Yes, part 3 was fun of part 2...and anime.
Hazy...
There was a thick haze in my eyes as I opened them. I felt really sore...and very wet. I opened my eyes to discover that we were lying on a small beach, washed up from the river. There was no sign of that ridiculous Plot Device C, but we were all here - what a coincidence. I dragged myself to a sitting position and wondered what I had done to deserve all of this. The others were all waking as well. After a quick check to make sure there was nothing missing, we got down to plot time. "Where are we...?" Cat asked, still a bit dazed.
I looked up at the horizon. There was a rather tall tower off to the horizon, framed by the evening sky. I pulled out the map, which had stayed dry in the item bag, and checked it up. "This says we're several miles downstream...in the Plains of Hell."
For once, people heard me, and it was deathly quiet. I traced my finger along the river. There were a few mistakes in the map that I would have to fix, but there was no problem with that. I was about to put it away when Ari asked, very quietly, "Plains...of Hell?"
It was information time, so I figured I would have to say it. "The Plains of Hell. It's an area several kilometers large, down near the southern part of this continent. The constant temperature is so high that rain simply doesn't happen here. Only high-level Ice magicks will be able to withstand the heat. The plains themselves are so dry that any amount of heat will set off a flashfire, which is almost a common-day occurrence. The only way to travel through them is to find a way into the underground caverns that snake through the entire area. Of course, finding those is no walk in the park, either. Of course, this is an RPG, in which a walk in the park still means monsters...but who cares."
There was a long silence. "Sorry, I wasn't paying attention. What was that last bit?"
I fell on my face. As the group discussed their current options, I began to mutter to myself, "Why do I bother living? What is the meaning of my existence? To be a convenient lackey for these people? No...I'm supposed to be a heartless assassin with strange internal conflicts...maybe a bagel...some blueberry cream cheese...and a nice cup of tea...yeah, that's about right. No! More like one of those cream-filled pastries with the really messed up filling, but they look good on the outside..."
Sifian tapped his foot. "Well, it seems our only choice is to cross the Plains via the underground tunnels."
Hagmore nodded. "The only problem with that is we don't know how to get to the tunnels."
"...but definitely no sprinkles. Those can shut out the taste of the filling, so it still tastes good, but that also leaves a weird aftertaste in your mouth..."
"I suppose the map doesn't say anything at all?" Ari asked. Hagmore shook his head.
"I would suggest we split up to look for an entrance, but with how low our numbers are already, I don't think that's a good idea right now," Cat said.
"...I suppose there's always licorice, but that kinda gets old after a while, and the black ones are so nasty, but there is a town just to the west of us that sells a mean rice bowl..."
"Isn't there anything we can do? What about jumping back into the river?" Alexander asked.
"Well, that is a good idea, but we would have no control as to where we would be going, and would most likely get swept out to sea," Sifian responded half-heartedly.
"...I could really use a bowl of rice right now...it's like eating a half-cooked calzoné, but with less chance of food poisoning..."
"So let's go," Sifian shrugged. "We won't get anything done just standing here. Might as well try to find a way out."
"Agreed," Hagmore said, and they began to set out in search of a way out. I continued to sit on the ground, muttering to my self...
"...and then there's that little place on Grand that sells those 'bake-it-yourself, asshole' things that they claim are Italian food, but it's really just some crap they threw together to look Italian...well, that is what Italians do, so I guess they can get away with it..." Noticing they had left, I stood up and followed them.
"...like a bad pizza, actually...no, it would have to be the pizza without the toppings or sauce, which gets you bread and cheese...which isn't that bad, after ten years of prison with only that...no, wait, that's bread and water...damn, I hate it when they do this..."
It was a while; filled with constant battles of annoying enemies that took too long to defeat, before we found the oh-so-happy-caves we were looking for. They were not all that pretty - okay, they were the ugliest things I've ever seen, and I've seen some really ugly things. I tried to get the group to get through this place fast so we could get to the next town and spend some money, and finally upgrade our shitty equipment, but of course they didn't, taking all the sidepaths to get all the treasures, which were all just as shitty as our equipment.
The only plus to this was that we could sell that crap for more money. And more money means more equipment - provided that someone doesn't decide to suddenly buy a whole bunch of potions. Again.
After what seemed to be an eternity, we finally reached the end - which means some contrived boss fight. And there it was - just an upgrade of an old monster, put into boss form. It would be a short fight.
"And then there were three...dare I ask why only half of us are fighting?"
"Because that's what the battle system says! So only three of us can fight."
"Despite the fact that there are six of us..."
The camera angles showed off the wonderful battle area, and then focused on our friendly boss. Just a large not-completely-unlike-an-insect thing that deserved to die. The three who were fighting were Sifian, Cat, and Hagmore. I started flashing back to the three generic party members: the balanced hero, the fast girl, and the strong guy.
The fight started up. Going in order of their speed, it was Cat, Sifian, boss, and then Hagmore. Cat tore the boss up with a seven-hit combo, doing average damage. Sifian followed suit with a five-hit combo, doing just about as much damage. The boss walked up to Hagmore, and despite the fact that he all the time in the world to avoid it, went and wailed on the poor boy. Hagmore then laid out three hits, doing moderate damage, and about half of what Cat and Sifian had done.
Next turn. Cat attacked again, doing a different combo from the one she had done last. Sifian ran up to the boss and hit him a few times before doing the strangest thing I've ever seen. He suddenly struck a huge pose and shouted out, "NEW ARTS!" These same words appeared also in midair, and time seemed to slow down. Ever so slowly, he punched the boss once, kicked him in the head, and finished up by poking him in the eyes and doing a spin with another pose. Time flow returned to normal as the boss got up and attacked Hagmore again, but he blocked the attacks. Hagmore did some weak attacks.
Next turn. Cat powered up, while Sifian tried a spell. How he learned magic, I don't know, but he summoned a huge red knight of fire, who's name appeared as he did (-Meta-) and then the attack name followed suit (Inferno, how creative), all which blew the enemy to a state of being not unlike that of Rice Crispy's, except not. The boss got back up and beat up Sifian for his insolence. Hagmore attacked again, doing not nearly enough damage to be worth the lower attack times.
Next turn. Cat just completely unloaded all death of the world on the dumbass, completely shattering all boundaries of time and space as she dished an incredible seventeen hits. This damage amount, which would have normally killed small armies, alerted the Richter scale, and forced parents to keep their children off the street, simply knocked the boss down. Sifian then powered up himself. The boss laid some smack on Cat, who felt the pain big time, but Hagmore healed her right up with a nice healing spell (wherever he learned that, I don't know).
Next turn. Cat powered up again, while Sifian used an item to restore his HP. The boss struck a pose, said, 'Booyaka,' did a triple back flip with a one-half twist, three back summersaults, and ended with an unintelligible noise of death, handing out the pain in bucket-fulls. Hagmore powered up.
"What a god-boring turn...couldn't they have planned that a bit better...?"
Next turn. Cat unloaded the smack down again, which leveled the boss to new levels. Sifian then opened a can of Whoop-Ass, completely wasting the stupid thing that needed to die. The boss did some weak attack that involved a fish and two spoons, but it didn't know what was in store for it. Hagmore, who could now use a decent amount of attacks, brought the wrath of god down on the bastard. Literally. I didn't know one could echo one's voice so damn much without the eardrums exploding. As Hagmore's images finished ripping the boss's limbs off and eating them, while simultaneously doing an interpretive dance, the experience was totaled, and we continued, leaving a large, bloody mass on the floor.
We entered sunlight. I normally hate the sun, but I was appreciative of some real air, instead of the damn manufactured stuff we were breathing underground. We had come out of a dry well in the middle of a town that was smack dab in the middle of the Plains of Hell. Quite convenient, if not just a little random, but after the last fight, it was pretty normal. How the village had survived sitting in the middle of this hellhole is beyond me, but I'm sure that at some point in the game, plot will destroy it.
Well, after we got out bearings, we all set out to do our thing. I went in search of my rice. I found the restaurant/bar/local-eating place and walked in. After about six tries, the guy noticed I was there and took my order. I told him to just put the bowl on the bar when it was done. After the food was done, I took the rice to a nearby table, which happened to be occupied by Julio and Zan. I sat down next to them. "Hey, guys."
Julio looked up, looked around, looked under the table, and then said, "Hey, Heath."
There was a strained silence. Zan looked perfectly calm, sipping his tea, but Julio was sitting on the edge of his seat, like he had to go really bad. Or he was just bursting with excitement.
I finally risked it. "So what's up."
"I NEVER THOUGHT YOU'D ASK!" Julio shouted, completely happy now. "We had to coolest adventure without you guys! It was so awesome I forgot it all last night and then I tried to remember it but all I could think of were the awesome treasures we picked up and by the way I bought a copy of Infiltration while we were at the mall and then I found my sword-chucks and I got really happy and then Zan was yelling at me about disturbing the entire inn and then this zombie dude jumped in but Zan used his ultra-cool magic ninja skills that involve a super laser and lots of stuff burning and then I gained a level and the cool music played and was happy again oh and by the way Zan's really undead and then we found this really super-cool pencil of +4 Drawing stuff and Zan got all happy..." Julio was talking so fast that I couldn't really understand, but he gesticulated well. Around then, the other party members walked in, and then we had to plot.
"JULIO! ZAN!" everyone exclaimed, all rushing forward to gather around them. Julio was very normal about it ("Oh, hey, guys, how's it going?") while everyone had his or her own thing to say. Finally, Ari asked the fateful question. "Where have you been?"
Julio got an ecstatic look on his face. "Well, that is quite an interesting story that I have to tell, and by the sound of that music, it looks like its flashback time! Sit down and get comfy." There was a blank moment where everyone sat down, and Julio and Zan began their tale.
"Well," he began, "after our encounter with the avalanche, I was walking along to try and find you guys when I came across Zan in a crater. I picked him up and kept going to the next town, where we rested up at the inn, and then we hit the shops, but there wasn't anything of coolness there. Anyway, then we found this old guy who was complaining of some demons or something infesting this old temple, so we went and found it was big ugly thing that looked like a Jurassic Park rip-off..."
"It was Diablo himself," Zan interjected.
"Whatever. Anyway, I used my ultra-cool sword moves on him and tore off three of his limbs, and then he started lighting me on fire, but I had fire-resistant armor, and then there was all this killing and cutscenes and then I got a lot of experience, but no cool items. So then we went back to the old man and he was all happy and talking some stuff up about the Horadrim or something and saying how awesome we were, and then the press came in and was all like, 'JO, D1_13, Y01_1 $1_1P44 C00L!' 'cause they use words like $1_1P44 C00L, and they interviewed us, but Zan blew them all up, and I was sad, but then I found a quarter, and it was okay.
"Then we went off and found the Cave of Scorpions! It was really weird and there were all these bug things that kept attacking us, and Zan kept getting pissed off because his magic didn't work right, but told him it was okay cause I've got L33T $K1lLZ, but he kept on looking at me funny, and then the super bug showed up, but I used my Whoop-Ass on him, and he was all like, 'Arrgh! You went and did the kill on me, dude! Now I'm all dead and stuff! Damn!' And then he DIED, and there was all this EXP, and I was all like, 'Yay! EXP!' but Zan was still looking at me weird, but there I found the +4 Drawing pencil, and he got all happy and stuff. Oh, and Zan's also an undead Lich." Zan spit out his tea as Julio continued.
"So then we continued to the mystic town of Arthamorgiosia X, the place where all the super mages live, and Zan was all like, 'dude', and I was all like, 'no cool swords', and then this evil looking guy showed up and started killing everyone, and Zan was all like, 'damn', and I was all like, 'plot!' but then the guy saw us, and he said, 'aw, damn, you guys aren't all together, no plot.' Zan said 'argh', and I said, 'aw, no plot', and then the guy went away, and we left, cause the town was all blown up and stuff. Doom.
"Then there was this super-weird side-quest we got into that caused the death of the greatest warrior, Tijuana Tanzor of the Greatly Huge Sword of Pain and Gore, but it was okay because I got to keep his sword!...well, a fifth of it, at least. And then there was all this DEATH, and PAIN and other stuff that could've been important, but it wasn't. Oh well. And that's what we did." Julio finally took a breath and sat back.
There was a pause as we digested this, and for the flashback to go away. Finally Cat said, "You guys did all that in such a short amount of time?"
Julio blinked. "It wasn't that short."
"Yes it was! All we did was fight some weird lady, climb another mountain, and float down a river! You guys went on something like four different sidequests!"
There was a moment of silence. "So?" Cat made an angry sound and sat down with a humph. With that, the conversation stopped being scripted, and we started talking about nothing. Well, they did. I simply tuned out and devised ways to slowly and painfully kill the last descendent of Genghis Khan. After we ran out of conversation, we took a room at the inn and slept.
After sleeping in the wall for standing off to the side of the innkeeper, I awoke with the others at the exact same time. We all got out of bed, stood at the head of our respective bed, and struck a pose as the box at the top of the room said, 'Do you want to save? Yes/No'. We saved and left.
Being that we were in a desert town, there was obviously a sidequest to find some bizarre item that would bestow the magical gift of water to the residents. I have always wondered why they don't just call a plumber and install some pipeline out there, but who ever said things had to be rational?
Anyway, we asked around and found some clues as to where we could find such a thing (It was a magical piece of bleu cheese), and with that we summoned our flying flaming dragon to go get-
"Now just a minute. When and where did we get a flying, much less flaming, dragon?"
"Ah, Heath, you just don't ask these things! It makes your life so much easier."
"All I wanted was some noodles..."
"Can I have a candy bar?"
"Hey! That looks like it should have some sort of side quest to it! Let's check it out!"
"Or not..."
"I'm hungry!"
"I never knew you when you weren't."
"Are we there yet?"
"Never fear, fellow adventures! I'm sure we need to take a left up here!"
"How do we get lost with a map hanging in the corner...?"
"Can I have a Snickers?"
"If I had a hammer...I'd hammer in the morning...I'd hammer in the evening... All over this land..."
"Not if I have anything to say about that..."
"It's a good thing the player can't hear how hopeless we are..."
"Oh, don't worry. They already know!"
"Great..."
"Can I have a Kit Kat?"
"Okay! We're here!"
"I vote that we never use this mode of transportation ever again..."
We were sitting on a tiny little island that you never would have gone to if you had any sane say in the subject. I walked into the nearest little hut and found a weird merchant-like guy dancing in place.
"Hey, buddy."
"I'm the leader of this town! Everyone here is always happy!"
"Fuzbunkintastic. You have any magic bleu cheese?"
"Why, yes I do! Here you go!"
You received the magic bleu cheese! (Dadada Datdada!)
"Wait a moment...aren't I supposed to go on some insane quest for this mostly worthless item?"
"Why would you do that? Everyone here is happy!"
"Joyous days of pain. I hope you have a horrid afterlife filled with agony and despair."
"Why, thank you! I hope to meet you another time!"
"I would kill you if you weren't a townsperson. Dammit, why can't this be like BG2?" I walked out, dreading the trip back.
During this horrible ride, filled with constant banter about whatever, I wondered why I had been stuck with these people. Well, since it would be more interesting than the conversation, I guess I'll tell you.
Way, way back in the day, when going outside of the town and exploring the nearest cave of death was considered cool, we lived in an orphanage. All good heroes come from orphanages. Anyway, we all lived there, and worked at a local restaurant as dishwashers. Not a good living, but when you're poor and parentless, there aren't many options. Anyway, we worked there for about two years together, getting to know each other, playing when we weren't working (this was before my curse, so I had less angst). Anyway, we were all working one day when Julio suddenly asks, 'Hey, guys, want to go on an adventure?' Well, that seemed like fun, so we all agreed, picked up our stuff, and left.
Now, one cannot just walk out of a town to start an adventure. One must first buy supplies. And, since we were kids, we had to go to the cheapest place around - the monster-infested grocery store Ripclaw's Hellhole. Not a happy place, but if you could make it to the end, you got the best prices around. We decided to go for it.
As soon as we were in, we found a map of the place and decided to run through as fast as we could. I was assigned the deli. Mmm...fresh meat. Also hard enemies. Well, I couldn't complain, so I ran for it. But battles were inevitable.
The first enemy I fought was some kind of large pastry thing. I decided to eat it. Next was some tiny jumping mold. I tried to attack it, but rolled a critical failure and stabbed myself in the leg with my own knife. It was around then that I discovered I'm immune to my own poison, which was cool. But it still hurt. I managed to kill the... thing...and grabbed the nearest chunk of meat. I ran for my dear little life as I was chased by something that could have once been a carton of ice cream, if it didn't have tentacles and fangs.
We all managed to make it to the cash register, but what is a good dungeon without a boss? Of course, it was Ripclaw himself, a thin, slightly reptilian creature with huge Rending Claws. And we had to fight it.
Of course, since he was our first boss, there was a degree of easiness to him. But when each hit he deals takes off about three-fourths of your life, it's hard to think of him as 'easy'. But, as always, justice prevails, as do small, child-size swords and bows and such. (Just imagine a little Hagmore with a two-handed sword...)
With our victory over the storeowner, he then allowed us to buy from him. The equipment we were offered was ridiculously good for an even more ridiculously low price. That's where a majority of our current equipment came from.
Anyway, we left the store, and started our legandary journey for fame, ultimate power, and little balls of rice. And some loot to go with it. And magical/god-like equipment that would be found on the way. And the rest, as they say, is history...
"I'm really, really hungry!"
"I'm going to stab you until he dies."
"What do I have to do with this?"
"Everything. Now shut up and give me my tea."
"We don't have any tea."
"Hey! Purple!"
"Did he say no tea?"
"If I squint my eyes enough, I can achieve immorality!"
"I think its 'immortality'."
"Immorality's good too, ya know."
"Are we there yet?"
"NO TEA?"
Land. I never thought I would be happier to see it ever.
The next thing I know, I'm ready to stab Zan's face off.
That's how our life goes these days.
Long walks, filled with endless chatter, many fights that have no purpose but to beef us up so we can actually fight the final boss, who's actually really weak.
No, I don't know that for a fact.
I'm just praying for it to be so.
My prayers don't ever come true.
If I have to hear '1 Million Bottles of Beer on the Wall' once more time, there will be stabbing.
We ride off to the stupid desert to save it from certain destruction.
Why.
Hazy...
There was a thick haze in my eyes as I opened them. I felt really sore...and very wet. I opened my eyes to discover that we were lying on a small beach, washed up from the river. There was no sign of that ridiculous Plot Device C, but we were all here - what a coincidence. I dragged myself to a sitting position and wondered what I had done to deserve all of this. The others were all waking as well. After a quick check to make sure there was nothing missing, we got down to plot time. "Where are we...?" Cat asked, still a bit dazed.
I looked up at the horizon. There was a rather tall tower off to the horizon, framed by the evening sky. I pulled out the map, which had stayed dry in the item bag, and checked it up. "This says we're several miles downstream...in the Plains of Hell."
For once, people heard me, and it was deathly quiet. I traced my finger along the river. There were a few mistakes in the map that I would have to fix, but there was no problem with that. I was about to put it away when Ari asked, very quietly, "Plains...of Hell?"
It was information time, so I figured I would have to say it. "The Plains of Hell. It's an area several kilometers large, down near the southern part of this continent. The constant temperature is so high that rain simply doesn't happen here. Only high-level Ice magicks will be able to withstand the heat. The plains themselves are so dry that any amount of heat will set off a flashfire, which is almost a common-day occurrence. The only way to travel through them is to find a way into the underground caverns that snake through the entire area. Of course, finding those is no walk in the park, either. Of course, this is an RPG, in which a walk in the park still means monsters...but who cares."
There was a long silence. "Sorry, I wasn't paying attention. What was that last bit?"
I fell on my face. As the group discussed their current options, I began to mutter to myself, "Why do I bother living? What is the meaning of my existence? To be a convenient lackey for these people? No...I'm supposed to be a heartless assassin with strange internal conflicts...maybe a bagel...some blueberry cream cheese...and a nice cup of tea...yeah, that's about right. No! More like one of those cream-filled pastries with the really messed up filling, but they look good on the outside..."
Sifian tapped his foot. "Well, it seems our only choice is to cross the Plains via the underground tunnels."
Hagmore nodded. "The only problem with that is we don't know how to get to the tunnels."
"...but definitely no sprinkles. Those can shut out the taste of the filling, so it still tastes good, but that also leaves a weird aftertaste in your mouth..."
"I suppose the map doesn't say anything at all?" Ari asked. Hagmore shook his head.
"I would suggest we split up to look for an entrance, but with how low our numbers are already, I don't think that's a good idea right now," Cat said.
"...I suppose there's always licorice, but that kinda gets old after a while, and the black ones are so nasty, but there is a town just to the west of us that sells a mean rice bowl..."
"Isn't there anything we can do? What about jumping back into the river?" Alexander asked.
"Well, that is a good idea, but we would have no control as to where we would be going, and would most likely get swept out to sea," Sifian responded half-heartedly.
"...I could really use a bowl of rice right now...it's like eating a half-cooked calzoné, but with less chance of food poisoning..."
"So let's go," Sifian shrugged. "We won't get anything done just standing here. Might as well try to find a way out."
"Agreed," Hagmore said, and they began to set out in search of a way out. I continued to sit on the ground, muttering to my self...
"...and then there's that little place on Grand that sells those 'bake-it-yourself, asshole' things that they claim are Italian food, but it's really just some crap they threw together to look Italian...well, that is what Italians do, so I guess they can get away with it..." Noticing they had left, I stood up and followed them.
"...like a bad pizza, actually...no, it would have to be the pizza without the toppings or sauce, which gets you bread and cheese...which isn't that bad, after ten years of prison with only that...no, wait, that's bread and water...damn, I hate it when they do this..."
It was a while; filled with constant battles of annoying enemies that took too long to defeat, before we found the oh-so-happy-caves we were looking for. They were not all that pretty - okay, they were the ugliest things I've ever seen, and I've seen some really ugly things. I tried to get the group to get through this place fast so we could get to the next town and spend some money, and finally upgrade our shitty equipment, but of course they didn't, taking all the sidepaths to get all the treasures, which were all just as shitty as our equipment.
The only plus to this was that we could sell that crap for more money. And more money means more equipment - provided that someone doesn't decide to suddenly buy a whole bunch of potions. Again.
After what seemed to be an eternity, we finally reached the end - which means some contrived boss fight. And there it was - just an upgrade of an old monster, put into boss form. It would be a short fight.
"And then there were three...dare I ask why only half of us are fighting?"
"Because that's what the battle system says! So only three of us can fight."
"Despite the fact that there are six of us..."
The camera angles showed off the wonderful battle area, and then focused on our friendly boss. Just a large not-completely-unlike-an-insect thing that deserved to die. The three who were fighting were Sifian, Cat, and Hagmore. I started flashing back to the three generic party members: the balanced hero, the fast girl, and the strong guy.
The fight started up. Going in order of their speed, it was Cat, Sifian, boss, and then Hagmore. Cat tore the boss up with a seven-hit combo, doing average damage. Sifian followed suit with a five-hit combo, doing just about as much damage. The boss walked up to Hagmore, and despite the fact that he all the time in the world to avoid it, went and wailed on the poor boy. Hagmore then laid out three hits, doing moderate damage, and about half of what Cat and Sifian had done.
Next turn. Cat attacked again, doing a different combo from the one she had done last. Sifian ran up to the boss and hit him a few times before doing the strangest thing I've ever seen. He suddenly struck a huge pose and shouted out, "NEW ARTS!" These same words appeared also in midair, and time seemed to slow down. Ever so slowly, he punched the boss once, kicked him in the head, and finished up by poking him in the eyes and doing a spin with another pose. Time flow returned to normal as the boss got up and attacked Hagmore again, but he blocked the attacks. Hagmore did some weak attacks.
Next turn. Cat powered up, while Sifian tried a spell. How he learned magic, I don't know, but he summoned a huge red knight of fire, who's name appeared as he did (-Meta-) and then the attack name followed suit (Inferno, how creative), all which blew the enemy to a state of being not unlike that of Rice Crispy's, except not. The boss got back up and beat up Sifian for his insolence. Hagmore attacked again, doing not nearly enough damage to be worth the lower attack times.
Next turn. Cat just completely unloaded all death of the world on the dumbass, completely shattering all boundaries of time and space as she dished an incredible seventeen hits. This damage amount, which would have normally killed small armies, alerted the Richter scale, and forced parents to keep their children off the street, simply knocked the boss down. Sifian then powered up himself. The boss laid some smack on Cat, who felt the pain big time, but Hagmore healed her right up with a nice healing spell (wherever he learned that, I don't know).
Next turn. Cat powered up again, while Sifian used an item to restore his HP. The boss struck a pose, said, 'Booyaka,' did a triple back flip with a one-half twist, three back summersaults, and ended with an unintelligible noise of death, handing out the pain in bucket-fulls. Hagmore powered up.
"What a god-boring turn...couldn't they have planned that a bit better...?"
Next turn. Cat unloaded the smack down again, which leveled the boss to new levels. Sifian then opened a can of Whoop-Ass, completely wasting the stupid thing that needed to die. The boss did some weak attack that involved a fish and two spoons, but it didn't know what was in store for it. Hagmore, who could now use a decent amount of attacks, brought the wrath of god down on the bastard. Literally. I didn't know one could echo one's voice so damn much without the eardrums exploding. As Hagmore's images finished ripping the boss's limbs off and eating them, while simultaneously doing an interpretive dance, the experience was totaled, and we continued, leaving a large, bloody mass on the floor.
We entered sunlight. I normally hate the sun, but I was appreciative of some real air, instead of the damn manufactured stuff we were breathing underground. We had come out of a dry well in the middle of a town that was smack dab in the middle of the Plains of Hell. Quite convenient, if not just a little random, but after the last fight, it was pretty normal. How the village had survived sitting in the middle of this hellhole is beyond me, but I'm sure that at some point in the game, plot will destroy it.
Well, after we got out bearings, we all set out to do our thing. I went in search of my rice. I found the restaurant/bar/local-eating place and walked in. After about six tries, the guy noticed I was there and took my order. I told him to just put the bowl on the bar when it was done. After the food was done, I took the rice to a nearby table, which happened to be occupied by Julio and Zan. I sat down next to them. "Hey, guys."
Julio looked up, looked around, looked under the table, and then said, "Hey, Heath."
There was a strained silence. Zan looked perfectly calm, sipping his tea, but Julio was sitting on the edge of his seat, like he had to go really bad. Or he was just bursting with excitement.
I finally risked it. "So what's up."
"I NEVER THOUGHT YOU'D ASK!" Julio shouted, completely happy now. "We had to coolest adventure without you guys! It was so awesome I forgot it all last night and then I tried to remember it but all I could think of were the awesome treasures we picked up and by the way I bought a copy of Infiltration while we were at the mall and then I found my sword-chucks and I got really happy and then Zan was yelling at me about disturbing the entire inn and then this zombie dude jumped in but Zan used his ultra-cool magic ninja skills that involve a super laser and lots of stuff burning and then I gained a level and the cool music played and was happy again oh and by the way Zan's really undead and then we found this really super-cool pencil of +4 Drawing stuff and Zan got all happy..." Julio was talking so fast that I couldn't really understand, but he gesticulated well. Around then, the other party members walked in, and then we had to plot.
"JULIO! ZAN!" everyone exclaimed, all rushing forward to gather around them. Julio was very normal about it ("Oh, hey, guys, how's it going?") while everyone had his or her own thing to say. Finally, Ari asked the fateful question. "Where have you been?"
Julio got an ecstatic look on his face. "Well, that is quite an interesting story that I have to tell, and by the sound of that music, it looks like its flashback time! Sit down and get comfy." There was a blank moment where everyone sat down, and Julio and Zan began their tale.
"Well," he began, "after our encounter with the avalanche, I was walking along to try and find you guys when I came across Zan in a crater. I picked him up and kept going to the next town, where we rested up at the inn, and then we hit the shops, but there wasn't anything of coolness there. Anyway, then we found this old guy who was complaining of some demons or something infesting this old temple, so we went and found it was big ugly thing that looked like a Jurassic Park rip-off..."
"It was Diablo himself," Zan interjected.
"Whatever. Anyway, I used my ultra-cool sword moves on him and tore off three of his limbs, and then he started lighting me on fire, but I had fire-resistant armor, and then there was all this killing and cutscenes and then I got a lot of experience, but no cool items. So then we went back to the old man and he was all happy and talking some stuff up about the Horadrim or something and saying how awesome we were, and then the press came in and was all like, 'JO, D1_13, Y01_1 $1_1P44 C00L!' 'cause they use words like $1_1P44 C00L, and they interviewed us, but Zan blew them all up, and I was sad, but then I found a quarter, and it was okay.
"Then we went off and found the Cave of Scorpions! It was really weird and there were all these bug things that kept attacking us, and Zan kept getting pissed off because his magic didn't work right, but told him it was okay cause I've got L33T $K1lLZ, but he kept on looking at me funny, and then the super bug showed up, but I used my Whoop-Ass on him, and he was all like, 'Arrgh! You went and did the kill on me, dude! Now I'm all dead and stuff! Damn!' And then he DIED, and there was all this EXP, and I was all like, 'Yay! EXP!' but Zan was still looking at me weird, but there I found the +4 Drawing pencil, and he got all happy and stuff. Oh, and Zan's also an undead Lich." Zan spit out his tea as Julio continued.
"So then we continued to the mystic town of Arthamorgiosia X, the place where all the super mages live, and Zan was all like, 'dude', and I was all like, 'no cool swords', and then this evil looking guy showed up and started killing everyone, and Zan was all like, 'damn', and I was all like, 'plot!' but then the guy saw us, and he said, 'aw, damn, you guys aren't all together, no plot.' Zan said 'argh', and I said, 'aw, no plot', and then the guy went away, and we left, cause the town was all blown up and stuff. Doom.
"Then there was this super-weird side-quest we got into that caused the death of the greatest warrior, Tijuana Tanzor of the Greatly Huge Sword of Pain and Gore, but it was okay because I got to keep his sword!...well, a fifth of it, at least. And then there was all this DEATH, and PAIN and other stuff that could've been important, but it wasn't. Oh well. And that's what we did." Julio finally took a breath and sat back.
There was a pause as we digested this, and for the flashback to go away. Finally Cat said, "You guys did all that in such a short amount of time?"
Julio blinked. "It wasn't that short."
"Yes it was! All we did was fight some weird lady, climb another mountain, and float down a river! You guys went on something like four different sidequests!"
There was a moment of silence. "So?" Cat made an angry sound and sat down with a humph. With that, the conversation stopped being scripted, and we started talking about nothing. Well, they did. I simply tuned out and devised ways to slowly and painfully kill the last descendent of Genghis Khan. After we ran out of conversation, we took a room at the inn and slept.
After sleeping in the wall for standing off to the side of the innkeeper, I awoke with the others at the exact same time. We all got out of bed, stood at the head of our respective bed, and struck a pose as the box at the top of the room said, 'Do you want to save? Yes/No'. We saved and left.
Being that we were in a desert town, there was obviously a sidequest to find some bizarre item that would bestow the magical gift of water to the residents. I have always wondered why they don't just call a plumber and install some pipeline out there, but who ever said things had to be rational?
Anyway, we asked around and found some clues as to where we could find such a thing (It was a magical piece of bleu cheese), and with that we summoned our flying flaming dragon to go get-
"Now just a minute. When and where did we get a flying, much less flaming, dragon?"
"Ah, Heath, you just don't ask these things! It makes your life so much easier."
"All I wanted was some noodles..."
"Can I have a candy bar?"
"Hey! That looks like it should have some sort of side quest to it! Let's check it out!"
"Or not..."
"I'm hungry!"
"I never knew you when you weren't."
"Are we there yet?"
"Never fear, fellow adventures! I'm sure we need to take a left up here!"
"How do we get lost with a map hanging in the corner...?"
"Can I have a Snickers?"
"If I had a hammer...I'd hammer in the morning...I'd hammer in the evening... All over this land..."
"Not if I have anything to say about that..."
"It's a good thing the player can't hear how hopeless we are..."
"Oh, don't worry. They already know!"
"Great..."
"Can I have a Kit Kat?"
"Okay! We're here!"
"I vote that we never use this mode of transportation ever again..."
We were sitting on a tiny little island that you never would have gone to if you had any sane say in the subject. I walked into the nearest little hut and found a weird merchant-like guy dancing in place.
"Hey, buddy."
"I'm the leader of this town! Everyone here is always happy!"
"Fuzbunkintastic. You have any magic bleu cheese?"
"Why, yes I do! Here you go!"
You received the magic bleu cheese! (Dadada Datdada!)
"Wait a moment...aren't I supposed to go on some insane quest for this mostly worthless item?"
"Why would you do that? Everyone here is happy!"
"Joyous days of pain. I hope you have a horrid afterlife filled with agony and despair."
"Why, thank you! I hope to meet you another time!"
"I would kill you if you weren't a townsperson. Dammit, why can't this be like BG2?" I walked out, dreading the trip back.
During this horrible ride, filled with constant banter about whatever, I wondered why I had been stuck with these people. Well, since it would be more interesting than the conversation, I guess I'll tell you.
Way, way back in the day, when going outside of the town and exploring the nearest cave of death was considered cool, we lived in an orphanage. All good heroes come from orphanages. Anyway, we all lived there, and worked at a local restaurant as dishwashers. Not a good living, but when you're poor and parentless, there aren't many options. Anyway, we worked there for about two years together, getting to know each other, playing when we weren't working (this was before my curse, so I had less angst). Anyway, we were all working one day when Julio suddenly asks, 'Hey, guys, want to go on an adventure?' Well, that seemed like fun, so we all agreed, picked up our stuff, and left.
Now, one cannot just walk out of a town to start an adventure. One must first buy supplies. And, since we were kids, we had to go to the cheapest place around - the monster-infested grocery store Ripclaw's Hellhole. Not a happy place, but if you could make it to the end, you got the best prices around. We decided to go for it.
As soon as we were in, we found a map of the place and decided to run through as fast as we could. I was assigned the deli. Mmm...fresh meat. Also hard enemies. Well, I couldn't complain, so I ran for it. But battles were inevitable.
The first enemy I fought was some kind of large pastry thing. I decided to eat it. Next was some tiny jumping mold. I tried to attack it, but rolled a critical failure and stabbed myself in the leg with my own knife. It was around then that I discovered I'm immune to my own poison, which was cool. But it still hurt. I managed to kill the... thing...and grabbed the nearest chunk of meat. I ran for my dear little life as I was chased by something that could have once been a carton of ice cream, if it didn't have tentacles and fangs.
We all managed to make it to the cash register, but what is a good dungeon without a boss? Of course, it was Ripclaw himself, a thin, slightly reptilian creature with huge Rending Claws. And we had to fight it.
Of course, since he was our first boss, there was a degree of easiness to him. But when each hit he deals takes off about three-fourths of your life, it's hard to think of him as 'easy'. But, as always, justice prevails, as do small, child-size swords and bows and such. (Just imagine a little Hagmore with a two-handed sword...)
With our victory over the storeowner, he then allowed us to buy from him. The equipment we were offered was ridiculously good for an even more ridiculously low price. That's where a majority of our current equipment came from.
Anyway, we left the store, and started our legandary journey for fame, ultimate power, and little balls of rice. And some loot to go with it. And magical/god-like equipment that would be found on the way. And the rest, as they say, is history...
"I'm really, really hungry!"
"I'm going to stab you until he dies."
"What do I have to do with this?"
"Everything. Now shut up and give me my tea."
"We don't have any tea."
"Hey! Purple!"
"Did he say no tea?"
"If I squint my eyes enough, I can achieve immorality!"
"I think its 'immortality'."
"Immorality's good too, ya know."
"Are we there yet?"
"NO TEA?"
Land. I never thought I would be happier to see it ever.
The next thing I know, I'm ready to stab Zan's face off.
That's how our life goes these days.
Long walks, filled with endless chatter, many fights that have no purpose but to beef us up so we can actually fight the final boss, who's actually really weak.
No, I don't know that for a fact.
I'm just praying for it to be so.
My prayers don't ever come true.
If I have to hear '1 Million Bottles of Beer on the Wall' once more time, there will be stabbing.
We ride off to the stupid desert to save it from certain destruction.
Why.