I'd like to take a moment to inform my readers of the developments of this story. Just so you know, I'll spend each chapter making fun of at least two games from now on, but every chapter will hold the basic humors of most RPGs each time. (The first chapter was just an introductory chapter, btw) With that in mind, read on...
After our unsuccessful attempts to find Julio and Zan, we set out to the closest town on our map, which was a little village in Alenovian territory. It was mostly open plain all the way there, save for the border gate. We strolled on down, Hagmore in the lead, not really doing much except for talking. The conversation was mostly on random topics, like the time we were filming for a home movie when we discovered the time lapse control, and started doing all sorts of crazy things, like multiple fight scenes, and then Hagmore -
Krrsh-krshhh!
That was about when we got attacked by EvlDemons. Four of 'em. I waited patiently for the stupid camera to stop panning all over the place and settle on one spot so we could start the battle. They got the jump on us, so we had to wait for the time bars to fill...which I always hate because it purposely goes slower than usual...
Anyway, the first Demon attacked Alexander, who took some pretty deadly damage. The second used a PowrUP spell on itself, and the third cast UnHoly on us. I was fine, but the others took varying amounts of damage. Alexander was now in critical, and Sifian was almost there, too. The others were all at about half their normal HP. The fourth Demon attacked Hagmore, but he blocked it with his sword.
Me and Cat attacked almost simultaneously. I went for the one than had cast PowrUP, and Cat attacked the first one. I finished mine off with two consecutive hits from the wakazashi, and Cat left hers in the red. Sifian turned his quarterstaff into a trident and stabbed the weakened one to death. Ari supplied Sifian with a Hi-potion, and Alexander cast Cure 3 on everyone. Hagmore charged the third Demon and wailed on it with his Avenger, killing it. The fourth Demon was left alone.
We all got ready to attack, ready to finish the fight. That was when it called on reinforcements. Six new EvlDemons showed up, all ready to cook our asses. We stared in shock at these new numbers.
"Did we save?" I asked quietly, maintaining a calm composure.
"Uhh...I don't think so..." Hagmore managed to get out. I nodded to myself.
Three of the new Demons combined their strength into a forth, which powered up by drawing darkness into itself. After a moment, it raised one clawed hand and an enormous ball of dark energy began to grow. With that, it pointed at us with a growled, "Dark Flare!"
The resulting explosion that followed was rather painful-looking. I personally didn't feel a thing, thanks to my coat, but the others were trashed. Alexander was wiped out first, quickly followed by Hagmore - he is a Paladin, after all. Cat fell after them, and Sifian and Ari were the last. I was left standing alone.
"Fuck."
The other three Demons closed in on me, and I pulled out my dagger. In a blur, I stabbed them all once, and the Venom quickly took over. I darted towards the other four and had to stab one twice to get the Venom to kick in. I was left waiting for my next turn.
The first cast UnHoly on me again, which did nothing. But monsters always do that when you're in this kind of situation. The second swung at me with a huge, clawed hand, and I barely avoided it. What I hadn't counted on was its second attack. This one tore me apart. I knew I should have worn better armor, but no, I was getting cocky because I could never be hit...I went sprawling and lay flat on my face. My chest hurt...my head was pounding...panic and chaos ran through my brain like wildfire...I painfully waited for the end.
Nothing came.
After a moment, I opened my eyes, expecting to see the 'Game Over' sign. Instead, I saw something that amazed me. The three remaining Demons were bowing to someone who was approaching. My vision failed and blurred for a moment, and when It cleared, someone was standing in front of me. I tried to focus when a voice said to me, "Well, well, well. If it isn't a group of wandering heroes with good intents. Why am I not surprised? You king of people always try to kill my Demons."
I finally focused and saw who the person in front of me was. It was a girl, probably not much older than me, with straight brown hair and bangs. She wore rather skimpy and skintight clothing, and she looked fairly evil. A pair of ninja swords hung at her sides. "But they always fail," she continued in a mocking tone, "just like you people. I'm impressed you managed to kill even one of them, much less eight. But they reproduce like rabbits, so I'm hardly worried." She seemed to be sizing me up. "You're a scrawny fellow. I'm not surprised you almost died with one hit. Weaklings like you shouldn't even be out here."
I wanted to respond, but I barely had the energy to keep my eyes open. So I shut up.
"Well, how should I kill you?" She continued lazily. "You've left me with a variety of options. I could torture you, feed you to my pets, hang you upside-down for a few days...so many choices, so little time."
"Who...are...you?" I managed to get out. She gave a coy look.
"What should that matter to you? You'll be dead in a moment anyway. Well, I guess the last thing I can tell you is my name. I am Seniana. Take that with you on your trip to Hell." Her ninja swords were suddenly in her hands, and she prepared the deathblow. I closed my eyes and waited calmly.
Again, nothing. I looked at her, and saw that a small, flying demonish thing was flapping incessantly by her. She was looking at a small piece of paper. She glanced at me and smiled.
"Well, you got lucky," Seniana said with a smile. "I've called back by my boss. But don't get too thrilled; I'll be back in ten minutes, at least. Bye-bye." With that, she created a portal and stepped through it.
I wasted no time. With ten minutes counting down in my head (and at the top corner of the screen) I crawled over to the closest of the others, who was Alexander. I used a Fenix Down on him, and soon everyone was back on their feet.
After we were all healed up, Cat turned to me. "So what happened to you? Did you fight off the rest of them by yourself?"
"Sort of. I kinda got screwed over by the EvlDemons, but then this lady appeared, and she said some crap about killing people, all well and good, and then she left, but..." I trailed off as a portal reappeared where the last one had been. Seniana stepped through, looking a little pissed.
"That goddam bitch, who does she think she is? I'm not her little puppet, I have my own agenda! I can't just drop everything and leave!" That's when she noticed us. Then she got really pissed. "What the hell? I thought you were incapacitated!"
"Yeah, well, it just sucks to be you." Now that I was healed, it was back to the old cocky me. And that just threw her over the edge. She pointed at us and shouted, "Flame tech!" A burst of fire shot towards us, but Alexander cast Shell, which lowered the damage to minimal. Hagmore rushed her with his sword, but he couldn't lay a finger on her - she was just too damn fast. He used a sword tech, but she blocked it with a Dark Shield. Sifian tried to double-team her with Hagmore, but she made them look like bumbling fools.
"Hey," Alexander started. "I think I just learned a new summon. Should I try it on her?"
"Whatever works."
"Alright, then." The sky went dark as several multi-colored ovals with kanji on them were drawn into him. He pointed towards the sky and shouted, "Summon Vose!"
Somewhere in Nevada...
A white pick-up is driving across the desert. "Huh? Someone call my name?"
Anyway...
"Nothing's happening."
"Give him some time!" Alexander fretted. "He might be doing something!"
"Whatever...I wouldn't count on it." With that, I entered the carnage.
Seniana was running circles around Hagmore and Sifian. Ari was standing helplessly by, unable to get a clear shot in. Cat had been hit by Hagmore's rather large sword, and was rubbing her head and giving him evil looks. Since I figured she would have immunity to Venom (all bosses do), I drew my wakazashi.
Finally seeing a chance to use some of my special skills, I paused for a moment to select a good one. Then the fun began.
"Image Splice!" With that, six images of me all flew out and converged upon Seniana. She did a double take and tried to fend them all off; but they were all harmless. Just a distraction. When her back was turned, I ran in and attacked.
The first hit was a critical blow. Seniana went sprawling as the damage was calculated. The second came as she was standing up. I hit her in the side, actually launching her into the air - another critical. I jumped after her, prepared to strike the third attack, but in midair she twisted and kicked me in the face - an unexpected counter attack. I hit the ground hard. As I rubbed my head, I muttered, "Where's the damn red boxes when you need them...?" I got back on my feet.
The battle raged on - as well as any turn-based system could rage. Despite the fact that there were six of us and just one of her, Seniana was doing some serious ass whooping. Probably because she got about six turns for every one of ours.
Hagmore went up to attack. He did a sword thrust, followed by two swings, then spun and hit her again. However, instead of continuing the attack, he jumped back to his original position. I stared at him. "Why didn't you continue attacking? What was up with that?"
"Didn't you see?" Hagmore said, watching her intently. "I missed the fifth box, so I couldn't finish the Addition."
I just stared at him. "Am I the only one who finds something wrong, here?" Just then, Seniana jumped foreword and attacked the Cardinal. Despite all the time he had to defend the attack, he simply stood there and let her hit him.
"Ow," he said, picking himself up. "That really hurt."
"Once again...why did you let her hit you, then?"
"Well, duh. It's not like I can just dodge her attack. My evade percentage is so low, and her hit percentage is really high! There's no way I could have avoided it!"
I rolled my eyes and slapped a hand to my head. "What did I do to deserve this?"
As I was wallowing in self-pity, Cat ran up and attacked. She jumped back, and there was a pause, followed by Seniana suddenly doubling over, clutching her side. "Don't think you've won," she said. "I'll be back!" With that, she teleported out, leaving a large bag of gold and another labeled 'EXP'. These were collected.
"You know, she said not to think we've won, but isn't this a victory?" I said to my self, not expecting an answer.
"This is an empty victory until we can discover the true evil behind her intentions..." Hagmore said dramatically, staring into the sunset. Everyone else stared with him, while I beat myself on the head. As I sat down on the ground, another thought came to mind.
"I don't want to spoil the plot line, but did anyone else notice Seniana looks amazingly like Catriana?" No one heard. "Never mind."
With the spoils collected, we headed out to our original destination, that one town that we didn't know the name of until we entered. I glanced down at the words that appeared at the bottom of the screen. "Draobdrac, huh. What a dumb name for a town."
We strolled in. Hagmore turned and addressed us. "Well, everyone, I guess we should split up. Ari and Sifian, you two go find the mayor or whoever he is and find our next subquest. Cat and Alexander, you two go collect information. I'll go find an inn and seek out the shops." He looked around. "Where'd Heath go?"
"Right here."
"Well, I'm sure he's around here somewhere," Ari said. "He'll show up eventually." But Hagmore was getting a suspicious look on his face.
"Well," he finished, "I guess it can't be helped. Let's go." With that, they all headed out. I was left holding the map. There was a very long pause. "Whatever," I muttered.
Draobdrac was a very stupid town. There was no activity, no interesting mystic items, no ancient legends, nothing good at all. Even the shops sold stupid stuff. I hated it. I kicked a barrel over and broke it with my foot. Even the barrels made a stupid sound when they broke. There was nothing in the barrel. Even more stupid. It was so stupid I wanted to repeatedly bash my head against a wall, but was afraid the sound of that would be even worse than that of the barrel. The people were boring and had no idea about anything. Stupid. They wouldn't talk about anything different, even if the world was falling apart, they would still say, 'I like the play rollerball!' or 'I just bought a blue jar!' or 'I hate my life and wish to kill myself!' No important event could change what they said.
With all that in mind, I decided to go kill myself, but then I realized I couldn't because you can't target your own party members in this game.
Damn.
...
...what the hell. Continuing the story...
I decided not to stay in on one screen for more than five seconds, for fear that the boringness would rub off on me. I located the inn and hid in there. Townspeople never go into an inn unless something important is happening. I was sitting in a chair, trying to ignore the boringness of the walls, when Hagmore strolled in. He looked right at me and walked past to the innkeeper. After asking him a few basic questions, to which he got the same answer every time ('One night is 300 GP. Would you like to stay? -YES -NO.'), he somehow figured out where everything was. He turned and walked out, still not noticing me. As he was walking out, he misjudged which way the inn screen was facing as compared to the outside screen, and ended up walking right back in. He stared blankly for a moment; he glanced at me and did a double take.
"YOU!" he shouted. "What are you doing here? How did you get here before us?"
"I didn't. I was with you the whole time."
"HA! A likely story!" He took a dramatic pose. "I knew this from the start, from the very first time I saw you!" He pointed. "You're a spy, aren't you?!"
"No."
"I knew it!" He threw back his head and laughed. "Now I'm definitely the main character! I just figured out who the traitor was! Julio can't stand up to my power now!"
"The main character never figures that kind of stuff out until one of the lesser characters points it out to him."
Hagmore grinned happily. "Now I have to go find him and show him who's the master here!" With that, he turned and ran out, taking the dramatic music with him. I just sat there, not really doing anything. About twenty minutes past before Hagmore returned, huffing and puffing. "I forgot we don't know where he is," he admitted. With that, he sat down and waited. It wasn't long before the others found their way to the inn. With that, we just hung out, Hagmore's accusation of my traitorism forgotten already.
The next day came...
After a boring rest at the boring town, complete with extra-boring rest muzac, we left and continued to our next destination. Wherever that was. But considering the world is made conveniently to force us to go in one certain direction, it wasn't hard to figure out which way to go.
We ended up in a mountain again. Joy. We began our climb, entering the first cave that was conveniently cut out just like a tunnel. The first thing I saw was a giant yeti just standing there. As we got closer, I realized it was standing next to a switch. When we got too close, however, it finally noticed us and came charging at us. The battle ensued.
"Why am I not in this fight...?"
"Because you aren't in the active party! And neither is Sifian."
"Sucks to be us..." We were suddenly standing on the opposite side we had originally been on, now next to that switch. And there were now three yetis. "I guess we can't let them throw the switch, then? So why didn't they do that before we got on this side of them...?"
"Here we go!" Hagmore suddenly shouted.
"Oh, goodie," Alexander said.
With that, the battle really began. Both sides ran towards each other, now in a full active-time battle system. Hagmore and Cat charged as Ari shot at them, and Alexander used his mighty white magic. The three yetis ignored them, slowly advancing towards the switch.
"You know, I could easily just walk up and block them from getting to it...but no, I'm not in the active party...when am I ever in the active party? And why the hell can't I fight? Its not there's anything that's going to stop me."
The fight continued. I contemplated homicide. Sifian just sat there, playing the role of an inactive character well. One of the yetis died and the second was getting the hell beat out of it. But the third was slowly advancing towards the switch, with only Alexander blocking its path. "We are now officially screwed."
Alexander simply watched the yeti advance. He looked at his staff. He looked at the yeti. "Oh, what the hell." With that, he walked up and swung his arm at the yeti. I expected zero damage at most. Instead, the yeti was cleaved in half. Alexander nodded to himself and sat back as I stared.
"How...? How...?" The question was never finished, and, therefore, never answered. I just kept staring and pointing, but never got anything out. The experience was dished out and we continued on.
After several more odd battles like those before, we came across the wonderfully accented save point. These things are always put where there is no way in hell that you could ever miss them. So of course we skipped it. We came across a bridge, which got its own screen, which means...plot time!
There was a big flash of light, and a big machine thing was just kinda there all of a sudden. Don't ask how it got there, because I don't know. "Ha ha ha!" it 'said' it it's machiney voice. "Now you will meet your doom! For I will destroy you!"
"And just who are you?" Hagmore challenged.
It gave a dramatic pause. "There are those who call me...Plot Device C."
There was a deathly silence, the only sound being that of me slamming my head against my fist as hard as I could. "If you're Plot Device C," I moaned, holding my head with the same hand, "then where the hell are Plot Devices A and B?"
"That is of no importance to you!" it said very quickly. "What's important is demises! Or, more appropriately, yours!" With that, the battle started up.
"How the hell did I get in the active party? Wasn't I just not in the active party?"
"Heath! Glad you could join us!"
"Oi..."
The camera panned, as always. "This looks tough," Hagmore said.
"Be careful," Cat warned. Like we needed to be reminded.
As it turned out, though, we did. Plot Device C's first attack was on Alexander, putting him in critical. Cat managed to stop his onslaught long enough for me and Hagmore (No, no, no, it would be 'Hagmore and I') to join her. We then started beating the Christ out of the bitch. Then came his second form, in which he got a lot more in all his stats. Each attack started taking off 2000+, and he could get off several at once. He killed Hagmore, the one of us with the most defense and HP, in three hits. "Uuwaaa..." he moaned as he 'fainted'. He then hit me twice, putting me at critical. "Man, what a low way to go..." Next shot killed me. "Damn."
As Plot Device C started killing Cat, Alexander suddenly started a summon, of all things. As Cat 'fainted' and PDC came for him, he raised his hand. "Summon..." he got cut off as he got hit, but the spell had already been cast. "...Author..." he whispered as he died.
GAME OVER
"Aw, man, that sucks. Now I gotta go way back and start over from the beginning of Part 2...well, I guess now I can include all those jokes I wanted to put in. This might not be so bad..."
NEW GAME
- CONTINUE
SELECT MEMORY CARD
- SLOT 1
SLOT 2
LOADING...PLEASE WAIT
After our unsuccessful attempts to find Julio and Zan, we set out to the closest town on our map, which was a little village in Alenovian territory. It was mostly open plain all the way there, save for the border gate. We strolled on down, Hagmore in the lead, not really doing much except for talking. The conversation was mostly on random topics, like the time we were filming for a home movie when we discovered the time lapse control, and started doing all sorts of crazy things, like multiple fight scenes, and then Hagmore -
Krrsh-krshhh!
That was about when we got attacked by EvlDemons. Four of 'em. I waited patiently for the stupid camera to stop panning all over the place and settle on one spot so we could start the battle. They got the jump on us, so we had to wait for the time bars to fill...which I always hate because it purposely goes slower than usual...
Anyway, the first Demon attacked Alexander, who took some pretty deadly damage. The second used a PowrUP spell on itself, and the third cast UnHoly on us. I was fine, but the others took varying amounts of damage. Alexander was now in critical, and Sifian was almost there, too. The others were all at about half their normal HP. The fourth Demon attacked Hagmore, but he blocked it with his sword.
Me and Cat attacked almost simultaneously. I went for the one than had cast PowrUP, and Cat attacked the first one. I finished mine off with two consecutive hits from the wakazashi, and Cat left hers in the red. Sifian turned his quarterstaff into a trident and stabbed the weakened one to death. Ari supplied Sifian with a Hi-potion, and Alexander cast Cure 3 on everyone. Hagmore charged the third Demon and wailed on it with his Avenger, killing it. The fourth Demon was left alone.
We all got ready to attack, ready to finish the fight. That was when it called on reinforcements. Six new EvlDemons showed up, all ready to cook our asses. We stared in shock at these new numbers.
"Did we save?" I asked quietly, maintaining a calm composure.
"Uhh...I don't think so..." Hagmore managed to get out. I nodded to myself.
Three of the new Demons combined their strength into a forth, which powered up by drawing darkness into itself. After a moment, it raised one clawed hand and an enormous ball of dark energy began to grow. With that, it pointed at us with a growled, "Dark Flare!"
The resulting explosion that followed was rather painful-looking. I personally didn't feel a thing, thanks to my coat, but the others were trashed. Alexander was wiped out first, quickly followed by Hagmore - he is a Paladin, after all. Cat fell after them, and Sifian and Ari were the last. I was left standing alone.
"Fuck."
The other three Demons closed in on me, and I pulled out my dagger. In a blur, I stabbed them all once, and the Venom quickly took over. I darted towards the other four and had to stab one twice to get the Venom to kick in. I was left waiting for my next turn.
The first cast UnHoly on me again, which did nothing. But monsters always do that when you're in this kind of situation. The second swung at me with a huge, clawed hand, and I barely avoided it. What I hadn't counted on was its second attack. This one tore me apart. I knew I should have worn better armor, but no, I was getting cocky because I could never be hit...I went sprawling and lay flat on my face. My chest hurt...my head was pounding...panic and chaos ran through my brain like wildfire...I painfully waited for the end.
Nothing came.
After a moment, I opened my eyes, expecting to see the 'Game Over' sign. Instead, I saw something that amazed me. The three remaining Demons were bowing to someone who was approaching. My vision failed and blurred for a moment, and when It cleared, someone was standing in front of me. I tried to focus when a voice said to me, "Well, well, well. If it isn't a group of wandering heroes with good intents. Why am I not surprised? You king of people always try to kill my Demons."
I finally focused and saw who the person in front of me was. It was a girl, probably not much older than me, with straight brown hair and bangs. She wore rather skimpy and skintight clothing, and she looked fairly evil. A pair of ninja swords hung at her sides. "But they always fail," she continued in a mocking tone, "just like you people. I'm impressed you managed to kill even one of them, much less eight. But they reproduce like rabbits, so I'm hardly worried." She seemed to be sizing me up. "You're a scrawny fellow. I'm not surprised you almost died with one hit. Weaklings like you shouldn't even be out here."
I wanted to respond, but I barely had the energy to keep my eyes open. So I shut up.
"Well, how should I kill you?" She continued lazily. "You've left me with a variety of options. I could torture you, feed you to my pets, hang you upside-down for a few days...so many choices, so little time."
"Who...are...you?" I managed to get out. She gave a coy look.
"What should that matter to you? You'll be dead in a moment anyway. Well, I guess the last thing I can tell you is my name. I am Seniana. Take that with you on your trip to Hell." Her ninja swords were suddenly in her hands, and she prepared the deathblow. I closed my eyes and waited calmly.
Again, nothing. I looked at her, and saw that a small, flying demonish thing was flapping incessantly by her. She was looking at a small piece of paper. She glanced at me and smiled.
"Well, you got lucky," Seniana said with a smile. "I've called back by my boss. But don't get too thrilled; I'll be back in ten minutes, at least. Bye-bye." With that, she created a portal and stepped through it.
I wasted no time. With ten minutes counting down in my head (and at the top corner of the screen) I crawled over to the closest of the others, who was Alexander. I used a Fenix Down on him, and soon everyone was back on their feet.
After we were all healed up, Cat turned to me. "So what happened to you? Did you fight off the rest of them by yourself?"
"Sort of. I kinda got screwed over by the EvlDemons, but then this lady appeared, and she said some crap about killing people, all well and good, and then she left, but..." I trailed off as a portal reappeared where the last one had been. Seniana stepped through, looking a little pissed.
"That goddam bitch, who does she think she is? I'm not her little puppet, I have my own agenda! I can't just drop everything and leave!" That's when she noticed us. Then she got really pissed. "What the hell? I thought you were incapacitated!"
"Yeah, well, it just sucks to be you." Now that I was healed, it was back to the old cocky me. And that just threw her over the edge. She pointed at us and shouted, "Flame tech!" A burst of fire shot towards us, but Alexander cast Shell, which lowered the damage to minimal. Hagmore rushed her with his sword, but he couldn't lay a finger on her - she was just too damn fast. He used a sword tech, but she blocked it with a Dark Shield. Sifian tried to double-team her with Hagmore, but she made them look like bumbling fools.
"Hey," Alexander started. "I think I just learned a new summon. Should I try it on her?"
"Whatever works."
"Alright, then." The sky went dark as several multi-colored ovals with kanji on them were drawn into him. He pointed towards the sky and shouted, "Summon Vose!"
Somewhere in Nevada...
A white pick-up is driving across the desert. "Huh? Someone call my name?"
Anyway...
"Nothing's happening."
"Give him some time!" Alexander fretted. "He might be doing something!"
"Whatever...I wouldn't count on it." With that, I entered the carnage.
Seniana was running circles around Hagmore and Sifian. Ari was standing helplessly by, unable to get a clear shot in. Cat had been hit by Hagmore's rather large sword, and was rubbing her head and giving him evil looks. Since I figured she would have immunity to Venom (all bosses do), I drew my wakazashi.
Finally seeing a chance to use some of my special skills, I paused for a moment to select a good one. Then the fun began.
"Image Splice!" With that, six images of me all flew out and converged upon Seniana. She did a double take and tried to fend them all off; but they were all harmless. Just a distraction. When her back was turned, I ran in and attacked.
The first hit was a critical blow. Seniana went sprawling as the damage was calculated. The second came as she was standing up. I hit her in the side, actually launching her into the air - another critical. I jumped after her, prepared to strike the third attack, but in midair she twisted and kicked me in the face - an unexpected counter attack. I hit the ground hard. As I rubbed my head, I muttered, "Where's the damn red boxes when you need them...?" I got back on my feet.
The battle raged on - as well as any turn-based system could rage. Despite the fact that there were six of us and just one of her, Seniana was doing some serious ass whooping. Probably because she got about six turns for every one of ours.
Hagmore went up to attack. He did a sword thrust, followed by two swings, then spun and hit her again. However, instead of continuing the attack, he jumped back to his original position. I stared at him. "Why didn't you continue attacking? What was up with that?"
"Didn't you see?" Hagmore said, watching her intently. "I missed the fifth box, so I couldn't finish the Addition."
I just stared at him. "Am I the only one who finds something wrong, here?" Just then, Seniana jumped foreword and attacked the Cardinal. Despite all the time he had to defend the attack, he simply stood there and let her hit him.
"Ow," he said, picking himself up. "That really hurt."
"Once again...why did you let her hit you, then?"
"Well, duh. It's not like I can just dodge her attack. My evade percentage is so low, and her hit percentage is really high! There's no way I could have avoided it!"
I rolled my eyes and slapped a hand to my head. "What did I do to deserve this?"
As I was wallowing in self-pity, Cat ran up and attacked. She jumped back, and there was a pause, followed by Seniana suddenly doubling over, clutching her side. "Don't think you've won," she said. "I'll be back!" With that, she teleported out, leaving a large bag of gold and another labeled 'EXP'. These were collected.
"You know, she said not to think we've won, but isn't this a victory?" I said to my self, not expecting an answer.
"This is an empty victory until we can discover the true evil behind her intentions..." Hagmore said dramatically, staring into the sunset. Everyone else stared with him, while I beat myself on the head. As I sat down on the ground, another thought came to mind.
"I don't want to spoil the plot line, but did anyone else notice Seniana looks amazingly like Catriana?" No one heard. "Never mind."
With the spoils collected, we headed out to our original destination, that one town that we didn't know the name of until we entered. I glanced down at the words that appeared at the bottom of the screen. "Draobdrac, huh. What a dumb name for a town."
We strolled in. Hagmore turned and addressed us. "Well, everyone, I guess we should split up. Ari and Sifian, you two go find the mayor or whoever he is and find our next subquest. Cat and Alexander, you two go collect information. I'll go find an inn and seek out the shops." He looked around. "Where'd Heath go?"
"Right here."
"Well, I'm sure he's around here somewhere," Ari said. "He'll show up eventually." But Hagmore was getting a suspicious look on his face.
"Well," he finished, "I guess it can't be helped. Let's go." With that, they all headed out. I was left holding the map. There was a very long pause. "Whatever," I muttered.
Draobdrac was a very stupid town. There was no activity, no interesting mystic items, no ancient legends, nothing good at all. Even the shops sold stupid stuff. I hated it. I kicked a barrel over and broke it with my foot. Even the barrels made a stupid sound when they broke. There was nothing in the barrel. Even more stupid. It was so stupid I wanted to repeatedly bash my head against a wall, but was afraid the sound of that would be even worse than that of the barrel. The people were boring and had no idea about anything. Stupid. They wouldn't talk about anything different, even if the world was falling apart, they would still say, 'I like the play rollerball!' or 'I just bought a blue jar!' or 'I hate my life and wish to kill myself!' No important event could change what they said.
With all that in mind, I decided to go kill myself, but then I realized I couldn't because you can't target your own party members in this game.
Damn.
...
...what the hell. Continuing the story...
I decided not to stay in on one screen for more than five seconds, for fear that the boringness would rub off on me. I located the inn and hid in there. Townspeople never go into an inn unless something important is happening. I was sitting in a chair, trying to ignore the boringness of the walls, when Hagmore strolled in. He looked right at me and walked past to the innkeeper. After asking him a few basic questions, to which he got the same answer every time ('One night is 300 GP. Would you like to stay? -YES -NO.'), he somehow figured out where everything was. He turned and walked out, still not noticing me. As he was walking out, he misjudged which way the inn screen was facing as compared to the outside screen, and ended up walking right back in. He stared blankly for a moment; he glanced at me and did a double take.
"YOU!" he shouted. "What are you doing here? How did you get here before us?"
"I didn't. I was with you the whole time."
"HA! A likely story!" He took a dramatic pose. "I knew this from the start, from the very first time I saw you!" He pointed. "You're a spy, aren't you?!"
"No."
"I knew it!" He threw back his head and laughed. "Now I'm definitely the main character! I just figured out who the traitor was! Julio can't stand up to my power now!"
"The main character never figures that kind of stuff out until one of the lesser characters points it out to him."
Hagmore grinned happily. "Now I have to go find him and show him who's the master here!" With that, he turned and ran out, taking the dramatic music with him. I just sat there, not really doing anything. About twenty minutes past before Hagmore returned, huffing and puffing. "I forgot we don't know where he is," he admitted. With that, he sat down and waited. It wasn't long before the others found their way to the inn. With that, we just hung out, Hagmore's accusation of my traitorism forgotten already.
The next day came...
After a boring rest at the boring town, complete with extra-boring rest muzac, we left and continued to our next destination. Wherever that was. But considering the world is made conveniently to force us to go in one certain direction, it wasn't hard to figure out which way to go.
We ended up in a mountain again. Joy. We began our climb, entering the first cave that was conveniently cut out just like a tunnel. The first thing I saw was a giant yeti just standing there. As we got closer, I realized it was standing next to a switch. When we got too close, however, it finally noticed us and came charging at us. The battle ensued.
"Why am I not in this fight...?"
"Because you aren't in the active party! And neither is Sifian."
"Sucks to be us..." We were suddenly standing on the opposite side we had originally been on, now next to that switch. And there were now three yetis. "I guess we can't let them throw the switch, then? So why didn't they do that before we got on this side of them...?"
"Here we go!" Hagmore suddenly shouted.
"Oh, goodie," Alexander said.
With that, the battle really began. Both sides ran towards each other, now in a full active-time battle system. Hagmore and Cat charged as Ari shot at them, and Alexander used his mighty white magic. The three yetis ignored them, slowly advancing towards the switch.
"You know, I could easily just walk up and block them from getting to it...but no, I'm not in the active party...when am I ever in the active party? And why the hell can't I fight? Its not there's anything that's going to stop me."
The fight continued. I contemplated homicide. Sifian just sat there, playing the role of an inactive character well. One of the yetis died and the second was getting the hell beat out of it. But the third was slowly advancing towards the switch, with only Alexander blocking its path. "We are now officially screwed."
Alexander simply watched the yeti advance. He looked at his staff. He looked at the yeti. "Oh, what the hell." With that, he walked up and swung his arm at the yeti. I expected zero damage at most. Instead, the yeti was cleaved in half. Alexander nodded to himself and sat back as I stared.
"How...? How...?" The question was never finished, and, therefore, never answered. I just kept staring and pointing, but never got anything out. The experience was dished out and we continued on.
After several more odd battles like those before, we came across the wonderfully accented save point. These things are always put where there is no way in hell that you could ever miss them. So of course we skipped it. We came across a bridge, which got its own screen, which means...plot time!
There was a big flash of light, and a big machine thing was just kinda there all of a sudden. Don't ask how it got there, because I don't know. "Ha ha ha!" it 'said' it it's machiney voice. "Now you will meet your doom! For I will destroy you!"
"And just who are you?" Hagmore challenged.
It gave a dramatic pause. "There are those who call me...Plot Device C."
There was a deathly silence, the only sound being that of me slamming my head against my fist as hard as I could. "If you're Plot Device C," I moaned, holding my head with the same hand, "then where the hell are Plot Devices A and B?"
"That is of no importance to you!" it said very quickly. "What's important is demises! Or, more appropriately, yours!" With that, the battle started up.
"How the hell did I get in the active party? Wasn't I just not in the active party?"
"Heath! Glad you could join us!"
"Oi..."
The camera panned, as always. "This looks tough," Hagmore said.
"Be careful," Cat warned. Like we needed to be reminded.
As it turned out, though, we did. Plot Device C's first attack was on Alexander, putting him in critical. Cat managed to stop his onslaught long enough for me and Hagmore (No, no, no, it would be 'Hagmore and I') to join her. We then started beating the Christ out of the bitch. Then came his second form, in which he got a lot more in all his stats. Each attack started taking off 2000+, and he could get off several at once. He killed Hagmore, the one of us with the most defense and HP, in three hits. "Uuwaaa..." he moaned as he 'fainted'. He then hit me twice, putting me at critical. "Man, what a low way to go..." Next shot killed me. "Damn."
As Plot Device C started killing Cat, Alexander suddenly started a summon, of all things. As Cat 'fainted' and PDC came for him, he raised his hand. "Summon..." he got cut off as he got hit, but the spell had already been cast. "...Author..." he whispered as he died.
GAME OVER
"Aw, man, that sucks. Now I gotta go way back and start over from the beginning of Part 2...well, I guess now I can include all those jokes I wanted to put in. This might not be so bad..."
NEW GAME
- CONTINUE
SELECT MEMORY CARD
- SLOT 1
SLOT 2
LOADING...PLEASE WAIT