Part 3.

Susan hesitated, her hand raised to press the call button next to the door of the apartment. What was wrong with her? Her whole body was pulsating with each heartbeat, and she could see her hand shaking as she held it in midair. These symptoms she could put down to the activities of the last two days, but not the way the Mars climate had suddenly cooled, and the fact that she was now hypersensitive to noises and people.

No. As much as she hated to admit it, her emotional outburst of the day before, and the revelations that came with it, had nudged her off balance. She had tried to regain her composure, but she still had the strangest feeling of being slightly out of kilter with the rest of the universe. It was very disconcerting.

After Stephen had left her, Susan had retreated to the bed and cried for a long time. She couldn't help it. The tears would not stop. They would subside for a few moments, then, with a whimper and a wail, she would bury her face into the pillow and begin again. It was like a dam that had been breached; the flow could be stemmed, but nothing was going to stop her emotions now that they had found an escape route after five years. Eventually, she must have slept, drained and exhausted as she was.

Susan had woken to a darkened room; her rage dissipated and her tears spent, but her future course unclear. She had sat in the dark, for how long she did not know, and thought. She thought of Marcus, of the conversations they had shared, of the hopes they had discussed. At no time had he hinted at a daughter. Susan tried to imagine how she would have fit into his life, a young child on a mining colony; then when he had joined the Rangers, an additional burden to add to his promise. And what of Marie? Losing her home to a war she could not understand, and then her Father because of a woman she did not know. Susan fully expected to be hated by Marie, and the meeting she had requested to just be an opportunity to show her bitterness and resentment that Susan had lived at the expense of her Father.

Susan did not want to meet her, to see the accusation in her eyes, to have the guilt that she held in her heart confirmed by an orphaned girl.

She could have run away again. It would have been so easy to have gone back to her ship and spent the next five years as she had the last five. Marie would be able to hate her, it was her right. It was all Susan deserved.

If it had not been for the fact that Stephen had already arranged the meeting, she would have left. But he trusted her and she was not going to betray that trust, no matter how else she may have disappointed her friends by her actions.

Honour had made her get dressed the next morning, brush her unruly hair into some semblance of a style, and apply concealer to her yellowing bruises. Honour had quelled the apprehension that sat in her stomach as she stood outside the address she had been given.

All her fears and misgivings were back now that she was one push away from Marie. Susan tightened her hand into a fist, digging her nails into her palm. She focused on the pain, trying to create a centre to ground herself. After a few seconds to form her composure, Susan unclenched her hand and firmly pushed the call button.

Susan struck her captain's pose as she waited for the door to swing open.

She waited.

No one answered the door, and Susan felt a wave of relief as she realised that the meeting she had dreaded was not to take place. Marie was not home. She would be able to leave Mars without seeing her and still tell Stephen that she had kept the appointment. The release of pent up tension made her light headed and slightly euphoric, such that she had to place a hand to the wall as she turned.

In her rapid retreat from the door, Susan did not hear the delighted laughter of a little girl who ran around the corner of the corridor and straight into her. The collision resulted in them both sitting on the floor, Susan growling curses and the girl bawling her eyes out.

"Amy! What happened?" The worried shout was followed from around the corner by a young woman. The bag of shopping that she carried was dropped as she fell to her knees and picked up the crying girl.

"Shhh," She soothed, "It's all right, I'm here."

The woman gently rocked the child, then when she had assured herself that she was not hurt, turned her attention to Susan who was getting ready to launch one of her infamous verbal assaults.

"Are you all right?" she asked.

Susan's scathing reply died on her lips. She knew this woman.

"Marie?"

The woman stared at her in confusion, obviously trying to remember where they had met before. Susan watched her expression change to one of embarrassed astonishment as Marie realised that this was the person with whom she had an appointment.

"Captain Ivanova!" she gasped.

Marie scrambled to her feet, still with Amy wrapped around her. She supported the child with one hand and extended the other towards Susan, helping her up, whilst launching into a breathless explanation.

"Oh gosh! I'm so sorry. Have you been waiting long? I did mean to be here, but the shopping took me longer than I expected, and I had promised Amy that we could play on the swings. Well time went on so we had to run back."

By this time, Marie had opened the door to the apartment and retrieved her shopping. She ushered Susan in.

"Come in. Take a seat and I'll just get this lot sorted out. Amy, why don't you go find Biddy, there's a good girl. Are you sure you're all right Captain? Amy slammed into you quite hard by the looks of it. Would you like a drink? I've got tea and coffee, or there's a bottle of vodka somewhere in this bag. Stephen said that was what you liked. I haven't really stopped since he called yesterday. I just hope I've not forgotten anything. It's quite lucky that we're on Mars at the same time. I only arrived last week so I didn't have much in, hence the shopping trip this morning. Stephen told me not to worry about food, but I couldn't offer you beans on toast could I? I suppose it's living on Minbar for so long, but I feel that it's necessary for an important meeting like this to be accompanied by a meal. Of course I haven't got the time to do the three-day ritual, and I didn't feel flarn would be appropriate. It was only when I went to Earth that I realised how much I've missed human food."

Marie paused. She had unpacked her shopping onto the counter in the apartment's kitchen and was staring at it wide eyed. She ran her hands up into her hair and blew out a long breath.

"Where to start?" she said to herself, turning a rapid three hundred and sixty, taking stock of the situation. "Kettle!" Marie pounced on the appliance; then began sorting out the rest of the ingredients of her planned meal.

"Surprisingly, it wasn't the fancy foods that I missed most," Marie took up her narration where she had left off, "I'd forgotten that apple crumble used to be my favourite pudding at school…"

Susan didn't hear any of what Marie said. She fully expected to wake up back in her prison cell, so unstuck from reality did she feel. It could not be happening. How could it be happening? She could just about accept that Marcus had an adopted daughter, but not that she would be rattling on about childhood dishes. Where was the anger; the hurt? Surely she knew what had happened; that she, the great Captain Ivanova, was the cause of her heartache of the last five years. Susan remembered her own reaction when her Mother died and imagined that Marie would have felt the same.

Susan looked at Amy. The girl was now hugging a doll, barely dry eyes staring at her. She couldn't be more than four years old, and Marie had to still be in her teens, which meant that she would have been little more than a child herself when she….

Susan suddenly felt sick. What had she done? Because of her, the daughter of her friend had been driven into the arms of possibly the first man to have offered her comfort. It did not look like he was still around to help with the parental duties, if he even knew.

She hung her hear in her hands and groaned. Could this day get any worse?

"Captain Ivanova?"

Susan looked up at Marie's concerned face. She was kneeling next to her, having noticed Susan's distressed state.

"Are you all right? Is there anything you need?"

"Could I use your bathroom?"

Marie pointed, "Second door on the right."

Susan managed to keep her composure until she had locked the door behind her, then she threw up her breakfast. It did not help, she still felt sick to the pit of her stomach. Sitting on the floor, waiting for her head to stop spinning, she decided that she had to leave. There was nothing that she could say to Marie that could change anything. If she offered her money it would look like she was trying to buy her forgiveness. No, it would be better if she left her life before she could mess it up any more.

There was a quiet tap at the door,

"Captain Ivanova? Would you like me to call a doctor?"

Susan shook herself from her thoughts, "No! I'm all right. I'll be out in a minute."

She washed out her mouth and splashed water on her face whilst quickly rehearsing her excuse. Glancing at her reflection she thought, God, I look like death warmed up. Then she straightened her clothes and reached into her pocket for the Ranger pin. At least she could give that to its rightful owner.

On emerging from the bathroom, Susan found Marie sitting on the floor, helping Amy build a pyramid of play bricks. Marie scrambled to her feet.

"Captain! Are you feeling better? I forgot to ask if you wanted tea or coffee."

She came straight out with it, "I'm leaving."

Marie's face fell.

"Why? You've only just got here. We haven't had time to talk."

"There's no need. There is nothing you can say that I haven't already told myself. It's all my fault. Everything that has happened to you has been because of me." Susan paused, "I'm sorry." There, she had said it. "The one thing that I wish I could do more than anything else is to go back to that night and stop him from saving my life. I would have stopped him then if I could. I'd done my part. I was ready to die; I had accepted it. He had you, and I cannot understand how he could leave you alone. All I do know is that if he hadn't fallen in love with me then you might still have him."

Marie had started to quietly cry. Susan pushed on to the end.

"That's all I wanted to say, and to give you this," she pushed the pin into Marie's hands, "It was your Father's. I'm not asking for your forgiveness."

"There's nothing to forgive," Marie grasped at Susan's hand before she could turn to the door. "You don't understand. I wanted to meet you to be able to thank you."

It was a second before Susan registered what was said.

"What?"

"I want to thank you." Marie repeated.

"What could you possibly thank me for?"

"You gave me back my Father."

"But I killed your Father." Susan was getting confused.

"What happened then is not your fault." Marie tried to explain. "And I am talking about before that. Dad was the funniest person I knew. When I was small, I was never sad when I was with him. The things we did." She chuckled at a secret memory, then chewed her bottom lip. "After Granddad died, he changed. Every day he was a little more distant, less like my Dad and more like a stranger. When Uncle Billy died, I thought I had lost him for good. I looked into his eyes and they were empty. The laughter had gone, and with it, his soul. My Father was dead inside before he met you. I could not give him back the laughter; but you did."

Susan thought back to the first time she had met Marcus. He had been intensely serious and sombre. She hadn't thought much about it before.

"I have more to thank you for than you could possibly know." Marie continued. "Because of you, Dad learned to laugh again, to love and to hope; everything that he had lost. The last time that I saw him, he was just as I remembered from when I was small. Even if it was only for a little while, he was happy. We were happy."

For a few seconds Susan couldn't think of anything to say. This was the last thing she had expected to hear. No. She could not except that Marie didn't harbour some ill feelings towards her.

"But what about afterwards?" Susan had to find out how she felt.

"What about it?"

"You must blame me for something," She pressed, "For leaving you alone at an impressionable age; for Amy being born…."

Marie's face made her stop in mid flow. It was a picture of ignorant confusion. Susan was suddenly unsure of herself, but stumbled on.

"She is your daughter?" she tentatively asked.

Marie gave a horrified gasp as it clicked as to what Susan was asking.

"You thought she was..." Marie stared open mouthed before hiding her face behind her hands. She let out a muffled 'aaah!' prior to emerging. "What can I say? It's no wonder you looked ill. I just assumed you knew. Rats! Everything's gone wrong and I did want it all to be perfect."

Susan looked at Marie, a picture of frustration with one hand thrust into her hair as she franticly tried to think of a way out of the situation. Susan was inwardly cursing herself for letting her Russian pessimism make the worst assumptions. At least things were not as bad as she had imagined. Only now, Marie was on the verge of panicking, obviously out of her depth.

"Shall we start again?" Susan offered, "With proper introductions."

Marie nodded quickly and straightened up. "I am Marie Cole. It is an honour to meet you."

She held out her hand. Susan shook it firmly.

"How do you do. I am Captain Ivanova, of the EA ship Titans. Please call me Susan."

"And this," Marie beckoned over the girl, "Is Amy. I'm looking after her while her Aunt is on a business trip to Earth."

"This is Biddy." Amy added, holding up her doll.

"Hello Biddy." Susan said, shaking its hand.

"Did you mention coffee?" Susan asked, straightening up. Marie smiled, as it meant that she had decided to stay.

OoOoO

Things went better after that, although the conversation was still a little formal and awkward. It was obvious that Marie was very nervous, as she talked almost non-stop. Susan let her. She was feeling very shaky herself and was glad to sit still for a while. The new revelations had been coming thick and fast, and she needed time to sort everything out in her own head.

As the afternoon wore on, each of the women learnt about the other, although by an unspoken mutual agreement, neither of them mentioned Marcus' death. They had already told each other what needed to be said. There was little to add.

Marie refused to let Susan into the kitchen area, determined as she was to impress her guest with her culinary skills. She admitted that cooking was not something she had done much of on Minbar, but she had been taught the basics by her Grandmother and was learning quickly now that she had to fend for herself.

"This is the first chance I've had to do a real meal," She said, as she drained the vegetables. "Up to now all I've done is survival rations. I haven't had the time or occasion to do anything ambitious. I just hope it tastes ok."

Susan had no complaints. It was the first home cooked meal she had eaten in five years and no roast beef dinner that she could remember had tasted better. It didn't matter that the vegetables were a little underdone, or the roast potatoes rather black, or that the beef was from a package. It was the imperfections that made it a real meal and not something just to drive away the hunger.

When it came to the dessert, Marie was very secretive. She made Susan close her eyes before placing a dish in front of her. Susan recognised the aroma before she was told she could look.

"Limonnyi Pirog!" She almost squealed. "How did you know?"

Marie grinned, obviously pleased at the reaction, "I could say that I never reveal my sources, but I asked Stephen if you had a favourite dish. He remembered you talking about the lemon cakes your Mother made, so I did a search through the data files and decided that this was the most likely. Thankfully, I chose the right one."

She handed Susan a knife so that she had the honour of cutting into the lemon custard tart. Susan lifted the first slice and heard Marie breathe a sigh of relief that it had set.

"I'm almost embarrassed at the effort you've put in," Susan commented as she began to eat, "I certainly wasn't expecting anything like this."

"I've had fun," Marie admitted, "Plus, it's not every day that you meet the person who could have been your Mother."

Caught mid mouthful, Susan choked at the statement. She coughed violently, managed to swallow and gasped out,

"What!"

"Oh no! I've put my foot into it again haven't I?" Marie hastily apologised and handed Susan a glass of water. "I keep thinking that Stephen told you all about me."

"I didn't give him a chance. He might not have told me anyway, he would think this all a wonderful joke. One surprise revelation after another. Is there anything else I should know?"

Marie chewed her bottom lip,

"Well, Dad did say he was going to ask you to marry him."

"That would go with the Mother part."

Susan stared down at her plate, the Limonyi Pirog was only half eaten but her appetite had gone. She disheartendly stuck her fork into the middle of it.

"Are you all right?" Marie asked.

"I don't know" Susan admitted. "For five years I have been telling myself that he didn't love me. It was the only way I could survive. I didn't want to admit that once again I had lost a chance for happiness; that someone close to me had gone. Now you tell me that he had been planning to marry me, to build a life and family. I can't deceive myself any more."

She began to cry, surprised that she had any tears left.

"I don't know why he thought I would make a good mother. I have absolutely no maternal instincts."

Marie nodded in agreement, "He did say that you would probably kill him for suggesting it."

Susan laughed. She didn't quite know why, unless it was that Marie's delivery was almost exactly like Marcus'. He had possessed an uncanny timing for humour. She wiped her eyes, her spirits lifted a little.

"You have me at a terrible disadvantage. He seems to have told you all about me."

"Oh, he didn't tell me everything," Marie was quick to jump in. "I think he didn't want to scare me with details of the war. It was only when I got his last message that I found out what you meant to him."

"What message?"

"It was after you were injured." Marie looked uncertain, "He wanted me to understand why he did what he did. Didn't you get one?"

"No." Susan said, wondering herself why she hadn't, "Not one like yours." She remembered then that she had got a message. Everything that Marcus had needed to tell her had been contained in three little words.

"Do you want to see the message?" Marie asked, "I have it right here."

She held out a data crystal. Susan looked at it, but did not take it. The thought of seeing his face again, to hear his voice was more than she could bear.

"No." She declined, "I can't. Not now. Maybe one day." Susan paused, a long unanswered question coming to mind. She was almost afraid to know the answer. "Did he say why he did it?"

"He wanted you to be happy." Marie said, "He said that you had had so much sorrow in your life that you deserved a second chance to find the joy that he had. He didn't want to leave me alone," Marie hurriedly added, taking the chance to explain, "He said that it was the hardest decision that he had made and that I would have to grow up sooner than I should. He wanted us to be friends."

"Not Mother?"

"No." Marie laughed, "He wanted me to have someone that I could talk to, to confide in I suppose and help me avoid life's pitfalls."

"I'm not the best choice." Susan snorted, "I think I made every mistake in the book."

"The Minbari say, 'Those who trip tell others to step aside.'"

"The Minbari have a saying for everything." Susan noted, "Well, I don't know how much wisdom a starship captain who has wasted five years has got, but you are welcome to it."

Marie looked relieved, "Thank you."

"Don't thank me yet." Susan warned in jest. "Talking of life, what are you planning to do next? Travel some more?"

Marie shook her head. "No. I did the Earth tourist trail, and fun though it was, I didn't feel like I was really getting to know the people or the places. I want to do something useful, to learn, so that if I do go back to the Rangers, I have a new skill to use."

"Like what?"

"Xenogeology." Marie announced, her eyes shining. "I've always been fascinated by the different rocks and what you can get out of them. It's growing up on a mining colony I suppose. I've applied to all the courses I could find on Earth and Mars. The best ones are the ones that have the connections to the big exploration corporations because you can choose to take a year out of your course and spend it on one of their deep space ships."

"Learn and see the universe at the same time." Susan said.

"Exactly."

Susan blew out a breath of admiration, "You seem to have everything sorted out. There's nothing I can add. Have you been offered any places yet?"

"I don't know. I've just had my mail forwarded to here, but I haven't had time to look at it yet. I was going to after I put Amy to bed."

"Let me do that," Susan offered.

"Are you sure?" Marie looked at her with a mixture of thanks and concern.

"Yes," Susan smiled, "I may not have any maternal instincts, but I'm sure I can cope with a four year old, especially one that is almost asleep already."

She nodded towards Amy. Marie looked and smiled herself. The girl was leaning sideways in her chair, eyes closed and about to fall over. As gently as possible, Susan lifted her into her arms and carried her towards the bedroom that Marie had pointed out.

It was true that Susan had no experience with young children, but with a bit of trial and error, Amy was soon tucked up in bed and happily sleeping. Susan crept back to the main room to see if Marie had any news. She was greeted by a loud curse.

"Bloody Hell!"

Susan didn't need to see Marie to know that something was seriously wrong. The tone in her voice was certainly not one of joy. Susan found her sitting at the computer terminal, her head in her hands.

"What's wrong?" She asked.

Marie looked at her with tear filled eyes and tried to speak. When she found that she couldn't, she just waved at the screen, got up and went to the other side of the room.

Susan scrolled through the messages. They were replies from the colleges, and each one was a rejection.

"Oh Marie," She began but the young woman found her voice.

"What am I going to do?" she almost wailed, "I had it all planned out. College, then a job with a corporation if I didn't decide to go back to Minbar. I knew where my life was going, and now they've stopped me before I've even begun."

"You could appeal." Susan suggested.

"That wouldn't work. They've already decided; an appeal isn't going to be any good. It's because I've been living on Minbar I bet. They still don't trust them. It's not what they've written, but that's what it means."

Susan studied the messages. It was true, they all had very reasonable excuses like 'no recognised qualifications', but what it boiled down to was, 'you've turned your back on Earth.' She looked again at Marie, trying to find something comforting to say, but could think of nothing. The young woman was a picture of naive despair. All her hopes and dreams had come crashing down, destroyed by a few executives that didn't know her. If they had met Marie, they would know her to be resourceful, intelligent and selfless.

Here was someone who had twice lost everything and had to rebuild her life. Most people would have given up, pretty much as Susan herself had done, but Marie had embraced the challenge and gone out into the universe to grasp at its wealth of opportunities. She had a hunger for life that had shone in her eyes as she talked about the future; a spark of enthusiasm that could so easily be extinguished.

Anger began to simmer inside Susan. How dare they! How dare they crush Marie! How dare they decide for her! She was trying to create a better life for herself and those around her, and she was willing to work for it. She wasn't asking for a hand out, just a chance to prove herself. Life would provide enough obstacles without those created by arrogant desk bound professors.

In the space of five seconds, Susan had formed a plan. She was going to get Marie that chance to prove herself.

"Which of the colleges do you want to get into most?" She asked.

Marie stared incomprehensibly for a few moments.

"John Carter College, here on Mars. Why?"

"We are going to pay them a visit."

Marie looked at Susan as if she had just suggested that they visit the Vorlon homeworld.

"You can't! They've already said that I haven't got a place."

"Then we shall make them change their minds." Susan announced. Marie stared at her unbelievingly. Susan continued, "You have been living with the Minbari too long Marie. Humans do not have quite the same sense of duty and honour as they have. The first thing you will learn in this big, bad galaxy is that sometimes to get what you want, you have to fight."

To be continued…