflected in hers as his hands began to unbutton her jacket. It went the same way his duster had and he slipped his fingers under her sweater, sliding his hands over her stomach and she closed her eyes, lifting her arms up so that he could get the sweater off her.
She gently got his T off him in the same manner and then she stepped into him, placing a tender kiss against the place of his heart right before his arms locked tight around her and she moved hers up to link them behind his neck. Resting her forehead at the side of his throat she felt how all the tension began to subside.
He brushed his cheek against hers and she tilted her head back, meeting his gaze before closing her eyes again as his mouth locked with hers and the kiss deepened languorously. She moaned softly and cautiously pressed herself closer to him.
They got the rest of their clothes off as lazily as the former ones and their kisses joined with Buffy's breathing was the only thing erupting the silence keeping reign around them. They wouldn't have had it any other way and when they finally sunk down on their improviser of a bed they were more one being than ever before. Their movements dragged out and yet hungry as they explored the familiarity of the other.
Spike entered her, filled her.
Their eyes locked and refused to leave the others as they began to make love.
***
Day Thirty-Seven.
4.34 a.m.
"And then what?" she asked, voice low as she rested her chin against his shoulder, her right hand placed on his stomach and her fingertips making little circles without her mind really having anything to do with it.
She had been engaged in eager listening for the past two and a half hours, to the story of him.
"Well, Dru was weaker than ever before and I knew the cure was to be found here, so I threw her into the DeSoto and brought her where I knew she'd heal... Bleeding terrific idea, wouldn't you agree? Brought me here, brought me to you..." Spike smiled a little at the memory. "Brought me to change my whole bloody existence," he then finished. "Had I known, I never would've sodding come," he sighed and she smirked, giving him a small push with one arm before directing her eyes up at him.
"So, if you'd known this would happen you'd have chosen eternity with Drusilla?" she then asked and he raised his eyebrows as he moved his head to be able to meet her gaze.
"Don't tell me you feel threatened by that old bird," he murmured and Buffy smiled again, pulling herself up so that she could rest her head in her left hand, supported on her elbow, before she replied meaningfully:
"You didn't like me seeing Angel, did you?"
"Pet, Dru is something completely different," Spike disagreed and now it was Buffy's turn to raise her eyebrows. "When I was with Dru... I felt twice as lethal. She made me feel invincible. Strong, dangerous. She fed me her crazed fantasies and sooner than later I believed in them 'cause I bloody believed in HER. It made everything easier... Guess you could say, where Angel was kinda my mentor, Drusilla was my guiding star, my influence... my lack of conscience," he grumbled the last part and Buffy slid one hand in a comforting gesture down the side of his cheek, making him turn his gaze back in hers. "But up until now I've never known love. I've never felt it the way I feel whenever I'm near you... You make me wanna be a better man, Buffy."
She blinked, his words clearly getting to her and he smiled a little again, reaching up a hand and placing it by her cheek.
"I've never regretted any of the things I've done," he said, voice gentle but with a trace of bitterness in it, and sorrow. "I was glad that I did them 'cause God knows I would've died of boredom in London if I'd been forced to live my life that way. I had something in me that had to be freed, and Dru let it out of its cage. I loved the thrill... And that was enough for me. Now... I can't go back. And I dunno where I'm headed if I can't be what I'm made to be. I'm at a loss, Slayer."
"No," she then said, shaking her head. "Not at a loss at all," she added, moving her hand to the one of his still on her cheek and then making it so that their fingers entwined. "You have me," she stated and his eyes lit up in that extraordinary way again. "And now you have ME to believe in YOU," she said firmly. "'Cause I do," she mumbled at the taken expression on his face. "I believe in you," she then finished with more feeling and the pause that followed seemed to make the air thicken before she leaned forward and kissed him tenderly.
He returned it, his hand squeezing hers, and when she pulled back he looked almost confused before he shook his head.
"I don't understand how this can be happening," he said and she smiled at that, then grew serious as he added: "Angel told me he doesn't think I deserve you... And he's right. What did I ever do to deserve this?"
Buffy carefully loosened her fingers from his and then slid her hand up his chest to the place graced with a kiss earlier, then she answered him.
"You opened yourself up."
He looked at her for a few moments, almost in awe and with his love for her so clear in his eyes that she could feel it drill through her skin.
"Come here," he then murmured, pulling her to him and holding her in a tight embrace, her arms going around him as well.
"I want to hear more," she whispered and he smirked.
"Haven't I done enough of the talking for one night?" he inquired and she smiled as well. "I'd bloody well say so," he added before giving her shoulders an encouraging squeeze. "Your turn."
She blinked, then giggled.
"Well, first of all, before I was a Slayer I was a very normal girl," she said, drifting into memories of her childhood and she began to tell them to him.
She wasn't sure how to best reveal to him what kind of person she had been in Los Angeles before she found out who she actually was. Before she knew what she was... She had been such a careless, naïve little girl back then. Popular to boot, sure. With a posse of friends. She had been her old schools Cordelia, all be it perhaps not quiet as vile as Cordy had been to her. Well, fifteen year old Buffy Anne Summers hadn't had too many things on her mind except for boys, shoes, boys, those cute little bags with fluffy pink feathers on them, boys and how best to be elected homecoming queen. Steven Adler had been her dream date back then. A jock, her version one-point-five on the Richter scale of dead-sexy.
She giggled.
"I guess you can imagine who my version is today," she then said, the cheerfulness in her voice made him laugh as well, meeting her lips as she had pulled up to give him a deep kiss and he enjoyed it for the while it lasted before she placed herself in her previous position and continued with her story.
She told him about her first slay. How her instincts had slowly taken over and how shocked she had been. How long it had taken her to fully accept her destiny and how she then had had to cover it up from her parents. How they had split up after she burned down her high school gymnasium, which had been filled with vampires, and how her mother had decided that they should get out of L.A and move to this adorable and quiet town a few hours from the big city. Sunnydale.
"Of course, my first few days here told me exactly what kind of place this was," she said. "I had Slayer tingles down my back everywhere I went and once I began to dig into a series of inexplicable murders - caused by two odd looking puncture wounds on the victims throat as well as massive blood loss - well, then I met Giles and Xander and Willow and everything rolled on from there."
"So, which moment has been the hardest so far, as the Slayer?" he asked and she grew thoughtful.
"I think I'd have to go with feeding you your icky blood," she finally stated and he heard the playfulness in her voice, which made him tip her over and begin to tickle her fiercely.
She was screaming for mercy before he stopped and she was still laughing softly to herself as she sat up and then gave him a friendly glare. He moved one arm and slid his hand up her back, then down again before moving it to her waist and making her lie down next to him.
They looked up at the ceiling, and then Buffy said:
"One of the absolutely hardest parts about being the Slayer is having to see my friends get hurt. I mean, I know they wanna help me. I know they NEED to help me, and I'd be the same way... But every time one of them gets abducted or nearly drained or threatened by giant bugs or nearly sliced and diced I just can't help but think that it's partially my fault for getting them into that situation."
Spike was quiet for a short while and then he replied:
"But that's stupid. It's not your fault any bloody way you look at it, love. Do you think evil would rest if you didn't exist? There has to be good fighting evil, otherwise there's... nothing. What I'm trying to say is that even if you hadn't ever come to Sunnydale your friends 'd be in as much trouble. MORE, even. And how many times haven't you SAVED them? They'd probably BE abducted and drained and sliced and diced if you weren't here. I dunno 'bout the giant bugs thing, though," he finished and she smiled at his last input before she sighed.
"I suppose you're right," she muttered. "But it's still hard, you know?"
"Yeah," he grumbled, turning his head to look at her.
"You were right, though," she suddenly mumbled silently, eyes still on the ceiling. "In the end I'll be fighting alone - to protect them."
His arms glided around her as he moved to lie on his side, kissing the one of her shoulders closest to him before he murmured:
"I won't ever let you stand alone."
"Promise?" she asked, turning her head so that the tips of their noses touched and he smiled as he nodded a little. "In a way," she added, looking back at him as she continued: "you're really a blessing." He raised his eyebrows questioningly and she smiled, finishing: "I don't think anyone's ever understood me better than you do. Of course, that was one of the worst sides to you when we were sworn enemies and all... that you kept crashing into my life making all these observations about it when you weren't even an eligible part of it!"
He laughed at that.
"I'm so glad I was able to make you at least a bit uncomfortable," he then stated and she smirked, rolling him over so that she could straddle him and his eyes grew slightly as he looked up at her.
"So how big is that bad in you?" she asked, leaning forward until their chests scraped together and he bit his lower lip as he met her gaze. "How badly does it wanna surface?" she demanded and he closed his eyes as she moved her hips back and over his already throbbing erection.
"If you think you can sodding torture me into telling you anyth-..." he began, opening his eyes again and having the sentence cut short when he met her meaningful gaze as she rose to her knees and moved as though she was getting off of him.
He grabbed her hips and pulled her back down to sit on his stomach and she smiled triumphantly.
"I don't know," he answered her, practically growling, though he couldn't help but smirk at her pleased expression. "I don't know how hard I'd have to fight if the chip ever did come out..." He suddenly wavered and she furrowed her brow, about to ask him why he had gotten a look of remembering something on his face that had made her feel as though that something had to do with her when he continued: "All I can say is that I know I'd be able to control myself. And I wouldn't kill."
He knew it was true. When she said what she had earlier, as she declared her belief in something better in him, all his will to go out and hunt had scattered. He knew he would never do anything to disappoint her. Not ever. And so...
"There something I have to tell you," he said slowly, sitting up and making her move to the side of him as he faced her.
She frowned, quizzical to the gravity on his features.
"I've lied to you," he confessed and she felt like a rock began to build in the pit of her stomach.
If it was allowed to keep growing she wasn't sure if she'd ever be able to move again. A thousand premonitions of the horrible things he could say was coursing through her head. That he had been toying with her, that his emotions weren't real and that now that she had actually made it clear that he had gotten her where he wanted her he could cut her loose, that Angel had been right and that now that she was down on her knees before the bleached blonde he had already lost interest in her.
Spike could see how she was tensing up and he thought it best to get this over with as swiftly as possible.
"When you asked me what Adam had said that he'd give to me in return for my favors, I lied when I said that he'd give me money," he admitted; and the hesitant and anxious look in his eyes showed his emotions in a way she had scarcely been able to read on him before as he continued: "He promised me he'd get the chip out... I dunno why I didn't wanna tell you. I really can't explain why I didn't just tell you... I just..." He trailed off, then his gaze grew earnest as he finished: "I'm sorry."
She observed him, then she suddenly began to laugh.
He stared at her, swallowed hard and decided to wait for the outcome of this outburst.
She dried her tears nearly three minutes later, one hand clasping the aching spot of her stomach before she threw herself forward and wrapped her arms around him in a hard hug. He hugged her back, relieved but yet confused.
"Apology accepted," she whispered in his ear before she pulled back to look at him, a tentative smile forming on his mouth as well.
She was so relieved that she couldn't find words for it. He had lied, but now he had told her the truth and the fact that he had done that made it all the more obvious that she was right in trusting him.
Her eyes suddenly grew slightly.
That was the first time she had actually given voice to that thought in her head.
She did trust him. Well, of course she trusted him... falling in love with him would otherwise be completely out of the picture. But... it must have snuck up on her because she had no idea when she had started doing so. At the rather wondering look on his face she smiled once more, warmly, and then she kissed him with everything that she felt inside in that moment.
Suddenly there was the sound of something harshly throwing open the first door of the crypt and Buffy had barely enough time to grab a sheet and tumble down behind the sarcophagus before the second door flew open, and through it, filling the doorway with his shadow before taking the step inside, came Adam.
Something told Spike that the look of pure fury on the formers face did not bode well.
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Ohhh, I'm back! To a load of great reviews and I'm jumping with joy! Yay! Hehe. Thanks so much you guys! A LOT of you wrote me really long feedback this time and I hope you've forgiven me that I took my responses to them a few days later!
Thanks to everyone who wished me a good time on my vacation, I did enjoy it very much!
I'm SO SO glad that you keep enjoying and I hope I will be hearing from you once again! :) ;)
Special and warm, warm thanks to Me (Thanks a lot for those comments! I'm so glad you think so!) :), LizDarcy (*grin* GREAT that you've found your favorite chapter! ;) Really happy you liked it, girl! And thanks, as said, I did enjoy my vacation.) :), maribel (aw, girl, thanks for that! I hope I was able to recharge!) ;), Mel (Well, what ya think? Happier...?) :), Alyssa (*smiles* I'm happyhappy and thanks for the wish of fun!) :), Renee' (hey! Great to see you back, I've missed ya! Too bad it didn't show but all the better that you found it again! I'm so glad you're still liking this and thanks for those wonderful comments! Your birthday is on the same date as the birthday of one of my closest friends! Cool. And happy b-day in advance! Thanks for taking the time, girl! Means a lot!) ;), Rachel (Hey! Glad that you approve of the Spike story. And about the friends finding out... ;) Thanks, girl!) :), vuks (no, no, no, no, I definitely would not make them go back and change everything. Great that you liked the Spike part! Oh, and thanks for that huge compliment. I'd HATE to be predictable! Also, woh, you're comparing me to reading Harry Potter? Wow. That's all I can say. Wow. And I did have a good time, thanks!) ;), Xio (Thanks for that! I'm thrilled you're sticking with it still. So happy you still enjoy! And thanks, I did have a great time!) ;), phyllis (OMG! Girl, thanks a lot for that truckload of reviews! I'm so happy that you seem pleased with every chapter and I can't tell you how great it was to read all of your comments! Thanks SO much for taking the time to review every chappy! And it's more than cool that you didn't wanna get spoiled! Thank you, thank you, thank you!) :), qattaca (LOVED it that you loved it! *smiles like mad* Thanks a lot for that uplifting review, oh, Great Lake! I think I won't go swimming in you, though... You understand. :) I'll enjoy the view though!) ;), Leanne (Another that liked the Spike part, that makes me REALLY happy! Thanks, girl.) :), Caitee (THANK YOU!) ;), Jen (thanks, girl!), Erica (Thank you and thank you. *smiles* Glad you liked and I did have a GREAT time.) :), Pine (Thanks a lot for the positivity, girl. So happy that you're still liking it and I simply love it that you liked the Spike story as well as the I'm falling in love with you line! Thanks a lot, girl.) :), AngelFlyer (Thanks a lot. It's always great to hear from new readers!) :), Katalina (I can repeat what I just wrote and say it's always so amazing to reach new people and learn of it! Thanks for reviewing and say hi to your cuz from me!) :) and spikesgilmore (have to mention I totally dig that word! And now I have to say that I am so happy you liked it that much! Awesome! And I feel like a good motto to keep in mind is give the readers what they want, but make them walk the road with you. ;) Well, you know, it's no fun just running down it without catching the scenery! I hope I'm succeeding and from your review I feel like I'm on the right track! Thanks a lot!) ;) - thank you ALL and here were the personals so I hope you've come back and read them!!!
It's great to see new names up there, I noticed there were quite a few this time! Hope to see more of you and to all the regular junkies, hope this fix will last for at least a few days! *wink* ;)
A.M.L, Annie.