Broken Wings Chapter 5: But maybe you can learn to live with them, a digimon fanfic

25.11.2002: I uploaded this chapter again, now finally the corrected version. Thanks to Ice!

Yeah, and I know that lazy me takes eternities to write new chapters. Sorry, people! I just can't seem to change it...Well, but finally we have a little bit process in the story, seems that things are getting better...although the story isn't over yet, there's still a long way to go!

Broken Wings

by Kaeera

Part Five: But maybe you can learn to live with them...

"Why are people that bad?" Kari asked, while looking out of the window of her room. Gatomon was leaning against the wall and watching her sad partner. Kari's gaze was sent outwards, over the roofs of the buildings, and in her eyes was a distant look.

"How can anyone hurt another person like that?"

The cat-digimon just shook her head. "I don't know. It's the same with evil digimon - you never know, never understand, why they are acting how they're acting."

The girl sighed. "It's always the same question, running through my mind and soul. And then I always see his scared face, how he backs away from me and tries to hide because my brother wanted to touch his shoulder. Taichi was his idol, and now he's afraid of him!"

A situation which her brother didn't take very well, she had to admit. The older boy had been deeply shocked by it and did not speak a single word on the way home.

"He will recover," Gatomon tried to assure her friend.

"Will he? I don't know. Even Veemon couldn't get through him. He's been in the hospital with Davis since yesterday, and still no sign of improvement! What else is there what we can do?" A tear glittered in her left eye and she rested her head on the cool glass of the window. Outside the sun was shining.

"The weather is so great and nobody of us can enjoy it....," Kari whispered and closed her eyes.

Why? Why? Why?

She couldn't find an answer, and like always, she felt anger dwelling in her heart, anger and a deep hatred against the man who caused all this sorrow. Kari had talked with her friends about it, and she had talked with Jun. But no matter what the others said - it didn't help against the burning hatred in her mind. And since the others felt - deep inside - the same, their words didn't help that much.

But she shouldn't hate! Instead she should be helping her friend, helping him, the victim of all this! But the question was....how? Nobody could get through him, nobody could bring him to talk.

Their only chance was Veemon, the small digimon, the only friend who might be able to get Daisuke Motomiya back.

And I? I am his friend, but I can't do anything. God, I feel so helpless! It's so frustrating!! I want to do something, I want to hug him, want to bear some of his pain, but there's not the slightest chance to do so...I hate it!

"You shouldn't do that," Gatomon suddenly said, interrupting her train of thoughts.

"What?" Confused, Hikari turned around, only to see that the cat pointed towards her hands. When the girl looked down at them, she realized that she had balled them to fists - so hard that the nails were digging into her flesh. A small drop of blood was trickling down her wrist.

"Oh. That." She opened her cramped fingers and moved them. It always happened unconsciously when she was thinking. As if her body wanted to let some of the anger out.

"I can't stop it", she admitted and stared on the small blood marks.

"It doesn't help anyone when you hurt yourself."

"It doesn't help anyone when I just sit here and do nothing," Hikari snapped.

"True, but at least you won't be injured then," Gatomon pointed out. "Imagine Daisuke comes back and wants to rely on his friends and then sees that you've hurt yourself - how will he feel? Can you support him then?"

She said nothing, just turned to the window again and stared at the city. The sky was blue, and a few green trees were colouring the grey scene of the buildings. It actually looked nice - when you had nothing to worry about. People were walking on the streets and not far away she could see children playing football. That immediately reminded her of Daisuke and his love for everything which had to do with the black and white ball.

I wonder if he will ever play football again?

I remember the time when he frequently got detentions because he was playing in the hallways of the school - he always managed to break a window or, even worse, to hit an innocent teacher.

She could see it clearly, the children were laughing wildly. Hikari stared at them and just wished that she could laugh like them, without worries. Because that would mean that nothing had happened if she could laugh like that. That would mean that Daisuke's father had never touched his son. That Daisuke was as carefree as he used to be. That he still played football and talked faster than his brain thought.
But unfortunately, our wishes never come true. And it's the hard reality we have to face. There's no other possibility.

Even if the reality might break us...

He stood in the sunlight, wind blowing and tugging at the end of his clothes. It was warm, but not hot, just so that one could feel comfortable. The boy looked around and smiled. He knew this place, knew it very well.

Behind him a small creature came nearer, with blue skin and big round eyes. It appeared to know the boy, because it greeted it with a friendly shout. "Heya Davis! How's it?"

The boy turned around, facing the small thing with big, brown eyes. "Well...," he paused, obviously at a loss of words.

Take it away it's not true it's just a memory I don't want to see it don't want to be betrayed again....

"The weather is nice, huh?" The creature plopped down on the ground besides him and stretched its face in the sun.

"Yeah, guess it is," he replied. "It's beautiful."

They both stared at the landscape, at the green grass and the trees, the wind howling in the trees and the yellow sun above them.

It isn't beautiful, I don't know what you are talking about, I don't want to see it...it's not real, I am elsewhere, I am in the hospital, I am stuck there....

"And...it's just a memory. A dream," the boy continued sadly.

The blue creature stared up at him. "But we can turn it into reality."

They looked at each other, and the gaze of him softened. "Davis, I know that it's hard. But if you and I, if we hold together, we can manage it. You just...you just can't give up.

*"Do you hear that? I know that you can do it! I know that you are stronger than that!"*

I want it....damn, and how I want it...I just want to be able to laugh again, but it hurts....

"I don't think that you are right," he replied sternly and looked away.

"How can you believe that if you haven't even tried?"

*"You can come back, to me and to your friends, and you can live again..."*

Living...again?

"It's your mind, and it's your will. If both are strong enough, you will be able to laugh again. It will be hard, and you will have to cry many hours, but I am sure that you can let it happen. But if you turn back, if you hide in a corner, you never face the actual problem - you are just running away! And running away never helps, I hope you know that. It's inside you, and it's eating you until you finally fight against it, until you face your inner demons, your fears and your memories."

Laughing...again?

"I trust you to do this, Davis. You are special. You never give up. That's why I admire you. That's why I love being your friend. There's always hope, always a spirit. You are a fighter, so fight! It's the only thing you can do, the only thing which is left, do you understand? Fight to come back to us, fight to regain your smile, fight to live a normal life again, with your sister, with your friends and with me..."

Fighting?

"I can't fight," he simply said. "I just can't."

"Why not?"

"Because every time I try, I'm frozen. I hear the screams and I see the memories. And it scares me. And I don't want to see it. I want it to go away. I want to hide and run until I don't remember anything. Because I know that there are the bad images which are haunting me. As soon as I fight, I will have to wake up and I will have to face them. I don't want to."

"Why?"

"I'm scared."

"But isn't it worth it?"

"What?"

"Living. Isn't it worth it to be afraid? Isn't it worth it to fight? Only to be able to feel the sunshine, the real sunshine, on your face again? To be able to play with your friends? To be able to talk with them, to share laughter and to share pain? To be able to visit the Digital World? To be able to go to school and meet all your friends there? If that's not worth fighting, I don't know what else."

"I think my fear is too great."

The grass under his feet moved in the warm wind, and he looked down on the green plants, smiling a bit. There were a few, small flowers, thrown into the greenness of the grass, colourful spots on the ground. One was growing right beside his right foot, a small flower with white and reddish leafs. It trembled slightly in the wind. He looked down on it, admiring the small thing.

"Davis?"

"Yes?"

"You know that it's just a dream."

"...." His smile fell and he stepped away from the flower, carefully avoiding to step on it. "Yes, I know it."

"You can't stay here."

"If I never wake up...I can stay", his voice was determined and steady, but he didn't look into the eyes of his small friend.

"And it's really what you want to do?"

I just want to fly away and forget everything....
Davis didn't reply, just walked away towards the sinking sun.
But I also want to....live....

"You know, it's pretty boring, sitting here on my own," Veemon told the silent boy and sighed. He was sitting on a chair in the hospital room, for what seemed about hours, and still no sign of life in the motionless body of his friend. It was getting on his nerves, and it made him sad. Wasn't there anything he could do?

The digimon had stayed over the whole night, had talked, had tried to hug his partner, but whatever he did, it seemed to be wrong. Physical contact was impossible, so the only chance left was his voice - and Veemon had never been a good talker. Now he could understand the haunted look in Jun's eyes.

"The most annoying thing is that I can't understand why you won't talk," he continued. "They explained it to me, but I don't understand it. Withdrawn? Is it because you are afraid? But it will only make it worse, won't it? If you don't have anyone to rely on, your fear will eat you up! It will destroy you!"

He sighed. "But then again, I'm no one to talk. I haven't suffered through this ordeal, I don't know how it feels. I can't even imagine it!"

He gulped and watched his friend. Davis was curling up in the corner of his bed, staring out of the window with wide-opened, empty brown eyes. The white covers had fallen to the ground.

Daisuke's face was pale and huge black circles were under his eyes. The boy barely slept at night, which worried everybody. He just stayed awake and stared. Stared without even moving a muscle.

A thick bandage was wrapped around his upper body, remembering everybody what his father did to him. But Davis never complained. He didn't even wince when the nurse changed the bandage, although it was always a difficult procedure, because he didn't want to be touched and tried to crawl away everytime a nurse entered.

Feeding him was another problem. Veemon had been able to watch the procedure of breakfast this morning(hidden behind the curtains), and he had to admit, procedure was really the correct word. It was like feeding a baby; the nurse would take a spoon and shove it into his mouth until Davis gulped it down. They never managed more than a few mouthfuls. If it continued like that, the boy would starve to death.

And that would be a great death, wouldn't it?

It was even worse when one remembered what a happy eater Daisuke had been. They had shared many meals, late in the evening in front of the TV, had stuffed Chips into theirs mouths while watching soccer games, playing video games or generally just annoying Jun by keeping the remote control and not letting her watch one of her stupid love movies.

Speaking of Jun, the girl seriously looked like hell. Veemon knew her for a long time now and had realised that she was indeed caring for her little brother, although she didn't show it. Now the events were putting her down; she was blaming herself for what had happened, and the loss of both parents was another stress factor. Every time when he saw her she had big black rings under her eyes and they had lost the typical, mischievous sparkle which used to glint in them. Daisuke was her only Family member left - if he died, she wouldn't survive it.

There was also the trouble with the police and the court, the case against her father and all the stuff...too much things for an 18-year-old girl. At least she was old enough that she didn't have to live with her parents anymore; nonetheless there was still the question what to do with Davis when he recovered.

If he ever recovered.

Which Veemon was seriously doubting right now.

I can't give up hope. I must try it again. He needs me.

The small creature crawled on the bed. He could see that Davis watched him out of the corner of his eye. Then his gaze fixed on a point in the room. Veemon looked into the direction, but couldn't see anything extraordinary. Davis was staring again.

He always wondered what the boy was seeing in moments like this. Was he actually watching the wall or was his mind elsewhere? Wasn't it boring after a while just to sit and, well, stare?

"Ya know, just looking won't help you," he started again. Nope. Nothing. Not even the twitching of an a muscle. "You are making it difficult, are you?" Veemon sighed.

On the outside the sun was shining. He could see a huge tree only a few meters away from the window. Green leafs moved slowly in the wind, with little sparrows sitting on small branches, chirping their monotone melody. It seemed so...unreal. As if he wasn't sitting here. As if he was just dreaming and this person in the bed wasn't *his* Davis, was a totally different person...but Veemon knew very well that this was the hard reality and that the sentence 'I wish that nothing of this had happened' didn't help at all.

The door opened slowly. He didn't turn around, just heard the soft clacking of the lock, and then footsteps of someone entering.

"Hello," came the soft greeting.

"Hello Jun," Veemon replied, still not bothering to turn around. His gaze was fixed on the boy who was fully ignoring his two visitors.

"Any improvement?" She walked towards the bed and knew at once that there *hadn't* been an improvement - Davis was as apathetic as always. Despair sank over the girl, and she couldn't shake the feeling away. What else was she supposed to do? What else could she do? She just wanted to help her brother, wanted to ease his pain....wanted to have him back!

"No improvement," the digimon shook his head. "I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault," Jun placed a hand on his shoulders, merely because touching Davis was still a great issue. It hurt to see your brother back away from your touch.

"Maybe. But that doesn't change the situation, does it?"

"No. Unfortunately not." Jun sighed. "Maybe he just...needs his time," she suggested warily. Both knew what a lame excuse it was. But both of them nodded.

It was their last hope.

"TK? Do you want to eat something?" His brother shouted from the kitchen.

Takeru Takahashi, sitting in the living room of the Ishida residence, just shook his head. "No, thanks."

He looked down on his hands. Today was the day Matt and TK usually spent together. Normally it was great, they would talk a lot and enjoy their free time. It was so rare that TK saw his brother. But today...he couldn't feel happy at all. The same with Matt.

"TK, starving to death won't help him," Matt stated, worried.

"I know. But I'm not hungry."

The older boy hesitated for a moment, and then plopped down on the sofa. "It's unimaginable, huh?" he said softly, staring out of the window.

TK continued staring on his hands. "Yeah."

"That something like that happened to a person we all liked and called friend - and we didn't notice it!" continued Matt, anger and pain visible in his eyes.

"That's one of the worst parts - that we didn't notice it," TK sighed and covered his eyes. "I know that everybody feels the same, I know that Davis didn't want us to know it and I know that he was a very good actor, but I'm still not feeling better. And Matt....even Veemon couldn't help him. His state hasn't changed a single bit, although Veemon was sitting with him the whole night! It's so frustrating - whatever we do, it doesn't seem to help!"

Matt watched the despaired face of his brother. When he looked at the younger boy, he always thought of how Jun must feeling - knowing that it was one's own father who destroyed one's brother. He shuddered when he tried to imagine this - TK at the hospital, his parents in a prison and he himself living in an orphanage. Visiting TK everyday, talking with him only to experience that he didn't reply, didn't want to be touched and suffered...suffered so much that it was unbelievable.

He was glad. Glad that this hadn't happened to his family, but at the same moment he felt guilty. Guilty that he was glad about it...it was crazy, evil, and...he didn't know what to do, what to think, what to feel.

"And I always thought that Davis was the strongest of us...." TK's voice trailed off.

"He probably was. Has been for a long time. But not even the strongest can remain strong forever. In the end, he broke."

His voice was barely above a whisper when TK looked at his brother. "Do you think that other people face the exactly same problem? Right now? Are there any other people who feel as helpless as we do? Are there other kids who have to go through....this?"

"Certainly." It hurt to say this. Certainly. Certainly there were kids who suffered like Davis; certainly there were other parents who hit their children; certainly there were other friends, sisters, brothers, and relatives who waited, and waited, and waited, hoping that this kid might regain its soul.

Like Jun did. Like TK did. Like he did.

Why was the world that cruel?

Where was the so-called God, the almighty, who loved all his children?

If he loved them, why didn't he help Davis?

Matt snorted. Probably because there was none.

Suddenly TK stood up. He walked to the radio and switched it on. Soft music filled the room.
"We won't give up," he whispered. determined, an bitter glint in his blue eyes.

He says that I am worthless

He knew that he was there. He was always there. In this room. In this bed. He could see himself. Could see himself sitting in this bed. Sometimes persons entered. And left. Sometimes people did things with him. He didn't really feel it. It was weird. And all the things around him seemed to be...unimportant. He could sit there for hours. And stare. He wouldn't mind.
Sometimes he noticed particular things. Then he heard what they were saying. Could understand the sentences. Could understand what they were meaning. It took time, but he could do it.

He hates me

Talking was...unimportant, too. He didn't need it. To be honest, he was a little bit afraid of it. Talking, that meant the people in his room would answer him. And he would listen. Then the memories would come back. He didn't want to have them back. They were bad. Bad memories. They made him cry. They frightened him. They hurt.

He hits me

Voices kept nagging him. Dreams kept following him. And he couldn't help but notice that a new person was in his room. No, not a person. Something else. It was blue

At first he had thought that it was a doll. But it had started talking. It had moved. So it couldn't be a doll. What else?

He says I'm weak

He listened. Always. Because sometimes memories came with these words. Memories and dreams. Pleasant dreams. Not bad ones. When the blue thing was there, he felt safer. And he felt a little bit like talking. Like opening his mouth and moving his tongue and...speak. Words. Syllabi. Sounds.
But whatever he tried, his mouth wouldn't open, even if he wanted to. It was closed. Closed for always. Not?

Confusing thoughts, confusing dreams...and then the blue thing, sitting on his bed and looking at him with big, hopeful eyes. Telling him stories. Telling him important things. It helped him. It brought beautiful dreams.

It said nice things, the little blue things. To him. To Davis. Was he Davis? Was Davis him? He didn't know. He had forgotten it. Somehow, somewhere. It didn't matter, did it?

The words touched something inside him. Maybe the Davis-part of him. Yeah, maybe there was a Davis part inside of him, who knew the creature. Maybe this Davis could speak. Maybe he could....

But I am afraid, I don't want to wake up, because then...then...then I have to face the memories, and I can't do that! I will break down, I will hurt, I will...

And then I want to speak, want to...to...live....to...do...something.....

Broken Wings
Feathers lying on the ground
Clouds darkening the sky

Crying bloody tears
coloring the ground in a deep shade of red
Pictures haunting your mind
White feathers in the red pool of blood
Sunrays breaking through the clouds
Birds chirping softly in the trees
Straightening his wings
And trying to fly

Failing
and landing on the ground again
But never giving up
Never stopping
Trying to learn

Trying to live with them

Later:

Jun had fallen asleep on the covers. Head in her arms, she was snoring softly, Veemon beside her. He didn't move, for he didn't want to wake her up. The girl had a huge lack of sleep, and she needed her rest. He himself didn't feel tired at all.

The silence in the room was overwhelming. As the minutes passed, he felt like screaming and storming out of the room. It was just....so unused. It was never silent, there was always someone who talked, or there was the radio, or noises came from outside through the open window or there were the sounds of a video game...but all he could hear in this hospital room was an occasional chirp of the sparrows.

Veemon began to hum softly, not being able to bear the silence any longer. And then he started talking. Again.

"I think it's pretty mean of you...just going away and leaving the rest of us stuck in this place", as always, there wasn't a reply, not even the smallest reaction. "I said it before, you were never the person to run away. You never left the people who needed you. Now you need us to help you, so why won't you let us? We can't help you if you won't talk. We can't do anything, and that's really frustrating. It's the same when you play football and you can only watch how the others score a goal, because you are too far away to reach them in time and to prevent it. It makes you angry, and it makes you sad."

The digimon took a deep breath. "And that's exactly what I am feeling right now. You are in my reach, you are in front of me, but I can't help you because your mind is too far away - I am not able to be there in time. I just see your body, can talk with you and hope that some of my words reach the person who used to be my friend."

He was merely talking with himself now, not even looking at the boy, but staring out of the window. The sparrows were still in the tree. A small smile crept on his lips. "I remember the times when everything was okay. When you and I used to do everything together. When you came and found me in the Digital World, where I met you for the first time. We were friends immediately, weren't we? We shared everything. And we were a good team in fighting; you and your spirit which let me digivolve. Hell, do you remember the numerous nights in which we stayed up late only to eat candy and in the morning we were both sick?" He laughed slightly.

If he had turned his head, he would have seen the quick movement of Davis's eyes, a look of....recognition in them. But Veemon just looked out of the window and continued to talk to himself.

"It felt so terrible, but it wasn't that bad, because we both were sick and so we could stay together. Even while vomiting in the toilet. And when the thing with your father started....things got worse, but we still had our bright moments which we enjoyed.You didn't allow me to hurt him, and all I could do was watching while he hurt you and made you cry. It hurt me. But after it, you'd come to me for support. Until *it* happened, until you started believing him."

Veemon hesitated. Sunrays were falling into the room, leaving yellow golden marks on the ground. "Believing him was the worst part of it; you believed him when he told you that you were worthless. And you thought that you wouldn't....earn living. And that the beatings were the correct punishment. But it wasn't. It never is, Davis. Hurting another person is never right, believe me."

"I don't know why you started sending me away. I don't understand it. And to be honest, I don't *want* to understand it. What I want is you. What I want is that you trust me. Me and your friends. Your sister. We miss you. Although your life has been the living hell over the past months, it will get better now. It's over, your father is arrested and will never hurt you again. You can live, Davis! You can go out with your friends, you can...play football, you can do so many things! Don't give up your life, because it has just begun...."

The blue creature sniffed. "I'm sounding pretty pathetic, aren't I?" He turned towards the boy. "As if it helped, the talking..."

And then he blinked. There was something else in the eyes of his friend. Something which hadn't been there before. Veemon had so gotten used to the dull, lifeless brown eyes that he couldn't figure out what it was - but then it hit him. There was....something....inside. Call it soul, could it spirit, but it was definitely there. A small glint of life. A small piece of the old Daisuke.

"Davis?" He asked hopefully, almost dreading the answer.

The boy tilted his head. Slowly and with a croaking voice the words came out of his mouth.

"The birds are singing." He gazed at Veemon and then at the sparrows. A look of confusion and pain crossed his face.

"Davis..." Veemon whispered, both shocked and happy. "You talked..." It was so good to hear his voice again. To hear the familiar voice he loved and admired, to see these eyes and actually seeing Daisuke Motomiya, not any...empty window. Okay, he looked frightened and lost, but he had talked, and that was at least a beginning - it meant that he had started fighting against it!

The digimon wiped a tear away. "Welcome back."

Davis stared at him, confused, and then relieved. "Veemon?" The question, although unspoken, was clearly evident at the tone of his voice.

"You are in the hospital," Veemon answered, patting his hand. For the first time in ages the boy didn't flinch. "They brought you here after....after he hurt you. You are safe now. They sent him to prison."

His eyes clouded as he remembered the events. "Oh." Then his gaze shifted towards the sleeping form of Jun. His fingers slowly touched her tired face.

"She was here for the whole time," Veemon told him softly. "She worried herself sick about you."

Davis didn't reply, just tilted his head again and stared at the sparrows. Their chirping was getting louder, obviously they were fighting about something. "They are singing", he spoke, as if unused to using of his voice - well, he was.

Veemon just smiled at him and plopped himself on the bed. "Yes," he replied and then they fell silent, again. The two looked out of the window, watching the sun go down until her last rays disappeared and the room sank into darkness.

Broken Wings
were meant to fly
you can never heal them

but maybe you can learn to live with them

To be continued....

Yeah, it isn't over yet. I have some things planned for this maybe, so prepare for some more drama stuff *snickers* And again I have to repeat how incredibly sorry I am - I really take very long for my chapters. But you must understand: I'm playing in three orchestras now, I have school and projects, I'm giving extra lessons to a student and I always have my problems with English expressions...*sighs* I try to improve, but I really can't promise anything. Sorry.

~Kaeera