He had been gone from Ord Mantell for a few days. Already, he missed his
friends. It hadn't taken more than two hours after he'd jumped planet to realize he
did not have any idea what to do. 'I can't go to any of the places my runs would
take me,' Ani thought, planning. 'Ogin or some of the guys would definitely sell
out that info after I left like that. What am I going to do?'
Finally, he decided to meditate on the problem. Getting into the trance was
difficult; his mind kept whirling with the events of the past few days. Reaching a
somewhat calm state, the impressions he got were unclear and hazy. Voices
sounded, unintelligible. Fragments of past faces appeared out of a swirling mist.
Mist. Cold, foreboding, suffocating mist. Why did it fill him with terror? The Force,
no matter how hard he tried, was unresponsive. This didn't make sense. He had
just used the Force, and in situations much more dire; why did it come so
reluctantly now? He felt like a naive nine-year-old again. He had access to the
Force, but he couldn't control it.
Coming out of the trance, Ani moved to the cockpit and settled back in to
the pilot's seat. Stars streamed about him in the dance of light that was
hyperspace. As he stared out into space, His mind drifted away from the problems
besetting him, and onto his ship. He hadn't even named her. Hmm. She had
flown beautifully. The smooth, sleek lines of her were almost worthy of one of
those sea creatures of Naboo. What had Padmé called them? Salions? Sleians?
Sleals! That was it! Sleals. Ani smiled as an image of them came to his
mind.
Theed had been built on a great river, on top of the waterfalls. Sometimes,
little creatures would be pulled away from the calmer pools and brooks upstream
by the powerful current. Then, if they were lucky, they would be tossed to the
edge of the wake and caught by the booms kind citizens would put out to shunt
them into a calmer bay of the city.
One day, he and Padmé had been close to a fall, walking along one of the
balconies overlooking one such lagoon. The spray from the falls was tossed up by
the wind into a spectacular band of color that they were watching. A faint strip of
silvery-white caught Padmé's eye as it tumbled about in the waves. Reacting,
Anakin had pulled the little animal in a tight Force grip; just enough to bring it into
the waters of the bay. The sleal came to rest on the safety step in the water below
the balustrade. Both Padmé and Anakin watched as it caught its breath. Anakin,
having grown up on a desert planet, had never seen anything quite so flowing and
sleek.
"What is it Padme?" Anakin had said as he looked at the little creature.
Her relieved voice was warm as she said, "Those are sleals Anakin. They're
very soft. We used to have one for a pet when I was little."
"Really," Anakin had asked "What did you call it?"
"Knight." The Padmé in Ani's memory laughed. "He was so defensive
whenever any adult came into the room. None of our visitors could set foot in our
house without him honking and making a tremendous racket. Yané said he was
the Queen's Knight." Padmé looked back at Anakin with a smile shining in her
eyes.
"Hey, that's my job." Anakin had cried, half-indignantly.
"Padmé's Knight." Ani tried the name on for size. Alright. Why not. "Ship,
I christen you, Padme's Knight." Ani reached down to the transponder and
entered the ships' name. "May you fly well and may the Force always be with you
and your passengers."
Smiling over happy memories, Ani had buried his problems and drifted into
sleep. Into a world of horrible dreams.
***
"Aaahhh!" Ani sat straight up in his bunk. The first few moments were
spent reiterating the nightmare he had just been living. Blood, an orange richer
than a sun-shot sky, was dripping from the blackened gold flesh in front of him.
The Blood Carver Ke Daiv was again dying in front of him. His first kill. His
first slaughter. Pure emotions of hate and fear had flooded him once more as the
desire to protect and to destroy 'became one'1 . This sentient had hurt Obi-wan,
insulted Anakin's own honor and tried again to kill him and his friends. The
undiluted strength of the Force had flowed, no, ripped through him in a tide of will
Anakin could not control. And truthfully hadn't wanted to.
The memory was crystal, as if it had just happened. Ani recalled the words
he had cried out: "Stop it please, I can't hold it back any longer!"2 But he also
knew the rage of true meaning that had screamed just as loudly inside of him.
Power. Triumph. Freedom. Relief.
Only seconds later, once he had seen what he had done, once he saw the
burnt, torn, skin of this being in agony solely because of him, did Anakin truly
regret his action.
His first slaughter. Merely because he'd lost control.
Grief wizened his young face as the message the Force had given him sunk
in. "I've done it again." Ani said aloud. "When I saved Luke, I lost control. Far
worse than losing my anonymity or destroying Luke and Leia's lives, I lost control.
I gave in to the dark side again."
Despairing, his mind filled with misery. "How can I possibly ever,-" And
then, it hit him. "I'll train again. I still remember all the exercises, katas and
mediations. Maybe if I continue my training I can control it better. Maybe now that
I know what I am capable of," Ani's mind flicked to the more recent memories of
his brief stint as Palpatine's apprentice Vader. "maybe I might be more successful
controlling it."
"Can I do this alone? Obi, Master, friend. I couldn't do this even with you
helping me and guiding me. How can I hope to go through this alone?"
Exhausted, Ani fell into a fitfull sleep.
***
The voices were quiet at first. Somehow, in his dream they grew clearer
until they were just barely audible.
"Don't give up Ani. You are strong enough to go on. Trust your instincts."
That couldn't be..... Qui-Gon?
"Train you must, or lost all is." Master Yoda!
"I trained you Ani, I know what you are capable of." Obi-wan! "And because
of Anakin's decisions, now so do you. Despite this, or perhaps because of this, the
Jedi will need you to bring balance again."
"Master! I'm so, so, sor-."
His pleas were cut off by the intensity of the vision that followed. Scarred,
malformed beings were ripping through their Twi'lekki opponents, with some
spitting, twisting weapon. Imperial and Calamari ships watched in vain with their
allies as vessels, commanded by these creatures, shot fire into the stratosphere of
a temperate world, immolating all life. A Jedi fell under the slobbering jaws of
some hideous monster, unable to offer defense. Force adepts screamed as their
captors cut down members of their team. One of them surged with darkness as
her leader/brother died a violent death. The vision went on and on. Scene after
scene of phantom foe, void in the Force slaughtering Jedi and citizenry alike.
"Need you they will. Save you it can."
"Master Yoda, how can this horror save me?"
"You have something to work for." The warm voice faded as the only father
he ever knew disappeared into the Force.
Obi-wan spoke up. "After you train up to your knighthood, we need you to
go and rescue the library at the Jedi sanctuary. You will know when best to show
Luke. Until then, be wary and mindful of yourself in the Force. If you turn now, all
is lost and the Jedi will truly die."
The voices of Yoda Obi-wan faded into the Force.
When Ani woke up he felt elated. He could finally make up for Vader's
actions! Repair all the damage he had done. He would be a Jedi again. 'The only
problem now,' Ani thought, 'is now the time to see Luke?'
1. Taken directly from STAR WARS Rogue Planet by Greg Bear. Page 281 paperback edition.
2. Taken directly from STAR WARS Rogue Planet by Greg Bear. Page 281 paperback edition.
The title is so perfect for this. Please Timothy Zahn, forgive me. I'm not making any money.
The footnotes are important. See Rogue Planet for a full account of Anakins first kill.
friends. It hadn't taken more than two hours after he'd jumped planet to realize he
did not have any idea what to do. 'I can't go to any of the places my runs would
take me,' Ani thought, planning. 'Ogin or some of the guys would definitely sell
out that info after I left like that. What am I going to do?'
Finally, he decided to meditate on the problem. Getting into the trance was
difficult; his mind kept whirling with the events of the past few days. Reaching a
somewhat calm state, the impressions he got were unclear and hazy. Voices
sounded, unintelligible. Fragments of past faces appeared out of a swirling mist.
Mist. Cold, foreboding, suffocating mist. Why did it fill him with terror? The Force,
no matter how hard he tried, was unresponsive. This didn't make sense. He had
just used the Force, and in situations much more dire; why did it come so
reluctantly now? He felt like a naive nine-year-old again. He had access to the
Force, but he couldn't control it.
Coming out of the trance, Ani moved to the cockpit and settled back in to
the pilot's seat. Stars streamed about him in the dance of light that was
hyperspace. As he stared out into space, His mind drifted away from the problems
besetting him, and onto his ship. He hadn't even named her. Hmm. She had
flown beautifully. The smooth, sleek lines of her were almost worthy of one of
those sea creatures of Naboo. What had Padmé called them? Salions? Sleians?
Sleals! That was it! Sleals. Ani smiled as an image of them came to his
mind.
Theed had been built on a great river, on top of the waterfalls. Sometimes,
little creatures would be pulled away from the calmer pools and brooks upstream
by the powerful current. Then, if they were lucky, they would be tossed to the
edge of the wake and caught by the booms kind citizens would put out to shunt
them into a calmer bay of the city.
One day, he and Padmé had been close to a fall, walking along one of the
balconies overlooking one such lagoon. The spray from the falls was tossed up by
the wind into a spectacular band of color that they were watching. A faint strip of
silvery-white caught Padmé's eye as it tumbled about in the waves. Reacting,
Anakin had pulled the little animal in a tight Force grip; just enough to bring it into
the waters of the bay. The sleal came to rest on the safety step in the water below
the balustrade. Both Padmé and Anakin watched as it caught its breath. Anakin,
having grown up on a desert planet, had never seen anything quite so flowing and
sleek.
"What is it Padme?" Anakin had said as he looked at the little creature.
Her relieved voice was warm as she said, "Those are sleals Anakin. They're
very soft. We used to have one for a pet when I was little."
"Really," Anakin had asked "What did you call it?"
"Knight." The Padmé in Ani's memory laughed. "He was so defensive
whenever any adult came into the room. None of our visitors could set foot in our
house without him honking and making a tremendous racket. Yané said he was
the Queen's Knight." Padmé looked back at Anakin with a smile shining in her
eyes.
"Hey, that's my job." Anakin had cried, half-indignantly.
"Padmé's Knight." Ani tried the name on for size. Alright. Why not. "Ship,
I christen you, Padme's Knight." Ani reached down to the transponder and
entered the ships' name. "May you fly well and may the Force always be with you
and your passengers."
Smiling over happy memories, Ani had buried his problems and drifted into
sleep. Into a world of horrible dreams.
***
"Aaahhh!" Ani sat straight up in his bunk. The first few moments were
spent reiterating the nightmare he had just been living. Blood, an orange richer
than a sun-shot sky, was dripping from the blackened gold flesh in front of him.
The Blood Carver Ke Daiv was again dying in front of him. His first kill. His
first slaughter. Pure emotions of hate and fear had flooded him once more as the
desire to protect and to destroy 'became one'1 . This sentient had hurt Obi-wan,
insulted Anakin's own honor and tried again to kill him and his friends. The
undiluted strength of the Force had flowed, no, ripped through him in a tide of will
Anakin could not control. And truthfully hadn't wanted to.
The memory was crystal, as if it had just happened. Ani recalled the words
he had cried out: "Stop it please, I can't hold it back any longer!"2 But he also
knew the rage of true meaning that had screamed just as loudly inside of him.
Power. Triumph. Freedom. Relief.
Only seconds later, once he had seen what he had done, once he saw the
burnt, torn, skin of this being in agony solely because of him, did Anakin truly
regret his action.
His first slaughter. Merely because he'd lost control.
Grief wizened his young face as the message the Force had given him sunk
in. "I've done it again." Ani said aloud. "When I saved Luke, I lost control. Far
worse than losing my anonymity or destroying Luke and Leia's lives, I lost control.
I gave in to the dark side again."
Despairing, his mind filled with misery. "How can I possibly ever,-" And
then, it hit him. "I'll train again. I still remember all the exercises, katas and
mediations. Maybe if I continue my training I can control it better. Maybe now that
I know what I am capable of," Ani's mind flicked to the more recent memories of
his brief stint as Palpatine's apprentice Vader. "maybe I might be more successful
controlling it."
"Can I do this alone? Obi, Master, friend. I couldn't do this even with you
helping me and guiding me. How can I hope to go through this alone?"
Exhausted, Ani fell into a fitfull sleep.
***
The voices were quiet at first. Somehow, in his dream they grew clearer
until they were just barely audible.
"Don't give up Ani. You are strong enough to go on. Trust your instincts."
That couldn't be..... Qui-Gon?
"Train you must, or lost all is." Master Yoda!
"I trained you Ani, I know what you are capable of." Obi-wan! "And because
of Anakin's decisions, now so do you. Despite this, or perhaps because of this, the
Jedi will need you to bring balance again."
"Master! I'm so, so, sor-."
His pleas were cut off by the intensity of the vision that followed. Scarred,
malformed beings were ripping through their Twi'lekki opponents, with some
spitting, twisting weapon. Imperial and Calamari ships watched in vain with their
allies as vessels, commanded by these creatures, shot fire into the stratosphere of
a temperate world, immolating all life. A Jedi fell under the slobbering jaws of
some hideous monster, unable to offer defense. Force adepts screamed as their
captors cut down members of their team. One of them surged with darkness as
her leader/brother died a violent death. The vision went on and on. Scene after
scene of phantom foe, void in the Force slaughtering Jedi and citizenry alike.
"Need you they will. Save you it can."
"Master Yoda, how can this horror save me?"
"You have something to work for." The warm voice faded as the only father
he ever knew disappeared into the Force.
Obi-wan spoke up. "After you train up to your knighthood, we need you to
go and rescue the library at the Jedi sanctuary. You will know when best to show
Luke. Until then, be wary and mindful of yourself in the Force. If you turn now, all
is lost and the Jedi will truly die."
The voices of Yoda Obi-wan faded into the Force.
When Ani woke up he felt elated. He could finally make up for Vader's
actions! Repair all the damage he had done. He would be a Jedi again. 'The only
problem now,' Ani thought, 'is now the time to see Luke?'
1. Taken directly from STAR WARS Rogue Planet by Greg Bear. Page 281 paperback edition.
2. Taken directly from STAR WARS Rogue Planet by Greg Bear. Page 281 paperback edition.
The title is so perfect for this. Please Timothy Zahn, forgive me. I'm not making any money.
The footnotes are important. See Rogue Planet for a full account of Anakins first kill.