After the kiss, we ate in silence. Neither of us could say anything. And
then I remembered what Nikolas told me.
"I think I need to go home." I announced.
He continued looking down at his plate but he stopped eating.
"If that's what you want."
"I do."
His eyes met mine.
"I'll help you pack." He said, standing up from the table.
I stood up and tried to give an explanation but no words came. I could feel the slight distance between us. I just watched him go up the stairs.
"Jason?" I called, but he continued up the stairs.
I reconsidered my decision and I knew I was making the right one. My grandmother and sister needed me. They were worried and they had that right. But at the same time my soul ached as if I had just lost the most valuable thing in my life. And in a sense, I had.
He came down a moment later with a single suitcase. He said nothing but gave it to Johnny to put in the limo that would drive me home.
"Jason, this doesn't mean that what you did was not appreciated. You have done so much for me, so much that I'll never be able to repay you. You listened, you let me cry, and you just let me be. I could be myself around you and no one else. We shared something special and I don't want to leave with you angry at me."
"I'm not angry." He said, simply.
He slowly pulled me close, as if unsure how I would react. He cradled me in his arms and then let me go. Then he started to go up the stairs yet again.
I decided not to go up after him. I knew that I should but I could not face him. I could not face him when he was distant. The Jason that was behind that front was the Jason that I cared about. But this new Jason, I was unfamiliar with.
* * *
When I came home my grandmother greeted me with open arms. She had some idea where I had been but she never asked. She knew that I needed time.
Sarah was less welcoming but never said anything in my presence. She remained by herself in her room when I got home. She only momentarily glanced at me in the hallway. But I knew that despite our differences, she was happy that I was back.
I did not see Jason for a while after that. Every time I stopped by he was conveniently 'not there'. It was then that I realized how much just his presence had been comforting to me.
I started seeing a lot more of Emily and we had more frequent trips to the mall and days out. But Emily was a friend of Lucky and Nikolas and eventually we had to include them in our get-togethers. At first it was difficult to be around Lucky, like a constant reminder of the worst day of my life. But I keep thinking that if he hadn't ditched me I might not have met Jason. So with that thought in mind, I smile.
Nikolas was a little harder to get close to. I wasn't scared of Nikolas like I was with most men because he was always so gentle and kind. But it was the fact that he was seeing Sarah that bothered me. But he broke it off with Sarah not long after we started becoming friends, so that made it a little easier for the both of us to get close.
Emily somehow let it slip to Lucky and Nikolas that I was raped. I was angry at first but eventually got over it. We became closer friends because of her little slipup and soon it was like we had always been like this. But every time I laughed or cried I thought about Jason and it started to get to me to the point where I, myself, became closed off.
At Kelly's one day, sitting around the table with Nikolas, Lucky, and Emily, everything started to come into focus.
"What's up with you and Jason?" Emily asked.
"Jason? You're brother, Jason? How does Liz even know him?" Lucky directed at Emily.
"Jason is just bad news." Nikolas said, his eyes dark.
I did not want to answer Emily. I did not want to hear Nikolas badmouth Jason. I just wanted to leave my body at that moment, but unfortunately, that wasn't a possibility. I tuned them out and listened to the jukebox:
From the cruel sun
You were shelter
You were my shelter and my shade
(U2/Wild Honey/All That You Can't Leave Behind)
"LIZ!" Emily shrieked, apparently she had been for some time.
"What?" I asked, unaware.
"Did you just check-out?" Lucky asked, worried.
I looked at all three of them. Each had the same expression of concern on their faces. I knew that they pitied me for what happened. Their expressions as familiar to me now as the back of my own hand.
"I'm sorry. I just got caught up in the song."
"You never answered my question!" Emily stated, obviously getting impatient.
"Nothing. I haven't seen him in a while."
"But he . . ."
"I know, he was wonderful to me. But ever since I moved back home he wants nothing to do with me."
"It's better that way. You won't be caught in some mob war." Nikolas stated.
"You were living with him?" Lucky asked, surprised. I guess Em covered when I wasn't paying attention.
I tried to avoid his eyes. The time between Jason and me was personal. I did not want to share my memories with anyone. I wanted to keep them close to my heart and cherish them, not share them with others.
Emily could obviously tell that it was not something I wanted to talk about.
"Hey guys, help me pick out a song?" She asked, both remained still. They wanted answers.
She left, but the jukebox was near the table so she was still in earshot.
"For a little while after I moved here I lived with him. Nothing happened." I said, nonchalant.
I acted as if I was detached, as if it didn't matter to me what I had shared with Jason. But it did.
Emily joined us again.
"Would either of you like to dance?" I asked, trying to change the subject.
"Sure." Lucky chimed in, getting up and whisking me to an area not so crowded with tables.
We started to dance to no music at all. But eventually Emily's selection came on and Nikolas and Emily joined us.
And love is not the easy thing
The only baggage you can bring . . .
And love is not the easy thing . . .
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind
And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for a second you turn back
Oh no, be strong
Walk on, walk on
What you got they can't steal it
No they can't even feel it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight
You're packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been
A place that has to be believed to be seen
You could have flown away
A singing bird in an open cage
Who will only fly, only fly for freedom
Walk on, walk on
What you've got they can't deny
Can't see it, can't buy it
Walk on, walk on,
Stay safe tonight
And I know it aches
And you heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on
Home . . . hard to know what it is if you've never had one
Home. . . I can't say where it is but I know I'm going home
That's where the hurt is
I know it aches
How your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on
Leave it behind . . .
(U2/Walk On/All That You Can't Leave Behind)
I pulled away from Lucky, unknowingly. It was just not the same. While I was dancing with Lucky I felt like I was trying to fill the void that Jason left. But Lucky was not Jason, and he could never be.
I just stood there, motionless for no reason, and sometimes that's the best reason of all. He stood, watching, calling my name as if he could draw me back from the place I had gone to. But it wasn't a place he could rescue me from. It was a place where I had to rescue myself.
I opened the door to Kelly's and just began to run. I did not know where I was heading but I knew in my heart the destination. I had to stop a block away, my breath heaving from my chest. I thought I would collapse but I did not. I stayed only a moment more before continuing my journey.
The elevator doors were cold and when they opened, there he was, and I stopped at the sight of him. I took deep breaths to gain back my composure and all the while my eyes never left his for fear he was just a hallucination.
His eyes were marked with worry and concern. He looked at me and concluded by my heavy breathing that I was running from something or someone.
"Elizabeth, what's wrong?" He said, placing on hand on my shoulder but just as quickly removing it.
"This is wrong." I muttered out in one quick breath.
"What?"
"I've been running so long. I can't do it anymore. I cannot lie to myself."
He was silent.
"That night you did not just save me from HIM, you saved me from myself. I was content with just laying there and letting the cold and the hurt take me out of this life. I thought I had nothing to live for. But you came and you held out your hand, without an agenda, and helped me. You made me believe in love, something I've never had before. Without you . . . I wouldn't be here. The reason I ran away was not because of you, it was because of me. I did not think I could function without you. And now I've realized I don't want to. I've realized that I can but it just isn't the same without you there. I don't need you in my life anymore, but I want you in it."
The elevator doors shut, trapping us in an elevator together. No one moved to press a button.
"Jason, please say something."
But he had no words to express what he wanted to say. He moved closer and separated the distance between us. Our lips met, and everything in my life seemed to wash away as this newfound electricity surged through my body.
A moment later we parted.
"Never think you have nothing to live for, Elizabeth. You have so much to live for."
We left the elevator, hand in hand, and went upstairs to his penthouse. We sat down on the couch and for a moment neither of us could say anything.
I began, "I came by a few times but you never answered. I was afraid you didn't want me."
"Never." He started, as he took my hand in his, "I've been busy."
"I thought you said you didn't have a life."
He smiled.
"I was at Kelly's today with Emily, Lucky, and Nikolas and this song came on. And it said something like 'Home . . . it's hard to know if you've never had one'. It made me realize that the only place that I've felt at home is here. Growing up I always felt like I was on the outside, that I didn't belong. Even with Steve there, I felt like an imposter. Since I've gone back to my grandmother's house, she gives me these looks like I'm foreign to her or something. And Sarah just treats me as she always has. But the point of this, which I'm taking forever to get to, is that I've never felt comfortable in my own skin until I met you. You did that for me when it was the last thing I thought possible. Thank you."
"Your room is always here, if you want it." He offered.
I smiled.
"I think I need to go home." I announced.
He continued looking down at his plate but he stopped eating.
"If that's what you want."
"I do."
His eyes met mine.
"I'll help you pack." He said, standing up from the table.
I stood up and tried to give an explanation but no words came. I could feel the slight distance between us. I just watched him go up the stairs.
"Jason?" I called, but he continued up the stairs.
I reconsidered my decision and I knew I was making the right one. My grandmother and sister needed me. They were worried and they had that right. But at the same time my soul ached as if I had just lost the most valuable thing in my life. And in a sense, I had.
He came down a moment later with a single suitcase. He said nothing but gave it to Johnny to put in the limo that would drive me home.
"Jason, this doesn't mean that what you did was not appreciated. You have done so much for me, so much that I'll never be able to repay you. You listened, you let me cry, and you just let me be. I could be myself around you and no one else. We shared something special and I don't want to leave with you angry at me."
"I'm not angry." He said, simply.
He slowly pulled me close, as if unsure how I would react. He cradled me in his arms and then let me go. Then he started to go up the stairs yet again.
I decided not to go up after him. I knew that I should but I could not face him. I could not face him when he was distant. The Jason that was behind that front was the Jason that I cared about. But this new Jason, I was unfamiliar with.
* * *
When I came home my grandmother greeted me with open arms. She had some idea where I had been but she never asked. She knew that I needed time.
Sarah was less welcoming but never said anything in my presence. She remained by herself in her room when I got home. She only momentarily glanced at me in the hallway. But I knew that despite our differences, she was happy that I was back.
I did not see Jason for a while after that. Every time I stopped by he was conveniently 'not there'. It was then that I realized how much just his presence had been comforting to me.
I started seeing a lot more of Emily and we had more frequent trips to the mall and days out. But Emily was a friend of Lucky and Nikolas and eventually we had to include them in our get-togethers. At first it was difficult to be around Lucky, like a constant reminder of the worst day of my life. But I keep thinking that if he hadn't ditched me I might not have met Jason. So with that thought in mind, I smile.
Nikolas was a little harder to get close to. I wasn't scared of Nikolas like I was with most men because he was always so gentle and kind. But it was the fact that he was seeing Sarah that bothered me. But he broke it off with Sarah not long after we started becoming friends, so that made it a little easier for the both of us to get close.
Emily somehow let it slip to Lucky and Nikolas that I was raped. I was angry at first but eventually got over it. We became closer friends because of her little slipup and soon it was like we had always been like this. But every time I laughed or cried I thought about Jason and it started to get to me to the point where I, myself, became closed off.
At Kelly's one day, sitting around the table with Nikolas, Lucky, and Emily, everything started to come into focus.
"What's up with you and Jason?" Emily asked.
"Jason? You're brother, Jason? How does Liz even know him?" Lucky directed at Emily.
"Jason is just bad news." Nikolas said, his eyes dark.
I did not want to answer Emily. I did not want to hear Nikolas badmouth Jason. I just wanted to leave my body at that moment, but unfortunately, that wasn't a possibility. I tuned them out and listened to the jukebox:
From the cruel sun
You were shelter
You were my shelter and my shade
(U2/Wild Honey/All That You Can't Leave Behind)
"LIZ!" Emily shrieked, apparently she had been for some time.
"What?" I asked, unaware.
"Did you just check-out?" Lucky asked, worried.
I looked at all three of them. Each had the same expression of concern on their faces. I knew that they pitied me for what happened. Their expressions as familiar to me now as the back of my own hand.
"I'm sorry. I just got caught up in the song."
"You never answered my question!" Emily stated, obviously getting impatient.
"Nothing. I haven't seen him in a while."
"But he . . ."
"I know, he was wonderful to me. But ever since I moved back home he wants nothing to do with me."
"It's better that way. You won't be caught in some mob war." Nikolas stated.
"You were living with him?" Lucky asked, surprised. I guess Em covered when I wasn't paying attention.
I tried to avoid his eyes. The time between Jason and me was personal. I did not want to share my memories with anyone. I wanted to keep them close to my heart and cherish them, not share them with others.
Emily could obviously tell that it was not something I wanted to talk about.
"Hey guys, help me pick out a song?" She asked, both remained still. They wanted answers.
She left, but the jukebox was near the table so she was still in earshot.
"For a little while after I moved here I lived with him. Nothing happened." I said, nonchalant.
I acted as if I was detached, as if it didn't matter to me what I had shared with Jason. But it did.
Emily joined us again.
"Would either of you like to dance?" I asked, trying to change the subject.
"Sure." Lucky chimed in, getting up and whisking me to an area not so crowded with tables.
We started to dance to no music at all. But eventually Emily's selection came on and Nikolas and Emily joined us.
And love is not the easy thing
The only baggage you can bring . . .
And love is not the easy thing . . .
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind
And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for a second you turn back
Oh no, be strong
Walk on, walk on
What you got they can't steal it
No they can't even feel it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight
You're packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been
A place that has to be believed to be seen
You could have flown away
A singing bird in an open cage
Who will only fly, only fly for freedom
Walk on, walk on
What you've got they can't deny
Can't see it, can't buy it
Walk on, walk on,
Stay safe tonight
And I know it aches
And you heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on
Home . . . hard to know what it is if you've never had one
Home. . . I can't say where it is but I know I'm going home
That's where the hurt is
I know it aches
How your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on
Leave it behind . . .
(U2/Walk On/All That You Can't Leave Behind)
I pulled away from Lucky, unknowingly. It was just not the same. While I was dancing with Lucky I felt like I was trying to fill the void that Jason left. But Lucky was not Jason, and he could never be.
I just stood there, motionless for no reason, and sometimes that's the best reason of all. He stood, watching, calling my name as if he could draw me back from the place I had gone to. But it wasn't a place he could rescue me from. It was a place where I had to rescue myself.
I opened the door to Kelly's and just began to run. I did not know where I was heading but I knew in my heart the destination. I had to stop a block away, my breath heaving from my chest. I thought I would collapse but I did not. I stayed only a moment more before continuing my journey.
The elevator doors were cold and when they opened, there he was, and I stopped at the sight of him. I took deep breaths to gain back my composure and all the while my eyes never left his for fear he was just a hallucination.
His eyes were marked with worry and concern. He looked at me and concluded by my heavy breathing that I was running from something or someone.
"Elizabeth, what's wrong?" He said, placing on hand on my shoulder but just as quickly removing it.
"This is wrong." I muttered out in one quick breath.
"What?"
"I've been running so long. I can't do it anymore. I cannot lie to myself."
He was silent.
"That night you did not just save me from HIM, you saved me from myself. I was content with just laying there and letting the cold and the hurt take me out of this life. I thought I had nothing to live for. But you came and you held out your hand, without an agenda, and helped me. You made me believe in love, something I've never had before. Without you . . . I wouldn't be here. The reason I ran away was not because of you, it was because of me. I did not think I could function without you. And now I've realized I don't want to. I've realized that I can but it just isn't the same without you there. I don't need you in my life anymore, but I want you in it."
The elevator doors shut, trapping us in an elevator together. No one moved to press a button.
"Jason, please say something."
But he had no words to express what he wanted to say. He moved closer and separated the distance between us. Our lips met, and everything in my life seemed to wash away as this newfound electricity surged through my body.
A moment later we parted.
"Never think you have nothing to live for, Elizabeth. You have so much to live for."
We left the elevator, hand in hand, and went upstairs to his penthouse. We sat down on the couch and for a moment neither of us could say anything.
I began, "I came by a few times but you never answered. I was afraid you didn't want me."
"Never." He started, as he took my hand in his, "I've been busy."
"I thought you said you didn't have a life."
He smiled.
"I was at Kelly's today with Emily, Lucky, and Nikolas and this song came on. And it said something like 'Home . . . it's hard to know if you've never had one'. It made me realize that the only place that I've felt at home is here. Growing up I always felt like I was on the outside, that I didn't belong. Even with Steve there, I felt like an imposter. Since I've gone back to my grandmother's house, she gives me these looks like I'm foreign to her or something. And Sarah just treats me as she always has. But the point of this, which I'm taking forever to get to, is that I've never felt comfortable in my own skin until I met you. You did that for me when it was the last thing I thought possible. Thank you."
"Your room is always here, if you want it." He offered.
I smiled.