Three and one half months later:::
Marcus Cole wandered slowly through the Zocalo, watching everything and paying attention to nothing. His thoughts drifted back again, reliving the past few months.
Susan had started to date him after he was released from Stephen's care. They had gotten along quite well, enjoying their time together, so he thought. He could not have been happier when in a few weeks she had consented to be with him intimately. It was the most sensual thing he could ever have experienced, and the last thing he ever thought her would have, and he spent a lot of time with her. She exuded such passion and vibrancy that he hadn't a clue for a few months that anything was wrong. She had even had him move in with her on a more or less regular basis.
Then slowly, Marcus noticed small changes. Her busy schedule running the station ran into constant overtime. She was more then willing to extend her time for the most minor incident that happened. He hadn't thought anything of it until the fifth or sixth cancelled date in a row. He hadn't said a word until she hadn't even noticed that he had once disappeared for a week, not returning to the Captain's quarters.
He had tried to ask her if there was something wrong. He tried to offer his support and concern, and was met with a miffed rebuff. It came to a head a few days prior. Susan was supposed to have met him, and again the Ranger had sat alone, waiting. Finally he tracked her down, in the officer's lounge, reviewing documents with a shot of vodka.
He stalked across the busy room, unnoticed, her back to him. He tapped her on the shoulder, and she practically jumped from her skin. "Can I talk to you.in private?"
"Marcus. What are you doing here?" The surprised officer blurted out, glancing nervously at her notepad, but she made no motion to leave the bar.
He was tired of covering for her, and if she thought that staying here in public would defray his question, she was greatly mistaken this time. "Gee, I don't know, Susan. Perhaps I could still be sitting down at the restaurant, eating all their breadsticks, again." He replied, in his jaunty sarcastic way. "You know I don't mind dining alone, but when for the fifth time in two weeks I have told them that I will have a guest, and I never do, it makes them start to wonder if I am a bit looped. I don't know. What do you think?"
A flash of color crossed Susan's pale features as she realized what he was referring to. "I'm sorry, Marcus. I had a problem come up, and got involved and just, well..." She trailed off.
"Is your com link broken?"
Ivanova grabbed his arm, and drug him off toward the side. Heads had turned, as a simple question erupted into a full scaled whispered argument in the corner.
"I said I was sorry, Cole. What more do you want from me?" She hissed at him, trying to act oblivious to the show they were putting on to the other crew members.
"You could have at least called, Susan." Marcus had replied, inspecting his fingernails, in an attempt to act nonchalant.
"I forgot, Marcus."
"I can understand that once or twice, but come on Susan, this is becoming a pattern."
"Things have just been hectic around here. You know how it gets. How long have you been on this station? To know what goes on here?" She retorted accusingly.
"Do you just want to tell me something? Or are we going to keep playing this game?"
"I don't know what you mean." The icy mask dropped quickly on the Captain.
"No, I suppose you don't. I had thought you might have been a tad more considerate after all this."
"I guess I could have. Don't tell me, you never make an error in judgment. You never make a mistake." Susan planted her hands firmly on her hips.
"Perhaps I already made my largest error in judgment." He instantly regretted his words, as a wave of pain erupted in Susan's eyes. If Marcus could have bitten his own tongue off he would have.
"Well, maybe we both made a major mistake!" She yelled, anger getting the best of her. She suddenly clasped her hand over her mouth realizing that the whole of her staff had clearly heard that comment. Almost all the eyes in the establishment were focused straight on the couple.
Marcus blanched, realizing that things were on a horrible downwards spiral. He turned and fled as fast as he could without running, not noticing the glares and eyes fixated on the Captain. He collapsed against a wall outside the room trembling from head to toe, tears welling in green eyes. What had he done? How had he been so wrong?
A few hours later, he had made his way down to one of the public bars on the Zocalo. Settling into a back booth, feet propped up onto a neighboring chair, he tried to concentrate on long overdue paperwork. He faced away from the rest of the occupants; constantly afraid of being caught being brought close to the point of tears with his wild thoughts.
He heard footsteps in the hall behind him, and people settling in behind him. It would have meant nothing if he hadn't have recognized the voices as two of the female officer's who had witnessed the previous encounter. Their conversation instantly nabbed the ears of the curious Ranger.
"What do you think is going to happen between them?" Marcus heard one say. There was a shuffling as bodies and possessions were arranged in the booth.
A heavy sigh. "I don't know. I know what I would like to see.A happy ending. Knowing the Captain though, I think that is about as likely as Teeps being given Mars."
"What about the Ranger?"
"Can you believe the Captain? How can she just treat him like that? You would think she would be a lot more grateful after someone gives their life for you. Hell! If someone as nice as that Ranger would ever suck his life force for me, I would be in his debt forever. I would owe him everything. I can't even imagine being that.selfish."
"A couple of beers please." and the conversation drifted off into another direction.
Marcus sat there dumbfounded, staring at the wall. The reality of it all had hit him harder then any physical blow could have. The two women had unintentionally hit the nail on the head in their observations.
Was he simply a mercy case, and now it was becoming a duty, a chore, and she resented that? Even if Susan's willingness to see him had come from legitimate feelings to start, the pressure of owing everything to him probably gnawed at her sense of self-righteous independence. She was expected to return favor to him in the eyes of her fellows, and she knew it. That destroyed anything that could have really been there before. FUBAR. By the simple act of committing suicide for the one you loved.
No! He chided himself. Susan would never give into peer pressure like that. She wasn't one to give into what the general populous felt was correct. She would never subjugate herself to the idea of servitude. Would she? Marcus gathered his things up and headed back to his quarters for a night of troubled sleep..
It was the next day, when in the café, Susan approached him that Marcus felt his decision was made for him. In a public spectacle for the Captain, she sauntered over a smile on her face.
"Marcus."
The Ranger carefully returned her smile," What do I owe the pleasure?" He barely allowed his eyes to glance around to observe the scene around them.
"Look," She sat down across from him. "I'm sorry about last night. Call it a weak excuse, but things have been really..hard for me lately. It wasn't right of me to go off on you like that for what was my own fault." Susan searched hard in the Ranger's face for some sort of reaction or emotion. Seeing nothing she could read, Susan nervously continued. "Give me a chance to make it up to you. At least let me try."
"Answer me one thing, Susan?"
"Sure. Anything."
"Do you have feelings for me, Susan?"
Ivanova was taken aback by the question. She fumbled for an answer, then blurted out, "Of course, Marcus. Do you think I would go through all this if I didn't?"
"You know I love you. Do you love me?" He leaned closer, waiting. He just had to find out if what he feared was true.
"I care for you Marcus, more then I can tell you." Susan breathed, looking away. "Please believe me."
Marcus silently sat back, studying his heart's obsession as closely as he could. He saw it all so clearly now, as if the rose glasses had been torn from his skull. He smiled weakly and took her hand. "I know Susan. I know you do. I just had to.hear it."
"So, do you want to come over later?" She asked, squeezing his fingers. If she had seen through his mask, she didn't let on.
"I have some things to do first. Anla'Shok stuff." The Ranger choked out, clearing his throat. "I'll come by tonight. It might be late if I can make it."
Shrugging, Susan nodded. "Okay. You know how to let yourself in." She stood up, and bent over to plant a gentle kiss on his head. He trembled at the moment of tenderness. "I've got to get to work. Someone has to run this station, you know!" She smiled and spun around to head to C&C.
When the jelly had left his legs a few minutes later, Marcus made his way back to his quarters, and collapsed. He had spent the night wandering the station, debating his course of action. The Ranger had finally realized that his dreams were nothing but fantasy, and the veracity of it was tearing him up worse then anything he had ever imagined. He had earlier that day sent a private message to Delenn, requesting to be transferred from Babylon 5. His life could not be here on the space station any longer.
This morning was the last chance he had to invalidate his suspicions, and he couldn't. Nothing would ever keep him from loving Susan with every ounce of his being, not even this. He had spoken long and hard with Delenn after she had received his note and called him personally. To say she wasn't pleased was an understatement. Even from Minbar the fire that made her the strong leader she was burned through him and she raked him up one side and down the other. It took every ounce of strength and conviction he held to convince his superior that this wasn't a rash action.
He knew that all their friends had the highest hopes that they could find happiness together. It might have been possible at one time, but the moment for that had passed. He knew that while she held feelings for him, they would always be tainted with the memory of his actions. Indebtedness was apparently something Susan couldn't live with. It clouded her judgment, even when he asked for nothing from it. Perhaps she felt it was the sword of Damocles over her head.
He spent many hours contemplating whether she would be better off with the false memory of indebted love if he had died. He also labored over how he would be if his efforts had been in vain and Susan had passed beyond the veil. What reality would have transpired? The choices were limitless.
Right here right now he had to live with the choice he had made and the fallout from it. He loved her more then life itself. If his love would be a burden, then he would have to let go. If you love something, let it go. He knew deep down that she would not return to him, but he prayed for the first time in years that she would return to someone, that perhaps it might have opened a window, where he had closed a door. All he wanted ever was to make her happy.
Later that night, he had composed himself enough to face her one last time after he finished his business. His few belongings he had packed, a Whitestar arriving for him in the morning. Marcus surveyed his now empty room except for a few bags by the door. He had composed a few messages on data crystals for his close friends on the station about his sudden and unexpected departure. They would be delivered after he boarded. He would miss Stephen, his best friend he had allowed in his life. Susan's was the hardest message he composed though. He would miss this place, this bastion of the universe, but it had to be done.
Marcus had asked Delenn only that the whole thing be kept under wraps, until it was done. A new Station Ranger, Sharon Graves, would be taking his place. She was a good Ranger, he knew, having worked with her in the past. Susan would like her too. Thankfully, Delenn had given him final choice on his replacement and reluctantly agreed to his request
Marcus rang at Ivanova's quarters, a knot of dread welling up in his stomach. He made every effort to hide his unease, praying his years of training and secrecy would not fail him now. The door slid open, and Susan stood there, smiling.
"Hi Marcus." She said, motioning him inside. The Ranger silently entered. "I was just going to bed. Didn't think you were going to make it."
He ran his finger along the edge of the sofa, studying the room, drinking in everything he could of her. "I had a lot of things to finish. Sorry."
Ivanova looked at him strangely. "Didn't know they were keeping you that busy. Anything I should know about?"
Marcus smirked a moment and laughed under his breath, looking away from her. Slowly he shook his head, and replied, " No. Well nothing that I want to think about now. All in due time, Susan. Let's not deal with work tonight. Please?"
The Captain shrugged. "No problem. Hard day, eh?"
"You couldn't believe."He plopped himself down on the sofa, resting his head back.
She came around and sat next to him. "Tired?"
============Turn down the lights. Turn down the bed. Turn down these voices inside me head.=============
"Mmmmmmmmm." He moaned softly, trying to ignore a huge headache building behind his eyes. All the stress from the past few days was resurfacing into his psyche. She tentatively took his hand and stroked it gently.
"Do you want to.. You know?" Susan cautiously started to ask, running a finger over his thigh.
A shudder ran through him, as her touch sent electrifying jolts to every nerve ending. Marcus quickly grabbed her hand. He knew this wasn't a good idea. It would be in his mind akin to using her, when he was going to be gone the next day. On the other hand, he didn't want to be a mercy fuck either, and after all the events, that thought also crossed his mind. Whether it was true or not, he wanted to leave somewhat pure memories. Bringing her hand to his lips, he gazed deep into her blue eyes. "No. I just..want you to hold me. I just want to go to sleep in your arms. Just his once."
============Lay down with me, tell me no lies. Just hold me close, don't patronize. Don't patronize me.========= ===========Cause I cant make you love me, if you don't. You cant make your heart feel something it wont.====== ===========Here in the dark, in these final hours, I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power=============== ===========But you wont, No you wont. Cause I cant make you love me if you don't.=======================
He wanted to do more, but he knew he couldn't. As he nestled his head on her chest, he sighed. He listened so deeply to her heartbeat, and her soft breaths. He breathed in her essence, making every effort to imprint it on his brain. The darkness of the room was comforting. It hid the pained expression on his face as realized he would never again have even the illusion of her love. Tears slowly moistened his eyes, brimming through the closed lids, and rolling down his cheek. If Susan felt the dampness that built on her nightgown, she made no indication. Her hand just gently stroked his long hair.
===========I'll close my eyes, then I wont see The love you don't feel, when you're holding me================ ===========Morning will come, and I'll do what's right. Just give me till then to give up this fight================ ===========And I will give up this fight===========================================================
Susan had drifted to sleep easily, while Marcus lay awake. All the doubts in the world cascaded upon him. How could he leave the woman he loved with every ounce of his soul? Why had he called Delenn? Perhaps he was just reading too much into everyday events. Maybe she did love him..
No. It was his time. He had given her life, and now he had to give her freedom. It would do no good to either of them to play this charade. He had to take his penance, and that was the knowledge that Susan would never be his. Someday, she just might be able to love someone, having no guilt trips and burdens upon her anymore. The Ranger knew that his future was one alone. He would never love anyone as he did Susan. And he would not even try. It was not possible once you died for the one. She was the One.
=========Cause I can't make you love me if you don't. You cant make your heart feel something it wont.===== =========Here in the dark, in these final hours, I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power============= =========But you wont, no you wont. Cause I cant make you love me, if you don't.=====================
Marcus never did sleep, and an hour or so before Susan would normally wake, he rose up. He stood and watched her sleeping peacefully, a small smile on her face. He bent over, brushing her long hair back. From his cloak he took out a small knife, and ever so carefully cut off a lock of the rich auburn tresses. His lips brushed hers, and waves of fear and doubt passed through him once more, but he pushed them away. What was done was done.
The Ranger took a data crystal out of his pocket and set it up on the pillow beside her head. He had recorded a message for her, and her alone. There was no way to explain his actions, so he didn't even try. He expressed his undying love for her, and that he knew she would never feel the same about him as he did for her, and wished her the best in the universe and to think upon him kindly once in a while. What else could he say but the truth. He owed her that much.
Marcus Cole drank in her image one more time, barely able to breathe, and taking every ounce of control not to break down into tears. Then spinning on his heel, he glided silently out of her quarters, towards the waiting Whitestar. He knew that in another hour, the rest of his messages would be delivered by another Ranger to those he felt needed one. His job here was done.
The halls were strangely empty, even for this time of night. It was as if the station itself wanted its time with its Ranger. He smiled and patted the cool metal as he walked through the halls. This station had been such a part of his life, and death, for so many years. He was losing two lovers, in an odd sort of way. At the Whitestar, Marcus didn't even look back. That would be too hard. He greeted the Minbari crew, and went to his place in the Captain's chair. In a little over an hour, Babylon 5 would be in his history.
"Whitestar 30. Ready for departure. Permission for clearance requested. Shall I hold them?"
Lt. Corwin glanced at his monitor. He nodded at the officer across from him at one of the monitoring boards who was dealing with the flow of ships. "No. No need to hold up an Alliance ship. Give them priority. Ranger's away!"
The young blond woman opened the channel to the waiting ship. "Whitestar 30, you have been cleared for departure." She turned her attention to the next ship in the queue.
"Stop all ship movement, now!" All the attention turned when the Captain burst onto the C&C, half dressed and a frantic fire in her eyes. Captain Susan Ivanova stormed over to the lists, scanning them quickly.
"Damn it Corwin!" Ivanova yelled at the Lieutenant, slamming her hands on the control panel. "Why did you let that ship out?"
The Second stared at her in wide-eyed confusion. He was past the point of cowering from her wrath, having grown accustomed to it over the years. "Sir! That's my JOB! It was a Whitestar. I wasn't under any orders to bother with the dealing of the Alliance vessels, just the normal shipping vessels. Was there something I should have been looking for on that Whitestar?"
"Hail it, Farierez." Ivanova snapped, ignoring Corwin, turning to a dark haired woman at another console.
"I'm sorry sir. There's no response. I'm assuming they went to silent." Farierez replied, a tinge of concern in her voice as she turned her dark eyes to her superior.
Corwin stepped back into Ivanova's line of sight. "I can send out a squadron of Starfuries to intercept. .?"
"No," The Commander curtly said. A mask slid across her face, and she drifted into a long stony, silence as she watched the Whitestar accelerate into the jumpgate vortex and disappear. "No, Lt.. No need. It was my mistake." She continued to watch the blank space where the ship had disappeared for a long, long time, as the C&C continued its operations around her.
In the Whitestar, the tall, dark haired Ranger sat back in his Captain's chair. He watched the bulk form of the space station known as Babylon 5 grow smaller and smaller as they zoomed away from it. His dark green eyes shimmered with the only bit of emotion that he showed.
.
The human didn't even look at the Minbari crewmember that had distracted him. At first he said nothing, as if he didn't hear the Minbari, but right before the statement was reissued, he replied back in flawless Minbari.
Not once taking his eyes off the station, Marcus Cole issued the order that would end this part of his life forever. A lump as large as a moon rose in his throat as he choked out, in English, "Jump." Framed but for a final view in the orange ring of the jump gate, the steel mass of Babylon 5 vanished in the blaze of hyperspace
A single tear escaped from his clouded eyes, rolling slowly down his bearded face. Marcus Cole, previous Station Ranger for Babylon 5, was on his was to Tuzanor, of his own free will. He wondered if he would ever regret his decision. But what was done was done.
Marcus Cole wandered slowly through the Zocalo, watching everything and paying attention to nothing. His thoughts drifted back again, reliving the past few months.
Susan had started to date him after he was released from Stephen's care. They had gotten along quite well, enjoying their time together, so he thought. He could not have been happier when in a few weeks she had consented to be with him intimately. It was the most sensual thing he could ever have experienced, and the last thing he ever thought her would have, and he spent a lot of time with her. She exuded such passion and vibrancy that he hadn't a clue for a few months that anything was wrong. She had even had him move in with her on a more or less regular basis.
Then slowly, Marcus noticed small changes. Her busy schedule running the station ran into constant overtime. She was more then willing to extend her time for the most minor incident that happened. He hadn't thought anything of it until the fifth or sixth cancelled date in a row. He hadn't said a word until she hadn't even noticed that he had once disappeared for a week, not returning to the Captain's quarters.
He had tried to ask her if there was something wrong. He tried to offer his support and concern, and was met with a miffed rebuff. It came to a head a few days prior. Susan was supposed to have met him, and again the Ranger had sat alone, waiting. Finally he tracked her down, in the officer's lounge, reviewing documents with a shot of vodka.
He stalked across the busy room, unnoticed, her back to him. He tapped her on the shoulder, and she practically jumped from her skin. "Can I talk to you.in private?"
"Marcus. What are you doing here?" The surprised officer blurted out, glancing nervously at her notepad, but she made no motion to leave the bar.
He was tired of covering for her, and if she thought that staying here in public would defray his question, she was greatly mistaken this time. "Gee, I don't know, Susan. Perhaps I could still be sitting down at the restaurant, eating all their breadsticks, again." He replied, in his jaunty sarcastic way. "You know I don't mind dining alone, but when for the fifth time in two weeks I have told them that I will have a guest, and I never do, it makes them start to wonder if I am a bit looped. I don't know. What do you think?"
A flash of color crossed Susan's pale features as she realized what he was referring to. "I'm sorry, Marcus. I had a problem come up, and got involved and just, well..." She trailed off.
"Is your com link broken?"
Ivanova grabbed his arm, and drug him off toward the side. Heads had turned, as a simple question erupted into a full scaled whispered argument in the corner.
"I said I was sorry, Cole. What more do you want from me?" She hissed at him, trying to act oblivious to the show they were putting on to the other crew members.
"You could have at least called, Susan." Marcus had replied, inspecting his fingernails, in an attempt to act nonchalant.
"I forgot, Marcus."
"I can understand that once or twice, but come on Susan, this is becoming a pattern."
"Things have just been hectic around here. You know how it gets. How long have you been on this station? To know what goes on here?" She retorted accusingly.
"Do you just want to tell me something? Or are we going to keep playing this game?"
"I don't know what you mean." The icy mask dropped quickly on the Captain.
"No, I suppose you don't. I had thought you might have been a tad more considerate after all this."
"I guess I could have. Don't tell me, you never make an error in judgment. You never make a mistake." Susan planted her hands firmly on her hips.
"Perhaps I already made my largest error in judgment." He instantly regretted his words, as a wave of pain erupted in Susan's eyes. If Marcus could have bitten his own tongue off he would have.
"Well, maybe we both made a major mistake!" She yelled, anger getting the best of her. She suddenly clasped her hand over her mouth realizing that the whole of her staff had clearly heard that comment. Almost all the eyes in the establishment were focused straight on the couple.
Marcus blanched, realizing that things were on a horrible downwards spiral. He turned and fled as fast as he could without running, not noticing the glares and eyes fixated on the Captain. He collapsed against a wall outside the room trembling from head to toe, tears welling in green eyes. What had he done? How had he been so wrong?
A few hours later, he had made his way down to one of the public bars on the Zocalo. Settling into a back booth, feet propped up onto a neighboring chair, he tried to concentrate on long overdue paperwork. He faced away from the rest of the occupants; constantly afraid of being caught being brought close to the point of tears with his wild thoughts.
He heard footsteps in the hall behind him, and people settling in behind him. It would have meant nothing if he hadn't have recognized the voices as two of the female officer's who had witnessed the previous encounter. Their conversation instantly nabbed the ears of the curious Ranger.
"What do you think is going to happen between them?" Marcus heard one say. There was a shuffling as bodies and possessions were arranged in the booth.
A heavy sigh. "I don't know. I know what I would like to see.A happy ending. Knowing the Captain though, I think that is about as likely as Teeps being given Mars."
"What about the Ranger?"
"Can you believe the Captain? How can she just treat him like that? You would think she would be a lot more grateful after someone gives their life for you. Hell! If someone as nice as that Ranger would ever suck his life force for me, I would be in his debt forever. I would owe him everything. I can't even imagine being that.selfish."
"A couple of beers please." and the conversation drifted off into another direction.
Marcus sat there dumbfounded, staring at the wall. The reality of it all had hit him harder then any physical blow could have. The two women had unintentionally hit the nail on the head in their observations.
Was he simply a mercy case, and now it was becoming a duty, a chore, and she resented that? Even if Susan's willingness to see him had come from legitimate feelings to start, the pressure of owing everything to him probably gnawed at her sense of self-righteous independence. She was expected to return favor to him in the eyes of her fellows, and she knew it. That destroyed anything that could have really been there before. FUBAR. By the simple act of committing suicide for the one you loved.
No! He chided himself. Susan would never give into peer pressure like that. She wasn't one to give into what the general populous felt was correct. She would never subjugate herself to the idea of servitude. Would she? Marcus gathered his things up and headed back to his quarters for a night of troubled sleep..
It was the next day, when in the café, Susan approached him that Marcus felt his decision was made for him. In a public spectacle for the Captain, she sauntered over a smile on her face.
"Marcus."
The Ranger carefully returned her smile," What do I owe the pleasure?" He barely allowed his eyes to glance around to observe the scene around them.
"Look," She sat down across from him. "I'm sorry about last night. Call it a weak excuse, but things have been really..hard for me lately. It wasn't right of me to go off on you like that for what was my own fault." Susan searched hard in the Ranger's face for some sort of reaction or emotion. Seeing nothing she could read, Susan nervously continued. "Give me a chance to make it up to you. At least let me try."
"Answer me one thing, Susan?"
"Sure. Anything."
"Do you have feelings for me, Susan?"
Ivanova was taken aback by the question. She fumbled for an answer, then blurted out, "Of course, Marcus. Do you think I would go through all this if I didn't?"
"You know I love you. Do you love me?" He leaned closer, waiting. He just had to find out if what he feared was true.
"I care for you Marcus, more then I can tell you." Susan breathed, looking away. "Please believe me."
Marcus silently sat back, studying his heart's obsession as closely as he could. He saw it all so clearly now, as if the rose glasses had been torn from his skull. He smiled weakly and took her hand. "I know Susan. I know you do. I just had to.hear it."
"So, do you want to come over later?" She asked, squeezing his fingers. If she had seen through his mask, she didn't let on.
"I have some things to do first. Anla'Shok stuff." The Ranger choked out, clearing his throat. "I'll come by tonight. It might be late if I can make it."
Shrugging, Susan nodded. "Okay. You know how to let yourself in." She stood up, and bent over to plant a gentle kiss on his head. He trembled at the moment of tenderness. "I've got to get to work. Someone has to run this station, you know!" She smiled and spun around to head to C&C.
When the jelly had left his legs a few minutes later, Marcus made his way back to his quarters, and collapsed. He had spent the night wandering the station, debating his course of action. The Ranger had finally realized that his dreams were nothing but fantasy, and the veracity of it was tearing him up worse then anything he had ever imagined. He had earlier that day sent a private message to Delenn, requesting to be transferred from Babylon 5. His life could not be here on the space station any longer.
This morning was the last chance he had to invalidate his suspicions, and he couldn't. Nothing would ever keep him from loving Susan with every ounce of his being, not even this. He had spoken long and hard with Delenn after she had received his note and called him personally. To say she wasn't pleased was an understatement. Even from Minbar the fire that made her the strong leader she was burned through him and she raked him up one side and down the other. It took every ounce of strength and conviction he held to convince his superior that this wasn't a rash action.
He knew that all their friends had the highest hopes that they could find happiness together. It might have been possible at one time, but the moment for that had passed. He knew that while she held feelings for him, they would always be tainted with the memory of his actions. Indebtedness was apparently something Susan couldn't live with. It clouded her judgment, even when he asked for nothing from it. Perhaps she felt it was the sword of Damocles over her head.
He spent many hours contemplating whether she would be better off with the false memory of indebted love if he had died. He also labored over how he would be if his efforts had been in vain and Susan had passed beyond the veil. What reality would have transpired? The choices were limitless.
Right here right now he had to live with the choice he had made and the fallout from it. He loved her more then life itself. If his love would be a burden, then he would have to let go. If you love something, let it go. He knew deep down that she would not return to him, but he prayed for the first time in years that she would return to someone, that perhaps it might have opened a window, where he had closed a door. All he wanted ever was to make her happy.
Later that night, he had composed himself enough to face her one last time after he finished his business. His few belongings he had packed, a Whitestar arriving for him in the morning. Marcus surveyed his now empty room except for a few bags by the door. He had composed a few messages on data crystals for his close friends on the station about his sudden and unexpected departure. They would be delivered after he boarded. He would miss Stephen, his best friend he had allowed in his life. Susan's was the hardest message he composed though. He would miss this place, this bastion of the universe, but it had to be done.
Marcus had asked Delenn only that the whole thing be kept under wraps, until it was done. A new Station Ranger, Sharon Graves, would be taking his place. She was a good Ranger, he knew, having worked with her in the past. Susan would like her too. Thankfully, Delenn had given him final choice on his replacement and reluctantly agreed to his request
Marcus rang at Ivanova's quarters, a knot of dread welling up in his stomach. He made every effort to hide his unease, praying his years of training and secrecy would not fail him now. The door slid open, and Susan stood there, smiling.
"Hi Marcus." She said, motioning him inside. The Ranger silently entered. "I was just going to bed. Didn't think you were going to make it."
He ran his finger along the edge of the sofa, studying the room, drinking in everything he could of her. "I had a lot of things to finish. Sorry."
Ivanova looked at him strangely. "Didn't know they were keeping you that busy. Anything I should know about?"
Marcus smirked a moment and laughed under his breath, looking away from her. Slowly he shook his head, and replied, " No. Well nothing that I want to think about now. All in due time, Susan. Let's not deal with work tonight. Please?"
The Captain shrugged. "No problem. Hard day, eh?"
"You couldn't believe."He plopped himself down on the sofa, resting his head back.
She came around and sat next to him. "Tired?"
============Turn down the lights. Turn down the bed. Turn down these voices inside me head.=============
"Mmmmmmmmm." He moaned softly, trying to ignore a huge headache building behind his eyes. All the stress from the past few days was resurfacing into his psyche. She tentatively took his hand and stroked it gently.
"Do you want to.. You know?" Susan cautiously started to ask, running a finger over his thigh.
A shudder ran through him, as her touch sent electrifying jolts to every nerve ending. Marcus quickly grabbed her hand. He knew this wasn't a good idea. It would be in his mind akin to using her, when he was going to be gone the next day. On the other hand, he didn't want to be a mercy fuck either, and after all the events, that thought also crossed his mind. Whether it was true or not, he wanted to leave somewhat pure memories. Bringing her hand to his lips, he gazed deep into her blue eyes. "No. I just..want you to hold me. I just want to go to sleep in your arms. Just his once."
============Lay down with me, tell me no lies. Just hold me close, don't patronize. Don't patronize me.========= ===========Cause I cant make you love me, if you don't. You cant make your heart feel something it wont.====== ===========Here in the dark, in these final hours, I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power=============== ===========But you wont, No you wont. Cause I cant make you love me if you don't.=======================
He wanted to do more, but he knew he couldn't. As he nestled his head on her chest, he sighed. He listened so deeply to her heartbeat, and her soft breaths. He breathed in her essence, making every effort to imprint it on his brain. The darkness of the room was comforting. It hid the pained expression on his face as realized he would never again have even the illusion of her love. Tears slowly moistened his eyes, brimming through the closed lids, and rolling down his cheek. If Susan felt the dampness that built on her nightgown, she made no indication. Her hand just gently stroked his long hair.
===========I'll close my eyes, then I wont see The love you don't feel, when you're holding me================ ===========Morning will come, and I'll do what's right. Just give me till then to give up this fight================ ===========And I will give up this fight===========================================================
Susan had drifted to sleep easily, while Marcus lay awake. All the doubts in the world cascaded upon him. How could he leave the woman he loved with every ounce of his soul? Why had he called Delenn? Perhaps he was just reading too much into everyday events. Maybe she did love him..
No. It was his time. He had given her life, and now he had to give her freedom. It would do no good to either of them to play this charade. He had to take his penance, and that was the knowledge that Susan would never be his. Someday, she just might be able to love someone, having no guilt trips and burdens upon her anymore. The Ranger knew that his future was one alone. He would never love anyone as he did Susan. And he would not even try. It was not possible once you died for the one. She was the One.
=========Cause I can't make you love me if you don't. You cant make your heart feel something it wont.===== =========Here in the dark, in these final hours, I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power============= =========But you wont, no you wont. Cause I cant make you love me, if you don't.=====================
Marcus never did sleep, and an hour or so before Susan would normally wake, he rose up. He stood and watched her sleeping peacefully, a small smile on her face. He bent over, brushing her long hair back. From his cloak he took out a small knife, and ever so carefully cut off a lock of the rich auburn tresses. His lips brushed hers, and waves of fear and doubt passed through him once more, but he pushed them away. What was done was done.
The Ranger took a data crystal out of his pocket and set it up on the pillow beside her head. He had recorded a message for her, and her alone. There was no way to explain his actions, so he didn't even try. He expressed his undying love for her, and that he knew she would never feel the same about him as he did for her, and wished her the best in the universe and to think upon him kindly once in a while. What else could he say but the truth. He owed her that much.
Marcus Cole drank in her image one more time, barely able to breathe, and taking every ounce of control not to break down into tears. Then spinning on his heel, he glided silently out of her quarters, towards the waiting Whitestar. He knew that in another hour, the rest of his messages would be delivered by another Ranger to those he felt needed one. His job here was done.
The halls were strangely empty, even for this time of night. It was as if the station itself wanted its time with its Ranger. He smiled and patted the cool metal as he walked through the halls. This station had been such a part of his life, and death, for so many years. He was losing two lovers, in an odd sort of way. At the Whitestar, Marcus didn't even look back. That would be too hard. He greeted the Minbari crew, and went to his place in the Captain's chair. In a little over an hour, Babylon 5 would be in his history.
"Whitestar 30. Ready for departure. Permission for clearance requested. Shall I hold them?"
Lt. Corwin glanced at his monitor. He nodded at the officer across from him at one of the monitoring boards who was dealing with the flow of ships. "No. No need to hold up an Alliance ship. Give them priority. Ranger's away!"
The young blond woman opened the channel to the waiting ship. "Whitestar 30, you have been cleared for departure." She turned her attention to the next ship in the queue.
"Stop all ship movement, now!" All the attention turned when the Captain burst onto the C&C, half dressed and a frantic fire in her eyes. Captain Susan Ivanova stormed over to the lists, scanning them quickly.
"Damn it Corwin!" Ivanova yelled at the Lieutenant, slamming her hands on the control panel. "Why did you let that ship out?"
The Second stared at her in wide-eyed confusion. He was past the point of cowering from her wrath, having grown accustomed to it over the years. "Sir! That's my JOB! It was a Whitestar. I wasn't under any orders to bother with the dealing of the Alliance vessels, just the normal shipping vessels. Was there something I should have been looking for on that Whitestar?"
"Hail it, Farierez." Ivanova snapped, ignoring Corwin, turning to a dark haired woman at another console.
"I'm sorry sir. There's no response. I'm assuming they went to silent." Farierez replied, a tinge of concern in her voice as she turned her dark eyes to her superior.
Corwin stepped back into Ivanova's line of sight. "I can send out a squadron of Starfuries to intercept. .?"
"No," The Commander curtly said. A mask slid across her face, and she drifted into a long stony, silence as she watched the Whitestar accelerate into the jumpgate vortex and disappear. "No, Lt.. No need. It was my mistake." She continued to watch the blank space where the ship had disappeared for a long, long time, as the C&C continued its operations around her.
In the Whitestar, the tall, dark haired Ranger sat back in his Captain's chair. He watched the bulk form of the space station known as Babylon 5 grow smaller and smaller as they zoomed away from it. His dark green eyes shimmered with the only bit of emotion that he showed.
.
The human didn't even look at the Minbari crewmember that had distracted him. At first he said nothing, as if he didn't hear the Minbari, but right before the statement was reissued, he replied back in flawless Minbari.
Not once taking his eyes off the station, Marcus Cole issued the order that would end this part of his life forever. A lump as large as a moon rose in his throat as he choked out, in English, "Jump." Framed but for a final view in the orange ring of the jump gate, the steel mass of Babylon 5 vanished in the blaze of hyperspace
A single tear escaped from his clouded eyes, rolling slowly down his bearded face. Marcus Cole, previous Station Ranger for Babylon 5, was on his was to Tuzanor, of his own free will. He wondered if he would ever regret his decision. But what was done was done.