Yes, I know that I'm late - again. Real life caught me in its mess, and then I started writing a LotR fic which was quite a stupid idea, considered that I haven't the time for it. However, strangely the progress for my LotR fic is much better than for this story, and therefore I'm really very sorry. I won't abandon it, but chapter updates won't come regularly or quickly. I'm just a lame writer *sighs*

Not much happens in this chapter, just more angst. Hm. I have to change this sometimes, for I don't want to end this story in a monster project. Maybe I'll manage a kind of showdown in the next chapter....

Broken Wings

by Kaeera

Chapter Eight: Fighting, Talking and lots of Confusion


Three Days later:

"You're well aware of the fact that it can't stay like this forever," Mrs Seto pointed out. "You have to go to school again, or else you don't have any chances."

"I know," Jun's expression was painful. "I know how important school is, especially now, and I *really* want to finish it...but not now! He needs me, I can't go to school and leave him alone like that!"

The social worker sighed and played with the pen in her hand. "Jun....that's another thing he has to learn. He can't depend on you. He must learn to stand on his own legs. It will help you both; you can go back to normal life and he has to deal with the fact that not always there will be someone there for him."

"How can you say that?" the girl shouted angrily. "It's far too soon for that! Hell, he barely started talking!"

"But he won't recover during the next two days, Miss Motomiya!" the elderly woman shoved her glasses up her nose. "It will take him months or even years! Do you want to stay with him all the time? You will miss so much during school, and this year will be your final year! If you want to be able to live on your own, you need an own job, and you'll only get a good job with a good education!"

Jun took a deep sigh and closed her eyes. She knew that the woman was right, and in fact, she wanted to do this....wanted to go back to school and pretend, at least for a few hours a day, that her life was totally normal.

But she felt guilty for this; Daisuke didn't have the chance to do this, and it seemed unfair if she returned to the normal life while he was unable to sleep one single night without nightmares.

Mrs Seto's eyes softened. "I can fully understand what you're feeling, Miss. Really, I can do. But scarifying yourself to your brother won't help matters at all. He needs to learn how to deal with this, and he can only learn it on his own. It may sound cruel, but it will help. When he sees that you are able to have a normal life again, he will want to achieve this goal, too, and will probably work with more effort and co-operation."

"It seems....unfair," Jun looked away, her spiky hair falling into her eyes.

"Life is never fair," the woman smiled, "But we have to make the best out of it. Can I call your school now and tell them that you're returning next week?"

A silent nod was her only answer.

**************

It was raining outside.

Daisuke peered out of the window and let out a small sigh as he saw the raindrops which were splashing against the glass. The weather was perfect for his mood. Although it wasn't even late afternoon, it was dark on the outside and the cars were forced to drive with the lights on. The constant sound of the raindrops was somewhat calming, a melody that could sing you to sleep.

The boy stared out of the window, a sleeping Veemon by his side. The last days had been so confusing, and he didn't know what to think anymore.

The conversations with the doctor, his friends, talking with him, Jun, always by his side - and he, in the middle, confused, alone, frightened. Never mind what he did, he couldn't get the images of his father out of his head. They were always there, buried somewhere in his brain and every time he felt the tiniest bit of joy, they would come back and haunt him.

He closed his eyes and listened to the sound of the raindrops. What was he supposed to do? He was screwed. He was destroyed. There was nothing left of the old Daisuke Motomiya anymore!

Unconsciously his hand wandered to the bandage wrapped around his chest. The stabbing wound still hurt at night, but it had become better. The doctor was always saying that Davis was healing really fast and that he would soon be able to leave the hospital.

Now Daisuke just wasn't sure if he wanted to leave. Was he ready to go to the outer world again? Was he ready to face other people? To live normally?

He didn't know.

Everybody was so nice to him. As if this had never happened. As if he was still the old Daisuke...but even the old Daisuke had been a fake. How long ago had it started? When had he changed? The boy couldn't remember. One year? Or maybe even two? He had no idea, and quite frankly, he couldn't care less. It had happened. And it couldn't be changed.

He just waited for the day when they would finally realise that he wasn't his old self anymore. When they would turn back and spit at him because he was such a loser. Because he wasn't the strong boy he used to be, but a weakling, a whim, a small, frightened child. What use did he have? He had been the leader of the Digidestined, had fought against the evils of the Digital World....and now he couldn't even fight against the evil in his own heart.

Daisuke had never been strong. Or brave. He had merely rushed into things, trying to impress the others, trying to appear strong....while on the inside he was crying.

"They always thought that I was brave," he mumbled to himself, "But in the end it was just a desperate wish to please others!"

He sighed and looked away, gazing at the sleeping form of Veemon. The tiny guy seemed to be despaired by his attitude, and Davis felt sorry for him. The digimon was really trying to help him and to be his friend, but he didn't know how to respond. Talking seemed to be incredibly difficult.

Deciding that the air was growing too thick in his small hospital room, he stood up and opened the window. Cold wind blew into his face, along with a few raindrops, but he didn't back away. Instead he gazed on the outside, watching the empty streets with his brown eyes.

"Who am I?" Daisuke whispered and put his hand in the rain. The cold water splashed on his skin, rolling down and forming a small puddle in the middle of his palm.

"Who is the boy in this hospital room?" As if he was in trance he stared at his hand, wishing for an answer, but found none. "I'm not the one I used to be. I am different. I have changed.....How can I live with that? I lost myself..."

He closed his eyes in pain as the image of his father popped into his head. Shouting at him. Hating him. Beating him.

Why?

He couldn't remember how often he had asked himself this simple question. And yet he had never found the answer. Because his father hated him? But a father was supposed to love his child....Because he wanted to discipline him? Then why the evil glint of pleasure in his eyes every time he hurt his son?

When Daisuke had asked the others, they had answered him. Different answers. And all said the same. That it wasn't his fault. That none of this had been his fault. That his father was the one to blame.

He wanted to believe them, he really did! Because he knew that he would never be able to lead a normal life again when he believed that he was weak and useless, and that his father had been right to injure him.

Why did it have to be so difficult? Why couldn't life be easy?

Daisuke balled his fist, and the water seeped through his fingers. A single tear rolled down his cheek, leaving a silvery trace on the pale face. Angrily the boy wiped it away. No! He had cried often enough during the past days, he wouldn't do that anymore!

I can't give up...

How often had he told this sentence to others? Back in the time when his life had been normal? How often had he promised himself that he would never give up? Countless times. And he had never given up hope. It had been *him* who had believed in Ken while the others still thought of him as evil. It had been him who hadn't given up hope while fighting MaloMyotismon. Daisuke had learned that there was always a way, no matter what.

Now, he wasn't so sure anymore.

He had seen his sister. Had watched how she spent nearly all her time with him, and how lost she looked. She had nobody. Not even him. He couldn't support here, couldn't go over and give the older girl a hug. He just....couldn't. It was painful enough when the doctor touched him, the memories crashing down on him like nightmares.

Jun was living at the orphanage. He couldn't imagine that. His sister - at an orphanage?

And yet she didn't hate it. She had told him that she had found a friend, and that it really wasn't that bad. He would find friends easily if he would be cleared from hospital.

But I don't want to live at an orphanage!

Would he have to change school then? Would he never see his friends again? And what about soccer? It cost money, and he doubted that the orphanage would pay him that...

Could he even go back to school? Daisuke stared aimlessly out of the window, his hand still out in the cold rain. The idea of sitting in a classroom with his classmates seemed so strange, so normal...and yet frightening. The others would look at him and point with their fingers, probably laugh at him behind his back. He could already imagine their conversations, whispered, so that the teacher wouldn't be able to hear them.

"And his father beat the crap put of him, can you imagine?"

"No way! What did he do?"

"I have no idea, but it must have been bad. He's living at an orphanage now!!"

"Eeep!"

Daisuke shook his head. No, he wasn't ready to listen to this. The boy who once enjoyed every second of attention, now felt how his self-consciousness faded into nothingness. It was extremely frustrating.

Why bother thinking about it? They will probably never let me attend a normal school again...B'cause I'm a mental nutcase, a psycho, a totally screwed person.

Slowly he pulled his hand back and held it in front of his chest. It was dripping wet and frozen to the bones, but he didn't mind. Once more he took a deep breath out of the rain filled air, then he closed the window. It was time to talk to the doctor. Again.

*************

Later:

"What am I supposed to do?" he asked politely, his blue hair neatly combed and an air of concern in his face.

Dr.Katashi, psychologist of the Odaiba Hospital, smiled back at him. She had immediately liked the boy and was quite certain that he would be able to help her current patient.

"Well, Ken," she started, "Would you say that you're a good friend of Davis?"

"Yes, I am," he answered, confused. "Why do you ask? And why am *I* the only one allowed to visit him today?" The former digimon kaiser didn't understand this. Over the past few days, a small group had always been allowed to visit their friend, but today only he had gotten the permission. It seemed rather odd.

"Because," the woman smiled slightly, "I need your help." She nodded towards the door. "Let's go to the cafeteria to discuss this."

Ken cast a confused glance at her once more, but saw no other choice but to follow. He desperately wanted to help his friend, and this woman was an experienced doctor, so she probably knew what she was doing. So the boy followed her through the corridors and up the staircase into the small cafeteria where they had met Jun a few days ago.

Only a few days, and it seems like an eternity...

He shook his head. It wasn't that long ago when he had thought that Davis was leading a normal life without any problems. In fact, he had been jealous of his friend sometimes, who seemed to take everything so easy. He was never shy, always brave and standing in the middle of attention, while he, Ken, liked to hide himself...

And now he had to realise that it had all been a fake. A lie. The guilt was weighing him down, gnawing away at his very soul.

Dr.Katashi motioned him to sit down and he did as he was told. The cafeteria was empty at this time of the day, only a single nurse drinking coffee at the other end of the room.

"Your friends told me," the doctor explained, "That you are Daisuke's best friend. Is that right?"

Ken laughed hoarsely. "Well, I thought I was. Until I realised that I hadn't noticed what was going on...what a great friend I was!"

She shook her head. "Don't think like that. He didn't want you to know, and believe me, it's hard to notice it, especially when the victim himself wants to hide the truth. Even trained people, doctors and social workers, can't recognize the signs of child abuse! You can't wail in self-guilt now, because your friend needs you. I only allowed you to come because you seem to know him the best, you two seem to share the strongest bond."

Ken closed his eyes and sighed. "I...He...Davis and I, we had quite a rough past and he did something very...good for me. He trusted me, although I didn't trust myself, and I will be forever grateful for that."

Dr. Katashi nodded satisfied. "I thought as much. Have you have talked with him for the past few days?"

"Yes, but he doesn't reply...I mean, he replies, yes, but only short answers, like Yes and No. It's never a real conversation," Ken shook his head, "I tried to tell him that we all will help him through this, that he isn't alone, but...he just drew back and looked out of the window, totally ignoring me."

"He doesn't want to accept your friendship."

Ken looked up, hurt evident in his eyes. "But why?" he whispered. "Because we betrayed him? Because we didn't help him sooner...?"

"No!" she quickly interjected, "Not because of that. It has another reason, and that's why I'm having this conversation with you right now. You should know it, so that you can help Daisuke. I need you, because he will trust you more than me - after all I am a stranger." The doctor took a deep breath, searching for the right words. "I don't believe that he acts like that because he accuses you. It's merely the other way round. Ken, during my years in several hospitals I have seen many cases of child abuse. A common after effect is that the children blame themselves for everything that has happened, and that they feel ashamed."

"Ashamed?" the boy couldn't believe it. "But why? They didn't hit themselves, it was..."

Dr. Katashi raised her hand. "I know. For us, it seems illogical, but believe me, for them it makes perfect sense. In Daisuke's case I would say that he couldn't accept the fact that his father did this out of cruelty - because that would mean that he didn't love him. So he blames himself, keeps telling himself that he's useless and weak, stuff like that. Therefore, he hates talking with you, because he thinks that you will turn away from him."

"I would never do that!" Ken protested, "Even if he had never started talking again, I would have stayed his friend!"

The woman in front of him smiled. "I'm glad to hear that. But you don't need to tell me, tell it to him!"

Ken wanted to get up immediately, but was held back by the doctor. "Wait! I haven't told you everything yet," she pulled him softly back to his chair. "That's not the only reason he's acting so strange. He has changed. And he doesn't know how to live with that."

"I don't understand..."

She folded her hands, searching for a good example. "Well, if you wake up one day in a hospital and realise that your whole world crashed....that you are hurt, and that you can't sleep properly because your dreams are haunted with pictures of a person you used to love...that you aren't able to laugh freely anymore, or to touch another person...what would you think?"

For a few seconds it was silent between them. Then Dr. Katashi continued in a softer voice. "Suddenly you realise that you aren't yourself anymore, that you are afraid of seemingly normal things. You notice that your whole life, as it was, has been thrown overboard and that you couldn't do anything against it. And of course, you will wonder: Who am I? Who is this new person inside of me? Because the old person died somewhere on the way, and left a confused and frightened soul which has yet to find its own way. This happened to Daisuke, and now he's afraid. He's afraid that you, all of you, is expecting his old self. And that you will go away as soon as you recognise the changes."

"I just....we...." Ken didn't know what to say. He had never viewed the whole thing out of this point of view. "I noticed that he has changed, but we wanted to help him through it...as friends."

Dr. Katashi nodded. "And now tell me, what will you do if this change is permanent?"

The question hung in the air. Ken had to admit that he had never thought of this possibility, but now it seemed quite obvious. What would he do if his cheerful friend never came back? If Davis stayed like that...dependant...scared of his own shadow and so unlike his former self. Would he still be able to keep to him, to talk with him?

But I know Davis...he never gives up, and I know that he can manage this. He's strong, even when he doesn't want to believe it.

Ken shook his head, his voice barely a whisper. "He won't." With determined eyes he stared at the doctor.

"But it's a possibility," she retorted calmly.

"If this comes true, I will stay his friend. He deserves it, and I will never let a friend down. But...." his gaze hardened. "He will learn how to laugh again, I'm sure. I know Davis. I may not have known of this ordeal, but I have seen how strong he can be. If one can remain in high spirits, it is him. I trust him. I trust him that he can learn how to live with the help of his friends. Of me." He closed his eyes. "I won't even think of another possibility!"

"Very well," she clapped her hands together. "I don't know if this decision is very wise, but it's certainly a decision of a trusting friend, and therefore I'm very glad. Now you just have to tell this to *him*, for he won't believe me."

Ken cocked his head. "Was that all you wanted to tell me?"

"Yes. For now. We will certainly have some more conversations during the near future. I suggest you go to your friend now," Dr. Katashi smiled once more at him.

"I will do so," the boy stood up, feeling slightly overwhelmed by the conversation he had just held.

"Talk with him. And try to bring him on different thoughts. It will help. Be a friend. Not an advisor. Just a friend!"

He glanced at her, not sure what to make of this statement, but the woman just continued to smile and didn't offer further explanation, so Ken shrugged his shoulders and walked off. He went through the corridors of the hospitals, feeling an inward hatred towards this place which had caused his friend so much pain, although he knew very well how irrational this was.

With a sigh he turned around a corner and found himself in front of the door of Daisuke's room. Softly he knocked, hoping that this visit would help the begoggled boy at least a little bit.

The first thing he noticed was the open window. It was cold in the room, and rain splashed on the ground from the outside. Daisuke stood in front of the window, head in the rain and eyes closed, as the water trickled down his neck.

For a moment, Ken was frozen in both surprise and shock. What was he doing there? He surely wouldn't...no, he wouldn't dare, would he?

Quickly he paced through the room, fear gripping his heart, and grabbed the other boy by his shoulders. Daisuke yelped startled and backed away.

"Wha...leggo!" he shouted and struggled against the grip, until he realised that it was Ken. He relaxed a bit and glanced at his friend accusingly.

"What was that for?"

"You were...." Ken started, but couldn't speak out his fears that Davis had been on the verge of jumping out of the window. "You were standing in the cold and..." his glance trailed down the lanky body of his friend. "You're all soaked! What were you thinking?"

Daisuke turned away. "I just wanted to feel the air. I wanted to feel that I am still alive. Being in this room is like being in prison. I just...." he shook his head. "Never mind. You won't understand."

"Try me," Ken said softly, despaired that his friend was again turning him down.

"No," was the whispered reply. "I can't even understand myself!"

"You are confused, but that's normal," the indigo haired boy hesitated, remembering what the psychologist had told him. "Daisuke, always remember that you're not alone. I'll always be here for you, and I don't care if you have changed. You are my friend."

The boy stiffened and turned away. "I'm not your friend anymore," he croaked.

"Of course you are!"

"NO!" Daisuke nearly shouted and looked at him with angry eyes. "Don't you see it, Ken Ichijouji? I'm not myself anymore! I have changed! The old Daisuke Motomiya died, the person who was your friend has DISAPPEARED! There's nothing left, just...me..." he covered his eyes. "Just a pathetic whim, uncertain of himself. So don't talk like that! How can you be my friend if you don't even know me?"

"I know you," Ken said firmly, forcing Davis to look at him. "Look at me!"

At first Daisuke cast his eyes downward. Ken put one hand under his chin until the brown eyes met his. "Look at me, Davis," he repeated softly. "I know you. And believe me, you are still the old Daisuke Motomiya. You are scared, you are frightened and you feel lost. But I see the same old sparkle in your eyes; the same old temper, the same energy, the same stubborness. It's there, but it's hidden under your confusion and your sadness. But it *is* there!"

Silence fell over them, and then a single tear rolled down Daisuke's cheek. "You don't understand..." he whispered, as if it was his own little mantra. "You don't know how it is...how it feels at nights...the despair....the pain....the hopelessness...."

"Then make me understand!" Ken shouted desperate. "Please, Davis! Make me understand, so that I can help you! Tell me what bothers you!"

Daisuke took a deep breath and then brushed the boy's hand away that was still lying on his shoulder. Tears were running freely down his cheeks now. "You want to understand?" he yelled, half angry, half sad. "You want to understand how it feels? It is the HELL, Ken! Sometimes I wake up at night time, thinking that he came back to punish me! I feel like crying, all the time, because I don't know what to think anymore! I'm divided into two parts...and...and....every part has its own opinion..."

He ran a hand through his dishevelled brown hair. "Then I have to talk to this stupid doctor, and she seems to be able to look right into my soul! I don't want to talk about what had happened, I want...I want to leave it behind..."

The boy sniffed and stared with wide, haunted eyes at his friend. "Sometimes I scare myself. Sometimes I stand up and want to end it all. Then I'm like in a trance, I can't think clearly. I found myself staring at the butter knife, dreaming of CUTTING MY WRISTS! I couldn't remember how I got there, and it scared me. I never thought of suicide before, and now I'm dreaming about it every night!! I'm afraid that I will do something stupid....I can't even have a normal conversation without having a nervous breakdown. When people touch me, I just...freak out and want to run away! I'm totally SCREWED and I KNOW it!!!!!" His eyes were full of tears as he spat out these last words.

Ken stood in shock. Daisuke had been thinking of killing himself? He shook his head. It had come so far...

"You are not screwed," he then opposed, sincerity shining in his eyes.

Daisuke just shook his head, not believing him, so Ken continued. "Screwed people don't know that they are screwed. Your behaviour is normal - everybody would feel like that after such a treatment. Do you think we would act differently? The hell, if I....if my father....I guess I would have never talked again!! I mean, you managed it so far...you talked, you are able to touch people at least a little bit...All these little steps... don't they mean anything to you?"

He searched for the right words. "I mean...it is difficult. Very difficult. And we will never be able to fully understand what you are experiencing. But we will be by your side, no matter what happens. You have to believe me! You would make us very sad if you killed yourself - especially your sister! I think she wouldn't survive it; you're the only one who's left of her family."

Daisuke plopped down on the bed and closed his eyes. Oh, how he wanted to believe these words....how he wanted to believe that everything would be okay, that he still had friends and that he - somehow - could regain his old self! But...

You are different. You are another person. You aren't Daisuke anymore. Daisuke has died. Has left this world. There is no digihero. There is no soccer maniac. There's just me...

"Maybe Daisuke would have managed that...but not me," he whispered into the pillow, back turned to Ken. "I don't even know who I am. I have lost myself! How can I ever live again if I have lost myself???"

The question hung in the air, and Ken couldn't find an answer. He hated himself for that, but he was just...clueless. If Davis felt like that...then how could he find out? How could he remember?

"I can't find an answer on this question," he said honestly after a few minutes of silence. "But I don't believe that you have lost yourself. There are still some parts of the same old Daisuke left; you just need to find them. You still have your strength. And I will prove it to you!" Ken spoke with more firmness than he felt, but he needed to bring Daisuke out of his self-destructing depression.

Silence hung over the room like a thick blanket. Just the sniffling of the brown-haired boy could be heard - a boy who had once been so optimistic, so full of life and so sure of himself. And in this silence, Ken promised himself that he would give everything to help his friend to regain this attitude. For you truly only knew the true value of what you possessed after you had lost it. They had lost a precious friend, and he was determined to find him again.

To be continued....

Dejitaru Yami - New name, huh? I like it^^ The funny thing is that I'm usually not depressed when I write angst...to be quite honest, I'm rarely depressed. I just get caught up in the story and well....I don't really see what I'm writing anymore *shrugs*

Jakane - I will certainly keep this story going...but the chapters will take long. *sheepish grin* I'm sorry, but right now my life is totally busy, and the fact that I have discovered the LotR fandom isn't helping one bit...I don't know if this will be a Daikari. I don't think that Daisuke is ready to fall in love yet. Maybe in a sequel :p (if I'm ever writing one, that's it!)

Gato Goddess - I'm glad that you liked it that much! Thanks for the review...and of course I'll let you know when I update!

SnowTiger - On good reviews I always give comments, unless I'm very, very busy :P Ah yes....the plot is building and I don't know how to continue *sighs* Terrible thing....

Shiroi Taiyou - Hey, I like TaiJun, too, so I won't laugh. I think they fit together very well...but I have no idea if I will include any romance in this fic. I can't write it...maybe a few hints or so, but that's all.