"I understand that Senator Davenport, yes I do," Josh said seriously. He was sitting behind his desk as the late summer moonlight cast a bluish glow in his study. He'd been on the phone for a better part of an hour now, after he'd received some startling news. "Yes sir, I will. Thank you very much, I'll have my office set up a meeting with you this week…Goodnight Senator." Slowly hanging up the phone, Josh rubbed his face and leaned back into his chair, emotionally wrung-out and physically elated all at once. 'This is the opportunity I've been waiting for,' he thought to himself as he got up and began rhythmically pacing around the room, trying to burn off his spare energy. Finally satisfied, he bounded out the room and hustled down the hallway until he got to the kitchen and ground to a halt.
"Hey, you're alive," Donna chirped pleasantly, not turning around to look at him as she continued to wash the dishes from dinner that evening. They'd had some of their neighbors over to enjoy their last weekend meal in Connecticut until winter, most likely. The Wyldes' were a charming young couple with a daughter about Emma's age and had invited Emma over to spend the night at their home so Josh and Donna could have a relatively quiet evening at home, something they hadn't gotten the chance to do in quite some time. "I was about to file for your Social Security benefits--"
"Which go to my daughters," he informed her.
"Damn it," she mocked disappointingly. "Note to self: cancel original plan of Josh's elaborate shower death and resign self to a hundred more years with husband." She glanced over her shoulder and gave him a smile, noticing how he was leaning casually against the doorframe in classic Josh form: Arms folded, feet crossed, and that cocky half smile he reserved just for her. It made her body tingle all the way down to her toenails and she turned away before she jumped him while covered in dish detergent. "So I take it that phone call provided you with some good news?"
"Yes indeedy, my darling dearest," he grinned at her at her figure, admiring the curves that her pale blue sundress hugged in all the right places.
"Well…?"
"Well what?"
"Are you just gonna make me guess or will you save us both some time and just say--?"
"Gabe DeWitt thinks that blacks have made it a priority to rob white American youths of a proper college education," he blurted out, catching her slightly off guard.
Donna snorted loudly. "Gabe DeWitt is a white Southern male Senator from Mississippi who was elected in 1968 and has voted against Affirmative Action funding every chance he gets," she replied, still scrubbing a pan. "Of course he thinks that. Why is that the reason you're over there grinning like a fool?"
"Because he said it to Jackson Star, in an article that's gong to break nation-wide tomorrow," Josh boasted, moving to grab onto the top of the doorframe as if he were hanging from it.
Donna immediately stopped her washing and whirled around to face him. "Are you kidding me?"
"No, no, no Donnatella, this is for really real." He waggled his eyebrows at her. "Hoynes is publicly condemning him tomorrow morning after which Senator DeWitt shall end his reign of twelve long and arduous years as the House Majority Leader."
"And you're so ecstatic about this that you've forgotten proper English?" she sassed him sweetly.
"That and because they've already selected a new Majority Leader."
"Already? Isn't that pretty fast if he hasn't even stepped down yet?" Donna asked, turning back to the dishes.
He shrugged casually. "DeWitt is nearly eighty years old; they've had someone in their back pocket for awhile in case something happened to him," he explained. "Guess who the Republicans have selected as their new leader?"
"You?" she razzed him playfully.
"Davenport," he said, stretching the name out. "Senator Richard P. Davenport of North Dakota
"Wait a minute," she turned back to him again. "The same Davenport who's Alzheimer's initiative you got pushed into the Bartlet Healthcare Reform Act? That Richard P. Davenport."
"The one in the same," he told her, stepping closer to her but stopping about halfway there. "I just got off the phone with him; DeWitt's being reassigned to a less visible committee and on Monday morning when we get back, he's announcing that I get DeWitt's seat on Foreign Relations." The assignment was a plumb one for Josh and he'd been fighting to get the next open seat since he'd arrived in the Senate. It wasn't considered a glamorous committee because of the lack of money involved, but it dealt directly with world issues, something Josh would need experience with if he hoped to go higher than the Capitol Building.
He'd personally been beyond thrilled when he'd received Davenport's phone call, but now, as he stood there spewing his good news, he couldn't help but wonder if his wife would feel the same way. Of course, she'd be happy for him because she loved him, but would she be happy for what this meant for the big picture, the really big picture? Happy that the real groundwork was starting to be laid for his shot at the Presidency? Happy for the added attention they'd receive in Washington and in the press? All of a sudden, these thoughts, coupled with his wife's silence and vague expression, pressed on his mind.
"Donna, if you don't want me to--" he started to tell her but was cut off when she reached over and wrapped her arms around his neck.
"You're really serious?" she whispered excitedly in his ear, her wet and soapy hands holding him close. "You're not just messing with me, this is really gonna happen on Monday?"
"Ye…Yeah," he stumbled, a little surprised at her apparent happiness. "You're okay with all this though?"
"Of course I am," she pulled back and looked at him. "Why wouldn't I be? This is great for you and for us!" She squealed gleefully and launched herself at him again. "Oh this is fantastic!"
"Yes it is," he smiled, pulling her closer. He inhaled the scent of Lysol mixed with the scent of lilac shampoo that permeated from her. Softly stroking his hands up and down her back, he felt her body undulate slightly under his touch. Donna closed her eyes, the smile gone from her face as Josh gently caressed her, her excited giggles replaced by her ever-harshening breathing.
This touch, this closeness, was the most intimate they had been in quite some time. After their magnetic kiss on the soccer field more than two weeks ago, they'd both been treading carefully around the subject of lovemaking. Naturally they were more passionate and playful with one another, but they had yet to take that big leap, neither willing to risk the trust of the other that they'd just recently regained. But what was life without risks?
"Donna," Josh murmured into her hair, stopping his stroking so he could pull back slightly to look at her face. Happily noting her unhappy moan that resulted when he stopped, he held her close as he leaned his face forward until their noses were touching and their breaths fused together in a harmonic symphony. Looking deep into her eyes, seeing her dilated pupils and tints of green mixing with blue, he closed the gap between them, planting a tender but firm kiss on her waiting lips.
"Mmm," she groaned against his lips, tilting her head back slightly and bringing her hands up to his brown curls to try to entice him to deepen the kiss. It wasn't a hint that went unnoticed; within milliseconds, Josh grasped the sides of her hips and tugged her closer, pushing his tongue inside her mouth, almost tasting the passion they had deprived themselves of for too long. Like always, Donna gave as good as she got, mischievously twisting her own tongue around his and almost fondling his neck in a way she knew would drive him crazy.
This is what had been missing all those months, this was the affirmation they both needed yet couldn't speak; this is what had brought them together in the first place, not politics or friendship or illness or even a toe-haired little girl. This pure, unadulterated, passionate lust that a person can only feel with their soul mate; not the cheap kind that only lasts a few nights or weeks but this true one that lasts a lifetime. This is why they were meant to be together.
Feeling like they could go on for hours like this, playing this simple game of tonsil hockey, Josh bent down slightly as he kept kissing his wife and lifted her up into his arms. As she was perched above him, lovingly tracing the lines of his back, by sheer memory alone he made his way up the stairs to their bedroom. When oxygen could be ignored no longer, they disconnected long enough for Josh to deposit Donna onto the bed and to remove shoes and socks. Kneeling in the middle, her entire body blushing rose, she beckoned her husband back to her as she lay back against the pillows until her husband was right she wanted him: above her body and entrenched in her heart.
Once they rejoined, no words were spoken; the only sounds in the room were heady sighs and rustling fabric. They took their time, exploring with hands and reacquainting themselves with the little things they'd forgotten about each other; the tiny mole on Josh's neck, the ticklish underside of Donna's knee, the tiny indented scar on Josh's back leftover from a football game, the textured feel of toe polish from Donna's toenails. Sensual fervor reigned supreme and made no room for other thought. It wasn't until many moments later, when Josh's impatient hands made their way up the slit of Donna's dress to her hipbone and she felt the unmistakable hardness against her thigh, that reason broke through her clouded mind.
"Josh," she managed to breathe out, his lips wreaking havoc on her sensitive collarbone. It was tempting to just give into her desire but before she could, yet another discussion needed to take place. "Josh," she said again, stronger this time as she reached down to pull back his pleasurably invading hand. "Hold…hold on a second."
He looked down at her face, hair surrounding her in a delicate gold halo and face flushed with yearning but tinged with something else. "What is it?" he gasped out, squeezing her hand. But before she could get a word out, her beauty and his love overcame him and he leaned down to feast upon her neck again, hoping he could calm anything she feared or wanted with his kisses.
"Oh God," she cried out quietly, looking back up at the canopy of the bed for wisdom. Her mind screamed out for sensibility but her body demanded satisfaction. The age-old dilemma, practicality versus passion, and Donna wasn't sure which would win out. However when Josh's mouth drifted down to her cloth-covered breasts, the decision was made for her. Gathering all her willpower, she gently pushed his body off of hers and climbed out from under him, sitting on the edge of the bed.
Confused was one word to describe Josh at that moment. One minute they were seemingly in the midst of finally making love and the next she wasn't even looking at him anymore.
"I'm sorry," she finally said when she caught her breath. She turned her head and saw him lying down on the bed, hands covering his face in an effort to regain his self-control. "I just…just--"
"What? Decided that a life celibacy has some merit to it?" he asked disinterestedly, staring upward, acutely annoyed, disheartened, and frustrated all at once. "You wanted to see if it was literally possible to drive a person to insanity from sexual deprivation? You wanted--"
"I want to have a baby," she told him softly, looking back at him. When he didn't make a move to do anything, she continued, "That's what I want; to have a child with you again." She stared at him for another minute before she said, "Are you gonna say anything at all, Josh?"
"Well, that was unexpected," he commented, lifting himself up to sit next to her. She didn't say anything, just fiddled with the down comforter instead of looking right at him. Shoulders barely touching, he pondered her for a moment. "When…when did this come about?" he asked curiously.
"It's been building for awhile, I guess. Maybe since my dad died, maybe afterwards; I'm not really sure," she answered honestly. "I just know I want to have a baby, more than anything right now."
"Then why did you…?" he asked, gesturing to bed.
"Because you deserve a say in this too. I still haven't gone back on the Pill and I can't make decisions that affect this whole family by myself anymore; I learned that one the hard way." She finally looked up at him with wide, hopeful eyes. "So what do you think?"
"I think," he began as he got up to stand in front of her, "that it was very unfair of you to dump this on me like this." He saw her shoulders slump slightly and her eyes shadow over but he pressed on. "You can't just expect me to hear that you want to have another child in the midst of making love and give you a legitimate answer on whether or not I do too."
"You're right," she agreed wholeheartedly. "That was stupid and I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said it that way but I didn't want to risk anything happening until I knew what you wanted." She looked at him expectantly. "What do you want?"
"I…I don't know," he replied, feeling like he was being backed into a corner. He started pacing in small steps in front of her.
"Well what's the first thing that popped into your mind after I told you?" she asked, desperate to know where he stood on this.
Hesitant, he stopped and looked at her. "You want the truth?"
"Always."
"I think no," he said truthfully. "My first thought was no."
"Okay," she nodded, feeling her heart constrict a little. "No, as in…ever or--?"
"No, as in right now," he clarified half-heartedly. "I want more kids, definitely, but right now isn't a good time."
"Why?"
"Why what?"
"Why not? Why is now such a horrible time to have a baby?" she asked as stood to face him.
"Well, your job for starters," he argued. "The magazine hits the stands in a month, how are you gonna juggle that if we have a newborn at home plus two other kids?"
"By working from the house," she countered. "I told Lily it would be too hard to commute to New York every couple of days so I'll work from here and DC and I'll keep up with the goings-on there with faxes and emails and conference calls. I'll go up to New York twice a month for staff meetings."
"And my job? You think the hours I'm gonna be working now on are conductive to parenting a newborn?"
"So you're saying we can't have anymore children until you're out of public office? Well guess what, that puts my age somewhere in the early fifties by the time our third child would be conceived."
Nervously running a hand through his hair, he tried a different tactic. "What about Emma and Natalie? You think they want to compete with a new baby for attention?"
"Every Christmas since Natalie was born, the first thing on Emma's Christmas list is a new baby sister or brother and Natalie loves everyone she comes in contact with. Besides, they'd be a part of the whole experience with us, like Emma was when I was pregnant with Natalie. No one's going to love anyone more or less in this family." She crossed her arms defiantly. "What else you got?"
"Why are you doing this? Why are you making this so hard? I've told you how I feel about this already!"
"Because that's not how you really feel!" she yelled at him. "I saw you the night Natalie was born, I saw that look on your face; I know it was one the top three happiest moments of your life and you cannot stand here and tell me you don't want to feel that way again. I'm your wife and I know you so just tell me what is wrong," she demanded of him, taking his hands desperately.
"Because I'm scared!" he finally admitted, ripping his hands out of hers violently as he moved away from her. "I'm terrified, Donna, of us! Of what happens if one of us gets scared or angry and we put ourselves through that hell again! We couldn't make it through that and you can't guarantee me that it will never happen." He stopped and leaned up against the wall, sliding down as he felt the full weight of his fear well up inside of him. "We've already put the girls through that," he tried to explain to his wife. "I don't want to risk hurting another child like that, putting them what Emma went through. It's a cruel thing to do to another human being and I couldn't live with myself if it ever happened again." Exhausted, he put his head in his hands, refusing to look at his wife's reaction.
Donna looked down at her husband, at his tired, weathered form, crumpled up against the wall in their bedroom. Like herself, Josh was good at masking his emotions; he wasn't the master politician for nothing. But it broke her heart to see that he was letting fear, something he never used to let stop him, hold him back from feeling such joy, joy that she knew he wanted to feel again. It pained her to realize that she was the cause of it but berating herself for it now would do neither of them any good.
She slowly walked over to him and kneeled down in front of him. She placed her hands on his knees supportively and said in a docile yet strong tone, "You're absolutely right, Josh, about everything you just said. It's very possible that something else may happen that will push us apart; our personalities are, after all, not the most conductive for handling emotional confrontations very well. We never know what curveballs Life is going to throw at us. We could very well end up getting a divorce someday, fifty percent of all couples do. And it isn't fair to do that to any child, especially our own. But you know what, Josh?" She pulled his face up to look at her, so he could really hear what she was trying to say. "The payoff is worth so much more than the risk. The payoff is a little tiny person that is a part of you and part of me, that we get to love and cherish and drive crazy for the rest of our lives." She smiled at him as she reached up to tenderly stroke his cheek. "I love you, more than anyone else could ever possibly love you. And I abused that love by hurting you the way I did and I'm sorry. Sorry that it's made you so afraid to let something this beautiful happen for us." She sighed in remorse when he turned his head away from her. "I can't change our past and what I did to you but I can make our future better by giving you, by giving us, this gift. This baby wouldn't just be a new member of our family; it would be a new beginning for all of us." She paused but got no reaction from him, no indication of anything. She stood up but didn't motion for him to do the same. "I'm willing to risk it, Josh; and if you're really the man that I know you are, deep down you're willing to as well." With that, she walked out the bedroom, leaving Josh alone with her statement.
"Okay," he whispered to himself when he was sure Donna was out of earshot. "Now what do I do with that?" Pushing himself up off the floor, he stretched out his back as he contemplated what he'd just been told. He didn't doubt that Donna truly believed what she was saying and a part of him wanted to be that way too, but he couldn't afford to be. Things were just getting back to normal between them, finally; why did she want to rock the boat? 'Because she wants to be a mother again,' his mind said. 'That's not a bad thing, just bad timing. And timing is everything after all.'
"Daddy!" he jumped at the sound of a little voice behind him. Turning, he saw Natalie standing in the doorway in her pajamas, her blanket tucked under her arm, brown curls askew, and a mischievous little elfin grin on her face.
"What are you doing here, missy?" he said going over to her and picking her up. "You," Josh kissed her cheek, "are supposed to be in bed."
"I want story," she demanded, crossing her arms.
"But Mommy already read you a story, remember?" he said as he started to bring her back to her room.
"I want Daddy story," she said, poking his chest. "You better."
"Daddy's better at stories than Mommy?" She nodded briskly and he had to laugh as he brought her into her room. "Alright, Daddy will tell you another story but then you have to go to sleep."
"Yeah!" she clapped her hands as he laid her down on her brand-new bed. At almost two years old, she'd been able to get herself out of the crib without hurting herself a few times but neither Josh nor Donna wanted to tempt any fates so they purchased Natalie her very first bed, complete with safety bars that usually proved futile to her efforts.
He tucked the blankets around her and her assortment of stuffed animals before he sat down on the floor beside her, hoping she'd be tired enough for a quick story. "So what do want to hear about?"
"Bear story," Natalie told him. "Tell Bear story."
"The Bear story, big surprise," he said under his breath, as it was her favorite. "Alright, once upon a time there was a family three bears who lived in a house. There was Momma, Poppa, and…"
"Natalie!" she filled in the blank with her own version.
"Yes, there was Baby Bear Natalie and her older Sister Bear Emma," he smiled down at her. "So anyways, this family lived all by themselves until one day, they went out for a walk and big, mean man named Mr.…"
"Walken!" she completed the sentence, curling up on her side to get comfortable.
"Yes, Mr. Walken," he said, knowing he was probably setting a bad example but if he was going to have to recite boring children's' stories, he was gonna have fun with it. "And Mr. Walken went into the house and used all of the Bear's things without their permission, breaking a lot of them, and when they got home, guess what those Bears did?"
"What?" she asked sleepily, her eyes drooping slightly.
"They filed a lawsuit, claiming property damage and infliction of emotional abuse and they won a hefty settlement in federal court, so they moved into a huge mansion and lived happily ever after while Mr. Walken's punishment was to spend the rest of his life in budget meetings with a liberal group of feminists from the National Organization for Women. The End," he whispered as he saw that Natalie was already well on her way to a peaceful night of slumber. Bending forward, he placed a kiss on her forehead and gently stroked her brown locks against the pillow.
'Why am I afraid of having something like this again?' Josh thought wistfully. 'Why am I not jumping up and down in ecstasy that Donna wants to create this all over again with me?' Sitting there, on the floor beside his daughter, he couldn't remember a good reason anymore. When Natalie had been born, it had been a different kind of love with her than with Emma. Not a better or bigger one, just different. Emma had been the daughter of his greatest love so naturally he'd loved her from the start. But with Natalie, he'd had the anticipation of waiting nine months for this little person to come into his life and when she had, when he'd first held her tiny body, he'd realized that this child was a piece of him, a part of his flesh. She was his past and his future all in one; the legacy of generations of Lymans' before him all rolled up into this 7 lb, 8 ounce ball of flesh. He remembered the feeling that Donna had told him about before and looking down at his baby, he realized what a fool he was to be so afraid of it.
'But what about the X factor?' the pragmatic side of him cried out. 'Do you really want to risk putting your children, all of your children, through a painful divorce? Is it really worth those risks?'
'Jed Bartlet was a risk,' his idealistic side, his fatherly side, rebutted. 'Leaving Hoynes to put Bartlet in office was a huge risk. So was running for Senator, so was loving Emma so much so soon, so was deciding to get married, even hiring Donna to begin with was a huge risk. In the end, wasn't it all worth it?'
Realizing what the truth really was, finally, he gave Natalie one more kiss and whispered in her ear, "Thank you sweetheart. And I'll make sure your new baby brother or sister thanks you when the time is right." She stirred slightly but didn't wake, nestling herself further under the blankets. Leaving the room, he went back to his bedroom, hoping to find his wife but she wasn't there, and so he headed downstairs in search of her.
Donna was in the kitchen, slowly and methodically finishing the forgotten dishes. 'Why must he be so determined to let the past six months tie us down forever?' she thought sadly. She'd done everything in her power to convince him that it wouldn't happen again because she wouldn't let it get that far again. But it wasn't working and Donna understood that this was something that Josh needed to come to on his own. All she could do was be there for him and support him until he finally realized that it was okay to move on. She just hoped it was soon, for all their sakes.
She was in the middle of scrubbing a glass when all of a sudden she felt a pair of hands on her hips. Before she could grasp that concept, she felt a pair of lips place a string of feather-light kisses down the back of her throat. Dropping the glass into the water-filled sink, she shakily reached up to turn off the faucet as what were unmistakably Josh's lips continued to tantalize her still sensitive throat. Clutching the counter, she leaned her head back against his shoulder to give him better access, hoping with everything in here that this meant what she thought it meant. "Are you sure?" she breathed out into his ear.
He didn't speak, just slowly and sensually moved his hands from where they were holding her hips firmly in place to rest upon her stomach, rubbing the area devotedly with sure hands. "I love you," he told her, removing his lips from her to answer. "I want this. I want to start over again and get it right this time. And it will be when I'm watching you hold our baby in your arms." He kissed her cheek, squeezing her stomach slightly.
She smiled through the tears that were welling up behind her eyes. "I love you too," she told him as his lips moved back down her throat. She placed her hands over his on her stomach and laughed lightly. "We're gonna have a baby," she said a little awed.
"Well not tonight," he joked, moving to nibble on the shell of her ear, eliciting a moan from deep within her. "But I don't see why we can't make one."
"We might not get it right the first time," she teased, wrapping her arms around his neck to pull him closer.
"People rarely do," he said, turning her to face him, cupping her face in his hands. "That's why they keep trying and trying and trying until they get it right." He kissed her nose before hugging her tightly to him, savoring the thrill of finally having her truly back.
She held onto him with equal force, relishing the fact that her husband was coming back to her after so long and the fact that they'd have many other things to look forward to together. "Make love to me, Joshua," she requested. "Right now."
He pulled back to smile wolfishly at her. "Okay," he smirked before he hoisted her up onto the counter as she yelped in surprise. But he didn't give her time to recover as he covered her lips with his own.
"You are crazy," she laughed when they pulled apart, struggling to get his shirt off.
"And you are stuck with me for the rest of your life," he told her, his hands gliding up and down her sides.
"Fine," she replied, reaching down to tug up the hem of her dress until it was bunched around her waist, now driving her husband crazy. "But can you just shut up and get me pregnant?"
"Anytime ma'am," he said, leaning to trap her in a mind-numbing kiss, as hope, in its full entirety, was finally restored.