Part 9
For three days Susan did not sleep. She had tried, but even on the flat bed that had been provided for her, slumber would not come. She took to pacing the corridors of the Whitestar, quietly padding like a wraith around the ship. Occasionally she would stop at the bridge, stand staring blankly out into hyperspace for an hour; maybe two, then continue her rounds. The longer serving Rangers knew not to disturb her and the others soon learnt the same.
Plan after plan had been formed in her head, but Susan had no idea what would be awaiting them. She had acted on gut instinct when she had received the news and so was unprepared. Some reports had been directed their way, but the gathered information was sketchy at best; conflicting most often.
On exiting hyperspace just outside the disputed system, Susan immediately shuttled across to the Titans. Her former ship had arrived a few hours earlier and had been conducting scans of the area. Space was quiet as the firefights, which had begun the war, had burnt themselves out and Susan surmised that the two sides were formulating their next moves. Corwin had also determined the last known point of Marie's ship and its likely landing spot on the planet it had been in orbit of. It was decided not to draw attention to themselves by approaching in the Warlock or the Whitestar, but to send in a number of Starfuries and Minbari fighters who could spread out and search the area in less time.
An hour later, Ivanova was strapped into Corwin's Starfury, five volunteer pilots awaiting her command to launch and eight Rangers holding formation in the area between the two ships.
Ivanova toggled the last few switches and opened a channel to the Titan's bridge, "This is Alpha leader requesting permission to launch."
"Clear to launch Alpha leader," Corwin answered. For a moment time slipped back nearly twenty years to Babylon 5; Commander requesting permission from Lieutenant. It had been so long yet some things did not change. "Good luck General." Corwin's addition reminded Susan just how unusual and very unofficial their mission was.
"Thank you Captain." Susan did not know what she would have done if David had not been there. There was no one else in Earthforce who would risk their ship and crew at her request. The Rangers dared not send any more Whitestars in fear of appearing un-neutral, so they needed the firepower of the Titans if they had to fight their way out.
Ivanova ordered the other Starfuries,
"Alpha wing Launch!"
As the acceleration pushed her back into her restraints, her heart thumped a little faster and Susan felt once more the thrill of space beneath her feet. Her soul was a space bird, born to fly free in vacuum. Why had she allowed herself to be fettered to a desk?
She allowed herself a moment's indulgence before setting her mind to the task at hand. Marie.
"All ships report in." Ivanova took note of the positions of the vessels as they stated their designations. They had formed up behind her ready to enter the hostile zone, Starfuries and Minbari fighters integrating with out a single word being broadcast.
"OK people," Ivanova signalled, "Keep a heads up for enemy craft. Follow me in."
She activated her burners and headed the mixed group of ships towards the seemingly deserted planet.
They maintained radio silence during the passage across the system until they had established a low orbit, at which point Ivanova allocated each ship a sector of the surface to search. They would have a recorded message broadcasting on all frequencies, and scanners directed fully at the planet to pick up any signal, voice or beacon. Ivanova herself would remain in orbit to co-ordinate the search and contact the Whitestar for an extraction when they found the downed ship with Marie and Ian. When, not if. Ivanova refused to allow the possibility that she would not find them to enter her mind. She had to stay alert, as hers were the only scanners directed away from the planet ready to warn them of approaching ships. She could not afford the luxury of emotion yet.
For three hours they searched and it seemed that they had covered only a fraction of the area. Ivanova dared not spread the fighters further apart. The coverage must be complete; they must miss nothing. She listened to the hiss of the radio, straining to hear the faintest of signals, willing there to be something. Anything. One by one, the ships completed their searches and reported back to Alpha Leader. Ivanova assigned them all new areas, and the search continued.
Eventually, they would have to return to the Titans for refuelling and rest, resuming the search later. But for how long?
John and Delenn had not hesitated to send help from Minbar, and Ivanova knew enough of the right people in EarthGov to ensure that there would not be court-martials waiting for them, but she only had a few days grace. The politics of the situation would demand that they be recalled the moment they were discovered or she would risk an interstellar incident. An official request could be submitted to the local government for a search, but they all knew that the innocent were the first victims in a war.
Silence. That was all they found. No signal, no beacon, no wreckage. There wasn't a single piece of evidence that a ship had crashed anywhere on the planet. Ivanova knew that their information was not wrong. Marie had to be there somewhere.
Bleep.
Ivanova looked up at her display. A ship had appeared on the scanner.
Bleep. Bleep.
"Computer. Identify."
"Jitarbi fighters."
Great. That was one of the races involved in the conflict.
"Heading?"
"Intercept."
Damn! They'd been spotted.
Bleep. Bleep.
Five. It only took one to signal for help. Time for them to leave. Ivanova gave the order, holding her feelings of betrayal firmly in check as she spoke the words.
"Alpha wing, this is Alpha Leader. Break off search and return to base. I repeat; break off and return to base."
Immediately, the small ships turned and burned their way out of the atmosphere. Within a few minutes they were at full speed heading away from the planet and the incoming fighters. It was a situation that went against everything Ivanova believed in and she knew the Rangers felt the same way.
As they retreated, Susan silently sent a message out into the ether. 'I am not giving up on you Marie. I will return, I promise.'
When they docked, it was clear that everyone felt the failure. The bridge officer gave them clearance with out a 'welcome back' and the fighter support crews set about their work in silence.
Ivanova climbed wearily from her Starfury, but could move no further. With one hand against the ship for support, she numbly accepted the condolences and apologies from the other pilots. Then into her view came Corwin.
"Susan."
He said nothing more. Susan looked at the face of her friend, and all the barriers that she had held in place with desperate hope began to crumble. She hid her face in her hand, not trusting herself to speak. David waited patiently until she once more looked up, tears already beginning to flow.
"I failed her David." Was all she was able to say before her voice cracked.
Captain held out hand to General. Susan took the offered support of her friend and once in the privacy of David's office, she released all check on her feelings and cried. She cried from frustration, from failure, from grief. She cried until she felt she felt she had washed out her soul.
When she finally looked up, Susan found David still sitting there with her.
"Thank you." She said.
"For what?"
"For not saying anything."
"There was nothing I could have said."
Susan smiled then, an action that surprised even her.
"Did you find anything out there?" David enquired.
"Nothing. That's what so strange. There should have been something; debris, an exhaust trail, something. Are you sure we had the right planet?"
"Positive."
"Then something is very wrong here." Susan pressed the heel of her hand into her eyes and shook her head. "But I can't do anything about it. They're out there somewhere David, and I can't get to them."
"If there is a way to survive, Marie will find it. Remember Susan, she was trained by the best."
Susan nodded. She was glad David was there to remind her of those facts. She was feeling so lost that it was a relief to have anything to hold on to.
"What do we do now?" David asked.
Susan sighed, "I was going to ask you that, because as of this moment in time, I have no idea. I suppose I should go back to Earth. Ian's family will need to be told."
"The Titans is at your service."
Susan shook her head, "Thank you David, but I will not risk you or your crew further. You have already done more than you should. The Whitestar is expecting me."
"Then I shall order a shuttle to be prepared."
OoOoO
On Susan's return to the Whitestar, she found a communication waiting for her from Minbar. John passed on messages of condolence from Delenn and the Rangers and then brought her up to speed on the political front.
"I've just had a very irate ambassador in my office complaining about unauthorised ships in their space. I managed to placate him, after a little persuasion, and he is not going to make a formal objection, for now. You have nothing to worry about over this incident, but because of this damn diplomacy any future excursions, even unofficial ones, must be strictly curtailed.
"I'm asking you as a friend Susan, please don't go after Marie until this war is over. The Alliance is doing everything it can to find a solution, and any action you take may endanger thousands of lives. As soon as we are able, we shall mount an official search, but until that time, I must ask you to be patient."
John sighed in frustration.
"I know just how you feel Susan. I want to shoot them between their smug eyes when they won't let us send even one ship in. It's a good job they don't let me have a PPG anymore, or I would have done just that. Delenn is talking to them now. If anyone can sweet-talk them onto our side, it's her.
"We'll let you know the moment anything happens. Until then, keep yourself well, and we expect you to visit sometime."
The return journey began and once more Susan was unable to sleep. This time it was not worry that robbed her of rest, but the emptiness of her heart. Pain she could cope with; her heart had been broken so many times before she could just close herself to it. This was worse, the nothingness. There was nothing she could feel, so there was nothing to shut out.
Was this how a mother felt? Certainly there was a chasm now in Susan's life. She could see nothing in the coming days, where before it had been so clear; all the plans and dreams.
Marie's plans. Marie's dreams.
It had all been hers. Nothing had been Susan's, and now that was all she had.
Not wanting to be among others yet, Susan avoided the bridge and instead made her way to the ship's chapel. Little more than a meditation room, the space was set out in typical Minbari style. There was an altar and seating for a maximum of six people, although Susan had never seen more than two Rangers at a time within its confines. She went there for the silence, knowing that it was the one place she would be guaranteed to not be disturbed.
She hesitated on the threshold. There was someone already there, a Minbari Ranger, meditating with their back towards the entrance. Susan turned to leave, she would return later.
"Please do not go on my account." The Minbari lifted his head, but did not look at Susan. "If you wish to be alone, honoured Ni'fa, then I shall resume my prayers at another time."
Ni'fa. That was an honorary title. Susan had heard it only when referring to female clan leaders. She understood that it translated as 'Our Mother'.
"Why did you call me that?" she stepped inside the chapel and approached the Minbari, still facing away from her.
"It is what she named you. I call you that now because she was my sister in the Anla'shok; sister to us all."
"I don't deserve it."
"She named you Ni'fa. I use the title in memory of her, and in respect to you, General Ivanova."
Only then did he turn and bow to her.
"Do you wish to be alone, honoured Ni'fa?" the enquiry was repeated.
Susan glanced at the items arranged on the floor in front of the Minbari; a candle, some incense and a photo. It was of Marie.
"But you are performing Ish'ara." Susan stammered slightly as she recognised the ritual for a departed soul. "I cannot ask you to stop."
"Then you are welcome to join me."
He indicated for her to sit.
"I am not familiar with your ways," she began to apologise.
"That is not required."
Susan settled herself on the floor.
"Who are you?" she asked, curious as Ish'ara was traditionally performed by a family member. This Minbari had obviously been a friend of Marie's, yet Susan did not recognise him.
"I am Sennal. I trained with Marie."
Susan nodded, "She has spoken of you often."
Sennal bowed again, then resumed the meditation position. Again Susan's curiosity got the better of her.
"Do you think she is dead?"
The Minbari's eyes remained closed as he explained.
"Ish'ara is a prayer for a soul, not necessarily one that has passed beyond. I pray that Marie's will be kept from harm and eventually guided home. Which home it will choose, no one knows. Ish'ara is also a time for remembering and delighting in the moments of joy they have given us, and understanding the times of sadness. It is these moments that help shape what we are because all our lives are intertwined.
"Remember her please, honoured Ni'fa, and I will pray for us both."
He lapsed into silence. Susan watched for a while, before doing as Sennal suggested and began to remember Marie, beginning at their almost disastrous first meeting. As she remembered, Susan marvelled at Marie's determination to live life to the full. Despite her many personal tragedies, or perhaps because of them, she never gave up. She may not have chosen the most reckless paths, but she always went forwards. How she managed to find the strength that Susan herself had often lacked was probably down to her beliefs. Her faith was unshakable and wherever she was now, it would keep her moving onwards.
Susan found herself praying. At first the words were unformed, then she began to recite the words she learnt in her own childhood.
Sennal glanced sideways at the sound of Hebrew chanting, then with a satisfied smile returned to his own prayers.
When Susan woke, she was surprised to find she had been asleep. Cursing in Russian, she disentangled her cramped limbs and sat up. She was still in the chapel, and Sennal was still meditating.
"Have you been there all night?" She rolled her shoulders, feeling her neck muscles click. For a fleeting moment, she wondered if she was getting too old to sleep rough.
"I have been praying for two days."
"Two days!" Susan jumped up. "How close are we to Earth?"
"There are yet three hours before we leave hyperspace. Please eat something. I had these prepared for you." He held out a tray on which there was a variety of food.
Susan took the tray with a bow and began to seriously demolish the dishes. With the search, worry and praying, she genuinely could not remember the last time she had eaten.
"I'm sorry I fell asleep." She mumbled.
"Do not apologise. It was what your soul required."
One eyebrow raised, Susan studied Sennal.
"Are you always this spiritual?" She asked.
"I was until I met Marie."
Susan nodded. She could understand that.
OoOoO
A memorial service was held a week later. It had been organised on the request of Ian's family, but they had asked her to speak. It was the hardest thing she had ever done and once the formalities were finished Susan had escaped back to her own apartment.
Closing the door on the world, Susan tore off her dress uniform and pored herself a vodka. Damn them all. They all considered them dead, and had given up all thought of finding them. She was not going to give up.
"They're not dead. They're not dead." Her chant crescendoed as she finally let her frustration and anger free. They wouldn't be dead until she found their ship and their bodies. She was not ready to say goodbye.
Susan walked around the couple's room. It still smelt of them and held almost all of their possessions. Susan was loathed to disturb anything, but she supposed she should let Ian's family take what they wanted.
Susan stopped next to the bed. On the dresser, Marie had placed two photos; her adoptive parents. Susan's was quite recent, but the other was twenty years old. She picked it up and gazed at the face of the Ranger. He was grinning his endearingly boyish grin with his dark hair falling into his eyes. She wondered if he would still be this handsome if he had lived?
"I'm sorry." She said to the photo. "I'm sorry I couldn't keep her safe for you. I tried to get her back, I really tried. Can you forgive me?"
Susan sat late into the night, draining one vodka after another and talking to the photo. Telling the man who had saved her, everything she could think of about his daughter.
OoOoO
Life without Marie was not as hard as Susan had feared, but it was still empty. She continued her duties because she had nothing else. When Delenn offered her the Rangers, she accepted with very few qualms, as perhaps with a new start, she would find a purpose again. She certainly found a new family. At first it was the older Minbari Rangers, but soon everyone had dispensed with her official title of Anla'shok Na, and called her nothing other than Ni'fa. Susan suspected Sennal was responsible.
Four months after arriving at Tuzanor, Susan fell ill. It began as a cold brought on by a winter harsher than Earth's, but despite the assurances of the doctors, developed into a rare virus. All treatments were tried, but Susan did not respond. Days became weeks and she drifted further from reality. Delenn, concerned that after everything she had finally given up on life, requested Stephen to travel from Earth.
As their clan Mother became weaker, so the Rangers prayed harder, rituals of all races practiced within the compound. Susan was unaware of the gloom that had descended outside her room, outside her bed.
She was sleeping among clouds, where it was warm and it didn't hurt. When she woke, it was to coughing and pain, so she preferred to sleep. She knew Delenn and her Rangers were worried, but they had no need to be. She had tried to tell them that she was more comfortable sleeping, but they did not understand.
Sleep. Yes, she wanted to remain asleep. That was when she had visitors. The friends she had said goodbye to, and her family. Here they met again; Mama, Papa and Ganya. She was meant to be with her family.
But however much she hoped and searched, there were two faces she never saw. The two people most dearest to her heart were not there to welcome her. Where was Marie?
And where was Marcus.
She had to find them. She would remain here until she did.
Here where it was warm and it didn't hurt.
Time was meaningless, so she did not know when she heard the voice. It was a long way away, but she knew it. Marie.
She called to the voice, and it called back, guiding her. She followed its call but the voice remained distant.
Up. That was where the voice was, above the clouds. She went up, higher, until it hurt, until she couldn't breathe.
Still she went higher.
"Marie!" Susan called. How much further did she have to go?
"I am here Susan." The voice was so close.
"Is Marcus with you?" The pain made it difficult to speak.
"No Ni'fa. It is not yet time to join him. I have someone who would like to meet you."
Susan felt a weight placed on her body; a small hand grasping her finger.
"This is William. Your Grandson."
Grandson?
Susan struggled up through the last of the cloud. She opened her eyes and looked down at a baby lying in her arms. He smiled at her and Susan smiled back.
Susan then noticed the crowd around her bed. Various Minbari healers, Stephen and Delenn, both wiping tears from their eyes. Ian, looking a little underfed was standing near the door, but sitting next to her on the bed was the one she had searched for.
"Marie?" Susan dared not hope. "You're alive?"
"Yes Ni'fa," Marie answered through her tears of joy and relief, "We're alive."
OoOoO
That was the point that Susan's recovery began. With the return of Marie and a Grandchild, she regained a purpose in life, a reason to get well.
The rescue of Marie and Ian was never explained satisfactorily. The war in the system had been resolved after two years and the first Whitestar allowed in on patrol immediately picked up a distress beacon. Marie said she had been broadcasting ever since they had crashed and although the radio was undamaged, they had received no signal until the rescue. Delenn called it one of the mysteries of the universe and left it at that. Susan was happy to agree, as Marie and Ian decided to live permanently on Minbar.
It was a long time before Susan regained her full strength. Many visitors kept her in bed for the first week, but then she was allowed up for a little longer each day. Stephen would watch her like a hawk and at the first sign of fatigue would order her back to her room. This of course only made Susan more determined to be up and working.
Eventually a compromise was worked out. Susan would be allowed to resume the duties of Anla'shok Na, if she rested in the evenings. This she did, taking paperwork to her bed.
Marie began bringing William to Susan in the evenings, and soon the routine turned into story-time. A nightly tale that became a part of their lives for five years, first just Susan and William but joined in due course by her Granddaughter, Sofie.
OoOoO
"And they all lived happily ever after." Susan finished the tale and closed the book. "Time to go to bed now."
William kissed his Grandmother and climbed out of the bed.
"Come on Sofie!" he shouted.
The little girl was snuggled down under the covers, pretending to be asleep.
"Go away." She called. "I'm the Princess."
William grinned, "Well I shall have to kiss you!"
He lunged at his sister who squealed loudly and scrambled out of reach.
"Stop it you two." Susan laughed. "Go to bed."
They calmed down and William ran from the room. Sofie though marched around the four-poster bed, closing the curtains.
"What are you doing?" Susan asked.
"I'm shutting you in with a forest." The three year old declared, "Like the Princess."
Susan studied her bed. It had been a gift from Emperor Vir when she had first come to Minbar and with its green patterned drapes and wood carved into vines, it certainly gave the impression of a forest. Sofie pulled the last curtain closed, then remembered her good night kiss and opened it again.
Eventually, Susan was alone and she spent some time reviewing their budget for the coming year before settling down to sleep. She dreamt she was a Princess in a castle, but the bed was her own. She felt in her dream, someone creeping up to her bed, a hand reached out and drew back the material.
Susan was awake in an instant, her PPG that was always kept under her pillow, aimed directly at the intruder by her bed. It was an alien of a race she had seen only once before but everyone on Minbar feared. A soul hunter.
"Who have you come for?" She demanded.
"I come to see you, Susan Ivanova."
To be continued..