Chapter 5
I sat there for a while. The rest of the gang had stopped trying to talk to me. I heard a knock on the window and turned to see Soda outside the window. He was trying to get in. I knew it felt like it was below zero outside and his hair looked like the grease was freezing so I decided not to leave him out there in the cold. I would hate myself forever if I let one of my only two brothers die. Besides maybe he had something important to say.
"Pony is this about a greaser chick or something?"
"What????" Was my brother asking me if my inner turmoil was caused by a girl. Ok so I guess I'll give him the benefit of the dought and say that it could have been caused by a girl. But seriously come on does he know me at all?
"I didn't think so. I was just asking don't get all upset I'm just trying to figure out what's wrong."
"You don't want to know what's wrong." I muttered to myself.
"What?" Damn he heard me. I thought I said it quieter. Oh well you live you learn. Of course you can't really call my existence living, it's more like watching others live from the sidelines. I wasn't afraid of death because I didn't have life to begin with and to die you have to have life. You can't have one without the other. "Pony snap out of it."
"Sorry I guess I just spaced out for a second."
"You do that a lot lately. We've all noticed it. You've gotten distant and more cut off. And your attitude has changed from caring about everything to not caring about anything including what happens to you."
"Me who am I tell me how I can care about someone I don't even know?" I thought about saying this but decided to just continue to stare at him.
"Look Pony I love you and you should know that no matter what I will love you, but just because I love you doesn't mean that I can't get mad at you. And I will get mad at you if you continue to do stuff like you been doin'." Soda embraced me and I wanted to hug him back, but something in the back of my mind told me to hold back. I wanted to hug him so bad and feel the love that I hadn't felt in a while.
Soda then walked to the door and unlocked it. I announced that I was sorry and going to bed. I got into bed and started thinking about when the change had come over me. It was when Johnny died. Johnny was the only one who knew me, even Soda didn't know me like Johnny. Johnny knew me as a person, less than perfect. He knew I wasn't God and I couldn't do everything and anything. He knew I cussed and got into fights. Smoked, drank once, I had even tried some harder stuff, but Johnny kept me from doing anything perminantly because he believed in me. He knew who I was and who I could be. Darry and Soda were just taking shots in the dark at who I am. Now Johnny is gone and I can't bring him back to ask him who I am. He has the answer and he took it to his grave.
"Why Johnny why? Why did you die, why didn't you tell me who I was. You knew I was lost. I had even asked you about it. But you wouldn't answer. Maybe you weren't suppose to say, maybe you just didn't want me to be happy after you died." I whispered this to myself. I continued to think through the night and when Soda came into the room I just pretended I was asleep, when I was really still thinking. I had to figure out my answer, the whole gang was being affected by me and I couldn't do this to them.
I sat there for a while. The rest of the gang had stopped trying to talk to me. I heard a knock on the window and turned to see Soda outside the window. He was trying to get in. I knew it felt like it was below zero outside and his hair looked like the grease was freezing so I decided not to leave him out there in the cold. I would hate myself forever if I let one of my only two brothers die. Besides maybe he had something important to say.
"Pony is this about a greaser chick or something?"
"What????" Was my brother asking me if my inner turmoil was caused by a girl. Ok so I guess I'll give him the benefit of the dought and say that it could have been caused by a girl. But seriously come on does he know me at all?
"I didn't think so. I was just asking don't get all upset I'm just trying to figure out what's wrong."
"You don't want to know what's wrong." I muttered to myself.
"What?" Damn he heard me. I thought I said it quieter. Oh well you live you learn. Of course you can't really call my existence living, it's more like watching others live from the sidelines. I wasn't afraid of death because I didn't have life to begin with and to die you have to have life. You can't have one without the other. "Pony snap out of it."
"Sorry I guess I just spaced out for a second."
"You do that a lot lately. We've all noticed it. You've gotten distant and more cut off. And your attitude has changed from caring about everything to not caring about anything including what happens to you."
"Me who am I tell me how I can care about someone I don't even know?" I thought about saying this but decided to just continue to stare at him.
"Look Pony I love you and you should know that no matter what I will love you, but just because I love you doesn't mean that I can't get mad at you. And I will get mad at you if you continue to do stuff like you been doin'." Soda embraced me and I wanted to hug him back, but something in the back of my mind told me to hold back. I wanted to hug him so bad and feel the love that I hadn't felt in a while.
Soda then walked to the door and unlocked it. I announced that I was sorry and going to bed. I got into bed and started thinking about when the change had come over me. It was when Johnny died. Johnny was the only one who knew me, even Soda didn't know me like Johnny. Johnny knew me as a person, less than perfect. He knew I wasn't God and I couldn't do everything and anything. He knew I cussed and got into fights. Smoked, drank once, I had even tried some harder stuff, but Johnny kept me from doing anything perminantly because he believed in me. He knew who I was and who I could be. Darry and Soda were just taking shots in the dark at who I am. Now Johnny is gone and I can't bring him back to ask him who I am. He has the answer and he took it to his grave.
"Why Johnny why? Why did you die, why didn't you tell me who I was. You knew I was lost. I had even asked you about it. But you wouldn't answer. Maybe you weren't suppose to say, maybe you just didn't want me to be happy after you died." I whispered this to myself. I continued to think through the night and when Soda came into the room I just pretended I was asleep, when I was really still thinking. I had to figure out my answer, the whole gang was being affected by me and I couldn't do this to them.