The Apartment
By Emilie Trig
Song: Beautiful by Christina Aguilera
Chapter 6
"You're leaving?" I asked incredulously. Darien was going back to Britain? Why so sudden? Was it because of me? If it was, then I was willing to get down on my knees and ask for forgiveness.
Darien sighed and continued to stack his many books into the box.
I walked up to him. "You're going back to Britain?" I asked him again. My mouth ran before I could let him say anything. "Why? Did you feel like I was kicking you out of the apartment? If you did," I mumbled on, "then I didn't mean to make it sound that way. I was only upset."
He shook his head and I almost sighed in relief. Darien stood up. His face looked duller than usual. "No, Serena. My grandfather called me this morning. He wants me to come home. He knows." Darien said darkly.
I frowned. "You're a big boy. Are you going to listen to him?"
Darien mouth stretched into a sardonic smile. "That's what I keep telling myself, but he's old, Serena. He doesn't have very long to live. What can I say? I love the old guy even if I don't want to admit it. Throughout my whole life," he explained, staring straight at me with such a heartbreaking expression that it burned through my skin, "my grandfather has been the only one who cared about my sister and me. That's why I need to unknot this entire situation out. I don't want to hurt his old heart, not after raising me up to the person that I am today."
"What about your parents?" I asked him honestly. Don't your parents care about you, Darien? Don't they love you the way I yearn to know whether mine loves me?
"Serena, I'm an orphan as much as you are. The only difference between us is that I know who my parents are." He shrugged one shoulder, easily brushing off the topic. "But let's not talk about them. What I need to concentrate on is my grandfather. I honestly don't know what to do."
"Are you going to listen to him and kick your girlfriend out the door?"
Darien shook his head like a naughty little boy, "No, I've already decided to try a little persuasion. He doesn't know Ann's coming along the plane ride. I'll be damned if he kicks her out again."
I smiled and wished everything to go well for him. Darien walked into the kitchen and I followed along. Whatever Darien was trying to accomplish, I hope he can do it. He was a nice guy and deserved that happiness. Darien opened the fridge and pulled out a can of Pepsi.
I pursed my lips as he drunk down the Pepsi. "It's too bad you're going back. We really haven't done anything together yet and I still know next to nothing about you."
"Well, you know my grandfather and my younger sister, Karen."
I try to fake a laugh, trying to not sound too offended over the whole lie he had told me. "That's still next to nothing."
"I'm sorry," he said seriously and my laughter quickly dies off.
My face smoothed back into seriousness and I cleared my throat. His apology came out a bit awkward and somehow made it hard for me to answer. Should I forgive him? I asked. I had already made the decision before so why was it taking me so long now? In my head, I knew Darien's lie was a completely different reason from Ken and Lita. But it was still wrong of him to lie. I took my chance. "I forgive you," I said, the words slipped too easily from my mouth. It felt as if I wasn't even talking.
He sighed. "Thank you for understanding, Serena. I know it was wrong of me and I know it was even harder for you to forgive me. I'm sorry." He apologized one last time and everything fell into silence.
"Are you planning on coming back?"
Darien looked at me with great uncertainty. "I don't know, Serena. It doesn't look like I'll come back in a long time."
I felt lost at his word. That wasn't the answer I was looking for. "When are you leaving?"
"In a week or two," he answered. "I'm not quite sure. I haven't bought a plane ticket yet."
That was too bad, I thought and wished that he could somehow stay a little longer. We haven't really got a chance to do anything. "It's too bad."
Darien only nodded in agreement. He sighed and suddenly. "Do you mind if I ask you for some advice?"
I shook my head no.
"If you were in my situation, Serena, what would you do?"
I leaned against the nearest object, which was a woodened kitchen chair. "Trying to persuade your grandfather is probably the best thing that I will do."
"But what if he won't listen?"
"What else can you really do?"
Darien gave another restless sigh of the day and sat down gloomily. His expression seemed depressing and his beautiful eyes dimmed as he brooded himself into some deep thoughts. At that point, I wished that there was some way for me to wash that sad face away. He seemed lonely and I knew the feeling. I sat down beside him. One of my hands crept over the round kitchen table and touched his in a comforting gesture. There was a moment's electric charge at our linked hand, and I wondered if he felt it too. "Don't worry yourself to death." I said and he accepted my hand in a light squeeze. "He'll listen. Everything's going to be fine. How hard headed can your grandfather be?"
The doorbell rang then and my head turned unexpectedly to the door. I hadn't expected any company at this time.
"My girlfriend," Darien said and got up to open the door.
His girlfriend kissed him passionately at the doorway and the two of them were probably on their way to bliss heaven somewhere. Darien pulled his girlfriend closer to him stirring up this new jealousy feeling.
I stared at them, remembering all the kisses that I'd ever shared with Ken. I can still feel every kiss I had with him and I missed the feeling. I missed the intensity and the sensation of it all. My head shook furiously and mentally then, remembering to stop all thoughts of him. He only had eyes for Lita now and none for me. Ken was a jackass who deserves to go to hell, I thought angrily. But then again, I thought with a remorseful note, was it his fault that he chose Lita over me? She was attractive and amiable. Me, I didn't know what good quality I had. Beautiful? No. Charming? No. I was an orphan girl, I thought hurtfully. I inhaled a sharp breath. I needed to move on, put this in the past. And for real this time, I decided with a strong determination.
"Ann," Darien said finally remembering that I was still here. "This is Serena."
He gestured over to me.
"Hello." I greeted. His girlfriend was pretty, I noticed. Big pretty brown eyes with the cute heart shaped face. She wasn't too tall, but had a regal stature that no doubt speaks of her wealthy background.
Ann smiled gently showing her dimples clearly. She was adorable and it was no wonder why Darien dated her. "I finally get to meet the infamous Serena." Ann said. "Darien talks about you all the time."
I frowned and eyed Darien. "I'm not sure if that's good."
Ann smiled and eyed me all too closely. It was something I never approved of, but since she was Darien's girlfriend, I ignored her careful examination all together.
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I tugged my hat low enough to cover my frigid ears. It was still early November and yet it feels like winter had already arrived. Even under this bundle of clothing I had on, I was still miserably cold. The sky was growing darker each day and just about every one of the leaves lay on the ground.
Raye had called, I thought wretchedly as I slowed down my step. She suggested that we were to meet at the park today with Ami and Mina. We need to discuss the topic; she said over the telephone. Discuss what? I wonder. I thought it was over, done, complete. Why can't Raye leave it at that? I wasn't going to agree on coming, but she hung up on me. She didn't even give me a chance to say no. We were going to have another argument, I knew. But I didn't want that to happen. Contrary to Raye's belief, I still want our friendship of five to go on. I didn't want it to shatter to bits, but it did. It just happened, and I wish that somehow Raye would, maybe could, understand what I was going through.
As I entered the park's entrance, my footsteps slowed even more. Maybe I shouldn't have come here, I thought with a backward step. Something regretful was going to happen today and I knew, just sensed the outcome of this won't be good. Then I shouldn't be here, my mind screamed mentally. I quickly turned myself around. About halfway through my first step toward home, I pulled back. Why was I being such a scared chicken? I asked myself. If Raye wanted this friendship of ours then so be it! There was no use in delaying it. I took an immediate turn and marched myself straight to the jungle gym, my mind set.
Upon reaching the jungle gym, I saw that it was empty. Only the bitter wind was there to greet me and the only thing that did was succeeding in making me even more reluctant about being here. I prodded myself to sit on the swing and wait. There was no use in worrying myself over the matter, I told myself. But even as I repeated the words over in my head, I couldn't help but be afraid. The park stayed silent for a while, until a couple of footsteps started this way. I heard a crunching sound of leaves and knew the gang had arrived. I looked up and quickly met Raye, beside her stood Ami and Mina. And standing far behind the group stood Lita-the one I least expected to see. God, why was she here? I didn't want to see her ever again. Why did Raye have to bring her here? My friendship with Lita was already over. Over and gone! A sudden burst of fire and hate blew in.
I hurriedly got to my feet and was ready to run as far away from this place as possible. You're a real chicken, I told myself as my feet was about to take me away.
"Don't run Serena. It won't do you any good." I heard Raye say from behind. I stood still for a moment with my back facing them. Now was the moment of truth, Serena, I told myself. "Fine, I won't run. But tell me why you brought her here." I demanded accusingly.
Ami stepped out of the group. "Serena, don't be mad. It was my idea to bring Lita. If you're going to get mad, it might as well be at me."
I looked Ami. She was always the one to take someone's anger on herself.
Mina shook her head from side to side disagreeing with Ami. She pushed Ami to the side. "No, don't be mad at Ami. She's right on calling everyone here. It's only fair that everyone be here to sort this situation out."
"And just how do we begin this?" I asked frankly. How the hell do we even talk about something like this? There were feelings involved in this, especially mine. I don't know what is going on in their heads, but mine's working perfectly.
I looked over at Lita and we eyed each other. She was completely silent and I took the moment to tell her off. "You know how I loath you. Why did you even bother coming?"
Lita opened her mouth, but then closed it as if she didn't have the guts to speak to me. She opened again to speak and it came out in a jumble. "I lied, I'll admit that. But Serena, I'm truly."
"Don't Serena me." I told her, my forehead in a deep crease. "And don't start to explain because there's really nothing to explain."
"Can you shut up and let her make things more clearly for you?" Raye growled.
Mina cleared her throat. "Raye, stay out. Just let them talk."
Ami nodded her head beside Mina, observing each of us carefully. Raye backed down; and miraculously remained quiet.
I turned my attention back to Lita. "If you were the last person on earth, Lita, I still wouldn't talk to you. You didn't need to come here. I thought we were friends, you know? How could you betray me? And to do it behind my back, Lita. You truly are a tramp because you stuck so low as to even steal your own friend's boyfriend!"
An invisible hand flew out to smack my cheeks causing me to give out a sob. My hand quickly lifted to my stinging cheeks while eyeing at Raye all together. My cheeks pricked, but my heart was bleeding even worst. So this is what it comes to, I thought numbly, a slap to end our friendship. How sad it was to end it like this.
Ami was on her way to check on my reddened cheeks, but a word from Raye stopped her. "Stay where you are, Ami. Let that slap sink through her thick skull. Just listen to yourself, Serena." She urged softly. "You've become depraved, mean, and maybe even cruel. Lita already knows she did wrong, but can you truly blame her for a feeling she had no control over? Stop being such a dope and get your empty head out of cloud nine! Ken's just a guy, one guy."
I looked at Raye scornfully at what she had just said all the while crumbling inside. Maybe I was being mean, but I didn't care. All it mattered was that I hurt. "Don't call me a dope! And don't you dare (!) tell me what to do! You have no idea what I'm feeling. To be abandoned by Ken wasn't enough, but to be betrayed by Lita too? Raye, how can you be so inconsiderate? Why, why can't you try to understand what I'm going through?"
The tears formed in my eyes. It blurred my vision and threatened to fall.
From afar, where Lita stood I heard a shuffling noise and then she spoke up. "Stop this fighting. If this is all because of me, then let me leave." She said gently. Her tone took on a tender note causing my eyes to look toward her. Raye started protesting on the side, but then a look from Lita hushed her down. She spoke again. "I know everything that's been happening is my fault. I'm sorry, Serena." She apologize sincerely, but I didn't accept it. "If it makes you happy, I would say it a million times more. But you probably don't want to hear it." She became quiet and then, "Maybe we'll see each other around." She said too gently and gave a sniff as if she was crying. Lita walked away and this time, it seemed like for the very last time.
I stood there mute until I could see Lita no more. As much as I didn't like, I actually felt regretful and ashamed of myself.
"She only came here to see you, you know, even if you despised her. She just wants your forgiveness, Serena, nothing else. " Raye stared darkly at the shattered leaves on the ground. Their friendship was divided just as the leaves were destroyed into tiny fragment. "But I guess you don't want that, do you? You're too good for that."
"Raye, will you be quiet? Stop what you're saying because you don't mean it." I heard Ami begged from the sideline.
"But I do mean it, Ami." Raye raised her cheerless eyes to meet mine and it slashed me with fury.
"If you can't forgive her then there's no use in us being friends. You bring this on yourself, Serena." Raye took a jagged breath. "I'm sorry, but we can't be friends anymore. After all this, I've realized that I'm disgusted with what you've become. See you around, Serena." She said unkindly. Raye gave resentful glance and then walked away for the second time.
The clouds darkened as Raye said her last line and I replayed those words back in my head. A lone tear fell down as I finally realized that I wanted to tell Raye to come back. "Come back!" I yelled suddenly from a sudden burst of energy, but she was too far away. "Don't go!" I screamed even louder, but she didn't turn back. Never even gave me a glance. I don't want you to go, Raye! My mind cried out. We're supposed to be friends, don't leave me behind!
The tears soon streamed down from my face and I didn't even make an effort to brush them away. I don't want to be left behind anymore! My mind suddenly flashed back to abandonment I'd felt from the orphanage. My parents left me. Raye, don't leave me behind too! "Come back," I sobbed and fell to the ground where I hugged myself for some little comfort. "Please, come back."
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I sat numbly back in one of the park's bench. My arms wrapped securely around my waist. Both my mind and body felt empty, dead even. The glow and energy in me was gone.
Every day is so wonderful
And suddenly, it's hard to breathe
Now and then, I get insecure
From all the fame, I'm so ashamed
My heart bled as I sat mutely on the bench feeling the hatred of myself. I longer detested Lita, only myself. Raye was painfully right, I thought. I caused this on myself. I've become a horrible person. But was I so awful like she had described me? A sniff came and then the tears streamed lightly downward again, retracing its earlier path.
"I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down"
Those were the lines that Christina Aguilera had sung. I am beautiful, I try to convince myself but it only caused more tears. Who was I trying to kid? I wasn't beautiful, but hateful. I was pitiful, I thought sadly.
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring me down
So don't you bring me down today
My heart burst wide open in an unrelenting ache. I felt so alone, more lost than I have ever been in my life.
To all your friends, you're delirious
So consumed in all your doom
Trying hard to fill the emptiness
The piece is gone and the puzzle undone
That's the way it is
Where are you Andrew? I called to him. I need you. I didn't usually need him, but somehow needed his comfort, needed him to tell me everything was okay like when we were little. Please come, I begged silently to him. My shoulder shook horribly. The tears kept falling and I couldn't stop them. My mind swirled more unpleasant thoughts and Darien suddenly came to my mind. I could use his shoulder right now, I thought.
You are beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring you down
You are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring you down
so don't you bring me down today...
I rose from the bench, quickly wiping away the tear drop. Andrew wasn't going to come, he was too far away. My feet took short steps at first, but then broke into a run when a couple had noticed me crying.
No matter what we do
(no matter what we do)
No matter what they say
(no matter what they say)
When the sun is shining through
Then the clouds won't stay
And everywhere we go
(everywhere we go)
The sun won't always shine
(sun won't always shine)
But tomorrow will find a way
All the other times
My mind raced as I ran out of the park. Every scene was just a flash, a swift image passing quickly through my mind and I had no recognition of where or what I was doing. I hated myself at the moment and didn't wish for anything more than to vanish myself. I hated the constant crying, the constant feeling of hate, but most of all I hated the fact that my friends hated me. I hated everything in life and now noticed that I didn't belong here. I didn't belong anywhere for the matter.
We are beautiful no matter what they say
Yes, words won't bring us down
We are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring us down
So don't you bring me down today
Don't you bring me down today
Don't you bring me down today
Ami and Mina had insisted on driving me home or at least walk me home. I had refused them, of course. I needed to find a space of my own to fight all of these emotions I was feeling. How did my life turn to be such a mess? I thought as I continued to run. About a second after my
breath ran out, I stopped completely. My breathing labored and my tummy twisted in exhaustion. My crying eyes had been dried, but the feeling still remained. I heard loud, very loud, but depressing music then and lifted my head to see the big sign. "Déjà Vu." I read the sign out loud. I didn't know how far or long I've walked, but it must have been pretty far. I looked at the sign for a moment and was very reluctant to walk away. I walked on anyway, but about a few steps later, I turned my behind back. I didn't want to go home; my mind was set on the idea. I wanted to forget about today, yesterday and ever other day after Ken ditched me. I wanted the headache and all the heartache to go away, be gone from my sight and never to return. My feet followed into the entrance. There were few people tonight, but I wasn't surprised. I heard a new club had opened a few blocks from here and was putting Déjà vu out of business. My eyes roamed the almost empty club and something caught my attention, Darien. He was sitting by himself in the darkest corner and seemed like he was sulking with himself. I walked unhurriedly up to him, my body felt exhausted. "What are you doing here?" I asked calmly, my voice sounded dry and almost emotionless as I was feeling.
Darien's head lifted dazedly and he looked at me. His eyes were much unfocused. "I'm drinking myself to death, of course." He cracked at his own corny joke and poured himself a cup from the whiskey bottle.
I sat down on a chair and decided to accompany him. "Can I have a drink?"
Darien looked drowsily from the bottle and when he managed to, pressed the whole jug toward me. "Help yourself."
I grabbed the bottle, took a whopping sip and bang it back down. The liquid stung my throat, but it soothed my ache.
Darien scooted his seat closely to mine and then put one arm on my shoulder. "You have problems too?" He asked deliriously. He hiccups a couple of times and then laughed vivaciously to himself.
I gave myself another drink and was about to take another after, but Darien grabbed the bottle away from me. "Hey, slow down with the drinks. Leave some for me, will ya?"
I wiped my mouth from the liquid that spilled on my chin. "What happened to Ann?"
Darien automatically slammed the table and looked disturbingly at me. "Don't talk about her!"
"I take it was something about Ann that brought you here."
He dunks down a gulp from the bottle. "You're damn right it's her! She kissed some other jackass in front of our apartment. Can you believe her?"
"No." I answered honestly. I certainly didn't think Ann could do such a thing. She didn't seem like the person too, but then again, how well did I know her?
"I love her. God, I love her." Darien said rubbing his hand over his face and bangs. A cry came out of his mouth, but he hid it well with another drink. He was feeling the same pain and I couldn't help but feel sorry for him. Darien stood up suddenly, his posture uneven. "Damn all women!" He raised the bottle to make a toast with everyone.
I smiled a wryly at his sudden outburst and pulled him back down after seeing some women give him deadly stares. I shook my head.
"Except for you, of course. You're nothing like that. You're too nice and decent." He whispered softly into my ears. His breath tickled my ears and a quick wave of heat . "But don't tell anyone that. It's only between you and me." I nodded my head slowly and he stood up once more. "Damn all women!"
I grabbed his untucked dress shirt and pulled him to his seat once more. Poor Darien, I thought. His love life wasn't too far more miserable from mine. Darien drank once more and suddenly, we were eye to eye. "And why are you here?" He asked. His breath stunk from all the alcohol. Darien was frantic drunk right now, and it didn't take a rocket scientist to figure that one out.
I looked down at my folded hands. "I don't know." I lied.
"It must be that son-of-a-bitch who dumped you."
"Yeah."
"Well, he's a shit head." Darien told me, his head bobbing up and down just the same. "Whoever broke your heart is a shit head. Don't let that fuckin' asshole get to you." He shook his head and then sobbed suddenly. "Don't let it fuckin' get to you." He whispered hoarsely. It was as if he was telling himself more than to me.
I nodded my head absently.
"What's that jackass's name?"
"Ken."
Darien licked his lips and nodded. "Damn Ken!" he toasted the whole bottle to the small crowd.
I pulled Darien's bottle down and drank to forget what's his name. both dropped the discussion of Ken.
As it neared 9p.m, Darien was drunk and as mad as a hatter. I, on the other hand was somewhat intoxicated, but not enough for me to loose my sensibility. I joined in Darien's song while we supported each others weight out the door.
"Where's your car?" I asked him dizzily surveying the almost empty parking lot.
Darien blinked and did a quick survey. "That one!" He pointed.
I looked at the blue truck he pointed to. "Isn't your car red? Don't you own a red sport car?"
Darien straightened his figure and scratched his head confusedly. "I do?" He asked, smiling toothily afterward.
I laughed animatedly for the first time in a long time and it felt good. "Over there," I sputtered my words and practically dragged his body over to the car.
"Maybe you should talk to Ann." I suggested to him suddenly as we neared his car. Even in this dizzy state of mind, I couldn't help but remember Darien's problem.
Darien growled, and his face gained this wild look. "I don't want to talk about her. I'm over her. Don't bring her up again!"
I took that as insult and frowned furiously at his tone. My arms went quickly to push him off and away from me. He staggered backward in confusion. "I was just trying to help. If you're so pissed off about it, fine! Drive your bloody self home!"
I staggered back to the club, upset at Darien and upset at everything else for no apparent reason.
Darien unexpectedly caught hold of my hand and had my back leaning against the side of his car within seconds. "I'm sorry," he said apologetically, but I didn't want to listen to any bull-crap. "I'm an ass. Don't listen to me."
"No, just let me go. I'm leaving! Drive yourself home." I tried to push Darien away, but he only came closer his hand unwilling to let go of me. I stuttered to speak. "Just.just let me go."
"Please stay," he whispered almost imploringly and entwined his arms around my waist. Even in my moment of drunkenness, I could see in his beautiful eye of how sorry he was. "Don't leave me. Whatever I've done, I'm sorry." He sobbed for some reason and stared peculiarly at me again for the longest time. His palm came slowly to cup my cheek as he continued his arousing stare causing a great epicenter of a volcano to erupt. His eyes changed color suddenly as if seeing something else in me. I didn't know what his eyes was doing, but whatever it was, it made me throbbed with pleasure. His face came close and our lips simply touched.
My mouth burned with a blazing sensation as his mouth stroked my lip. His In some part of my head, I could still remember the pain I went through in the name of love. I was somehow afraid of getting hurt again. But this was Darien, and it was only a kiss.
"What's wrong." he whispered his hot breath against my lip. His hand pulled my body closer until I was pressed hard against his handsome figure. "I don't entrance?" He asked almost tantalizingly. His lip became more arousing and more demanding after that. He probed my lip apart and when it finally did, my head exploded like firework in the sky. My reasonable head left me in a quick second, and I could do nothing more than follow my instinct.
My arms flung itself around his neck and I responded to him with every passion that he stirred within me. His hot tongue stroked my mouth sweetly, and I moaned.
His hands started to wander, rubbing up and down my spine and leaving brands of heated flames behind. When he finally went as far as rubbing the side of my breast, I knew things were getting out of control. He was drunk senseless and I wasn't in my right mind, I had to remind myself as I halfheartedly dragged myself away.
Darien forced me back in his arms and I had to raise my arms to stop his movement. I was out of breath from the kiss. My breath labored. "You're drunk and I don't know what I'm doing." Both of our breath mingled. "This wouldn't be right."
He was muted and staring at me in that odd way again. Did my words not make any sense? I thought and suddenly, Darien drew me within his arm holding me close. His scent quickly filled my nostril, . An unnamed emotion surged through my body, radiating all my senses until I could feel nothing but the pleasurable feeling. "I love you," he whispered slowly, almost clearly. I jerked at the sentence. Darien loved me?
His arms embraced me tighter. "Don't leave me, Ann." Darien begged, and it was enough for me to know that his words weren't meant for me. I felt my spirit plunge into the deep sea. So that was why he kissed me so passionately, I came to realize. "I love you," he whispered again.
My emotion ran wild then, and though I knew his words and his embrace weren't meant for me, my arms drew itself willingly around his waist. I knew I shouldn't, but there was this part of me that couldn't help but do so.
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I drove Darien's drunken body home after he collapsed on me at the parking lot. He was sound asleep and once in a while, I would sneak a little peek at his adorable form. He said he loved Ann, I thought dejectedly as I drove through the dark road. It was a great feeling thinking that his words were meant for me. If only, I thought and berated myself for thinking so. At the corner of my eye, I slipped yet another peak at him again and smiled at his sloppy form. His shirt was untucked in the messiest manner and his bangs fell beautifully against his head. My heart took a leap in my throat, but I tried my best to bury whatever emotion that I was feeling because tonight had been only a small kiss and his words were not even for me. I shouldn't take it seriously I told myself because in the end, Darien wouldn't remember a thing, and that was the only thought that comforted me for the night.
To be continue...
Please review. Comments are always welcome.
By Emilie Trig
Song: Beautiful by Christina Aguilera
Chapter 6
"You're leaving?" I asked incredulously. Darien was going back to Britain? Why so sudden? Was it because of me? If it was, then I was willing to get down on my knees and ask for forgiveness.
Darien sighed and continued to stack his many books into the box.
I walked up to him. "You're going back to Britain?" I asked him again. My mouth ran before I could let him say anything. "Why? Did you feel like I was kicking you out of the apartment? If you did," I mumbled on, "then I didn't mean to make it sound that way. I was only upset."
He shook his head and I almost sighed in relief. Darien stood up. His face looked duller than usual. "No, Serena. My grandfather called me this morning. He wants me to come home. He knows." Darien said darkly.
I frowned. "You're a big boy. Are you going to listen to him?"
Darien mouth stretched into a sardonic smile. "That's what I keep telling myself, but he's old, Serena. He doesn't have very long to live. What can I say? I love the old guy even if I don't want to admit it. Throughout my whole life," he explained, staring straight at me with such a heartbreaking expression that it burned through my skin, "my grandfather has been the only one who cared about my sister and me. That's why I need to unknot this entire situation out. I don't want to hurt his old heart, not after raising me up to the person that I am today."
"What about your parents?" I asked him honestly. Don't your parents care about you, Darien? Don't they love you the way I yearn to know whether mine loves me?
"Serena, I'm an orphan as much as you are. The only difference between us is that I know who my parents are." He shrugged one shoulder, easily brushing off the topic. "But let's not talk about them. What I need to concentrate on is my grandfather. I honestly don't know what to do."
"Are you going to listen to him and kick your girlfriend out the door?"
Darien shook his head like a naughty little boy, "No, I've already decided to try a little persuasion. He doesn't know Ann's coming along the plane ride. I'll be damned if he kicks her out again."
I smiled and wished everything to go well for him. Darien walked into the kitchen and I followed along. Whatever Darien was trying to accomplish, I hope he can do it. He was a nice guy and deserved that happiness. Darien opened the fridge and pulled out a can of Pepsi.
I pursed my lips as he drunk down the Pepsi. "It's too bad you're going back. We really haven't done anything together yet and I still know next to nothing about you."
"Well, you know my grandfather and my younger sister, Karen."
I try to fake a laugh, trying to not sound too offended over the whole lie he had told me. "That's still next to nothing."
"I'm sorry," he said seriously and my laughter quickly dies off.
My face smoothed back into seriousness and I cleared my throat. His apology came out a bit awkward and somehow made it hard for me to answer. Should I forgive him? I asked. I had already made the decision before so why was it taking me so long now? In my head, I knew Darien's lie was a completely different reason from Ken and Lita. But it was still wrong of him to lie. I took my chance. "I forgive you," I said, the words slipped too easily from my mouth. It felt as if I wasn't even talking.
He sighed. "Thank you for understanding, Serena. I know it was wrong of me and I know it was even harder for you to forgive me. I'm sorry." He apologized one last time and everything fell into silence.
"Are you planning on coming back?"
Darien looked at me with great uncertainty. "I don't know, Serena. It doesn't look like I'll come back in a long time."
I felt lost at his word. That wasn't the answer I was looking for. "When are you leaving?"
"In a week or two," he answered. "I'm not quite sure. I haven't bought a plane ticket yet."
That was too bad, I thought and wished that he could somehow stay a little longer. We haven't really got a chance to do anything. "It's too bad."
Darien only nodded in agreement. He sighed and suddenly. "Do you mind if I ask you for some advice?"
I shook my head no.
"If you were in my situation, Serena, what would you do?"
I leaned against the nearest object, which was a woodened kitchen chair. "Trying to persuade your grandfather is probably the best thing that I will do."
"But what if he won't listen?"
"What else can you really do?"
Darien gave another restless sigh of the day and sat down gloomily. His expression seemed depressing and his beautiful eyes dimmed as he brooded himself into some deep thoughts. At that point, I wished that there was some way for me to wash that sad face away. He seemed lonely and I knew the feeling. I sat down beside him. One of my hands crept over the round kitchen table and touched his in a comforting gesture. There was a moment's electric charge at our linked hand, and I wondered if he felt it too. "Don't worry yourself to death." I said and he accepted my hand in a light squeeze. "He'll listen. Everything's going to be fine. How hard headed can your grandfather be?"
The doorbell rang then and my head turned unexpectedly to the door. I hadn't expected any company at this time.
"My girlfriend," Darien said and got up to open the door.
His girlfriend kissed him passionately at the doorway and the two of them were probably on their way to bliss heaven somewhere. Darien pulled his girlfriend closer to him stirring up this new jealousy feeling.
I stared at them, remembering all the kisses that I'd ever shared with Ken. I can still feel every kiss I had with him and I missed the feeling. I missed the intensity and the sensation of it all. My head shook furiously and mentally then, remembering to stop all thoughts of him. He only had eyes for Lita now and none for me. Ken was a jackass who deserves to go to hell, I thought angrily. But then again, I thought with a remorseful note, was it his fault that he chose Lita over me? She was attractive and amiable. Me, I didn't know what good quality I had. Beautiful? No. Charming? No. I was an orphan girl, I thought hurtfully. I inhaled a sharp breath. I needed to move on, put this in the past. And for real this time, I decided with a strong determination.
"Ann," Darien said finally remembering that I was still here. "This is Serena."
He gestured over to me.
"Hello." I greeted. His girlfriend was pretty, I noticed. Big pretty brown eyes with the cute heart shaped face. She wasn't too tall, but had a regal stature that no doubt speaks of her wealthy background.
Ann smiled gently showing her dimples clearly. She was adorable and it was no wonder why Darien dated her. "I finally get to meet the infamous Serena." Ann said. "Darien talks about you all the time."
I frowned and eyed Darien. "I'm not sure if that's good."
Ann smiled and eyed me all too closely. It was something I never approved of, but since she was Darien's girlfriend, I ignored her careful examination all together.
--------------------
I tugged my hat low enough to cover my frigid ears. It was still early November and yet it feels like winter had already arrived. Even under this bundle of clothing I had on, I was still miserably cold. The sky was growing darker each day and just about every one of the leaves lay on the ground.
Raye had called, I thought wretchedly as I slowed down my step. She suggested that we were to meet at the park today with Ami and Mina. We need to discuss the topic; she said over the telephone. Discuss what? I wonder. I thought it was over, done, complete. Why can't Raye leave it at that? I wasn't going to agree on coming, but she hung up on me. She didn't even give me a chance to say no. We were going to have another argument, I knew. But I didn't want that to happen. Contrary to Raye's belief, I still want our friendship of five to go on. I didn't want it to shatter to bits, but it did. It just happened, and I wish that somehow Raye would, maybe could, understand what I was going through.
As I entered the park's entrance, my footsteps slowed even more. Maybe I shouldn't have come here, I thought with a backward step. Something regretful was going to happen today and I knew, just sensed the outcome of this won't be good. Then I shouldn't be here, my mind screamed mentally. I quickly turned myself around. About halfway through my first step toward home, I pulled back. Why was I being such a scared chicken? I asked myself. If Raye wanted this friendship of ours then so be it! There was no use in delaying it. I took an immediate turn and marched myself straight to the jungle gym, my mind set.
Upon reaching the jungle gym, I saw that it was empty. Only the bitter wind was there to greet me and the only thing that did was succeeding in making me even more reluctant about being here. I prodded myself to sit on the swing and wait. There was no use in worrying myself over the matter, I told myself. But even as I repeated the words over in my head, I couldn't help but be afraid. The park stayed silent for a while, until a couple of footsteps started this way. I heard a crunching sound of leaves and knew the gang had arrived. I looked up and quickly met Raye, beside her stood Ami and Mina. And standing far behind the group stood Lita-the one I least expected to see. God, why was she here? I didn't want to see her ever again. Why did Raye have to bring her here? My friendship with Lita was already over. Over and gone! A sudden burst of fire and hate blew in.
I hurriedly got to my feet and was ready to run as far away from this place as possible. You're a real chicken, I told myself as my feet was about to take me away.
"Don't run Serena. It won't do you any good." I heard Raye say from behind. I stood still for a moment with my back facing them. Now was the moment of truth, Serena, I told myself. "Fine, I won't run. But tell me why you brought her here." I demanded accusingly.
Ami stepped out of the group. "Serena, don't be mad. It was my idea to bring Lita. If you're going to get mad, it might as well be at me."
I looked Ami. She was always the one to take someone's anger on herself.
Mina shook her head from side to side disagreeing with Ami. She pushed Ami to the side. "No, don't be mad at Ami. She's right on calling everyone here. It's only fair that everyone be here to sort this situation out."
"And just how do we begin this?" I asked frankly. How the hell do we even talk about something like this? There were feelings involved in this, especially mine. I don't know what is going on in their heads, but mine's working perfectly.
I looked over at Lita and we eyed each other. She was completely silent and I took the moment to tell her off. "You know how I loath you. Why did you even bother coming?"
Lita opened her mouth, but then closed it as if she didn't have the guts to speak to me. She opened again to speak and it came out in a jumble. "I lied, I'll admit that. But Serena, I'm truly."
"Don't Serena me." I told her, my forehead in a deep crease. "And don't start to explain because there's really nothing to explain."
"Can you shut up and let her make things more clearly for you?" Raye growled.
Mina cleared her throat. "Raye, stay out. Just let them talk."
Ami nodded her head beside Mina, observing each of us carefully. Raye backed down; and miraculously remained quiet.
I turned my attention back to Lita. "If you were the last person on earth, Lita, I still wouldn't talk to you. You didn't need to come here. I thought we were friends, you know? How could you betray me? And to do it behind my back, Lita. You truly are a tramp because you stuck so low as to even steal your own friend's boyfriend!"
An invisible hand flew out to smack my cheeks causing me to give out a sob. My hand quickly lifted to my stinging cheeks while eyeing at Raye all together. My cheeks pricked, but my heart was bleeding even worst. So this is what it comes to, I thought numbly, a slap to end our friendship. How sad it was to end it like this.
Ami was on her way to check on my reddened cheeks, but a word from Raye stopped her. "Stay where you are, Ami. Let that slap sink through her thick skull. Just listen to yourself, Serena." She urged softly. "You've become depraved, mean, and maybe even cruel. Lita already knows she did wrong, but can you truly blame her for a feeling she had no control over? Stop being such a dope and get your empty head out of cloud nine! Ken's just a guy, one guy."
I looked at Raye scornfully at what she had just said all the while crumbling inside. Maybe I was being mean, but I didn't care. All it mattered was that I hurt. "Don't call me a dope! And don't you dare (!) tell me what to do! You have no idea what I'm feeling. To be abandoned by Ken wasn't enough, but to be betrayed by Lita too? Raye, how can you be so inconsiderate? Why, why can't you try to understand what I'm going through?"
The tears formed in my eyes. It blurred my vision and threatened to fall.
From afar, where Lita stood I heard a shuffling noise and then she spoke up. "Stop this fighting. If this is all because of me, then let me leave." She said gently. Her tone took on a tender note causing my eyes to look toward her. Raye started protesting on the side, but then a look from Lita hushed her down. She spoke again. "I know everything that's been happening is my fault. I'm sorry, Serena." She apologize sincerely, but I didn't accept it. "If it makes you happy, I would say it a million times more. But you probably don't want to hear it." She became quiet and then, "Maybe we'll see each other around." She said too gently and gave a sniff as if she was crying. Lita walked away and this time, it seemed like for the very last time.
I stood there mute until I could see Lita no more. As much as I didn't like, I actually felt regretful and ashamed of myself.
"She only came here to see you, you know, even if you despised her. She just wants your forgiveness, Serena, nothing else. " Raye stared darkly at the shattered leaves on the ground. Their friendship was divided just as the leaves were destroyed into tiny fragment. "But I guess you don't want that, do you? You're too good for that."
"Raye, will you be quiet? Stop what you're saying because you don't mean it." I heard Ami begged from the sideline.
"But I do mean it, Ami." Raye raised her cheerless eyes to meet mine and it slashed me with fury.
"If you can't forgive her then there's no use in us being friends. You bring this on yourself, Serena." Raye took a jagged breath. "I'm sorry, but we can't be friends anymore. After all this, I've realized that I'm disgusted with what you've become. See you around, Serena." She said unkindly. Raye gave resentful glance and then walked away for the second time.
The clouds darkened as Raye said her last line and I replayed those words back in my head. A lone tear fell down as I finally realized that I wanted to tell Raye to come back. "Come back!" I yelled suddenly from a sudden burst of energy, but she was too far away. "Don't go!" I screamed even louder, but she didn't turn back. Never even gave me a glance. I don't want you to go, Raye! My mind cried out. We're supposed to be friends, don't leave me behind!
The tears soon streamed down from my face and I didn't even make an effort to brush them away. I don't want to be left behind anymore! My mind suddenly flashed back to abandonment I'd felt from the orphanage. My parents left me. Raye, don't leave me behind too! "Come back," I sobbed and fell to the ground where I hugged myself for some little comfort. "Please, come back."
-------------------
I sat numbly back in one of the park's bench. My arms wrapped securely around my waist. Both my mind and body felt empty, dead even. The glow and energy in me was gone.
Every day is so wonderful
And suddenly, it's hard to breathe
Now and then, I get insecure
From all the fame, I'm so ashamed
My heart bled as I sat mutely on the bench feeling the hatred of myself. I longer detested Lita, only myself. Raye was painfully right, I thought. I caused this on myself. I've become a horrible person. But was I so awful like she had described me? A sniff came and then the tears streamed lightly downward again, retracing its earlier path.
"I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down"
Those were the lines that Christina Aguilera had sung. I am beautiful, I try to convince myself but it only caused more tears. Who was I trying to kid? I wasn't beautiful, but hateful. I was pitiful, I thought sadly.
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring me down
So don't you bring me down today
My heart burst wide open in an unrelenting ache. I felt so alone, more lost than I have ever been in my life.
To all your friends, you're delirious
So consumed in all your doom
Trying hard to fill the emptiness
The piece is gone and the puzzle undone
That's the way it is
Where are you Andrew? I called to him. I need you. I didn't usually need him, but somehow needed his comfort, needed him to tell me everything was okay like when we were little. Please come, I begged silently to him. My shoulder shook horribly. The tears kept falling and I couldn't stop them. My mind swirled more unpleasant thoughts and Darien suddenly came to my mind. I could use his shoulder right now, I thought.
You are beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring you down
You are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring you down
so don't you bring me down today...
I rose from the bench, quickly wiping away the tear drop. Andrew wasn't going to come, he was too far away. My feet took short steps at first, but then broke into a run when a couple had noticed me crying.
No matter what we do
(no matter what we do)
No matter what they say
(no matter what they say)
When the sun is shining through
Then the clouds won't stay
And everywhere we go
(everywhere we go)
The sun won't always shine
(sun won't always shine)
But tomorrow will find a way
All the other times
My mind raced as I ran out of the park. Every scene was just a flash, a swift image passing quickly through my mind and I had no recognition of where or what I was doing. I hated myself at the moment and didn't wish for anything more than to vanish myself. I hated the constant crying, the constant feeling of hate, but most of all I hated the fact that my friends hated me. I hated everything in life and now noticed that I didn't belong here. I didn't belong anywhere for the matter.
We are beautiful no matter what they say
Yes, words won't bring us down
We are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring us down
So don't you bring me down today
Don't you bring me down today
Don't you bring me down today
Ami and Mina had insisted on driving me home or at least walk me home. I had refused them, of course. I needed to find a space of my own to fight all of these emotions I was feeling. How did my life turn to be such a mess? I thought as I continued to run. About a second after my
breath ran out, I stopped completely. My breathing labored and my tummy twisted in exhaustion. My crying eyes had been dried, but the feeling still remained. I heard loud, very loud, but depressing music then and lifted my head to see the big sign. "Déjà Vu." I read the sign out loud. I didn't know how far or long I've walked, but it must have been pretty far. I looked at the sign for a moment and was very reluctant to walk away. I walked on anyway, but about a few steps later, I turned my behind back. I didn't want to go home; my mind was set on the idea. I wanted to forget about today, yesterday and ever other day after Ken ditched me. I wanted the headache and all the heartache to go away, be gone from my sight and never to return. My feet followed into the entrance. There were few people tonight, but I wasn't surprised. I heard a new club had opened a few blocks from here and was putting Déjà vu out of business. My eyes roamed the almost empty club and something caught my attention, Darien. He was sitting by himself in the darkest corner and seemed like he was sulking with himself. I walked unhurriedly up to him, my body felt exhausted. "What are you doing here?" I asked calmly, my voice sounded dry and almost emotionless as I was feeling.
Darien's head lifted dazedly and he looked at me. His eyes were much unfocused. "I'm drinking myself to death, of course." He cracked at his own corny joke and poured himself a cup from the whiskey bottle.
I sat down on a chair and decided to accompany him. "Can I have a drink?"
Darien looked drowsily from the bottle and when he managed to, pressed the whole jug toward me. "Help yourself."
I grabbed the bottle, took a whopping sip and bang it back down. The liquid stung my throat, but it soothed my ache.
Darien scooted his seat closely to mine and then put one arm on my shoulder. "You have problems too?" He asked deliriously. He hiccups a couple of times and then laughed vivaciously to himself.
I gave myself another drink and was about to take another after, but Darien grabbed the bottle away from me. "Hey, slow down with the drinks. Leave some for me, will ya?"
I wiped my mouth from the liquid that spilled on my chin. "What happened to Ann?"
Darien automatically slammed the table and looked disturbingly at me. "Don't talk about her!"
"I take it was something about Ann that brought you here."
He dunks down a gulp from the bottle. "You're damn right it's her! She kissed some other jackass in front of our apartment. Can you believe her?"
"No." I answered honestly. I certainly didn't think Ann could do such a thing. She didn't seem like the person too, but then again, how well did I know her?
"I love her. God, I love her." Darien said rubbing his hand over his face and bangs. A cry came out of his mouth, but he hid it well with another drink. He was feeling the same pain and I couldn't help but feel sorry for him. Darien stood up suddenly, his posture uneven. "Damn all women!" He raised the bottle to make a toast with everyone.
I smiled a wryly at his sudden outburst and pulled him back down after seeing some women give him deadly stares. I shook my head.
"Except for you, of course. You're nothing like that. You're too nice and decent." He whispered softly into my ears. His breath tickled my ears and a quick wave of heat . "But don't tell anyone that. It's only between you and me." I nodded my head slowly and he stood up once more. "Damn all women!"
I grabbed his untucked dress shirt and pulled him to his seat once more. Poor Darien, I thought. His love life wasn't too far more miserable from mine. Darien drank once more and suddenly, we were eye to eye. "And why are you here?" He asked. His breath stunk from all the alcohol. Darien was frantic drunk right now, and it didn't take a rocket scientist to figure that one out.
I looked down at my folded hands. "I don't know." I lied.
"It must be that son-of-a-bitch who dumped you."
"Yeah."
"Well, he's a shit head." Darien told me, his head bobbing up and down just the same. "Whoever broke your heart is a shit head. Don't let that fuckin' asshole get to you." He shook his head and then sobbed suddenly. "Don't let it fuckin' get to you." He whispered hoarsely. It was as if he was telling himself more than to me.
I nodded my head absently.
"What's that jackass's name?"
"Ken."
Darien licked his lips and nodded. "Damn Ken!" he toasted the whole bottle to the small crowd.
I pulled Darien's bottle down and drank to forget what's his name. both dropped the discussion of Ken.
As it neared 9p.m, Darien was drunk and as mad as a hatter. I, on the other hand was somewhat intoxicated, but not enough for me to loose my sensibility. I joined in Darien's song while we supported each others weight out the door.
"Where's your car?" I asked him dizzily surveying the almost empty parking lot.
Darien blinked and did a quick survey. "That one!" He pointed.
I looked at the blue truck he pointed to. "Isn't your car red? Don't you own a red sport car?"
Darien straightened his figure and scratched his head confusedly. "I do?" He asked, smiling toothily afterward.
I laughed animatedly for the first time in a long time and it felt good. "Over there," I sputtered my words and practically dragged his body over to the car.
"Maybe you should talk to Ann." I suggested to him suddenly as we neared his car. Even in this dizzy state of mind, I couldn't help but remember Darien's problem.
Darien growled, and his face gained this wild look. "I don't want to talk about her. I'm over her. Don't bring her up again!"
I took that as insult and frowned furiously at his tone. My arms went quickly to push him off and away from me. He staggered backward in confusion. "I was just trying to help. If you're so pissed off about it, fine! Drive your bloody self home!"
I staggered back to the club, upset at Darien and upset at everything else for no apparent reason.
Darien unexpectedly caught hold of my hand and had my back leaning against the side of his car within seconds. "I'm sorry," he said apologetically, but I didn't want to listen to any bull-crap. "I'm an ass. Don't listen to me."
"No, just let me go. I'm leaving! Drive yourself home." I tried to push Darien away, but he only came closer his hand unwilling to let go of me. I stuttered to speak. "Just.just let me go."
"Please stay," he whispered almost imploringly and entwined his arms around my waist. Even in my moment of drunkenness, I could see in his beautiful eye of how sorry he was. "Don't leave me. Whatever I've done, I'm sorry." He sobbed for some reason and stared peculiarly at me again for the longest time. His palm came slowly to cup my cheek as he continued his arousing stare causing a great epicenter of a volcano to erupt. His eyes changed color suddenly as if seeing something else in me. I didn't know what his eyes was doing, but whatever it was, it made me throbbed with pleasure. His face came close and our lips simply touched.
My mouth burned with a blazing sensation as his mouth stroked my lip. His In some part of my head, I could still remember the pain I went through in the name of love. I was somehow afraid of getting hurt again. But this was Darien, and it was only a kiss.
"What's wrong." he whispered his hot breath against my lip. His hand pulled my body closer until I was pressed hard against his handsome figure. "I don't entrance?" He asked almost tantalizingly. His lip became more arousing and more demanding after that. He probed my lip apart and when it finally did, my head exploded like firework in the sky. My reasonable head left me in a quick second, and I could do nothing more than follow my instinct.
My arms flung itself around his neck and I responded to him with every passion that he stirred within me. His hot tongue stroked my mouth sweetly, and I moaned.
His hands started to wander, rubbing up and down my spine and leaving brands of heated flames behind. When he finally went as far as rubbing the side of my breast, I knew things were getting out of control. He was drunk senseless and I wasn't in my right mind, I had to remind myself as I halfheartedly dragged myself away.
Darien forced me back in his arms and I had to raise my arms to stop his movement. I was out of breath from the kiss. My breath labored. "You're drunk and I don't know what I'm doing." Both of our breath mingled. "This wouldn't be right."
He was muted and staring at me in that odd way again. Did my words not make any sense? I thought and suddenly, Darien drew me within his arm holding me close. His scent quickly filled my nostril, . An unnamed emotion surged through my body, radiating all my senses until I could feel nothing but the pleasurable feeling. "I love you," he whispered slowly, almost clearly. I jerked at the sentence. Darien loved me?
His arms embraced me tighter. "Don't leave me, Ann." Darien begged, and it was enough for me to know that his words weren't meant for me. I felt my spirit plunge into the deep sea. So that was why he kissed me so passionately, I came to realize. "I love you," he whispered again.
My emotion ran wild then, and though I knew his words and his embrace weren't meant for me, my arms drew itself willingly around his waist. I knew I shouldn't, but there was this part of me that couldn't help but do so.
--------------------
I drove Darien's drunken body home after he collapsed on me at the parking lot. He was sound asleep and once in a while, I would sneak a little peek at his adorable form. He said he loved Ann, I thought dejectedly as I drove through the dark road. It was a great feeling thinking that his words were meant for me. If only, I thought and berated myself for thinking so. At the corner of my eye, I slipped yet another peak at him again and smiled at his sloppy form. His shirt was untucked in the messiest manner and his bangs fell beautifully against his head. My heart took a leap in my throat, but I tried my best to bury whatever emotion that I was feeling because tonight had been only a small kiss and his words were not even for me. I shouldn't take it seriously I told myself because in the end, Darien wouldn't remember a thing, and that was the only thought that comforted me for the night.
To be continue...
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