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A/N: Well, I'm back for more! Surprised? I know I am. Well, anyhow, enough of my blabber, here goes!
Disclaimer: No, I don't own anything that we know is copyrighted. But ORO?! Productions belongs to me and all of the other Idorus. We'll share, if you wanna join...please...before school starts, and I have enough time to induct new Idorus...
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Kenshin: Oro, I thought you said you didn't want the concubine guards, that I did.
RI: No, Kenshin-cha, that was last episode. This is this episode.
Kenshin: Alright, Miss Demigoddess, but are you sure sensei is right for the part?
RI: Yeah, I had him and Sano get good and sloshed. Anybody could do something like that with such a blood alcohol level.
Kenshin: Sensei I can understand, but Sano...?
RI: In case he was a social drinker. Sano sure as flip is.
Kenshin: What if he hadn't been?
RI: I'd pretend I was worried about Sano's liver or something and drag him back into my head.
Kenshin: *blink blink* Amazing, that it is...
RI: And the beauty is, they'd both be so drunk, they'd forget I gave them the booze in the first place. I got into three advanced classes for a reason...well, two, really, but close enough.
Kenshin: ...ORO?!
RI: What, what happened?
Kenshin: The camera's on! We're live, that we are! The audience has seen the whole conversation, that they have! They know!
RI: Oh...crap...um...*dances strangely as if trying to distract them*
Kenshin: I don't think that will work, that I don't...
RI: I know, I'm just stalling for time. *twirls*
Studio Audience: *Patronizing glare*
RI: Okay, okay, I know. I'm a terrible person, getting my employees drunk for the sake of ratings, but in my defense, I have one thing to say...
*camera zooms in on face* LIVE FROM ORO?! PRODUCTIONS HEADQUARTERS, IT'S FRIDAY AFTERNOON!
Kenshin: Oro, this is not the opening we talked about, that it isn't...
*Cheesy music plays, and an opening squence, composed of me loose with a video camera, begins. Things like a messy bedroom, me accidentally hitting my nephew in the head with his own knee, and lots of rugs and celings can be seen. There's a particularly funny shot of myself and the Koneko Idoru throwing pool water at each other from bowls.*
RI: *voiceover* It's "When the Flip Ever!" Starring a bunch of people who are too numerous to name right now, because I'm flippin' lazy!
*The opening cuts to Sano running away screaming from the video camera*
Sano: SEWERS! DON'T TAKE MY SOUL! OKAY, FINE, TAKE MY SOUL, BUT PLEASE, PLEASE DON'T TAKE MY PRETTY! I'M TOO SEXY FOR THIS!
RI: *behind camera* Sano, Sano, no it's off! I think...is that the off light? *goes in front of camera* Ah crap. MI-CHAN! HOW THE FLIP DO YOU TURN THIS OFF?! MIIIII-CHAAAAN! *the shot gets very blurry and shaky, as I am running with the camera.*
*Cheesy music resumes*
RI: *Voiceover* With musical guest Junko Hillsburg Sullivan Saverem the First! Jeeze, I made that up, and I can't even remember it... And, of course, your beautiful host, me, the Rurouni Idoru! And now, ladies and non- ladies, the very attractive Rurouni Idoru! *RI Walks out onto stage, audience cheers*
RI: Thank you! Thank you, thank you, and eff you! In the words of Denis Leary, of course. He was one of the two reasons Ranchiko's shirt said NyQuil last episode. The other was Lewis Black. Now, this is a very special episode, because it's a very special day! That's right, the Rurouni Idoru's best friend is returning from Colombia! She called me a little while ago from Miami! WHOO! *applause* She should be here at about eight, so I'll be gone then. Probably finish this episode later tonight or earlier tommorrow. But, rest assured, we got all sorts 'a irrelevant crap for you now! Such as this sketch!
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Kenshin: *voiceover* And now, it's time for Church Chat, with the Church Lady, that it is.
*Nicholas D. Wolfwood sits unhappily at a desk, wearing a gray wig, glasses, and makeup. There's a cigarette in his mouth, and he has his arms crossed over his purple-bloused chest. The cross punisher is behind his chair.*
Wolfwood: I told you already, I'm not doing this.
RI: *voiceover* Eff yes you are, priest boy! Now get the cigarette out of your mouth and talk about how you're the only one who doesn't constantly sin!
Wolfwood: But that's not true!
RI: *voiceover* Why it's called acting, Wolfwood. Now be a stuffy ol' lady for me, or I'm cutting your pay.
Wolfwood: You're not paying me!
RI: Oh. Yeah. Well, c'mon, you're doing it. Now, Wolf-boy, now!
Wolfwood: I'm not doing this.
RI: *falsely innocent* Then why are you dressed up like that?
Wolfwood: *exact same tone as RI* Because you tied me down.
RI: You know, if you Trigun guys had brains, you'd be REALLY flippin' dangerous! I mean, destroy July, kill some kids, take over the planet, sure. But if you really gained some I.Q., you would cause the need for another Project SEEDS ship to take off.
Wolfwood: What do you mean?
RI: I ain't tellin' you! You'll shoot up my entire set!
Wolfwood: *turns around* Hey, I forgot you let me keep that.
RI: Only with persuasion from Kenshin.
Wolfwood: ...I found it, y'know.
RI: I know. And now you're gonna make big boomy explosion things and break stuff and escape.
Wolfwood: You don't mind?
RI: Actually, I was hoping that'd be how you'd end the Church Chat sketch.
Wolfwood: Alright. *whips out the cross punisher, does his cool "Priest- with-a-giagantic-cross-shaped-gun" thing, shoots up the entire Church Chat set.*
RI: Nicholas D. Wolfwood, ladies and non-ladies. *applause*
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Sano: *offscreen* You're a genius!
*Yahiko appears on screen.* Yahiko: Were you or someone you know mercilessly slaughtered by the Hitokiri Battousai during the Bakumatsu? *looks to the side* Was that mature enough?
*Saito appears on screen* Saito: This is stupid. I'm not going to be in your stupid commercial.
Offscreen voice: We'll give you cigarettes!
Another offscreen voice: Hey! Those're mine!
Saito: *clears throat, looks at camera* Were you in a fight with the Battousai, where you received scars that will not heal? Was your physical appearance damaged permanently because of it? Have you, over the years, become horribly deformed and...*raises eyebrow* Is there a reason I was given such a line?
*laughing is heard offscreen*
RI: *offscreen* Sano's a comic genius, it was too good! I'm sorry! I couldn't pass it up!
Sano: *laughing hysterically offscreen*
Saito: Aku Soku Zan, tori-atama...
Sano: Ooh, that supposed to scare me?
Saito: Well, since your back says "Aku," yes it is. I'm supposed to kill you immediately.
Sano: Which you haven't done.
Saito: I'm waiting for the perfect time to strike.
RI: *offsceen* Oh, flip this, Yahiko, the line!
Yahiko: *pushes past Saito* We'll give you comp...comp...how d'you say that?
RI: *offscreen* Compensation.
Yahiko: ...Compensation for Battousai injuries. All winnigs come from the Battousai's own pocket.
Sano: *loudly* Say the name!
Yahiko: Whaddya mean?
Sano: Say "Chibusa and Sanos!"
RI: *offscreen* Moron, you just did.
Sano: Oh, yeah...
RI: *Sighs, walks in front of camera* Call 1-800-HLYCRAP. Beh-da.
Monotonous female-sounding voice: *very fast* BattousaicompensationmoneydoesnotinfactcomefromtheBattousaihimself.Ithasbeen moochedoffoftheKaowoman.ItwillprobablycostyoumorethanyoumakebecausetheKenshi n- gumiisbrokeandneedsmoney.Notallcasesapproved,especiallynotifyouarelookingfor revengeortitles.
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*Sano is shown, sitting unhappily on a rock, head in hands. Chickens are running around him, squaking. The backdrop is a cheesy looking bright blue sky and big green field with symmetrical, opaque clouds, and a smiling sun, who is wearing sunglasses, and apparently singing.*
Sano: ............................................................*blink, blink*...........................So...why am I sitting here with chickens and a jazz-playing sun? I seem to have forgotten.
RI: *offscreen* It's a commercial.
Sano: What could it possibly be a commercial for? I'm sitting on a rock, with chickens, and this thing back here that looks like Yahiko drew it-
Yahiko: *offscreen* Hey!
Sano: -So what is this advertising?
RI: Um...
Sano: What?!
RI: We haven't decided what it's for yet.
Sano: *through clenched teeth* So then why are we filming it?
RI: I can't...Yahiko, tell him.
Yahiko: It just seemed really funny.
Sano: I'm gonna kick your...
Yahiko: Calm down! The Demigoddess, she wanted me to, and I really do owe her for giving Ranchiko life and...*raves about Ranchiko*
Sano: *raises eyebrow* Can we end this stupid thing?
RI: Sure.
Sano: You'll never air this, right?
RI: 'Course not.
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*A shot of Megumi dancing on tables, men looking up her kimono, and eventually falling off a table into the arms of an old man plays.*
*Kenshin appears on screen* Kenshin: Say no to drugs, kids. It's easy. Just say no.
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RI: *in costume, amongst what looks like a party of some sort* *to Vash the Stampede* Wow, Michael, the party seems to be going great!
Vash: *swallows the 3 donuts in his mouth* Yeah! Especially with all these donuts! *eats another donut*
RI: *clears throat loudly*
Vash: Oh, yeah, right. But it might not stay so great, Rebecca.
RI: What do you mean, Michael?
Vash: For one, we're running out of donuts. But more importantly to the storyline, I had to invite someone from work.
RI: Who?
Vash: *dramatic pause* Hiko. *RI looks terrified, as the words MASSIVE HEADWOUND HIKO appear on screen. Doinky music plays.*
Yahiko: *voiceover* It's Massive Headwound Hiko! Today's episode: The Cocktail Party!
RI: Hiko?! Why him?!
Vash: He heard me talking about it, I had to invite him!
RI: We're in deep crap. *Vash nods.*
*A thoroughly wasted Hiko, wearing a cap shaped like a brain covered in cherry cake-gel, walks in*
Hiko: So I said, "Kuzu Ryu-*Thud. Hiko falls to the floor face-first.* *Notaro, Kuroneko-sama, Ai the Tabby, and several other dogs and cats walk over and begin licking the cake gel off. Notaro tries to steal the cap off of Hiko's head. Notaro thoroughly succeeds, and wanders off to bury it, the other animals following him, for hopes of another lick of it.*
Kenshin: *runs up from offstage* MOMMY!
RI: Wait, Kenshin, you're not in this ske-*turns around slowly* Sanosuke?
Sano: *also totally smashed* Yeeeeees?
RI: Did you give Kenshin sake?
Sano: *slurring* Well, he jus' seemed so sad, and I though' some sake migh' make him feeeeel better. *Hiccups, and he, too, falls over landing square on his bottom.*
RI: *looks very unamused, whips out a bat from hammerspace, and attempts to hit a home run with Sano's head. However, Sano's head is attached firmly to his body, simply causing him a concusssion.* This is gonna su-uh-uuuuuck...
Kenshin: *hugs Hiko* Mommy! I love you, Mommy...
Hiko: *sniffle, sits up, hugs Kenshin* C'mere, son...
RI: Oh, Goddess...
Hiko: I'm so happy...I finally have a family of my own...
Kenshin: I love you so much, Mommy...
RI: Oh dear sweet Lordess...Cut to commercial! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS SACRED, HOLY AND/OR SALTY, CUT TO COMMERCIAL!
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Deep Female Voiceover: It is the attitude? *Black and white shot of Ranchiko wearing jeans and a tank top, looking disdainful and giving the camera the finger* No. No it isn't. Is it the angst? *Black and white shot of Yahiko practicing with his bokken, looking disdainful, and wearing jeans and a t-shirt.* No. That has nothing to do with it. Is it the money? *B&W shot of Ranchi and Yahiko throwing money around, as if extremely happy to have so much, but, you guessed it, they look disdainful. Also, both still wearing the trendy clothes.* Maybe a little. Is it the Pixy Stix? *B&W shot of Ranchi and Yahiko, in the same clothes as before, disdainfully eating Pixy Stix.* Not one little bit. Is it the pants? *B&W shot of Ranchi and Yahiko posing disdainfully* Yes. Yes it is. Meiji Jeans. *Ranchi puts her arm around Yahiko protectively, Yahiko instantly spurts a nosebleed, losing the disdainful look, and Ranchi turns around, looking extremely worried*
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Kenshin: *voiceover* Oro, I don't want to relive this...*shot of Kenshin being hit by a hammer wielded by Kaoru*
RI: *voiceover* WELL TOO BAD! You're gonna! If I had to film it, You hafta remember it! *Shot of RI spinning camera, picking up Vash the Stampede, and throwing him at a bunch of rabid fangirls, then taking her place at the camera again, and giving a thumbs-up.*
Kenshin: *voiceover* Now do you really have to put that in? *Shot of the Koneko Idoru giving Kenshin a paperclip, fifty cents, and a how to be a talk show host guide while Kenshin holds a telephone to his ear.*
RI: *voiceover* Of course we do! *Shot of Millions Knives, or...whatever, trying to smile sexy, and ending up looking like a crack-addicted pychopath. Which he is.*
Kenshin: *voiceover* Oro, jut tell them about the show... *Shot of Kenshin talking desperately to KI*
RI: *voiceover* My pleasure! Hansu: Just...talk. On the Idoru Network at...um...crap, you think we should find out what time they're on before we promote them? *Shot of Vash flopping around like a noodle on the floor, and Kenshin about to spring into action*
Kenshin: Yes, I think so, that I do. *shot of Kenshin running accross the stage, screaming. Kaoru chases him. On the KI's command, several geeky guys shoot tranqulizers at her*
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RI: And now, ladies and non-ladies, Junko Hillsburg Sullivan Saverem the first.
*A girl done in Trigun style, but with a rounder face than most Trigun charas, stands, smiling shyly, on the stage. Her hair is dirty/honey blonde, her eyes light blue, and she's wearing a simple pink sleeveless shirt and knee-length dark-pink skirt. On her feet are pink sandals. She wears a bunch of rings and bracelets on her left arm, and two shell necklaces. She picks up the microphone as the band behind her begins playing.*
Junko: *smile widens*You ask me why I change the color of my hair, yeah
You ask me why I need thirty two pairs of shoes to wear
You seem to ask me why I got a lot of things, it's just a chick thing
You ought to let it go and try to understand but you don't have a clue.
That's what girls do
They keep you guessing the whole day through
Play your emotions push all your buttons it's true
That's what girls do
You ask me why I gotta play so hard to get, yeah
You ask me do I play it cool just to make you sweat, yeah
You want some kind of explanation I can give
It's just a chick thing that you're messin' with
To me it's black and and white
But to you it's not getting through to you.
That's what girls do
They keep you guessing the whole day through
Play your emotions push all your buttons it's true
That's what girls do
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah, why should I change?
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah, I'm havin' too much fun.
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah, to you it's confusing
To me it's nothing new..
That's what girls do
That's what girls do
They keep you guessing the whole day through
Play your emotions push all your buttons it's true
That's what girls.
That's what girls do
They keep you guessing the whole day through
Play your emotions push all your buttons it's true
That's what girls do
That's what girls do
They keep you guessing the whole day through
Play all your emotions push all your buttons it's true
That's what girls do
That's what girls do
That's what girls go
Girls
You ask me why I change the color of my hair yeah...*she puts the microphone back in its stand, bows, and walks off the stage, tripping once in the journey.**Applause, but not for the trip, for the singing.*
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*Wolfwood appears on screen, looking serious* Wolfwood: It's five p.m. Do you know where your children are?
Ranchi: *dragging right leg across camera* I sure as he** do! *She angrily pulls her right leg forward with a great heave. The camera pans down to reveal Yahiko latched to it. He blows a raspberry at Sano, who's chasing him, wanting to play "Yahiko Volleyball." Kenshin is waving his arms telling all of them to calm down. Kaoru is running after Kenshin, screaming her head off about one thing or another that they've all done wrong, which they probably have, but she deserved it.* I FEEL LIKE A MOTHER OF FOUR! *drag, drag, drag.*
Wolfwood: *stares, as they leave the scene*.........Riiiiight...
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*RI is shown against the backdrop of her very messy bedroom.*
RI: Hey! This is the Rurouni Idoru to once again remind you that, if you are an immature, whacked-out, obsessed little otaku girl like me or the Koneko Idoru, you're wanted at ORO?! Productions! Send me an e-mail about it, but make sure to type the word "Idoru" in the subject line somewhere, or I may well accidentally delete it! Tell me what kind of Idoru you wanna be, and I'll see what can be done, okies? Ja ne and beh-da! *flashes peace sign, fade out*
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*Sano appears on screen* Sano: Is your bladder full? Of urine? Do you have to take a leak? A whiz? A pee-pee? Do you hafta go pee-ee-ee? You gotta go to the bathroom? Well, what're you sittin' there for, GO! Make a beeline for the toilet, and don't come back until your bladder is empty!*turns around, walks off*
Words on screen: THIS MESSAGE BROUGHT TO YOU BY SANOSUKE SAGARA. *the word "useless" has been scribbled over the first line, with an arrow pointing between "THIS" and "MESSAGE."*
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*Shot of a building. The camera angle twirls and spins around the building. Blah.* Ranchi: *voiceover* And now, from the news capital of ORO?! Productions, it's Whenever Update with Yahiko...oh that's it, huh? Oh, yeah. Yahiko Myojin and...NANYO?! RANCHIKO MASANUMI?! I CAN'T DO THE NEWS!*cut to inside the building*
Ranchi: I can't beleive I'm doing the news...can someone at least make Banana-chan pay attention to his cue cards, here? He's drooling...Guys, c'mon, this ain't funny!
Yahiko: *stare* *drool*
Ranchi: Banana-chan...Banana-chan...*looks at cue card*....Yahiko?
Yahiko: *immediately snaps out of it* You...you remembered...
Ranchi: Ee-yup, now we gotta do the news.
Yahiko: Oh. That sucks.
Ranchi: I agree. But I guess it's either us or drunken-fest over there...*gestures toward the still drunk Hiko, Sano, and Kenshin.*
Yahiko: They're still like that?
Ranchi: Yeah, 'member when you accidentally drank that sake, you were a maniac for all of 5 hours! Then of course, you passed out, but still.
Yahiko: *blushes* Ranchi-chan, that's...people are watching this...
Ranchi: Oh, sorry, Banana-chan. Want me to tell some of my embarassing drunk stories?
Yahiko: No, that's alright! You don't deserve to be embarassed! Not in front of the whole...well, all these people here! *gestures at the audience*
Ranchi: Once, I got so drunk, I actually seemed to think Banana-chan was my age, and I kissed him full on the mouth...
Yahiko: *Exploding nosebleed sets him off balance, and toppling backward*
Ranchi: Oh, sh**! Banana? Banana? Naner-chan? Oh, not again, when the he**'s he gonna get over it?! Ba-naaa-naaaaaaaa! This is so not fair...I don't deserve this, I went to school! I lived with Misturu for eleven years! She burned down our house! More than once! *Begins banging head against the news desk*
RI: *voiceover, overriding the sound of Ranchi's head-banging* The Whenever Update will not feature any news tonight, as I, the Rurouni Idoru, have not watched the news in some time, and therefore, do not know what's going on in the world. Plus, tonight's anchors are not only hopeless, but come from the Meiji Era, and thusly have no hope of understanding any of it. I pity them both.
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*Shot of Kaoru on a wooden raft in the middle of the ocean. The waves rock her back and forth, up and down. It starts on her solemn face, but slowly zooms out to reveal the entire ugly picture. After a few seconds of just Kaoru floating, she begins to turn green, bends over, and vomits over the side of the raft.*
Whispering female voiceover: Floating. The new fragrance from Kamatari Beauty Care.
^&#%^&%@&(*#()%*^@$*^#!!#@$#%$^%&^*&(*)(&*^%$#@$!%$^&$^#^%&#&$&@%#^&*$!%!
*A shot of RI smashing up a computer with a sledgehammer plays.*
RI: *voiceover* Does this have a point? Not really, no. Just watch me bashing in my computer. It sucks. AOL sucks too. So I'll abuse that with my computer. *Bash, bash, bash.*
Bashing RI: *swing* Stupid...*smash* piece...*wham* of...*shatter* CRAP!
Words on screen: THIS MOMENT OF UTTER STUPIDITY BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE RUROUNI IDORU.
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Happy girlish voiceover: Have you seen the hottest movie of the summer? There's only one week left, catch it while you still can! "FINDING RYOGA!"
*Ryoga appears on screen, and a really short movie clip* Ryoga: Where the heck am I?!
Voiceover girl: Join Ranma and Akane in their hunt for Ryoga!
Akane: *rushes into room, where Ranma sits boredly, playing paddleball* Ranma! I can't find P-chan! Where is he?!
Ranma: *paddle paddle paddle* Don't know, don't care.
Voiceover girl: Don't miss it! "Finding Ryoga," now playing!
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*At ORO?! Productions Headquarters, Sano, Hiko, and Kenshin are passed out on the floor, Junko is eating an ice cream soda, and RI is sitting in the same arm chair as last time, in the same fashion.*
RI: Well, that's our show for this evening, tune in again...eventually. Enjoy whatever comes on after this next. Ranchi, Yahiko, you're gonna hafta help me with these three...
*credits, fade out.*
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A/N Okay, So I'm getting a little better with the ideas. I need to watch SNL more for better ideas...Oh, and watching the news would be nice too. Insert nervous laughter here. Remember that friend who's coming home? The girl Ranchi mentioned during the Whatever Update, Mitsuru, is her RK character. They've been friends for, you can see, eleven years. Note I have not been friends with anyone that long except my cousin, being that that's only about 2 1/2 years away from my entire life. Ai the Tabby and the Don't do drugs commercial make more sense if you've read "An Encounter of the Feline Kind" by the Koneko Idoru. The commercial for "Hansu: Just...Talk" is obviously for yet another KI fic. She put a commercial for Late Thursday Afternoon Live in that fic, so, I returned the favor. It's hilarious, check it out. As for Notaro, you've never seen Episode 65 of RK, have you? It's good, go read some spoilers for it. There're some good ones at Hitokiris Anonymous...but I dunno the address for that. Go look it up. Well, I guess that's it, ja ne and beh-da!
A/N: Well, I'm back for more! Surprised? I know I am. Well, anyhow, enough of my blabber, here goes!
Disclaimer: No, I don't own anything that we know is copyrighted. But ORO?! Productions belongs to me and all of the other Idorus. We'll share, if you wanna join...please...before school starts, and I have enough time to induct new Idorus...
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Kenshin: Oro, I thought you said you didn't want the concubine guards, that I did.
RI: No, Kenshin-cha, that was last episode. This is this episode.
Kenshin: Alright, Miss Demigoddess, but are you sure sensei is right for the part?
RI: Yeah, I had him and Sano get good and sloshed. Anybody could do something like that with such a blood alcohol level.
Kenshin: Sensei I can understand, but Sano...?
RI: In case he was a social drinker. Sano sure as flip is.
Kenshin: What if he hadn't been?
RI: I'd pretend I was worried about Sano's liver or something and drag him back into my head.
Kenshin: *blink blink* Amazing, that it is...
RI: And the beauty is, they'd both be so drunk, they'd forget I gave them the booze in the first place. I got into three advanced classes for a reason...well, two, really, but close enough.
Kenshin: ...ORO?!
RI: What, what happened?
Kenshin: The camera's on! We're live, that we are! The audience has seen the whole conversation, that they have! They know!
RI: Oh...crap...um...*dances strangely as if trying to distract them*
Kenshin: I don't think that will work, that I don't...
RI: I know, I'm just stalling for time. *twirls*
Studio Audience: *Patronizing glare*
RI: Okay, okay, I know. I'm a terrible person, getting my employees drunk for the sake of ratings, but in my defense, I have one thing to say...
*camera zooms in on face* LIVE FROM ORO?! PRODUCTIONS HEADQUARTERS, IT'S FRIDAY AFTERNOON!
Kenshin: Oro, this is not the opening we talked about, that it isn't...
*Cheesy music plays, and an opening squence, composed of me loose with a video camera, begins. Things like a messy bedroom, me accidentally hitting my nephew in the head with his own knee, and lots of rugs and celings can be seen. There's a particularly funny shot of myself and the Koneko Idoru throwing pool water at each other from bowls.*
RI: *voiceover* It's "When the Flip Ever!" Starring a bunch of people who are too numerous to name right now, because I'm flippin' lazy!
*The opening cuts to Sano running away screaming from the video camera*
Sano: SEWERS! DON'T TAKE MY SOUL! OKAY, FINE, TAKE MY SOUL, BUT PLEASE, PLEASE DON'T TAKE MY PRETTY! I'M TOO SEXY FOR THIS!
RI: *behind camera* Sano, Sano, no it's off! I think...is that the off light? *goes in front of camera* Ah crap. MI-CHAN! HOW THE FLIP DO YOU TURN THIS OFF?! MIIIII-CHAAAAN! *the shot gets very blurry and shaky, as I am running with the camera.*
*Cheesy music resumes*
RI: *Voiceover* With musical guest Junko Hillsburg Sullivan Saverem the First! Jeeze, I made that up, and I can't even remember it... And, of course, your beautiful host, me, the Rurouni Idoru! And now, ladies and non- ladies, the very attractive Rurouni Idoru! *RI Walks out onto stage, audience cheers*
RI: Thank you! Thank you, thank you, and eff you! In the words of Denis Leary, of course. He was one of the two reasons Ranchiko's shirt said NyQuil last episode. The other was Lewis Black. Now, this is a very special episode, because it's a very special day! That's right, the Rurouni Idoru's best friend is returning from Colombia! She called me a little while ago from Miami! WHOO! *applause* She should be here at about eight, so I'll be gone then. Probably finish this episode later tonight or earlier tommorrow. But, rest assured, we got all sorts 'a irrelevant crap for you now! Such as this sketch!
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Kenshin: *voiceover* And now, it's time for Church Chat, with the Church Lady, that it is.
*Nicholas D. Wolfwood sits unhappily at a desk, wearing a gray wig, glasses, and makeup. There's a cigarette in his mouth, and he has his arms crossed over his purple-bloused chest. The cross punisher is behind his chair.*
Wolfwood: I told you already, I'm not doing this.
RI: *voiceover* Eff yes you are, priest boy! Now get the cigarette out of your mouth and talk about how you're the only one who doesn't constantly sin!
Wolfwood: But that's not true!
RI: *voiceover* Why it's called acting, Wolfwood. Now be a stuffy ol' lady for me, or I'm cutting your pay.
Wolfwood: You're not paying me!
RI: Oh. Yeah. Well, c'mon, you're doing it. Now, Wolf-boy, now!
Wolfwood: I'm not doing this.
RI: *falsely innocent* Then why are you dressed up like that?
Wolfwood: *exact same tone as RI* Because you tied me down.
RI: You know, if you Trigun guys had brains, you'd be REALLY flippin' dangerous! I mean, destroy July, kill some kids, take over the planet, sure. But if you really gained some I.Q., you would cause the need for another Project SEEDS ship to take off.
Wolfwood: What do you mean?
RI: I ain't tellin' you! You'll shoot up my entire set!
Wolfwood: *turns around* Hey, I forgot you let me keep that.
RI: Only with persuasion from Kenshin.
Wolfwood: ...I found it, y'know.
RI: I know. And now you're gonna make big boomy explosion things and break stuff and escape.
Wolfwood: You don't mind?
RI: Actually, I was hoping that'd be how you'd end the Church Chat sketch.
Wolfwood: Alright. *whips out the cross punisher, does his cool "Priest- with-a-giagantic-cross-shaped-gun" thing, shoots up the entire Church Chat set.*
RI: Nicholas D. Wolfwood, ladies and non-ladies. *applause*
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Sano: *offscreen* You're a genius!
*Yahiko appears on screen.* Yahiko: Were you or someone you know mercilessly slaughtered by the Hitokiri Battousai during the Bakumatsu? *looks to the side* Was that mature enough?
*Saito appears on screen* Saito: This is stupid. I'm not going to be in your stupid commercial.
Offscreen voice: We'll give you cigarettes!
Another offscreen voice: Hey! Those're mine!
Saito: *clears throat, looks at camera* Were you in a fight with the Battousai, where you received scars that will not heal? Was your physical appearance damaged permanently because of it? Have you, over the years, become horribly deformed and...*raises eyebrow* Is there a reason I was given such a line?
*laughing is heard offscreen*
RI: *offscreen* Sano's a comic genius, it was too good! I'm sorry! I couldn't pass it up!
Sano: *laughing hysterically offscreen*
Saito: Aku Soku Zan, tori-atama...
Sano: Ooh, that supposed to scare me?
Saito: Well, since your back says "Aku," yes it is. I'm supposed to kill you immediately.
Sano: Which you haven't done.
Saito: I'm waiting for the perfect time to strike.
RI: *offsceen* Oh, flip this, Yahiko, the line!
Yahiko: *pushes past Saito* We'll give you comp...comp...how d'you say that?
RI: *offscreen* Compensation.
Yahiko: ...Compensation for Battousai injuries. All winnigs come from the Battousai's own pocket.
Sano: *loudly* Say the name!
Yahiko: Whaddya mean?
Sano: Say "Chibusa and Sanos!"
RI: *offscreen* Moron, you just did.
Sano: Oh, yeah...
RI: *Sighs, walks in front of camera* Call 1-800-HLYCRAP. Beh-da.
Monotonous female-sounding voice: *very fast* BattousaicompensationmoneydoesnotinfactcomefromtheBattousaihimself.Ithasbeen moochedoffoftheKaowoman.ItwillprobablycostyoumorethanyoumakebecausetheKenshi n- gumiisbrokeandneedsmoney.Notallcasesapproved,especiallynotifyouarelookingfor revengeortitles.
^&*($^$&*&*^#^$^@$^&*^()%$@#$%&*&()*(%$!@%&*)*(^#$!#$%$**(&*(%@#@#^!^&*!%#$&
*Sano is shown, sitting unhappily on a rock, head in hands. Chickens are running around him, squaking. The backdrop is a cheesy looking bright blue sky and big green field with symmetrical, opaque clouds, and a smiling sun, who is wearing sunglasses, and apparently singing.*
Sano: ............................................................*blink, blink*...........................So...why am I sitting here with chickens and a jazz-playing sun? I seem to have forgotten.
RI: *offscreen* It's a commercial.
Sano: What could it possibly be a commercial for? I'm sitting on a rock, with chickens, and this thing back here that looks like Yahiko drew it-
Yahiko: *offscreen* Hey!
Sano: -So what is this advertising?
RI: Um...
Sano: What?!
RI: We haven't decided what it's for yet.
Sano: *through clenched teeth* So then why are we filming it?
RI: I can't...Yahiko, tell him.
Yahiko: It just seemed really funny.
Sano: I'm gonna kick your...
Yahiko: Calm down! The Demigoddess, she wanted me to, and I really do owe her for giving Ranchiko life and...*raves about Ranchiko*
Sano: *raises eyebrow* Can we end this stupid thing?
RI: Sure.
Sano: You'll never air this, right?
RI: 'Course not.
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*A shot of Megumi dancing on tables, men looking up her kimono, and eventually falling off a table into the arms of an old man plays.*
*Kenshin appears on screen* Kenshin: Say no to drugs, kids. It's easy. Just say no.
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RI: *in costume, amongst what looks like a party of some sort* *to Vash the Stampede* Wow, Michael, the party seems to be going great!
Vash: *swallows the 3 donuts in his mouth* Yeah! Especially with all these donuts! *eats another donut*
RI: *clears throat loudly*
Vash: Oh, yeah, right. But it might not stay so great, Rebecca.
RI: What do you mean, Michael?
Vash: For one, we're running out of donuts. But more importantly to the storyline, I had to invite someone from work.
RI: Who?
Vash: *dramatic pause* Hiko. *RI looks terrified, as the words MASSIVE HEADWOUND HIKO appear on screen. Doinky music plays.*
Yahiko: *voiceover* It's Massive Headwound Hiko! Today's episode: The Cocktail Party!
RI: Hiko?! Why him?!
Vash: He heard me talking about it, I had to invite him!
RI: We're in deep crap. *Vash nods.*
*A thoroughly wasted Hiko, wearing a cap shaped like a brain covered in cherry cake-gel, walks in*
Hiko: So I said, "Kuzu Ryu-*Thud. Hiko falls to the floor face-first.* *Notaro, Kuroneko-sama, Ai the Tabby, and several other dogs and cats walk over and begin licking the cake gel off. Notaro tries to steal the cap off of Hiko's head. Notaro thoroughly succeeds, and wanders off to bury it, the other animals following him, for hopes of another lick of it.*
Kenshin: *runs up from offstage* MOMMY!
RI: Wait, Kenshin, you're not in this ske-*turns around slowly* Sanosuke?
Sano: *also totally smashed* Yeeeeees?
RI: Did you give Kenshin sake?
Sano: *slurring* Well, he jus' seemed so sad, and I though' some sake migh' make him feeeeel better. *Hiccups, and he, too, falls over landing square on his bottom.*
RI: *looks very unamused, whips out a bat from hammerspace, and attempts to hit a home run with Sano's head. However, Sano's head is attached firmly to his body, simply causing him a concusssion.* This is gonna su-uh-uuuuuck...
Kenshin: *hugs Hiko* Mommy! I love you, Mommy...
Hiko: *sniffle, sits up, hugs Kenshin* C'mere, son...
RI: Oh, Goddess...
Hiko: I'm so happy...I finally have a family of my own...
Kenshin: I love you so much, Mommy...
RI: Oh dear sweet Lordess...Cut to commercial! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS SACRED, HOLY AND/OR SALTY, CUT TO COMMERCIAL!
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Deep Female Voiceover: It is the attitude? *Black and white shot of Ranchiko wearing jeans and a tank top, looking disdainful and giving the camera the finger* No. No it isn't. Is it the angst? *Black and white shot of Yahiko practicing with his bokken, looking disdainful, and wearing jeans and a t-shirt.* No. That has nothing to do with it. Is it the money? *B&W shot of Ranchi and Yahiko throwing money around, as if extremely happy to have so much, but, you guessed it, they look disdainful. Also, both still wearing the trendy clothes.* Maybe a little. Is it the Pixy Stix? *B&W shot of Ranchi and Yahiko, in the same clothes as before, disdainfully eating Pixy Stix.* Not one little bit. Is it the pants? *B&W shot of Ranchi and Yahiko posing disdainfully* Yes. Yes it is. Meiji Jeans. *Ranchi puts her arm around Yahiko protectively, Yahiko instantly spurts a nosebleed, losing the disdainful look, and Ranchi turns around, looking extremely worried*
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Kenshin: *voiceover* Oro, I don't want to relive this...*shot of Kenshin being hit by a hammer wielded by Kaoru*
RI: *voiceover* WELL TOO BAD! You're gonna! If I had to film it, You hafta remember it! *Shot of RI spinning camera, picking up Vash the Stampede, and throwing him at a bunch of rabid fangirls, then taking her place at the camera again, and giving a thumbs-up.*
Kenshin: *voiceover* Now do you really have to put that in? *Shot of the Koneko Idoru giving Kenshin a paperclip, fifty cents, and a how to be a talk show host guide while Kenshin holds a telephone to his ear.*
RI: *voiceover* Of course we do! *Shot of Millions Knives, or...whatever, trying to smile sexy, and ending up looking like a crack-addicted pychopath. Which he is.*
Kenshin: *voiceover* Oro, jut tell them about the show... *Shot of Kenshin talking desperately to KI*
RI: *voiceover* My pleasure! Hansu: Just...talk. On the Idoru Network at...um...crap, you think we should find out what time they're on before we promote them? *Shot of Vash flopping around like a noodle on the floor, and Kenshin about to spring into action*
Kenshin: Yes, I think so, that I do. *shot of Kenshin running accross the stage, screaming. Kaoru chases him. On the KI's command, several geeky guys shoot tranqulizers at her*
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RI: And now, ladies and non-ladies, Junko Hillsburg Sullivan Saverem the first.
*A girl done in Trigun style, but with a rounder face than most Trigun charas, stands, smiling shyly, on the stage. Her hair is dirty/honey blonde, her eyes light blue, and she's wearing a simple pink sleeveless shirt and knee-length dark-pink skirt. On her feet are pink sandals. She wears a bunch of rings and bracelets on her left arm, and two shell necklaces. She picks up the microphone as the band behind her begins playing.*
Junko: *smile widens*You ask me why I change the color of my hair, yeah
You ask me why I need thirty two pairs of shoes to wear
You seem to ask me why I got a lot of things, it's just a chick thing
You ought to let it go and try to understand but you don't have a clue.
That's what girls do
They keep you guessing the whole day through
Play your emotions push all your buttons it's true
That's what girls do
You ask me why I gotta play so hard to get, yeah
You ask me do I play it cool just to make you sweat, yeah
You want some kind of explanation I can give
It's just a chick thing that you're messin' with
To me it's black and and white
But to you it's not getting through to you.
That's what girls do
They keep you guessing the whole day through
Play your emotions push all your buttons it's true
That's what girls do
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah, why should I change?
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah, I'm havin' too much fun.
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah, to you it's confusing
To me it's nothing new..
That's what girls do
That's what girls do
They keep you guessing the whole day through
Play your emotions push all your buttons it's true
That's what girls.
That's what girls do
They keep you guessing the whole day through
Play your emotions push all your buttons it's true
That's what girls do
That's what girls do
They keep you guessing the whole day through
Play all your emotions push all your buttons it's true
That's what girls do
That's what girls do
That's what girls go
Girls
You ask me why I change the color of my hair yeah...*she puts the microphone back in its stand, bows, and walks off the stage, tripping once in the journey.**Applause, but not for the trip, for the singing.*
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*Wolfwood appears on screen, looking serious* Wolfwood: It's five p.m. Do you know where your children are?
Ranchi: *dragging right leg across camera* I sure as he** do! *She angrily pulls her right leg forward with a great heave. The camera pans down to reveal Yahiko latched to it. He blows a raspberry at Sano, who's chasing him, wanting to play "Yahiko Volleyball." Kenshin is waving his arms telling all of them to calm down. Kaoru is running after Kenshin, screaming her head off about one thing or another that they've all done wrong, which they probably have, but she deserved it.* I FEEL LIKE A MOTHER OF FOUR! *drag, drag, drag.*
Wolfwood: *stares, as they leave the scene*.........Riiiiight...
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*RI is shown against the backdrop of her very messy bedroom.*
RI: Hey! This is the Rurouni Idoru to once again remind you that, if you are an immature, whacked-out, obsessed little otaku girl like me or the Koneko Idoru, you're wanted at ORO?! Productions! Send me an e-mail about it, but make sure to type the word "Idoru" in the subject line somewhere, or I may well accidentally delete it! Tell me what kind of Idoru you wanna be, and I'll see what can be done, okies? Ja ne and beh-da! *flashes peace sign, fade out*
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*Sano appears on screen* Sano: Is your bladder full? Of urine? Do you have to take a leak? A whiz? A pee-pee? Do you hafta go pee-ee-ee? You gotta go to the bathroom? Well, what're you sittin' there for, GO! Make a beeline for the toilet, and don't come back until your bladder is empty!*turns around, walks off*
Words on screen: THIS MESSAGE BROUGHT TO YOU BY SANOSUKE SAGARA. *the word "useless" has been scribbled over the first line, with an arrow pointing between "THIS" and "MESSAGE."*
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*Shot of a building. The camera angle twirls and spins around the building. Blah.* Ranchi: *voiceover* And now, from the news capital of ORO?! Productions, it's Whenever Update with Yahiko...oh that's it, huh? Oh, yeah. Yahiko Myojin and...NANYO?! RANCHIKO MASANUMI?! I CAN'T DO THE NEWS!*cut to inside the building*
Ranchi: I can't beleive I'm doing the news...can someone at least make Banana-chan pay attention to his cue cards, here? He's drooling...Guys, c'mon, this ain't funny!
Yahiko: *stare* *drool*
Ranchi: Banana-chan...Banana-chan...*looks at cue card*....Yahiko?
Yahiko: *immediately snaps out of it* You...you remembered...
Ranchi: Ee-yup, now we gotta do the news.
Yahiko: Oh. That sucks.
Ranchi: I agree. But I guess it's either us or drunken-fest over there...*gestures toward the still drunk Hiko, Sano, and Kenshin.*
Yahiko: They're still like that?
Ranchi: Yeah, 'member when you accidentally drank that sake, you were a maniac for all of 5 hours! Then of course, you passed out, but still.
Yahiko: *blushes* Ranchi-chan, that's...people are watching this...
Ranchi: Oh, sorry, Banana-chan. Want me to tell some of my embarassing drunk stories?
Yahiko: No, that's alright! You don't deserve to be embarassed! Not in front of the whole...well, all these people here! *gestures at the audience*
Ranchi: Once, I got so drunk, I actually seemed to think Banana-chan was my age, and I kissed him full on the mouth...
Yahiko: *Exploding nosebleed sets him off balance, and toppling backward*
Ranchi: Oh, sh**! Banana? Banana? Naner-chan? Oh, not again, when the he**'s he gonna get over it?! Ba-naaa-naaaaaaaa! This is so not fair...I don't deserve this, I went to school! I lived with Misturu for eleven years! She burned down our house! More than once! *Begins banging head against the news desk*
RI: *voiceover, overriding the sound of Ranchi's head-banging* The Whenever Update will not feature any news tonight, as I, the Rurouni Idoru, have not watched the news in some time, and therefore, do not know what's going on in the world. Plus, tonight's anchors are not only hopeless, but come from the Meiji Era, and thusly have no hope of understanding any of it. I pity them both.
$&@%$*(@%$*@%$*@%$*$*@%$*@&*%^*%@#&%(@*%(@#*!%@#$^%&^$(%*)()(&*^&%^$
*Shot of Kaoru on a wooden raft in the middle of the ocean. The waves rock her back and forth, up and down. It starts on her solemn face, but slowly zooms out to reveal the entire ugly picture. After a few seconds of just Kaoru floating, she begins to turn green, bends over, and vomits over the side of the raft.*
Whispering female voiceover: Floating. The new fragrance from Kamatari Beauty Care.
^&#%^&%@&(*#()%*^@$*^#!!#@$#%$^%&^*&(*)(&*^%$#@$!%$^&$^#^%&#&$&@%#^&*$!%!
*A shot of RI smashing up a computer with a sledgehammer plays.*
RI: *voiceover* Does this have a point? Not really, no. Just watch me bashing in my computer. It sucks. AOL sucks too. So I'll abuse that with my computer. *Bash, bash, bash.*
Bashing RI: *swing* Stupid...*smash* piece...*wham* of...*shatter* CRAP!
Words on screen: THIS MOMENT OF UTTER STUPIDITY BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE RUROUNI IDORU.
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Happy girlish voiceover: Have you seen the hottest movie of the summer? There's only one week left, catch it while you still can! "FINDING RYOGA!"
*Ryoga appears on screen, and a really short movie clip* Ryoga: Where the heck am I?!
Voiceover girl: Join Ranma and Akane in their hunt for Ryoga!
Akane: *rushes into room, where Ranma sits boredly, playing paddleball* Ranma! I can't find P-chan! Where is he?!
Ranma: *paddle paddle paddle* Don't know, don't care.
Voiceover girl: Don't miss it! "Finding Ryoga," now playing!
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*At ORO?! Productions Headquarters, Sano, Hiko, and Kenshin are passed out on the floor, Junko is eating an ice cream soda, and RI is sitting in the same arm chair as last time, in the same fashion.*
RI: Well, that's our show for this evening, tune in again...eventually. Enjoy whatever comes on after this next. Ranchi, Yahiko, you're gonna hafta help me with these three...
*credits, fade out.*
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A/N Okay, So I'm getting a little better with the ideas. I need to watch SNL more for better ideas...Oh, and watching the news would be nice too. Insert nervous laughter here. Remember that friend who's coming home? The girl Ranchi mentioned during the Whatever Update, Mitsuru, is her RK character. They've been friends for, you can see, eleven years. Note I have not been friends with anyone that long except my cousin, being that that's only about 2 1/2 years away from my entire life. Ai the Tabby and the Don't do drugs commercial make more sense if you've read "An Encounter of the Feline Kind" by the Koneko Idoru. The commercial for "Hansu: Just...Talk" is obviously for yet another KI fic. She put a commercial for Late Thursday Afternoon Live in that fic, so, I returned the favor. It's hilarious, check it out. As for Notaro, you've never seen Episode 65 of RK, have you? It's good, go read some spoilers for it. There're some good ones at Hitokiris Anonymous...but I dunno the address for that. Go look it up. Well, I guess that's it, ja ne and beh-da!