Grace Is Gone, a weiss kreuz fanfic

Title: Grace is Gone 1/1

Author: Makoto Sagara

Archive: my site, and ff.netAnywhere else, just ask. ^_^

Pairing(s): None, but mention of past Youji/Asuka

Category: Angst, Songfic

Rating: Pg-13/R

Warnings: Angst, Drunk Youji, Songfic, language?

Disclaimers: Dun own Weib, or any of the characters. They are owned by Koyasu Takahito and a bunch of Japanese companies. *cries* Such is my lot. I make no money off of this. Also, I don't own the lyrics to Grace Is Gone. They were written and are owned by Dave Matthews Band, and it's from their Busted Stuff CD. Just using both of them to have a little fun, though I don't know how much fun it will be for Youji. ^^;;;

A/N: I messed around with the Weiß timeline. I *do* know that Ken was the last member to join Weiß, but I had to switch it around a little just to fit with my story. It's called artistic license.

Symbol explanations:

~Blah~ : Song lyrics

*~~~* : Flashback

*~*~* : Change of scene

A lone man sat at the bar, nursing his fourth drink in the last hour, long sandy-brown hair hanging in his face, obscuring anyone who was thinking of looking at his face. Not that they would have seen much. His glasses hid his eyes and most of his face. The neon lights of the windows spilled green and blue shadows through the cigarette smoke hanging around him.

The man slapped his glass on the bar, empty, and looked around. The clock read three minutes after two. He had been sitting on the same stool for nearly four hours, drinking heavily, much to the dismay of the bartender.

"Alright, Kudou, you've been here for too long. I know you are one of my best customers, but ever since that girl of yours died, you've been drunk every night for the past three months. I'm cutting ya off." He took the glass from off the bar and made to put it in the sink.

/He had to mention Asuka. I will never forgive myself for that. It should have been me. She should never had gone out that day./

~ Neon shines through smoky eyes tonight ~
~ It's 2 am - I'm drunk again it's heavy on my mind ~
~ I could never love again so much as I love you ~
~ Where you end where I begin is like a river going through ~
~ Take my eyes take my heart I need them no more ~
~ If never again they fall upon the one I so adore ~

*~~~~~~~~*

The alley was dark, damp, and musty. There was a faint smell of something rotting. Youji was pressed against the wall of a building, looking around the corner, listening and watching for the men following him and Asuka. The foot steps were coming closer.

"Go. I need you to go, Asuka," Youji said, holding his side where the bullet from earlier had pierced him, right under his ribs.

"Youji, I can't just leave you here. You're injured," the brunette said.

"Just leave. Get to safety," he growled around the pain.

"I'll distract them so you can get away. You have to take the information back to the client."

"Dammit, just go."

"No, I'll be fine." Asuka took off running from the alley way, towards their pursuers.

Youji looked around the corner again, hearing gun shots, and saw Asuka fall to the ground. "ASUKA!!!!!!!!!!!!"

~ Excuse me please one more drink ~
~ Could make it strong cause I don't need to think ~

~ She broke my heart my Grace is gone ~
~ One more drink and I'll move on ~

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Youji woke up, drenched in sweat. The day Asuka died had plagued his dreams every night since then. He rubbed his eyes, one hand searching in the dark for his cigarettes. He lit one, taking an extra long drag on it. Looking around the room, his eyes settled on the clock resting on the nightstand. The dial read 3:45.

/Awake again at ungodly hours. Will I never be able to sleep properly?/ He sighed, flicking ashes into the ashtray on the floor, where he knew it would be. Sighing, he laid back, letting the cool air from the over-worked air conditioner hit him. /Maybe if I stare at the ceiling long enough, I can fall back asleep./

He kept that line of thought up for a few hours. At seven am, with the sun breaking through his dirty bedroom windows, Youji finally sat up. Grabbing his cigarettes, he walked into his living room, and went straight to his liquor cabinet. Taking out a bottle of vodka, he threw himself on the couch, and opened the bottle.

He drunk directly from the bottle, ignoring all semblance of civility. He sat there for the rest of the morning, in his boxers, drinking his breakfast. He hoped to lose himself in the memories and his futile attempts to forget the only woman he ever loved. Running a hand through his dirty sandy brown hair, he shuddered as the vodka finally took effect.

Finally, fed up with the dirt and sweat clinging to every inch of his body, Youji stood from his couch, and staggered into his small closet of a bathroom. He unceremoniously stripped off his filthy boxers and threw them on the floor. Stepping into the flow of the shower, the memories washed over him again.

*~~~~~~~*

"Youji, stop tickling me. There isn't enough room in this shower for your games. There's barely enough room for us, as it is," Asuka giggled at the green-eyed man wrapped his strong arms around her waist.

"But you love it when I play my little games with you, ne, Asuka-chan?" he whispered into the girl's ear.

She shuddered in his arms, and turned around to face her lover. "Yes, Youji, I do, but not when we are supposed to be showering before we go to work." She gave him a quick peck on his cheek, and grabbed the shampoo, intent on washing their hair.

Youji smiled as she ran her fingers through his long hair and on his scalp, closing his eyes to enjoy the feel more. "Asuka, ai shiteru."

Her hands stopped their gentle massage, falling from his head completely. "N-n-nani?"

He opened his eyes, the smile dying from his face. He looked at his cute lover in front of him. Her eyes were open widely, a look of shock in her eyes and her mouth was slightly open. "Gomen," he whispered.

"No, don't be." She threw her slender arms around his neck and kissed him on the lips, ignoring the shampoo that was starting to cover her face as well as him. "I love you too, Yo-tan."

*~~~~~~~~*

Youji screamed in agony as the memory faded from his mind. Quickly, he washed himself, and stomped to this room to grab some clean clothes. Drying himself hastily, he ignored the pain behind his eyes, and in his hand, from where it had struck a wall, unnoticed. He pulled on some clothes, not bothering to even bothering to make sure they matched, and walked back into his living room, heading back for the neglected bottle on the floor by the couch.

He opened it again, and wished that the memories would just go away.

~ One drink to remember then another to forget ~
~ How could I ever dream to find sweet love like you again ~
~ One drink to remember and another to forget ~

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Time passed by for Youji, and soon, he was back working at his job as a private eye. He threw himself into his work, ignoring everything that would remind him of Asuka. He stopped drinking because that just made the memories come quicker and more painful.

He had just returned to his office after a particularly hard case to finish some paperwork, when a hand reached out and touched the arm of his trench coat. He jumped back from the touch, and reached for his gun.

"Who are you?" he yelled to the shadows around him.

"I am here to offer you something better than what you have now," a disembodied voice said. He tried hard to find out if the voice was male or female, but it was speaking so low all he caught were the words.

Youji spun around the hallway, his gun swinging around with him as he tried to see who was speaking. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"I'm offering you your life back, Kudou Youji."

"I *have* my life back!" he raged.

"Do you?" the voice asked. "I can offer you a way to make a real difference in life."

"Who. Are. You?" Youji gritted through his teeth.

Stepping into the light, a woman with red hair in twists and a dress suit appeared. "My name is Manx, Kudou. I am here on behalf of a group called Kritiker." She gave him a soft smile. "Do you think we could speak some place less." She looked around. "Open?"

Youji kept an eye on her, and his gun as well, as he stepped to the door of his office, and used one hand to open the door, flinging it wide open. "After you, Manx."

She stepped into the dark office. "Thank you, Kudou-san."

He followed the strange woman in. "You can drop the Kudou-san bull. If you know my name, call me Youji." He flipped on the light switch, taking a look at his "visitor". She had legs up to her neck, and was dressed in a simple black dress suit, with no visible shirt underneath the jacket, carrying a simple black briefcase. /Damn, she's hot./ He shook his head and spoke again. "Tell me why you are here."

Manx sat down casually in the chair across from the desk, waving one her nicely manicured hands to indicate that Youji should take his seat behind the desk. Youji complied.

"Tell me why you are here," he repeated.

"I already have, but if you insist." She sighed and pulled out a file from the briefcase. She handed it to him. "We have been keeping an eye on you since the case where you lost your partner, a woman, your girlfriend."

"Fiancée," he corrected.

"I'm sorry. Fiancée. As I said, we have been keeping tabs on you since then. You seem to be running across a mysterious group called "Estet". Am I correct?"

Youji blinked. He hadn't told anyone, not even his paying clients, about his run-ins with Estet. Nor did he have any intention of telling them. "Possibly," he offered nonchalantly.

Manx smiled mysteriously. "Yes, I was told that you might be a bit hard to talk to initially. Look," she moved up to look at him better, and gave Youji a good view down her blazer. "I'm not here to bullshit with you. Kritiker wants you to join a group of assassins for them. You have two options from here: One, you can decline, and eventually, you will run into Estet, who will kill you so you won't go running to the nearest reporter. Or, two, you can take this offer, and you can find the men who killed your fiancée."

Youji thought over his options carefully. /I can either take this offer, and become a killer for hire, or I can refuse, and end up dead anyway. What the hell is there to lose by at least hearing what all she has to say./ Sighing, he looked at Manx. "So, what are the details?"

A smirk crossed Manx's face, and she handed him another file folder. "Read these files over carefully, and then call me at this number." She shoved a small business card at him. "If you choose to decline this lucrative offer, burn everything, my card included, and forget we ever talked."

Youji took both the folder and the business card from her, and showed her outside the door. When she had left, he slumped into his chair, looking at the folders. /I'd better get started. This is a lot of material./ A glance around his office found him staring at the forgotten picture of Asuka and himself a week before she was killed. /I will do this./

~ Excuse me please one more drink ~
~ Could make it strong cause I don't need to think ~
~ She broke my heart my Grace is gone ~
~ One more drink and I'll move on ~
~ One more drink and I'll be gone ~

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Youji did finally join Kritiker's elite group of assassins, Weiß, and met his teammates; Fujimiya Ran, a cold and silent bastard, obsessed with revenge for his family and to take care of his comatose sister, Aya, whose name he used in her memory. Hidaka Ken, a former J-leaguer, who's set up in the league caused him to be kicked off, and then he was presumed dead in a fire. Then the final member was a teenager, Tsukiyono Omi, who didn't remember much about his past and had been raised by Kritiker to be an assassin since he was rescued from his kidnappers.

Youji was not happy the first time he met them. "You've set me up with *KIDS*! The oldest is only twenty. This is ridiculous. I am *not* babysitting," he fumed at Manx.

"No, you won't be. Omi is probably the proficient member so far. He will also be dealing with all communiqué between you four. Ken is the enforcer or bruiser of this group. He is satisfactory. Ran, well, Aya is very efficient. Stay out of his way and listen to him. He is the leader; you are his second in command." With that, Manx turned on her high heels and left Youji to deal with the three younger men.

Weeks passed with nothing to do. Youji got used to the cover as florists. He flirted with all the girls who would surround him day after day. He became friends with both Ken and Omi. He stayed away from Aya as much as possible, not that Aya did much socializing. He fell into a nice pattern that kept his nightmares at bay, and just relaxed for the first time in six months. Then, he got his first mission.

He had to kill a woman with brown hair and great blue eyes. She was evil, he knew, but she was so beautiful, much like Asuka. That night the memories plagued his sleep again.

*~~~~~~~*

He watched her fall, and her shooters run off. As soon as they left, Youji drug himself over to Asuka's prone body. "Don't die on me, Asuka-chan. Don't die. Please," he sobbed, tears running down his face. "You can't die. No, you can't. I won't let you." He shook her body, ignoring all the pain in his own body.

"No, you can't die. You can't," he whispered, the pain making everything fuzzy. Grabbing onto Asuka's limp hand, Youji passed out.

When he woke up, he was gripping something cold and limp, and there were men trying to open his hand.

"He's awake," someone said from far away.

Youji focused on the face that popped over him. "Sir, I need you to let go of her hand. We have to take you to the hospital."

"Asuka?" He tried to sit up. "How is she? Where is she?"

Hands pushed him back down on the ground. "Sir, you have to let go of her hand. She's…" The man looked around, out of Youji's current line of sight, and then looked back at him, nodding. "She's dead, sir. You have to let go."

"No," Youji croaked in disbelief. "Asuka, wake up. Tell them you aren't dead." He felt his hand pried open, and Asuka's hand was removed from his own. Then, he was picked up and placed into an ambulance.

"ASUKA!!!!!!"

~ You think of things impossible and the sun refuse to shine ~
~ I woke with you beside me your cold hand lay in mine ~

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Youji eventually learned how to stop having the dreams that plagued his nights. He lost himself, yet again, in drink, but this time, he decided to start frequenting bars that had more of a "delicate" clientele. He picked up women who looked like Asuka. But none of them compared to her. He couldn't totally forget her.

Also, he threw himself, somewhat, into his "work". He would kill, come home, shower, go out to a bar, pick up a woman, have sex with her, and then return back to his own bed to sleep the night off. That is, until he had a mission where he had to go in a whorehouse owned by Taketori to retrieve information and kill off the company heads there.

There, he met a whore by the name of Maki. He found her strangely appealing. He couldn't tell if it was her want to help him or the fact that she was dressed in nothing but a skimpy black negligée that was more enticing. She helped him accomplish his mission, though he did not ask her too. In reward, he took her with him when he escaped.

She was starkly intelligent, being more educated about men and their wants, but she wasn't a fool. Unfortunately, they were pursued by some of Taketori's men, who shot Youji, almost sadistically, in the same spot that he had been shot the day Asuka died. Once again, Youji found himself bleeding while being tended upon by a woman.

"Just run. Go, Maki," he gritted through his teeth, watching as she tore her nightie for a makeshift bandage.

"I can't just leave you here," she replied.

"Go. Save yourself."

Finally, after much persuasion, she did run out of hiding, only to die in front of Youji's eyes. Youji watched in horror as history repeated itself. He vowed revenge for the fallen girl, and snuck back into the building.

He found the head of security of the company awaiting his arrival. Making short work of the man, Youji strung him up with his wires, cutting them so he could tie the man up by the throat from the ceiling. Creeping around the rest of the building, he came to a room where he found both the vice-president and the president of said evil company in bed with one another. Disgusted, he killed them, and walked away.

He returned to the Koneko, the flower shop that acted as Weiß's cover, gave the information to Manx, took a shower, and hit the bars for another night of self-pity.

/I attract women who will die. I will watch them die in front of me, and be unable to do anything to actually stop them from dying,/ Youji thought sourly, finishing off his fifth drink of the night.

The bartender looked over the distraught man. "Care to tell me what your problem is, bub?"

Youji raised his head, looking over his sunglasses at the man, and spoke. "I would rather not. But, I need one last drink before I go home."

"What can I get ya, man?"

Youji let his head drop a bit. "I don't care. Anything strong, so I can stop thinking."

"Ah, been there, mate. Buck up. She'll come crawling back, sooner or later." The bartender dropped a particularly strong smelling liquor in front of Youji. The sandy-haired man didn't even stop the smell it. He downed it in one smooth swallow, and left the bar.

~ Excuse me please one more drink ~
~ Could make it strong cause I don't need to think ~
~ She broke my heart my Grace is gone ~
~ One more drink and I'll go ~

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Youji adjusted quicker this time to the death of a pretty girl in front of him. He worked harder around the flower shop, and put more and more of his grief into the battles against the evils of the world, and Schwarz and Schriënt. He found himself consumed with thoughts of killing off that German bastard of Schwarz, Schuldig. It ate at him every time that jerk got away with his buddies.

And then, to make matters worse, Aya had gone ballistic once his sister was kidnapped from the hospital. They no longer could use the Koneko as cover. Youji was forced to find something else to occupy his time. He found out that Omi was throwing himself into school, and that Ken was teaching kids how to play soccer. Aya was working as a construction worker of all things.

Then, add to all these other worries, there was a chick in Schriënt who looked *just* like Asuka. Her name was Nëue, but dammit, she was Asuka. He couldn't get over the fact that she was alive again; brainwashed by a Taketori maybe, but Asuka nonetheless. He wanted to have her back.

Unfortunately, when Weiß got back together to stop the crazy old guys of Estet, who were trying to take over the world through some sick plan involving Aya's little sister, Youji was duped by Nëue, and in his frustration at her trickery and deceit, he strangled her to death with his own hands.

/They will never be clean again,/ he thought, staring at her limp and lifeless body at his feet.

After Weiß thwarted Estet's plans and Aya-chan woke up, Youji went out to drink himself into a stupor. He was more than surprised when Ken offered to join him. After about six drinks, Ken was swaying and Youji was feeling giggly. They talked about they women problem; Ken had a girlfriend who left him to go to Australia.

"Ok, Ken, I think we had better go before you fall on your ass off that barstool," Youji said, slightly slurred.

"Just one more, Yo-kun. I don't want to think about what happened these last few weeks," Ken said.

"You got it, short fry." He held up his empty glass. "Barkeep, my friend and I would like one last drink."

"What can I get ya two?" the bartender asked the obviously intoxicated men at the bar.

Youji looked at Ken. "Vodka?"

Ken shrugged. "Why not?"

"Two vodkas."

They were served their drinks. Youji lifted his glass up to Ken's. "To Asuka, may she rest in peace, finally."

Ken lifted his own glass. "To Yuriko, who, hopefully, is having a swell time with her motorcycles in Australia."

They clinked their glasses together, quickly drank the contents, stood from there seats, and helped each other walk back to Youji's place.

Le Fin.