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Author's Note: Okay, this story contains cameo appearances by some original charas, so beh-da. It was inspired by my good friend the Koneko Idoru, and I decided to make another show to put on the newly established Idoru network. WHOO! Two whole shows! That might equal an hour if we're lucky! WHOOHOO! *insert hip shaking here* Ah well. I'll get my cousin to hop on the bandwagon. She'll do it. Eventually. And now, a word required by the annoying stuffy legal people!
Disclaimer: *yawn* Yeah, yeah, don't own RK, don't own SNL, don't own YYH, don't own FLCL, don't own the song, don't own most of the stuff in the story. Don't own some of those PS2 games I want either. No, that had nothing to do with the price of tea in China. However, the title "When the Flip Ever" does belong to me. So do my charas, and most of the voices in my head. Okay, so my charas and my voices are the same people, so what? Beh- da. On with the stupidity!
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Rurouni Idoru: *Picks nose absently with pinky, reminiscent of Haruko of FuriKuri.*
Kenshin: *offscreen* Miss Demigoddess, we're on, that we are...
RI: *Wiggles nose, messes around with hair, and scratches shoulders a little.*
Kenshin: *offscreen* Miss Idoru, we're live, you know...
RI: Right. KENSHIN! COME HERE!
Kenshin: *Dashes over, salutes* Yes, Miss Demigoddess?
RI: Assemble the entire Kenshin-gumi.
Kenshin: *Winces* All of them? You've employed so many.
RI: Okay, not all of them. Just the cannon fodder, the Wednesday Prince, one of the teenyboppers, (you know who) and...generally all of the main charas except the Concubine guards. But bring them here, for protection against whatever foul things may befall you. None of the Kenshin-gumi are concubines, right?
Kenshin: Only if Sano is, Miss Idoru.
RI: *shudders* No, the Manga-ka Idoru and the ______ Idoru have charge of that. He's just one of my voices. I like him, after all, but not that way.
Kenshin: ...The ______ Idoru?
RI: She hasn't picked out an Idoru name yet. I know she wants to be one, though. She has to. Or else I'll blackmail her with yaoi kissing scenes with her favorite guys.
Kenshin: They have yaoi with Nick Carter?
RI: Anime guys.
Kenshin: Oh. I should be going now, that I should. *Walks off to who knows where.*
RI: Konnichiwa, everyone. I am the Rurouni Idoru, Fanfic Demigoddess, Presidentress of ORO?! Productions, and one demented little otaku. Today, we'll be-
Kenshin: Miss Demigoddess, they're here...except Sano, you have to manifest him yourself, that you do.
*Kaoru and Megumi are wearing chains around their ankles and wrists. They pout. Misao is lagging slightly behind them, allowed free range of motion, and chatting endlessly with, or should I say worshipping, Aoshi. Aoshi is carrying a spear and pointing it in the general direction of the girls. He rolls his eyes. Walking just as unhappily next to him is Toguro Ototo from Yu Yu Hakusho, also carrying a spear, as if to threaten the girls. On the left is Hajime Saito, and on the right is Seijuro Hiko. Or Hiko Seijuro. Not sure how it should be arranged in this case. They also point their spears boredly toward the center of their little walking circle. Yahiko is running around, laughing, mainly at the girls, but also at the drugged monkeys hanging from the celing. And just about everything else. He's bouncing around, too, obviously full of energy today.*
RI: Kenshin-cha, did we give Yahiko Pixy Stix?
Kenshin: Yes, I think so.
RI: YAY! Anyhow, I'd like to introduce these people. *With a small pop, a rather unhappy looking Sanosuke appears.*
Sano: Y'know, you were supposed to manifest me ages ago. I just decided to manifest myself finally.
RI: Oh, go PMS somwhere else.
Sano: Hey! PMSing is THEIR department! *Points at the "girls" in chains accusingly* *Can ya tell I don' like 'em?*
RI: Good point. Now, we'll start with Kenshin-cha. Just be-flipping-cause. This is Kenshin Himura, my Secretary of Evil Defenses. He makes sure the pixies don't get out of control, Knives and the Spider Lady don't kill each other, and all sorts of good stuff like that. *applause, Kenshin bows modestly* This over here is Sanosuke Sagara, one of the priveliged few canon characters to become a voice in my head! Give him a hand, ladies and non-ladies! *more applause, Sano smiles smugly and seems to be thoroughly enjoying himself.* Here are the concubine guards, they suck, don't applaud them. *Misao claps and screams "Go Aoshi-sama!" Crickets chirp afterward.* Now the cannon fodder, Megumi Takani and Kaoru Kamiya. Feel free to jeer and throw things at them. *Sano grabs Kenshin by the arms to prevent him from stopping anything that is to happen, and the audience obliges happily. Kaoru and Megumi shriek. Saito hits himself in the head with the long wooden part of his spear that I can't remember what it's called.*
Sano: *Releases Kenshin* Didn't wanna stop the fun...
RI: Arigato, Sano-cha. And that ball of hyperactiveness is Yahiko Myojin, Prince of my palace, but only on Wednesdays. I'M SURE HE'LL THANK RANCHIKO'S CREATOR FOR THE PIXY STIX after he's done playing with the hopped-up monkeys.
Yahiko: *Laughing hysterically*
RI: By the way, I'd like to thank Megumi Takani for the drugs that made the monkeys so high in the first place.
Megumi: I didn't-
RI: SHUT IT! I'll have someone poke you repeatedly with a long, very pointy stick.
Sano: *Jumps up and down* Can I do it? Please?
RI: We'll injure her later, okies, Sano-cha?
Sano: Yay! Can we have sake too?
RI: We'll see.
Kenshin: *Opens mouth to protest, shuts it, shakes head* Never mind...Miss Demigoddess, aren't you going to say the line?
RI: The line? What line?
Kenshin: The line...you thought it up five minutes ago, that you did...
RI: OH! Right, the line! *clears throat, camera zooms in to face* Live, I guess, from ORO?! Productions headquarters, it's LATE THURSDAY AFTERNOON!
*Cheesy music plays, and an opening squence, composed of me loose with a video camera, begins. Things like a blurry shot of my face, my best friend flipping me the bird, and lots of the sky and ground can be seen. There's a particularly funny shot of a little boy with a mushroom haircut running around wearing nothing but underpants and a strapless bra.*
RI: *voiceover* It's "When the Flip Ever!" Starring a bunch of people who are too numerous to name right now, because I'm flippin' lazy!
*The opening cuts to the Rurouni Idoru and a bunch of anime girls crowding around the video camera*
RI: Is it...is it on?
Girl who looks suspiciously like RI only in anime form: It's gotta be, the light's on.
Girl with two cherry-red pigtail braids (that's a hint to where she's from, by the way): Maybe it's the off light?
Girl who looks like RI: You been watchin' Friends again, Kyoko?
Girl (Kyoko): Yeah...'Niichan likes Rachel.
Sano: *in corner* EEEVIL Camera! EEEEEEEEEEVIIIIIIL!!!!!!!!!!
*Cheesy music resumes*
RI: *Voiceover* With musical guests the Rurouni Kenshin Omake Band! And your sexy host, me, the Rurouni Idoru! And now, ladies and non-ladies, the drop-dead gorgeous Rurouni Idoru! *RI Walks out onto stage, audience cheers*
RI: *in person* *clears throat* Hey everybody! *cheering* How many of you feel like humans? *pregnant pause from audience, as if waiting* HOW MANY OF YOU FEEL LIKE TREES?! *crickets chirp, a distinct "WHAT?!" is heard from the audience* Yeah, which is why you cheer at the human part. Unless you feel like somethin' else. In which case, yell it out loudly. I, for one, feel like a sandwich. YOUKO KURAMA! I WANNA SANDWICH, NOW! *Youko Kurama walks in, wearing a strange leather getup with several confusing straps and buckles, carrying a plate with a sandwich on it.* Mmm...turkey. Now get me some chicken ramen. *he sighs, and walks away* We got what I think is gonna be a sucky show for you tonight...today, whatever...but you might like it! We got some omake, some...well, that's really it...oh, and some music, but that's really just more omake. So, now, a commercial!
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*Sano appears on screen* *He is hiding behind a peice of plexiglass with a microphone on it* Sano: Has your soul been stolen by that evil device known as a camera? Did you wake up in the sewers the next morning?
*A girl with short black hair in a half bun and a pink kimono appears* Girl: Did Shishio the mummy and his Legion of the Undead separate your body from your spirit and make you a member of the so-called "Juppongatana," which is French for "Legion of the Undead?"
*Yahiko appears on screen, sucking on one end of one of those giant Pixy Stix* Yahiko: Did an insane Mary-Sue writer deform your identity by making you look wussy and useless? Wait, why do I hafta say that one?!
*Kenshin appears on screen* Kenshin: *reading off of a piece of paper* Were you attacked by a slightly human-shaped bovine because you had a sword, and have been persecuted for killing lots of people when it was only your job?...*looks up* Oro, what is this?
*The Koneko Idoru appears on screen* KI: Have you been robbed by a psycho with a sleep mask on over his eyes after the Kao fell in a pit? Did it suck?
*Megumi appears on screen* Megumi: Are you still secretly making drugs even though no one knows about it, and not only selling those drugs to others, but using them yourself so you can think you're attractive and you can pick the man you want? *raises eyebrow scarily*
*Kaoru appears on screen* Kaoru: Okay, I'm here, what did you-*a brick falls onto her head from above* *much laughter is heard from offscreen*
*Black haired girl from before appears again* Girl: We at the Chibusa...okay, who named it that?! *Sano is heard laughing offscreen* Well, it's too late now, but I'm gonna hurt you later. We at the law offices of Chibusa and...Sanos? SANO! QUIT MESSIN' WITH THE CUE CARDS! Chibusa and SONS will fight for you! Call 1-800-HLYCRAP. That's 1-800- HLYCRAP. *The enitre group from the commercial, except Kaoru and Megumi, are shown dancing. Yahiko is staring at the black haired girl, as she waves a hand in front of his face* Sano: *still behind plexiglass* And not only will we win (*coughthroughtheiveryandtrickerycough*), we'll take you out to celebrate! With sake! And lots of it! *A happy ad-libbed logo on a piece of lined paper is shown, reading "Chibusa and Sons" in messy handwriting.* Monotonous female-sounding voice: *very fast* Wecannothelpyouifyouaremakingdrugsunlessyoucanpayreallywell.Youwillalsohavet opayforthesakecelebrationafterwards.Lackofmurderstothosenotonyoursidenotguar anteed.Weareverydangerousandshouldreallynotbetrusted. %^#*@%$(@%$(#^$(%#(%^@*$%#*%^@%^#*%^#*%^@(%&#&%^#(%&#(%*#$^#(%^#%!@*%^#
*Aoshi appears on screen, running for his life, screaming like a girl. A storm of chocolate chip cookies follows after him, some of them flaming. After the cookies, the Rurouni Idoru runs in the same direction.*
RI: Fly, my pretties, FLY! *maniacal laughter*
*The Chips Ahoy logo appears on screen, only instead of "Ahoy," it says "Aoshi."*
Stupid goofy voiceover: A thousand chips Aoshi! *Ding!*
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*Sano, again appears on screen.*Sano: The Meiji Government: *thumbs up* it sucks! *thumbs down* We got losers like Saito on the police force, no one can carry any sort of defense anymore, Captain Sagara was executed for no good reason, men are slashin' apart their wives, and...K-Kenshin...why are you lookin' at me like that? Kenshin, your eyes...they're all...gold...Kenshin, put that sakabatou away right now...Kenshin, put the sword down...*turns around and runs like the wind* MOMMY! I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE! AND WAY TOO PRETTY!
Words on screen: THIS MESSAGE BROUGHT TO YOU BY SANOSUKE SAGARA.
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Rurouni Idoru: And now, ladies and non-ladies, the Rurouni Kenshin Omake band!
*On a stage are Sano, the black haired girl from the commercial, Kenshin, and a girl with wild, messy-looking light brown hair. Sano holds a microphone. He's wearing a white tank top with the "aku" kanji on it and fairly baggy jeans. The black haired girl is standing at a keyboard that says "Ranchi" in katakana, which is her name. She's wearing a blue halter top bearing the NyQuil logo, a red miniskirt, a black studded belt, and high heeled boots. She has a nose ring, and lots of earrings. There's a red streak in the middle of her hair. Kenshin has his hair down, his right ear pierced, and a red tank top on. Due to the drum set he's sitting at, anything else is impossible to see. The big drum up front (no clue what kind of drum is is) reads RK in big letters and the katakana for "Rurouni Kenshin" underneath. Scribbled along the right hand side are the words "Saito needs a cookie." At the bottom, another note is scribbled, reading "Eat more bannanas." The brunette girl is holding a blue electric guitar. She's wearing cutoff baggy jeans, and a v-necked shirt that says "REBEL" on it. She had about as many earrings as Ranchi, and an eyebrow ring. The poeple on the instruments begin to play a tune, and Sano lifts the microphone. Ranchi is playing a bass sound on the keyboard, due to lack of a bass player.*
Sano: Pretty women out walking with gorillas down my street From my window I'm staring while my coffee goes cold Look over there
Others: Where?
There, there's a lady that I used to know She's married now or engaged or something so I'm told
All: Is she really going out with him? Is she really gonna take him home tonight? Is she really going out with him? 'Cause if my eyes don't deceive me There's something going wrong around here
Sano: Tonight's the night when I go to all the parties down my street I wash my hair and I kid myself, I look real smooth Look over there
Others: Where?
Sano: There, Here comes Amy with her new boyfriend They say that looks don't count for much And so there goes your proof
All: Is she really going out with him? Is she really gonna take him home tonight? Is she really going out with him? 'Cause if my eyes don't deceive me There's something going wrong around here Around here
Sano: But if looks could kill There's a man there who's marked down as dead 'Cause I've had my fill Listen you Take your hands from her head I get so mean around the scene Hey, hey, hey
All: Is she really going out with him? Is she really gonna take him home tonight? Is she really going out with him? 'Cause if my eyes don't deceive me There's something going wrong around here Around here
Sano: Something going wrong around here Something going wrong around here Something going wrong around here Something going wrong around *Sano puts the microphone in the stand. Kenshin and the girls play one final chord.* *Applause*
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Rurouni Idoru: *grins evilly* This is a Saturday Night Live parody! Of course there's gonna be a commercial right after the musical performance!
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*Saito appears on screen, holding a cigarette and looking, what else, serious.* Saito: *quietly* My name is Hajime Saito, and I would like to tell you the dangers of smoking cigarettes. Do not *loudly* SMOKE THEM! You can get cancer if you SMOKE THESE DELICIOUS CIGARETTES! They are a drug, you will become addicted. If you start smoking, pretty soon you will find that YOU NEED TO SMOKE THESE WONDERFUL THINGS! IF YOU don'tlistenwhenIsay DON'T SMOKE, YOU'LL DIE! Don't listen to someone who says that CIGARETTES ARE GOOD, AND FANTASIC, AND GREAT! It's only a myth that CIGARETTES CAN MAKE YOU MORE ATTRACTIVE! It's not true that WHEN YOU SMOKE, YOU LOSE WEIGHT! So don't SMOKE!
*camera pans to Kenshin and the Rurouni Idoru, who are sitting offstage.*
Kenshin: This is horrible, that it is! We shouldn't be doing this! That we shouldn't! Why are you letting him do that, Miss Demigoddess?
RI: *Grins evilly, and fans out several hundred-dollar bills* He payed me lots of money.
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*The camera pans slowly over cookies, as if the cookies are seductive.*
Sano: *voiceover* Why do I have my name put on yuppie cookies? I don't wanna sell yuppie cookies! I'd never eat these things. Put my name on a brand of sake! That I could advertise! Yeah, Sanosuke sake! That'd kick a- *someone is heard clearing their throat* Oh, right. Milsanos. They have chocolate and all sorts of other good crap in 'em. Why do I hafta advertise 'em?
RI: *voiceover* Would you rather I called them Milsaitos? Or had you advertise chicken?
Sano: You make your point! Milsanos, they really kick a-
RI: SANO!
Sano:...Butt.
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*Yahiko is shown on screen, giggling hysterically, sitting in a chair, an open pack of Pixy Stix next to him.*
Ranchi (remember, from the band and the commercial?): *behind Yahiko*See how much Banana-chan's enjoying them? Right, Banana? *bends over in front of Yahiko, facing him, smiling sweetly, and accidentally giving him an eyeful of clevage. Blood spurts from Yahiko's nose, and his chair tips over* Oh, sh*beep*...
*Sano is heard laughing loudly from offscreen*
Kenshin: *offscreen* I knew the bend was a bad idea, that I did, at least at the waist, I still say you should have bent at the knees...
Ranchi: Crap, Banana? Banana-chan? Crap, what WAS his real name? I need someone to write it down for me, I really do...oh, right! The commercial! *turns to face camera* Pixy Stix: Flavored sugar in a flimsy hollow cylinder. Yum. *turns back to Yahiko* Banana? Banana?
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*Rurouni Idoru is shown on screen, in front of two lavender-sheeted beds, one with another girl sleeping on it, in a very messy bedroom* RI: Hey! The Rurouni Idoru here, in my cousin's, the Butou Idoru's, bedroom. After staying here for a week and a half, and making two more Idorus, I have decided! If you are a girl of the age of...well, if you get most of my sick humor and find it funny, you're immature enough, an obsessed otaku like me and my pals-es, and want to join the ORO?! Productions staff, just e-mail me! Hunt around a little, you'll find it. There is no pay, but concubines and a nifty title! Plus omnipotent powers! Just type something about "Idoru"s in the subject line, I'll get it. Tell me what kind of Idoru you wanna be, and I'll see what we can do! Remeber, ORO?! Productions wants YOU! *points at the camera* Oh, and ignore my sleeping cousin, it's only two in the morning...
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*Back at ORO?! Productions headquarters, Yahiko is snoozing on the floor, Megumi and Kaoru are covered in squished tomatoes, Sano's drunk out of his mind, and the Rurouni Idoru is sitting in a big plush chair, only her head and knees are on the arms of the chair.*
RI: Well, that's our show for now, tune in when the flip ever, I might have a new episo-*thump-thump-thump th-th-thump* Ah, crap...*gets up, walks over to the source of the noise*
Sano: *In a messy heap at the bottom of a staircase* *slurring* Wh-who put those stairs there?
RI: Note to self: Never give YOU sake again!
Sano: *off-key, and slurring* But if looks could kill, there's a man there who's maaarked doooown as dead...
RI: Great. Yahiko's in a sugar-low, Sano's drunk, and no one wants to play "Throw Stuff at the Cannon Fodder" anymore. *pout* Oh well. CONCUBINES! Take me to bed, and tuck me in! I have a big day tommorrow! *Several bishonen, including, but not limited to, Mirai Trunks, Sesshomaru, Youko Kurama, Sapphire, and Mousse pick me up gently and carry me off, most of them grumbling unhappily.*
*Lights go out. Everyone who is still in their right mind or awake leaves.*
Sano: Hey, why'zisso dark? Where'd ev'rybody go? *A loud thud, followed by loud snoring is heard*
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A/N: So? How much did it suck? It was hard...But rest assured, I have other ideas for the next episode! Be prepared for Church Chat with Wolfwood, Massive Headwound Hiko, and Whenever Update with whoever I pick by then. "Chibusa," incidentally, (Not to be confused with Chibi-Usa) means "breast," which is why I had Sano put that down. The anime girls who seem to have no relevance are either my characters, or my best friend's. The Koneko Idoru thing was done with her full permission and laughter, and it makes more sense if you've read "Foreshadowing: The Kenshin-gumi on...". It's hilarious, go read it. At for the name "Bananaquack," none of us know why we call Yahiko that. Ranchiko, the girl with the black hair, is my RK character in most of my fics, and she can't remember Yahiko's name to save her life. She's said it a few times, but she was being pretty serious during those few times, so, she calls him Banana, or Bananaquack. This makes it very hard for Yahiko, who finds her very pretty. It also puts him in a tight spot if Ranchi and Tsubame are in the same room together, because Ranchi finds the relationship between Yahiko and Tsubame positively adorable. "Bananas" was purposely misspelled on that drum, it was supposed to have been written by Sano. "Saito needs a cookie" was supposed to have been written by Ranchi, and that line comes to me from Zora's mind, so I stole that from her. Don't even know her. Loved the line, though. Any other questions, e-mail me about them, just, make sure you put "Rurouni Idoru" in the subject line. Otherwise, I'll probably delete it. Ja ne and Beh-da! (P.S., I don't care about reviews, but they'd make me feel well known.)
Author's Note: Okay, this story contains cameo appearances by some original charas, so beh-da. It was inspired by my good friend the Koneko Idoru, and I decided to make another show to put on the newly established Idoru network. WHOO! Two whole shows! That might equal an hour if we're lucky! WHOOHOO! *insert hip shaking here* Ah well. I'll get my cousin to hop on the bandwagon. She'll do it. Eventually. And now, a word required by the annoying stuffy legal people!
Disclaimer: *yawn* Yeah, yeah, don't own RK, don't own SNL, don't own YYH, don't own FLCL, don't own the song, don't own most of the stuff in the story. Don't own some of those PS2 games I want either. No, that had nothing to do with the price of tea in China. However, the title "When the Flip Ever" does belong to me. So do my charas, and most of the voices in my head. Okay, so my charas and my voices are the same people, so what? Beh- da. On with the stupidity!
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Rurouni Idoru: *Picks nose absently with pinky, reminiscent of Haruko of FuriKuri.*
Kenshin: *offscreen* Miss Demigoddess, we're on, that we are...
RI: *Wiggles nose, messes around with hair, and scratches shoulders a little.*
Kenshin: *offscreen* Miss Idoru, we're live, you know...
RI: Right. KENSHIN! COME HERE!
Kenshin: *Dashes over, salutes* Yes, Miss Demigoddess?
RI: Assemble the entire Kenshin-gumi.
Kenshin: *Winces* All of them? You've employed so many.
RI: Okay, not all of them. Just the cannon fodder, the Wednesday Prince, one of the teenyboppers, (you know who) and...generally all of the main charas except the Concubine guards. But bring them here, for protection against whatever foul things may befall you. None of the Kenshin-gumi are concubines, right?
Kenshin: Only if Sano is, Miss Idoru.
RI: *shudders* No, the Manga-ka Idoru and the ______ Idoru have charge of that. He's just one of my voices. I like him, after all, but not that way.
Kenshin: ...The ______ Idoru?
RI: She hasn't picked out an Idoru name yet. I know she wants to be one, though. She has to. Or else I'll blackmail her with yaoi kissing scenes with her favorite guys.
Kenshin: They have yaoi with Nick Carter?
RI: Anime guys.
Kenshin: Oh. I should be going now, that I should. *Walks off to who knows where.*
RI: Konnichiwa, everyone. I am the Rurouni Idoru, Fanfic Demigoddess, Presidentress of ORO?! Productions, and one demented little otaku. Today, we'll be-
Kenshin: Miss Demigoddess, they're here...except Sano, you have to manifest him yourself, that you do.
*Kaoru and Megumi are wearing chains around their ankles and wrists. They pout. Misao is lagging slightly behind them, allowed free range of motion, and chatting endlessly with, or should I say worshipping, Aoshi. Aoshi is carrying a spear and pointing it in the general direction of the girls. He rolls his eyes. Walking just as unhappily next to him is Toguro Ototo from Yu Yu Hakusho, also carrying a spear, as if to threaten the girls. On the left is Hajime Saito, and on the right is Seijuro Hiko. Or Hiko Seijuro. Not sure how it should be arranged in this case. They also point their spears boredly toward the center of their little walking circle. Yahiko is running around, laughing, mainly at the girls, but also at the drugged monkeys hanging from the celing. And just about everything else. He's bouncing around, too, obviously full of energy today.*
RI: Kenshin-cha, did we give Yahiko Pixy Stix?
Kenshin: Yes, I think so.
RI: YAY! Anyhow, I'd like to introduce these people. *With a small pop, a rather unhappy looking Sanosuke appears.*
Sano: Y'know, you were supposed to manifest me ages ago. I just decided to manifest myself finally.
RI: Oh, go PMS somwhere else.
Sano: Hey! PMSing is THEIR department! *Points at the "girls" in chains accusingly* *Can ya tell I don' like 'em?*
RI: Good point. Now, we'll start with Kenshin-cha. Just be-flipping-cause. This is Kenshin Himura, my Secretary of Evil Defenses. He makes sure the pixies don't get out of control, Knives and the Spider Lady don't kill each other, and all sorts of good stuff like that. *applause, Kenshin bows modestly* This over here is Sanosuke Sagara, one of the priveliged few canon characters to become a voice in my head! Give him a hand, ladies and non-ladies! *more applause, Sano smiles smugly and seems to be thoroughly enjoying himself.* Here are the concubine guards, they suck, don't applaud them. *Misao claps and screams "Go Aoshi-sama!" Crickets chirp afterward.* Now the cannon fodder, Megumi Takani and Kaoru Kamiya. Feel free to jeer and throw things at them. *Sano grabs Kenshin by the arms to prevent him from stopping anything that is to happen, and the audience obliges happily. Kaoru and Megumi shriek. Saito hits himself in the head with the long wooden part of his spear that I can't remember what it's called.*
Sano: *Releases Kenshin* Didn't wanna stop the fun...
RI: Arigato, Sano-cha. And that ball of hyperactiveness is Yahiko Myojin, Prince of my palace, but only on Wednesdays. I'M SURE HE'LL THANK RANCHIKO'S CREATOR FOR THE PIXY STIX after he's done playing with the hopped-up monkeys.
Yahiko: *Laughing hysterically*
RI: By the way, I'd like to thank Megumi Takani for the drugs that made the monkeys so high in the first place.
Megumi: I didn't-
RI: SHUT IT! I'll have someone poke you repeatedly with a long, very pointy stick.
Sano: *Jumps up and down* Can I do it? Please?
RI: We'll injure her later, okies, Sano-cha?
Sano: Yay! Can we have sake too?
RI: We'll see.
Kenshin: *Opens mouth to protest, shuts it, shakes head* Never mind...Miss Demigoddess, aren't you going to say the line?
RI: The line? What line?
Kenshin: The line...you thought it up five minutes ago, that you did...
RI: OH! Right, the line! *clears throat, camera zooms in to face* Live, I guess, from ORO?! Productions headquarters, it's LATE THURSDAY AFTERNOON!
*Cheesy music plays, and an opening squence, composed of me loose with a video camera, begins. Things like a blurry shot of my face, my best friend flipping me the bird, and lots of the sky and ground can be seen. There's a particularly funny shot of a little boy with a mushroom haircut running around wearing nothing but underpants and a strapless bra.*
RI: *voiceover* It's "When the Flip Ever!" Starring a bunch of people who are too numerous to name right now, because I'm flippin' lazy!
*The opening cuts to the Rurouni Idoru and a bunch of anime girls crowding around the video camera*
RI: Is it...is it on?
Girl who looks suspiciously like RI only in anime form: It's gotta be, the light's on.
Girl with two cherry-red pigtail braids (that's a hint to where she's from, by the way): Maybe it's the off light?
Girl who looks like RI: You been watchin' Friends again, Kyoko?
Girl (Kyoko): Yeah...'Niichan likes Rachel.
Sano: *in corner* EEEVIL Camera! EEEEEEEEEEVIIIIIIL!!!!!!!!!!
*Cheesy music resumes*
RI: *Voiceover* With musical guests the Rurouni Kenshin Omake Band! And your sexy host, me, the Rurouni Idoru! And now, ladies and non-ladies, the drop-dead gorgeous Rurouni Idoru! *RI Walks out onto stage, audience cheers*
RI: *in person* *clears throat* Hey everybody! *cheering* How many of you feel like humans? *pregnant pause from audience, as if waiting* HOW MANY OF YOU FEEL LIKE TREES?! *crickets chirp, a distinct "WHAT?!" is heard from the audience* Yeah, which is why you cheer at the human part. Unless you feel like somethin' else. In which case, yell it out loudly. I, for one, feel like a sandwich. YOUKO KURAMA! I WANNA SANDWICH, NOW! *Youko Kurama walks in, wearing a strange leather getup with several confusing straps and buckles, carrying a plate with a sandwich on it.* Mmm...turkey. Now get me some chicken ramen. *he sighs, and walks away* We got what I think is gonna be a sucky show for you tonight...today, whatever...but you might like it! We got some omake, some...well, that's really it...oh, and some music, but that's really just more omake. So, now, a commercial!
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*Sano appears on screen* *He is hiding behind a peice of plexiglass with a microphone on it* Sano: Has your soul been stolen by that evil device known as a camera? Did you wake up in the sewers the next morning?
*A girl with short black hair in a half bun and a pink kimono appears* Girl: Did Shishio the mummy and his Legion of the Undead separate your body from your spirit and make you a member of the so-called "Juppongatana," which is French for "Legion of the Undead?"
*Yahiko appears on screen, sucking on one end of one of those giant Pixy Stix* Yahiko: Did an insane Mary-Sue writer deform your identity by making you look wussy and useless? Wait, why do I hafta say that one?!
*Kenshin appears on screen* Kenshin: *reading off of a piece of paper* Were you attacked by a slightly human-shaped bovine because you had a sword, and have been persecuted for killing lots of people when it was only your job?...*looks up* Oro, what is this?
*The Koneko Idoru appears on screen* KI: Have you been robbed by a psycho with a sleep mask on over his eyes after the Kao fell in a pit? Did it suck?
*Megumi appears on screen* Megumi: Are you still secretly making drugs even though no one knows about it, and not only selling those drugs to others, but using them yourself so you can think you're attractive and you can pick the man you want? *raises eyebrow scarily*
*Kaoru appears on screen* Kaoru: Okay, I'm here, what did you-*a brick falls onto her head from above* *much laughter is heard from offscreen*
*Black haired girl from before appears again* Girl: We at the Chibusa...okay, who named it that?! *Sano is heard laughing offscreen* Well, it's too late now, but I'm gonna hurt you later. We at the law offices of Chibusa and...Sanos? SANO! QUIT MESSIN' WITH THE CUE CARDS! Chibusa and SONS will fight for you! Call 1-800-HLYCRAP. That's 1-800- HLYCRAP. *The enitre group from the commercial, except Kaoru and Megumi, are shown dancing. Yahiko is staring at the black haired girl, as she waves a hand in front of his face* Sano: *still behind plexiglass* And not only will we win (*coughthroughtheiveryandtrickerycough*), we'll take you out to celebrate! With sake! And lots of it! *A happy ad-libbed logo on a piece of lined paper is shown, reading "Chibusa and Sons" in messy handwriting.* Monotonous female-sounding voice: *very fast* Wecannothelpyouifyouaremakingdrugsunlessyoucanpayreallywell.Youwillalsohavet opayforthesakecelebrationafterwards.Lackofmurderstothosenotonyoursidenotguar anteed.Weareverydangerousandshouldreallynotbetrusted. %^#*@%$(@%$(#^$(%#(%^@*$%#*%^@%^#*%^#*%^@(%&#&%^#(%&#(%*#$^#(%^#%!@*%^#
*Aoshi appears on screen, running for his life, screaming like a girl. A storm of chocolate chip cookies follows after him, some of them flaming. After the cookies, the Rurouni Idoru runs in the same direction.*
RI: Fly, my pretties, FLY! *maniacal laughter*
*The Chips Ahoy logo appears on screen, only instead of "Ahoy," it says "Aoshi."*
Stupid goofy voiceover: A thousand chips Aoshi! *Ding!*
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*Sano, again appears on screen.*Sano: The Meiji Government: *thumbs up* it sucks! *thumbs down* We got losers like Saito on the police force, no one can carry any sort of defense anymore, Captain Sagara was executed for no good reason, men are slashin' apart their wives, and...K-Kenshin...why are you lookin' at me like that? Kenshin, your eyes...they're all...gold...Kenshin, put that sakabatou away right now...Kenshin, put the sword down...*turns around and runs like the wind* MOMMY! I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE! AND WAY TOO PRETTY!
Words on screen: THIS MESSAGE BROUGHT TO YOU BY SANOSUKE SAGARA.
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Rurouni Idoru: And now, ladies and non-ladies, the Rurouni Kenshin Omake band!
*On a stage are Sano, the black haired girl from the commercial, Kenshin, and a girl with wild, messy-looking light brown hair. Sano holds a microphone. He's wearing a white tank top with the "aku" kanji on it and fairly baggy jeans. The black haired girl is standing at a keyboard that says "Ranchi" in katakana, which is her name. She's wearing a blue halter top bearing the NyQuil logo, a red miniskirt, a black studded belt, and high heeled boots. She has a nose ring, and lots of earrings. There's a red streak in the middle of her hair. Kenshin has his hair down, his right ear pierced, and a red tank top on. Due to the drum set he's sitting at, anything else is impossible to see. The big drum up front (no clue what kind of drum is is) reads RK in big letters and the katakana for "Rurouni Kenshin" underneath. Scribbled along the right hand side are the words "Saito needs a cookie." At the bottom, another note is scribbled, reading "Eat more bannanas." The brunette girl is holding a blue electric guitar. She's wearing cutoff baggy jeans, and a v-necked shirt that says "REBEL" on it. She had about as many earrings as Ranchi, and an eyebrow ring. The poeple on the instruments begin to play a tune, and Sano lifts the microphone. Ranchi is playing a bass sound on the keyboard, due to lack of a bass player.*
Sano: Pretty women out walking with gorillas down my street From my window I'm staring while my coffee goes cold Look over there
Others: Where?
There, there's a lady that I used to know She's married now or engaged or something so I'm told
All: Is she really going out with him? Is she really gonna take him home tonight? Is she really going out with him? 'Cause if my eyes don't deceive me There's something going wrong around here
Sano: Tonight's the night when I go to all the parties down my street I wash my hair and I kid myself, I look real smooth Look over there
Others: Where?
Sano: There, Here comes Amy with her new boyfriend They say that looks don't count for much And so there goes your proof
All: Is she really going out with him? Is she really gonna take him home tonight? Is she really going out with him? 'Cause if my eyes don't deceive me There's something going wrong around here Around here
Sano: But if looks could kill There's a man there who's marked down as dead 'Cause I've had my fill Listen you Take your hands from her head I get so mean around the scene Hey, hey, hey
All: Is she really going out with him? Is she really gonna take him home tonight? Is she really going out with him? 'Cause if my eyes don't deceive me There's something going wrong around here Around here
Sano: Something going wrong around here Something going wrong around here Something going wrong around here Something going wrong around *Sano puts the microphone in the stand. Kenshin and the girls play one final chord.* *Applause*
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Rurouni Idoru: *grins evilly* This is a Saturday Night Live parody! Of course there's gonna be a commercial right after the musical performance!
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*Saito appears on screen, holding a cigarette and looking, what else, serious.* Saito: *quietly* My name is Hajime Saito, and I would like to tell you the dangers of smoking cigarettes. Do not *loudly* SMOKE THEM! You can get cancer if you SMOKE THESE DELICIOUS CIGARETTES! They are a drug, you will become addicted. If you start smoking, pretty soon you will find that YOU NEED TO SMOKE THESE WONDERFUL THINGS! IF YOU don'tlistenwhenIsay DON'T SMOKE, YOU'LL DIE! Don't listen to someone who says that CIGARETTES ARE GOOD, AND FANTASIC, AND GREAT! It's only a myth that CIGARETTES CAN MAKE YOU MORE ATTRACTIVE! It's not true that WHEN YOU SMOKE, YOU LOSE WEIGHT! So don't SMOKE!
*camera pans to Kenshin and the Rurouni Idoru, who are sitting offstage.*
Kenshin: This is horrible, that it is! We shouldn't be doing this! That we shouldn't! Why are you letting him do that, Miss Demigoddess?
RI: *Grins evilly, and fans out several hundred-dollar bills* He payed me lots of money.
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*The camera pans slowly over cookies, as if the cookies are seductive.*
Sano: *voiceover* Why do I have my name put on yuppie cookies? I don't wanna sell yuppie cookies! I'd never eat these things. Put my name on a brand of sake! That I could advertise! Yeah, Sanosuke sake! That'd kick a- *someone is heard clearing their throat* Oh, right. Milsanos. They have chocolate and all sorts of other good crap in 'em. Why do I hafta advertise 'em?
RI: *voiceover* Would you rather I called them Milsaitos? Or had you advertise chicken?
Sano: You make your point! Milsanos, they really kick a-
RI: SANO!
Sano:...Butt.
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*Yahiko is shown on screen, giggling hysterically, sitting in a chair, an open pack of Pixy Stix next to him.*
Ranchi (remember, from the band and the commercial?): *behind Yahiko*See how much Banana-chan's enjoying them? Right, Banana? *bends over in front of Yahiko, facing him, smiling sweetly, and accidentally giving him an eyeful of clevage. Blood spurts from Yahiko's nose, and his chair tips over* Oh, sh*beep*...
*Sano is heard laughing loudly from offscreen*
Kenshin: *offscreen* I knew the bend was a bad idea, that I did, at least at the waist, I still say you should have bent at the knees...
Ranchi: Crap, Banana? Banana-chan? Crap, what WAS his real name? I need someone to write it down for me, I really do...oh, right! The commercial! *turns to face camera* Pixy Stix: Flavored sugar in a flimsy hollow cylinder. Yum. *turns back to Yahiko* Banana? Banana?
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*Rurouni Idoru is shown on screen, in front of two lavender-sheeted beds, one with another girl sleeping on it, in a very messy bedroom* RI: Hey! The Rurouni Idoru here, in my cousin's, the Butou Idoru's, bedroom. After staying here for a week and a half, and making two more Idorus, I have decided! If you are a girl of the age of...well, if you get most of my sick humor and find it funny, you're immature enough, an obsessed otaku like me and my pals-es, and want to join the ORO?! Productions staff, just e-mail me! Hunt around a little, you'll find it. There is no pay, but concubines and a nifty title! Plus omnipotent powers! Just type something about "Idoru"s in the subject line, I'll get it. Tell me what kind of Idoru you wanna be, and I'll see what we can do! Remeber, ORO?! Productions wants YOU! *points at the camera* Oh, and ignore my sleeping cousin, it's only two in the morning...
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*Back at ORO?! Productions headquarters, Yahiko is snoozing on the floor, Megumi and Kaoru are covered in squished tomatoes, Sano's drunk out of his mind, and the Rurouni Idoru is sitting in a big plush chair, only her head and knees are on the arms of the chair.*
RI: Well, that's our show for now, tune in when the flip ever, I might have a new episo-*thump-thump-thump th-th-thump* Ah, crap...*gets up, walks over to the source of the noise*
Sano: *In a messy heap at the bottom of a staircase* *slurring* Wh-who put those stairs there?
RI: Note to self: Never give YOU sake again!
Sano: *off-key, and slurring* But if looks could kill, there's a man there who's maaarked doooown as dead...
RI: Great. Yahiko's in a sugar-low, Sano's drunk, and no one wants to play "Throw Stuff at the Cannon Fodder" anymore. *pout* Oh well. CONCUBINES! Take me to bed, and tuck me in! I have a big day tommorrow! *Several bishonen, including, but not limited to, Mirai Trunks, Sesshomaru, Youko Kurama, Sapphire, and Mousse pick me up gently and carry me off, most of them grumbling unhappily.*
*Lights go out. Everyone who is still in their right mind or awake leaves.*
Sano: Hey, why'zisso dark? Where'd ev'rybody go? *A loud thud, followed by loud snoring is heard*
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A/N: So? How much did it suck? It was hard...But rest assured, I have other ideas for the next episode! Be prepared for Church Chat with Wolfwood, Massive Headwound Hiko, and Whenever Update with whoever I pick by then. "Chibusa," incidentally, (Not to be confused with Chibi-Usa) means "breast," which is why I had Sano put that down. The anime girls who seem to have no relevance are either my characters, or my best friend's. The Koneko Idoru thing was done with her full permission and laughter, and it makes more sense if you've read "Foreshadowing: The Kenshin-gumi on...". It's hilarious, go read it. At for the name "Bananaquack," none of us know why we call Yahiko that. Ranchiko, the girl with the black hair, is my RK character in most of my fics, and she can't remember Yahiko's name to save her life. She's said it a few times, but she was being pretty serious during those few times, so, she calls him Banana, or Bananaquack. This makes it very hard for Yahiko, who finds her very pretty. It also puts him in a tight spot if Ranchi and Tsubame are in the same room together, because Ranchi finds the relationship between Yahiko and Tsubame positively adorable. "Bananas" was purposely misspelled on that drum, it was supposed to have been written by Sano. "Saito needs a cookie" was supposed to have been written by Ranchi, and that line comes to me from Zora's mind, so I stole that from her. Don't even know her. Loved the line, though. Any other questions, e-mail me about them, just, make sure you put "Rurouni Idoru" in the subject line. Otherwise, I'll probably delete it. Ja ne and Beh-da! (P.S., I don't care about reviews, but they'd make me feel well known.)