Things had gotten complicated then, Mystique had come to his tent in Jean's
form and his hormones didn't even allow him to register that the scent
wasn't Jeans, that it was her. He'd probably wanted to fool himself but
when he had known, had felt the scars on her stomach she had shifted and
that was when everything changed. He prayed she hadn't noticed, prayed that
some sense of intuition hadn't prompted her to take Maries form. But it was
when he had found Marie lying on top of him that it hit him. How much he
wanted her, desired her, how he wanted to kiss her and hold her and never
let her go. He wanted to take her there, claim her and mark her as his own
and his pants had suddenly tightened and he had thrown Mystique off of him,
he hadn't wanted her to know, hadn't wanted anyone to know. Logan still
couldn't forgive himself for it. Marie was his best friend, his confidant,
the best thing that ever had happened to him and he had to go and fuck it
up by letting his animal instincts take over like they always did when a
female was involved. He had to fuck up the best thing in his life. Marie
was a child for Christ sake! He didn't know how old he was. She was pure
and innocent and he was tainted and a mess. He didn't deserve someone like
her and he didn't want to want her like he did. He loved her too much for
that. He could and only would allow himself to be her friend. She needed to
grow up and experience life, he was never going to allow himself to give in
to the animal inside - it would destroy him.
He had somehow made it through Alkali Lake. That woman, the one who was just like him, her face still haunted him. He had finally found someone who was just like him and he had killed her. Logan still felt incredibly bitter about that. Maybe he had known her before the experiments. Maybe she had volunteered just like him. She was just Strykers pawn and when he had pumped her with the adamantium he had looked at her and realized Strykers control had faded and he felt sorry. He had wanted to apologize as he realized she didn't understand, he thought he had seen a flash of recognition in her eyes before she sank to the bottom of the tank and that ate away at him all the time. Wondering constantly if she had known him in those last seconds. He had gone after Stryker, run his claws through his stomach as he told Logan about the animal he was, how he had volunteered for the Weapon X program and Logan had had to decide in that moment - to help his friends or find out about himself, his past by helping Stryker. Logan had chosen then, chosen his friends as he realized he needed the X- Men, that he owed them more than he did finding out about himself so he had chained Stryker and left him and found them. Jean leaning on Cyke, her decision made and Logan had minded but he realized she was right; she needed Cyke more than she needed him.
They had stumbled outside, the facility straining with pressure around them only to realize there was nothing they could do - the X-Jet was too far away. He hadn't been able to believe it when Marie flew it to them, still glued to the controls and trembling when they came aboard, Ororo had to pry her hands from the control stick and then the thruster engines had failed and Jean had made her decision. He had known something was wrong, she had shot him a look that was full of subtext and hidden meaning and then he had realized she was outside the jet, using her powers to lift them to safety and he hadn't wanted to watch but was unable to tear his eyes away. He'd felt helpless standing there, knowing there was nothing he could do to help, that she was preventing them from helping her. He had pounded his fists off the jet but it didn't do any good and then they were in the air and the water had crashed around her. Logan closed his eyes, willing the mental picture to erase itself from his mind. His sense of loss had been unreal, he really didn't know what to do so he had clutched Scott and told him the one thing no one else could: that she was gone.
Thinking about Alkali Lake, thinking about Jean made Logan want to break down and cry, while the Wolverine wanted to howl for the injustice of everything that had happened. Logan knew he had really cared about Jean, had loved her and desired her but looking at Cykes' devastation compared to his own brought his feelings into sharp focus. Logan was sad and angry but he wasn't devastated like Scott, he hadn't lost his whole world like Scott had. Logan realized that the desperation he had felt as the water engulfed Jean was nothing compared to what he had felt when Marie had been sucked out of the Blackbird and he had thought for those few seconds that he had lost her forever. Everything that had happened - Jean, Stryker, what he had found out at Alkali Lake, the woman he had killed and his realization about his feeling for Marie - came crashing down on top of him and he collapsed to the ground, his head in his hands. Logan gulped in breaths of fresh air, willing himself to calm down. He didn't want to feel this, the pain, the anguish. Damnit, he didn't want to feel like this about Marie - she was pure and innocent and everything that was good, the opposite of everything he was and the opposite of the type he usually was attracted to. He didn't want to love her, he couldn't deal with this confusion. He didn't want to hurt her like he knew he would. His head shot up as he heard someone approaching, his senses immediately on alert, wary of any intruder. He was about to leap up with it hit him, her scent - it was Marie.
He had somehow made it through Alkali Lake. That woman, the one who was just like him, her face still haunted him. He had finally found someone who was just like him and he had killed her. Logan still felt incredibly bitter about that. Maybe he had known her before the experiments. Maybe she had volunteered just like him. She was just Strykers pawn and when he had pumped her with the adamantium he had looked at her and realized Strykers control had faded and he felt sorry. He had wanted to apologize as he realized she didn't understand, he thought he had seen a flash of recognition in her eyes before she sank to the bottom of the tank and that ate away at him all the time. Wondering constantly if she had known him in those last seconds. He had gone after Stryker, run his claws through his stomach as he told Logan about the animal he was, how he had volunteered for the Weapon X program and Logan had had to decide in that moment - to help his friends or find out about himself, his past by helping Stryker. Logan had chosen then, chosen his friends as he realized he needed the X- Men, that he owed them more than he did finding out about himself so he had chained Stryker and left him and found them. Jean leaning on Cyke, her decision made and Logan had minded but he realized she was right; she needed Cyke more than she needed him.
They had stumbled outside, the facility straining with pressure around them only to realize there was nothing they could do - the X-Jet was too far away. He hadn't been able to believe it when Marie flew it to them, still glued to the controls and trembling when they came aboard, Ororo had to pry her hands from the control stick and then the thruster engines had failed and Jean had made her decision. He had known something was wrong, she had shot him a look that was full of subtext and hidden meaning and then he had realized she was outside the jet, using her powers to lift them to safety and he hadn't wanted to watch but was unable to tear his eyes away. He'd felt helpless standing there, knowing there was nothing he could do to help, that she was preventing them from helping her. He had pounded his fists off the jet but it didn't do any good and then they were in the air and the water had crashed around her. Logan closed his eyes, willing the mental picture to erase itself from his mind. His sense of loss had been unreal, he really didn't know what to do so he had clutched Scott and told him the one thing no one else could: that she was gone.
Thinking about Alkali Lake, thinking about Jean made Logan want to break down and cry, while the Wolverine wanted to howl for the injustice of everything that had happened. Logan knew he had really cared about Jean, had loved her and desired her but looking at Cykes' devastation compared to his own brought his feelings into sharp focus. Logan was sad and angry but he wasn't devastated like Scott, he hadn't lost his whole world like Scott had. Logan realized that the desperation he had felt as the water engulfed Jean was nothing compared to what he had felt when Marie had been sucked out of the Blackbird and he had thought for those few seconds that he had lost her forever. Everything that had happened - Jean, Stryker, what he had found out at Alkali Lake, the woman he had killed and his realization about his feeling for Marie - came crashing down on top of him and he collapsed to the ground, his head in his hands. Logan gulped in breaths of fresh air, willing himself to calm down. He didn't want to feel this, the pain, the anguish. Damnit, he didn't want to feel like this about Marie - she was pure and innocent and everything that was good, the opposite of everything he was and the opposite of the type he usually was attracted to. He didn't want to love her, he couldn't deal with this confusion. He didn't want to hurt her like he knew he would. His head shot up as he heard someone approaching, his senses immediately on alert, wary of any intruder. He was about to leap up with it hit him, her scent - it was Marie.