Big Brother
Chapter One
A/N: I was watching the American version of Big Brother from Canada, but I really like the show. It's highly entertaining. And, when I replace the characters with the 'doctors' from ER, it is hilarious. To me. This has been done before, but I don't care. I haven't copied anybody. So, NaNah.
Suggestion: Eat 1 pound of sugar, chew slowly, wait five minutes and then read.
Or, drink a gallon of coke.
I live for reality television.
Carter, the boy who watches no television on account of he's a snooty brat, can…be on the show. Yeah.
So, here we go. ER/Big Brother. Wish me luck.
Disclaimer: I own all. Except ER and Big Brother..
Rating: G for Good. Hee.
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^
Chapter one: Welcome to the House!
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^
*Jing-Mei was clearly not thinking when she made the announcement.*
Jing-Mei: WE are going on…Big Brother!
*Blank stares*
Jing-Mei: You know? The show? The reality show? With the house?
Susan: Huh.
Jing-Mei: Yeah. Well, I was talking to my sister, Julie Chen, ®, the host of the show. They need new recruits for the next show they were doing. So, naturally, I volunteered all of us to go on, without asking anyone's permission. No need to thank me.
Susan: Girl, How did you get through med school? Cause it certainly wasn't from being smart!
Jing-Mei: What's med school?
*Blank Stares*
Susan: You know…the school we all were supposed to go to? Where we learned to become doctors and nurses?
*Abby looks puzzled. Luka shrugs. Carter checks his white lab coat. Sure enough, he has an I.D. that says he's a doctor.*
Abby: I didn't go to med school…
Luka: Me neither
Pratt: Neither did I, and I turned out okay!
*Blank stares*
Pratt: You're right. I'm not okay. I…am a Pyromaniac.
Luka: *setting fire to the curtains* Welcome to the club!
Pratt: Yeah!
*They make a secret handshake and then Luka burns Pratt's lab coat. But Pratt doesn't stay mad. Cause he's to busy burning the medical knowledge books that are there in a hospital for decoration.*
Jing-Mei: Alright people, if I call your name, you have to come with me so we can start the game
Gallant: I thought it was a show
Jing-Mei: It is
Elizabeth: Then how is it a game?
Jing-Mei: It's a show that is a game
Gallant: So it's a game show!
Jing-Mei: No…
Elizabeth: But you said it was!
Jing-Mei: No I didn't. What I said was –
Elizabeth: What do we win?
Jing-Mei: Money.
Gallant: Anything else?
Jing-Mei: Uh, no
Gallant: What about respect? Fame? Love?
Jing-Mei: This is reality t.v. As in real life. There is no love.
Gallant: Aww…
Jing-Mei: Can it princess.
Gallant: *whimper* my young med-student ears should not have heard that filth coming from your mouth
Abby: Do I need to put a soap bar in your mouth?
Jing-Mei: No. *she sighs and reads out the list of people she thought were sane. She, as always, was wrong.*
Jing-Mei: We have: Abby, Carter, Elizabeth, Gallant, Me, Luka, Pratt, and Randi?!?
Randi: Hi. I might actually get some screen time now.
Jing-Mei: Screen time? What is this 'screen time' you speak of? I get no screen time
Abby: Cause I get it. All.
Carter: Me too!
Abby: But I get it more
Carter: No..
Abby: Yes.
Carter: No…
Abby. Yes.
Jing-Mei: If I called your name, go home, get packed, and when the 'Big Brother Bus' comes to pick you up, be ready. Okay?
All: Okay!
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^
Julie Chen: Hello. My name is Julie Chen. I am the 'host' of this show. Before we do anything, let's meet the 'houseguests'
Abby: A fun-loving easy-going gal who likes to relax and have fun. Whoops, wrong cue card. Abby is a brat who hates everything about life. I think. You can't tell 'cause she never smiles. Where did the Abby from three years ago go? She left with the show's good ratings.
Producer: Read the card, Julie!
Julie Chen: I AM!!! Gawd, can't I have an opinion?
Producer: Nobody cares about your opinions. We just want dirt on the houseguests. So smile and say 'welcome to the house Abby!'
Julie Chen: *smiles* Welcome to the house Crabby!
Producer: Abby
Julie Chen: I know what I said.
Producer: *muttering*
Julie Chen: *clears throat, smiles* Next we have…Carter! Does Carter have a first name?
Producer: No
Julie Chen: Why not?
Producer: Because….he's Carter. He just is.
Carter: King of the world. His boyish charm is sure to bring ratings for this show up. Dating depressed Abby, Carter used to get his kicks doing drugs. Now he saves lives, gives to charities and melts hearts….oh puhlease. Welcome to the show, Carter. Have fun.
Julie Chen: *fumbling with cue cards* Next is…Elizabeth! Woo hoo! …Huh? Who typed this?
Producer: Julie! What did the contract state?
Julie Chen: Read the cue cards
Producer: Hop to it!
Julie Chen: *Hop*
Elizabeth: British gal with a heart of…steel. She has a daughter named Ella and she used to have a husband named Mark. She is tough, she is fierce, she is…Elizabeth. Give her a hand.
Crowd: *cough*
Julie Chen: Or not. Fine whatever. Can I have my money now?
Producer: Finish reading the cue cards.
Julie Chen: *rolls eyes* Yessir. Next 'houseguest' is Gallant.
Gallant: Do-gooder fresh from school. He works in the army. He's a hero. He punched Pratt. He's a saint. He liked Erin Harkins. ….he's a mixed up little kid. Aw. Gallant Gallant, welcome to the house!
Julie Chen: I'm halfway through. Next is…oh Lord, my sister, Jing-Mei Chen We share nothing but the same name. Actually, we used to share the same toothbrush….
Producer: CUE CARD
Julie Chen: Right.
Jing-Mei: 'Deb' She wants to have fun. Cause, you know the song. 'Girls just wanna have funnn' Yeah. She has poor taste, dates Pratt, and skips great proportions of the show for unexplained reasons. She had a baby but couldn't keep 'em. She's a boorish fool. Sjhe killed my seamonkey! That little –
Producer: Look Julie, if you're not going to read the cards, you can go away. There are many people who can fill your spot. Jennifer Lopez was just here the other day –
Julie Chen: I'm reading the cards! I'm just adding a Julie-touch!
Producer: Nobody needs a 'Julie-Touch' they need facts. On these strangers. So just give them the facts.
Julie Chen: Alright! Now we have….Luka. *drooling*
Producer: Julie?!?
Julie Chen: *swoon*
Producer: Hello?
Julie Chen: * Drooling. Swooning. Fainting.*
Producer: *looking curiously* Uh….huh. Bring in Jennifer Lopez.
Jennifer Lopez: Hi I….*swoon.*
*Thunk.*
Producer: Kay… Olsen twins?
Mary-Kate: It is I, Ashley!
Ashley: I'm Ashley
Mary-Kate: No..
Ashley: Yeah. Check your name tattoo. Mine says Ashley.
Mary-Kate: So does mine…
Ashley: What!! What did you tell them to write?
Mary-Kate: My name…
Ashley: I hate you, Ashley!
Ashley: I hate you too, Ashley!
Julie Chen: What the hell is going on?
Jennifer Lopez: I'm the backup host
Twins: Us too!
Julie Chen: I'm okay though. So go away.
*J.Lo and the Twins leave.*
Julie Chen: I need off this show. Anyhoo, next we have Luka
Luka: Tortured Soul *Julie rips that card in half* He's the mixed personality. You know, saint, sinner…blah blah….dead family…REALLY!?!....Hmm. Oh, uh, He's from Croatia too. And he's a new self-proclaimed Pyromaniac. So, watch out, Big Brother Guests! We left some matches in the cupboard. *HeeHEE*
Julie Chen: Now we have Pratt.
Pratt: Prat. Self-Righteous attitude and some stuff. *Cue cards blow away* Yeah. He's the weird one dating my sister. Which means we could end up being sibling-in-laws…Oh *censored*. He thinks he knows everything. What he knows could fill my waist line.
Julie Chen: Finally, we have Randi!
Randi: The desk clerk who needs some attention. Spunky gal, she can't live without candy and fashion magazines. *Who Can?*
Julie Chen: *Big Smile* And those are our *counting on fingers* eight houseguests. Let the games begin.
*the houseguests have arrived. They have baggage. Lots of baggage. Personal baggage. They are standing outside the house. They look bored.*
Julie Chen: Hello houseguests.
*blank stares*
Julie Chen: That means you.
All: Oh yeah…us!
Julie Chen: When I say when, please go into the house
Carter: When you say what?
Julie Chen: When
Carter: When what?
Julie Chen: When I say so
Carter: When you say SO, we get to go into the house
Julie Chen: No, when I say when –
Carter: When will you say when?
Julie Chen: When I say so
Carter: When you say so, you will say when
Julie Chen: No, when I say when
Carter: When's that?
Julie Chen: When I decide
Carter: When's that?
Julie Chen: When I say so
Carter: When will you say so?
Julie Chen: When I say so.
Carter: So?
Julie Chen: when
Carter: When what?
Julie Chen: When NOW go in!
Carter: When?
Julie Chen: NOW!
Carter: Did you say so?
Julie Chen: YES.
Carter: When?
Julie Chen: GO IN THE *censored* HOUSE, JOHNNY!
Carter: Who the hell is Johnny?
Julie Chen: You, you idiot!
Carter: I'm Carter
Julie Chen: Okay Carter. Go in.
*Everyone goes in*
Julie Chen: Man, these people are fools….Join us next time for Big Brother MD, doc is IN the house! I'm Julie Chen. I wish I wasn't. Goodnight.
A/N: You like? Review.