Banjo-Kazooie ZE
a crazy fanfic by charity236
Disclaimer: I didn't create Zelda or Banjo-Kazooie.
Yay, first chapter! Link and Navi are going to go find Kaepora's owlnests to get some baddie-fighting lessons. But will it be worthwhile? Who knows... But they're going to HAVE to learn the stuff if they want to save Zelda from Twinrova.
Please review, it makes me feel special.
Chapter 1: The Aptly-Named "Spiral Mountain" Spin-Out
Link and Navi are looking for some of Kaepora Gaebora's owlnests.
Link: [sees an owlnest right ahead] There's one!
Kaepora: [pops out of nest] You called?
Link: Uh... no?
Navi: Sure we did, bottle-brain!
Kaepora: [glares] Fine. Um... your first lesson... [checks book] is... um... kumayra angels.
Navi: You sure those glasses helping you read, bighead? It says CAMERA ANGLES.
Kaepora: [glares again]
Link: You know, Navi does have a point - your glasses are on backwards.
Kaepora: Oh are they? Thanks. [turns glasses around] Better. Okay, uh yeah - lemeyta arquels.
Link: For crying out loud! Let me damn fix them... [turns glasses right way up] NOW IS THAT BETTER?!
Kaepora: Thanks again. FINALLY... camera angles. See those buttons on your sword?
Link: [looks at sword hilt] I don't see no buttons!
Kaepora: [claps wings] You do now.
Link: [looks at buttons] Are you trying to tell me that my sword is a Nintendo 64 controller in disguise?
Kaepora: Uh... no, noooo, of course not! You just need it to control your camera angles.
Navi: What camera angles, you glass-eyed jerk?
Kaepora: [glares] THESE camera angles. [points at Skull Kid holding a large video camera] Wave, Skull Kid!
Skull Kid (holding video camera): [waves] Hi!
Link: [groans] So how do I control these - ah - "camera angles", Kaepora?
Kaepora: Just press C Left or Right to move the camera around. C Down can make the camera go farther out or back in, and that R Button will center the camera behind you.
Navi: When can I fly?
Kaepora: Erm... not yet!
Link: What about C Up?
Kaepora: That lets you use the First-Person View to look around.
Link and Navi: [nods] Fair enough.
Kaepora: That was your first lesson. Go find my next owlnest to learn some more. [disappears in nest]
Link: Whatever. [whispers] Sucker.
About ten seconds later, Link and Navi find another owlnest, located in front of an earthy area with giant treestumps. On top of one of the treestumps is a white and blue heart, spinning slowly.
Link: [points at heart thingy] What's that?
Navi: [shrugs] Dunno. Let's go check it out.
Link: [walks over to stump with heart on it] Great idea, Navi. How are we going to get up there?
Navi: Jump?
Link: Fine. [jumps up as high as he can, which isn't very high] Darn.
Kaepora: Having trouble getting that Heart Piece?
Link: [turns around] What did you call it?
Kaepora: That's a Heart Piece. Get four of them to complete a Heart Container.
Link: A WHAT?!
Navi: [groans] Honestly! Were you the hero of Ocarina of Time or NOT?!
Link: Oh yeah, I was. [grins]
Kaepora: [ignoring Navi and Link's chatting] Heart Containers hold your energy - run out and you die. Simple.
Navi: Does that mean this lesson is over?
Kaepora: NO!! Look, you wanna get that Heart Piece?
Link and Navi: [nods]
Kaepora: OF COURSE YOU DO!!!! [calms down] I will now tell you how to do a Fairy Flap.
Link and Navi: A WHAT?
Kaepora: A Fairy Flap. It lets you extend the range of your jumps. Just press A Button twice, and Navi will open her wings and flap after you jump.
Link: [does Fairy Flap] Done.
Kaepora: Good. Mmmmkay, now for the Flap Flip.
Link and Navi: The WHAT?!
Kaepora: [sigh] Flap Flip. Hold that Z Button and then push A and you'll flip into the air - it means you can reach that Heart Piece. Go on, try it.
Link: [does Flip Flap and grabs Heart Piece] Yay!
~HEART PIECES: 1~
Kaepora: Excellent. [mutters] CHEATANENERGYBARTOGETYOUFAR. [normal volume] Okay, I think that's all for this lesson. [dives into owlnest]
Navi: What did owlboy say?
Link: Something about "an energy bar to get you far". Wonder what than could mean?
Navi: Hmmm... Never mind, let's keep going.
Further along...
Navi: [points at something] Look, another one!
Link: Another one of what?
Navi: Owlnest!
Link: Where? Where? Where?!
Navi: [groan] Maybe I should buy YOU some glasses.
Link: [yells] No, then I'd look like a nerd and then no-one would buy Zelda games!!
Navi: ...PSYCH!!!!
Link: o_O; And just what is that supposed to mean?
Navi: [sighs] It means that I'm joking, duh.
Kaepora: [pops out of owlnest] Now you can learn how to swim.
Link: Excuse me, I already know how to swim.
Kaepora: Not UNDERwater.
Link: I do too! I have the Zora Tunic and Iron Boots.
Kaepora: Not in THIS game you don't.
Link: ...Waaaa! I want my Boots!
Navi: Too bad, you ain't gettin' 'em!
Link: [jumps in water]
Kaepora: Erhem. Okay, to swim around on the surface, just move that Control Stick a bit.
Link: Like this? [tilts Control Stick]
Kaepora: Yeah. To dive, press B.
Link: [presses B] Blub blub blub?
Kaepora: Pardon?
Link: [rises to surface] Is that okay?
Kaepora: Yeah. Um, when holding A underwater you can just kick, but with the B Button instead, Navi will open her wings for a faster stroke. Pressing A in mid-stroke is your brake. Oh, and see that blue air meter?
Link: Where?
Kaepora: Above your head!
Link: [looks around] I don't see no meter!
Kaepora: Fine then, check your sword hilt.
Link: [looks at sword hilt] Oh THERE it is.
Kaepora: Yes. That shows how much longer you can hold your breath. [mutters] CHEATGIVENAVIANDLINKANICEAIRYTREAT.
Link and Navi: What did you just say?
Kaepora: Did I just say something?
Navi: No.
Link: [starts whistling Zelda's Lullaby as though nothing had happened]
Kaepora: Weird. Anyway, if that air meter runs out, you're dead. Next lesson, climbing! Oh, and did you see that Heart Piece down there?
Link and Navi: Where?
Kaepora: [points] Down there, underwater.
Link and Navi: Oh.
Kaepora: See you at the next lesson, then.
Link: [grabs Heart Piece] Blub.
~HEART PIECES: 2~
Navi: Splash.
On the way to the next owlnest...
Link: [points] Is that what I think it is?
Navi: Where?
Link: Up on that ledge next to the waterfall.
Navi: There it is, yeah.
Link: A Heart Piece. ...Let's get it! [runs over to ledge]
After a few minutes of trying to Fairy Flap over to the Heart Piece...
Link: Got it! Only one more Piece to go before I have another Container.
~HEART PIECES: 3~
Kaepora [yelling from the next owlnest]: Good for you. Now are you going to get your butt over here or WHAT?!
Link: Coming! [runs over]
Kaepora: Do you like climbing?
Link: I've never tried. Personally I like the Hookshot better.
Kaepora: Thought so.
Navi: And your point is?...
Kaepora: Even if you don't like climbing, you're gonna have to do it, so ha-ha!
Link: Doh!
Navi: Aye carumba!
Kaepora: Hrmmm...
Link: Fine. Just how do we climb?
Kaepora: Go up to a tree/vine/ladder/rope/whatever and jump at it, then when you're hanging on just push the Control Stick around. But be careful not to fall, especially from big heights. Speaking of climbing, I think there's a Heart Piece up on that tree...
Navi: Where?
Link: There! [runs over to tree, climbs it and grabs Heart Piece]
Special Music: Dun dun dun!
All: What was that?
Mysterious Voice: That's the music that you hear when a Heart Container is complete, duh.
Link, Navi and Kaepora: Fair enough.
~HEART PIECES: 4~
~4 HEART PIECES = 1 HEART CONTAINER!~
Kaepora: I'll see you at the next owlnest. [disappears]
At the next owlnest...
Navi: Look at those boulders - they have eyes!
Eyed Boulders: Blink.
Link: WHAT?! Let me see!
Navi: Over there. [points at boulders in front of them]
Link: [looks at eyed boulders] ^o^ Cool.
Eyed Boulders: Blink in a happy way.
Kaepora: [jumps out of owlnest] Hello.
Link: Okay Kaepora, what's our next lesson?
Kaepora: See those boulders? You're going to smash them open.
Link: Easy! [pulls out Megaton Hammer]
Eyed Boulders: Blink in a very scared way.
Kaepora: You put that hammer away or I'll confiscate it.
Link: [hugs Megaton Hammer] NO!! YOU CAN'T DO THAT!!!!
Kaepora: Then put it away.
Eyed Boulders: Blink in relief.
Navi: You're no fun, you grumpy half-blind owl.
Kaepora: [starts sobbing]
Link: Don't say that, you know how annoying his crying is!
Kaepora: Hey! [stops sobbing] Okay, the Sworb Stab. Link, hold Z then press B and you'll drive your sword into the boulder, effectively destroying it.
Eyed Boulders: Blink in a very scared way.
Link: [hugs Master Sword] NO!! THAT'LL WRECK MY SWORD!!!!
Kaepora: No it won't - all of the boulders in this game are made of easily-breakable styrofoam.
Mysterious Voice: I thought this was a fanfic.
Kaepora: [shrugs] Have a go, Link.
Eyed Boulders: Blink in an extremely scared way. [tries to roll away but nothing happens]
Link: Well alright... [does Sword Stab] You're right! It IS styrofoam!
Kaepora: Go on, smash the other boulders.
Other Eyed Boulders: Blink in a whimpering way.
Link: [smashes boulders] Hey, a Heart Piece came out of this last one! [grabs Heart Piece]
~HEART PIECES: 5~
Kaepora: See ya - one more lesson to go. [dives into owlnest]
Final owlnest (or at least I think so!)...
Navi: Look at this neat little plowed field. Isn't it quaint?
Link: Not anymore, look - a giant carrot just popped out of that hole!
Navi: A giant CARROT?! ...Does it have eyes?
Link: Yeah.
Navi: [groan]
Kaepora: I see you've taken an interest in Topper...
Topper: Boing.
Link: That thing has a NAME?!
Kaepora: [shrugs] Anyway, go attack it with your sword. Just press B.
Link: [swipes sword at Topper the carrot]
Topper: Boing. [faints, disappears and leaves a Recovery Heart behind]
Link: What's that thing?
Kaepora: A Recovery Heart - use it to heal an empty Heart Container.
Link: Okay. [grabs Recovery Heart]
Navi: [sarcastically] That was fun.
Kaepora: Next is the roll - run and press B. Try it on Bawl the turnip.
Bawl: [pops up from hole] Waaah.
Link: Wait a tick - in Ocarina of Time I pressed A to roll! And by the way, that looks more like an onion.
Kaepora: Don't argue with me. Just do it, okay? Or I'LL start calling you skirt-boy.
Link: ALRIGHT!!!! Sheesh. [rolls into Bawl the turnip]
Bawl: Waaah. [faints and disappears]
Navi: [sarcastically] That worked well.
Kaepora: Last but not least is the jumping stab - A and then B. Try your luck on Colliwobble there.
Colliwobble: [pops up from hole] Wobble.
Link: A flying cauliflower?! Now I've seen everything...
Kaepora: You wait until you see some of the stuff in Twinny's lair!
Link: [shrugs] Hiya! [does the jumping stab]
Colliwobble: Wobble. [faints and disappears. A Heart Piece appears in its place]
Navi: [sarcastically] This is really exciting - killing giant talking vegetables.
Link: No, it IS fun - and look! Another Heart Piece! [grabs Heart Piece]
~HEART PIECES: 6~
Kaepora: I think that's all the lessons for now. If you don't want to practise a bit, then head up to the top of the aptly-named... [raises pinkie feather to beak] "Spiral Mountain" and I'll meet you there. Bye. [jumps into owlnest]
Navi: Ooh, this is getting interesting...
Link: Come on then, no time to lose!
At the top of the aptly-named... [raises pinkie finger to mouth] "Spiral Mountain"...
Link: [pant]
Navi: Why you panting? That was an easy run!
Link: Not for you it wasn't - remember, you're in my backpack and I have to carry you. My Goddess you're heavy!
Kaepora: Isn't anyone going to talk to me?
Navi: Yeah, we just didn't see you.
Link: So do you think we're ready to go in?
Kaepora: Ready as you'll ever be.
Link and Navi: ...
Kaepora: Well? Aren't you going to go across the bridge?
Link: What bridge?
Kaepora: Oh, er... hang on... it's here somewhere... [finds remote control and presses a button]
A wooden bridge appears between the aptly-named... [raises pinkie finger to mouth] "Spiral Mountain" and Twinrova's Lair.
Bridge: [sways in wind] Sway.
Link: o_O Thanks for that, Kaepora. I guess this is goodbye, eh?
Kaepora: No.
Link: What?
Kaepora: Of course it isn't goodbye! You'll see me inside, ready to teach you extra moves!
Navi: Darn, and I thought we were rid of you...
Kaepora: -_- Bye then, I'll seez ya later. [dives into owlnest]
Link: Here we gooo... [steps onto bridge]
Inside Twinrova's Lair...
Link: Awful decor!
Navi: Gross! There's a gigantic painting of Twinrova right in front of us!
Link: At least this situation can't get any worse.
Kaepora's Voice: Wrong!
Link and Navi: Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!
Kaepora's Voice: Shut up and pay attention. See those ledges over there?
Link: Those ledges? [points at a bunch of pillars of different heights all clumped together]
Kaepora's Voice: Yeah. Jump up to the top one.
Link and Navi: [shrugs and jumps up to top pillar]
Kaepora's Voice: That gold thing next to you is a jigsaw piece - the aptly-named... [raises pinkie feather to beak] "Jiggy".
Navi: Let me guess... we have to collect these to open levels?
Kaepora's Voice: Spot on. There's ten Jiggys in each level and the Lair.
Link: And there's how many levels?...
Kaepora's Voice: Nine levels.
Navi: That would make...
Link: One hundred Jiggys?! Crikey that's a lot!
Mysterious Voice: Actually, it's said JIGGIES.
Kaepora's Voice, Navi and Link: Oh.
Link: How were we to know that?
Mysterious Voice: Doesn't it say Jiggies in the instruction booklet?
Kaepora's Voice: [flicks through instruction booklet] ...No it doesn't - it just calls them [raises pinkie feather to beak] "jigsaw pieces".
Mysterious Voice: What a fat load of -
Kaepora's Voice: Well Link, aren't you going to get that Jiggy?
Link: Fine, don't be so impatient! [grabs Jiggy and Navi swipes it off him and puts it in his backpack]
~JIGGIES: 1~
Kaepora's Voice: Okay, you're free to go.
Navi: Yay.
Link and Navi look around the Lair's entrance room, but there is only the pillars, Twinrova's painting and two pathways.
Navi: Let's try that slope first!
Link: Okay. [tries to walk up slope but fails miserably and slides to the bottom]
Kaepora's Voice: Having fun sliding on your bum? Or do you want to get up that slope?
Navi: We want to see what's up top!
Link: Yeah, plus I'm going to get a hole in my pants if I keep doing this.
Navi: It's a skirt, you stupid skirt bo- [gets choked by Link]
Kaepora's Voice: Take that other pathway to get to the first level - find me in there and I'll teach you something to get you up.
Link and Navi: Cool. [goes to other pathway]
Navi: What's that sign say? "Sheik's Slopes"...
Link: Pardon?!
Navi: Look, it says "Sheik's Slopes".
Link: o_o But the door isn't open.
Kaepora's Voice: Do what I tell you and it will be open. Go over to that large puzzle over there, step on the Jiggy Podium and press A.
Link: [follows instructions]
Kaepora's Voice: Press A again and your Jiggy will be put into that puzzle.
Link: [presses A]
Kaepora's Voice: Sheik's Slopes are now open!
Navi: And let me guess - Sheik lives there?
...
Navi: Well?
...
Link: He's gone again. Come on, let's go. [walks into Sheik's Slopes door]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Next Chapter: Sheik's Slippery Slopes
What will Link and Navi find while on Sheik's mountain? Giant termites that look more like ants, a Donkey Kong wannabe, a talking totem pole, Jinjos that aren't necessarily programmed to say "Help me", a large bull, Captain Doorhinge and lots more insane stuff! Plus... Sheik has replaced Mumbo Jumbo as the best shaman in the game/fanfic! I wonder where Mumbo went (try looking in Author Chronicles: One Really Weird Dream).
PS: Please review, even if you think this fanfic is ridiculous. Be nice :)
~~~
a crazy fanfic by charity236
Disclaimer: I didn't create Zelda or Banjo-Kazooie.
Yay, first chapter! Link and Navi are going to go find Kaepora's owlnests to get some baddie-fighting lessons. But will it be worthwhile? Who knows... But they're going to HAVE to learn the stuff if they want to save Zelda from Twinrova.
Please review, it makes me feel special.
Chapter 1: The Aptly-Named "Spiral Mountain" Spin-Out
Link and Navi are looking for some of Kaepora Gaebora's owlnests.
Link: [sees an owlnest right ahead] There's one!
Kaepora: [pops out of nest] You called?
Link: Uh... no?
Navi: Sure we did, bottle-brain!
Kaepora: [glares] Fine. Um... your first lesson... [checks book] is... um... kumayra angels.
Navi: You sure those glasses helping you read, bighead? It says CAMERA ANGLES.
Kaepora: [glares again]
Link: You know, Navi does have a point - your glasses are on backwards.
Kaepora: Oh are they? Thanks. [turns glasses around] Better. Okay, uh yeah - lemeyta arquels.
Link: For crying out loud! Let me damn fix them... [turns glasses right way up] NOW IS THAT BETTER?!
Kaepora: Thanks again. FINALLY... camera angles. See those buttons on your sword?
Link: [looks at sword hilt] I don't see no buttons!
Kaepora: [claps wings] You do now.
Link: [looks at buttons] Are you trying to tell me that my sword is a Nintendo 64 controller in disguise?
Kaepora: Uh... no, noooo, of course not! You just need it to control your camera angles.
Navi: What camera angles, you glass-eyed jerk?
Kaepora: [glares] THESE camera angles. [points at Skull Kid holding a large video camera] Wave, Skull Kid!
Skull Kid (holding video camera): [waves] Hi!
Link: [groans] So how do I control these - ah - "camera angles", Kaepora?
Kaepora: Just press C Left or Right to move the camera around. C Down can make the camera go farther out or back in, and that R Button will center the camera behind you.
Navi: When can I fly?
Kaepora: Erm... not yet!
Link: What about C Up?
Kaepora: That lets you use the First-Person View to look around.
Link and Navi: [nods] Fair enough.
Kaepora: That was your first lesson. Go find my next owlnest to learn some more. [disappears in nest]
Link: Whatever. [whispers] Sucker.
About ten seconds later, Link and Navi find another owlnest, located in front of an earthy area with giant treestumps. On top of one of the treestumps is a white and blue heart, spinning slowly.
Link: [points at heart thingy] What's that?
Navi: [shrugs] Dunno. Let's go check it out.
Link: [walks over to stump with heart on it] Great idea, Navi. How are we going to get up there?
Navi: Jump?
Link: Fine. [jumps up as high as he can, which isn't very high] Darn.
Kaepora: Having trouble getting that Heart Piece?
Link: [turns around] What did you call it?
Kaepora: That's a Heart Piece. Get four of them to complete a Heart Container.
Link: A WHAT?!
Navi: [groans] Honestly! Were you the hero of Ocarina of Time or NOT?!
Link: Oh yeah, I was. [grins]
Kaepora: [ignoring Navi and Link's chatting] Heart Containers hold your energy - run out and you die. Simple.
Navi: Does that mean this lesson is over?
Kaepora: NO!! Look, you wanna get that Heart Piece?
Link and Navi: [nods]
Kaepora: OF COURSE YOU DO!!!! [calms down] I will now tell you how to do a Fairy Flap.
Link and Navi: A WHAT?
Kaepora: A Fairy Flap. It lets you extend the range of your jumps. Just press A Button twice, and Navi will open her wings and flap after you jump.
Link: [does Fairy Flap] Done.
Kaepora: Good. Mmmmkay, now for the Flap Flip.
Link and Navi: The WHAT?!
Kaepora: [sigh] Flap Flip. Hold that Z Button and then push A and you'll flip into the air - it means you can reach that Heart Piece. Go on, try it.
Link: [does Flip Flap and grabs Heart Piece] Yay!
~HEART PIECES: 1~
Kaepora: Excellent. [mutters] CHEATANENERGYBARTOGETYOUFAR. [normal volume] Okay, I think that's all for this lesson. [dives into owlnest]
Navi: What did owlboy say?
Link: Something about "an energy bar to get you far". Wonder what than could mean?
Navi: Hmmm... Never mind, let's keep going.
Further along...
Navi: [points at something] Look, another one!
Link: Another one of what?
Navi: Owlnest!
Link: Where? Where? Where?!
Navi: [groan] Maybe I should buy YOU some glasses.
Link: [yells] No, then I'd look like a nerd and then no-one would buy Zelda games!!
Navi: ...PSYCH!!!!
Link: o_O; And just what is that supposed to mean?
Navi: [sighs] It means that I'm joking, duh.
Kaepora: [pops out of owlnest] Now you can learn how to swim.
Link: Excuse me, I already know how to swim.
Kaepora: Not UNDERwater.
Link: I do too! I have the Zora Tunic and Iron Boots.
Kaepora: Not in THIS game you don't.
Link: ...Waaaa! I want my Boots!
Navi: Too bad, you ain't gettin' 'em!
Link: [jumps in water]
Kaepora: Erhem. Okay, to swim around on the surface, just move that Control Stick a bit.
Link: Like this? [tilts Control Stick]
Kaepora: Yeah. To dive, press B.
Link: [presses B] Blub blub blub?
Kaepora: Pardon?
Link: [rises to surface] Is that okay?
Kaepora: Yeah. Um, when holding A underwater you can just kick, but with the B Button instead, Navi will open her wings for a faster stroke. Pressing A in mid-stroke is your brake. Oh, and see that blue air meter?
Link: Where?
Kaepora: Above your head!
Link: [looks around] I don't see no meter!
Kaepora: Fine then, check your sword hilt.
Link: [looks at sword hilt] Oh THERE it is.
Kaepora: Yes. That shows how much longer you can hold your breath. [mutters] CHEATGIVENAVIANDLINKANICEAIRYTREAT.
Link and Navi: What did you just say?
Kaepora: Did I just say something?
Navi: No.
Link: [starts whistling Zelda's Lullaby as though nothing had happened]
Kaepora: Weird. Anyway, if that air meter runs out, you're dead. Next lesson, climbing! Oh, and did you see that Heart Piece down there?
Link and Navi: Where?
Kaepora: [points] Down there, underwater.
Link and Navi: Oh.
Kaepora: See you at the next lesson, then.
Link: [grabs Heart Piece] Blub.
~HEART PIECES: 2~
Navi: Splash.
On the way to the next owlnest...
Link: [points] Is that what I think it is?
Navi: Where?
Link: Up on that ledge next to the waterfall.
Navi: There it is, yeah.
Link: A Heart Piece. ...Let's get it! [runs over to ledge]
After a few minutes of trying to Fairy Flap over to the Heart Piece...
Link: Got it! Only one more Piece to go before I have another Container.
~HEART PIECES: 3~
Kaepora [yelling from the next owlnest]: Good for you. Now are you going to get your butt over here or WHAT?!
Link: Coming! [runs over]
Kaepora: Do you like climbing?
Link: I've never tried. Personally I like the Hookshot better.
Kaepora: Thought so.
Navi: And your point is?...
Kaepora: Even if you don't like climbing, you're gonna have to do it, so ha-ha!
Link: Doh!
Navi: Aye carumba!
Kaepora: Hrmmm...
Link: Fine. Just how do we climb?
Kaepora: Go up to a tree/vine/ladder/rope/whatever and jump at it, then when you're hanging on just push the Control Stick around. But be careful not to fall, especially from big heights. Speaking of climbing, I think there's a Heart Piece up on that tree...
Navi: Where?
Link: There! [runs over to tree, climbs it and grabs Heart Piece]
Special Music: Dun dun dun!
All: What was that?
Mysterious Voice: That's the music that you hear when a Heart Container is complete, duh.
Link, Navi and Kaepora: Fair enough.
~HEART PIECES: 4~
~4 HEART PIECES = 1 HEART CONTAINER!~
Kaepora: I'll see you at the next owlnest. [disappears]
At the next owlnest...
Navi: Look at those boulders - they have eyes!
Eyed Boulders: Blink.
Link: WHAT?! Let me see!
Navi: Over there. [points at boulders in front of them]
Link: [looks at eyed boulders] ^o^ Cool.
Eyed Boulders: Blink in a happy way.
Kaepora: [jumps out of owlnest] Hello.
Link: Okay Kaepora, what's our next lesson?
Kaepora: See those boulders? You're going to smash them open.
Link: Easy! [pulls out Megaton Hammer]
Eyed Boulders: Blink in a very scared way.
Kaepora: You put that hammer away or I'll confiscate it.
Link: [hugs Megaton Hammer] NO!! YOU CAN'T DO THAT!!!!
Kaepora: Then put it away.
Eyed Boulders: Blink in relief.
Navi: You're no fun, you grumpy half-blind owl.
Kaepora: [starts sobbing]
Link: Don't say that, you know how annoying his crying is!
Kaepora: Hey! [stops sobbing] Okay, the Sworb Stab. Link, hold Z then press B and you'll drive your sword into the boulder, effectively destroying it.
Eyed Boulders: Blink in a very scared way.
Link: [hugs Master Sword] NO!! THAT'LL WRECK MY SWORD!!!!
Kaepora: No it won't - all of the boulders in this game are made of easily-breakable styrofoam.
Mysterious Voice: I thought this was a fanfic.
Kaepora: [shrugs] Have a go, Link.
Eyed Boulders: Blink in an extremely scared way. [tries to roll away but nothing happens]
Link: Well alright... [does Sword Stab] You're right! It IS styrofoam!
Kaepora: Go on, smash the other boulders.
Other Eyed Boulders: Blink in a whimpering way.
Link: [smashes boulders] Hey, a Heart Piece came out of this last one! [grabs Heart Piece]
~HEART PIECES: 5~
Kaepora: See ya - one more lesson to go. [dives into owlnest]
Final owlnest (or at least I think so!)...
Navi: Look at this neat little plowed field. Isn't it quaint?
Link: Not anymore, look - a giant carrot just popped out of that hole!
Navi: A giant CARROT?! ...Does it have eyes?
Link: Yeah.
Navi: [groan]
Kaepora: I see you've taken an interest in Topper...
Topper: Boing.
Link: That thing has a NAME?!
Kaepora: [shrugs] Anyway, go attack it with your sword. Just press B.
Link: [swipes sword at Topper the carrot]
Topper: Boing. [faints, disappears and leaves a Recovery Heart behind]
Link: What's that thing?
Kaepora: A Recovery Heart - use it to heal an empty Heart Container.
Link: Okay. [grabs Recovery Heart]
Navi: [sarcastically] That was fun.
Kaepora: Next is the roll - run and press B. Try it on Bawl the turnip.
Bawl: [pops up from hole] Waaah.
Link: Wait a tick - in Ocarina of Time I pressed A to roll! And by the way, that looks more like an onion.
Kaepora: Don't argue with me. Just do it, okay? Or I'LL start calling you skirt-boy.
Link: ALRIGHT!!!! Sheesh. [rolls into Bawl the turnip]
Bawl: Waaah. [faints and disappears]
Navi: [sarcastically] That worked well.
Kaepora: Last but not least is the jumping stab - A and then B. Try your luck on Colliwobble there.
Colliwobble: [pops up from hole] Wobble.
Link: A flying cauliflower?! Now I've seen everything...
Kaepora: You wait until you see some of the stuff in Twinny's lair!
Link: [shrugs] Hiya! [does the jumping stab]
Colliwobble: Wobble. [faints and disappears. A Heart Piece appears in its place]
Navi: [sarcastically] This is really exciting - killing giant talking vegetables.
Link: No, it IS fun - and look! Another Heart Piece! [grabs Heart Piece]
~HEART PIECES: 6~
Kaepora: I think that's all the lessons for now. If you don't want to practise a bit, then head up to the top of the aptly-named... [raises pinkie feather to beak] "Spiral Mountain" and I'll meet you there. Bye. [jumps into owlnest]
Navi: Ooh, this is getting interesting...
Link: Come on then, no time to lose!
At the top of the aptly-named... [raises pinkie finger to mouth] "Spiral Mountain"...
Link: [pant]
Navi: Why you panting? That was an easy run!
Link: Not for you it wasn't - remember, you're in my backpack and I have to carry you. My Goddess you're heavy!
Kaepora: Isn't anyone going to talk to me?
Navi: Yeah, we just didn't see you.
Link: So do you think we're ready to go in?
Kaepora: Ready as you'll ever be.
Link and Navi: ...
Kaepora: Well? Aren't you going to go across the bridge?
Link: What bridge?
Kaepora: Oh, er... hang on... it's here somewhere... [finds remote control and presses a button]
A wooden bridge appears between the aptly-named... [raises pinkie finger to mouth] "Spiral Mountain" and Twinrova's Lair.
Bridge: [sways in wind] Sway.
Link: o_O Thanks for that, Kaepora. I guess this is goodbye, eh?
Kaepora: No.
Link: What?
Kaepora: Of course it isn't goodbye! You'll see me inside, ready to teach you extra moves!
Navi: Darn, and I thought we were rid of you...
Kaepora: -_- Bye then, I'll seez ya later. [dives into owlnest]
Link: Here we gooo... [steps onto bridge]
Inside Twinrova's Lair...
Link: Awful decor!
Navi: Gross! There's a gigantic painting of Twinrova right in front of us!
Link: At least this situation can't get any worse.
Kaepora's Voice: Wrong!
Link and Navi: Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!
Kaepora's Voice: Shut up and pay attention. See those ledges over there?
Link: Those ledges? [points at a bunch of pillars of different heights all clumped together]
Kaepora's Voice: Yeah. Jump up to the top one.
Link and Navi: [shrugs and jumps up to top pillar]
Kaepora's Voice: That gold thing next to you is a jigsaw piece - the aptly-named... [raises pinkie feather to beak] "Jiggy".
Navi: Let me guess... we have to collect these to open levels?
Kaepora's Voice: Spot on. There's ten Jiggys in each level and the Lair.
Link: And there's how many levels?...
Kaepora's Voice: Nine levels.
Navi: That would make...
Link: One hundred Jiggys?! Crikey that's a lot!
Mysterious Voice: Actually, it's said JIGGIES.
Kaepora's Voice, Navi and Link: Oh.
Link: How were we to know that?
Mysterious Voice: Doesn't it say Jiggies in the instruction booklet?
Kaepora's Voice: [flicks through instruction booklet] ...No it doesn't - it just calls them [raises pinkie feather to beak] "jigsaw pieces".
Mysterious Voice: What a fat load of -
Kaepora's Voice: Well Link, aren't you going to get that Jiggy?
Link: Fine, don't be so impatient! [grabs Jiggy and Navi swipes it off him and puts it in his backpack]
~JIGGIES: 1~
Kaepora's Voice: Okay, you're free to go.
Navi: Yay.
Link and Navi look around the Lair's entrance room, but there is only the pillars, Twinrova's painting and two pathways.
Navi: Let's try that slope first!
Link: Okay. [tries to walk up slope but fails miserably and slides to the bottom]
Kaepora's Voice: Having fun sliding on your bum? Or do you want to get up that slope?
Navi: We want to see what's up top!
Link: Yeah, plus I'm going to get a hole in my pants if I keep doing this.
Navi: It's a skirt, you stupid skirt bo- [gets choked by Link]
Kaepora's Voice: Take that other pathway to get to the first level - find me in there and I'll teach you something to get you up.
Link and Navi: Cool. [goes to other pathway]
Navi: What's that sign say? "Sheik's Slopes"...
Link: Pardon?!
Navi: Look, it says "Sheik's Slopes".
Link: o_o But the door isn't open.
Kaepora's Voice: Do what I tell you and it will be open. Go over to that large puzzle over there, step on the Jiggy Podium and press A.
Link: [follows instructions]
Kaepora's Voice: Press A again and your Jiggy will be put into that puzzle.
Link: [presses A]
Kaepora's Voice: Sheik's Slopes are now open!
Navi: And let me guess - Sheik lives there?
...
Navi: Well?
...
Link: He's gone again. Come on, let's go. [walks into Sheik's Slopes door]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Next Chapter: Sheik's Slippery Slopes
What will Link and Navi find while on Sheik's mountain? Giant termites that look more like ants, a Donkey Kong wannabe, a talking totem pole, Jinjos that aren't necessarily programmed to say "Help me", a large bull, Captain Doorhinge and lots more insane stuff! Plus... Sheik has replaced Mumbo Jumbo as the best shaman in the game/fanfic! I wonder where Mumbo went (try looking in Author Chronicles: One Really Weird Dream).
PS: Please review, even if you think this fanfic is ridiculous. Be nice :)
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