"…So we have less than two months to go until we launch," Lily continued, walking around the large oak conference table were her staff sat, paying rapt attention to her. Well, almost everyone on her staff. "Let's get back to work people. Thank you very much." The staff began to disperse back to their collective offices or cubicles, except for one person.
Donna was gazing out the office window at the New York skyline, completely oblivious to the fact that the meeting was over, perhaps even to the fact that there had been a meeting to begin with. Lily walked over to her and waved a hand in front of her face. "Hello, Earth to Donnatella? Requesting landing coordinates for immediate re-entry?"
"Oh jeez!" Donna cried, as she was startled out of wherever she'd been daydreaming about in her mind. She turned to Lily and looked around at the now empty conference room. "Oh God, I am so sorry, Lily," she apologized profusely. "I didn't mean to space out like out. I'm sorry, it won't happen again,"
"It better damn well not," Lily replied sternly, frowning intently at Donna. Just when Donna thought that Lily was really angry with her, Lily gave her a wink and a smile. "My goodness, something really is bothering you. You haven't fallen for that one since the sixth grade." She glanced at her watch. "Let's go grab some lunch before your train leaves."
"Sounds good." The two women gathered their respective belongings and started to head out of the office. On the way out, they passed bustling staffers running around to try to get things done, phones constantly ringing, and layout designs and articles strewn over every available desk space. It was madness and chaos and could drive any sane person crazy.
"But that's why we love it," Lily smiled when Donna told her all this as they were walking out of the building and into the heart of the city street. They linked their arms together and started walking to the local deli that they frequented when they were both in the city. "So," Lily said after a few minutes, "what's troubling you this week?"
"What always is: Josh and me," Donna told her tiredly.
"I thought you said things were getting better with you guys?"
"Better than they were about three months ago when we were are on opposite sides of the country, yes; The way they were when we first got married, not so much." She shook her head. "I just don't know how to get through to him that I'm here to stay and that it won't be like it was before."
"That's your whole problem. He liked the way things were before you left," Lily explained. "I mean, of course he didn't like that you weren't happy but then he at least had his head buried in the sand. Now he knows what was wrong and he also knows that you aren't going to be there all the time to cater to his every need."
"He never said that's how he wants it to be, even before I left."
"Of course he doesn't say it; he probably doesn't even really think it but deep down that's what all men are like." They arrived at the deli and went inside. "From the start, men are shown, be it through their parents or the media or their friends, that they are in some way superior to women. They adopt this attitude, subconsciously or consciously, throughout the rest of their lives. And even the progressive, feminist ones still deep down inside of them harbor those feelings."
"That isn't Josh," Donna disagreed as they went to order. "He would never let our daughters think that about themselves."
"A daughter isn't the same as a wife," Lily countered as they moved forward in line. "Fathers want to give their kids every opportunity in the world, no matter what their gender. God forbid though that the wife want to have a life of her own outside the home."
"Where did you learn this crap?"
"Honey, I've lived this crap with my dad for as long as I can remember. Can I have a liverwurst and spinach on rye with a side of egg salad?" Lily asked the clerk, who gave her the same roll of the eyes she always received when placing that particular order.
"Chicken salad with a side of veggie pasta," Donna requested before turning back to her friend. "What are you talking about with your father? Most of his staff is women. Qualified, professional women I might add."
"But is he married to any of them? No."
"He's been married to two of them."
"Both of whom quit their jobs to spit out the demonic creatures that I'll have to split my inheritance with before he dumped them for the newest flavor of the month." They collected their food and went to sit down in a quiet booth in the corner.
Donna laughed lightly. "And you wonder why you have such trouble keeping a boyfriend," she said. She meant the comment to be a joke but when she looked up at Lily's face, she saw that her friend had taken it as anything but. "Lily, what is it?" Donna asked, concerned and troubled by the serious look Lily's face had taken. Then, she remembered what had happened in the office and she laughed. "Ha ha ha, very funny," she said picking up her fork and spearing a piece of chicken. "Too bad you already pulled the psyche out before we left or I might have been really worried something was wrong for a minute."
"I'm gay, Donna," Lily blurted out as Donna started to swallow. The piece of poultry got caught in her throat as she processed what she'd just been told. She started couching furiously and motioned for Lily to pour her some water. She quickly did and handed the glass to Donna, who immediately downed it. When she finally recovered, she looked at Lily with wide, questioning eyes. "Yeah," Lily nodded, a small smile on her lips. "Surprise!"
"To say the least," Donna managed to get out, leaning back and looking, really looking at Lily for the first time in a while. "When…when did you…you know…know?" she fumbled, still absorbing the fact that her best friend in the whole world had gone through such a seemingly drastic change without her even noticing.
She shrugged, picking at her egg salad. "Probably always, according to my shrink," she said. "But I started embracing my homosexuality about a year ago."
"A year? A whole year?" Donna asked disbelievingly. "Why didn't you ever say anything?"
"Because I needed to deal with it and accept it myself before I forced it on anyone else." She reached over to take Donna's hand, an action that she'd done countless times before but one that now made Donna ever so slightly uncomfortable. "Can you understand that?"
"Ye…yeah," she mumbled, a thousand thoughts racing through her mind. "Is…is there…anyone that you're…?"
"I've been in love with someone for a long time now," she confirmed.
"Who?"
Lily smiled and squeezed her hand. "You."
Donna froze, her eyes bulging out of their sockets and breathing suddenly becoming very difficult to do. "Beg…beg pardon," she whispered, more than a little freaked out.
Lily let out a peal of laughter and dropped her head onto the tabletop as she struggled to heave in a breath. When she sat up again, tears were pouring down her cheeks. "Oh my God, I really can't believe you fell for that one!" she squealed.
Donna snatched her hand out of Lily's grip. "You immature, devious, manipulative--" she began to rant. But before she could let herself get infuriated, she felt her lips quirk upward and a snort of laughter escape her lips. As quickly as the anger had begun, it vanished and was replaced with hysterical giggles. Soon, both women were nearly doubled over with laughter, oblivious to the stares they were receiving from the other patrons.
Finally, they both managed to calm down a little bit. Wiping at their eyes and taking in deep breaths, they were able to pull themselves together. "Oh that was marvelous," Lily said, still laughing a little. "I haven't laughed that hard since middle school when Ryan Olsen got excited in front of our entire human development class."
"Me neither," Donna said as she went to take a sip of water. Eventually they went back to their meal but as she was about to start eating again, she looked back up. "Lily seriously? Are you…?"
"Swinging from the other branch on the tree?" she asked. Sheepishly, she nodded before studying her sandwich.
"Wow," Donna sighed, putting a forkful of pasta in her mouth and chewing thoughtfully. "You could have told me, you know. It wouldn't have mattered a bit."
"Yeah, but I was serious before when I said I needed to deal with it myself before I told anyone." She smiled stupidly at her disgusting meal. "And I am seeing someone."
"Really?" Lily nodded. "Who? Do I know hi…her?" she asked, stumbling a little.
"No you don't know her. We'd just started seeing each other a few months ago, when you went on sabbatical. She's great though. Her name's Hiroko and she's a fashion designer from Tokyo and she's got her own collection with Versace coming out this fall. You'll love her when you meet her."
"Is it serious?"
"Not yet but it has potential."
"Wow," Donna repeated, thinking of nothing better to say. She could tell that Lily was very happy about this relationship and because of that, Donna was happy for her. But this sudden shift in her friend's sexuality was going to take some getting used to. "Do your folks know?"
"I already told Catherine about it last Christmas."
"How'd she take it?"
"Well she got royally shit faced afterwards," Lily said, sipping some water, "so that either means she's bemoaning the fact that she'll never have biological grandchildren or she's insanely happy for me. Or she could have been spreading the Yuletide cheer or she could have--"
"Just been getting drunk for the sake of getting drunk?" Donna asked jokingly.
"Or that, yes," Lily grinned at her. "As for Daddy, I'm waiting for the right moment."
"When's that going to be?"
"I was thinking his birthday or perhaps Father's Day, sometime around then," she glibly replied.
Donna smiled at her, really smiled at her, for the first time since they'd arrived. "You, Ms. Lillian Amelia Irving, are the strangest creature I've ever had the pleasure of making my acquaintance," she told her, repeating a phrase they'd used as girls.
"And you, Mrs. Donnatella Igraine Lyman, are exactly the same as me, no matter how much you try to deny it."
"I should be so lucky," she replied soberly, reaching over herself and taking Lily's hand. "We all should be." Lily put her other hand over Donna's and with her eyes, told her how utterly grateful she was that Donna had taken the news as well as she had. Their friendship had survived a lot over the years and only grew stronger in adversity. Like the song said, they were islands in the stream; different yes, but somehow always the same. It was what all friendships should be like.
After that discussion, the two ate the rest of their meal in tranquil silence. As they were cleaning up and getting ready to leave, something caught Donna's eye. Lily saw her face soften and a small smile form on her face. She turned to see what Donna was looking at and saw a group of women at the counter, crowded around something. Upon further inspection, Lily saw that it was a baby carrier they surrounded and they were all ogling the baby. She turned back to her friend and chuckled. "Got something you want to share?"
"What? Huh?" Donna said shaking herself out of whatever daydream she'd been in the middle of.
"What's that look for? You're eyeing that baby very suspiciously." She raised her eyebrows. "Should I be planning a baby shower anytime soon?"
"Lily, you already know way more about my sex life than I want you to," Donna told her, taking some bills out of her purse. "You know Josh and I haven't had sex in months. It's scientifically impossible for me to be pregnant."
"Yeah, but see I'm thinking that snooze button you hit on your biological clock is primed to go off any minute now. Am I wrong?" Donna gave her a look that basically read, 'What do you think?'. "Awww," she cooed sweetly. "That's great."
"What is so great about that?" Donna asked impatiently, getting out the booth.
Lily got up to follow her out of the deli. "You want to have a baby again, don't you?"
"What makes you think that?" she asked as the strode down towards the entrance to the subway that would take them to Grand Central Station so Donna could catch the shuttle back to Hartford.
"I've seen that look on your face right before you got pregnant with both Emma and Natalie," she explained as they boarded the subway car and found seats. "The face doth not lie, Donnatella."
"You don't understand, Lily."
"Understand what?"
She struggled to control both her emotions and her patience. Lily had inadvertently touched upon a subject that Donna did not want to deal with right now. "I'm trying to re-build my marriage, which I almost destroyed because of what I wanted and needed," she tried to explain. "Josh and I…it's still a challenge to be civil with one another sometimes. I'm trying to regain his trust and my daughters' trust. I'm starting a career and I have no clue what the hell I'm doing. I cannot have a baby in the middle of all this, no matter if I want to or not."
"But you do want to, don't you? That's the problem, isn't it?"
Donna looked down at her hands and whispered her answer so softly that Lily barely heard her over the roar of the train, "Yes." She couldn't explain it to herself or really to anyone for that matter but something inside her wanted a child. It wasn't the part of her that had wanted a baby for the selfish reasons of earlier that year; it was the part of her that looked at her daughters and saw what beautiful creations she had helped to bring into this world, saw how much they'd brought into her life and the lives of the others around her. She wanted to hold that innocent little body in the crook of her arm and watch it grow into an amazing human being. It was a feeling that came from the deepest part inside of her, the purest part of her soul. The part of almost every woman that motherhood calls upon to grant the safe harbor of life into the world. But it was a part she couldn't afford to listen to right now.
Lily nodded in understanding. She paused tactfully before continuing, "You were working two jobs and living in a studio apartment when you had Emma. You almost died a few months before you got pregnant with Natalie. Your circumstances were never ideal but you forged ahead, despite all the obstacles, and now you have two beautiful girls that some women can only dream of having."
"No," Donna shook her head, trying to block out Lily's words of hope, hope she felt she didn't deserve right then. "No, it's not fair to Josh or the girls right now."
"Do you think that Josh wouldn't be overjoyed to have another child with you? Or that the girls wouldn't love to have another sibling in their lives? You don't give them enough credit."
"I took months from them, Lily. I took months from my girls and from my husband; I have to repair those relationships before I can even think of having another baby, no matter how much I want to."
"Then stop making it so hard on yourself and on them," Lily advised her. "Stop taking this slow and steady. Yes, your family has problems and issues they need to resolve. But you're forgetting something."
"And that is?"
"They love you, Donna. Josh, Emma, and Natalie love you very much and they want to forgive you and trust you again. You just have to let them is all." She rubbed Donna's shoulder in support. "Now I'm not saying you should go home and start charting your ovulation cycles and all that just yet; I'm saying you need to forgive yourself before they can start to forgive you. And I think if you ask them, they'll give you their blessing to do that."
Donna snickered to herself. "Is this insight something that goes along with coming out of the closet or can you bottle whatever you've been drinking and send me a case?"
"It's the secret of lesbians everywhere, darling. We're not allowed to break the inner circle." She leered playfully at Donna. "But it's not too late if you want to switch teams. I've made lots of new and interesting friends this past year."
Donna scrunched up her face in mock consideration. "Thanks but no thanks. I'm afraid I've been spoiled."
Lily giggled. "He's that good, huh?"
"You have no idea," Donna replied huskily, arousal coating her body just thinking bout what a wonderful lover her husband was. Even though she hadn't been enjoying the benefits of married life for quite some time, she had a long memory.
"Oh just go home and jump him why don't you," Lily instructed her.
"That's starting to sound really good, you know." She sighed tiredly. "But I can't because I have to…"
"…Regain his trust, I know, I know. Man am I glad I got out of the hetero game when I did." The two friends laughed and spent the rest of their ride joking with each other, like nothing had really changed in their relationship. But that was always how they handled things as friends: face a problem, deal with it, and move on. If only her martial problems could be solved this simply.
When she'd returned home that night, after she'd said goodnight to the girls, she wandered around through the house until she came into the living room. She found Josh there sitting on the sofa, stacks of memos and letters all around him. "What are you doing?"
"Toby sent up some things that arrived at the main office that apparently require my immediate attention, and the good citizens of Connecticut have seen fit to inundate me with their complainants of what I'm doing wrong after only about six months on the job." He rubbed his eyes wearily. "This had better get easier to deal with, that's all I'm saying."
"It will," Donna told him, as she went to walk over to the mantle. You'll get better at this, don't worry."
"We better both pray that I do. But enough about me, how was New York? Were the meetings okay?" he asked, still focused on his readings.
"Yeah they were fine." She glanced over at him, engrossed in his memos. "Lily's gay, you know."
"That's nice," he mumbled disinterestedly. After a few seconds his head shot up. "Huh?"
"Lily's gay," Donna informed him. "She told me so this afternoon."
"Like…gay? As in a lesbian?" he asked, still befuddled and confused. "For how long?"
"About a year now she said. I thought she might have been joking around when she started hitting on me but--"
"Excuse me?!" Josh cried as he got up from his seat to face her. "What the hell do you mean she was hitting on you? You're married for God sakes! Does she have absolutely no respect for that whatsoever?"
"Josh, she was kidding!" Donna laughed at him. "Not about being gay but about wanting to run off into the sunset with me." She smiled softly at him and reached up to rub his arm. "But it's nice to know you still care."
He averted his eyes from her even though her gesture warmed him. As much as he wanted for things to be okay again, he didn't know what Donna wanted and until he did know what her intentions really were, opening himself up to her was something he couldn't afford to do. He cleared his throat and went back over to the sofa, picking up a memo but not really seeing what he reading. "So she's really a lesbian?" he asked brusquely.
Donna massaged the back of her neck to try to ease the tension in it. Part of her understood why Josh pushed her away but the other part was disappointed nonetheless. "With a girlfriend and everything. Pretty weird huh?"
"You can say that again," he said, shaking his head and going back to his work.
She could see that Josh was focused and didn't want to discuss Lily anymore. Or possibly them, so she decided to let it go for the night. "I'm going to head up to bed now," she told him.
"Okay. Goodnight."
"Night." She walked over to the door but stopped short of walking out. Remembering her conversation with Lily earlier that day and feeling a resolve surge through her, she impulsively turned back to him. "Josh?"
"Yeah?" he said, still looking at his papers.
"Is it alright if I forgive myself?"
He didn't look at her for a second before turning to her with a perplexed expression on his face. "What do you mean?"
"Is it alright if I forgive myself for what I did to you and the girls?" she elaborated. "I think if I can forgive myself then maybe I can start to trust myself again. So then you guys can trust me again." She looked him straight in the eye, not even trying to mask her apprehension. "So is it okay?"
"Why do you need my permission?"
"Because I love you and if you say it's alright for me to forgive myself, than I'll believe you and I'll know it's okay."
He pursed his lips and stared down at the coffee table, with the look he had whenever he was deciding something that would deeply affect many people. Which is what he was doing, really; if he said Donna could stop paying her penance, then everything in their family would shift in the direction of healing and things could be good again. But if he said no, which he very well might, it meant that he hadn't even started to forgive her yet either. But either way, Donna needed to know where exactly she stood with him.
Josh thought about all the possibilities his answer would entail. Whatever he said, it would either save or destroy his family. His heart told him that she was making a peace offering here and that he should jump on it before she changed her mind but his mind was reminding him of the agonizing weeks away from his children and how angry he was with her still because of it. It was so hard just getting through each day that Josh just wanted to throw his hands up and have it be done with. He imagined that those thoughts made an appearance in her mind too and yet here she stood, asking for his permission to let their family start to heal.
After the silence had enveloped them for the better part of five minutes, when Donna thought she'd explode with anxiety, Josh finally looked over at his wife and simply said," Do what you have to do, Donna." He looked back down at his memos as Donna held her breath until her husband continued, "Just know that I'm here with you."
Sighing in relief she started to head back upstairs when another urge overcame her. Walking back to where Josh sat, she gently tilted his face up to hers and ever so softly brushed her lips against his own. She heard him suck in a deep breath before she pulled back to whisper, "Thank you." Caressing his face as she slowly released it, she slipped out of the room, leaving a slightly puzzled husband in her wake. What she didn't get the chance to see was her husband smiling, really smiling, for the first time in months.
"It's really going to be okay," he said to himself, almost disbelievingly, so not to tempt Fate anymore than they already had.